Every Step I Take

I thought I'd start out this post with some simple powerful truths that you need to know for today:

Today is already a very good day.

You've got some choices to make today, but I know you will choose well; so I'll say "good job!" already.

You've got God's favor working on your behalf, even if you can't see it; so just know that you've got way more going for you, than against you.

Lately I've been realizing that I know more than I think I do--but that isn't even the victory. It's not what you know that matters so much as what you do with what you know. Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:24 that successful, healthy people are those who put into practice the good things that they know. There's knowing something, and then there's doing something with what you know. But take heart, you are doing this already. God has given you a head start...when he designed your brain.

I've heard some people say that they've never gotten a lucky break. And I know some people who feel like God has failed them when they asked for His help. They didn't feel like they got specific direction from God. I've had times, myself, when I feel like God has let me loose in a fog and yet told me to follow Him. "Oh, this is just ducky," I've muttered to myself as I go bumbling about. There have been times when it didn't feel like my steps were at all ordered by God, much less directed by Him.

But let me share with you something about how God is leading you right now (because He IS leading you). He designed you, designed your brain, to aid you in the actual taking of every step. He designed you so that you will not fall. He thought of the concept of equilibrium and balance. Even if you're in a wheelchair, God wants you to know you can stand in Him. Even if you're lying down, beseiged in exhaustion or grief, God wants you to know you can be upright in Him. He designed us that that we can take actual physical steps of progress-- and that's not even the beginning of tapping into His storehouse of wisdom and insight and revelation.

Ruel Hinaloc writes in The Brain More Than a Computer about how our brain helps us take steps of progress. "Although extremely fast, computers handle only one piece of information at a time, whereas the human nervous system processes millions of pieces of information simultaneously. For example, during a stroll in the springtime, you can enjoy the beautiful scenery, listen to the song of birds, and smell the flowers. All these pleasant sensations are transmitted simultaneously to your brain. At the same time, streams of information flow from the sense receptors in your limbs, informing your brain of the moment-to-moment position of each leg and the state of each muscle. Obstacles in the footpath ahead are noticed by your eyes. On the basis of all this information, your brain ensures that each step is taken smoothly." (italics mine)

If God cared enough to make a brain that ensures your steps will be smooth and steady, how much more will He give you the emotional and spiritual assistance to make those physical steps endued with power when they become steps of faith as well!

You've got a lot going for you. You've got an incredible brain, designed by God, to aid you in taking steps forward. And then add to that ALL of heaven's resources at your disposal. Just trust God for that next step that seems so hard for you. It's not hard. It just seems hard.

When you think of it, you were designed for progress. You were designed for forward movement and you were designed to stay upright as you make progress.

So, repeat after me:

It's a good day, already. (Psalm 118:24)

I know how to choose wisely, and I will do so. (Phil. 2:13)

There is more going on for me than against me. (Rom 8:31)

There now. You've already made progress. Now take another step. And then another.

I'll look for you at the next pit stop, further on down the road.

Loud and Clear

Well my dear blog friends, for those of you faithfully dropping by here to see if I have gotten going on my intention to make things "loud and clear" here at FAITH FUEL, the answer is No, I am not yet at the point of broadcasting live or vlogging, but I haven't been silenced either. Sometimes when you're trying to break through into doing something new and you haven't completely succeeded, you can at least say you haven't stopped trying.

And you know why I'm trying to make a change in how I get my messages to you? Because certain people in my life are prodding me to do this and I have been resisting as though they were asking me to jump into a pool of alligators. I like writing down my thoughts and my struggles and my "lightbulb moments" of sudden illumination that I share with you all here; and I love speaking at Retreats and Conferences and Bible Studies. But to speak out into the blog world and try bringing you some words of encouragement in that manner- well, I would; I mean I'm not against doing that; but really, is that what I should be doing? (Can you hear the resistance?!)

My husband, Safety Bill, has been telling me that Change is in the Air. He says he can almost smell change coming, that it smells like something fresh and new. I don't smell anything. Well, other than Harry, who is in desperate need of a bath and total mowing- I mean, grooming. The only thing I sense is that I'm used to writing my thoughts and I'm used to posting them quietly. The only way you'd hear my posts is if you read them out loud. And now I've got a bit of prodding to change things, change the way I do things. Change the way I come across to you, how I come across to you.

But the key thing is that we do cross over- from resistance to cooperation, from fear to faith, from old ways of doing things to new ways of doing things. I don't even think you have to know exactly what you are doing when you start to make concrete changes in your life. Nobody would make changes if they waited till they were exactly sure of what they were doing!

I'm never exactly sure of what I'm doing- it's more like I'm sure of what- or Who- is motivating me to make the changes that I will eventually not be sure of. Does that make sense? I'm sure that God is behind the prodding for these changes. And actually, I'm sure God is behind not so much the changes themselves, but the willingness I need to have to make these adjustments and turning points.

God looks for bendable people. Flexible, bendable people are not willy nilly in their convictions- they're just open to how their convictions will be carried out. They know that when all is said and done, things just might look completely different than when they first started out on their new journey to Change.

