I'm still kinda reeling from my phone call last night with a friend who I haven't heard from in a year or so. We became close, years ago, when I was living in her town (see, it was never my town because I had a feeling I was not going to be living there forever).
She and I are nothing alike and yet very much kindred spirits only because I care about family and my relationship with God with the same intensity she does. She called me last night because she was at the end of her rope. I loved how she did not even try to make small talk and try to catch up with me first before she plunged into the details of the agony and the trial she was going through- all because of a child, one of her children. It might as well have been one of mine- that's how I groaned inside over what her daughter was going through.
We talked for a long time. There weren't any answers to be given, or any recognized solutions, except the request I made that she try to talk more with her daughter about what the root of her pain was.
At the root of it all, at the bottom of it all- that's what we have to get to. We have to. Because if we never get down to the deep dark dirt of what we're really reacting to or running from, we don't know anything except that we are flailing and falling and nobody knows why.
I told her I would pray. And I don't mean the kind of prayers that are neat and nice and sweet. I mean the kind of prayers where you are warring, travailing, beseeching God, not letting Him forget for a teeny tiny second that we need His help, that we have to have His help, and that there must be a way for Him to make a way...for her.
Showing posts with label crisis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crisis. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
To That Man in China
This guy is not falling- he was pushed. PUSHED, mind you. At an hour and time in his life when he was debating the merit and value of his soul, his life- and someone pushes him off because he's frustrated and tired of the traffic jams that this suicidal man, standing on a bridge, was causing. This AP Photo tells a lot already, but you can read more about it here.
What's wrong with people that they can't seem to find empathy for someone in trouble- if it means that their own life will be inconvenienced or troubled momentarily?? Have we really come down to this- selfish anger over someone else who we feel is "selfishly" in trouble?
It seems that this is the underlying issue in this extreme case. One man is fed up and tired of those who are not stable and strong and successful. And maybe there's an underlying attitude here that the Pusher, in this story, felt- that if you're going to cause problems in society by not pulling your own weight, then at least fall apart quietly and away from my view and my route so that I am not hindered or inconvenienced by your agony!
Yes, according to Sir Walter Scott, its a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive, but it's a muddy, very deep hole we fall in when second we practise to add to some one's despair! From what I understand of the story, the Pusher guy was first going to try to talk the man down, but then he got fed up with it all, slipped through the police barricade, went up to the man and shook his hand- and then pushed him.
He survived the fall- but will he survive what happened to him? He was already battling mental illness of some kind, but maybe what he was battling was that he saw cruelty and meanness in the world and maybe nobody was agreeing with him. Maybe people made light of the heaviness and depression in his soul. His personal financial crisis was also enough that the man contemplated what no one should ever get to the point of contemplating. But we do. We sometimes get to a place in life where things look so bleak, so dark, so uncertain that we are not only beside ourselves, we are sick of our self, perhaps. And that's a scary place to be- if you have no friend, no dear one, to talk you down from your perilous perch on the top of a bridge.
Last night we got together with a couple I've known for a couple years, and my best friend Mu also, and we had a feast of fellowship. There was no pushing anyone over the edge. There was simply a lot of understanding, of "getting it", of camaraderie, of intuitive listening and a lot of nodding of head in agreement. We've experience some tough times, each of us, and we understood what the other was sharing.
I haven't felt that wealthy in a long time. You are rich when you have dear loving friends, when you have people who " get you", who know you, who see your value and your heart. You are not alone- when you are known.
I wish I could get a message to the man who was pushed from the bridge. I'd tell him that what happened to him was horrible beyond belief. But I'd also tell him that I'm so sorry that he got to the point in his life that he was so despairing of life and found himself on that bridge. I'd tell him that many times, many people have gotten to crisis points in their life, and we've all been on a type of bridge, at some point in our life.
The Apostle Paul, himself, had battled despair. At one point, Paul stated that “we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of our life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9).
But did you see that little tiny word in the above passage? Did you note that he said "we were burdened beyond measure"? There's nothing worse than being burdened and alone. But if we can go through tough times and crisis points with the arm of fellow comrade or friend around our shoulders, how blessed we are- even if we are blessed and burdened at the same time.
I'm so sorry, dear sir in South China, that you were burdened beyond belief. But I'm even more sorry that you felt so alone. I hope you feel the love and the prayers of those of us who have decided you shall not be alone anymore. We bathe you in our prayers. We uphold you with loving support, and we tell God- help this man, please. Overwhelm him not with trouble, but with your love. Let him know he is not alone.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Thank You for the Present
Dear Bill, Alex, Abby- and of course, Harry- and all the rest of you precious ones,
Thank you for a most interesting and precious Mother's Day. The fact that we were all together- at home, at the hospital emergency room, back at home again- well, that's what made the day so valuable, even if it was stressful at times.
Of course we started the day right, didn't we? I made the best french toast ever- even if I almost burned the bacon. But that was right after you told me, Alex, that you didn't feel well and wanted to see the doctor. Then I knew you were really sick. So we ate our breakfast and hurried off to the doctor appointment I made. Thank God, literally, that our pediatrician's office was on call this weekend. And that they're only a two minute trip away by car. And that they know you and your history of asthma and pneumonia, and that they take such good care of you always. Thank God.
And of course when they told us we needed to take you to the emergency room, thank God they called ahead and requested that you be seen immediately upon entering the Emergency room. We had packed a bag of snacks and water bottles because we thought it might be a long day at the emergency room. Dad packed the snacks because he thought ahead. he always does. And Abby was organized and efficient as ever- like a second junior mother. I told her she'd be a great nurse, while we were waiting for the doctor's assessment of Alex's breathing, but that I didn't want her to be a nurse because the job was so hard and stressful and grueling. She assured me she didn't want to be a nurse either- but then we thanked God for those people who did. Thank God for nurses.
The X-ray showed Alex did have pneumonia- and I thought it would be the case. Mother's intuition. I felt relieved that antibiotics would soon be doing their incredible work in your body and that you'd respond to them and start to improve. The breathing treatments and steroids had already worked their wonder on you, Alex, and I suddenly remembered that I should remember to breathe. I hold my breath a lot, unconsciously, when I'm stressed out. Abby patted my hand a lot while we were at the emergency room- but we also laughed together over the funny and often sarcastic comments that you often make, Alex. We knew you'd be okay because you had enough strength to be your witty wonderful self- even if you do like to push the envelope and my hot buttons all at the same time.
When we got home, Harry was there, waiting for us, all placid and calm. I felt like a wreck- especially after I got all the prescriptions filled at the nearby pharmacist. Thank God for pharmacists. I talked with our doctor by phone to decide which medicines Alex needed more of and assured her we would call again in the morning and come in to have them check on Alex again.
So we did what we always do if we're feeling happy to be together as a family, and hungry as well- we made homemade pizza. Probably the best pizzas we ever made. Or was it because everyone ( but me) ate them so gratefully and hungrily- and with relief. I ate with relief, at least; the little I could eat. I was just glad we were all well- or at least on our way to being well.
Bill folded laundry- because Alex had only come home the night before (he came home sick, exhausted, and with a ton of dirty laundry), and already my husband found a way to accomplish several loads of wash during the stressful day we just had. So Bill folded laundry and I collapsed on the bed.Abby gave me a foot rub. Then I coaxed Alex to lie down and relax and he finally gave in and collapsed on the bed next to me. Harry jumped up on the bed and joined us. And we were one happy family. I felt such bliss- cause we made it through the day and even had some fun delicious moments interspersed through the day.
So what if I spent my Mother's Day at the doctor's office and then Emergency room and then finally back at home. We spent it together.My kids are with me. I had incredible help and support from all kinds of wonderful people throughout the day.
You might just say that it was probably the best Mother's Day I've ever had. Cause all throughout the day I was so aware of how so many people do so much to help so many. Mothers need these kind of people in their lives. Every one needs helpful people in their life. And they are out there.
So thank you, everyone who touched our life yesterday; thank you for the best present I could have on Mother's Day. You all helped me survive as a mother- and more than that, I triumphed. Cause love conquers all. And there was a lot of love yesterday. An awful lot of love.
Thank you for a most interesting and precious Mother's Day. The fact that we were all together- at home, at the hospital emergency room, back at home again- well, that's what made the day so valuable, even if it was stressful at times.
Of course we started the day right, didn't we? I made the best french toast ever- even if I almost burned the bacon. But that was right after you told me, Alex, that you didn't feel well and wanted to see the doctor. Then I knew you were really sick. So we ate our breakfast and hurried off to the doctor appointment I made. Thank God, literally, that our pediatrician's office was on call this weekend. And that they're only a two minute trip away by car. And that they know you and your history of asthma and pneumonia, and that they take such good care of you always. Thank God.
And of course when they told us we needed to take you to the emergency room, thank God they called ahead and requested that you be seen immediately upon entering the Emergency room. We had packed a bag of snacks and water bottles because we thought it might be a long day at the emergency room. Dad packed the snacks because he thought ahead. he always does. And Abby was organized and efficient as ever- like a second junior mother. I told her she'd be a great nurse, while we were waiting for the doctor's assessment of Alex's breathing, but that I didn't want her to be a nurse because the job was so hard and stressful and grueling. She assured me she didn't want to be a nurse either- but then we thanked God for those people who did. Thank God for nurses.
The X-ray showed Alex did have pneumonia- and I thought it would be the case. Mother's intuition. I felt relieved that antibiotics would soon be doing their incredible work in your body and that you'd respond to them and start to improve. The breathing treatments and steroids had already worked their wonder on you, Alex, and I suddenly remembered that I should remember to breathe. I hold my breath a lot, unconsciously, when I'm stressed out. Abby patted my hand a lot while we were at the emergency room- but we also laughed together over the funny and often sarcastic comments that you often make, Alex. We knew you'd be okay because you had enough strength to be your witty wonderful self- even if you do like to push the envelope and my hot buttons all at the same time.
When we got home, Harry was there, waiting for us, all placid and calm. I felt like a wreck- especially after I got all the prescriptions filled at the nearby pharmacist. Thank God for pharmacists. I talked with our doctor by phone to decide which medicines Alex needed more of and assured her we would call again in the morning and come in to have them check on Alex again.
So we did what we always do if we're feeling happy to be together as a family, and hungry as well- we made homemade pizza. Probably the best pizzas we ever made. Or was it because everyone ( but me) ate them so gratefully and hungrily- and with relief. I ate with relief, at least; the little I could eat. I was just glad we were all well- or at least on our way to being well.
Bill folded laundry- because Alex had only come home the night before (he came home sick, exhausted, and with a ton of dirty laundry), and already my husband found a way to accomplish several loads of wash during the stressful day we just had. So Bill folded laundry and I collapsed on the bed.Abby gave me a foot rub. Then I coaxed Alex to lie down and relax and he finally gave in and collapsed on the bed next to me. Harry jumped up on the bed and joined us. And we were one happy family. I felt such bliss- cause we made it through the day and even had some fun delicious moments interspersed through the day.
So what if I spent my Mother's Day at the doctor's office and then Emergency room and then finally back at home. We spent it together.My kids are with me. I had incredible help and support from all kinds of wonderful people throughout the day.
You might just say that it was probably the best Mother's Day I've ever had. Cause all throughout the day I was so aware of how so many people do so much to help so many. Mothers need these kind of people in their lives. Every one needs helpful people in their life. And they are out there.
So thank you, everyone who touched our life yesterday; thank you for the best present I could have on Mother's Day. You all helped me survive as a mother- and more than that, I triumphed. Cause love conquers all. And there was a lot of love yesterday. An awful lot of love.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Swine Flu and The Things That Matter to You
Education is good, but too much information- which can come through education- might be overwhelming. If you want to be an informed, upstanding good citizen, you should listen to the nightly news. If you want to be sane, sober minded and healthy with peace and perspective, you might not want to listen to the nightly news- at least not listen to it too much. It's a coin toss, really.
