Judgment Day is Already Here

The good thing about this past year of economic distress and upheaval is that many of us have done a re-evaluation of what's important to us, what we need, what we can let go of, what really matters in the end.

If you didn't lose your job this year, you probably know someone who did. If you didn't tighten your belt, you probably know a family who has had to. But even if the nation's economic crisis hasn't hit home hard with you, undoubtedly it has affected you in some way.

My first instinct, when any type of crisis occurs, is to get through it. But after I've gone through a crisis- whether it's a health crisis or a financial crisis- then there's a need I have to know what I've gained from this tense situation. Did I learn anything? Is there something I needed to know- that I didn't know when the crisis was occurring? Is there something I gleaned from the situation?

Because, really, in my mind, why not at least benefit, in some way, from a crisis? Especially if you did not bring the crisis on yourself (that's a whole 'nother story), then why not get something good out of something painful? Why not really believe that "all things work together for good...." as Romans 8:28 explains.

This past year, my husband and I have hurdled over some tough times, blazed through some mental barricades, and struggled with some issues within us and around us that we knew we needed to deal with. We needed to not only make some decisions, but we actually had to make some judgment calls.

Oh, but that's a bad word to use around the Christian community! "Judge not that ye be not judged" will ring out before you can even explain what you're making a judgment on. You might even start to think that anything remotely having to do with making a judgment is bad- and therefore you could start to think you should never: make a decision, reach a conclusion, draw a boundary line in a relationship, or do anything related to deciding, discerning, evaluating, examining.

There's no basis for that type of erroneous thinking, though, if you look at 1 Corinthians 2: 9-16. The one line from this passage that make s a lot of Christians shudder is "But he who is spiritual judges all things, yet he himself is rightly judged by no one." The CEV version words it this way, "People who are guided by the Spirit can make all kinds of judgements....".

Really? We can? We can make judgments on things that happen to us, situations we're in? God has given us His Spirit and this Spirit is a light within us, it's a lamp unto our feet, yes, and also a sword that slices through situations. It's not a kiddy light made of cheap plastic, that only works for a moment and then it's worthless.

I love how the CEV version highlights the benefit of having God's Spirit within us: "we can recognize the blessings that God has given us". Oh, I see! And if, by God's discerning Spirit within you, you can recognize the good blessings He means for you to have, by this very same Spirit you will also discern and see what is NOT God's will, what is not good for you, what is not advisable or helpful or instrumental in you growing in faith.

We make judgments so that we can conclude correctly what is of God and what is not of God or not God's will (or at least conclude that we're not sure what His will is, in certain situations). We make judgment calls because if we don't we become people who never have an opinion, a conclusion, or the ability to close a door that should be closed. We are people who CAN make judgments, who've been freed to make judgments, and therefore we will be "scrutinizing, examining, and investigating spiritual value and implications" (CEV commentary).

If something has value in your life, you have to see it, decide it's worth or recognize it's worth. The implications of what you choose and what you do not choose to think, do, believe, accept, reject- are vast. Your mental health is at stake. Your faith is at stake. Your understanding of God's will, His love, His ways of dealing with us, are all at stake here. These are the implications of everything we choose and don't choose. And no choice is made without a judgment call first.

What You Need to Know

There's something to be said for keeping some information close to your chest. I say that not referring to being overly private or snobbish but because I just watched the newer BBC version of Jane Austen's Persuasion, for the second time, and I noticed something for the first time.

Between sipping my vanilla ice cream and banana milkshake that my daughter made for us, and being wedged in between my husband and daughter and Harry, who was lying on my feet, I suddenly saw this issue in the movie- this sub theme having to do with what we know and what we don't know.

People, back then, had a certain decorum when it came to releasing information or news. There was a certain timing to when you shared things and how you released the news, and this was seen as a good thing. You didn't just announce to the world at large certain updates in your life. No, there was a certain timing for when you'd share with a larger audience what was going on in your life, what was going on in your heart, even.

This did cause certain problems though. In the case of Captain Wentworth and his undying love for Anne Elliot, because he was misinformed, "utterly misinformed" about his conclusion that she was going to marry her cousin, his hope for declaring his love to her (for the second time) was dashed to smithereens- for a brief moment. He was wrong about what he thought was going to happen because while nobody had announced Anne's engagement to her cousin, society had seen the signs of a pending union and had intimated that it was to take place.

Dashed hopes occur when you think you have no chance of something you long for. But you just might be misinformed about the situation. It seems to me that while God is not particularly known as as having a style of 19th century behavior, He does tend to keep certain information close to His chest, close to His heart. He doesn't just share any old thing with you, whenever you want to know it, for whatever reason you think you need to know it.

