Clam Chowder and Sunshine

We've been on vacation this week. I did not realize how shallow my breathing had become, how frantic and frenzied my pace was, how ready I was to take a week and slow the pace down to the thick slow drip of New England Clam chowder dripping off a spoon. That we've done nothing but read, sit at the beach, eat, play cards, laugh, eat, and read is a testament to the perfection of this vacation. Our family didn't really need a lot of entertainment or roller coaster rides or crowds of people. What we needed was family time, food, fun, and life at the pace of a hot summer day when you feel like your only responsibility is to live and love.

Instead of a phone constantly ringing in the background, I hear my kids cheerfully discussing the choice of ice cream or slushies. Or I should say that Abby, my daughter, is cheerfully discussing the choices and Alex is nodding slightly and without regard for her question because he has his headphones on and a book in his hand. His job, as a kid going off to college in a month, is to accommodate our time together as a family without letting on too much that he is enjoying himself.

I'm so relaxed. You would be too- if you were sitting at the beach and listening to the roar of the ocean, and feeling very small but loved. You see the ocean, hear it roar, wonder at its presence, and then remember that the God who created it is the God who has a plan for your life. You sit at the beach and see all the people, hear them, feel the sun beat down on your skin- and yet you are miles away in thought. You're feeling hope and you're starting to dream bigger. You're letting go of hurts and confusion. There are possibilities, endless possibilities, when you feel refreshed, rejuvenated...and loved.

Key Words for Today

Now. Today. Forgive. Give. Live.

Watch Me Dance

Sometimes just the sight of someone rejoicing and celebrating will provoke you to do the same- even if you think you don't currently have reason to celebrate. As one of my Mom's dear friends used to say, "It is never hypocritical to act the way God would want you to feel."

And so, last night, when my daughter and I returned from the movies (having used our two free tickets to see a musical that excelled in celebration even if it lacked in content), I waltzed into the house singing loudly and off-key and unashamedly. It felt so good to belt out a joyous sound, and I realized it's been a while since I majored in joy rather than in problem-solving.

Some people easily celebrate the little things in life, while others have to purpose in their heart to celebrate and rejoice. For some of us, celebrating and rejoicing can seem like a selfish, frivolous thing to do. But lately I've been learning that there is power in celebration. Mainly, I think, because celebration does not have to be done with all your ducks in a row, all your victories in plain sight. In fact, if you wait till you really think you have reason to celebrate, you might be waiting too long. You might go a long time without the wells of rejoicing springing up in your soul. And I know that I can't afford to be dried out. I can't make it if God's life-giving power to celebrate and overcome isn't manifesting in my life.

It's just like the verse that begins with "Believe in the Lord your God and you shall be established;..."(2 Chron. 20:20). The word "believe", here, means to be firm, stable, established. It's basically saying "Establish yourself in the Lord and you will be established." That's how powerful our belief, our conviction, is: it brings us in touch with the One who establishes us, who makes us stand tall and firm.

But you can apply this to the principle of celebration; especially the idea of celebrating by faith. Celebrate what God is doing in your life (even if you don't "see" it all) and you will feel like celebrating! Rejoice and you will be rejoicing. This isn't acting. This isn't fabricating the truth. This is manifesting the truth of which we do not yet see or feel. Because, remember:"It is never hypocritical to act the way God would want you to feel."

So today I'm celebrating breakthroughs and victories of all kinds. Things I don't even know yet. Because God is always up to something good in my life. It's just that sometimes you have to shout and rejoice and celebrate before you even see the victory.

The Way He Does It

I had a dream last night. That may not sound like an earth shattering event, but it can be a turning point in my life. You see, God often talks to me through dreams, and I usually dream almost nightly. But its been about a month or more since I've had a dream. It's been a month of so many changes and disappointments and momentous celebrations that signal a turning point in our life. During this time things got very quiet inside me. I was wrestling with hope and despair, clarity and confusion. I had not anticipated that I was going to go through such a strange season of strained relationships and radical changes.

"There is nothing miraculous or mysterious about the things we can explain. We control what we are able to explain, consequently it is only natural to seek an explanation for everything"(My Utmost for His Highest). But when we can't control whats happening around us, when we don't have an authoritative explanation or proclamation to calm the turbulent waters, things can get very troubled. We want everything we go through to be meaningful and useful for our spiritual growth. But often we don't see what's happening. We don't understand what's happening. We feel things are out of control and therefore that we are in a very precarious situation.

Here's how God speaks to my heart when it is beating fast and my eyes are looking heavenward with hope and confusion: He speaks to me through a dream. Last night's dream was about me explaining to a woman what had been going on in my life these last number of years. And I was not recounting my successes and my glorious moments. I was telling her about where we had felt lost, where we had failed, what moments we had wondered where God was.

This woman was an old acquaintance that I never knew that well. But I knew she represented spiritual integrity. She and her husband had been influential people in our life. My husband and I had connected with this couple in their passion to serve Christ, to take chances, to be authentic, and therefore to come across as very real, very human, and without all the answers.

So as we spoke to each other in my dream, there was this sense of me not having to explain why I was not further along than I was. There was a sense of peace about having had problems, delays, and times of disappointment. She asked me a couple of insightful questions that made me ponder a bit. And then we talked about what her needs were, what her hopes were, and she and I were smiling as she did this. Neither of us had all the answers. But we both had God as our guide. We felt good about that. We felt victorious about that.

So this morning I woke up and felt a burden lifted from my shoulders. God had arranged a very helpful counseling session for me, and it happened in a dream. It was miraculous. It was mysterious. I can't explain how I absorbed the grace, the hope, the clarity that God offered to me in this dream. But I can tell you that I love the way God loves me. When I feel like things are out of control, He mysteriously and miraculously comes to me and whispers insight and peace to my soul.

Verse for the Week

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden,
and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

Quote for the Day

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.
What we need is to love without getting tired."
-Mother Theresa

He Leadeth Me

It often comes down to one word- expectation. What we expect, we look for. What we expect to receive, we get ready to receive: our hands are out, our hands are open, our eyes are raised heavenward.

My expectation, lately, has been that I will get through "this"; "this" referring to the flood of small take-downs that have occurred these last couple months. I got a call from the doctor the other day and he said, "You don't have Mono again; but you do have a very low red blood cell count. I can see why you almost fainted the other day." It was nice to have someone confirm that you are not a wilting violet of your own volition, but rather, sometimes life comes at you hard and you fall down.

"We fall down and we get up, we fall down and we get up; and the saints are just the sinners who fall down...and get up." Yes, that's the song for me, right now. That beautiful chorus is going through my mind- and with that soothing chorus going through my mind I won't let my heart be troubled by the events and disturbances I recently went through.

You see, I had asked God, several months ago, to confirm what direction I should take, where to go and what to do. I thought God was going to answer my request by leading me directly TO the right place, the right setting. But no, God decided to confirm the direction for me to take by confirming where I don't belong, what I should not be concentrating on, what isn't working in my life.

I never requested that God lead me through only positive events- but that's because I just didn't think that leading someone onward and upward would ever necessitate leading them through painful or negative circumstances. I just simply,and maybe naively, asked Him to lead me- and then some surprising encounters happened, some upsetting events occurred, and I was dismayed and surprised and floored by it all. I shouldn't have been. I should have expected that I would wind up quoting what Job said: "But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10).

Why God deems it necessary to refine and try us, I'm not real sure. I do see that something glorious does happen when we are roughed up by upsetting events and difficult circumstances: I see that the troubling events we go through cause us to trust Him MORE. During these difficult times we often see Him more clearly because we are desperately looking for Him. These tough times are, indeed, tinged with His glory, and therefore could even be called glorious- because HE is WITH us, and He has something good in mind when we are tried and refined. He has a glorious outcome in mind.

God is not a Sadist. He takes no pleasure in our suffering. But He does take pleasure in seeing us learn to differentiate good from evil, and in our learning to value His help, value His perspective, and therefore not be dismayed when trouble rocks our boat. Trouble may rock our boat, but He guides the boat.

My boat has been rocking, lately. I've been surprised by difficult times- and my health is the least of the problems. Feeling faint and weak (part of being Anemic) only adds to me feeling needy and ready for God's help.