Wow, what a ride we are having in this nation. It's been a roller coaster. Between the upheaval in the economy, the drastic downturn in the stock market, the escalating unemployment rate, the horrific housing market, and now the threat of swine flu, we are all asking ourselves if we mistakenly woke up in the middle of a nightmare! And if that is the case, it seems we're trying to find a way to get back to restful sleep so that we can possibly wake up in a better part of this dream. When will things get better? Can they get better?
I'm not a medical expert, and I'm not a financial seer, and I'm not a prominent government leader with power to make some fast concrete changes that would affect the masses, so I may not seem to be anyone you should listen to. And you shouldn't listen to me if I speak from my own insight and human perspective.
But let's just see if we can tap into the great mysterious underground of God's Wisdom and Love and see if we can find something very concrete to stand on here. Nobody is looking for another Kum-by-ya song or some rote prayer or some foolish human proclamation of peace when there is no peace. It seems we're all looking for the most concrete, most grounded thing we can stand on- at least in these times.
This is not what we were looking for years ago. Years ago what we were looking for was an exhilarating ride into greatness or wealth. We were looking for fast trips and luxury and more and more things to satisfy our longing for More. Some of us were looking for career advancement, recognition. Some of us were looking for romance or for Mr. Right- and the T.V. show, The Bachelor, became a great fun way to vicariously help someone find their true love. In years past, rock solid BORING stability was not what we were looking for.
But that's what many of us are looking for now. Peaceful days. A Cook out with true friends and loved ones by our side. A glance at our kids and a sigh of relief that they're all healthy and safe. A look at our bank account and a feeling of peace that there's enough- not much- but enough, enough to pay bills. A job to go to- never mind it being a great job or having a promising future. These are the things that we are finally content with. And we're content with these simple things, now, because we're in scary times. And scary times make people take inventory of what is the most needed in their life.
I think, then, that we might possibly be in the best of possible times- only because we are grounded into reality, called upon to take an account of our life and of what is true and what is necessary and what is loved; only because we are experiencing tremors and rumblings and de-stabilizing events and so we want the most rock solid thing that we can find now. We want Stability. We want Strength. We want Security... and where is it??!
It's Here. HE IS here, I should say. God is with us.
God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
I love how Brenda Waggoner brought up a powerful quote from Oswald Chambers, in her book Fairy Tale Faith: "Oswald Chambers says that if we are to have 'staying power during the alarm moments of life,' we have to be grounded in God's basic truths." We are experiencing the "alarm moments of life." Right now.
Well some of us have been spouting off Bible quotes about God's love for years, some of us have been writing about how God is Powerful and that we should believe in Him, and some of us have been aware that there is a God who created the world and that He supposedly is Able to Keep us From Falling- but now we are going to have to live those beliefs as purposefully and intently as a marathon runner trains and zeros in on that last mile.
We've got to be pit bulls of the Faith, not pampered and spoiled poodles. We've got to laugh in the face of danger, not at any one's misfortune and not because we are insane or foolish- but because when our laughter rings out, by faith, God laughs too. Joy electrifies a troubled situation. Peace permeates the prison and the locked doors split open. People walk out into the sun shine and declare they are not going to be afraid. Not while they know the most amazing truth that God not only will reign and be Strong- but that He will reign in their life and be Strong on their behalf.
Wow, what a ride we are having in this nation. It's been a roller coaster. Between the upheaval in the economy, the drastic downturn in the stock market, the escalating unemployment rate, the horrific housing market, and now the threat of swine flu, we are all asking ourselves if we mistakenly woke up in the middle of a nightmare! And if that is the case, it seems we're trying to find a way to get back to restful sleep so that we can possibly wake up in a better part of this dream. When will things get better? Can they get better?
I'm not a medical expert, and I'm not a financial seer, and I'm not a prominent government leader with power to make some fast concrete changes that would affect the masses, so I may not seem to be anyone you should listen to. And you shouldn't listen to me if I speak from my own insight and human perspective.
But let's just see if we can tap into the great mysterious underground of God's Wisdom and Love and see if we can find something very concrete to stand on here. Nobody is looking for another Kum-by-ya song or some rote prayer or some foolish human proclamation of peace when there is no peace. It seems we're all looking for the most concrete, most grounded thing we can stand on- at least in these times.
This is not what we were looking for years ago. Years ago what we were looking for was an exhilarating ride into greatness or wealth. We were looking for fast trips and luxury and more and more things to satisfy our longing for More. Some of us were looking for career advancement, recognition. Some of us were looking for romance or for Mr. Right- and the T.V. show, The Bachelor, became a great fun way to vicariously help someone find their true love. In years past, rock solid BORING stability was not what we were looking for.
But that's what many of us are looking for now. Peaceful days. A Cook out with true friends and loved ones by our side. A glance at our kids and a sigh of relief that they're all healthy and safe. A look at our bank account and a feeling of peace that there's enough- not much- but enough, enough to pay bills. A job to go to- never mind it being a great job or having a promising future. These are the things that we are finally content with. And we're content with these simple things, now, because we're in scary times. And scary times make people take inventory of what is the most needed in their life.
I think, then, that we might possibly be in the best of possible times- only because we are grounded into reality, called upon to take an account of our life and of what is true and what is necessary and what is loved; only because we are experiencing tremors and rumblings and de-stabilizing events and so we want the most rock solid thing that we can find now. We want Stability. We want Strength. We want Security... and where is it??!
It's Here. HE IS here, I should say. God is with us.
God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.
Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. Psalm 46:1-3
I love how Brenda Waggoner brought up a powerful quote from Oswald Chambers, in her book Fairy Tale Faith: "Oswald Chambers says that if we are to have 'staying power during the alarm moments of life,' we have to be grounded in God's basic truths." We are experiencing the "alarm moments of life." Right now.
Well some of us have been spouting off Bible quotes about God's love for years, some of us have been writing about how God is Powerful and that we should believe in Him, and some of us have been aware that there is a God who created the world and that He supposedly is Able to Keep us From Falling- but now we are going to have to live those beliefs as purposefully and intently as a marathon runner trains and zeros in on that last mile.
We've got to be pit bulls of the Faith, not pampered and spoiled poodles. We've got to laugh in the face of danger, not at any one's misfortune and not because we are insane or foolish- but because when our laughter rings out, by faith, God laughs too. Joy electrifies a troubled situation. Peace permeates the prison and the locked doors split open. People walk out into the sun shine and declare they are not going to be afraid. Not while they know the most amazing truth that God not only will reign and be Strong- but that He will reign in their life and be Strong on their behalf.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Opening the Treasure Chest of Wisdom
I'm having the time of my life, lately. That it coincides with Spring, warm weather and sunshine (we're going to hit the high 70's today!! woo-hoo!!) just adds icing to the cake. A lot of this joy I'm feeling has come from my perspective changing on things, and my perspective has changed because of who I'm talking to and what I'm reading.
Let me tell you- I am one wealthy person! Well, at least when it comes to access to books and ideas. I have a great huge public library (well, I don't have it as in own it, but I might as well own it with the way I have complete access to all the benefits of it and none of the responsibilities that go with ownership except that of returning my books on time). This library is literally within a couple miles of my house, and I practically salivate at the thought of going to it- which happens to be at a rate of 3-4 times a week, usually.
I'm a book hog- and I don't make any apologies. Now my daughter has joined the rank of Book Hogs United and we both plan our trips to the library and what we're picking up when we get there as if we were miners talking about a pending gold strike.
I'm about to update my reading list (side column) but for now, let me say that I'm reading 3-4 books at the same time and I don't want to get through these too fast. I don't want the journey to end too quickly.
Here's a brief nugget of wisdom that came to me today after reading just a bit in two of the books. You might say that I'm coming up with a few enlightened conclusions of my own after compiling the honesty and wisdom and truth and perspective that I get out of these books: I am a person who has battled through some trials, but I never realized that in battling so long and so hard, that I might get to the point where I might not be able to just relax and enjoy Times of Refreshing- if they came.
And they have come- these times of refreshing, this season of coming out of the trench and realizing that its not all about battles and challenges. Sometimes its about laughing and living and loving and lightening up. Seriously- I need to be a bit more frivolous and light hearted and....dare I say...irresponsible. I only say that because I know myself- and for me, leaning towards irresponsibility, instead of tightly clenched and stoic responsibility, is a good thing. Its needed. It's high time. Enough of adversity. It's time for....Hmmmm. Time for something else.
If God uses adversity and trials to polish us and purify our hearts, then what is the opposite of adversity and what does this Opposite accomplish in our lives? I think the opposite of Adversity is Prosperity- and in this time of political and economic unease and despair, even- how the heck do I think I should be feeling prosperous, much less actually be prosperous?
Well, I'll get to that. For now I just want to tell you, my readers, that I feel like a kid in the candy shop. I'm finding out that God hides joy under heavy boulders. That there are surprises- good surprises- ahead of me, and not just calamity, catastrophe, and cautious times.
I want to tell you about one excellent book, in particular, that I'm reading- but I'll be writing a thorough review of that in a couple more days. For now, you might say I'm a walking review of it. See me grinning ear to ear and my shoulders relaxed and my eyes sparkling and reflecting a zest for life again. It's not always uphill.
And by the way, nothing big or significant has happened in my life these past couple days. I didn't inherit a million. I didn't win a trip to Bermuda (but I 'd like to!). I just dove into some great reading, opened my heart, felt God touch me through these authors- through what they were saying, and what I was then saying to God- and now I'm just walking with a lighter step and a sunnier outlook.
You might say I feel like a prosperous woman. And that's probably the first step to prosperity after all.
Let me tell you- I am one wealthy person! Well, at least when it comes to access to books and ideas. I have a great huge public library (well, I don't have it as in own it, but I might as well own it with the way I have complete access to all the benefits of it and none of the responsibilities that go with ownership except that of returning my books on time). This library is literally within a couple miles of my house, and I practically salivate at the thought of going to it- which happens to be at a rate of 3-4 times a week, usually.
I'm a book hog- and I don't make any apologies. Now my daughter has joined the rank of Book Hogs United and we both plan our trips to the library and what we're picking up when we get there as if we were miners talking about a pending gold strike.
I'm about to update my reading list (side column) but for now, let me say that I'm reading 3-4 books at the same time and I don't want to get through these too fast. I don't want the journey to end too quickly.
Here's a brief nugget of wisdom that came to me today after reading just a bit in two of the books. You might say that I'm coming up with a few enlightened conclusions of my own after compiling the honesty and wisdom and truth and perspective that I get out of these books: I am a person who has battled through some trials, but I never realized that in battling so long and so hard, that I might get to the point where I might not be able to just relax and enjoy Times of Refreshing- if they came.
And they have come- these times of refreshing, this season of coming out of the trench and realizing that its not all about battles and challenges. Sometimes its about laughing and living and loving and lightening up. Seriously- I need to be a bit more frivolous and light hearted and....dare I say...irresponsible. I only say that because I know myself- and for me, leaning towards irresponsibility, instead of tightly clenched and stoic responsibility, is a good thing. Its needed. It's high time. Enough of adversity. It's time for....Hmmmm. Time for something else.
If God uses adversity and trials to polish us and purify our hearts, then what is the opposite of adversity and what does this Opposite accomplish in our lives? I think the opposite of Adversity is Prosperity- and in this time of political and economic unease and despair, even- how the heck do I think I should be feeling prosperous, much less actually be prosperous?
Well, I'll get to that. For now I just want to tell you, my readers, that I feel like a kid in the candy shop. I'm finding out that God hides joy under heavy boulders. That there are surprises- good surprises- ahead of me, and not just calamity, catastrophe, and cautious times.
I want to tell you about one excellent book, in particular, that I'm reading- but I'll be writing a thorough review of that in a couple more days. For now, you might say I'm a walking review of it. See me grinning ear to ear and my shoulders relaxed and my eyes sparkling and reflecting a zest for life again. It's not always uphill.