Maybe you feel impressed to take a certain path, pursue a certain job, and you're just about to reach out and lay hold of it when- poof- it almost seems to evaporate. The offer is withdrawn; someone else gets the job. Maybe a serious relationship that you thought for sure was going to lead to a proposal of Happily Ever After is now a relationship crumbling into the dust. Maybe the Answer that you fasted and prayed for is now turning out to not exactly be the answer you were looking for. But, hold on! Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Cor. 13:12) Sometimes we only get part of the picture; sometimes we get a partial revelation of what God is doing but then we add to that partial our idea of what's happening. We need to get used to saying "I only know in part, but I can fully obey God." God is after our willingness to pursue Him and His will in all things. He knows we only see in part, but He's got the full picture. He will lead, and keep leading you, into the fullness of His will and His abundance.

Stumble about, if you have to- but at least stumble forward. Stumble into change. Thrash and flail about it, but do it anyway. That's what I'm doing. My techno-son is helping me make this transition with changes coming to my blog and website. My husband is prodding me. My friend Scott who has a ministry going through changes is encouraging me to get going. And most of all, God is calling me to enter into the Transition Time with gusto and excitement for the new things He has ahead. I don't really know what the changes I make now will lead to in the future. But I do know that my willingness to change- to move with God- will definitely keep me hearing Him calling me onward- and I will hear Him loud and clear.

The No and the Nod of God

I haven't been posting as much, lately--I know. But I've been having a sort of mini revival--all thanks to recently discovering anew that God's No is not the same as God's frown. I suddenly feel so loved and protected, in spite of all the No's I've had.

God's No is not such a bad thing, I've been discovering. But No is not a word we normally enjoy or appreciate.

Think of it: when you were a child and you reached out for something and heard a severe "No!" it was probably not an enjoyable experience. There might have been a No to dessert, a No to getting a toy, a No to going to a party. We remember the No's. And yes, of course, your parents (hopefully) said No to protect you: No to touching hot stoves, No to walking alone at Night, No to staying past curfew, etc etc. But still, a No is not a word we heartily embrace.

The word "No" has gotten a bad rep. And lately I've been discovering that when God says No, He might just be saying "I love you too much to let you go through that door....at least right now." Sometimes No is "Not yet" and sometimes God's No is a resounding Alarm not too unlike the clanging fire alarm that goes off because a call comes into the local fire station that some bo-bo has set their kitchen on fire because they had their dish towel too close to the stove (I have never done that, but I have set my hair on fire when I leaned too close to the candle, once. But no fire truck was needed, thank you).

When God says No it could often mean an indirect Yes to something else--something you don't YET have in mind, but God does. God always has your Best in mind when He answers you. Because He knows the plans He has for you (Jer. 29:11).

Lately I've had a renewed enthusiasm in coming to God in prayer and discovering that I really don't care whether he says No or nods Yes--I just care that He cares, that He bends down to listen to me...and that His Answer is always perfect, always in my best interest. Sometimes it takes me awhile to figure out His answer.

But one thing I know for sure: I'm begining to appreciate and love the No and the Nod of God...because I know that He loves me.

Above It All

I just launched a missile...I mean, wrote a lengthy missive to my 21 year old son, just now. It was one of those letters where you're trying to get things off your chest, so to speak, and trying to communicate love and acceptance at the same time. I felt like I was going through this hole in the rock, and didn't know how I was going to come out or come across.

I've been operating, lately, out of the dregs of my post-winter reserves. Which is to say, I've got about a quarter ounce of grace left. It's time for a big gulp of joy and some rolling-on-the-floor laughter which would rekindle my sense of humor, my sense of perspective.

I feel like there's going to be the clash of the titans, what with my son coming home for the summer. He's like a tornado of creativity and joy--but a tornado, no less. There'll be a lot of flying debris, a lot of stormy discussions, much laughter, a lot of pizza making, and probably some exclamations of exasperation on my part. The four of us are all adults (well, my daughter is 16--but 16 going on 26 as far as maturity) with well-formed opinions and personalities and preferences. Harry, our dog, is the only amenable one of the bunch. He will acclimate to every situation. He is the one with grace.

I don't know when I felt my reserves running dry. Obviously Old Man Winter took the majority of my joie-de-vivre. But it's also due to the fact that my son will be graduating from college in a little over a year, and my daughter is working a summer job and talking about college choices and ready to go off to college in two years.

And here's the thing about raising children: you never see when they become adults. Oh, technically they become adults when they turn 18 and then especially at 21. But there are so many times along the way that you have to intervene and coach them through things. And there is no clear end to when you'll feel relieved enough, or settled enough, about them and the decisions they are making and the experiences they are going through.

Safety Bill and I were sitting on the couch one morning last week and I had my feet in his lap and he had his coffee mug in hand and we both had our kids on our mind. We were talking about our daughter --who rarely makes us worry about anything major. But of course we're always concerned about her emotional state, her spiritual journey, her physical health, her academic choices. And then just when we had finished discussing one particular little issue in her life, it occurred to us that every choice in her life would then affect us. It wouldn't stop at college or marriage or career. We'd never be done parenting-- or with the concern, I should say, that parents feel.

I don't know how God does it: how does He handle the weight of the world, the numerous requests coming to him night and day, day and night? I would be so weary. I AM weary, right now, just thinking about it. I'm weary and....relieved-- that He is NOT weary.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."Is 40:28

Maybe contemplating that mystery alone--that God does not ever grow tired or overwhelmed-- will help renew my strength. Because my strength is in Him. My ability to go the distance, whether its in parenting or any other task or responsibility, can be tied into His ability to not grow weary-ever. He's fresh on the scene of our life, night and day. He refreshes weary parents. And weary wanderers.