God discloses certain needed information to you at just the right time. The thing is, the Right Time is His time, and its not tied in with common societal expectations, social customs, or anything like that. For the most part, we have no idea about what motivates Him to share important information with us. We've heard He is motivated out of love to guide and help us and answer our prayers. But God is also a God of wisdom. Wisdom has to do with timing, strategy, insight, knowledge, perception, discretion...shall I go on?

How much insight and knowledge can we actually handle? Apparently we can handle little of it. We'd like to be worthy of God bending down and sharing secrets with us, but we may not be ready for God to share too many things with us. It could cause problems for us because we're not ready to know what God knows about us and what God knows about our future.

So I sipped my frothy banana shake last night and contemplated how God might just love me so much that He is telling me little. And when He does disclose certain needed information to me, He loves me that much too.

He always knows just what I can handle.

The Big V

I've had a very interesting start to this New Year. It seems like a lot of shifting and shaking and then settling has occurred in certain relationships and now things seem a little clearer and obvious. By clearer I don't necessarily mean better or improved or enjoyable- but a lot of hidden things have been brought to the surface.

Cream will rise to the top, but so will problems and old issues. Maybe it's like doing some much needed house cleaning and you suddenly find out that back behind your stove, things are pretty bad. But you can now deal with it (such as invite your friends to come over and see what a lousy stove-cleaner you've been). Or clean it (in stoic silence and nobody will be the wiser after you've done your cleaning). Or just decide to ignore it (in which case the world won't fall apart at the thought of your dirty stove and neither will you).

Last night Abby and I watched the first half of Tess of the d'Urbervilles on Masterpiece Theatre. Abby wasn't too sold on this gloomy look at Victorian England's morals and biases, and by the end of this first segment aired, I decided "Enough!" as well. It is beautifully filmed and there's some interesting symbolism and authorial protests about the time, but it's also just plain depressing.

One television critic aptly described what was bothering me the whole time I watched the movie- it was Tess's "perpetual vulnerability" that seemed to haunt me, encourage me, scare and plague me. How vulnerable do I want to be? How vulnerable should I be? And what about the sub culture we're in- and how it defines vulnerability? Some people call it being completely honest and transparent. Some people think it's foolishness to be so vulnerable and overexposed. Some people prey on other's vulnerability and some people praise it. In terms of computer security, vulnerability has to do with a weakness in the system whereby you are open to a lot of problems, bugs, and viruses.

I'm not sure Scripture talks much about this trait of vulnerability, even though many professing Christians seem to be characterized by excessive vulnerability. (I could even be one of those confessing vulnerable ones). It certainly isn't listed as one of the fruit of the Holy Spirit, for example. If anything, I almost wonder if Jesus was alluding to this susceptibility to unnecessary exposure to trouble when He said to "be as wise as a serpent and as gentle (innocent) as a dove" (Matthew 10:16).

Both of these comparisons intrigue me and challenge me. It's not exactly a comforting thought to be compared to a snake in anything (unless you happen to be a snake lover). But it seems Jesus is getting at the discreet nature of a snake that has to plan when it strikes out and when it needs to quietly slither away. Likewise, when He mentions the dove, is He alluding to its innocence and purity ( a more obvious upfront conclusion) or something else as well? The Greek word akeraios not only means "innocent" but "unmixed" as well. And the first thing I think of is pure motives verses mixed motives.

Is vulnerability a good thing? And what about godly people, or people who are trying to know God- is vulnerability a sign of something intrinsically good in you, or something in you that is inviting trouble?

I think I often share (quickly share) some of my weaknesses, upfront, with people because it seems to set the stage better for their not being aghast, later, at what they find out about me. On the other hand, I can be guarded and private and a resolutely flaming introvert who demands privacy and a certain amount of cloistering away of my soul. At times I think I am too vulnerable, and at times I don't think I've been honest and "unmixed" at all.

Who's to say that the topic of vulnerability will lead us anywhere enlightening, but I'd really like to know if you struggle with this issue or if you see yourself clearly on one side of it. Cause all I know right now is that I have a dirty stove that needs to be cleaned, relational issues I have to sort through, and a disclaimer that all this talk of vulnerability started simply because I saw Tess of the d'Urbervilles's big eyes and vulnerable heart- and didn't know what to think after that.

Just Checking to See If You're Okay

An incident with the police, yesterday, made me think about how many people are lost or in trouble. Some people can be burdened, lost, and going astray- but they're not going to shout out for help. They may keep a smile plastered on their face even while their soul is plunging into an abyss. Then there are others who look lost, look like they're not doing that well- and well, they're just fine. Really.

My son drove his car to the dentist appointment I had scheduled for him and his sister yesterday morning so that he could leave when his appointment was done and I would stay with Abby and take her home. This was the first time my son was driving into this city where our dentist practises. I had to give Alex written directions so that he could leave from there and get to his school where he was meeting a teacher to help him with a power point presentation.