And by the way, nothing big or significant has happened in my life these past couple days. I didn't inherit a million. I didn't win a trip to Bermuda (but I 'd like to!). I just dove into some great reading, opened my heart, felt God touch me through these authors- through what they were saying, and what I was then saying to God- and now I'm just walking with a lighter step and a sunnier outlook.
You might say I feel like a prosperous woman. And that's probably the first step to prosperity after all.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Stale Marshmallow Bunnies and New Thoughts on Grace
The marshmallow bunnies are all on clearance and there's rainbow colored jelly beans everywhere you look. Easter is over. We're in the midst of Spring. This should be a bright sunny season of our life. But just because its Spring and just because Christ rose from the dead and we can, potentially, have a life of victory and overcoming power, doesn't mean we do. Well, we do- and we don't. It's that already-but-not-yet syndrome of the Christian life that we're always wrestling with.
Just because I celebrated Christ's resurrection on Sunday, doesn't mean that I live a life of new thoughts, new hopes and new dreams. I don't. A lot of old stuff creeps into my life and I deal with moldy thoughts and decaying dreams. I sort through a lot of stuff, mentally, and am always trying to figure out what is outdated, what is lost or futile, and what is locked in lack of grace. I should probably be concentrating on more on where the grace is, where the light is- but its human nature to mourn and regret and look back.
I'm reading Jon Katz's latest book and its beautiful and sweet and troubling. He had a troubled childhood. He loves animals. He's a gifted writer. So what results from that combination is a story about his life on a farm with his animals and the underlying feelings and memories we have when we're stroking the top of our dog's head, or feeling soothed by their weight as they lean against us, sighing with contentment. We're comforted by our animal companions, but we're sometimes enjoying their companionship while feeling alone at the same time because these pets know nothing of the weight of pressures and responsibilities we face.
My dog, Harry, is usually contented and at rest. He lives to be near me- and if I'm not available, he'll take my husband or kids as second choice. He mourned my son's absence for a while- when he went off to college- but now Harry has adjusted to the changes in our household.
That's the key thing- isn't it?- adjusting to the changes that take place in our life, however small or large they may be. Seems to me that those who are agile and quick to adjust to change do better than those of us who wrestle with why the change is occurring instead of getting with the reality that Change has occurred.
If you're going through a trial or challenge right now, a dog's warm furry body pressed against you as you stare vacantly out a window might comfort you some. But it can't take away the feeling of weight or worry. And meditating on the power God has to raise the dead can help you lift your eyes and ask Him for help- but it can't take away the scenario you face. You're going to walk through the valley of the shadow of death: maybe death of a dream or a hope you had, maybe death of innocence or naivete, or maybe its the death of a plan you had to get you someplace- any place but where you are.
I take comfort in the fact that for everyone who heard the news of Christ's resurrection, there was disbelief, a sense of incredulity, doubt even, and denial. How can it be? How can LIFE occur when all is lost, gone, or without breath? How can I think it's not over when I was told it's all over?
God likes to rattle our cages. He loves to cheer up the downtrodden. And He especially likes to prove me wrong when I tell Him I'm too weary to get excited about anything because life is too uphill.
That's when God turns the tables, turns my world upside down, and makes me go flying deliriously downhill like a skier shooting down the mountain- only now its not a terrifying trip but a coasting down over the very mountains that I had just been trying to climb. God decides when you can't take anymore- and He's a very good judge of our actual abilities to cope.
And when we feel like we're at the edge of what we can stand, He has an experience in mind that changes what we think about ourselves, our God, our trial, our life. It's an experience of grace. And it will be there when you need it most.
Just because I celebrated Christ's resurrection on Sunday, doesn't mean that I live a life of new thoughts, new hopes and new dreams. I don't. A lot of old stuff creeps into my life and I deal with moldy thoughts and decaying dreams. I sort through a lot of stuff, mentally, and am always trying to figure out what is outdated, what is lost or futile, and what is locked in lack of grace. I should probably be concentrating on more on where the grace is, where the light is- but its human nature to mourn and regret and look back.
I'm reading Jon Katz's latest book and its beautiful and sweet and troubling. He had a troubled childhood. He loves animals. He's a gifted writer. So what results from that combination is a story about his life on a farm with his animals and the underlying feelings and memories we have when we're stroking the top of our dog's head, or feeling soothed by their weight as they lean against us, sighing with contentment. We're comforted by our animal companions, but we're sometimes enjoying their companionship while feeling alone at the same time because these pets know nothing of the weight of pressures and responsibilities we face.
My dog, Harry, is usually contented and at rest. He lives to be near me- and if I'm not available, he'll take my husband or kids as second choice. He mourned my son's absence for a while- when he went off to college- but now Harry has adjusted to the changes in our household.
That's the key thing- isn't it?- adjusting to the changes that take place in our life, however small or large they may be. Seems to me that those who are agile and quick to adjust to change do better than those of us who wrestle with why the change is occurring instead of getting with the reality that Change has occurred.
If you're going through a trial or challenge right now, a dog's warm furry body pressed against you as you stare vacantly out a window might comfort you some. But it can't take away the feeling of weight or worry. And meditating on the power God has to raise the dead can help you lift your eyes and ask Him for help- but it can't take away the scenario you face. You're going to walk through the valley of the shadow of death: maybe death of a dream or a hope you had, maybe death of innocence or naivete, or maybe its the death of a plan you had to get you someplace- any place but where you are.
I take comfort in the fact that for everyone who heard the news of Christ's resurrection, there was disbelief, a sense of incredulity, doubt even, and denial. How can it be? How can LIFE occur when all is lost, gone, or without breath? How can I think it's not over when I was told it's all over?
God likes to rattle our cages. He loves to cheer up the downtrodden. And He especially likes to prove me wrong when I tell Him I'm too weary to get excited about anything because life is too uphill.
That's when God turns the tables, turns my world upside down, and makes me go flying deliriously downhill like a skier shooting down the mountain- only now its not a terrifying trip but a coasting down over the very mountains that I had just been trying to climb. God decides when you can't take anymore- and He's a very good judge of our actual abilities to cope.
And when we feel like we're at the edge of what we can stand, He has an experience in mind that changes what we think about ourselves, our God, our trial, our life. It's an experience of grace. And it will be there when you need it most.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Harry's Close Call
Harry is lying on the floor, stretched out, sound asleep, exhausted. He had a close call this morning. A very close call. We were supposed to slip him in to the Groomers at 7am for what they call an express grooming. This way he would be in and out in less than 2 hours, and he wouldn't be upset or agitated, supposedly.
But we got to the groomers at 7am and she wasn't there. Harry was yanking at the leash, panting, having accidents on the floor, frantic to get out of there as soon as we got there. And lucky for him, the groomer called in sick.
So we came right home and Harry is out for the count. He will probably sleep all day, that's how relieved and exhausted he is from the sheer terror of an almost-appointment at the Groomers. Never mind that I had prayed over him all day yesterday. Never mind that I talked to him in my most soothing voice and tried to convey that his appointment with a very light and momentary affliction would be for a moment but that the benefits of a shampooing, clipping, cleaning, shaving (etc) would be for a ...well, not a lifetime, certainly, but at least it would last for a couple months before the agony would have to take place again.
The things we have to go through...and go through....again and again. Not that every trial is supposed to be cyclical. I'm convinced that I go through some trials too many times, and that if I could learn my lesson- or at least learn what I'm doing wrong or what I'm failing to do- maybe I wouldn't have to go through some of the trials I go through so often.
Then again, there are some trials that are very much part of life and part of growing and part of learning. Some trials you cannot avoid. Some trials you can. And this is where many of us ponder and reflect on what we're experiencing: is this an unavoidable lesson in life I had to learn or is this an agonizing trial I'm going through because I made a stupid mistake or I took a wrong turn and now I am going down a bumpy road and hating this agonizing experience?
I wonder if Harry looks at me with those soulful eyes of his and questions why I would torture him at the groomers every three to four months. (It should be every 2 months but you see, there I am, trying to help him avoid the trial). I'm not trying to make him go through a trial. I'm trying to help him stay clean and free of ear infections and painful matting. But he might think I'm just trying to make him go through a painful trial. I'm not- but there seems to be no other way to get him to this improved healthy state of post-grooming other than to go through the grooming experience- the trial that it is- to get to the results of the grooming.
I don't think God is big on trials. I don't think it's His modus operandi for all our growth and learning. But trials seem to be the route we often have to take to get to the results God has in mind for us. Trials come. We go through them. We kick and scream or cry or agonize. But God is not singing a happy tune the whole time, relishing our pain. He may just be singing a calming soothing tune, like I do to Harry, to help us as we go through the trial.
Let's get to the other side of this trial, shall we?- the Lord says. He is not going to leave us as orphans in a storm. He is not going to enjoy watching us agonize or struggle. He's not a Sadist. He is the Lord of the Harvest. He has fruit in mind. Beautiful fruit. Wonderful outcomes. Lasting joy. And I've got to keep that in mind...especially in the midst of any trial.
But we got to the groomers at 7am and she wasn't there. Harry was yanking at the leash, panting, having accidents on the floor, frantic to get out of there as soon as we got there. And lucky for him, the groomer called in sick.
So we came right home and Harry is out for the count. He will probably sleep all day, that's how relieved and exhausted he is from the sheer terror of an almost-appointment at the Groomers. Never mind that I had prayed over him all day yesterday. Never mind that I talked to him in my most soothing voice and tried to convey that his appointment with a very light and momentary affliction would be for a moment but that the benefits of a shampooing, clipping, cleaning, shaving (etc) would be for a ...well, not a lifetime, certainly, but at least it would last for a couple months before the agony would have to take place again.
The things we have to go through...and go through....again and again. Not that every trial is supposed to be cyclical. I'm convinced that I go through some trials too many times, and that if I could learn my lesson- or at least learn what I'm doing wrong or what I'm failing to do- maybe I wouldn't have to go through some of the trials I go through so often.
Then again, there are some trials that are very much part of life and part of growing and part of learning. Some trials you cannot avoid. Some trials you can. And this is where many of us ponder and reflect on what we're experiencing: is this an unavoidable lesson in life I had to learn or is this an agonizing trial I'm going through because I made a stupid mistake or I took a wrong turn and now I am going down a bumpy road and hating this agonizing experience?
I wonder if Harry looks at me with those soulful eyes of his and questions why I would torture him at the groomers every three to four months. (It should be every 2 months but you see, there I am, trying to help him avoid the trial). I'm not trying to make him go through a trial. I'm trying to help him stay clean and free of ear infections and painful matting. But he might think I'm just trying to make him go through a painful trial. I'm not- but there seems to be no other way to get him to this improved healthy state of post-grooming other than to go through the grooming experience- the trial that it is- to get to the results of the grooming.
I don't think God is big on trials. I don't think it's His modus operandi for all our growth and learning. But trials seem to be the route we often have to take to get to the results God has in mind for us. Trials come. We go through them. We kick and scream or cry or agonize. But God is not singing a happy tune the whole time, relishing our pain. He may just be singing a calming soothing tune, like I do to Harry, to help us as we go through the trial.
Let's get to the other side of this trial, shall we?- the Lord says. He is not going to leave us as orphans in a storm. He is not going to enjoy watching us agonize or struggle. He's not a Sadist. He is the Lord of the Harvest. He has fruit in mind. Beautiful fruit. Wonderful outcomes. Lasting joy. And I've got to keep that in mind...especially in the midst of any trial.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Tough Times and Tenacious People
Yesterday at church there was a lady behind me warbling sweetly as we sang an old hymn that made me think of my Nana. My Nana could really sing. I remember her belting out that hymn through rosy lipsticked lips- the lower lip bearing a black mark from biting down on it all the time in worry.
