Caution!! Open Doors Ahead!

Safety Bill and I had just fallen asleep. Well, I was about to enter that deep stage of sleep when little noises and nagging thoughts start to disappear and you give in to that wave of blessed slumber that should hopefully last for about eight hours. Mine lasted for about eight minutes-- because I woke to a strange whimpering, scratching sound. It didn't sound like our dog Harry because he either barks with conviction or cries pitifully (and theatrically, at times). This was more like a very panicked cry for help and the sound of struggle.

"Did we leave Harry outside by mistake?" I whispered to Bill, elbowing him awake. If it was a robber in the living room I didn't want to advise him that we were awake.

"No, I brought him in. He was with me downstairs just before I came to bed."

Oh. Now I knew what the noise was and where Harry was: he was between a rock and a hard place.

My poor shaggy boy is now about ten years old and getting slightly arthritic and more than slightly unbalanced. He has fallen down the last couple of stairs a couple times and scared us and ourselves by his lack of ability to do things he used to so easily do.

I ran to the door leading to our downstairs finished basement and carefully but quickly opened it. It was dark and there was the sound of his nails scrambling on the top painted step; and then he flopped into me. He could have fallen the other way, down the stairs.

You see, he was at the top of the stairs, but the door was clsoed. It was dark. (Bill had left Harry asleep on the couch downstairs when he had come up to bed.) The stairs are slippery because they are a painted wood, with kind of a enameled coating. The stairs- each tread- are narrow. Harry is wide. And thus his predicament: he was waiting for us on the very top step, leaning against a closed door, his body half falling over the step and threatening to tumble down. He was in the dark. And what scared him the most, I think, was not that the door wouldn't open if he cried out or barked loudly, but that the door would suddenly open and he'd lose his balance and tumble down.

You know where I'm going with this, don't you? Opened Doors are not all that they're made out to be. You think you're waiting for an opportunity so you can get to something better, but if God opens the door suddenly, are you ready for it? And more than that, just the door opening itself can sometimes be a violent act, a scary sudden thing. Opened doors are not necessarily safe.

Oh, I don't mean that God will ever lead you into unsafe, sinful territory. He won't ever, ever, tempt you to fall. God does not work that way. (When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone...James 1:13). But God will bring you into a promised land filled with giants. He will bring you to the edge of the Red Sea with a chasing army thundering behind you. He'll open doors alright, but then you'll find yourself with greater responsibility, greater opportunities to need a miracle. You'll find yourself between a rock and a hard place, or in Harry's case, between the top of the stairs and a closed door.

But I would rather perilously rest against a closed door that I want to open, than to stay at the bottom of the stair and just pitifully cry and whimper for God to do something in my life. You want God to move in your life? You want a long-awaited door to open for you? REST AGAINST IT.

Fall asleep praying about your problem. Let God find you with your hand to the plow- even if he finds you asleep. Be like the widow in Luke 18 who kept asking for justice and because of her persistence, received it. Let Him find you faithful in carrying out the tasks that you CAN do, such as actually climbing up the stairs. You can do that. Even if there's a closed door at the top of the stairs, at least climb up the stairs and position yourself, in faith, at that closed door. .

You know, I'm pretty much an expert when it comes to closed doors. (Some of these closed doors never opened or still haven't opened.) I would rather be an expert on opened doors, and I pray someday I'll get there, but for now, let me tell you what I experientially know about closed doors. There are different kinds of closed doors. The kind of closed doors I want to have in my life are closed doors that could have, might have, opened, given the right timing, the right situation. But I never want to have doors that are closed because I was asking for something wrong. I don't ever want God to look at me with that knowing look that says, "Lauren, really? You want me to open a door that is actually sinful to open?" May it never be that I ask God to open a door for me that is sinful or that leads to sin.

But if we ask God to open doors that we KNOW are in His will- these are doors that lead to healing, that help others, that bless others, that use our God-given talents and gifts- then if these doors don't open, we know it's not because they're not in His general will. We know it's not because we asked wrongly. They're not against His will- they're just not in His specific will for that specific time and place. For some reason--God's reason.

Think about Joseph (in the book of Genesis), in prison, waiting for release from that dark place. He's praying for God to open the door and get him out of there- because he never deserved to be there in the first place. But circumstantially speaking, God allowed his brothers to gang up on him and put him in a pit and then sell him off as a slave. God allowed the defamation of Joseph's character when Potiphar's wife falsely accused him of rape and he wound up in prison. He wound up without any resource for deliverance, unless God opened the door for his release. His only recourse was God sovereignly, powerfully and at the right time, getting him out of prison. And GOD DID.

You have to know with conviction, when you're leaning against a closed door, that it is right for you to press against it. You have to know that you are, to the best of your conscience, asking for something good- not evil. And then once you know this, you have to entrust yourself and the door-opening to God's timing and providence. There will be some doors that don't open-- and not because you asked for something bad or sinful. And there will be some doors that eventually open, maybe after years and years of waiting. Notice the "some" the "eventually", the "maybe." Because we only know in part, we only see in part.

When I opened the door last night, I did it carefully and with the knowledge of what could happen. I knew Harry was leaning against the door and he was in a dangerous place-- he could fall and tumble down the stairs if I jerked the door open too quickly and he lost his balance. But it most certainly was my desire to open the door and let my poor sweet dog come up and be with us. Bill did not deliberately leave him downstairs in the dark as some kind of punishment. Harry, as sweet and not-very-bright as he is, hopefully knew that, even if he didn't know the particulars and how and why he came to find himself resting against the closed door.

I want to take care to consider the doors before me. I can easily rule out some that I should never try to open. And then there'll be some that I think He might want to open. And then there'll be some that have not opened for a long time, but I'm still resting at the doorstep against the closed door. I'm not afraid to wait or rest there. I'm trying to stay ready to tumble forward if it suddenly opens. And most of all, if a "great and effective door" opens to me, I know it could be sudden and scarey and it could catapult me into unknown territory in which I will need Him more than ever--and will need Him to open more doors further down the road.

But one thing I know now: God's love is in front of every closed door and behind every closed door. An opened door does NOT mean I get more love from Him. I am loved, right now, where I am--opened door or not. My shaggy bear of a dog knows this truth. He was relieved when I opened the door and he flopped forward. Then he walked over to the living room couch, jumped up, made a little nest for himself with the cushions, and promptly fell asleep. His trial of waiting was over.

I went back to bed thinking about the particulars of what just happened, envisioning myself wedged on that top slippery step, pressing up against the closed door. Maybe I identify with Harry too much! But he's such a trusting sweet dog. It was clear to him that the door would eventually open. Yours will too. And if it's not the door to your dream, if it's not the direct answer to your problem right now, there most certainly will be an open door to more grace for however long you find yourself having to wait at the top of the stairs, resting at the closed door.

Judgment Day is Already Here

The good thing about this past year of economic distress and upheaval is that many of us have done a re-evaluation of what's important to us, what we need, what we can let go of, what really matters in the end.

If you didn't lose your job this year, you probably know someone who did. If you didn't tighten your belt, you probably know a family who has had to. But even if the nation's economic crisis hasn't hit home hard with you, undoubtedly it has affected you in some way.

My first instinct, when any type of crisis occurs, is to get through it. But after I've gone through a crisis- whether it's a health crisis or a financial crisis- then there's a need I have to know what I've gained from this tense situation. Did I learn anything? Is there something I needed to know- that I didn't know when the crisis was occurring? Is there something I gleaned from the situation?

Because, really, in my mind, why not at least benefit, in some way, from a crisis? Especially if you did not bring the crisis on yourself (that's a whole 'nother story), then why not get something good out of something painful? Why not really believe that "all things work together for good...." as Romans 8:28 explains.