But feeling expectant that His help is coming- and that even though the going has been rough, that His help has already come- well, that makes me stay in my rocky boat with my hands stretched out, my eyes heavenward, expectant of His whisper of a wind that will nudge my boat onward, safely, to the shore.

Quote for the Day

"The Christian life is gloriously difficult,
but its difficulty does not make us faint and cave in-
it stirs us up to overcome."
(My Utmost for His Highest)

Celebrating the Victory

There were ups and downs, highs and lows, over the weekend- but there was no rain on Sunday, the day we all gathered to celebrate a milestone in our son's life. The days preceding the party were emotionally charged and there were a couple upsetting incidents that clouded our joy. So on Sunday morning, early in the morning, as I laid in bed and looked at at the cloudy sky, I whispered a pleading prayer, "Please God, please- don't let it rain today. Let it be a sign that everything is not always all uphill."

Now that's a dangerous prayer. First of all, because God doesn't have to stop the rain just to make you feel better. Someone may be praying for rain in the house next door to you, and then what does God do?! Secondly, I was asking out of weariness and frustration- not necessarily out of faith.

But God can handle how and why I ask Him for what I do- and God parted the clouds and allowed the sun to come out. There wasn't a drop of rain. Mu, my best friend, arrived at the party early in the evening and told me it was raining at her house (several miles away)- but it wasn't raining at my house.

People gathered on our deck outside, talking and sipping cold drinks. My son was beaming with happiness at the number of people who kept coming. There were new friends, neighbors, school friends and family members. Old friends of our family arrived early, and looked forward to meeting with my parents. But would my Mom come? She's been battling depression and it has been fierce. But there she was, frail and beautiful, smiling tentatively, walking through my front door with loved ones at her side holding her up.

That's what we do when we fall down- we hopefully get held up by love, by loved ones who come rushing in when the wind goes out of our sails. Or in my case, when the knees grow suddenly weak and you're about to faint. I got sick right int he middle of the party. One minute I was chatting with people, feeling a bit ill, and the next minute I was rushing to the bathroom. Due to the heat and having not eaten all day and the emotional upheaval I had been through prior to the party, I suddenly felt the world swim. I became violently ill and wound up lying in bed. Different people came rushing in to check on me. My younger sister took over and began serving food. A dear friend started washing dishes that had piled up in the sink. My husband went out and chatted with guests after I whispered, "Just say that I'm resting for a minute. I'll be right out."I was weak, but people were strong for me. The party went on.

I thought it was heat exhaustion and nausea due to not eating all day and then drinking a few sips of too-sweet-iced tea. But today, several days after the party, I am still feeling ill. It feels like I have Mono again. I'll go get checked out at the doctor's. It's not that big of a deal.

What was a big deal was the day we celebrated my son's graduation from high school. That day was a challenge and it was wonderful. That day was exhausting and it was exhilarating. That day there were people in and around my house, pulling into the driveway, playing music down in our opened garage, milling around the yard, smiling and feasting on food that disappeared quickly. In fact, I ran out of food. But we never ran out of victory. We never ran out of grace. The skies held back the rain, but God let grace, like rain, fall down and we celebrated the victory of being loved by Him.

Amazing, Truly Amazing

Just found out it may rain off and on most of Sunday, and that's when I'm having over fifty people over to celebrate our son's high school graduation. I had hoped there would be sunshine, flowers blooming, music playing, people strolling over the grounds with a cold soda in hand, teenagers playing volleyball in the backyard. But no, I think we may instead hear rumbles of thunder, see the rain pour down, and feel very very connected that day- perspiring, hot people crammed into our small house, balancing a plate and a drink in hand, smiling and sweating and intently trying to celebrate this milestone in our lives. What loved ones do for each other- it's amazing.

But loved ones also often hurt each other. We bicker, quarrel, bring up the past and resurrect certain "issues"- hot spots if you want to call them that- and these issues can resurface and have to be dealt with over and over again. It can be a hurt from the past, a memory of someone failing you, or a sensitive spot in your heart when a certain word is brought up. Sometimes Family Get Togethers are like volcanoes that decide to suddenly erupt- and you thought it would, you tried to warn those around you that you had a feeling it would erupt- and then, sure enough, it does. What loved ones do to each other- it's amazingly painful.

I keep telling myself- sometimes in a voice of wonder and sometimes in a trembling voice- "God can handle it." I know He is never shocked by outbursts and break downs and fights and fears. He is the One you can go to and say, "I feel a volcano in me about to erupt, and I know its better that we talk first before I talk with anyone else." That's when you'll feel God's hand of approval on you: not because you came to Him all clean and perfect and in complete control, but because you came to Him with a mess on your hand and fear in your heart and stumbling feet...but you came to Him nevertheless. You came to Him because that declaration of faith was running though your mind, firing up your heart in belief- "God can handle it." What God does for us- it's truly amazing.

"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jer. 32:27

You Won't Be Disappointed

The next couple weeks involve a LOT of running around, events, appointments, trips, decisions. I am gearing up for all this by not only doing a lot of shopping, event planning, stocking of the fridge, and making lists, but also by mentally preparing myself for good times, for celebrating and rejoicing. Just planning the graduation party for my son, alone, is a big feat of strategizing, facing parking challenges, selecting menu choices and preparing myself to run around serving food but at the same time run around with a big smile on my face. I can get so task-oriented that I forget why I am doing the task: that I am celebrating a milestone in my son's life and in our family's life as well. I can forget to enjoy the moment.

Whenever I get ready for an event, I am hopeful. I want to be hopeful. And I should be. But there's always that tinge of "But what if something goes wrong?". And for mothers, there's always that quick-to-action instinct that we have where we are ready to jump in at a moment's notice to fix anything that goes awry. We're ready to do damage control. We are hawk-eyed, on the look out for the least bit of unhappiness in someone, ready to turn that frown into a smile- as if we were a magician. We are often dealing with disappointed people, temporarily forgetting that we have our own disappointments as well.

But lately I have been thinking about this whole concept of disappointment. I have had a number of disappointments in my life- big ones and small ones. Everyone has had disappointments. But not everyone is aware of how these former disappointments have become the bedrock of their perspective. We often take one disappointment, add it to another one we've had, and we begin to have this inner attitude of "See? It never works out when you hope for more". We can develop a negative perspective of things, but tell ourselves that we are just being careful, guarded.

That's why I love how God challenges the Israelites in Isaiah 54. Israel complains of being forsaken, of being disappointed, and God tells them to, instead, prepare for hope, prepare for expansion. He speaks to the barren Israel and tells her to let go of the disappointment. "Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame..."(Is. 54:4a).

I love how, in the CEV version, it says it loud and clear: "You won't be disappointed". A lot of our disappointments come from missed appointments- times when we thought God would move and we took action...and fell flat on our face. Then there were times when God moved radically and quickly in our life and we stepped back into our comfort zone and refused to take the key, the open door He offered, because it led to the unknown, to the New, to the rough terrain of unexplored promised land. Everyone wants the promised land, but not everyone realizes that God often says, "You develop it". When He challenges us to receive something good that involves our rigorous stewardship we often answer with that age old excuse, "I can't".

Why is "I can't" an excuse rather than a plain admission of our capability? Because anything God calls us to, or leads us through, we can, most assuredly, do. We can prevail. We can enjoy the challenge. We can overcome. We can make it.

And that expectation of a good adventure with God is the beginning of us already connecting with hope and faith. Now we're on track. We've had our appointment with God's perspective and we see a bit more clearly, now. We see possibilities. We see God's hand ready to move on our behalf. We know, now, that we will not be disappointed.

So here I go into the day, a long list in hand, a flurry of activity ahead of me. I expect that it may be a challenging day, a very busy week. But I also expect there to be amazing moments where I "see" God nodding His head in approval as I open my mouth and laugh and rejoice in the midst of it all.

And There Arose a Storm

There's nothing quite so exciting as driving through a major downpour and then hearing on the radio that there is a tornado watch and you are about to drive through the critical danger zone. That was my afternoon yesterday. My daughter and I prayed up a storm as we drove through the storm...and we made it through.

Got home and pulled up to the opened garage door where my husband was waiting for us. We ran into the house and my daughter kept saying, "We've got to get down to the basement! That's the only safe place." But there was no tornado- or at least there wasn't one near us.