Right after Alex left the dentist, I got a phone call from him telling me he was lost and asking for directions. I explained how to get to the main highway from where I thought he was. Then Abby and I finished up at the dentist and drove home. Later in the day I got another phone call from Alex. He wanted to touch base, let me know where he was, and when he'd be home.

"By the way, I got pulled over by the police," he said.

"Alex!" I clutched the phone and wondered if he had been speeding. He's a pretty good driver,not crazy, not known for racing or anything. What had he done wrong?

"Mom, I got lost after leaving the dentist. I pulled into a parking lot and that's when I called you. But just after I hung up the phone, a cop drove by, saw me parked there, and then circled around and came back. He came up to my window and asked me what I was doing. 'What you got there, son?' he said. He thought I was smoking pot or something like that!"

"That's what cops are always on the lookout for: teenage boys partying in cars. Where exactly were you parked?" I asked.

"Well, it looked like a warehouse or closed up store. I was the only car in the parking lot."

"No wonder the cop was suspicious. What did he say next?"

"After he suggested that I was smoking pot and I told him No, that I was just talking on the phone with my Mom because I was lost and asking for directions, he smiled as if to say, 'Sure you were, kid'. Then he looked at the blankets in the back seat of the car and asked me if I was living out of my car. I told him, 'No, they're there because my Mom makes me keep blankets in the car in case I ever break down and get caught in a blizzard or something."

At this point I was smiling, thinking that the cop must believe my son is an incredible story teller or that my son has an obsessive-compulsive , protective mother!

"Did he believe you about the blankets?" I asked.

"I'm not sure he was getting it, yet, that I'm not that kind of kid. But then he asked me where I was heading, and I told him I was on my way to my school, told him the name of my school- XXXXX Christian School- and that I was going to be helping my Math Teacher with a computer project for his ministry presentation. I think that's when the Cop finally realized that it was all adding up. I really was just a teenager who was lost temporarily. That's all."

"Alex, you're a good kid," I said, choking up with emotion. He could have been a lost teenager- really lost. I would still love him and fight for him to get back on track if he was spiritually and emotionally lost. But as it was, he was just temporarily, physically lost. But this is how it first looked to the cop: a lone car, parked in a deserted parking lot, a teenager in the car, maybe a teen running away, on drugs, living out of his car. But it wasn't that way. Alex's situation looked worse than what it was.

But there are some who look like they're doing better than what they are, yet they're not doing well at all. They're heavy hearted, frightened, or overwhelmed. Some are in a crisis. You may not see them parked alone in a parking lot. You might see them instead rushing to work, partying at a fraternity, working out at the Gym or volunteering at their kids' school. You might see them bringing home a fat paycheck, but also bringing home a heart burdened beyond belief.

I'm glad that cop was just doing his job- checking out a scene that could have been a different story. If someone I love is lost, I want people to help find them. I want to know that people are asking questions, lovingly investigating something that looks suspicious, or something that seems...well, not right.

You may be doing just fine, yet temporarily be lost and confused. But you know you'll be okay if you stay connected with a loved one, if you keep talking to a friend and asking for directions, asking for help, for prayer.

But if you're not doing that well, I know you're not going to wear a sign that says, "I'm in trouble. Please Help Me Out." We are not good at asking for help when we are starting to fall down. And many of us are afraid to ask if we can be of any help. We don't want to intrude. We want to respect people's privacy. We think someone will be offended if we ask how they really are doing.

Ask anyhow. Somebody who is really lost, really hurting, is waiting for you to investigate the scene of their trouble. They need someone who cares and shows they care. But it's not because you're a cop that you're looking into the scene. It's because you're a friend, a mother, a teacher, maybe- and you see that someone might possibly be going down, stumbling, falling. There are not yet obvious signs that they are, but you think you detect a look in their eye of desperation or pain. You see their shoulders sagging. Something isn't quite right. Ask them, "Are you doing okay? Cause if you're not, I care that you're hurting. And I want you to know that."

They may wave you on, laughing that they're just fine. And they may be. Or they may get quiet and then with a deep breath, start to tell you what's wrong. But if they shrug off your concern, or even act like they're offended that you think they are not appearing strong, don't be alarmed that they walk off rejecting your concern. One thing they will not mutter to themselves is "No one cares about me at all"- they can't say that. And it will stick in their mind and heart- that someone really cares about them- even if they're not yet ready to accept it.

Divine Lessons from French 101

Sometimes God speaks to my heart in the strangest of ways. What I mean, actually, is that it might seem strange to others but it is very real and normal for me to hear God speaking to me through a word picture, a verse, and- in the case of this morning- in French. I only had a couple years of French in High School, along with classes in Spanish. Then in college I took one more year of French, bumbled around with it, and left that language behind to go further with Spanish.