This past year, my husband and I have hurdled over some tough times, blazed through some mental barricades, and struggled with some issues within us and around us that we knew we needed to deal with. We needed to not only make some decisions, but we actually had to make some judgment calls.

Oh, but that's a bad word to use around the Christian community! "Judge not that ye be not judged" will ring out before you can even explain what you're making a judgment on. You might even start to think that anything remotely having to do with making a judgment is bad- and therefore you could start to think you should never: make a decision, reach a conclusion, draw a boundary line in a relationship, or do anything related to deciding, discerning, evaluating, examining.

There's no basis for that type of erroneous thinking, though, if you look at 1 Corinthians 2: 9-16. The one line from this passage that make s a lot of Christians shudder is "But he who is spiritual judges all things, yet he himself is rightly judged by no one." The CEV version words it this way, "People who are guided by the Spirit can make all kinds of judgements....".

Really? We can? We can make judgments on things that happen to us, situations we're in? God has given us His Spirit and this Spirit is a light within us, it's a lamp unto our feet, yes, and also a sword that slices through situations. It's not a kiddy light made of cheap plastic, that only works for a moment and then it's worthless.

I love how the CEV version highlights the benefit of having God's Spirit within us: "we can recognize the blessings that God has given us". Oh, I see! And if, by God's discerning Spirit within you, you can recognize the good blessings He means for you to have, by this very same Spirit you will also discern and see what is NOT God's will, what is not good for you, what is not advisable or helpful or instrumental in you growing in faith.

We make judgments so that we can conclude correctly what is of God and what is not of God or not God's will (or at least conclude that we're not sure what His will is, in certain situations). We make judgment calls because if we don't we become people who never have an opinion, a conclusion, or the ability to close a door that should be closed. We are people who CAN make judgments, who've been freed to make judgments, and therefore we will be "scrutinizing, examining, and investigating spiritual value and implications" (CEV commentary).

If something has value in your life, you have to see it, decide it's worth or recognize it's worth. The implications of what you choose and what you do not choose to think, do, believe, accept, reject- are vast. Your mental health is at stake. Your faith is at stake. Your understanding of God's will, His love, His ways of dealing with us, are all at stake here. These are the implications of everything we choose and don't choose. And no choice is made without a judgment call first.

Swine Flu and The Things That Matter to You

Education is good, but too much information- which can come through education- might be overwhelming. If you want to be an informed, upstanding good citizen, you should listen to the nightly news. If you want to be sane, sober minded and healthy with peace and perspective, you might not want to listen to the nightly news- at least not listen to it too much. It's a coin toss, really.

Wow, what a ride we are having in this nation. It's been a roller coaster. Between the upheaval in the economy, the drastic downturn in the stock market, the escalating unemployment rate, the horrific housing market, and now the threat of swine flu, we are all asking ourselves if we mistakenly woke up in the middle of a nightmare! And if that is the case, it seems we're trying to find a way to get back to restful sleep so that we can possibly wake up in a better part of this dream. When will things get better? Can they get better?

I'm not a medical expert, and I'm not a financial seer, and I'm not a prominent government leader with power to make some fast concrete changes that would affect the masses, so I may not seem to be anyone you should listen to. And you shouldn't listen to me if I speak from my own insight and human perspective.

But let's just see if we can tap into the great mysterious underground of God's Wisdom and Love and see if we can find something very concrete to stand on here. Nobody is looking for another Kum-by-ya song or some rote prayer or some foolish human proclamation of peace when there is no peace. It seems we're all looking for the most concrete, most grounded thing we can stand on- at least in these times.

This is not what we were looking for years ago. Years ago what we were looking for was an exhilarating ride into greatness or wealth. We were looking for fast trips and luxury and more and more things to satisfy our longing for More. Some of us were looking for career advancement, recognition. Some of us were looking for romance or for Mr. Right- and the T.V. show, The Bachelor, became a great fun way to vicariously help someone find their true love. In years past, rock solid BORING stability was not what we were looking for.

But that's what many of us are looking for now. Peaceful days. A Cook out with true friends and loved ones by our side. A glance at our kids and a sigh of relief that they're all healthy and safe. A look at our bank account and a feeling of peace that there's enough- not much- but enough, enough to pay bills. A job to go to- never mind it being a great job or having a promising future. These are the things that we are finally content with. And we're content with these simple things, now, because we're in scary times. And scary times make people take inventory of what is the most needed in their life.

I think, then, that we might possibly be in the best of possible times- only because we are grounded into reality, called upon to take an account of our life and of what is true and what is necessary and what is loved; only because we are experiencing tremors and rumblings and de-stabilizing events and so we want the most rock solid thing that we can find now. We want Stability. We want Strength. We want Security... and where is it??!

It's Here. HE IS here, I should say. God is with us.

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.

Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. Psalm 46:1-3

I love how Brenda Waggoner brought up a powerful quote from Oswald Chambers, in her book Fairy Tale Faith: "Oswald Chambers says that if we are to have 'staying power during the alarm moments of life,' we have to be grounded in God's basic truths." We are experiencing the "alarm moments of life." Right now.

Well some of us have been spouting off Bible quotes about God's love for years, some of us have been writing about how God is Powerful and that we should believe in Him, and some of us have been aware that there is a God who created the world and that He supposedly is Able to Keep us From Falling- but now we are going to have to live those beliefs as purposefully and intently as a marathon runner trains and zeros in on that last mile.

We've got to be pit bulls of the Faith, not pampered and spoiled poodles. We've got to laugh in the face of danger, not at any one's misfortune and not because we are insane or foolish- but because when our laughter rings out, by faith, God laughs too. Joy electrifies a troubled situation. Peace permeates the prison and the locked doors split open. People walk out into the sun shine and declare they are not going to be afraid. Not while they know the most amazing truth that God not only will reign and be Strong- but that He will reign in their life and be Strong on their behalf.

I Smell Roses

It's Good Friday. I told my daughter, yesterday, that today, Good Friday, was going to be a day we would treat differently. We wouldn't spend the day trying to do what we wanted, when we wanted to, as though we had all control and power over our life, as though we were in complete control over our destiny and there was No One who held our life in Their Hands.

So I started my day, after my husband left for work, feeling a bit puzzled as to what I should do next. I found myself drawn to the book of Ecclesiastes, and I do mean, literally, the book. I read it through- from chapter 1 to Chapter12. It reads like a friend talking to you, who has questions about life, advice gleaned from experience, and a great respect for the unknown and the unseen things of God. It addresses so many issues of life and then, in the end, answers none of these issues- because, really, it's all a mystery.

I knew a pastor who spent every New Years Eve at the local Garbage Dump, reading the book of Ecclesiastes. He said that was the best way for him to start the New Year. He was a melancholy contemplative sort of guy, and I loved how he addressed the agonies in life and answered so few of my questions and how I had more questions than ever after he preached. Not more confusion, mind you- just questions. And I think that's the sign of a good pastor and a wise man.

Maybe Good Friday is my New Years Eve. I'll skip going to the dump because our town dump is not a quiet place to be. I'll commemorate this day that Christ was crucified by recognizing my life begins because of His death. I can have a Happy New Year and a joyful new day because of what He did for me. This is one thing I know for sure. This is not a mystery- the fact that He died and rose again. It's truth. But it is a mystery why He loved us so, why He loves us still. It is a mystery how He leads us and how He guides us and where we are going and why we are where we are.