She worried a lot. And she had her reasons. She had her challenges because of life with a man who had his particular challenges with alcohol. But by the time I was hanging around their house, as a child, my Papa wasn't drinking anymore. But the black mark on Nanas lip was still there.
I thought of all this while we were worshipping. Well, I was trying to worship. But my mind was wondering. I got thinking about the lineage I come from. Women with strong character, big problems, and plenty to deal with. My Mom battles depression. I have battled Fear and Anxiety. And when I say battle, I do mean battle.
Becoming lion-hearted while at the same time becoming a gentle lamb who can be led by God is no easy thing. We have to do our battling while we are staying tender hearted, and I haven't figured out how to do that perfectly yet.
But I have to say that I do feel fit for these times we are in. I think God has made us ready for whatever we face. It's a done deal, in a way- and yet we also ask Him to make us fit for battle, make us stout hearted and unafraid. And He does both. He already made a way for us, and He continues to make a way, blazing through tough uncharted territory- in our eyes- and planting vineyards in the middle of deserts.
Today I'm coloring my hair (it's long overdue) and I'm putting on some bright lipstick. At the same time, I've got my battle gear on. I'm all set for the wonder and the wild time that each day is.
It's good to be alive.
She worried a lot. And she had her reasons. She had her challenges because of life with a man who had his particular challenges with alcohol. But by the time I was hanging around their house, as a child, my Papa wasn't drinking anymore. But the black mark on Nanas lip was still there.
I thought of all this while we were worshipping. Well, I was trying to worship. But my mind was wondering. I got thinking about the lineage I come from. Women with strong character, big problems, and plenty to deal with. My Mom battles depression. I have battled Fear and Anxiety. And when I say battle, I do mean battle.
Becoming lion-hearted while at the same time becoming a gentle lamb who can be led by God is no easy thing. We have to do our battling while we are staying tender hearted, and I haven't figured out how to do that perfectly yet.
But I have to say that I do feel fit for these times we are in. I think God has made us ready for whatever we face. It's a done deal, in a way- and yet we also ask Him to make us fit for battle, make us stout hearted and unafraid. And He does both. He already made a way for us, and He continues to make a way, blazing through tough uncharted territory- in our eyes- and planting vineyards in the middle of deserts.
Today I'm coloring my hair (it's long overdue) and I'm putting on some bright lipstick. At the same time, I've got my battle gear on. I'm all set for the wonder and the wild time that each day is.
It's good to be alive.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Remind Me NOW
My computer is overloaded with files and saved data - a fact that means little to me until it starts to slow down to a crawl and I pound away at the keyboard hoping to get the computer to pick up its speed. My son was supposed to play Techno Doc when he was home Thanksgiving break, but he never get around to fixing my computer.
There's this "thing" on my computer screen that keeps popping up, asking me if I want to do one of three things. I keep clicking on "Remind me later". Every day when it pops up, I just pick the "remind me later" choice. I'm not even sure what its going to remind me to do but I know that I don't want to do it now.
Nike told us it was better to "Just Do it" but they never said why. Well, at least not in a detailed thesis of procastination verses....is there one single word that describes the opposite of procastination?
Anyhow, yesterday I was reminded that there are a number of important things that I do need to be reminded of, and there's no better time to be reminded of these key things than right now. Right now I need to know God's Love in a fresh new way. I mean fresh as in produce that just comes out of the ground, not fresh as in laying on the grocery produce shelves, occasionally being misted with water so that the lettuce still looks green and firm and inviting to the consumer.
There are some age old truths about the Father's love for us that need a reawakening of belief in our souls. Today. Right now. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow there will be enough national crises and bad news that will cause us to need to know His love. But today is where we are at. Today is when we need the power of His love for whatever we are dealing with- internationally, nationally, or for what we are facing right at home.
Two dear women prayed with me, prayed over me, yesterday. They might as well have been dressed in armor, wielding swords, carrying out intricate spiritual battle plans- for the way that they prayed for me. They were intent on seeing me have a new understanding of something. I went to meet with them intent on maybe getting some answers to why I feel so mixed up, off track, far behind in the race. I just wanted answers.
They spiritually saw, instead, a thing that kept popping up, like a flashing sign over my head. I think they felt in their spirit a keen intention that this woman- me- should be reminded now of the Father's love.
Maybe I've been saying "Remind me later, Lord" when God has wanted to love me, because sometimes love seems to be the last thing on your mind. Love doesn't seem to be the answer to an impending Depression the nation is facing. Love doesn't seem to be the answer to career questions and issues of bill paying and debt. So of course if God wants to bring up His love for me, I would be quick to say "Remind me later- cause right now, my system is overloaded, I'm clogged with too much information and not enough answers, and all I want is relief, Lord. Just plain relief."
I'm finding out that when I ask for relief, God gives me love. When I inquire about the economy and issues of finances, God says the answer is a type of love called Provision. When I pray about the national news that overwhems me, God says He wants to love our nation. When I look at the whole wide world all askew, God says "That's why I came to earth". To love us. To show the power of His love. And it is something that, more than ever, we all need to know now.
There's this "thing" on my computer screen that keeps popping up, asking me if I want to do one of three things. I keep clicking on "Remind me later". Every day when it pops up, I just pick the "remind me later" choice. I'm not even sure what its going to remind me to do but I know that I don't want to do it now.
Nike told us it was better to "Just Do it" but they never said why. Well, at least not in a detailed thesis of procastination verses....is there one single word that describes the opposite of procastination?
Anyhow, yesterday I was reminded that there are a number of important things that I do need to be reminded of, and there's no better time to be reminded of these key things than right now. Right now I need to know God's Love in a fresh new way. I mean fresh as in produce that just comes out of the ground, not fresh as in laying on the grocery produce shelves, occasionally being misted with water so that the lettuce still looks green and firm and inviting to the consumer.
There are some age old truths about the Father's love for us that need a reawakening of belief in our souls. Today. Right now. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow there will be enough national crises and bad news that will cause us to need to know His love. But today is where we are at. Today is when we need the power of His love for whatever we are dealing with- internationally, nationally, or for what we are facing right at home.
Two dear women prayed with me, prayed over me, yesterday. They might as well have been dressed in armor, wielding swords, carrying out intricate spiritual battle plans- for the way that they prayed for me. They were intent on seeing me have a new understanding of something. I went to meet with them intent on maybe getting some answers to why I feel so mixed up, off track, far behind in the race. I just wanted answers.
They spiritually saw, instead, a thing that kept popping up, like a flashing sign over my head. I think they felt in their spirit a keen intention that this woman- me- should be reminded now of the Father's love.
Maybe I've been saying "Remind me later, Lord" when God has wanted to love me, because sometimes love seems to be the last thing on your mind. Love doesn't seem to be the answer to an impending Depression the nation is facing. Love doesn't seem to be the answer to career questions and issues of bill paying and debt. So of course if God wants to bring up His love for me, I would be quick to say "Remind me later- cause right now, my system is overloaded, I'm clogged with too much information and not enough answers, and all I want is relief, Lord. Just plain relief."
I'm finding out that when I ask for relief, God gives me love. When I inquire about the economy and issues of finances, God says the answer is a type of love called Provision. When I pray about the national news that overwhems me, God says He wants to love our nation. When I look at the whole wide world all askew, God says "That's why I came to earth". To love us. To show the power of His love. And it is something that, more than ever, we all need to know now.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Vocabulary Lessons Part 2
"What does satiate mean?" Abby asked me yesterday as we began a new unit of vocabulary words. She pronounced it like sat-i-tate and I could tell she did not like the word already. Too hard to pronounce. Too archaic, she thought. I immediately told her that it was one of my favorite words. And then that beautiful verse rushed into my mind and I shared it with her:
"And I will satiate the soul of the priests with fatness, and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness, saith the LORD." Jer.31:14
Nobody's satisfied anymore, it seems. I know I rarely feel satisfied with my life, with my house- flat and boxy as it is. I don't walk around, normally, thinking-Oh, how satisfied I am with life! How rich I feel! No, I usually walk around thinking about the next issue I should deal with, the next bill I need to pay, the next problem on my list.
And of course, right now in our nation's dire economic straits, I would be as silly as a slow turtle crossing a busy highway if I felt satisfied and happy and at ease. But that's not what this verse is talking about. It isn't a horizontal look around us that we are to take, and then an upward look of gratitude. It's the opposite.
I am supposed to take an upward look first and see the Provider whose grace is sufficient for me, and then take a look around me and see how God will affect my life with with His goodness. Then maybe I'll notice the shiny quarter on the ground- like my daughter always does ( I swear she'll be able to fund her way through college with all the money she "finds" in front of her). Then maybe I'll see the love offered to me by those who care about me. Then maybe I'll realize how rich and full my life is in spite of the fact the the headlines tell me I am diminishing and joining in the national depression that's supposedly right around the corner.
There may be bad things right around the corner, but there's God's goodness raining down on me as well. I will be satisfied with His goodness. That's not only my statement of faith. It's also my intention to obey. It's my intention to see it- to perceive what He says is there. Abundance. It's not a word most people will be talking about right now. And that's why it's going to become one of my favorite words.
"And I will satiate the soul of the priests with fatness, and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness, saith the LORD." Jer.31:14
Nobody's satisfied anymore, it seems. I know I rarely feel satisfied with my life, with my house- flat and boxy as it is. I don't walk around, normally, thinking-Oh, how satisfied I am with life! How rich I feel! No, I usually walk around thinking about the next issue I should deal with, the next bill I need to pay, the next problem on my list.
And of course, right now in our nation's dire economic straits, I would be as silly as a slow turtle crossing a busy highway if I felt satisfied and happy and at ease. But that's not what this verse is talking about. It isn't a horizontal look around us that we are to take, and then an upward look of gratitude. It's the opposite.
I am supposed to take an upward look first and see the Provider whose grace is sufficient for me, and then take a look around me and see how God will affect my life with with His goodness. Then maybe I'll notice the shiny quarter on the ground- like my daughter always does ( I swear she'll be able to fund her way through college with all the money she "finds" in front of her). Then maybe I'll see the love offered to me by those who care about me. Then maybe I'll realize how rich and full my life is in spite of the fact the the headlines tell me I am diminishing and joining in the national depression that's supposedly right around the corner.
There may be bad things right around the corner, but there's God's goodness raining down on me as well. I will be satisfied with His goodness. That's not only my statement of faith. It's also my intention to obey. It's my intention to see it- to perceive what He says is there. Abundance. It's not a word most people will be talking about right now. And that's why it's going to become one of my favorite words.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
He Leadeth Me
It often comes down to one word- expectation. What we expect, we look for. What we expect to receive, we get ready to receive: our hands are out, our hands are open, our eyes are raised heavenward.
My expectation, lately, has been that I will get through "this"; "this" referring to the flood of small take-downs that have occurred these last couple months. I got a call from the doctor the other day and he said, "You don't have Mono again; but you do have a very low red blood cell count. I can see why you almost fainted the other day." It was nice to have someone confirm that you are not a wilting violet of your own volition, but rather, sometimes life comes at you hard and you fall down.
"We fall down and we get up, we fall down and we get up; and the saints are just the sinners who fall down...and get up." Yes, that's the song for me, right now. That beautiful chorus is going through my mind- and with that soothing chorus going through my mind I won't let my heart be troubled by the events and disturbances I recently went through.
You see, I had asked God, several months ago, to confirm what direction I should take, where to go and what to do. I thought God was going to answer my request by leading me directly TO the right place, the right setting. But no, God decided to confirm the direction for me to take by confirming where I don't belong, what I should not be concentrating on, what isn't working in my life.
I never requested that God lead me through only positive events- but that's because I just didn't think that leading someone onward and upward would ever necessitate leading them through painful or negative circumstances. I just simply,and maybe naively, asked Him to lead me- and then some surprising encounters happened, some upsetting events occurred, and I was dismayed and surprised and floored by it all. I shouldn't have been. I should have expected that I would wind up quoting what Job said: "But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10).