But certain French phrases remained with me. One of them was spoken to me this morning. By God. Quietly. I suddenly remembered my French, and more than that, I got the gist of what God was saying to me as several different Scriptures came to my mind right after God whispered to my heart, Regardez-vous. It brought to mind my French professor, at the blackboard, about to write a new phrase for us to learn or a new vocabulary word. You would sit up and take notice when he said, Regardez-vous!

"Look! Watch!" God was saying to my heart.What did God want me to watch for? Things have been rather slow and dull in my life. Bill and I were talking about this, this morning, about the areas of our life that we felt were a bit stagnant and flat. We want to pursue God into fruitful labor but we weren't sure if we were seeing the picture correctly, or even seeing ourselves correctly.

Several things came to my mind about the word Regard. "To regard someone highly" means that you would notice someone; you would see all their outstanding qualities when you regarded them, such as in Phil. 2:29 when Paul admonishes them to hold Epaphroditus " in high regard". Proverbs 13:18 tells us not to ignore correction but that "he who regards a rebuke will be honored." Then there's that beautiful verse, Psalm 138:6, "Though the Lord is on high, yet He regards the lowly; but the proud He knows from afar."

You can't regard something till you first notice it. I think when we've been waiting for God to move in our life in a new way, when we wait a long time for something to start or something to take off, we can grow weary and relaxed in our sense of anticipation. Soon we don't notice anything God is doing- or we don't credit Him with what He is doing in our life- because we've forgotten to regard His faithfulness to us. We're convincedthat if God is going to move in our life, He is going to do it sloooowly because that's His preferred mode of operation! We believe that- because it seems to be the case. The reality is- we are in need of God moving at a gentle, slow speed. We are not at all ready for a big move of God, a sudden surprise. We think we are- but we're not.

Last night, on the T.V. Show, American Idol, one of the judges spoke about the contestants not being ready at all for the sudden fame and stardom that their lives would experience. It was intimated that these young people couldn't possibly know how to prepare for it because they had never really experienced anything close to the powerful swell of popularity and fame that was coming their way. Each week that this show goes on is another week for the contestants to get used to the camera, the voting, the fickle nature of the audience, the roar of the crowd. It's good that this happens slowly.

Now, you and I are not on this show (unless you happen to be one of the American Idol contestants reading this, and if so, get back to your voice lessons. You've got work to do!). Our slow stride to fruitfulness and productivity is probably out of the spotlight of notoriety. Nevertheless, we all want to make progress. We all want to be fruitful and flourishing.

God hears me ask, Can we make this process go a little bit faster? He smiles His answer and tells me to Watch Him, then. Notice Him . See Him at work in my life. God is telling me to get my eyes off of all the supposed indicators of my progress and put my attention directly on Him. Regardez vous!

Every time we regard highly the work of God in our life- in whatever area of our life we see it- we honor Him and identify Him as the Author and Finisher of our Faith. Every time I notice the hand of God, the touch of God, in my life or in your life, I call attention to Him, and give Him the credit due His Name. I demonstrate that I am watching carefully for His coming, His touch, His work in my life, in this world.

It behooves me to return to class with a sense of anticipation. Yes, I have learned many lessons already. But every day there is another important lesson the Teacher has for me. I show Him that I believe this is true- and that great things are about to happen- because I am all ears, my eyes on Him, my heart racing in anticipation.

Regardez-vous! To everyone who responds to His call for our attention, there is a reward: we get to see the God of Heaven move mountains here on earth. We move those mountains with Him. At the sound of His voice. "At the impulse of thy love". Whenever He tells us to take a step forward. Because we are watching Him intently.

Quiet Time

Call it a Quiet Time Out ...for Grown Ups. No, I haven't been bad. (Well, by that I mean I haven't been bumbling around in my human failing any more so than usual). But I have been asking God to speak to my heart, to speak to the issues I have brought before Him. And I think that before I can hear Him, I have to dial down, quiet my heart, and welcome a silent period where I finally have nothing to say, but a lot to learn.

I'm not sure if my husband has noticed that lately I am asking fewer questions when we have our morning coffee. I am not even writing much in my journal. Ideas for books and articles, and for new teaching workshops have quieted down to a whisper. I don't have a million ideas running through my mind like I normally do. I especially don't have the physical energy, now that my back muscles are slo-o-owly healing. So maybe this is what God is "working together for good"- my bad back, my tongue becoming silent, my eyes on Him- because where else do Answers come from?!