Here's what I gleaned from today's reading: "Truth is beyond us. It's far too deep" (Eccl 7:24)- but that doesn't mean I shouldn't seek the Truth. I also contemplated what the Writer was alluding to: that what God does and what I actually see happen may be two different things. What I think I see God doing in my life may not be what is actually occurring! (Eccl 8:17). If I share with you my plans for this week and then tell you next year that I never wound up doing what I planned to do, you shouldn't be surprised.

It's like sitting at the local Dump and thinking you smell roses. Life can be that way. You can think you are heading toward a God ordained thing- and find out you don't see God anywhere in the picture. Or God can be definitely at work in your life and you don't see a single blessed thing.
Or you may think you are so on the right path and suddenly find yourself at a dead end.

The writer of Ecclesiastes would probably nod his head and say, "Yes." Yes to our misunderstanding what God is doing in our life. Yes to the fact that we could smell roses at a Dump. Yes to the hunger we have to know what is going on. Yes to the fact that we glimpse a bit of His Hand at work, here and there, now and then- and don't realize what a privilege it was to have had that glimpse into majesty.

I also found out that in addition to spiritual things like respect for God and right living, the writer of this book thinks you also need some very practical things to make it in this life. Things like hard work, good food to eat, real guts, courage, and the nerve to do something even when you are not even sure it will make any difference at all. "You never harvest what you didn't have the nerve to plant" he writes (Contemporary English Version).

It's a holy day today. But its also just another day. It's Friday- but it's also New Years Eve for me. Because something new is happening. I see some things, and then again, I don't know what the heck is going on in my life at all. As in the dark as I am, I'm also wise- for knowing that I know barely anything at all, except for the most important thing, the fact that HE LIVES. And everything else in my life can take its place under that Fact.

Tough Times and Tenacious People

Yesterday at church there was a lady behind me warbling sweetly as we sang an old hymn that made me think of my Nana. My Nana could really sing. I remember her belting out that hymn through rosy lipsticked lips- the lower lip bearing a black mark from biting down on it all the time in worry.

She worried a lot. And she had her reasons. She had her challenges because of life with a man who had his particular challenges with alcohol. But by the time I was hanging around their house, as a child, my Papa wasn't drinking anymore. But the black mark on Nanas lip was still there.

I thought of all this while we were worshipping. Well, I was trying to worship. But my mind was wondering. I got thinking about the lineage I come from. Women with strong character, big problems, and plenty to deal with. My Mom battles depression. I have battled Fear and Anxiety. And when I say battle, I do mean battle.

Becoming lion-hearted while at the same time becoming a gentle lamb who can be led by God is no easy thing. We have to do our battling while we are staying tender hearted, and I haven't figured out how to do that perfectly yet.

But I have to say that I do feel fit for these times we are in. I think God has made us ready for whatever we face. It's a done deal, in a way- and yet we also ask Him to make us fit for battle, make us stout hearted and unafraid. And He does both. He already made a way for us, and He continues to make a way, blazing through tough uncharted territory- in our eyes- and planting vineyards in the middle of deserts.

Today I'm coloring my hair (it's long overdue) and I'm putting on some bright lipstick. At the same time, I've got my battle gear on. I'm all set for the wonder and the wild time that each day is.

It's good to be alive.

What I Know

Between painting the master bedroom and putting in new carpet (which is what my husband wanted to do when we first got ready to move into this house when we bought it over 3 years ago, and I, unwisely, wanted to rush to move in and told him "we can do it later"), our main floor of this house looks like a disaster.

I was thinking of taking photos and posting them here and then decided, why humiliate myself?! It's an absolute mess: dressers in the living room, the mattress and box spring standing up near the kitchen and who knows where my sock drawer is?! (My feet are cold).

The good news, though, is that I have this short time period where everything is a mess because it is soon going to be beautiful. So I'm not upset about the mess or really bothered by things. I know things have to be this way, for a very short bit, and then I know that things will be the opposite of this dismal chaotic mess I see. Things will be beautiful, shortly.

I wish we had these kind of clear timetables when it comes to God's will, the timing of things we hope for, the state of our prayers (unanswered? heard? in limbo?). What we all want to know is
Is everything going to be all right? And how soon before we get this (temporary) Everything is All Right feeling that lets us know we're okay, God's in control, the mess is in front of us- but it will all be well, shortly- even if our feet are, right now, very cold.

All Clear for Take Off

I imagine that Barack Obama thinks this is a good day- a very good day for him. It's a turning point for our nation. It's a new day as far as closing out a former presidency and ushering in not only a new president but a new hope and a vibrant confidence. I don't think I have it wrong when I say that Obama is confident. He is very confident. And that dazzles us. It revs up our engines; it cheers up our flagging spirits. The nation is responding to Obama's charismatic confidence.

The other day I was racing out the door, with Abby, to do an errand. I got in the car and drove a couple hundred yards down the street with a sense that everything seemed blurry and unfocused. Then I quickly realized that it really was blurry and unfocused! I didn't have my glasses on! Thank God I kept a pair of prescription sunglasses in the car. I quickly grabbed them from the compartment and put them on and looked over at my daughter and began laughing. That was a close call.

I know what you might be thinking- that I'm getting old and forgetful. But it's really more that I've gotten so used to going around without my glasses on, while inside our home, because my vision isn't that much better with the glasses on. Supposedly I am supposed to be able to read things up close, with my glasses, as well as see things far away. But my eyes keep changing. I think my eye sight might have even improved, lately. But to prove that I 've got to get to the eye doctor and get my eyesight checked. He'll be able to tell me how I'm really seeing things.

As to how I am seeing things, from a spiritual perspective, only God can verify that. But the interesting thing is that there is also a corresponding manifestation of how spiritually confident you are: you keep wanting to draw closer to Him when your confidence in Him is growing. The more confident you are of His love and His grace for you, the more spiritually confident you are to go to him for more, to draw near to Him for whatever concerns you. "We are not of those who draw back" Scripture tells us.

"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him" (1 John 5:15,16). How you know that God hears you is quite a subjective thing, I think. It might be like when you are talking with someone and they keep looking away or getting a glazed look in their eye or suddenly interjecting that they have an emergency appointment at the office that they suddenly just remembered. You get the idea, then, that they really are not hearing you. They may be listening to you, in a strict literal sense, but they're not hearing you. You have not been heard.

One of the greatest gifts that God gives His children is this access to Him that causes you to not only be able to tell Him everything on your heart, but you also know that you've been heard. I don't think too many of us actually try to go to God with an intentional quest to ask Him something outside of His will. Most of us are not trying to use God as a slot machine. But because of this part of the verse "if we ask anything according to His will", some of us don't have any confidence to ask Him anything at all. We're sure that we are sinful or selfish or at least ignorant of the complete, holy will of God. So we don't want to draw near and ask Him anything at all. We disqualify our self from the outset.

But you don't need to do that. You can draw near to God and tell Him, from the outset, that you're not sure if what you're asking is His will. You can tell Him that you would like to be in His will. That , though you don't understand His will too often, you are sure that there are reasons for His will. God is not a temperamental, hot-then-cold being that you might rile up if you go to him at the wrong moment. He's all there, all the time, all ears. He really wants to hear you.

I can't tell you what a gift it's been to experience this truth, and see myself grow in this deep inner confidence. I have nothing on the outside that would embolden you to greater confidence in me. I haven't had any big accomplishments lately. Not even sure I've had any measurable accomplishments at all- except that I haven't burned any dinners lately, and I haven't gone off driving without my eyeglasses since that one time. That's progress. But those are not real accomplishments.

Yet I am a woman whose spiritual confidence is growing. These last couple weeks, I just feel the grace to be able to draw near to Him- and so I do...constantly. I feel His approval. I even have heard the Lord correcting me on some things- and by cooperating with God in addressing certain issues in my life, there is a new found freedom and joy and ...more confidence.