Why God deems it necessary to refine and try us, I'm not real sure. I do see that something glorious does happen when we are roughed up by upsetting events and difficult circumstances: I see that the troubling events we go through cause us to trust Him MORE. During these difficult times we often see Him more clearly because we are desperately looking for Him. These tough times are, indeed, tinged with His glory, and therefore could even be called glorious- because HE is WITH us, and He has something good in mind when we are tried and refined. He has a glorious outcome in mind.
God is not a Sadist. He takes no pleasure in our suffering. But He does take pleasure in seeing us learn to differentiate good from evil, and in our learning to value His help, value His perspective, and therefore not be dismayed when trouble rocks our boat. Trouble may rock our boat, but He guides the boat.
My boat has been rocking, lately. I've been surprised by difficult times- and my health is the least of the problems. Feeling faint and weak (part of being Anemic) only adds to me feeling needy and ready for God's help.
But feeling expectant that His help is coming- and that even though the going has been rough, that His help has already come- well, that makes me stay in my rocky boat with my hands stretched out, my eyes heavenward, expectant of His whisper of a wind that will nudge my boat onward, safely, to the shore.
My expectation, lately, has been that I will get through "this"; "this" referring to the flood of small take-downs that have occurred these last couple months. I got a call from the doctor the other day and he said, "You don't have Mono again; but you do have a very low red blood cell count. I can see why you almost fainted the other day." It was nice to have someone confirm that you are not a wilting violet of your own volition, but rather, sometimes life comes at you hard and you fall down.
"We fall down and we get up, we fall down and we get up; and the saints are just the sinners who fall down...and get up." Yes, that's the song for me, right now. That beautiful chorus is going through my mind- and with that soothing chorus going through my mind I won't let my heart be troubled by the events and disturbances I recently went through.
You see, I had asked God, several months ago, to confirm what direction I should take, where to go and what to do. I thought God was going to answer my request by leading me directly TO the right place, the right setting. But no, God decided to confirm the direction for me to take by confirming where I don't belong, what I should not be concentrating on, what isn't working in my life.
I never requested that God lead me through only positive events- but that's because I just didn't think that leading someone onward and upward would ever necessitate leading them through painful or negative circumstances. I just simply,and maybe naively, asked Him to lead me- and then some surprising encounters happened, some upsetting events occurred, and I was dismayed and surprised and floored by it all. I shouldn't have been. I should have expected that I would wind up quoting what Job said: "But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10).
Why God deems it necessary to refine and try us, I'm not real sure. I do see that something glorious does happen when we are roughed up by upsetting events and difficult circumstances: I see that the troubling events we go through cause us to trust Him MORE. During these difficult times we often see Him more clearly because we are desperately looking for Him. These tough times are, indeed, tinged with His glory, and therefore could even be called glorious- because HE is WITH us, and He has something good in mind when we are tried and refined. He has a glorious outcome in mind.
God is not a Sadist. He takes no pleasure in our suffering. But He does take pleasure in seeing us learn to differentiate good from evil, and in our learning to value His help, value His perspective, and therefore not be dismayed when trouble rocks our boat. Trouble may rock our boat, but He guides the boat.
My boat has been rocking, lately. I've been surprised by difficult times- and my health is the least of the problems. Feeling faint and weak (part of being Anemic) only adds to me feeling needy and ready for God's help.
But feeling expectant that His help is coming- and that even though the going has been rough, that His help has already come- well, that makes me stay in my rocky boat with my hands stretched out, my eyes heavenward, expectant of His whisper of a wind that will nudge my boat onward, safely, to the shore.
Monday, June 23, 2008
And There Arose a Storm
There's nothing quite so exciting as driving through a major downpour and then hearing on the radio that there is a tornado watch and you are about to drive through the critical danger zone. That was my afternoon yesterday. My daughter and I prayed up a storm as we drove through the storm...and we made it through.
Got home and pulled up to the opened garage door where my husband was waiting for us. We ran into the house and my daughter kept saying, "We've got to get down to the basement! That's the only safe place." But there was no tornado- or at least there wasn't one near us.
What there was, however, was a big tree that decided to come down right in front of our house, crashing onto the road and dragging the power lines down with it. Then everything got semi-dark and quiet. I called in our emergency to 911 because we were worried about the live wires being down on the road and about oncoming traffic who might round the curve and run right into the tree and power lines.
After a while we decided it was best to set the best atmosphere possible. My kids dragged out their guitars, and my son and my husband worked on tuning and stringing Alex's guitar. I read my book, lying on the couch and petting our dog to keep him calm. I was half thankful for the family time the storm brought about, and yet also concerned for the families that had more critical situations due to the storm.
You just never know what the day brings. I guess that's why Jesus told us to not worry about tomorrow for today has enough challenges of its own. But sometimes these challenges- these storms- come in with a roar and go out quietly, leaving behind a contemplative heart that ponders how good it is know the goodness of God in the land of the living. And in the land of the living storms may rage, but there's One who can quiet that storm with just one word..."Peace."
It's a blessing, it's a command, and its a declaration: "Peace!".
Got home and pulled up to the opened garage door where my husband was waiting for us. We ran into the house and my daughter kept saying, "We've got to get down to the basement! That's the only safe place." But there was no tornado- or at least there wasn't one near us.
What there was, however, was a big tree that decided to come down right in front of our house, crashing onto the road and dragging the power lines down with it. Then everything got semi-dark and quiet. I called in our emergency to 911 because we were worried about the live wires being down on the road and about oncoming traffic who might round the curve and run right into the tree and power lines.
After a while we decided it was best to set the best atmosphere possible. My kids dragged out their guitars, and my son and my husband worked on tuning and stringing Alex's guitar. I read my book, lying on the couch and petting our dog to keep him calm. I was half thankful for the family time the storm brought about, and yet also concerned for the families that had more critical situations due to the storm.
You just never know what the day brings. I guess that's why Jesus told us to not worry about tomorrow for today has enough challenges of its own. But sometimes these challenges- these storms- come in with a roar and go out quietly, leaving behind a contemplative heart that ponders how good it is know the goodness of God in the land of the living. And in the land of the living storms may rage, but there's One who can quiet that storm with just one word..."Peace."
It's a blessing, it's a command, and its a declaration: "Peace!".
Monday, December 17, 2007
When You're on an Icy Road
I'm quite discombobulated this morning (and apparently in a British mood as I am using the word "quite"). School was delayed two hours this morning due to snow and ice removal. It didn't mean that much of a slower start for us, other than the fact that Bill and I had our first few sips of coffee in bed this morning, rather than out on the couch where we normally sit. Harry was curled up on the couch, not at our bedroom door where he normally is when Bill first wakes up to make coffee. I swear, that dog can listen to the howling wind and sleeting and decide he will not go out and do his duty in that kind of inclement weather, and so he will sleep in on those mornings. This was one of those mornings.
But after a few sips of coffee, Bill said "Let's move out to the couch. I'm sinking into the hole in this mattress." (Here's a friendly reminder to turn your mattress over and around, every couple months, or you'll wind up with a mattress like ours- low and lumpy on Bill's side, and little to no impression where I sleep).
After a few more sips of coffee and some chit chatting on the couch (after pushing Harry gently off), Bill got going on the day. I woke up the kids, pushed Harry out the door to do his thing, and scurried around the house to get us all back on the clock. I was thinking about everyone's commute and feeling relieved that roads were clear now. But they were terrible last night.
Last night I got a phone call from someone who was driving home to their house, and in the middle of talking to them, I heard a sudden, alarming "oh no!", a thud, and then...nothing. It was not a good sound. My heart thumping in my chest, I frantically made a call to this person's relative to see if they were with them in the car. They weren't. But they heard back from this person, and ten minutes later told me she was okay. She had been hit in the side after swirling around on a patch of ice. She and I talked later. Remarkably, she sounded like this was no big deal. If it had been me, I would have been a mess.
I did have a near death experience on an icy road once. My daughter Abby was with me. This was several winters ago, yet she brought up this experience with me, just the other day.
"Remember when we almost got killed Mom?"she asked me as we were driving into the mall parking lot the other day. I looked sideways to see if trauma and scarring were evident in her expression.
"You remember that experience we had?" I asked her. She must have been about nine or ten at the time, sitting in the back seat of the car as I drove on a major road in our town.
"Yea, I remember. That's when you called out, "Jesus!" and we never got hit by the cars coming at us. That was really cool."
"You weren't afraid when it was happening, when the car was spinning out of control on the ice and the other cars were heading straight for us?"
"Oh no," she said calmly. "I knew we were going to be fine. I had faith. And I heard you pray."
Well, my prayer had been one word- the name of Jesus. It was a plea for His protection all summed up in His name yelled out in a mother's worst nightmare- spinning car out of control, cars heading toward us, cars right behind me. I had cried out His name, closing my eyes, and then the next thing we knew, after spinning in circles, we opened our eyes to see all the cars miraculously stopped around us. No one had hit us. One person got out of their car and said, "Lady, That was a miracle you didn't get hit."
That was a miracle, alright. But it was also a miracle, in my mind, that my daughter was not frightened, terrorized by the near catastrophe we were heading for. She actually saw it as a good experience- one where God showed up, intervened on our behalf, and did what we couldn't do: made it all turn out okay. If she can build on that conviction that God is with her, no matter what, she will be in good shape, faith wise.
I'm thankful for that experience. I was scared, half out of my mind, as it was happening. I still remember that helpless feeling of seeing major trouble heading straight toward me and knowing I could do nothing- except call out His Name.
My daughter saw the situation differently. She saw God moving faster than the cars that were heading toward us; God moving so fast to help us that she was filled with awe and wonder at what He did. He won't always intervene immediately to get us out of trouble. He may walk us through some troubling times.
But our faith should always enlarge so that we can "see" God at work in all the many ways He does reach out- sometimes literally- to show us how much He cares.
But after a few sips of coffee, Bill said "Let's move out to the couch. I'm sinking into the hole in this mattress." (Here's a friendly reminder to turn your mattress over and around, every couple months, or you'll wind up with a mattress like ours- low and lumpy on Bill's side, and little to no impression where I sleep).
After a few more sips of coffee and some chit chatting on the couch (after pushing Harry gently off), Bill got going on the day. I woke up the kids, pushed Harry out the door to do his thing, and scurried around the house to get us all back on the clock. I was thinking about everyone's commute and feeling relieved that roads were clear now. But they were terrible last night.
Last night I got a phone call from someone who was driving home to their house, and in the middle of talking to them, I heard a sudden, alarming "oh no!", a thud, and then...nothing. It was not a good sound. My heart thumping in my chest, I frantically made a call to this person's relative to see if they were with them in the car. They weren't. But they heard back from this person, and ten minutes later told me she was okay. She had been hit in the side after swirling around on a patch of ice. She and I talked later. Remarkably, she sounded like this was no big deal. If it had been me, I would have been a mess.
I did have a near death experience on an icy road once. My daughter Abby was with me. This was several winters ago, yet she brought up this experience with me, just the other day.
"Remember when we almost got killed Mom?"she asked me as we were driving into the mall parking lot the other day. I looked sideways to see if trauma and scarring were evident in her expression.
"You remember that experience we had?" I asked her. She must have been about nine or ten at the time, sitting in the back seat of the car as I drove on a major road in our town.
"Yea, I remember. That's when you called out, "Jesus!" and we never got hit by the cars coming at us. That was really cool."
"You weren't afraid when it was happening, when the car was spinning out of control on the ice and the other cars were heading straight for us?"
"Oh no," she said calmly. "I knew we were going to be fine. I had faith. And I heard you pray."
Well, my prayer had been one word- the name of Jesus. It was a plea for His protection all summed up in His name yelled out in a mother's worst nightmare- spinning car out of control, cars heading toward us, cars right behind me. I had cried out His name, closing my eyes, and then the next thing we knew, after spinning in circles, we opened our eyes to see all the cars miraculously stopped around us. No one had hit us. One person got out of their car and said, "Lady, That was a miracle you didn't get hit."