What there was, however, was a big tree that decided to come down right in front of our house, crashing onto the road and dragging the power lines down with it. Then everything got semi-dark and quiet. I called in our emergency to 911 because we were worried about the live wires being down on the road and about oncoming traffic who might round the curve and run right into the tree and power lines.

After a while we decided it was best to set the best atmosphere possible. My kids dragged out their guitars, and my son and my husband worked on tuning and stringing Alex's guitar. I read my book, lying on the couch and petting our dog to keep him calm. I was half thankful for the family time the storm brought about, and yet also concerned for the families that had more critical situations due to the storm.

You just never know what the day brings. I guess that's why Jesus told us to not worry about tomorrow for today has enough challenges of its own. But sometimes these challenges- these storms- come in with a roar and go out quietly, leaving behind a contemplative heart that ponders how good it is know the goodness of God in the land of the living. And in the land of the living storms may rage, but there's One who can quiet that storm with just one word..."Peace."

It's a blessing, it's a command, and its a declaration: "Peace!".

Free Indeed

Last night my daughter and I watched Dr. Phil ( on T.V.) address the problems of Anorexia and Bulimia. It was agonizing to watch. The stories of these young women were enough to make you wonder if anyone, in this world, feels safe, loved, and hopeful.

Anorexia and Bulimia are two kinds of battles people have with not just the desire to be thin, but really, more the desire to be in control, to be safe, to be loved, to distract yourself with a ritual of purging or exercising or counting every calorie so that the real enemy inside you is temporarily quieted. I know. This is what I battled a long time ago.

Sometimes I even think that it really wasn't me, couldn't have been me, who frantically ran miles every day, ate a bit of cauliflower and some water for her main meal, and did exercises on her bed, at night, for hours. Sometimes it seems like this confused young woman was someone else- because I don't feel the terror or the frantic searching for control that I once felt. But I know it was me. I have photos to prove it was me.

The most memorable photo is the one where I am standing in front of our home and my sister has put up a sign that says "Welcome Home" and I am there, a smile on the face but not in the heart, and standing there-stick thin. I had just returned from my year of study abroad in Spain, but I had also returned having battled something that sprang up, supposedly, out of nowhere. Anorexia was its name but I could have called it so many other things as well: terror, a sudden realization that I was alone, culture shock, isolation, the need to control one tiny thing in my life even if everything else seemed out of control.

That's all I want to say for now about this problem I had so many years ago. I only bring it up now because last night was the first time I talked about it with my thirteen year old daughter. I wanted her to know that I had battled Anorexia, yes; but that I had also battled Fear, Anxiety, Depression, and Self Hatred. I wanted her to know that my strong confidence, now (which sometimes breaks down) is something that comes out of weakness. That "when I am weak, then He is strong" and God is strong enough to get you through the times when you don't even want to be strong, when you don't even want to succeed. God is adept at dealing with our self-sabotage.

Because I feel strong (for the most part), because I feel safe (very much so) and because I am certain of God's love for me, His desire for good for my life, I now look back and wonder how I could not have known these liberating truths. But I remember that its easy to get lost, its common to know hurt and pain and by not dealing with it, let it fester within and then manifest outwardly, someday, on a day you least expect, in a way you never thought.

I remember. God tells us to remember. How many times, just in Deuteronomy 8 alone, does He tell us to remember what we've gone through, remember what He has brought us out of, remember WHERE we are going. We are going to a promised land. And in this land, fear does not reign, sickness does not reign, and hearts are at peace, minds are at rest, because in this land, faith shall be sight. For me, I have decided that it is possible to used to the fact that this land is to be my homeland. That I am to be at peace, even now- and nothing shall rob me of my birthright.

"He who the Son sets free is free indeed." In getting free, I must remember that staying free is also the goal. It's the reality I should know. And I fix my sights on that. He tells me to do so. I want to agree with God, agree with what He has for me.

He'll always make a way for me to get there.

Taste and See

I have lost my touch in the kitchen. I used to be a pretty good cook, and very good at baking. But somewhere in these last months I have botched up so many meals and served too many dried out tasteless things that I have to wonder what has happened. It's probably because my mind is on so many "closing" details: my son finishing his senior year, planning a graduation party for him, contemplating necessary moves we have to make in different areas of our lives. I am not focused on turning out moist delectable banana breads and muffins. Instead I am intent on making progress, having breakthroughs in areas of my life where I have not yet "gained the victory".

So if you were to come for tea and a snack at my house, I'd be offering you a muffin that is dry, tasteless, and has a chunk of mushy fruit in the middle. I would apologize that it tastes so bland- but I'd be smiling as I say it. It is what it is. You see, I'm not that broken up over my bad cooking and baking skills. I have made progress in other areas of my life, and that matters more to me than being a good cook. At least right now that's the way I feel.

There is something wonderful, though, about biting into something that looks delectable and tasting it, and finding out that it is, indeed, delicious. Anticipating the taste of a fudge covered cookie, biting into it, and letting the buttery shortcake texture of the cookie mix with the fudge flavor in your mouth, is a treat to the senses. The expectation that something will taste good and then the experience of it being better than you thought is one of those "beautiful" experiences in this life.

And that's what I've been reflecting on lately. Especially last night, when hearing over and over that chorus based on the verse- "Taste and see that the Lord is good"(Psalm 34:8). Taste...and then see that the Lord is good. Take a step, take an action of experiencing God's grace, and find out that He is better than you realized, that He is more merciful and kind and loving than you even knew.

I kept thinking about this- that even though we walk by faith, and not by sight, that there are times when God wants us to not only know a deeper experience of Him, but that He invites us to this experience. He sends out an invitation to know more of His mercy, to see Him more clearly, and He is confident that you will not be disappointed.

Now if I invited you to an afternoon snack at my house, I might be hopeful that you'll enjoy it, and there are some days that I might even be close to confident that what I baked tastes good. But it's a bit of a gamble for you to come and taste what I offer.

God, on the other hand, is never half-confident that what He offers you will amaze you. God has no doubts that when you respond to His invitation to experience His goodness that you will be amazed at how good He is, how much more He has planned for you. He is certain that you can experientially know more of His goodness. That's why the psalmist says, we "go from strength to strength" (Psalm 84:7) because there is an increasing revelation of what God is about, how He is FOR us, how He loves us. And this revelation is increasing in our lives.

Every time we take God at His word and reach out to taste His faithfulness and His forgiveness and His mercy, we savor it and say, "Oh, it's so good."

Review Sessions with My Father

Things are winding up, settling down, ending. The school year is ending, and for my son, his life as a high school student is over and his life as a college student begins in a couple months. But those are not the only big changes in our lives. We are going through transitions of various kinds. And when you're moving forward into new things, its good to review your past to see how you transitioned into new things before.

These last couple months I have been taking a bit of a journey into my recent past by looking through my old journals. I wanted to evaluate my weak spots- to look at where I was blind about things. Amazingly, this has been very encouraging as I have reviewed the last three years of my life and have "seen" where I fell, where I stayed down too long. I have had my eyes opened about my weak spots, yet I have not felt pummeled by God. It's been like a Review Session that God has graciously consented to oversee, but I'm the one who is choosing to bring these things up. As we begin going over where I have failed- there's revelation, there's regret, but there's no shame or agony that I can never change. I can change. He tells me all the time that I can.

The kind of Father that God is ...well, who can really understand the perfection of His identity as Father God. He is the perfect Father. He encourages and He corrects- and its done perfectly. When He admonishes us it is not for any reason other than to get us back in line with being under grace, walking in love, walking away from sin, and keeping our eyes on Him. He wants good for us and not evil. When we really understand that, it is not an excruciating thing, then, to ask God to review where you have gone wrong. You are asking Him this so that you can go right, so that you can get an "aha!" moment of understanding about where you may have been beating your head against a wall, and God was wincing as you did so because there was no gain in that kind of self-induced pain. God never gets a kick out of our suffering- for if He did, He would not be the pure hearted God that He is.