You're not going to be dazzled when you see me, though. You won't be able to partake of my confidence and have it affect you as in a ripple effect. The only thing my confidence in God can do for you is to whet your appetite and make you wonder what it would feel like to be running to Him boldly and joyfully. Everyone can be confident in Him. You can mount up with wings as eagles, as it says in Isaiah. There will be a sense that take-off has occurred. You're not on the same runway anymore, hoping He'll hear you, wondering if God will hear you.

Try it. Dare to draw near to Him in good faith. For whatever point in your life that you are at, in whatever situation or history you have- dare to approach God with your need and your hope of being heard by Him. He made a way for you to come to Him. Approach Him, then. Botch it up as you do so. Mumble and stumble. It doesn't matter.

You're not going to feel roaring confidence before you go to Him. You'll feel it as soon as you get close enough to see and sense that God drew you in, so that He could fill you up, so that you could walk out, confidently, into the world, sure of only one thing. He's real. Powerfully Real. That's your answer for a lot of things in this shaky world, in these uncertain times of change.

That's your answer. That's your confidence speaking. That's you- no longer on the runway, but above it all, seeing things in a whole new light.

Almost There

"Almost" is a powerful word. It packs an incredible punch of hope or dismay. A marathon runner who is almost at the finish line will often get his second wind. But a woman who is almost ready to give birth is often not encouraged at all with the thought of almost. Almost means nothing when the pain is great, so great that you forget what you were trying to birth.

That's what happened to me when I had my first child. I forgot that I was giving birth to my son because I suddenly was in the midst of a pitocin induced roaring pain that felt like a freight train ripping through my body. So when the doctors in the delivery room (there were several due to Alex's preemie status) kept saying "You're almost there", I heard nothing but "Pain! Pain! And more pain!". I didn't hear an end in sight. I didn't see a finish line. I was in the midst of a searing "now" with no end.

I'm thinking about all this because that's what I was battling this past week: the almost verses the now. This past week was about the quiet but powerful influences that sap us of our strength, not the noticeable stresses we all have to deal with, such as travel and finances and logistical hurdles like delayed planes and traveling college students.

It was stressful- me trying to get our son back to Kentucky, but not something that many don't deal with every day. But because this was only his second time flying, his first time flying alone, and my first time walking him through it, it was a bit of a challenge. Thanksgiving holiday delays and overbooked seats caused him to get cancelled out of his planned return on Monday morning. Then yesterday when we went in, confident that we were getting him off on time, we found this second planned flight had a glitch with a delayed incoming plane that would cause him to miss his connecting flight. So he would have to be rerouted to Atlanta, which is one of the largest airports in the U.S., and there he would have to connect with the second flight and then get to Kentucky. He had to re-arrange a pick up at the airport (to get to his college campus) for the third time.

But he did get there. He called me last night after I had left a message asking, did you finally make it?

"I'm here in Kentucky, but we were hit by a tsunami so I'm underground with nothing to eat but peanuts and I think I'm having an allergic reaction- but other than that, I'm fine" he calmly told me.

"Ha-ha" I answered him back and smiled. If he was joking with me, then he had made it back safely. Alex always teases me when there is nothing to worry about. So he made it back to college. And I slept last night like a woman who had just run a marathon.

Now I'm back to a quiet house. No weddings, airline travel, hours of driving, or big social events in sight. These aforementioned things were not in and of themselves terribly hard to bear. It was more the unseen dynamics of the battle and the condition I was in when I had to stretch myself this week.

Since Bill and I are both at a career crossroads, and both feeling not only financial pressure but dream pressure, we both are feeling a little dried out- not vigorous and bursting with confidence like a body builder does when he looks at the 100 lb weights he's about to lift. I feel skinny, emotionally, and yet fat with apprehension about the next round I may have to go.

I see the rising economic pressures, the societal unease, and I feel the circumstantial evidence of a world bent on deterring weary travelers and a God who expects weary saints to overcome. If the world even agrees that what you're working towards is a worthy pursuit, it will not tell you that you can make it. The world tells you- you might make it- and might is meant to inflict doubt.

And if you're about to conquer a mountain or reap a harvest, the world will have to admit that you're almost there- but they'll say almost as in "anything could happen, though; and maybe you'll have to go back".

But God keeps telling me "You're almost there"- and by that He doesn't mean making it through the holidays. Beyond the logistics and the financial challenge of a festive holiday celebration, there's another challenge of sorts, having to do with your dream, your heart's passion, your call.

When you look at this kind of challenge, the question is always about the route you are traveling (whether you are on track or not), the distance you have made (are we making progress? Cause if we haven't then we're on a mountain circling round and round). The challenge is also about how much further you have to go and about the response of your spirit when God tells you that you are almost there.

Maybe you feel you are going nowhere. (You might have well meaning dear ones who indirectly let you know that you are going in that direction). God says Nowhere can turn into Somewhere- and don't be so sure you're going nowhere based on the landscape around you. Dry terrain, deserts- these are the places where God loves to shout out in laughter with surprising springs bursting up out of the ground.

I know I look like I am going nowhere. And yes, I feel like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. But my feeling is not confirmation of reality.

I am certain, now, that some of the best progress we make is indiscernible to the natural eye. I am certain that some of my recent victories have looked rather pathetic to many, but not to God. He tells me "You're almost there, Lauren"- and God says that with Him, almost there is as good as there. Because He's with you en route, He was with you at the beginning, and when almost there turns to there, He'll tell you He already knew that it was.

Vocabulary Lessons Part 2

"What does satiate mean?" Abby asked me yesterday as we began a new unit of vocabulary words. She pronounced it like sat-i-tate and I could tell she did not like the word already. Too hard to pronounce. Too archaic, she thought. I immediately told her that it was one of my favorite words. And then that beautiful verse rushed into my mind and I shared it with her:

"And I will satiate the soul of the priests with fatness, and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness, saith the LORD." Jer.31:14

Nobody's satisfied anymore, it seems. I know I rarely feel satisfied with my life, with my house- flat and boxy as it is. I don't walk around, normally, thinking-Oh, how satisfied I am with life! How rich I feel! No, I usually walk around thinking about the next issue I should deal with, the next bill I need to pay, the next problem on my list.

And of course, right now in our nation's dire economic straits, I would be as silly as a slow turtle crossing a busy highway if I felt satisfied and happy and at ease. But that's not what this verse is talking about. It isn't a horizontal look around us that we are to take, and then an upward look of gratitude. It's the opposite.

I am supposed to take an upward look first and see the Provider whose grace is sufficient for me, and then take a look around me and see how God will affect my life with with His goodness. Then maybe I'll notice the shiny quarter on the ground- like my daughter always does ( I swear she'll be able to fund her way through college with all the money she "finds" in front of her). Then maybe I'll see the love offered to me by those who care about me. Then maybe I'll realize how rich and full my life is in spite of the fact the the headlines tell me I am diminishing and joining in the national depression that's supposedly right around the corner.

There may be bad things right around the corner, but there's God's goodness raining down on me as well. I will be satisfied with His goodness. That's not only my statement of faith. It's also my intention to obey. It's my intention to see it- to perceive what He says is there. Abundance. It's not a word most people will be talking about right now. And that's why it's going to become one of my favorite words.

In the Land of Hope

We didn't really want to go there, yesterday, but we did. Bill, Abby and I talked about hope, for some reason, as we drove there. Abby brought up that word. She's amazingly instinctive and even a bit prophetic at times- for a 14 year old. So when we arrived at the church that we were going to visit that day, we carried that word with us as we went inside: hope, that we would be glad to say that we had gone to the house of the Lord, hope that we would feel "included" and not like wandering, uninvited strangers crashing a party, and hope that we would leave there...changed.