That was a miracle, alright. But it was also a miracle, in my mind, that my daughter was not frightened, terrorized by the near catastrophe we were heading for. She actually saw it as a good experience- one where God showed up, intervened on our behalf, and did what we couldn't do: made it all turn out okay. If she can build on that conviction that God is with her, no matter what, she will be in good shape, faith wise.
I'm thankful for that experience. I was scared, half out of my mind, as it was happening. I still remember that helpless feeling of seeing major trouble heading straight toward me and knowing I could do nothing- except call out His Name.
My daughter saw the situation differently. She saw God moving faster than the cars that were heading toward us; God moving so fast to help us that she was filled with awe and wonder at what He did. He won't always intervene immediately to get us out of trouble. He may walk us through some troubling times.
But our faith should always enlarge so that we can "see" God at work in all the many ways He does reach out- sometimes literally- to show us how much He cares.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Your Resevoir
My husband, Bill, gave our 17 year old son his main Christmas present early this year. Alex had to help my husband pick it out- it was a bunch of complex computer parts. They're building another computer. Alex knows the ins and outs of a computer like an internist knows the internal organs of the human body.
I, on the other hand, know nothing about how computers work, how to even down load photos. I can't even say "it's all Greek to me" because I actually took Koine (Biblical) Greek in college, and did well with it. But computer parts, computer "anything"- I do not understand at all. I have to get my son to help me with almost every thing I do on my computer- except for the writing. The words, the many words here, are always all mine. (My husband, my son and my best friend Mu wonder where I get all these words from, and I tell them, "Oh, the world within me. You have no idea!")
Sometimes when Bill and Alex are discussing computer components they're buying, I'll feign expertise in the matter and interrupt their conversation with "Yea, I know. My ram is all filled with j.pegs and I have to download my widget to maximize the hard drive so that the mega pixels and the motherboard get along with the peripherals and then the CPU won't be so floppy." Alex will look at me with one eyebrow raised and sigh, "Mom, you're not funny" as though I have insulted the computer world with my gross ignorance and misuse of the technical language.
I have no interest in learning anything about computer components. I just want to turn on my lap top and press the keys and start going. When I run into a problem, I'll yell for my son. He'll come up from his lair, downstairs, and come over to where I'm working. He'll start to tell me all these technical things. I'll put my hands over my ears and close my eyes like a petulant child and yell out, "I'm not listening! I'm not listening!" I am so right brained that if any left brain info gets into my head it may confuse me. I already have memory problems and hearing problems- I don't want my brain to get mixed up anymore than what it is.
But problems, crises and life's challenges, I understand. Not that I understand why they occur, or how they fit into God's plan exactly, or why they have to be so vicious sometimes, but just that they occur.
Last night at the Women's LIFE Workshop I teach at church, our leadership team gathered the women into groups at the mid point ministry time. We broke up into three groups where women could choose what their experience, this Christmas season, was about: Group A was having an Awesome time, and they should celebrate and whoop it up, I told them. Group B was having a Bit of a Battle this Christmas, their stress levels were high, and they needed to talk about it- whether its problems with relatives, stress on the job, trying to deal with a blended family.
Then there was group C. "You're in a crisis," I told them. "There's no other way to describe what you're dealing with. It could be hospitalization of a loved one, the unemployment line you're standing in, or the excruciating sudden loneliness you're facing." We had a lot of women in Group B, some women in Group A who were laughing together, and four women who came over to group C. They could barely talk about what they were going through. One woman said to me, as she began to share, "Now, I know this won't shock you. I can tell you know how it is, how it really is." And she began to share.
I may not understand a thing about computers but I do know about life's challenges. I don't experientially know about every single life problem there is, but I do know that they exist, and that you have no idea how bad it is, sometimes, for some people. What they carry, what they're going through- it can drop your heart into the ground.
I looked at these women in group C and felt such awe and respect for them. How could one bear up under such trials, such circumstances of crisis and constant battle? My first reaction when I hear of such crisis is to gather the troops and pray. Pray! Then my next reaction, after listening to them let it all out, is to hold their hand tightly.
I know they're on a long hard journey. Sometimes I feel a bit mad at God that He would take them on such a hard journey. Take them, or "allow them" - whatever the word, whatever the plan is (Is God causing it? Is He allowing it? Is He ready to mightily intervene?), I'm not happy with the rough terrain that God thinks we can traverse.
But every time I have ever gripped a woman's hand in silent agreement that life is hard and that our faith is about to be given the chance to arise, I remember what I have traveled through. I think of the pockets of despair, the places I have lived (not wanting to remember some of the places), the loneliness, the medical crises, the financial instability and the failures. Failures, as in it didn't work out. Failures as in, you don't look so good right now. But my failures and crises of the past connect me to the women more so than my past seasons of success do.
"...God designed you for the journey of your life...(but)...God designs you by the journey as well" writes Robert A. Schuller in his new book, Walking in Your Own Shoes.
Designed and shaped by what I go through, and prepared for what I will go through- that's all God's doing. My only doing is to keep watch over my internal core temperature, my heart. I learned about this term just the other night when my son's newly built computer was screeching this high pitched beeping sound over and over.
"The internal core temperature is rising, "my husband said to Alex, as they bent their heads over the computer to diagnose what should be done.
Now I would not know what should be done for that computer, just as I don't know what should be done for each person I come into contact with who has a crisis or a big problem to deal with. I know little about the mysterious sovereign plan of God. I only know that He says He will work things together for good.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
Maybe one thing He is doing to work it all together, to weave the pain into the gain, is to utilize everything- every snare and ever tear, every time we were beat up or fed up or gave up- for His purpose. Purpose is almost too big of a word for me to tackle. I just know that it's bigger and higher than what my mind can get around.
"By tomorrow, the life you are living today is going to be part of your past. It is going to be part of that ever-increasing reservoir of experiences and knowledge you will draw on when you step into the future."
How painful our past is varies with each person. But we all have a future. We all have something profoundly amazing that we're about to step into. And that's something that I do understand- that today and tomorrow are before me. The past is not forgotten, but it is behind me. It's behind me as a reservoir that I can draw upon- draw upon not only the good, but more so, the painful trials, that no matter how debilitating, could not hold me back from... this new day.
**Want to share which Group you are in this Christmas? Leave a comment- and let's share. Group A, B, or C?
I, on the other hand, know nothing about how computers work, how to even down load photos. I can't even say "it's all Greek to me" because I actually took Koine (Biblical) Greek in college, and did well with it. But computer parts, computer "anything"- I do not understand at all. I have to get my son to help me with almost every thing I do on my computer- except for the writing. The words, the many words here, are always all mine. (My husband, my son and my best friend Mu wonder where I get all these words from, and I tell them, "Oh, the world within me. You have no idea!")
Sometimes when Bill and Alex are discussing computer components they're buying, I'll feign expertise in the matter and interrupt their conversation with "Yea, I know. My ram is all filled with j.pegs and I have to download my widget to maximize the hard drive so that the mega pixels and the motherboard get along with the peripherals and then the CPU won't be so floppy." Alex will look at me with one eyebrow raised and sigh, "Mom, you're not funny" as though I have insulted the computer world with my gross ignorance and misuse of the technical language.
I have no interest in learning anything about computer components. I just want to turn on my lap top and press the keys and start going. When I run into a problem, I'll yell for my son. He'll come up from his lair, downstairs, and come over to where I'm working. He'll start to tell me all these technical things. I'll put my hands over my ears and close my eyes like a petulant child and yell out, "I'm not listening! I'm not listening!" I am so right brained that if any left brain info gets into my head it may confuse me. I already have memory problems and hearing problems- I don't want my brain to get mixed up anymore than what it is.
But problems, crises and life's challenges, I understand. Not that I understand why they occur, or how they fit into God's plan exactly, or why they have to be so vicious sometimes, but just that they occur.
Last night at the Women's LIFE Workshop I teach at church, our leadership team gathered the women into groups at the mid point ministry time. We broke up into three groups where women could choose what their experience, this Christmas season, was about: Group A was having an Awesome time, and they should celebrate and whoop it up, I told them. Group B was having a Bit of a Battle this Christmas, their stress levels were high, and they needed to talk about it- whether its problems with relatives, stress on the job, trying to deal with a blended family.
Then there was group C. "You're in a crisis," I told them. "There's no other way to describe what you're dealing with. It could be hospitalization of a loved one, the unemployment line you're standing in, or the excruciating sudden loneliness you're facing." We had a lot of women in Group B, some women in Group A who were laughing together, and four women who came over to group C. They could barely talk about what they were going through. One woman said to me, as she began to share, "Now, I know this won't shock you. I can tell you know how it is, how it really is." And she began to share.
I may not understand a thing about computers but I do know about life's challenges. I don't experientially know about every single life problem there is, but I do know that they exist, and that you have no idea how bad it is, sometimes, for some people. What they carry, what they're going through- it can drop your heart into the ground.
I looked at these women in group C and felt such awe and respect for them. How could one bear up under such trials, such circumstances of crisis and constant battle? My first reaction when I hear of such crisis is to gather the troops and pray. Pray! Then my next reaction, after listening to them let it all out, is to hold their hand tightly.
I know they're on a long hard journey. Sometimes I feel a bit mad at God that He would take them on such a hard journey. Take them, or "allow them" - whatever the word, whatever the plan is (Is God causing it? Is He allowing it? Is He ready to mightily intervene?), I'm not happy with the rough terrain that God thinks we can traverse.
But every time I have ever gripped a woman's hand in silent agreement that life is hard and that our faith is about to be given the chance to arise, I remember what I have traveled through. I think of the pockets of despair, the places I have lived (not wanting to remember some of the places), the loneliness, the medical crises, the financial instability and the failures. Failures, as in it didn't work out. Failures as in, you don't look so good right now. But my failures and crises of the past connect me to the women more so than my past seasons of success do.
"...God designed you for the journey of your life...(but)...God designs you by the journey as well" writes Robert A. Schuller in his new book, Walking in Your Own Shoes.
Designed and shaped by what I go through, and prepared for what I will go through- that's all God's doing. My only doing is to keep watch over my internal core temperature, my heart. I learned about this term just the other night when my son's newly built computer was screeching this high pitched beeping sound over and over.
"The internal core temperature is rising, "my husband said to Alex, as they bent their heads over the computer to diagnose what should be done.
Now I would not know what should be done for that computer, just as I don't know what should be done for each person I come into contact with who has a crisis or a big problem to deal with. I know little about the mysterious sovereign plan of God. I only know that He says He will work things together for good.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
Maybe one thing He is doing to work it all together, to weave the pain into the gain, is to utilize everything- every snare and ever tear, every time we were beat up or fed up or gave up- for His purpose. Purpose is almost too big of a word for me to tackle. I just know that it's bigger and higher than what my mind can get around.
"By tomorrow, the life you are living today is going to be part of your past. It is going to be part of that ever-increasing reservoir of experiences and knowledge you will draw on when you step into the future."
How painful our past is varies with each person. But we all have a future. We all have something profoundly amazing that we're about to step into. And that's something that I do understand- that today and tomorrow are before me. The past is not forgotten, but it is behind me. It's behind me as a reservoir that I can draw upon- draw upon not only the good, but more so, the painful trials, that no matter how debilitating, could not hold me back from... this new day.
**Want to share which Group you are in this Christmas? Leave a comment- and let's share. Group A, B, or C?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Unless We Know
She shared with me something she didn't intend to share. She didn't plan to open up and tell me how she really was. Maybe she could tell that I earnestly wanted to know how she was doing. Perhaps she knew that I suspected she was having a hard time, that I would not be surprised to hear her account of fear, frustration over being able to do nothing about her situation, and alarm that she had to live with not knowing, not knowing, not knowing. That was the part she could not cope with, she relayed to me. I kept my hand on her arm as she told me.