I found this passage in the book of Judges and was astonished over how God's heart is characterized here. In Judges 10:6 we find out that the Israelites were botching it up again, that "the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the Lord." God can't stand it when we're picking evil instead of good, when we spurn His help and seek after a man made substitute that will supposedly help us- be it alcohol, drugs, whatever you think is going to get you out of your predicament. If it's not God who you think is Your Answer, then you have chosen an idol. And so the Israelites are returning to God, finding a measure of peace, then botching it up and returning to sin, and living in bondage to their enemies. They then remember to cry out to God, after they have been beaten down, and here is where we get this amazing verse-

"...And His soul could no longer endure the misery of Israel" (Judges 10:16). The CEV version words it this way, "Finally, there came a time when the Lord could no longer stand to see them suffer." What they were going through was agonizing for God to watch. Those who are parents know what its like when we see our kids choose wrongly, and worse, when they choose what brings them down into the grips of something dangerous. It is agonizing to watch someone you love make themselves miserable, choose something dangerous, and yet refuse to choose the good you offer.

God, the Father, has a heart that loves and that grieves over our bad choices, our waywardness. God is not cool and aloof and detached from us. He loves us and that means that love "bears all things" even if its agonizing to see the one you love go plunging down into bad territory.

I've learned, then, that I can bring up my past times of waywardness- whether in thought or in deed- with God. We can talk about it. We can review my past, together. He's not eager to point out how badly I failed and to gloat over it. He does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices when I come to understand the truth. He wants me to choose well, to choose LIFE, to choose....HIM.

And the times when I have not done so,well...we need to talk about this. I can't sweep it under the rug and pretend that I lit up His face with joy when I went down into the dark and stayed there. So I'm looking at my past so that I can look forward. I'm trying to see what I may not want to see, but what I need to if I'm going to progressively walk in the light. Part of that light just may be the glow of joy that emanates from God when He sees us walking wisely, loving Him, ... choosing well.

Lightening the Load

It is the least that I can do, to have my dog brought to the Groomer and get sheared like a sheep, lessening the weight of his thick blonde fur all over his body. It's like insulation, and I can't bear to think of how hot he must get, how he can only relieve himself by panting and panting and drinking water. So he's getting clipped today, and Harry will come home looking like a scrawny noodle of a thing but feeling a lot more comfortable. Forget about appearances, here- this is a matter of lightening the load. This is a matter of bringing comfort and relief to the body, and should remind us to do all we can- when we can- to bring comfort and relief to the soul.

Sometimes I suddenly am aware of how easy it is to lighten someone's load. I'll get reminded of this fact periodically, and I'll try to say something to acknowledge someone's battle with something, commending them for being strong in the battle- even if they never meant to be strong.

My daughter, Abby, had the chance, the other day, to write a note to a child in another state who is suffering with cancer. Abby doesn't know this girl, but she immediately tried to make her smile and laugh by writing something humorous, and then she added that she was so sorry that this girl had to go through this suffering. Abby ended the note by quoting part of a song she had just sung in her school's choir- "I'm counting on God, I'm counting on God...". My daughter wanted this girl-she-had-never-met to know Whom to hold on to with all her might- and that she could count on God to take her through the storm.

God has such compassion on those who are heavy laden. It's His heart and His will that our load be lightened, that our burden get rolled off our back. "Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken" Ps 55:22. I had heard one time that the best way to get a burden off your back is to do it the way a camel loaded with burdens would do it: they have to kneel down and lower themselves to the ground, and then roll the burden off them. If you're on the ground, you may get dust in your face, you may get stains on your clothes, but that's the place where your burden meets the ground and that's where you can leave that burden, there- on the ground, not on your back.

You have to get lower to see higher, sometimes. You have to get your burden off you in whatever way you can, and who cares if you wind up looking foolish - or looking shorn like a noodle like my dog will be looking. Who cares if people know that you were weeping on your knees or that you were taking a prayer walk, and you had to walk a very long time before you felt a release?

I spent a night, once, literally standing in the dark, standing next to my bed, facing the darkness and quoting from Ephesians, "...And having done all, STAND." I had cast my burden on the Lord, but I felt the weight of it all still, and I decided to battle for that blessed, sweet peace. So I stood there, taking a stand for what God said I could have, my chin jutted out in fierce determination that after I prayed and done everything I knew to do, the one thing I could still do was to take my stand.

And sometimes when you're carrying a burden, you've got to decide if you're supposed to stand and fiercely claim your right to peace in God, or if you should kneel down, get low to the ground, roll that burden off you- before God. Either way, we've got to lighten our load. We've got to be free enough that we can help lighten other people's heavy loads as well. When they ask you how to do it, tell them there's a variety of postures you can take, but that what matters, in the end, is that God sees what posture you take and why. He sees when you call out from the ground and when you're standing and looking up to Him in faith. And He wants to sustain you. He WILL sustain you.

Of that I am sure.

Comfort Food

The best comfort food, for me, is an omelette of mushrooms, onions, and Swiss cheese, with toast (the kind of buttered toast that actually crunches loudly when you bite into it) and tangerine-orange juice. That's perfect comfort food for your every morning, and it's generally what I eat almost every weekday morning. (Weekends I just have coffee, first thing, and maybe a bit of toast). As for midday meals and midnight comfort food, there are other things you can eat but I can't think of what they are right now. That's because for me, mornings are the key turning point of my day. Mornings are when I need food that will satisfy my body, and spiritual food for thought that will take me onward through the day.

God's idea of comfort food is an altogether different story. When you ask God to comfort you, while He often gives that satisfying peace and consolation that is so soothing to the soul, the real comforting work of God (d0ne through the Holy Spirit) is challenging, convicting, and a bit unpleasant- at least to the initial taste. I think it's because when we ask God for comfort, we are in a predicament, or we've gone through a storm, and we are just looking for a bit of relief and consolation. He wants more than that for us.

God's idea of comfort involves the remedying of our thinking and our understanding. He wants to comfort us but not placate us or keep us as foolish children making the same mistakes over and over. God's way of comforting us is to liberate us (Isaiah 61:1-2, Gal. 5:1). And for God to liberate us from bad patterns or strongholds or erroneous beliefs means He has to shake things up a little and get us out of our deadly comfort zones into His Comfort Zone of true Freedom and Progress. God comforts us with the Truth of things, not with flimsy hugs that do not open our eyes to see what we must see.

I have often asked God to comfort me, and then later on found out that I really asked Him to bring me to a new level of understanding. I just didn't realize at first that that was what I wanted. We ask God, often, for things that we think are good for us, and fortunately God answers us by giving us what we are asking for along with what we forgot to ask for. After all, we don't know what we do not yet know. We don't always know where we are lacking. We don't always see when we are asking for a touch of something when we really should be asking for a flood of it. Asking boldly and riotously, even.

When I comfort my children, my instinct is to soothe and to settle them down. When my daughter is sick, I make lots of hot tea, toast, and pile on warm blankets, lots of reassurance that she doesn't need to worry about a thing, and that I will take care of everything while she is "down for the count". When my son is sick, he just wants to sleep and enjoys me feeding him, dispensing the medicine, and generally letting him be. I know how to comfort my kids. And now that they're on the mend, they're back to pushing away my maternal smotherings.

But when I want God to comfort me, I am now asking , directly, for something different. He sees that I've grown up a little and that I am not expecting His comforting touches like I used to. Now I am expecting His comforting presence and His power- and He is expecting me to understand that He wants to comfort me in a way that might not initially feel good.

When He sheds light on a situation, I see things that I may not want to see. When He teaches me to discern- because we are commanded to- I may have to deal with what I am now "seeing". There will be decisions to make, and there will be a type of navigation through uncharted stormy seas that I would never, on my own, decide to go through.

But He comforts me. He comforts me with His counsel and His challenge that I must grow up and go up...higher. Mountain climbers cannot stay in a tent and have comforting massages all day. No, they have to get up, gear up, and set their sights on that peak that is calling them. They are comforted by the fact that their job is to climb mountains. Their calling is to go up higher. And like that mountain climber, God's presence and His whispers of instruction are so comforting to my soul, that my shaky knees take heart, and I too take a deep breath, and get ready to climb...higher.

Through it All

One child has a sinus and ear infection, the other child (young man) has pneumonia. He's very sick. The dog, even, has an infected mysterious spot on his back, and we are concerned about that. Thankfully we have the best of doctors, and amazingly the children's doctors' office is less than a mile from our house.

