Notes to Self on Surrender

It's a lot easier to surrender when you're feeling weak. It's not a bad thing, really, to get in touch with how frail you really are- in comparison to God's magestic power. I've been sick with a bad chest cold these past couple days and its getting worse. I went from walking around, coughing and sounding like a sultry smoker, to lying in bed, coughing and sounding very old, very sick.

I spent most of yesterday in bed. Bill brought me chicken soup on a tray after I woke up from a nap. Because I sound so sick- and look unwell- everyone is letting me be. They're not expecting me to rush around like I normally do, commandeering the ship here, scheduling and ordering the day. No, I've been like that bruised reed barely standing in a strong wind- and its obvious that I am not going to be super mom right now.

On top of being sick, my lap top followed me into the same kind of languishing and powering down. The last couple weeks I kept having to jiggle the cord and keep the connection firm. But it was continually shutting off on me, flashing all these warnings about the battery being low. I was trying to get it recharged but the connection is faulty. The lap top has- I say this with no drama- died. Its kaput. And all my writing is locked inside it. All my passwords are secured in its dark vault. I'm using a computer that my son and my husband hastily put together out of all the computer parts my son has. But I'm a stranger to this system. I feel out of sorts and not sure of what I am doing, other than trying to remedy this situation by doing, basically, what I can. And that's all God expects of me.

So often we think God is asking us to do these herculean tasks using great physical exertion- but really He is asking us to remember we are weak, He is strong, and all can still be well. I'm surrendering to His capable plan that allows us to see that the show can still go on without you, and that its better if it does. Who needs all that pressure of feeling that everything rises and falls with your input and your help?

I'll be feeling better soon, I'm sure. But I actually feel pretty good right now, deep inside. I feel "safe and secure from all alarm" because I'm leaning on Him, relying on His strength to be sufficient for me. It is, most assuredly, the greatest relief to find out how much God wants to show up in all His power when we are weak and stumbling. When our efficient systems go gaput or when a strong wind comes in and all your fight goes seeping out, you can still be rock solid in His strength.