When we were kids, my family watched the movie, The King and I, starring Yul Brenner, and I swear that my father learned way too much from that King of Siam. It was around that time that my Dad started to adopt pithy phrases that quickly let us know the main point he was making. One phrase he would say as sternly and majestically as the King of Siam did was, "If you listen, you will learn!" We joke about it, even to this day.

But on a serious note, that's not how God is speaking to me. It's not like He is severely admonishing me to cease talking and sit up straight if I want to hear the secrets of life. It's more like God is saying, "Lauren, are you done talking, done trying to figure it all out?Because if you're done projecting and analyzing possibilities, I have a few things I'd like to share with you."

He knows that there comes a time when we have to run out of steam and come to the point where we voluntarily say, I really do want to listen, Lord. I have no ideas of my own anymore. He knows that what I desperately want more than anything is wisdom. I want to be discerning of the hand of God in my life, and to "see" the open doors He provides even though they don't look open in the way I would have thought.

"For those who love what you reveal, everything fits—
no stumbling around in the dark for them. " Psalm 119:165 The Message

God is not short on desire to reveal His will for our lives. We have the general will of God in Scripture.But then there are times in our lives when we need a little more guidance in specific areas. In these areas I want to do all I can to hear God's counsel and to appropriate it, benefit from it, and rejoice that God doesn't want us stumbling around in the dark.

One Scripture that my younger sister quoted to me, over twenty years ago, when Bill and I were first embarking on pastoral ministry in small New England towns, was a Proverb that has always made me take a deep breath of hope and peace.

"But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day" Prov.4:18.

So even if I get quieter and quieter as I wait on God to speak, to clarify, to point me in the way I should go, I know that my path will get brighter and brighter. I think that's a good exchange. And my family is quite happy about the arrangement as well.

Your Turn Around is Just Ahead

It's late Saturday morning and I am propped up in bed, with the lap top, Harry lying next to me, and Bill downstairs doing that dreaded work of filing and sorting of all the bills and paperwork that I have not dealt with for weeks. (Now that's just one of the many reasons why I appreciate that man so much!)Alex is still asleep and Abby just woke up.

I am contemplating so many things right now. And since it's a Saturday and my back is telling me not to go zooming into the day, I am authorizing for myself a time to write, think, pray, ponder. Bill and I already had our early morning chat together. It felt like a summit meeting. We are endeavoring to not return to any strongholds of the past, any faulty thinking or incorrect conclusions.

One of the things I shared with the women on Thursday night was that while there are many myths and lies about having to maintain an image, Paul tells us in Corinthians that "we are not unaware of the devil's schemes." That's right, we are not supposed to be in the dark about what he tries to do to prompt us to return to darkness and defeat.

Once you articulate some of the myths that we often believe, then its time to assess where these lies might be carried out in your own life. You don't have to do this with a wagging, scolding finger pointed at yourself, but rather with a sense of relief over having detected where you are going wrong.

Recently I have been pondering an interesting phrase-"turned the captivity". God turned the captivity of Job when he prayed for his friends, Scripture tells us. "When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like those who dreamed" it tells us in Psalm 126. I'm convinced that when we've been in a desert season for a long time, for whatever reasons, that we might not detect that its our time to come out of captivity and come into a season of refreshing, a season of harvest after years of no reaping but yet, continual sowing.

When God turns our captivity, He restores what the locusts have eaten. When God "turned" Job's captivity, He restored Job's fortune and family life. It says God restored it when Job prayed for his friends (who were,in my mind, lousy friends, starting out right by staying with him and then adding to his pain with their projections of why he incurred wave upon wave of tragedy).

When God turned it around for Job, it implies that it happened the moment he prayed, yet the manifestation of the turnaround took some time. So here's the predicament: when we've been purposing to walk in faith, watching over our heart and our mindset, there can come a time where we've left the bondage of the past but we haven't yet seen the manifestation of what we've contended for, what we've believed for in the face of opposing, supposed evidence.

When Job obeyed God because he believed God, and he interceded for his friends, Job might have enthusiastically declared, "Now watch what God is going to do in my life. He's going to turn it all around!". And if he did say something like that, and his friends stayed around to watch, how long did it take to see this turn around? How long did it take for Job's captivity to turn into fertile fields, thousands of animals grazing on hills, children running around in laughter, his health restored, his gold and silver replenished? Did God do it in a night? In a year? In a decade? I don't know. I just know God did it.

That tells me that you can't always tell when your turn around is taking place. It might be so slow of a thing that you're tempted to think you're still captive of your past. The enemy of your soul might show up and taunt you with "You really think God is going to get you out of your prison of pain? You really think He'll do all that He says?!?"

This is one of those times where we don't need to play nice. We just need to tell the enemy where he can go. And then we need to fix our eyes on what God says is ahead- our release, our right to run on the path of His Word. Because we are NOT unaware of the enemy's schemes, and we are not going back to bondage of any kind when there's something bountifully better that He says we can have.