This morning as we got ready to go the doctors (they were open this weekend), we had a short little "service" in our living room. Very short- as our son was half asleep on the couch, and looking very ill. Our daughter wanted to share some Scripture verses with us that SHE felt strongly about. We smiled as she led our service. Lead on! We prayed and thanked God for His grace.We felt thankful that we have these minor illnesses to deal with. We know that there are many who are dealing with heavy, severe trials of disease and chronic illness. We have to deal with something that is treatable (even if we do have to watch carefully over our son's health due to his history of Asthma and pneumonia).

Lately, all I see is God's hand of Grace...in the midst of our small trials and obstacles. It's not that I don't think God wants to show up in some big Victories for us. He does. But for now, we are dealing with a number of concerns, obstacles, challenges, predicaments. And I see how God wants to be the stabilizing force in our life, the Hand that under girds us, the Way Maker, the Light, the Fire that continually reignites within us when we get weary or start to do too much sighing.

When I sigh a lot, I know something is wrong. It's not that I can't get weary or tired or that I am not allowed to ever feel overwhelmed. But sighing is- for me- a sign of impending despair. And that is one thing I can not ever afford to have in my life.

Despair is not supposed to be my portion in this life. Here's why:
Despair means you are without hope, and that you sense there is no way out.

a state in which everything seems wrong and will turn out badly; ...

the feeling that everything is wrong and nothing will turn out well

abandon hope; give up hope; lose heart; ...
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

I am not ever giving up hope. I have more hope than ever. I have more confidence than ever in the hand of God, the loving heart of God, the will of God, and the plan of God for my life. I see more than ever that I don't have the answers, that I don't have resources for the challenges of my own making. I perceive that God's resources are not only stored up for me, but that He waits for my recognition of this fact and longs for me to tap into what HE has in mind for the battle at hand, the problem ahead, the challenge that looks too daunting for me to handle.

"Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD" Ps. 31:24. Let your heart take hold of what He has- and don't let yourself get near that dreaded word- despair.

There's no reason not to experience more of what He has laid up for you: hope, increased perception of His grace and His strength, and a path to take THROUGH the raging seas.

Wait!

Our son got back last night from a five-day senior trip he took with his class to Virginia. It was like a trial run, for us, finding out what it feels like with him gone. When he's away at college next year, thirteen hours away by car ride, this is what it will feel like in our house: it will feel unnaturally quiet, calm, and a tad boring I think. Our son certainly livens up our home. (He's a creative techno-genius who plays his music loud and is usually engrossed in some media project where I have to make him come up for air!)

Our daughter missed him terribly, and even the dog had gastro-intestinal problems all week, nervous and confused with Alex gone. Harry laid on his bed, daily, and looked out the window for "his boy" to come home. When our son returned last night, we fed him some homemade banana bread I had made that afternoon, and listened to his account of his time away. It was so good to have him back.

Waiting for him to return got me thinking about the subject of waiting, in general. I've never liked waiting and I have to confess that I've never seen much redemptive value in it. I know its necessary to wait for good things, but I've always felt that waiting was like taking medicine: you do it because you have to, not because it's a pleasant experience.

But this morning I was drawn to this verse from Isaiah 30, and I noticed something I hadn't "seen" before. We are not the only ones who do a lot of waiting. God waits too- and He waits purposefully. He waits- not because He has to, not because He is forced to, but because He longs to be gracious to us. So He therefore waits for opportunities to display His goodness. He waits for us to be ready for Him so that He can make "Good happen"in our lives.

"And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!" Isaiah 30:18 Amplified

When I first looked up this verse to check the Hebrew word for "wait", I thought the "waiting" that God did might be different than the waiting we have to do, but it's not so. God waits or tarries (in Hebrew chakah ) to be good to us, and we are blessed when we wait (chakah) for Him.

If He can do it, so can I- the waiting, that is. If God can bear to wait for us, if He can wait and long for us to perceive His presence and His heart toward us, then I can surely wait for Him with great expectation and anticipation. I can wait for God to manifest His power in my life- and the waiting doesn't have to be a negative experience. I can wait with anticipation, wondering What will God do next?! How will He do it? What amazing thing does He want to do in my life?

Remember that line from that song- "Anticipation is making me wait"? Well, it's not anticipation that keeps me waiting. It's the God Who does great things who makes me want to wait for Him, for whatever He does next. And as I wait, I'm quite busy preparing myself- body, mind, and spirit- to grab ahold of what He's going to do. Because let me tell you, it's going to be amazing.

Rise and Shine!

I haven't been posting as frequently because all my energies have been directed into some serious exploits. Under one category they are all grouped together: the opportunity to rise. Some people would just say I'm dealing with a lot of obstacles, issues, battles, and draining situations. I thought that was what I was dealing with too...at first.

But recently I am "seeing" something I didn't see at first. "Do you not perceive it?" the Lord asks in Isaiah 43 and He asks that of me, today, as well. My answer is, "Yes, now that you ask me that, Lord, I am starting to see things I didn't see before. I'm starting to see the new thing you are doing."

When I opened my journal this morning to write, one of the first verses that came to my mind was that inspiring one from Judges 5:31, "So may all your enemies perish, O LORD! But may they who love you be like the sun when it rises in its strength...".

Difficult situations are really an opportunity in disguise to rise up in God's strength, God's perspective, and see a victory come about. There's just no other way to view these seemingly negative situations or obstacles -for the Christian- than to see them as opportunities to demonstrate the life of God IN YOU, His power to overcome. After all, to those who have no strength, He gives power. Strong young men may fall but THOSE who hope in the Lord, those who put their confidence in God, will renew their strength and...what? They will mount up with wings as eagles. They will RISE. (Isaiah 40:31)

All these thoughts were going through my mind early this morning. I studied Scripture and pondered my complex situation. Then I opened up my little leather-bound My Utmost for His Highest, and turned to today's reading and what do I read?!!-

"RISE to the occasion- do what the trial demands of you....May God not find complaints in us anymore, but spiritual vitality- a readiness to face anything He brings our way."

I'm shouting this out to you, friend. My complaints and cries are turning to shouts of victory because "Sounds of rejoicing resound in the tents of the righteous" (Ps. 118:15). (I've mentioned this loved verse before in my post Battle Song).

I'm calling out how things will be- not because they feel like they're going well, but because I am rising to the occasion. I am rising up in His strength. Realistically, I survey that challenges are in my life. But what's also in my life is the opportunity to rise.

So I'm going onward...and I'm going to higher ground.

Where I've Never Gone Before

So many people are moving. Some people I know have enjoyed the miraculous sale of their house after many months of waiting and waiting. Some have to move quickly due to a job transfer. As the school year winds up, many are thinking about what life will be like in the new town they are going to.

Now, not everyone is physically moving. Some of us are just moving onward. I hate to say "just" moving onward because it is no small thing to let go of the past, to fix your eyes on what is unseen, to take a deep breath, and by faith prepare for change, for new experiences, for increased understanding in how to look at things. Moving onward involves a resolute transfer of your affections. You may love certain memories or have enjoyed a wonderful experience, but now you're sensing that you have to move onward and go on to something new.

I know that our family will have some changes just due to the fact that our son will be living down south next year. Visiting him- or getting him home for a visit- will be no small thing. We now will have planes and/or long distance auto trips that take a whole day or more just to reconnect with each other in person. Then on top of that, we will be parents of just one child at home. I am looking at moving onward with my writing and speaking and ministry to women. My husband and I are praying about possibilities: the fact that our future is not in what we have done or in what we know, but it has to do with where we have never gone before. Maybe it's new terrain, a new landscape, or a new business or ministry- but whatever our future holds, it is not something that we will naturally feel comfortable with and used to. I do know that.

The One constant in our future is the One who holds our future. He solidifies what I feel about moving forward, moving onward: the Lord will pave the way, go before me, make the rough places smooth (Isaiah 45:2). It's His delight to do all this for me- and it's my delight to go where I have never gone before, certain that I have no need to be afraid. It's an adventure. It's a journey by faith. And I'm declaring how good it's going to be.

Spring Forward

This is a typical Spring morning in upstate New York: you open the front door and try to get a feel for the weather so you know whether to dress in sweaters and socks or to throw on a t-shirt and sandals. It's a fashion adventure, every day. And if you don't care about fashion, then it's an adventure of another sort. For those who have allergies and asthma, it's a question of what the day will do to you: will you be sneezing, coughing, gasping for air or running around playing Frisbee and happily taking in the sunshine?