I poured my heart out, in that letter to my son; telling him things I wanted him to know, reminding him of things I didn't want him to ever forget: things like I love him, like I believe in his ability to persevere and succeed, and that therefore I'm looking forward to what he's going to choose. I challenged him but I also reminded myself of some things as well. He's at a cross-roads of choices. But really, so am I, the biggest one being that every day I've got to choose to renew my strength or pay the price of running on empty.

But if I do remember to renew my strength in Him, this will refresh my perspective, which will give me a second wind. Sure, I'll also get pushed out further and further into the mainstream of life where the challenge of complex choices might tax me some. I'll get weary, often. But God never will-- and He's sustaining me. So, I know that there will also be those times where, once in a while, I'll get to soar on eagles' wings, above it all.

Higher Ground

I had one of those light bulb moments this morning; you know, your brain is foggy, you're dutifully eating your pasty but good-for-you oatmeal, and you're looking at a Scripture verse for minutes on end while your mind is somewhere else, and then....Blink! The light is turned on.

First, though, there was coffee and a bit of "discussion" with Safety Bill this morning. I like to say we discuss things, but anyone listening in might say "That sounds more like arguing." But that's only because when I "discuss" things, I tend to get a little vehement, a little heated, and Safety Bill gets more quiet and goes on high alert--like he's thinking that the boiler pressure relief valve might let go. His thinking is Safety first. Mine is Make Way for Truth. We try to meet in the middle.


But there's no middle ground when God is pruning you. That's what I've been thinking about lately. John 15:2 alludes to some kind of "pruning" that God does in our life--like you're an apple tree and God is going to lop off a few branches. NOT! If that were the case, you would know what was going on when God was pruning you. It's easy to see the branches come off--if that were pruning.

But the Greek word here has to do with God purging your life. It's more of a vicious cleansing than a lopping off. He takes what is mixed-up in your life and un-mixes it. He removes things. He peels things away. And I'm convinced that when God is pruning, you feel more of a panic and dismay than a non-chalant attitude of "Oh, that's just God pruning me."

I don't think we have to go around pretending that we like being pruned. When we're going through a confusing, botched up situation and things are falling apart in our life, and we feel a little uncertain about what the heck is going on, and someone asks you how you're doing, we don't need to give some spiel about how wonderful it is to walk with God and be pruned. It's better to say, "I feel like I'm in a storm. I'm a bit confused as to what God is doing in my life right now. It's all a b it murky right now."

But hold on for the light bulb moment! Because at some point down the road, it WILL come on. Matthew 5:8 says, "Blessed are the PURE in heart, for they will see God." And in this case, the word PURE has the same Greek root word meaning as PRUNED: you're PURE because God has purged you, He's made you clean in your motives, He's removed undesirable elements from your life. And if you've ever prayed to see God more clearly, He'll take you up on that prayer. He'll shake up your staid life, purge things from it, remove the impure motives, and make you look like a mess all the while it's happening. (Ask Job.)

But hang in there, friend. Because blessed are the pure (and pruned and radically purged)--they're going to see God. When God has messed up your organized life a little, and torn apart your nest, and re-arranged relationships and purged addictions from your life, get ready for some major light-bulb moments. You're about to see things in a whole new light. You're about to see God. And when you do, you'll be glad that when you were this close to giving up, you didn't. Because like Job, though He slay you and purge you, yet you trust Him... to see you through.

Have You Got the Time?

My timing has been a bit off here at Faith Fuel--I've been writing sporadically and posting from time to time but not with any degree of regularity. Getting the timing right on something is always a bit of a challenge, isn't it?

I love how the Psalmist writes, "My times are in your hands" (Psalm 31:15). He's referring to the seasons of opportunity and the timing of certain events being directly in God's powerful hands. It's a good thing that divine timing is not left up to me, I can't even get human timing right!

The thing is, if our seasons and windows of opportunity are in God's hands, then chances are (timing, again) that we're going to be in the dark about things until they're made clear. And most people who are "in the dark" feel somewhat afraid, a bit tenuous about their sense of security.

For example, I'm in the dark as to when I'll hear from my college-aged son, what exactly he is doing down south, what he is up to. I'll get a text message from him from time to time, but I basically don't know what he is doing, if he's getting to classes, sleeping at all, or remembering that college is about getting an education and not about having an extended vacation. He's a creative, wild type, my son; prone to taking a hair-raising adventure like Mr. Toad in the Wind in the Willows. It's best if I am kept in the dark about what he's up to because my heart rate might accelerate out of control if I know all the things going on in his life.

But maybe there's a correlation with how God works as well: I don't think I could handle knowing everything that is coming my way, or what "adventure" God is lining up for me to experience next. I thought I wanted to know more about what God is doing in the dark so that I can take a more definitive stance to what I am doing in the light. But God does not play fair--mainly because He doesn't play with our lives and He has a different standard for what fair is.

If I cast my bread upon the waters, as it says in Ecclesiastes, I may have to wait days, weeks, months, years before I see what happens. A better way to understand this verse and see that it doesn't have to do with soggy bread but Timing, instead, is to read the verse in the New Living Translation: "Send your grain across the seas, and in time, profits will flow back to you." So you're really casting your ships on the water, over tumultuous seas, where they sail out until you can't see them anymore. They've disappeared into the horizon. You don't know when they'll return, and if they'll return full or empty.