Take a moment and even if you can't see the fertile fields ahead, can you at least detect the smell of new grass sprouting? Can you feel the mist of beginning rain? The rest of the bounty is not that far away.

Now You're Getting Somewhere

I just sent off an email to someone, thanking them for their thorough critique. Their critique was not a positive assessment of my book proposal. It pointed out several weak points. It was specific and detailed. Initially I felt defeated and deflated. Then a strange sense of delight came over me as the day went on.

Someone took the time to inform me of their valuable judgment and their seasoned viewpoint. I was amazed at how much time this agent took to explain to me what he saw lacking in my proposal. If someone takes the time, a full page at that, to go through your proposal and point out all the things that are wrong, that's a good thing. It's called feedback. Now I know what's wrong with that particular proposal.

Makes me remember a relationship I had in my dating days. I had dated this guy, a generous soul, but had not invested much of myself in the relationship. I broke up with him without giving him much of a reason. But then a year or so later, I was at a low point in my life, floundering and falling, and reconsidering the type of person I should be drawn to. He came back into my life all of a sudden, visiting me one day as I was recovering from an illness. I think he brought me flowers. I don't remember because all I cared about was seeing his smiling face when he came into the room. But the smile eventually turned to a look of pain and confusion. He stood there awkwardly, chatting with me, his eyes looking around the room and then coming back to rest on me. Then he would look down.

I don't remember how he had gotten in touch with me again. All I know was that he was in the room, and yet I could tell he suddenly didn't want to be there, after all. We spoke of nothing and of everything. I didn't say a word about my own conflicted feelings. When I did not see him again after that, all I could remember feeling was...confused. Our relationship had already been over before he came back again, briefly, into my life. Did he come back out of concern for me? Guilt? Regret that we had ended things? In hope of resurrecting our relationship?

This book proposal of mine that got thoroughly critiqued received something that my relationship with this guy never did- an answer, painful as it may be. I obviously knew this relationship was completely over when he never called again. But I would have liked to know what went wrong, where I failed, or when his feelings died and why. Maybe he sensed my instability and my inability to focus on anything and anyone but myself. I would have benefited if he had spoken the plain, ugly truth to me.

Since this agent did just that, I was able to put death a particular proposal without putting to death my dream of writing a book. After I read his critique, nodding my head up and down in sad agreement, I mentally closed up shop on that proposal. I already knew that it was not right. Now I had confirmation.

Sometimes the best thing you can do feels the worst while you are letting it go. But then a feeling of lightness and truth comes in and sweeps out the decaying matter, leaving you with a sense of relief and mysterious happiness. You are done with something that was going nowhere. Now that you're done with that, the things in your life that are going somewhere have their chance at taking a deep breath and getting infused with life instead of receiving leftover small puffs of air. It's better to know the final end of a matter than to be busily en route to Nowhere.

That relationship, that struggling business that you launched for the wrong reasons, or in my case, that particular book proposal, needs feedback. It's tortured, flailing, floundering existence should have already signaled to us its demise. The problem is you and I did not like the signal it was giving us. We wanted to see a green light where instead it was red. We can go ahead, press on the gas and keep trying to make that red light become green, but any crash that ultimately results is a needless occurrence. Instead of a crash, we could have had a quiet, dignified funeral of that faulty particular dream.

There's a time to search, and a time to give up, according to the book of Ecclesiastes. That's what a critique will help you discern- what season you're in, what the quality of your dream is, or what its prospects are. It is not getting negative feedback that determines whether we let something go. It is, rather, the honest, at cost, feedback from someone who has rather distinct insight into your situation or dream. They're not God, they don't know the future, and they're not dream killers. They are just people who decide to tell you what you have asked to hear- an evaluation, a critique, an honest summary of what you have presented to them.

Give me a truthful No, give me a detailed explanation of what went wrong, tell me why this relationship or project is flawed, and strangely, I have something to go on. You can go onward after a negative assessment, after a No.

It's an odd appreciation, not of the Affirmative,but of the Negative. My mother would always sing this song to us, admonishing us to look for the positive: "You've got to accent-u-ate the positive, elim-in-ate the Negative, and latch on to the Affirmative, Don't mess with Mister In Between".

But that song is wrong. I know too many people ignoring the No's, throwing out any negative feedback or any critique that hurts. Eliminate the negative? That's impossible. And it's not needed, anyhow.

You want the negative feedback and the truthful reality of where you are. Just receive a failing grade in a class you thought reflected your future? You want to look at that feedback. A boyfriend that haltingly tells you where you don't fit into his life? You want to listen to his words, however painful they are. Have a friend that is telling you that you are selfishly throwing away your marriage vows? Listen to that person's description of how you are acting. Listen to that negative critique. Assess what it is saying to you. You don't have to swallow it whole. But do check out whether there are some valid points there.