I felt burdened the rest of the day. Felt burdened for her, and by the weight of what she had to carry. I know it was good for her to share. By sharing with me, she allowed me to help bear her burden. She knows I will pray for her. But she also struggles with what prayer will do. Haven't we all prayed and prayed, at a tough time in our life, and found an answer we did not want instead of the one we longed for?
After dinner last night, a somewhat fatty pot roast and pretty good mashed potatoes, I did the dishes in a slow, contemplative manner. The sink was filled with dirty dishes, greasy pots, and a blue sponge that was quickly turning brown. I felt the weight of knowing how often we feel alone. How hard it is to connect with someone. I remembered again that I do not like to open up and share my pain with people. And I thought of my friend, her eyes on me, telling me her burden and her painful reality- and I thought of her with such regard. I saw such strength in her- that she crossed that line, and said, yes, I'll open up and tell you how I really am doing. It might not have even been strength that prompted her to act. It might have been desperation.
I keep thinking about the almost-medicinal, therapeutic effect that "sharing" has. Most people feel a bit better after they've talked with someone. But often I take so long in carefully deciding who I would trust with my story, my pain, that I never get to the sharing part, to the part where I open up and you see what I am faced with: me, overwhelmed, and afraid.
I have my favorite people to talk to who have passed "the test"- my husband, my best friend, my dog- because his eyes tell me I am adored no matter if I am in a mess. But I know my circle needs to enlarge. I know my community, my fellowship of believers, should be larger and we should all be able to trust each other enough to open up and go through trials together. We should be able to do that. But the "shoulds" do not determine reality, do they?
"We cannot find Him unless we know we need Him," Thomas Merton wrote, referring to our desperate need for God. And if God requires us to "call unto Me", so that He can answer, then maybe we have to also bear the awkwardness of calling out to each other when we have no other way to signal our distress. We cannot find each other unless we call out, call out even in desperation.
When we really are not doing that well, there may be no other choice than to take a chance on someone who we think may just care enough about us, know enough about life's vicious take downs, and have enough trust in God that whatever is shared with them, does not mean God is any less on the throne, or that we are any less loved.
It isn't enough to pursue only this one-to-one relationship with Christ our Savior, while excluding all others. We have to let people "in". I am taking a deep breath and a faith- filled step in this direction, now. And it's only because a friend shared with me something that she didn't intend to.
Her need became greater than her intention to be private. And that's just how it has to be for any of us to ever take a deep breath and then say,
Can we talk?
I felt burdened the rest of the day. Felt burdened for her, and by the weight of what she had to carry. I know it was good for her to share. By sharing with me, she allowed me to help bear her burden. She knows I will pray for her. But she also struggles with what prayer will do. Haven't we all prayed and prayed, at a tough time in our life, and found an answer we did not want instead of the one we longed for?
After dinner last night, a somewhat fatty pot roast and pretty good mashed potatoes, I did the dishes in a slow, contemplative manner. The sink was filled with dirty dishes, greasy pots, and a blue sponge that was quickly turning brown. I felt the weight of knowing how often we feel alone. How hard it is to connect with someone. I remembered again that I do not like to open up and share my pain with people. And I thought of my friend, her eyes on me, telling me her burden and her painful reality- and I thought of her with such regard. I saw such strength in her- that she crossed that line, and said, yes, I'll open up and tell you how I really am doing. It might not have even been strength that prompted her to act. It might have been desperation.
I keep thinking about the almost-medicinal, therapeutic effect that "sharing" has. Most people feel a bit better after they've talked with someone. But often I take so long in carefully deciding who I would trust with my story, my pain, that I never get to the sharing part, to the part where I open up and you see what I am faced with: me, overwhelmed, and afraid.
I have my favorite people to talk to who have passed "the test"- my husband, my best friend, my dog- because his eyes tell me I am adored no matter if I am in a mess. But I know my circle needs to enlarge. I know my community, my fellowship of believers, should be larger and we should all be able to trust each other enough to open up and go through trials together. We should be able to do that. But the "shoulds" do not determine reality, do they?
"We cannot find Him unless we know we need Him," Thomas Merton wrote, referring to our desperate need for God. And if God requires us to "call unto Me", so that He can answer, then maybe we have to also bear the awkwardness of calling out to each other when we have no other way to signal our distress. We cannot find each other unless we call out, call out even in desperation.
When we really are not doing that well, there may be no other choice than to take a chance on someone who we think may just care enough about us, know enough about life's vicious take downs, and have enough trust in God that whatever is shared with them, does not mean God is any less on the throne, or that we are any less loved.
It isn't enough to pursue only this one-to-one relationship with Christ our Savior, while excluding all others. We have to let people "in". I am taking a deep breath and a faith- filled step in this direction, now. And it's only because a friend shared with me something that she didn't intend to.
Her need became greater than her intention to be private. And that's just how it has to be for any of us to ever take a deep breath and then say,
Can we talk?
Friday, October 05, 2007
When You Change Your Mind
It was hard to share last night, with the 60 women that were there for the Women's LIFE workshop, about a time in my life when I changed my mind. It wasn't the changed mind that was hard to share- that was the wonderful, turning point of my life! But what brought about this change of mind was years of striving to be accepted by God, fear of God, and inner chaos.
I don't like to remember such inner turmoil. All this occurred when I was growing up, in spite of the fact that I grew up in a home with Christian parents and was taught the Word of God everywhere I went. I knew a lot about God and His requirements, but I did not understand at all what the Good News, the Gospel, was. It all seemed like bad news to me: there was a heaven but there was a hell- and in spite of hearing about salvation, I was scared I might still end up there; there was a righteous Holy God- and I didn't think I could ever satisfy His requirements to walk in a worthy manner.
I may share here on this blog about days of interpersonal clashes (a nice way of saying my son was acting up and I was falling down), times of pain ( a gentle way of saying I'm tired of dealing with stuff and it makes feel like I'm getting old and gray), and times where I am wondering how God will get me further along on the path when I have stalled. But sharing about these times with you all do not trouble me as much- because I always have hope, and even when I'm really down, I do not feel lost. Not anymore. But sharing about my past- when I felt like a ship in a storm with no anchor- that I just don't like to dwell on or recount. But I did last night.
I shared with the women what I hadn't talked about in a long while. That years ago, all the way till I was 21, I was normal looking on the outside and just in shambles on the inside. I felt lost and so in a panic, so insecure- and with too much Bible knowledge but no revelation of the LOVE that God poured out to me, the hand He extended to me when Christ died on the cross.
And then I went to Spain, my junior year of college, and lived there a year. It started out great: cafe con leche, dancing at night, chats with friends at outside cafes. Then the novelty wore off, and the old feelings I had returned. Instead of the enjoying the heights of excitement and foreign intrigue, I plummeted , inwardly, into despair.
Jentezen Franklin writes in his book, Right People, Right Place, Right Plan:
"until your misery factor exceeds your fear factor, you won't change."
He's right. When my inner misery mounted to the point that I called out to God- in spite of the fact that I was afraid of Him- I changed my mind at that point. I realized that after all my years of trying to be good that I could not do it, and that had to be admitted. I simply told God, "I can't do this anymore." God replied to me, "Well, I can. Let me do it in you." And that's when I changed my mind about who I was, and Who God was and HOW I could make it in this world.
I knew I was a sinner- but I found out that not only is there a Savior- but that He knows we cannot do a thing to make ourselves worthy of being loved by Him. He loves us-in spite of the huge debt we owe, when it comes to righteousness. So He paid it all, for us. I saw that, finally. I realized what it was God offered to us, and what He wanted from us, which was -to change our mind.
That's what I did, back in 1982, in Spain. I changed my mind about WHO I could trust to lead me- and it was no longer myself that I wanted in the driver's seat.
It's called Repentance. That's what we are called to do upon hearing the good news that the Kingdom of God is at hand: Repent! But it isn't repent- as in grovel and loathe yourself because you are a sinner. Repentance is not even regret, so much, over your sin.
In the Greek, the word repentance is commonly translated as "a change of mind". To "see" something, decide what the truth is about it, and embrace it- that's what we are called to do when we are presented with the Good News, the Gospel.
The good, the bad, and the ugly- here it is, in reverse order: the ugly truth is that you're a sinner and I'm a sinner, the bad news is that you can't enter in to heaven as a sinner, but the good news is that there is a Savior with full recognition of your lost state, and HE made a way for you!!
God did it ALL. He wants us to simply acknowledge this powerful truth. If we grovel, feel lousy about ourselves and the mistakes we make, that isn't repentance. That's just us being frustrated that we can't do the good we know to do. False humility, smacking ourselves around mentally, chastising ourselves for being imperfect- what is new about that thinking? That's the same-old same-old. Been there, done that- and it profited me nothing. Just spiraled me downward.
No, I changed my mind a while ago about what God wants from me. What He delights in is Faith- our confident expectation that His loving hand extends to us "while we were yet sinners"- and that we can reach out and grab hold of His hand even as He grabs hold of us.
And if that doesn't draw you, pull you close to Him, cause you to come running to Him in relief-
....then what will?
I don't like to remember such inner turmoil. All this occurred when I was growing up, in spite of the fact that I grew up in a home with Christian parents and was taught the Word of God everywhere I went. I knew a lot about God and His requirements, but I did not understand at all what the Good News, the Gospel, was. It all seemed like bad news to me: there was a heaven but there was a hell- and in spite of hearing about salvation, I was scared I might still end up there; there was a righteous Holy God- and I didn't think I could ever satisfy His requirements to walk in a worthy manner.
I may share here on this blog about days of interpersonal clashes (a nice way of saying my son was acting up and I was falling down), times of pain ( a gentle way of saying I'm tired of dealing with stuff and it makes feel like I'm getting old and gray), and times where I am wondering how God will get me further along on the path when I have stalled. But sharing about these times with you all do not trouble me as much- because I always have hope, and even when I'm really down, I do not feel lost. Not anymore. But sharing about my past- when I felt like a ship in a storm with no anchor- that I just don't like to dwell on or recount. But I did last night.
I shared with the women what I hadn't talked about in a long while. That years ago, all the way till I was 21, I was normal looking on the outside and just in shambles on the inside. I felt lost and so in a panic, so insecure- and with too much Bible knowledge but no revelation of the LOVE that God poured out to me, the hand He extended to me when Christ died on the cross.
And then I went to Spain, my junior year of college, and lived there a year. It started out great: cafe con leche, dancing at night, chats with friends at outside cafes. Then the novelty wore off, and the old feelings I had returned. Instead of the enjoying the heights of excitement and foreign intrigue, I plummeted , inwardly, into despair.
Jentezen Franklin writes in his book, Right People, Right Place, Right Plan:
"until your misery factor exceeds your fear factor, you won't change."
He's right. When my inner misery mounted to the point that I called out to God- in spite of the fact that I was afraid of Him- I changed my mind at that point. I realized that after all my years of trying to be good that I could not do it, and that had to be admitted. I simply told God, "I can't do this anymore." God replied to me, "Well, I can. Let me do it in you." And that's when I changed my mind about who I was, and Who God was and HOW I could make it in this world.
I knew I was a sinner- but I found out that not only is there a Savior- but that He knows we cannot do a thing to make ourselves worthy of being loved by Him. He loves us-in spite of the huge debt we owe, when it comes to righteousness. So He paid it all, for us. I saw that, finally. I realized what it was God offered to us, and what He wanted from us, which was -to change our mind.
That's what I did, back in 1982, in Spain. I changed my mind about WHO I could trust to lead me- and it was no longer myself that I wanted in the driver's seat.
It's called Repentance. That's what we are called to do upon hearing the good news that the Kingdom of God is at hand: Repent! But it isn't repent- as in grovel and loathe yourself because you are a sinner. Repentance is not even regret, so much, over your sin.