My Dad didn't want me to major in English, back when I was in College, because he couldn't see that there would be a very good return for me career-wise. Where do English majors wind up? In various and sundry places, I can tell you that from experience. I completely understand, now, why he wanted to guide me into calmer waters where smooth sailing--at least career-wise--was a bit more possible.

There have been a number of ventures and adventures that I've taken over the years and when I look back, I can see where I would have taken a different turn or where I would have changed course, depending on what I saw coming my way, at that time. But all my seasons of life are woven together, working together for good; they're held in God's hands and He has promised to make sense of them all.

And after recently having a pivotal birthday, I'm obviously wondering if I've got the time, still, to make my life count, make my mistakes count even. Mistakes go hand in hand with risk. And risk is an ingredient in Faith. And without Faith, it's impossible to please God, says Hebrews; because God is looking for people who send out their ships on the waters and release them to the wind and to the chance of storms and danger. There's a chance an endeavor you've gotten involved in may start to go south. There's a chance that you can't quite reach that goal that you've set for yourself. But there's one thing I'm sure of: you've got the time, still, to reach out and go for the impossible. It's still the opportune season for taking a faith adventure because it is always God's will to press onward, press toward Him, and reach for something that would take His power, in you and on you, to do.

Don't stand too long looking at your ship sailing into the purple strirated horizon and wondering how long it will take till you see a return. It's probably a better usage of our twenty-four hour time to pour ourselves into the work at hand and leave the timing of it all, the outcome of it all, in God's hands where mysteries lay concealed... until the opportune time.

O Happy Day

Harry's fan club is growing, mainly because as he ages, his adorableness does not seem to wane. I, on the other hand, experienced a rather traumatic event in February that has to do with the accounting of time in a chronological manner. Yes, the dreaded birthday. I really was having a hard time with this one in particular and wasn't even going to write about it. I was going to try to pretend that it hadn't occurred.

But that's cowardly. We don't "do" cowardly here at Faith Fuel. So let me share what went on in my head and heart over the last week and a half. I tried to be plucky about this new decade and age category I was entering. I tried not to be so shallow that getting a year older should upset me so.

But it really wasn't the birthday that was getting to me. It was the fact that a year had passed and I had not accomplished anything significant--at least in my mind. Which is the place where age matters, really--it's all in your mind. That's where a lot of our problems are as well, or the magnification of our problems, I should say. In our mind's eye, everything looms large and threatening when it might just be a whisper of a problem.

I was not happy on February 21st, the day of my birthday. I went to bed that night and felt listless, defeated, deflated. I woke up the next day and things were still gray: the skies, my mood, my outlook. I think God had had enough of my pity party because that afternoon as I was driving around doing errands, I felt that whisper of tender inquiry, "What's really bothering you, Lauren?"

So I told God, "It's that I don't feel like I'm 50. I feel like I'm 41 or 42. I wish I could still be in my forties. That would just feel like I have more time to, you know, 'get there.' "

I felt like God was in a forbearing mood when He countered with, "So then, do you want to turn back time and go back seven or eight years. That would mean your son is back in middle school, having that rough year, and you would be without the church family that you're connected with right now."

"Oh, no, I don't want to go back to that season of my life" I thought. "How about 45 then? I'd like to at least be in my forties."

"Well then you'd be experiencing that delightful transitional stage with your son. Remember that period of time where there was a lot of yelling and asserting of independence and storming around the house and slamming of doors- and it wasn't just him doing all that??" God reminded me.

I flushed with embarrassment. This was not going well. I saw where God was going with this. I saw that to survive somewhat-trying seasons, you had to pay the price of time. You gave up minutes, hours, days, months of your life. But you also got the reward of having gotten THROUGH that time. And once you get through a difficult time, why would you want to go through it again?

I felt a sudden wave of deep appreciation for where I was in life, at that very moment, at that very age I was. It's not really your age that defines you anyhow--though society wouldn't exactly agree with that.

I think of Abraham in the Bible. "Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people."(Genesis 25:8) This is the man we affectionately and respectfully refer to as Father Abraham. You don't get to be a father unless you pay the price of years spent. You don't get to be a grandparent unless you are "full of years."

I want to get to the point where I can view advancing age, old age, as something that is GOOD, something that is a Reward. After all, ask anyone battling a life-threatening disease if they are worried about getting a year older. They want to get to the point where the possibility of living to "a good old age" is a reality.

And so, on behalf of them, and on behalf of those who are trying to get THROUGH trying times, I embrace this new age, this birthday I just had. This was my reward. I didn't just make it through another year, I completed a level. I passed some tests. I have made it into a new season of life. I've got a brilliant son in college who will be graduating in a little over a year. I've got a teenaged daughter who has excellent judgment and such perspective for a sixteen year old. My husband and I will celebrate 27 years of marriage this August. My mind is still clear. My dreams are still alive.I've got a lot going for me, even though gravity and the passing of time might defy my body.

You know what a birthday really is? It's a Door. Each Year that Comes is an Open Door that leads to many things. I turn the doorknob and step into a new year mindful that I get the opportunity to explore and question and grow. I get to experience the grace of God, and if anything, I think I see His grace more clearly the older I get. Hopefully I am more grateful than I was last year, more thankful than ever to be alive- because this is Life, moving fast and faster. I step into the flow of wonder and awe expectant and eager to live to a good old age.

The LIVING Room

Thanks to House Beautiful, I can stare at this photo for hours, wondering why it has such a hold on me. I love the bright pink here--the punch of color that jolts you out of winter doldrums and into contemplation of the colors of Spring that are on their way.