I see some Yes's and some No's in my life right now. I am listening to the No's- not welcoming them artificially with open arms but accepting them; accepting that they are there and they have something to say to me. To consider the negative critique means to hear and see something that will impact your life. It won't be necessarily straightforward in application. You may have to find the hidden gold in that No.

My natural, initial response is "I don't want to hear it." But if I determine that I must not ignore what I so desperately need, I resolve to not only hear it out, but to actually benefit, yes, from the painful critique that I hear.

When I Tell You What I Think

My mind was going at 5am this morning. I woke up, at the end of an interesting dream, wondering about its imagery and symbolism. I went out to the kitchen, made coffee, and then woke my husband up a half hour earlier than normal. The saint that he is, he came out to the living room couch where I handed him his mug of coffee and a plate loaded with questions , thoughts, observations, and ....more questions.

In our twenty three years of marriage, my husband has never uttered those dreaded, terrible words to me: "You think too much." And he certainly would be within his right to say so.

All my boyfriends did. I couldn't go out with a guy for more than a day or two, when coming home from a date, they would listen to my questions and musings and then look at me and say with a puzzled look on their face, "You think too much."

It was the worst thing someone could say to me. If they had said "You dress funny" that I might be able to change. (If I wanted to). Or if they said I was comical, I could stop cracking jokes. But think too much? I can't stop thinking. My mind has a life of its own. (A very colorful life, I would add).

I never understood the value of my mind, the value of having a sound mind, until recently. After years of affirmation from my husband about how my mind works (he finds it "fascinating"), I have come to be rather protective of my mind and my thinking. I would never tolerate any pubescent young man mocking the beautiful workings of my active mind, now.

"A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body,..." says Proverbs 14:30 Amplified. I can't say my mind has always been undisturbed. But one reason why it is more calm than it was years ago is that I cooperate with its questionings, investigations, discerning, and probings. I believe the Holy Spirit can speak to me, and touch my thinking to perceive things I might not "see" on my own.

But I can't get there if I shut down my mind, turn off the questions, or refuse to wrangle with the things that trouble me or upset me. I leave no stone unturned when it comes to thinking things out with the Lord. I will bring ALL my thoughts and questions to Him. I will write in my journal, the wrestlings of my mind. I will contemplate the meaning of my dreams, wondering if God is speaking to me through them, or if the pizza I ate the night before is doing the talking. But sometimes I am talking to myself, through my dream. Sometimes I just have to hear what I am honestly thinking.

I value my thoughts. In years past, my thoughts ran more in the camp of the terrorized and the troubled. But I am a free woman now. With my "mind stayed on Thee" I have gained entrance into that equitable, hospitable territory of the land of the free. In this land, you can question anything. You can go to the Lord, the God who says "Come now, let us reason together...". It is not by reasoning that I gain full insight. Its just that I don't have to throw out reasoning, either.

It's not an emotional experience- my faith in Christ. But it's not without emotion. It's not solely an intellectual experience- but it's not without reasoning and investigating. My journey is one where all travelers are allowed to use their mind. Even more so, we don't check our thoughts at the door and jump into a valley of blind faith, thoughtless drivel, naive hopeful wishing, and a wing and a prayer. (Although we do do a lot of praying).

My faith in Christ's power to redeem lives, cleanse hearts, and heal troubled minds- well, that faith is based on experience. I've seen Him work mightily in others. I've seen what He's done in me. I am certain of His existence, certain of His Perfect Perspective. And I utterly rejoice over the certainty of His perfect thoughts that He thinks towards me- thoughts of peace, not to harm me, but to give me a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)

But even with the certainty of all that He is, still my prayer time is filled with my observations, thoughts, questions and ideas. Sometimes I will even make suggestions to God or offer my idea of how He could move in our midst. I'll share what my hope filled ideas or desires are. But then, at the end of it all, at the end of all I pour out in clear thinking and even in confusion, all these thoughts are laid at His feet.

And then He has the final Word.

Radical Relationships

I had another interesting dream last night. In the dream, my husband and I were guests at this couple's home. We do not know this couple real well, but they think highly of us, and trust us because of our apparent respectability, reliability, and doctrinal sobriety. The man is a sober minded, serious, devout person of integrity and self control. He doesn't smile a lot, but he's not an angry stern man either. I can't figure out why we are staying at their home, but I'm not agitated about it. The only problem is that I know,( in the dream), that he does not really know us all that well. I know that if he and I were to talk more, he would see my controversial standpoint on many things. He would be disappointed in some of my views and in my perspective of things. I wake up with a sense that I am walking a fine line.