I've got doctor's appointments to schedule, an orthodontist appointment for one child, prescriptions to fill for the other child, a quick jaunt to the school to drop off my kids, and then back to the school to pick one up later. This is all about attending to the necessities of life. I'm not doing any major dreaming here- or goal setting or prayerful planning with a pad of paper. This day is about the basics of health, education, breathing, and reuniting at the house tonight over a supper I have yet to decide on. I already know that today I am just going to be glad I can take care of what I can take care of.

I am not going to do anything heroic today (not that I know of); and I'm not going to be doing anything that seems grand or of a breakthrough nature. But I am going to live today- live it up to the max. And for me that means I am going to be glad I am a mom, be glad I have the ability to handle lots of appointments and issues and needs. I'm going to be thankful for the ability to cope with many small things as well as the ability to cope with the large big things in life when they arise.

HE makes me ABLE to meet what the day brings.

What's Ahead?

It's Friday, gray and almost rainy. It's the conclusion of many things and the beginning of some wonderful new things. That's life in general; and that's how my personal life seems to be right now. We're winding up some things, nearing the completion of my son's senior year of high school, anticipating the beginning of some new things, and feeling surprisingly at peace in the midst of all this change.

If there's anything that I've gotten used to- it's the fact that things are always changing. The good and bad of that? New, good things can spring up like a gorgeous flower that suddenly appears. The bad thing about change: you're in a constant state of trying to internally prepare and it's hard to prepare for what you do not know, do not yet see.

I think about that favorite verse of many- in Jeremiah- that underscores what I'm dealing with currently:

Jer. 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

In the Message version, we see this aspect of God's heart for His people, His concern that they KNOW what He is up to :

10-11This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

I just love how the Message version singles out the underlying truth that God is expressing here: He knows what He is doing! He has "it all planned out". He's got a way for us to take. And His intention is that we KNOW He is leading us, guiding us- into the unknown, yes, but into His grace and His care and His plan as well.

For those who are in the midst of change, those who are about to graduate and go on to something new, those who are about to move or about to change roles, whatever the change is- we've got a God who knows what He is doing. Prosperity- in this case- is the full realization of God's abounding grace and provision in such a way that we can look forward, look up, and greet the future with a sense of adventure and awe. Because what God has in mind is, ultimately, good.

That's How It Will Be

Several people have asked about my son being so far away from home next year when he goes off to college, inquiring about how I feel about this. I can tell you how I feel about it now: I feel grateful to God that my son has found a place that inspires him, that it has the programs in Media that he loves, that it has a campus setting where true hospitality and warmth and friendly relationships are evident . As to how I'll feel in the middle of next year, I'm not quite sure. It's uncertain what the ramifications of the great physical distance between us will be.

This morning I opened up to today's devotional reading in Oswald Chamber's book, My Utmost for His Highest, and this is what I read from April 29th's entry: "Our natural inclination is to be so precise- trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next- that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing." Oh yes, Mr. Chambers, I know what you're talking about here.

That's really the underlying issue when we talk about Surrender: what will happen when I surrender to God? If I give my life to Christ, will I be sent to some hut in the uttermost end of the earth? If I surrender the situation I'm in- to God- will He work the situation out or will He give me different feelings about it or the ability to cope with it? (and maybe you don't want the ability to cope with it- you want it solved!!).

I always come back to a little verse in Proverbs that I love: "The desire of the righteous is only good, But the expectation of the wicked is wrath" (Prov 11:23 NASB). Another way of zeroing in on the parallel between what a God-loving person wants and feels and what a person who rejects God has in sight is that one word "expectation". My expectation is that God is good and He does only good, not evil. While His ways don't always appear good or easy, I am repeatedly told in Scripture that not only are His ways higher than mine, but His essence and His work is- and has always been- good. First thing in the garden of Eden we read that God does a work of creating things and they're GOOD. From the first command of "let there be light" we see that God immediately declares and summarizes his work and the result of His work as good. "God looked at the light and saw that it was good."(Gen 1:4).

Now of course there are many times that at the start of an ugly situation we might mistakenly call it good- and we shouldn't. Or we might wrongly conclude that God wants something out of us in a situation and that isn't what He is doing. But in spite of uncertainty as to the complexity of God's ways and His thoughts, I know they are GOOD. And ultimately I will see and experience this good. Ultimately, or perhaps in Heaven, I will "see" the good when I didn't see it before. But my gut belief has to be settled on this topic because it continually comes up over and over again. While I may be uncertain as to what God is doing, what He is trying to extract out of me (like getting wine out of grapes), I know that what He IS and what He DOES is only good.


So when we talk about Surrender, we have to address our underlying question about what happens when we surrender to God: our underlying question is "Will it be good?". We want to know what God will do- but we won't know His plan in total. We won't know the myriad of ways He is trying to reach us, get through to us, grow us, mature us. There is uncertainty about what He will do, yes. But there's no uncertainty about HOW IT WILL BE: IT WILL BE GOOD.

God does no evil or harm to your soul. Settle that once and for all and you will be a person who looks at the future, who looks at the unknown, and takes God's hand and declares: I serve a good God. May it be unto me according to Your will.

And then you smile and look forward.

Delighted to Know You

I don't just relish the sun and the warmth of a glorious, bright day. I also love dark, gray, rainy days- such as the one today. These are days for pondering and contemplating, for cups of hot tea and a homemade scone if you care to quickly throw the ingredients together (they're surprisingly simple to make).

This Thursday is the last Women's LIFE Workshop for the year. We're concluding our year with the topic of Surrender: "Successful Women Wave a White Flag". I prayerfully picked out these monthly topics almost a year ago, and its so amazing to see how each month I have been seeing the application of each topic for my own life.

The Free Dictionary defines Surrender this way:
sur·ren·der (s-rndr)

1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.

2. To give up in favor of another.

3. To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right.

4. To give up or abandon: surrender all hope.

5. To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.

6. Law To restore (an estate, for example), especially to give up (a lease) before expiration of the term.

Number 4 is one aspect of the word that we think of first: to give up or abandon. It's interesting how the example given for #4 is a rather negative one-to "surrender all hope". We first think of surrender when we think of the losing battle, the one who is about to collapse on the battle field and decides to wave the flag and admit defeat.

From the biblical perspective, it's almost the opposite, I think. When we surrender, we are giving ourselves to the One who ensures our victory, who redeems our life, who enhances our perspective with clarity and insight. We surrender because we TRUST Him- and He is the only One worthy of our complete and total trust.

There's so much more we can say about surrender, but we'll get to that Thursday night. For now, I'm thinking about this quote from My Utmost , April 20th's entry: "And once you do get to the point of total surrender to Him, you will be the most surprised and delighted person on earth."

Now, I love surprises- good surprises, I should say. And the idea that I can and should be so delighted with God, so surrendered to Him that my heart's desires are- of course- only the godly desires I should want, makes me want to get to this state of mind and heart. As Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

That command (that admonishment ) from Psalm 37:4 begins with a wonderful word- delight. And the complex subject of Surrender ends with this description of your state of being when you've surrendered all: that you are the most surprised and delighted of all people. Why? You're surprised because as agonizing as the process of surrender SEEMED to be, it was surprisingly simple- though hard- in laying it all down before Him. And you're delighted because everything about God is fresh and clear in your mind now that you are completely His, now that you're satisfied to be known as His child, redeemed, valued, encouraged, and bright with hope for all He is, and will do, in your life.

The minute we are endeavoring to release, let go, surrender- to God, something surprisingly delightful is about to happen!

Under the Sunlight

Yesterday Mu and I met for breakfast. We tried to not overstay our welcome at the restaurant, and after an hour or so, we took our conversation out into the parking lot. We stood there, talking, letting the sun warm us from the tips of our heads to our toes.

"Now I know why the Druids- was it the Druids?- worshipped the sun. I mean, isn't this sunlight incredible after a long winter?" she said.

I teased her about going pagan on me but I could laugh about this because my friend Mu is very sincere about digging into God's truth, asking good questions, searching for wisdom.

We were feeling light-hearted and happy yesterday. She celebrated the resolution our family had come to: our son, Alex, was going off to the college of his choice, far away, down south- and right where he should be. It all came together. God closed some doors and opened wide this door- and though this college is 13 hours away by car, it is dear to my heart already. When Alex and I visited in January we felt "at home" there, and the Media Communications program there is tops. My son is going to "go for it" and I'm whooping it up and celebrating this open road before him. I'll cry, later, when I miss him. But now it's time to anticipate how good it will be.