We lived with a lot of gray this winter- gray skies, gray rooms, gray salted slush piling up on all the sidewalks.

You endure a winter--unless you're an outdoor enthusiast whizzing down the mountain or cross country skiing through the woods. (Good for you, if that's you!)

Me--I take the hole-up-and-hibernate route and venture out for long walks when the snow has melted and the sun warms my skin. I've got another month or two till that happens.

Harry is wearing a cute little collar I made out of an old cashmere sweater. Safety Bill thinks he looks ridiculous in it. But I've had scissors in my hand and old magazines and old sweaters piled in my room, and my sewing box at my feet, and this is what you get from me during the winter: candles that wear custom little sweaters and Harry wearing a little blue bow-tie collar around his neck. This is me making it through winter. You do what you gotta do.

Like the other day when I went over to stay with my mom while her two main caregivers were out. We had a song fest in the living room (which looks nothing like the picture above!) On the old out-of-tune piano, I pounded away, plinking out rusty chord patterns and trying to keep the melody.

"This is what you get, Mom, after five years of me taking lessons" I called out with a sheepish smile.

She didn't care about the out-of-tune sound or the missed notes. She just wanted to sing. We sang Christmas carols and the theme song from Love Story and a couple of those old glory hymns. My mother clapped at the end of each song like I had finished a recital for the queen. That's how we passed the morning hours that day, making a joyful noise--emphasis on the word "noise."

The living room looks nothing like the picture above. The furniture is faded, mismatched. The old oriental rug pummeled to death. The only color is the plethora of green plants placed all over the room. The piano is chipped, and several keys have the ivory missing. It's not exactly a showcase of a room. But it's where I spent my childhood and teen years. It's where I practiced the piano for hours, not exactly thinking I would become proficient but thinking that it was a good thing to do.

I'm glad my mother never said to me, "This is what I get out of all those years we paid for lessons?!" Because what she got was a terrible piano player who can barely read music. But I think she hears something different when I play. I think she hears, not the botched chords or the awkward sounds of wrong notes, but instead, the years of me practicing away with her covertly perched by the sliding door listening to the comforting sound of someone just trying to get it right.

Victory

Okay, so I was going to start faithfully writing here again. But there have been things (distractions) conspiring against me. Bugs in my computer. Technical problems. A myriad of things. I could go on, but you get the idea- I've been relieved for this reprieve. Went back into my little chipmunk hole.

But the reason I came back to blogging here at Faith Fuel was to keep myself accountable. Otherwise, I might entirely disappear. (That's what happens to introverts when given too much free reign).

I hope to make these posts less intermittent. I hope to get down to the nitty gritty and talk about the things that have been happening, the ideas I've had, the challenges we've all been facing, the victories we've won. A victory can be seemingly small- like hauling myself over to the keyboard and writing this post.

But it feels good, however slight its ramifications.

So, there you have it. One small step ...in the right direction.

Back to School

This is going to be one busy week. I don't know why I am doing all this laundry and sorting and packing because when my son gets back to his college campus down south, it'll be the end to all that neat organized arrangement of things. His clothes will be everywhere. He will be everywhere (on campus and off campus on his jaunts to concerts). And I will be back here, up north, missing him, and wondering how he is doing.

But hey, I'm a veteran now. This is his second year away from home, at college. This is my second year of missing him but also enjoying the fact that my son is launched, off and running, on his way, and all those other cliches that let you know one era of life has ended and another has begun.

But I'm happy. I'm not crying or mourning the fact that he's leaving. He's as much part of my heart as ever, even though we spend more and more time apart. This is what it means for him to be an adult, and this is what it means for me to be the mother of a child-now-adult.

What it also means is that my praying has changed. How I pray for my son, now, as opposed to when he was a child, is so different. I pray for him to have wisdom, good judgment, sober thinking- because I don't need to pray that he'll enjoy life and grab it by the tail, cause he's already doing that.

And so I'm going to live well and strong as well. There's a lot more for me to learn and experience- even if I'm not at a college campus.

From One Season to the Next

I'm sporadic in my posting lately, I know. It's just that I've been busy, racing around, involved in a lot of things. Instead of the lazy hazy days of summer, I am experiencing more of a Spring time renewal. Things are growing: like some new relationships I have, possibilities for income, my Meyer Lemon tree sapling my brother Mark gave me, and my appetite (for some reason I want corn on the cob almost every night for supper, and then lots of salty popcorn later on in the evening).

In less than a month, our daughter will celebrate her 15th birthday, my husband will drive our son back to college (a lo-o-o-ng 14+ hr journey) and my husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. I'll probably be playing that song "Celebrate good times" loud and clear.

I'm encouraged by the newly found interest my son, Alex, has in good health- and hoping that we won't have any trips to the emergency room this coming year because of his asthma or bouts with pneumonia. Not if my Dad can help it: he has loaded Alex up with bottles of vitamins and fish oil pills, and I'm sure the bags of nuts, seeds, and dried fruits will be coming next. It's a good feeling when others are aiding you in your pursuit to strengthen your child- even if your pursuit is practically pushing good nutrition down their throat (it's all out of love, trust me).

It's almost mid August, and I'm not sorry at all that summer is coming to an end. It's been a good summer, a healing summer. We never did get to the ocean for our annual vacation. It was tight financially for a while. But it was never tight or thin with lack of love. There's been a lot of joy, togetherness, pizza making, celebrating (even if its just celebrating the little things). It's been a rich summer, golden and bright with hope.