There was a part of me bucking and rearing deep inside, like a bull out of the chute. I did not want to go through "all this" again. If you care about being in fellowship with other Christians, if you want to find a church "home" as we call it, there's nothing worse for a disguised introvert like me than to walk into new settings where you supposedly should feel immediate love and bonding with the people there- because they're Christians.

But Christians can be mean, resistant to outsiders, rude, or cold. I should know- I'm one of them. I have my days and my moments and my seasons, even, where I am not in love with other Christians at all. You could even say that I get tired of these people, tired of our rules or our Agenda or our strange culture of love and grace and grim faced judgment. We want to be gracious and kind and above all meanness and spite- but we are not. I am not. I hate that about myself and when I go into a church I see people like me who are trying to get above it all, trying to see Him in all His reality- so that our reality changes.

So we went inside. And we were not sorry that we did. We were welcomed by people, but more than that, the presence of the Holy Spirit was strong, heavy, like a comforting blanket that descended from the heavens. We'd heard that this church was not exactly the most seeker sensitive, meaning that it expressed itself in fervent outspoken worship, sudden cries coming from people who call out the Name above all Names, behavior that is not staid and riveted to the seats in decorum and human nobility. I was quiet in my seat, but comfortable with all that was going on around me. I didn't know what I would hear next, what I would experience next , and I was so glad for that.

We left the church and drove home quieter in thought than when we had arrived. Did we find our church home? I don't know yet. But I do know that I was touched and I was changed. I went in there with my invisible shroud of hurt and guardedness. I left there reminded that I was not allowed to keep that shroud on. I have no right to dwell in the land of mistrust and suspicion and reservations.

"Enlarge the place of your dwelling..." Isaiah 54:2 begins. I believe that where I am to dwell is the Land of Hope. And my dwelling in this land is supposed to increase and spread out. Because these three remain- faith, hope, and love, the Bible tells us. Hope is wedged right in the middle, I think, because our faith in His love for us should cause Hope to arise and spread out, like the smile that suddenly appears on my face because He surprised me again. He always does.

One Day at a Time

I'm still missing my son, I've started homeschooling my daughter, and I'm just taking everything "one day at a time, sweet Jesus." Everything is scaled down in my life, scaled down to the basics, the necessary, the fundamentals. This is not a time for dreaming big or even for reviewing my personal goals. It's more a time for just looking up, every so often, and asking God, "Remind me why I am doing this?". And the answer will come, every time: Because He leads me there, to that point, that place, that situation where HE thinks I should be. So nothing is about me, anymore, really. It's more about Him than ever before. And for that, I feel more at peace than I have in a while. More at peace yet completely in the dark. And its not a scary place to be after all.

I'm getting used to talking to my son by phone (very, very brief phone calls, on his part), brief emails, and with my every day look at his senior photo in the living room when I look into those deep brown eyes and whisper to him, I miss you. He says nothing back, because photos can't talk, but I still feel better talking to him that way every day.

I'm getting used to homeschooling my daughter again, and the even the joy of learning with her, learning more about her, and learning from her. It's just the three of us at the dinner table, now, with Harry hovering at our feet, and we have great conversations about how my cooking has not improved, the house is messier than ever, and how we miss Alex and can't wait to see him at Thanksgiving.

Fall is definitely almost here. The weather is getting crisp and cool in the evenings- just the way I like it. I also like that I feel younger than ever, somehow, and I think its because I am more unsure of everything and more confident in His provision, His care. Instead of feeling wise and mature, I feel young and so aware of all I don't know. Yet He is constantly telling me that this is how a believer feels and lives: you walk by faith while you feel lost in the dark, all the while telling yourself that its not what you feel that counts. It's more what you know, for sure, that matters.

The Opportunity Before Me

I thought when I got back from vacation that I would be able to retain the newfound peace and sense of refreshment...but it's been a battle. Life comes at you with appointments, errands to run, children's needs to take care of, and you're flying all over the place taking care of these things when all of a sudden you realize your heart is racing, you're a bit agitated, and the sunny, peaceful beach days of vacation are long past. You could almost think you have to let go of what you gained. Almost. But I've decided that its mine to keep- the rest, the refreshment, the sense of contentment.

Even though this month of August is the THE month for change, for good-byes, for traveling, for visits, and for starting new things, it is still summer vacation. I've got to make sure I glean all I can out of the sun and the laughter and the taste of watermelon and the smell of sunscreen and sweat. "Summertime and the living is easy" that jazzy song tells us- but it's really not that easy to relax. It's doable, but not easy.

In about three weeks, my husband drives our son down to Kentucky for the beginning of his life away at college. Then a week after that, I fly down to Nashville to visit my niece. Then a week after that, I begin homeschooling our daughter. We have decided to go back to homeschooling her after two years of middle school education at a Christian school. It's going to be an interesting year, and possibly a bit quieter- with our son gone. (No more beating drums and blasting music). But one thing it will not be is routine. Everything is changing. There are more changes I will tell you about. And I've got to flex with it all.

"If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish- His purpose is the process itself" (My Utmost for His Highest 7/28). Now that "calm, faithful, and unconfused" part is a real mouthful. I normally don't major in calm (my husband does). I struggle with being faithful (but my dog, Harry, doesn't). But the unconfused part- well, that I am getting better at. I am no longer dismayed and floored by the changes and the suddenness of how life throws something new at you. This part- life's ups and downs- this part I expect. More than ever.

One life changing thing I learned from reading The Success Principles was to look at problems as an opportunity to learn something. And where there are problems, there's stress. And where there's stress, there's a need for surrender. "If you want to remain calm and peaceful as you go through life, you have to have high intention and low attachment. You do everything you can to create your desired outcomes, and then you let it go" writes Jack Canfield. And he is absolutely right.

But the letting go part is the killer. Acting as if you can trust God to take care of what you cannot is a beautiful expression of faith. But this is not beautiful as in "sittin' pretty". This is beautiful as in the praying, releasing, worrying and then praying and releasing all over again. This is work. This is the beautiful work of the Christian- "letting it go" into the hands of God.

When we let go of what is happening and our expectation of how something should turn out, we can look for the surprise God had in mind for us, rather than the expected Outcome we had wanted. Canfield says it best when he writes, "Instead of getting upset when things don't unfold as you anticipated, always ask yourself the question, 'What's the possibility that this is?'"

So many changes occurred in these last months that I could be very confused about what God wants from me. Or I could view all these changes and problems as opportunities, possibilities. There's always the possibility that God has something different in mind- different than what you were thinking.

I am quite uncertain about what God is doing, right now, in my life. But I am not confused as to his motive and His plan: God wants me to learn to "appropriate risk and uncertainty" (The Shack) and by learning to live with all that I don't know or understand, still be certain of His love, still be completely unconfused as to the fact that he is FOR me. He leads me. There's no doubt about that in my mind. He loves me- there's occasional bits of doubt about that, yes; because there are times that are not so loving and comfortable. But oh, the opportunity to grow and trust Him!

Watch Me Dance

Sometimes just the sight of someone rejoicing and celebrating will provoke you to do the same- even if you think you don't currently have reason to celebrate. As one of my Mom's dear friends used to say, "It is never hypocritical to act the way God would want you to feel."

And so, last night, when my daughter and I returned from the movies (having used our two free tickets to see a musical that excelled in celebration even if it lacked in content), I waltzed into the house singing loudly and off-key and unashamedly. It felt so good to belt out a joyous sound, and I realized it's been a while since I majored in joy rather than in problem-solving.