In the afternoon, I visited "Mother Joy"- a woman on our Women's LIFE Ministry Team. This lady is an older woman of faith, a bold explorer, a joy and a delight. She is recuperating after a fall. But this woman- though she is ...shall we say "advanced in years"?- is young at heart. I came to visit her and encourage her in her recovery, but she bolstered my spirits, my resolve to be a trooper for the Lord. I won't even list all the things she's been through, and yet she sits there, smiling, proclaiming how good God has been to her. Her joy is evidence that she has experienced the "goodness of God in the land of the living"- because this woman is alive in her faith, her expectation of good. And because she believes that she will receive good from God, she is quick to perceive it.

One of my favorite verses having to do with joy and fruitful living is Psalm 128:2 -
"You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be happy, and it shall be well with you."

Obviously there are seasons in our life that we feel more well than at other times. There are times when we are reaping after years of sowing- such as parents who after 18 years are seeing their child go off to college, full of hope and expectation.

Then there are seasons in our life that we just want to get through. Sometimes I am about to rejoice over a victory and I remember a problem that I have. That's when I admonish myself, "Lauren- you shall be happy, and it shall be well with you." My part in the picture is to fully relish being a child of God who has no doubt that God can work it all out...in His timing...in His perfect plan.

My active faith sometimes requires me to spend time out in the sunshine, relishing the warmth and the joy I feel in that moment, knowing that it's part of God's plan for me to know how good I have it. I have a good God who loves me, is watching over me. I can trust Him. My responsibility is to perceive how His light makes the path before me become clear. I'm not supposed to live in darkness. And every chance I get to experience the sunlight, to lift my face to its warmth in gratitude, I'm supposed to remember the God who thought up the whole idea of light, of a shining sun that warms the earth. I'm supposed to remember that I haven't even begun to understand the warmth and the generosity of His loving heart toward me.

The Path Before You

Sometimes, in one single day, you can figure out a lifetime of problems. Oh, I don't mean that you suddenly have the answers to every problem you've ever had. I just mean that in one day, in one moment, you can have a revelation of something that gives you a new perspective of your past- of why you did certain things, of why you failed and why you succeeded in certain things. And this new perspective is one so enlightening that you now look forward to your future. It's not that you will never have another problem again. But now you realize that you will approach things differently.

This revelation I recently had came to me out of taking a deeper look at some of the parables Jesus taught on regarding open doors, closed doors. Maybe He didn't use that term exactly but that's what He was discussing. When He sent out the disciples, He was telling them what to do when they weren't accepted in a town (closed doors). When He taught on prayer, and the unspoken question was "What about prayers that don't get answered?" (closed doors), He answered by telling them to "Ask, and it shall be given unto you"- using the verb form of Ask meaning "KEEP ON Asking". When He spoke about the widow going to the unjust judge in search of justice, He spoke about why open doors sometimes occur- because you kept on, because you persisted, until your request was rightfully heard. I saw how many times Jesus was helping us to "get it right" and not falsely conclude or prematurely conclude that the doors were closed to us, permanently.

As our family has been dealing with important questions such as "What college is the right place for our son?" and "What work can we do that would be even more fruitful?", we have wanted to make sure that we heard the answers to these questions. We know God is not hesitant to guide us. Yet we all struggle with times that we feel we did not "get it right"- that we botched it up somehow because we misunderstood, or we over-spiritualized a situation. We felt we stumbled about- and yet we never intended to. We intended to pray, to ask God, to listen to Him, and therefore to be on our way, certain of our course.

Since I have been reading the Bible in this Contemporary English Version, I have been enjoying seeing certain favorite Scriptures come alive with new meaning. One of my favorite Proverbs in Proverbs 4:18,19. But here's how it looks in the CEV version:

"The lifestyle of good people is like sunlight at dawn
that keeps getting brighter until broad daylight.
The lifestyle of the wicked is like total darkness,
and they never know what makes them stumble."

I suddenly saw how much of a curse it is to keep stumbling about, keep making the same mistakes- and NOT know why! There's nothing worse than the situation of a person who is never progressing. Whether its constant self-sabotage, constant foolishness, or constant confusion, to not know why you are always failing and falling is a horrible curse!

The "lifestyle" (other versions use the word "path") of a godly person should be one where things are getting clearer and clearer. The internal lightbulb should be going on daily! You should be having so many "Ah-ha!" moments of discovery and revelation, that people will call you Einstein!

So if you're struggling with confusion, if you're constantly dealing with mistakes and failures or a constant internal sense that you don't know what you're doing- you first of all have to know that this is NOT supposed to be your lifestyle. Not if you're a believer in the the One who came to redeem your life from the pit! Not if you're "free" because "He who the Son sets free is free indeed".

Walking in this path of enlightenment, of ongoing revelation like that of sunlight making the shadows disappear, is your destiny. This is the heritage of the saints of God! To "never know what makes (you) stumble" is not your lot in life. No way, Jose'.

You and I are walking on a pathway where things are getting clearer and clearer. That's why, as Ps. 119:32 says " I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."

And when we're free to progress, free to succeed in shaking off the restraints and the baggage and the old patterns, we are free to not only run onward, but to enjoy the Son shining down on us as we do so.

A Tidbit of a Thought for Today

Just a real quick post today and then I'll try to catch up with you all after that. For now, in a nutshell, here's what I'm meditating on: what open doors and closed doors have to do with the principle of Surrender.

"With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment.
Always let Him lead you,
and He will clear the road for you to follow."
Proverbs 3: 5,6 (CEV)

Spring Break

This week is Spring Break and we have had more than Spring-like weather here in New York. Today it felt like the middle of summer. The sun warmed my skin and eased my muscles so that I walked along, with my daughter, as though I was a kid again, carefree, smiling, and free. We spent the afternoon in a picturesque nearby town, ate gelatto, walked miles (it seemed) and came home with a riproaring appetite for tonight's supper of fajitas. My husband and son were thrilled when we laid out all the fixings on the table, and Harry waited hopefully by my feet in case anything was dropped. But nothing came his way. We ate it all.

Monday I am taking my son to visit one more college and then he is making his final decision. Spring is here, summer is on its way, then college starts in late August, and life is changing for us with this momentous event. I will be the mother of a college student- one who will most likely be hours away from home, in a whole new region of this country.

But for today, I still have both my chicks in the nest, my dog sprawled at my feet, my husband near by, and my heart full of gratitude. I feel very rich today. It's as if my eyes were opened wide- and I really saw all the blessings in living color.

A Blessed Closed Door

If you had a chance between getting a "Yes" as an answer to your prayer request, or getting a "No", which would you choose? I used to think, Why of course I'd want the Yes. Now I'm not so sure that would be my answer.

Lately, I'm learning to love all the No's God has been sending my way. I'm appreciating the obvious closed doors that occur because I see how the doors that do open are so "of God" and not of my own doing. Now when a door closes in front of me, I'm not banging on it as long as I used to, not railing against it as though it were an insult to my character or my productivity. A closed door- a "No" - is simply God's way of saying "YES" to something else.

I went to a class last night. (I told the instructor, when I arrived, that I might have to leave early if I started coughing. This cold/allergy attack has had me spiraling into these coughing spells where I can barely catch my breath). I had signed up for this adult education class over a month ago. I'm not even going to tell you what the instructor was teaching on- because that isn't important. What's important is that I sat there with my mouth practically hanging open in wonder, perceiving all these realities she was discussing, and "seeing" some things clearly for the very first time.

Yesterday seemed to be a day when my eyes were opened to a lot of things. One person, in the afternoon, relayed a story to me about a friend who had finally gotten a job opportunity...in a different geographical location than where they had been looking. This friend of theirs had been getting a lot of No's for a long time and then they suddenly had some opened doors-but in a whole different place, setting, than they had thought to look.

I think God's loving No to us is meant to provoke us to search for His loving Yes elsewhere. But so often we think God says No to us with a stern look on His face and that He says Yes to us with a smile on His face. I see it so differently now. It just may be that God says No with more love for you than you could ever imagine. It isn't a No for the purpose of discouraging you, depressing you, disheartening you. It's a No so that you can get to His Yes. It's a No because it may not be good enough- what you're asking of Him. Or it may be that you have no idea of what God has in mind for you and He has to completely redirect your thoughts and your path.