And Fall being the Harvest season, and somewhat visible already, has me feeling very expectant, very alive with hope, and very much glad to be alive.

When You're Unclear ........................... about Faith, Doubt, Fear

On a more serious note (well, certainly more serious than how to avoid baking disasters - see last post) I never realized how many forms of unbelief were out there. And not just "out there" but in me as well. Seeds of doubt and seeds of faith have been germinating deep inside me and now I'm paying the price for this ruinous combination.

You just can't go forward in life- when you're taking steps backwards at the same time. Without realizing it, I have been participating in a dance where confident belief takes the first step, doubt and hesitation take the next, reproach for my unbelief takes another forward step, and then downright skeptical and harsh unbelief go next. This is an ugly dance. (What can I say? Not since my disco days have I been noted for any grace on the dance floor.But back in the late '70s and early '80's, I was quite the thing, whirling around on the dance floor and feeling alive while I dance to "Staying Alive").

It isn't just making a decision about my daughter's place of schooling that has got me in a tizzy, but add to that employment and financial decisions, not to mention our house on the market and whether we should "push" harder to get it sold, and I've got a number of decisions to make. My husband and I, together, have these joint decisions, and then we each, separately, have our individual career paths to consider.

So I've been praying. Slightly pleading. And proclaiming a lot of God's promises. And then perjuring myself when I doubt and reconsider whether God is really on my side. Oh, I know He loves me and all that, but sometimes there's something in me that suspects God's love is a tortuous type that majors in trials and minors in grace.

I've been studying these words, trying to get to the root of them: Faith, Doubt, Unbelief. I never knew there were so many ways one could disbelieve God- but there are. You can downright refuse to believe, or you can start out believing and then waver in unbelief, or you can believe God and then reconsider whether you were right to believe a certain thing, or you can reconsider and suspect that God is after something else in you.

The more introverted type- such as I am- tend to do a lot of inner thinking that surges and rises and torments, and nobody knows that you are exhausting yourself to death in trying to figure out what to do, what to believe, what decision means you are operating in Faith.

There are at least four words, in the New Testament, that have to do with the word doubt or unbelief- but that have distinct definitions. You can't just tell someone not to doubt without explaining what Doubt looks like, and what Faith would mean in their situation.

There's lack of faith or being uncertain in faith- before you make a decision. Then there's a type of unbelief that has to do with lacking confidence in God's will to help you, or His ability to help you. Then there's skepticism- which causes you to reconsider your faith , your prayers that you sent up with smoke signals and lots of pleading. And then, of course, there's the worst kind of unbelief which is the obstinate refusal to believe God, a superior type of thinking that mocks God's abilities when compared to your own.

I imagine there's countless ways to believe and to disbelieve God. But at the root of our expressed faith or unbelief are the reasons why we will, won't, choose to, can't, wish we could, BELIEVE GOD. Everyone has a unique set of circumstance, personal history, mounting inner conflicts, and reasons why they are where they are- when it comes to walking in faith and moving mountains by faith.

Here's where I encourage myself. It seems God deals more stringently with those who refuse to believe or are skeptical to believe. (Repentance is the prescribed cure for these nasty expressions of arrogance or bitterness). Then there's God's gentle wooing ways with those who are confused (and we do a great job of confusing ourselves), and with those who are vacillating- like Peter who confidently stepped out of the boat, in faith, and began walking on water and THEN realized he wasn't a water-walker by birth. Faith rises up and tells us we can be more than what we were- and Doubt reminds us that what we were was, at least, safe.

So what I am now doing is every time I am battling doubt, fear, unbelief, as I try to make some big decisions, I question what is at the root of it all. Is it an issue of what I can do, or an issue of my estimation of God's ability and His will or intention towards me? Am I dragging my feet when it comes to trusting Him or am I refusing to trust? Cause where I fall and stagger, He is merciful. But where I stand and fold my arms across my chest in stubborn refusal to believe or even try, He is not pleased. He is not running towards me- because I am not running towards Him.

So never mind the actual decisions I need to make. I gotta get down to the nitty gritty root of my decision-making system. It beeps a red alert when Doubt rises and Skepticism grows. And I've got to pay attention to how I decide, not the where and the when. Because the question of Faith (do I operate by it?) is the question that's answered by how we're living right now.

The Big D

Can I just say one thing-only one- about the show, The Bachelorette, which was on last night? I promise that I'll get back to more serious, noble pursuits and not discuss any more such trite and foolish things as how a woman chooses a future mate, how she sifts through the personal information these men present to her, how she discerns who is really there for her and who is using this moment of fame to further their fortunes. NOT!

This IS serious stuff. This is not fluff. I know, I know- it's a T.V. show. It's a reality show. It's produced and edited and reformatted to entice viewers and to sell advertising and all that. But I'm talking about the main verb here of what Jillian is doing in this show: she is deciding.

There is nothing frivolous about decision-making. How you decide on something is how you either live, thrive, suffer, survive. Decision making is Key. Good Decision making ability is a key to a successful, fruitful, prosperous life. Read the book of Proverbs and you'll see it's all about the wisdom and foolishness of man's decision making.