Some people easily celebrate the little things in life, while others have to purpose in their heart to celebrate and rejoice. For some of us, celebrating and rejoicing can seem like a selfish, frivolous thing to do. But lately I've been learning that there is power in celebration. Mainly, I think, because celebration does not have to be done with all your ducks in a row, all your victories in plain sight. In fact, if you wait till you really think you have reason to celebrate, you might be waiting too long. You might go a long time without the wells of rejoicing springing up in your soul. And I know that I can't afford to be dried out. I can't make it if God's life-giving power to celebrate and overcome isn't manifesting in my life.

It's just like the verse that begins with "Believe in the Lord your God and you shall be established;..."(2 Chron. 20:20). The word "believe", here, means to be firm, stable, established. It's basically saying "Establish yourself in the Lord and you will be established." That's how powerful our belief, our conviction, is: it brings us in touch with the One who establishes us, who makes us stand tall and firm.

But you can apply this to the principle of celebration; especially the idea of celebrating by faith. Celebrate what God is doing in your life (even if you don't "see" it all) and you will feel like celebrating! Rejoice and you will be rejoicing. This isn't acting. This isn't fabricating the truth. This is manifesting the truth of which we do not yet see or feel. Because, remember:"It is never hypocritical to act the way God would want you to feel."

So today I'm celebrating breakthroughs and victories of all kinds. Things I don't even know yet. Because God is always up to something good in my life. It's just that sometimes you have to shout and rejoice and celebrate before you even see the victory.

You Won't Be Disappointed

The next couple weeks involve a LOT of running around, events, appointments, trips, decisions. I am gearing up for all this by not only doing a lot of shopping, event planning, stocking of the fridge, and making lists, but also by mentally preparing myself for good times, for celebrating and rejoicing. Just planning the graduation party for my son, alone, is a big feat of strategizing, facing parking challenges, selecting menu choices and preparing myself to run around serving food but at the same time run around with a big smile on my face. I can get so task-oriented that I forget why I am doing the task: that I am celebrating a milestone in my son's life and in our family's life as well. I can forget to enjoy the moment.

Whenever I get ready for an event, I am hopeful. I want to be hopeful. And I should be. But there's always that tinge of "But what if something goes wrong?". And for mothers, there's always that quick-to-action instinct that we have where we are ready to jump in at a moment's notice to fix anything that goes awry. We're ready to do damage control. We are hawk-eyed, on the look out for the least bit of unhappiness in someone, ready to turn that frown into a smile- as if we were a magician. We are often dealing with disappointed people, temporarily forgetting that we have our own disappointments as well.

But lately I have been thinking about this whole concept of disappointment. I have had a number of disappointments in my life- big ones and small ones. Everyone has had disappointments. But not everyone is aware of how these former disappointments have become the bedrock of their perspective. We often take one disappointment, add it to another one we've had, and we begin to have this inner attitude of "See? It never works out when you hope for more". We can develop a negative perspective of things, but tell ourselves that we are just being careful, guarded.

That's why I love how God challenges the Israelites in Isaiah 54. Israel complains of being forsaken, of being disappointed, and God tells them to, instead, prepare for hope, prepare for expansion. He speaks to the barren Israel and tells her to let go of the disappointment. "Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame..."(Is. 54:4a).

I love how, in the CEV version, it says it loud and clear: "You won't be disappointed". A lot of our disappointments come from missed appointments- times when we thought God would move and we took action...and fell flat on our face. Then there were times when God moved radically and quickly in our life and we stepped back into our comfort zone and refused to take the key, the open door He offered, because it led to the unknown, to the New, to the rough terrain of unexplored promised land. Everyone wants the promised land, but not everyone realizes that God often says, "You develop it". When He challenges us to receive something good that involves our rigorous stewardship we often answer with that age old excuse, "I can't".

Why is "I can't" an excuse rather than a plain admission of our capability? Because anything God calls us to, or leads us through, we can, most assuredly, do. We can prevail. We can enjoy the challenge. We can overcome. We can make it.

And that expectation of a good adventure with God is the beginning of us already connecting with hope and faith. Now we're on track. We've had our appointment with God's perspective and we see a bit more clearly, now. We see possibilities. We see God's hand ready to move on our behalf. We know, now, that we will not be disappointed.

So here I go into the day, a long list in hand, a flurry of activity ahead of me. I expect that it may be a challenging day, a very busy week. But I also expect there to be amazing moments where I "see" God nodding His head in approval as I open my mouth and laugh and rejoice in the midst of it all.

Review Sessions with My Father

Things are winding up, settling down, ending. The school year is ending, and for my son, his life as a high school student is over and his life as a college student begins in a couple months. But those are not the only big changes in our lives. We are going through transitions of various kinds. And when you're moving forward into new things, its good to review your past to see how you transitioned into new things before.

These last couple months I have been taking a bit of a journey into my recent past by looking through my old journals. I wanted to evaluate my weak spots- to look at where I was blind about things. Amazingly, this has been very encouraging as I have reviewed the last three years of my life and have "seen" where I fell, where I stayed down too long. I have had my eyes opened about my weak spots, yet I have not felt pummeled by God. It's been like a Review Session that God has graciously consented to oversee, but I'm the one who is choosing to bring these things up. As we begin going over where I have failed- there's revelation, there's regret, but there's no shame or agony that I can never change. I can change. He tells me all the time that I can.

The kind of Father that God is ...well, who can really understand the perfection of His identity as Father God. He is the perfect Father. He encourages and He corrects- and its done perfectly. When He admonishes us it is not for any reason other than to get us back in line with being under grace, walking in love, walking away from sin, and keeping our eyes on Him. He wants good for us and not evil. When we really understand that, it is not an excruciating thing, then, to ask God to review where you have gone wrong. You are asking Him this so that you can go right, so that you can get an "aha!" moment of understanding about where you may have been beating your head against a wall, and God was wincing as you did so because there was no gain in that kind of self-induced pain. God never gets a kick out of our suffering- for if He did, He would not be the pure hearted God that He is.

I found this passage in the book of Judges and was astonished over how God's heart is characterized here. In Judges 10:6 we find out that the Israelites were botching it up again, that "the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the Lord." God can't stand it when we're picking evil instead of good, when we spurn His help and seek after a man made substitute that will supposedly help us- be it alcohol, drugs, whatever you think is going to get you out of your predicament. If it's not God who you think is Your Answer, then you have chosen an idol. And so the Israelites are returning to God, finding a measure of peace, then botching it up and returning to sin, and living in bondage to their enemies. They then remember to cry out to God, after they have been beaten down, and here is where we get this amazing verse-

"...And His soul could no longer endure the misery of Israel" (Judges 10:16). The CEV version words it this way, "Finally, there came a time when the Lord could no longer stand to see them suffer." What they were going through was agonizing for God to watch. Those who are parents know what its like when we see our kids choose wrongly, and worse, when they choose what brings them down into the grips of something dangerous. It is agonizing to watch someone you love make themselves miserable, choose something dangerous, and yet refuse to choose the good you offer.

God, the Father, has a heart that loves and that grieves over our bad choices, our waywardness. God is not cool and aloof and detached from us. He loves us and that means that love "bears all things" even if its agonizing to see the one you love go plunging down into bad territory.

I've learned, then, that I can bring up my past times of waywardness- whether in thought or in deed- with God. We can talk about it. We can review my past, together. He's not eager to point out how badly I failed and to gloat over it. He does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices when I come to understand the truth. He wants me to choose well, to choose LIFE, to choose....HIM.