In the Greek, the word repentance is commonly translated as "a change of mind". To "see" something, decide what the truth is about it, and embrace it- that's what we are called to do when we are presented with the Good News, the Gospel.
The good, the bad, and the ugly- here it is, in reverse order: the ugly truth is that you're a sinner and I'm a sinner, the bad news is that you can't enter in to heaven as a sinner, but the good news is that there is a Savior with full recognition of your lost state, and HE made a way for you!!
God did it ALL. He wants us to simply acknowledge this powerful truth. If we grovel, feel lousy about ourselves and the mistakes we make, that isn't repentance. That's just us being frustrated that we can't do the good we know to do. False humility, smacking ourselves around mentally, chastising ourselves for being imperfect- what is new about that thinking? That's the same-old same-old. Been there, done that- and it profited me nothing. Just spiraled me downward.
No, I changed my mind a while ago about what God wants from me. What He delights in is Faith- our confident expectation that His loving hand extends to us "while we were yet sinners"- and that we can reach out and grab hold of His hand even as He grabs hold of us.
And if that doesn't draw you, pull you close to Him, cause you to come running to Him in relief-
....then what will?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
It's Getting Hot in Here
No, I'm not having a hot flash. More like a continued hot baking going on. That's because our basement somewhat flooded when my husband was working on the boiler. This happened several days ago, and he's had to dry out the basement using a dehumidifier and fans. They've been running for days and it creates extra heat that's rising to the main floor- and there you have me, sweating, heated up, and its not because of passion for life!
It also gets hot every time you go through a crisis. I should say, "a turning point". Which leads me to a little quote I want to throw in here. Just got this in an e-newsletter last night. Valerie Burton, Life Coach, sends these out, free, and you can subscribe by going to www.valorieburton.com.
I just wrote, the other day, about one of the definitions of crisis: A crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point.
And then here I get her e-newsletter, and this is one of the things she ends with:
"Notice the turning point that is occurring in your life right now. Make a decision to go with the flow rather than resist the tides of change."
It's rather hard NOT to notice the turning point! Things get chaotic, scary, perplexing. What you may have to seek hard to notice is the DIRECTION you should take at the upcoming turning point.
It's also good advice to "go with the flow". There is something to be said for being malleable, going with the flow- unless the flow takes you down the drain!!
We need wisdom in discerning whether something is God's flow or whether it's the flow of negativism, despair, confusion, leading to apathy, leading to giving up- I don't want to go with THAT flow, that chain of events.
Valerie is right- don't resist the tides of change. Change is good. Often it is sooo needed. But let me add, the tides of change can come in like a strong wave and grab you and pull you out to a sea of confusion, and in the midst of things, you can resist going down, resist going under- and well you should. Fight to keep your head above water. Fight. But don't fight the flow of necessary breaking away from the old, the outdated, the "over". For some of us, we just need to take a deep breath, look at that thing that mocks us and tries to get us to remember we once had something- and say,"It's over. Now onto the New".
What we need to go with is the whisper of God's touch, the burning bush that signals us to take off our sandals, the storm that suddenly appears even while Jesus is sleeping in our boat- and we should know "God is here. He's right with us". That's the flow we want to go with- even when all hell seems to be breaking loose.
When God says, "Get ready for a ride" he means get ready. It may start to get very hot. Old stuff may have to be shaken loose.
If you're at a turning point in your life, as I am, get ready to take a turn. It's up ahead. Do you see it?
It also gets hot every time you go through a crisis. I should say, "a turning point". Which leads me to a little quote I want to throw in here. Just got this in an e-newsletter last night. Valerie Burton, Life Coach, sends these out, free, and you can subscribe by going to www.valorieburton.com.
I just wrote, the other day, about one of the definitions of crisis: A crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point.
And then here I get her e-newsletter, and this is one of the things she ends with:
"Notice the turning point that is occurring in your life right now. Make a decision to go with the flow rather than resist the tides of change."
It's rather hard NOT to notice the turning point! Things get chaotic, scary, perplexing. What you may have to seek hard to notice is the DIRECTION you should take at the upcoming turning point.
It's also good advice to "go with the flow". There is something to be said for being malleable, going with the flow- unless the flow takes you down the drain!!
We need wisdom in discerning whether something is God's flow or whether it's the flow of negativism, despair, confusion, leading to apathy, leading to giving up- I don't want to go with THAT flow, that chain of events.
Valerie is right- don't resist the tides of change. Change is good. Often it is sooo needed. But let me add, the tides of change can come in like a strong wave and grab you and pull you out to a sea of confusion, and in the midst of things, you can resist going down, resist going under- and well you should. Fight to keep your head above water. Fight. But don't fight the flow of necessary breaking away from the old, the outdated, the "over". For some of us, we just need to take a deep breath, look at that thing that mocks us and tries to get us to remember we once had something- and say,"It's over. Now onto the New".
What we need to go with is the whisper of God's touch, the burning bush that signals us to take off our sandals, the storm that suddenly appears even while Jesus is sleeping in our boat- and we should know "God is here. He's right with us". That's the flow we want to go with- even when all hell seems to be breaking loose.
When God says, "Get ready for a ride" he means get ready. It may start to get very hot. Old stuff may have to be shaken loose.
If you're at a turning point in your life, as I am, get ready to take a turn. It's up ahead. Do you see it?
Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A Lesson from the Widow of Zarephath- part two
I can be a bit confusing, I suppose, talking about provision and prophets visiting widow's houses- but I didn't write this story, God did. (1 Kings 17:8-16) I am fascinated by the scene of the widow of Zarephath with her last bit of resources and her fear that she was at the end.
It's easy to panic when you think you are at a breaking point- whether it's financially, emotionally or circumstantially. But the scene at the widow's house is pretty much like today: it was the worst of times, and it was the best of times. It was a time when Israel's worst king reigned on the throne, and God's powerful prophet, Elijah, had just come on the scene. And of all places, Elijah's first miracle was done at the widow of Zarephath's house. What a commentary that is!
If God had "commanded" the widow "to provide" for the prophet Elijah, how did God get that message to the woman? Did she hear that call to do something drastic- by faith- in her spirit? Did she sense the integrity of the word of the Lord spoken through the prophet himself when he asked her for a "morsel of bread" to eat?
You have to understand, in biblical times, the Jewish principle of receiving a person's representative. You received a person "in the name of " that person- and received their sent message or provision. That's why in Matt 10:41 it says "He who receives a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward...." There were plenty of false prophets, even in Elijah's day, and yet the woman identified correctly that he came in the name of the Lord, as an ambassador of God's word to the people- and she received his word to her-"Do not fear". She made some food for him to eat- the last of what she had.
The widow gave out of the last bit she had- in obedience, by faith, with a conviction of something big enough to launch her out into the scene of "God....please show up!" and HE DID. We see a picture of a widow in the New Testament, doing something like that. Jesus was watching the giving taking place, and saw a poor widow put in her last two coins ( Mark 12:41-44) and though it was less than what everyone else had given, it was actually MORE than all the others had given because "she -out of her poverty- put in all that she had, her whole livelihood."
Her whole livelihood. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines this word's origin as "Middle English livelode course of life, .... means of support or subsistence"
Widows struggle with this issue of means of support and provision. So do many people. If you are self-employed, your means of subsistence seem to be centered squarely on your shoulders. If you're launching a business, you're on your own. Sometimes you can feel like you are carrying the weight of a problem or the weight of trying to give birth to a dream. You can think you are near the end of your total reserves. Often you give sacrificially, and it is the last of what you have...that you can see.
If you've walked away from a job with a pink slip in your hands, or you walked away from the doctor's office with a bad report, it would be easy to think your fate- your means of support or subsistence- are determined by these things. THEY ARE NOT.
It's what the Word of the Lord tells me, in the face of my fears, that determines how well I am doing and what to do next. I, personally, have set out to write and speak forth the word and counsel of God, but I could run out of resources to do so. That's the reality. My well could run dry. My physical, financial reserves are at their low, right now. But its not my job to replenish them. My job is to obey, to be faithful to the call, to walk by faith, to hear the word of the Lord spoken to me- through whomever and whatever circumstances He chooses to use. God is reminding me to visit the widow's house, the place HE chose for Elijah's first miracle, and look at faith in action.
If you're looking with me, we are surveying her shelves. The jar of oil is at its end. The flour bin looks empty. But I see her running to make a meal- her last- to give it first to the one who spoke the word of the Lord to her. I see her, face determined to not fear in the face of unsettling circumstances. I watch her arms vigorously make the bread and she serves it to that old prophet with a conviction of resolute faith in the provision of God. Her livelihood is tied up in all that God calls her to.
And I nod my head in agreement with her, thanking her for reminding me that I can do it, even do it afraid- everything HE Calls me to.
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13, NIV
It's easy to panic when you think you are at a breaking point- whether it's financially, emotionally or circumstantially. But the scene at the widow's house is pretty much like today: it was the worst of times, and it was the best of times. It was a time when Israel's worst king reigned on the throne, and God's powerful prophet, Elijah, had just come on the scene. And of all places, Elijah's first miracle was done at the widow of Zarephath's house. What a commentary that is!
If God had "commanded" the widow "to provide" for the prophet Elijah, how did God get that message to the woman? Did she hear that call to do something drastic- by faith- in her spirit? Did she sense the integrity of the word of the Lord spoken through the prophet himself when he asked her for a "morsel of bread" to eat?
You have to understand, in biblical times, the Jewish principle of receiving a person's representative. You received a person "in the name of " that person- and received their sent message or provision. That's why in Matt 10:41 it says "He who receives a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward...." There were plenty of false prophets, even in Elijah's day, and yet the woman identified correctly that he came in the name of the Lord, as an ambassador of God's word to the people- and she received his word to her-"Do not fear". She made some food for him to eat- the last of what she had.
The widow gave out of the last bit she had- in obedience, by faith, with a conviction of something big enough to launch her out into the scene of "God....please show up!" and HE DID. We see a picture of a widow in the New Testament, doing something like that. Jesus was watching the giving taking place, and saw a poor widow put in her last two coins ( Mark 12:41-44) and though it was less than what everyone else had given, it was actually MORE than all the others had given because "she -out of her poverty- put in all that she had, her whole livelihood."
Her whole livelihood. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines this word's origin as "Middle English livelode course of life, .... means of support or subsistence"
Widows struggle with this issue of means of support and provision. So do many people. If you are self-employed, your means of subsistence seem to be centered squarely on your shoulders. If you're launching a business, you're on your own. Sometimes you can feel like you are carrying the weight of a problem or the weight of trying to give birth to a dream. You can think you are near the end of your total reserves. Often you give sacrificially, and it is the last of what you have...that you can see.
If you've walked away from a job with a pink slip in your hands, or you walked away from the doctor's office with a bad report, it would be easy to think your fate- your means of support or subsistence- are determined by these things. THEY ARE NOT.
It's what the Word of the Lord tells me, in the face of my fears, that determines how well I am doing and what to do next. I, personally, have set out to write and speak forth the word and counsel of God, but I could run out of resources to do so. That's the reality. My well could run dry. My physical, financial reserves are at their low, right now. But its not my job to replenish them. My job is to obey, to be faithful to the call, to walk by faith, to hear the word of the Lord spoken to me- through whomever and whatever circumstances He chooses to use. God is reminding me to visit the widow's house, the place HE chose for Elijah's first miracle, and look at faith in action.
If you're looking with me, we are surveying her shelves. The jar of oil is at its end. The flour bin looks empty. But I see her running to make a meal- her last- to give it first to the one who spoke the word of the Lord to her. I see her, face determined to not fear in the face of unsettling circumstances. I watch her arms vigorously make the bread and she serves it to that old prophet with a conviction of resolute faith in the provision of God. Her livelihood is tied up in all that God calls her to.
And I nod my head in agreement with her, thanking her for reminding me that I can do it, even do it afraid- everything HE Calls me to.
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13, NIV
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