HOW you choose something (or someone) and WHY you choose something (or someone) says a lot about you. I belabor this point a lot, I know. And it's because I look back at my own life and see that the majority of painful times I went through had to do with not only the decisions I made, but more importantly, the liberty I felt- or constraint- in making those decisions.

If there's anything I want for my teenage daughter, it's wisdom and the ability to choose wisely. Even when it comes to Faith, and understanding God's love for us, you have to choose your response to God's Love: will you accept it? Will you decide it's real and that you can believe it and rely on it?

"Choose you this day..." and the choices are many each day we live. Forget Reality TV for a moment. Forget the foolish drama that is played up on these shows. The real drama of life is already occurring every time we decide what we will do, what we believe, who we trust. I'm just glad that the Who I Trust Decision was settled along time ago.

Forward, March!

I'm famous! At least I was for a moment. Well, only if you happened to be watching our local news, and only if you watched it at approximately 5:15pm yesterday. For one moment, there I was, in living color: me, the introvert, on T.V.

I had gone to a local career fair, yesterday, and there was a TV news crew filming the participants. I kept trying to step out of sight of the camera, but somehow, when I wasn't looking, they zoomed in on me, smiling, shaking hands with a Human Resource Rep, and looking very intent on what the person was saying to me.

I was intent on our conversation. This meant more to me than being on T.V. because what does a moment of fame get you? Nothing, really. (Especially since my family and my best friend didn't even get to see me on T.V.). But a new job, a new career,...now, that will get you somewhere!

I'm one of those people who know what I love doing, but don't exactly know the name of the job I should have. I could probably enjoy a number of different types of jobs, and I have, over the years, done a number of interesting things. So, it's been a little hard, over the years, getting on a career track and staying on track.

My bigger goal has been to stay on track spiritually and emotionally and to have a healthy mind. What can you do, for a job, if you are crippled in your thinking, hampered by debilitating fears, held back by self sabotaging behaviorial patterns? Not much.

I'm never going to stop writing and speaking and teaching, when the situation calls for it. But I have been seriously considering going back to school and getting my Masters Degree in Counseling. It's funny how we use the term "going back to school" as if this is a step backwards.

I probably have missed many steps forward precisely because of this: that they seemed like they were a step backwards rather than a step forward. Onward Ho! Forward, March! These are all the expressions that need to be in the vocabulary and mindset of anyone who wants to make significant progress in their life. There'll be many opportunities to advance- but they're often disguised as something else. And this is where I ask the Lord for a clear mind, a discerning spirit, and tons of courage to take the next step forward, no matter what that looks like.

Oh, That Smells Good!!

Sometimes in trying to fix a problem, you create another one. It happens all the time, in high and low places. Or in the case of our house, which is situated rather high on a hill, the problem occurred in the lower level of our housel.

I'm remembering this problem because yesterday we had another showing on the house. I was careful to clean and neaten up the house but at the same time, not create the problem that I did when we first listed the house.

We were having a Broker's Open House and I was getting the house ready for what would be a real hard nosed critique by these savvy brokers who were coming. I thought I did everything right, until the written critique came in a couple days later. There were some glowing comments about our house having a lovely "alpine setting" and some other nice comments. But there were two comments that referenced something similar to Marcellus' comment: "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark".

I had vacuumed the carpets with a borrowed vacuum cleaner (ours was broken) that had not had the filter changed in a while. A long while. There was a dank musty odor left over after the vacuuming that I had not really detected in my frenzy to get the house ready. Here I had freshly vacuumed carpets (yeah!) but a nasty musty odor at the same time (oh no!).

This seems to happen a lot in life. You try to do something good but you sometimes cause a problem in the process. I think God has a lot of compassion for us when this happens. In fact, I would venture to say God has more compassion and grace for us, when this happens, than we do for ourselves.

But I think one thing God is not too compassionate about is when we deliberately disobey, or faithlessly want to retreat or return to old addictions, old problems and patterns of the past. And I think God has to be very firm with us when this happens. He has to thunder at us, in warning, when we want to sabotage our progress.

When the Israelites were in the desert, they really got God's dander up when they complained of His lack of provision and referenced that they, at least, had some food back in Egypt. God rains down a new type of food, called Manna, and He gives them the provision they had complained He doesn't give. But he does test them, as well. (It's for God to test us, not for us to ever test God).

He tells them, through Moses, not to gather more than what they need for that day. In other words, every day now, they were going to have to believe and trust and have faith that He would rain down the manna. And some did not want to trust Him. Some did not want to have faith that He would provide. So they gathered extra manna to hoard it for another day. "And it bred worms and it stank".

This odor of unbelief is a lot different than the bad smell of a botched up plan to do something good. I try to comfort myself with this revelation every time I start to do something good and wind up failing at it or fumbling around. Maybe I could even look at my botched up progress as something that still smells like a beautiful fragrance to God. God loves it when His children step out in faith- even if they later fall and skin their knees.

But if I do something out of fear, out of unbelief, out of a deliberate refusal to trust what God has already proven Himself faithful in doing and providing, over and over- then I not only disappoint God, I also have a musty odor. To Him. It could be that sometimes God sighs and says, "Something is rotten in the state of Lauren's mind- because she doesn't trust me". Ouch! I don't want that said of me either. (I know, I also said in one of my recent posts that I don't want it said of me that I'm so heavenly minded, I'm no earthly good. So now I'm accumulating things I don't want said of me!)