And the times when I have not done so,well...we need to talk about this. I can't sweep it under the rug and pretend that I lit up His face with joy when I went down into the dark and stayed there. So I'm looking at my past so that I can look forward. I'm trying to see what I may not want to see, but what I need to if I'm going to progressively walk in the light. Part of that light just may be the glow of joy that emanates from God when He sees us walking wisely, loving Him, ... choosing well.

Wait!

Our son got back last night from a five-day senior trip he took with his class to Virginia. It was like a trial run, for us, finding out what it feels like with him gone. When he's away at college next year, thirteen hours away by car ride, this is what it will feel like in our house: it will feel unnaturally quiet, calm, and a tad boring I think. Our son certainly livens up our home. (He's a creative techno-genius who plays his music loud and is usually engrossed in some media project where I have to make him come up for air!)

Our daughter missed him terribly, and even the dog had gastro-intestinal problems all week, nervous and confused with Alex gone. Harry laid on his bed, daily, and looked out the window for "his boy" to come home. When our son returned last night, we fed him some homemade banana bread I had made that afternoon, and listened to his account of his time away. It was so good to have him back.

Waiting for him to return got me thinking about the subject of waiting, in general. I've never liked waiting and I have to confess that I've never seen much redemptive value in it. I know its necessary to wait for good things, but I've always felt that waiting was like taking medicine: you do it because you have to, not because it's a pleasant experience.

But this morning I was drawn to this verse from Isaiah 30, and I noticed something I hadn't "seen" before. We are not the only ones who do a lot of waiting. God waits too- and He waits purposefully. He waits- not because He has to, not because He is forced to, but because He longs to be gracious to us. So He therefore waits for opportunities to display His goodness. He waits for us to be ready for Him so that He can make "Good happen"in our lives.

"And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!" Isaiah 30:18 Amplified

When I first looked up this verse to check the Hebrew word for "wait", I thought the "waiting" that God did might be different than the waiting we have to do, but it's not so. God waits or tarries (in Hebrew chakah ) to be good to us, and we are blessed when we wait (chakah) for Him.

If He can do it, so can I- the waiting, that is. If God can bear to wait for us, if He can wait and long for us to perceive His presence and His heart toward us, then I can surely wait for Him with great expectation and anticipation. I can wait for God to manifest His power in my life- and the waiting doesn't have to be a negative experience. I can wait with anticipation, wondering What will God do next?! How will He do it? What amazing thing does He want to do in my life?

Remember that line from that song- "Anticipation is making me wait"? Well, it's not anticipation that keeps me waiting. It's the God Who does great things who makes me want to wait for Him, for whatever He does next. And as I wait, I'm quite busy preparing myself- body, mind, and spirit- to grab ahold of what He's going to do. Because let me tell you, it's going to be amazing.

That's How It Will Be

Several people have asked about my son being so far away from home next year when he goes off to college, inquiring about how I feel about this. I can tell you how I feel about it now: I feel grateful to God that my son has found a place that inspires him, that it has the programs in Media that he loves, that it has a campus setting where true hospitality and warmth and friendly relationships are evident . As to how I'll feel in the middle of next year, I'm not quite sure. It's uncertain what the ramifications of the great physical distance between us will be.

This morning I opened up to today's devotional reading in Oswald Chamber's book, My Utmost for His Highest, and this is what I read from April 29th's entry: "Our natural inclination is to be so precise- trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next- that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing." Oh yes, Mr. Chambers, I know what you're talking about here.

That's really the underlying issue when we talk about Surrender: what will happen when I surrender to God? If I give my life to Christ, will I be sent to some hut in the uttermost end of the earth? If I surrender the situation I'm in- to God- will He work the situation out or will He give me different feelings about it or the ability to cope with it? (and maybe you don't want the ability to cope with it- you want it solved!!).

I always come back to a little verse in Proverbs that I love: "The desire of the righteous is only good, But the expectation of the wicked is wrath" (Prov 11:23 NASB). Another way of zeroing in on the parallel between what a God-loving person wants and feels and what a person who rejects God has in sight is that one word "expectation". My expectation is that God is good and He does only good, not evil. While His ways don't always appear good or easy, I am repeatedly told in Scripture that not only are His ways higher than mine, but His essence and His work is- and has always been- good. First thing in the garden of Eden we read that God does a work of creating things and they're GOOD. From the first command of "let there be light" we see that God immediately declares and summarizes his work and the result of His work as good. "God looked at the light and saw that it was good."(Gen 1:4).

Now of course there are many times that at the start of an ugly situation we might mistakenly call it good- and we shouldn't. Or we might wrongly conclude that God wants something out of us in a situation and that isn't what He is doing. But in spite of uncertainty as to the complexity of God's ways and His thoughts, I know they are GOOD. And ultimately I will see and experience this good. Ultimately, or perhaps in Heaven, I will "see" the good when I didn't see it before. But my gut belief has to be settled on this topic because it continually comes up over and over again. While I may be uncertain as to what God is doing, what He is trying to extract out of me (like getting wine out of grapes), I know that what He IS and what He DOES is only good.


So when we talk about Surrender, we have to address our underlying question about what happens when we surrender to God: our underlying question is "Will it be good?". We want to know what God will do- but we won't know His plan in total. We won't know the myriad of ways He is trying to reach us, get through to us, grow us, mature us. There is uncertainty about what He will do, yes. But there's no uncertainty about HOW IT WILL BE: IT WILL BE GOOD.

God does no evil or harm to your soul. Settle that once and for all and you will be a person who looks at the future, who looks at the unknown, and takes God's hand and declares: I serve a good God. May it be unto me according to Your will.

And then you smile and look forward.

Name them One by One

We had a quiet Easter celebration yesterday. After church, my Dad and my brother Mark came over for our afternoon dinner of Roast Chicken with cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, squash, fruit salad, and then a homemade lemon cheesecake that my daughter and I quickly put together. It's amazing what cream cheese, sugar, lemons, eggs, and a pie crust can do when they all come together.

When evening came, my teenage son Alex was still working on an English project. He thought he'd be done by 11pm, he told me. We all went to sleep-except for him. At 1am I woke up and realized I never heard Alex come up.

"What are you doing still up?" I hissed down the stairs to him.

"I'm still working on the project. It's taking me longer than I thought."

At 2:30am, he was still not up- even though I was. I could not sleep. My son's management of his time has always concerned me. Alarmed me, really. I can't imagine how he will make it through even one week of college, next year. He'll probably pull three all-nighters in a row and then pass out cold. Then they'd have to call an ambulance, call me,.....but wait. I can't go there. I've already been admonished about this. Gently- but firmly-admonished.

It happened around 2:30am when I fitfully tossed and turned, waiting to hear my son finally get in bed. I started to think about how sick he gets (he has asthma) when he is not sleeping or eating well. Then I started to worry about other things I have to deal with. I quickly had a list of things that concerned me. The list kept growing as I tossed and turned and fidgeted. Then I heard the Lord whisper to my soul, "Count your blessings instead of your worries. Name them...right now."

It's very hard to shift from worrying to meditating on blessings. Especially with lack of sleep and a bit of maternal anxiety in your soul. But I thought rather smugly, Of course I can name my blessings. I couldn't. I named two, to start- our health, the roof over our heads, and then I faltered a bit. Not because there weren't more, but because I wasn't used to doing it. I realized rather quickly that it wasn't hard to worry and list off all my concerns. No, that was easy for me to do. But to start listing my blessings and my bonuses in life- that took me some time to think about. I hesitated. I fumbled. I named a few more...and I then I just stopped and admitted the truth to God- I am rusty at this, aren't I, Lord?