I am welcoming these closed doors now. I see these "No's" as though they were the open door I'm longing for. After all, these closed doors are what God is using to get me into His place of abundance, His Yes for my heart's deepest desire. These are doors that He has closed out of love for me, out of planning for my good future. His "No" is still always a "Yes, I love you- and you haven't seen anything yet!!"

I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.
Jer. 29:11

Notes to Self on Surrender

It's a lot easier to surrender when you're feeling weak. It's not a bad thing, really, to get in touch with how frail you really are- in comparison to God's magestic power. I've been sick with a bad chest cold these past couple days and its getting worse. I went from walking around, coughing and sounding like a sultry smoker, to lying in bed, coughing and sounding very old, very sick.

I spent most of yesterday in bed. Bill brought me chicken soup on a tray after I woke up from a nap. Because I sound so sick- and look unwell- everyone is letting me be. They're not expecting me to rush around like I normally do, commandeering the ship here, scheduling and ordering the day. No, I've been like that bruised reed barely standing in a strong wind- and its obvious that I am not going to be super mom right now.

On top of being sick, my lap top followed me into the same kind of languishing and powering down. The last couple weeks I kept having to jiggle the cord and keep the connection firm. But it was continually shutting off on me, flashing all these warnings about the battery being low. I was trying to get it recharged but the connection is faulty. The lap top has- I say this with no drama- died. Its kaput. And all my writing is locked inside it. All my passwords are secured in its dark vault. I'm using a computer that my son and my husband hastily put together out of all the computer parts my son has. But I'm a stranger to this system. I feel out of sorts and not sure of what I am doing, other than trying to remedy this situation by doing, basically, what I can. And that's all God expects of me.

So often we think God is asking us to do these herculean tasks using great physical exertion- but really He is asking us to remember we are weak, He is strong, and all can still be well. I'm surrendering to His capable plan that allows us to see that the show can still go on without you, and that its better if it does. Who needs all that pressure of feeling that everything rises and falls with your input and your help?

I'll be feeling better soon, I'm sure. But I actually feel pretty good right now, deep inside. I feel "safe and secure from all alarm" because I'm leaning on Him, relying on His strength to be sufficient for me. It is, most assuredly, the greatest relief to find out how much God wants to show up in all His power when we are weak and stumbling. When our efficient systems go gaput or when a strong wind comes in and all your fight goes seeping out, you can still be rock solid in His strength.

It Begins with S and it Ends with Letting Go

I've been teaching monthly Women's LIFE Workshops all year. We have only one workshop left this year, in May. The last workshop I'm teaching is called "Successful Women Wave a White flag". So these next couple of weeks, until we get to May 1st, this theme will be on my mind. But few people like to go around with the concept of surrender in the back of their mind. Here's why.

Nobody ever plans on waving a white flag in surrender...if they're winning. That's why we usually equate the word "Surrender" with something negative, with a losing scene, or a losing battle. We think to surrender is to lose.Surrender is not a popular word. But then, again, neither is despair, frustration, confusion and pain- and that's what happens, often, when we are in a situation and God is telling us to yield to His leading, His way of loving, His plan for how to find peace- and we don't want to surrender.

But bask for a moment in that melodious peace that comes when you sing that beautiful hymn- "I Surrender All" and get a glimpse of what God had in mind concerning the word "Surrender". Just the first verse alone gives us a clue as to why and how we can learn to surrender-

All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live...

Do you see that word "trust" in there? When we really come to know who our living Lord and Savior is, we learn that we can definitely trust Him. We learn that to trust Him is to freely admit His plan and His design for living is the way to go. When we trust Him- and therefore surrender our right to think we know best- we wind up experiencing His incredible, magnificent presence. And in His presence there is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11).

I love the way the Message version words this passage from Psalm 16:11:

Now you've got my feet on the life path,
all radiant from the shining of your face.
Ever since you took my hand,
I'm on the right way.

Think of it this way: you raise your hand in surrender, clutching that white flag that symbolizes the end of the battle. God sees your lifted hand and reaches out. He takes the white flag of surrender out of your hand, and in replacement,He puts His own Hand in yours. You surrendered to His love- and He holds your hand firmly, and with the intention of directing you, leading you ... onward.

It's ironic how our intention in surrendering is to let go of control, of what we know "in part", and God's intention is to hold us securely, lead us victoriously, keep us safe eternally. I'd say that's an exchange made in Heaven.

What Happens When Women are Expecting

I'm not talking about swollen ankles and gestational diabetes and craving for chocolate. I'm talking about what happens when women are expecting God to move mightily in their midst. I'm talking about the retreat I was at this past weekend. I'm talking about how it's possible to pour yourself out to others- and yet leave filled to overflowing.

The ladies of Grace Chapel invited me to come and be their Speaker this past weekend at their annual retreat up in the quiet place of Speculator, NY. But really I was invited into the presence of God, the joy and feasting that God spreads out for His children who need Him...and know that they need Him.

Some of the things that occurred over the weekend were expected. I prepared four teachings and the women prepared their hearts prayerfully. The two Worship Leaders, Robyn and Diane, prepared- bringing their keyboard and guitar and their rich voices ready to sing out God's praises. (Listen to their inspiring song, God is here at their website.) The kitchen help prepared great meals. The prayer team prepared to intercede continually for the whole weekend.

But who could have prepared for all the joyous unexpected things such as the warm welcome they gave me and my "Whirling Dish Towel Worship Dance"? (All I can tell you ,blog readers, is that you had to be there- and that I'm not that shy about sharing what I do when I get desperate to connect with God!!) (See the first comment here for a more detailed account-against my better judgment!)

Who could have prepared for the close knit fellowship of so many women from all ages, different churches, and carrying different burdens when they came in?But nobody went home carrying those burdens.We cast them off- with laughter, with tears, with open sharing, with open hands that told God we were in need of a real big filling of our cup.

And boy did He fill us up.

Wow

I just got back from teaching at a women's retreat this weekend and all I can say is....WOW. God always does "abundantly above what we can ask or imagine", doesn't He? He refills the empty cup. He splashes color on pale, dry ground. He energizes those who need to continue onward and upward, and who think that maybe they can't go another step. They find out, though, that they can.

You can always take a step further with God. Even if the miles stretch before you, you only have to think about a step at a time. You only have to rest your mind on the goodness of God displayed all around you; shown in the "land of the living".

I'll share more later. But for now, I have to unpack, hug my family, refill an empty fridge, and walk around with a big smile on my face because of all the wonderful things that God is up to. That He joyfully let me catch a glimpse of some of these things makes me just smile even more.

I'm physically exhausted, but I've never been more ready to go onward with Him.

Inquiring Hearts Want to Know...His Love

Remember that old 1980's TV ad, "Inquiring Minds want to know"? Well, they still do. This mind- mine- especially. I almost can see the Lord shaking His head and saying with wonder, "This child can't get enough of My answers." The problem is, the Lord isn't saying this with a smile, really. It's more of a pained look on His face because I'm after what He holds in His hands, rather than what He holds in His heart for me.

Yesterday was stressful. I won't go into everything, but the day ended with me deciding to take a prayer walk. I brought my daughter with me, and we walked vigorously up and down the street in front of the town library, talking, praying, walking. We had not quite finished when all of a sudden the skies opened and down came the rain. We raced to the car parked in the library parking lot where we had earlier returned a DVD. I drove out of the library on the curbed, winding road and managed to hit the curb,popping my tire. I parked the car in the library parking lot again, called my husband, and watched as the rain gushed down even more.

Bill arrived, jacked up the car, put on the spare tire- all in the pouring rain. Then, within minutes, he was done, and we both drove home. He's a good man. It was a long day. And that flat tire was the easiest part of my day. It was fixable. (At least for my husband, it was). There are other big issues in my life that cannot be remedied that quickly.

That flat tire let me know that some things can be taken care of rather quickly. Some problems end within minutes of occurring. And some problems are with us a long time. But longer than that is His grace for us, His love and compassion. It's higher than the heavens, deeper than the ocean. And God is inviting me to explore this vast realm of His love. He says its far better for me to explore the wonders of His love for me than for my inquiring mind to seek out answers.