Some of you might be saying, "Lauren, just go out and buy a new vacuum cleaner and you won't go into these ruminations!". But just for the record, my broken vacuum cleaner was a brand new one that I just bought! Not new enough to be under warranty and return it, but new enough that it made me mad it wasn't working already.

Still, after cleaning out the filter and the bag of the borrowed vacuum cleaner, it still has a bit of a musty odor. I need a brand new vacuum cleaner. (I might get that one with the ball that easily glides around corners. How's that for how advertising gets you!). Whatever I get, I not only need a new vacuum cleaner, but I need new faith for each day. It's a gutsy faith- not the kind with a serene smile and a passive stance.

Because while my house had a momentary problem with this, I don't want any unbelieving stench coming from me. I want God to not only see me approaching Him, but to smell me a mile away! He'll take a whiff of my operative faith and instead of scrunching up His nose in displeasure, He'll smile at the fragrant aroma of my fresh Fiery Faith.

Quote for the Week

"The word progress comes from the Latin progredi, which means 'to step forward'. Life is not about being perfect; it's about having the courage to move forward one step at a time."

-Noah St. John, Author

Signs of Spring

Today is Friday the thirteenth and its a fabulous day. Forget superstitions and stuff like that. Blessings are much more agreeable to the soul and there are plenty of blessings to be found... everywhere.

I can't tell you how much I am anticipating Spring. Almost everything about this past winter was long and dark and draining. It's not just the Economy and depressing daily news and the cold and the ice. It's all that combined together and then the lack of fun, fellowship, silly times, light hearted times. You need all of that too. At least I do.

And for some reason it seems easier to laugh and smile and let little grievances go when the sun is shining down on you and the breezes are light and fragrant. New Yorkers become almost pleasant in the Spring time. We even let the car ahead of us get in line without a fuss...when its sunny and warm.

My brother Mark, the gardener, is definitely ready for Spring time- and not because he found the winter long and hard. I mean that he is ready for it as in prepared for it. His little seedlings are already sprouting and the little miniature lemon tree he has is already sprouting the beginning of a tiny little Meyer lemon.

I wish I had a green thumb. If I could grow green things and make them thrive under my care, I would feel like an Earth Mama. But as it is, I watch all that growing with such awe and reverence. It's in the spring time that I remember that growing things is a gift, an art, a joy, a grace.

I'm going to do my best to make God smile today because I am growing in His grace. I hope He sees me as a little green shoot sprouting up from the rich soil of His love. I don't feel all that strong and I don't think I look like all that promising. But I'm convinced He is the Master Gardener and it's always Spring time with Him. There are always favorable breezes and constant Son shine with Him, and there has never been a better time to spring up and reach out to Him with gratefulness and joy cause you're alive under His watchful care.

Life is a Highway

I wasn't planning on writing so infrequently but things have been busy. And busy is good. I've enjoyed the activity that comes when opportunity comes. And opportunity is sometimes disguised. You can't always tell when a mundane task will turn into something more.

Here's a little verse I've been thinking about lately, and I especially like the CEV version of it:

With all your heart

you must trust the LORD

and not your own judgment.

Always let him lead you,

and he will clear the road

for you to follow. Prov 3:5

Here's to cleared roads ahead!

Just a Thought on a Cold Winter Day

This has been one heck of a winter: brutally cold, icy, stormy, windy, gray. Nobody I'm talking to is living it up in the winter time. What we're doing is surviving, making it through the winter. And I suppose that's okay. Sometimes its good to make it through a season of life and not necessarily love and enjoy the season you're in.

What I do love about right now is that Spring time is just ahead. Buy some yellow flowers at the store and plunk them on your counter and stare at them. Remember the color of Spring. Remember the feel of warm breezes. Or if you're living in a tropical environment, as you're reading this- send us some warm thoughts and lift up some heated prayers on our behalf!

:)

Travel Plans

I drove up to my bank's drive-up teller window and there was Lou, my favorite bank teller. I handed him my deposit forms and asked him how his new year was going so far.

"Ask me again in March and I'll know by then" he answered with a half smile.

It's only 9 days into the New Year and he, perhaps, didn't feel qualified to say how good the year was, so far, because maybe he needed to compare these first nine days to the next months ahead, and then he would know by comparison.

I know all about making a conclusion (or a projection) based on a comparison. That's how we often decide how we are doing. "Well, compared to yesterday, I'm fine" or "Well, compared to last year, this year hasn't been that bad."

I can't compare this start to the New Year to any other years because I don't think I've ever begun a New Year the way I've started this year: decidedly not making any New Year's resolutions of my own, and feeling like God wanted to show me what resolutions He has in mind for me. He has been showing me, day by day.

I joked with the postal clerk at the post office, the other day, about what New Year's Resolutions he made this year.

"I didn't make any- because I always break them. Better not to make them at all, and then I won't feel guilty" he said.

See, that's exactly how I didn't begin this year: with pressure, with guilt, with a sense of let-see-how-this-year-goes-but-I'm-already-not-too-optimistic. No wonder it's been such a good journey so far, like breathing in a lot of good clean air as you make progress at a nice pace. (God sets the pace for you, so there's no need to compare your progress and pace with someone else).

I'm not sure if it's optimism I feel (but I wouldn't discount that), or if it's relief I feel at not having commenced a rigorous regime of New Year's Resolutions Fulfillment. It's more that I feel like I am on a journey and the ticket that I received says that this is a "Good" trip I've signed up for. I clutch the ticket in my hand and keep going.


How's your year going so far?!