There's an old song, "Count your blessings, name them one by one..." and it seems rather Pollyanna-like and sugary sweet to sing this song in this day and age. You feel rather childlike when you sing a song about blessings- as if you're sitting on a swing in the sunshine,licking an ice cream cone, and naming all your favorite flavors. And that's just what God is talking to me about. He's daring me to be childlike and trusting. He's daring me to hope for the best, think the best, believe the best.

And if God can't get my attention in the daylight hours, He will talk to me in the wee hours of the night. It's a good message that He has for me. It's a message of hope and change and deliverance. It's a message that puts the spring back in your step. In fact, there's a lot of ways I can describe His liberating power, at work in us, that helps us overcome. Let me count the ways.

The P Word

Getting the Blogging with a Purpose award from Angela, yesterday, came just as I was dealing with another P word called Platform. I know why I'm gun shy about this word. When I think of platform, I think of a stage. And when I think of a stage, I think of having to perform. It all started with having a theatrical mother (who was formerly an entertainer in the USO). Every time we would have company my mother would make my two sisters and I perform a little song or dance- or preferably, in her eyes, both. I still have an aversion to anything that makes me have to "show my stuff" to a clapping audience. Yet I am facing this word more and more, and probably you are too.

For writers, you have to have a platform before a publisher will seriously look at your book proposal. Bloggers have to build a platform if they want their blog read by more than their mother and their best friend. Those who are job hunting have to have a platform- it's called their resume. And it better look good.

A platform is what man builds in order to be seen and heard. These are your accomplishments, your statistics (big numbers, people, they must be big numbers), your publishing credits, your sphere of influence quantified and qualified.

A platform is not evil, in and of itself. I shouldn't be super-spiritual and silly about the need for business credentials, the need for marketing, the need to follow business rules. But I have to tell you, I am stumbling over this whole thing of needing to build a platform. This word makes me almost think of putting my pen down or giving my typing fingers an eternal rest. It's a word that many believe is their open door. And it is part of the open door we need. Part. But there's something else we should be considering, besides having a powerful platform.

I think of Mother Teresa: she wound up with a platform upon which she spoke to the world at large, to kings and presidents, to dignitaries and to the dying. I remember one message of hers vividly. It was 1994. I was in the hospital, three and a half months pregnant. Abby was in my womb- but the doctors said she would not make it. They told my husband Bill to prepare for me miscarrying the baby any day. I lay in the hospital bed, quiet and resigned to the peril I was in. The TV was on and I saw Mother Teresa speaking at a President's Prayer Breakfast, I believe. She spoke with power, waving a bony finger and admonishing us to love, to love our unborn, and that a nation that aborts its children is not a nation that loves; that we can't piously say we want to help those dying in the streets, yet we don't want to spare those dying in the womb.

She rallied my spirits. Faith arose in me. I must not faint, I thought. I must not resign myself to loss and death before I had yet begun to fight. The end of this story is that Abby, our precious daughter, was miraculously spared. Not just once, either. Twice I wound up rushed to the hospital and the words were spoken over me that it was all over. But there was no power in those words. Though they were spoken from a medical platform of expertise and knowledge, they did not know all, see all, understand all. No matter how big your platform is, you are still, just a man, just a woman, speaking about what you know- in part. It's always in part.

So even if I build a platform, and accomplish such spectacular statistics proving that people listen to me, hear me, read my words- what is that to me? I speak in part. I speak in glimpses of seeing through a glass dimly. And if once in a while I see so clearly that I cry out, "Look!", and if more eyes turn to Him because I have a big platform, then more are induced to see Him. But it's Him and His outstretched hand that all were looking for, looking at, in the first place.


(I have to pass this "Blogging with Purpose" award on, but I feel reticent about awarding it to just a few when so many are blogging with purpose. If any of my visitors would like to accept this award and pledge themselves to continuing onward, please leave your comment here. Think of it as a commitment to persevere in writing and blogging for the PURPOSE of building up people in the truth of God's Love and Grace. )

All Aboard

Here we are. It's the New Year! 2008. I have entered it bleary eyed, exhausted, and with a racing heart. Not because I drank or partied last night, but for some very mundane reasons.

We watched Sense and Sensibility last night- Bill, Abby, and I. (And Harry. He loves English movies and finds the decorum and the tea times quite refreshing). It's a great way to end the old year with a movie about character, love, commitment, passion, and hope in spite of the odds. One of my favorite movies, in fact.

The movie ended (it was a DVD) at 11:55pm. We turned on the T.V., watched the ball drop in Times Square, said Happy New Year to each other, and then Abby went to her bed. Bill got the phone call we expected, that our son did need a ride home after all, and Bill went to get Alex from the party he was at. When Bill got home, we all finally flopped in bed by 1am. Or at least I thought we all had flopped in bed.

At 2am, I hear a rustle- it's Alex and he's still up. "Get to bed" I whisper, after I got up, went to his room, found the lights on and my son walking around as if it was three in the afternoon.

At 3am, I wake up again. This time it's because Harry is barking- loudly. He never barks at night, but because of the fireworks going off at a neighbors house, he is unsettled and jumpy. I pet him and soothingly whisper, "Go back to sleep".

At around 4am I wake up, AGAIN, to a loud crunching, scratching noise. My dear friend, the visiting hungry mouse, has returned and is eating the corner outside wall of my bedroom. Lovely. I pound the floor, and then hit the wall to scare the mouse. He keeps on eating. Loudly. I go back to sleep.

All the while, each time I wake up, I find my heart is racing. There must have been caffeine in the soda I had last night. That was my celebratory drink I had with the popcorn we ate last night. I feel panicky when my heart races.I lie down and try to calm my nerves, my heart, my mind. Eventually I sleep. For a couple hours.

When I wake to the sound of Bill making coffee, I feel more exhausted than when I first went to sleep. But it's the New Year. I feel excited and relieved that the old year is over. I am resolved that this year is a year of promise,potential, and possibilities. I have determined to start this year with an attitude of expectation, even if I am exhausted.

So when I read just now, in the book of Daniel, about this young man of purpose and conviction, I see some startling secrets for progress and victory that I can grab hold of. In Daniel 1:8 we find that he "purposed" in his heart not to eat the King's delicacies, not to defile himself- for whatever reasons he had.What sticks out at me is the word "purposed". In several other translations, the other words used are: resolved, made up his mind, determined.

Daniel had made a resolution- and it wasn't even New Year's Eve for him. It was a time when he had an opportunity before him, a challenge and eventually a crisis- and this young man began his time in the king's court with a resolution: I will not defile myself.

For us this could mean we will not defile our hopes with looking backward at our failures, or that we will not defile our dignity by speaking negatively and critically to ourself. My biggest resolve, as I start this New Year, is just to see this year as a gift. A year of opportunities. A year of growth, change, challenge, and potential. I've made up my mind that I cannot afford to waste a single day.

So, tired as I am, I feel invigorated at the chance to step into a New Year. "New" anything always gets me stirred up. A new day, a clean slate, a new book to read, a fresh pillowcase to sleep on smelling like lavender and vanilla, or a new puppy (what I'm thinking about getting!)- these are all wonderful gifts from a God who makes all things NEW (Rev. 21:5).This word "new" in Greek refers to freshness, not so much age.

That's what I want, this year. A fresh outlook- especially about myself. After all, God is at work in my life, in me, and I have got to perceive this. I've got to- if I want to step out, and rise up, and run and not be weary.

So here I am, on this first day of the New Year. I am focusing in on the "S" in my Banner of RISK. I am going to "see" things I have never seen before, mainly because I am going to have eyes to see. I have resolved to see God at work, really see Him like I never have before.

I can almost hear Him saying to me, "Well, I'm glad you are finally on board."