You know why I had that dream? Because even reading Joel Osteen's book, Become a Better You, seems like such a radical thing for me to be doing. I can't let this go. Some of you may not be embroiled in this. But I have been a Christian for over thirty years (maybe over forty years but it depends on when God saw that defining moment to be). I have experienced staunch evangelical settings, radical house church chaos, third wave charismatic experiences, pentecostal teaching and worship experiences, erudite educational settings of theological debate, the monotony of mainline churches, and now....radical so-called Christian books centering on progress, prosperity, and the issue of happiness in this life.

The topic of happiness is controversial in the church, lately. Thinking positively - watch out for that term. Some Christians feel the need to draw a line through the sand every time someone smiles- you have to decide if it's a godly smile or an evil smile. People are getting frantic and alarmed over books that encourage positive social behavior such as smiling, hoping, expecting good, dreaming for more, planning for expansion.

I found an interesting blog the other day, called the Internetmonk.com- http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/reactions-to-the-60-minutes-joel-osteen-piece
The guy is sharp, interesting, and I believe anxious to defend the true Christian faith as he lives in a "post evangelical wilderness". I understand his passionate stance. I admire his articulation of important issues that won't fade away. When I read his bio, I smiled to myself, and thought "I like this guy." http://www.internetmonk.com/michael-spencer/ We would have a great conversation. And we would argue over some things, for sure- such as his " THIRTEEN CRITICAL PROBLEMS FACING CONTEMPORARY EVANGELICALISM", number 6. in particular:

"The corrosive and compromised influence of Christian publishing in shaping evangelicalism, as exemplified in the rise of Joel Osteen, The Prayer of Jabez and the Prosperity Gospel."

I read the Prayer of Jabez. I did not go apostate or off the deep end because I read it. I employed a few things I learned from that book- like I am with Joel Osteen's book.

Here are the things I've decided to do: smile more, give someone the benefit of the doubt, and get a little more radical in anticipating good. After all, I'm prone to being suspicious, critical and a bit of a crankpot if I don't watch myself. And that's with me believing and embracing the gospel of Christ, having been baptised, memorizing Scripture till it comes out my ears, teaching Bible Studies for over twenty years, studying New Testament theology in college, having been a pastor's wife, and other so called credentials.

My point is, I am a staunch evangelical (and charismatic Christian, Bible believing Christian). But I can read a book and not embrace it as a guidebook to eternal life. It's not a theology book. It's not a book that I am going to eat, only, and digest for the rest of my life. It's just a book. It's not the Bible.

Why can't I glean something out of Osteen's book and leave behind his flimsy theology? Why can't I enjoy his light humor and learn how to be a bit more relaxed and joking, without taking on his whole understanding of Scripture (especially if it is a limited one)? Why can't I read Prayer of Jabez and summarize that yes, I have not thought big enough or expected to widen my circle of positive influence- without stumbling into selfishness and hell. I know there's trouble in this world. Joel Osteen knows it too. Bruce Wilkinson has seen it. But we don't have to center a book on everything that plagues us in our life, in our world. A book doesn't have to answer every issue or contend for it all.

Why can't a book encourage us to press forward, rise higher, plan for blessing, develop a habit of happiness- to name a few from Osteen's book. I may not want Joel as my pastor and live exclusively under his limited teachings, but then again, I have never attended his church and experienced weekly services there. So I don't know if I would get enough "feeding" there.

But I can learn from him. And I can learn from the InternetMonk too. And too bad if you think I can't walk that fine line. I refuse to throw Joel Osteen out with the bath water. And I refuse to embrace staunch evangelicalism- as if anyone is the main leader of this amorphous branch of people. I can't even agree with my husband all the time of what God is doing, how I am doing, and if we are still "in" His grace. And Bill and I have traveled through college/seminary, pastoring, ministry experiences- and know what the other intends to do. We intend to serve the Lord, love Him, love His Church, be alarmed by what should alarm us and be hopeful for the Holy Spirit to work in us.

My relationship with God is the radical thing. How I think I hear Him. How I listen to the Holy Spirit with an eye toward Him and an ear to my spirit, waiting to see if the fluttering of His Spirit is stirring me, provoking me, speaking to me of what to look for, what to watch out for. There's plenty of serious things to watch out for. "Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love" 1 Cor.16:13.

I'm watching out for deception that would topple me. I'm trying to stand fast in the pure faith of Christ alone, and Christ-in-me- the hope of glory. What else should I watch out for? Is Joel Osteen's book the thing that will bring me down in unbelief or gullible self centered living? Since I've read his books and listened to some sermons of his, the only difference is that I am smiling a bit more, on purpose.Trying to be more cheerful. More gracious and relaxed with people. And trust me, I'm not even doing that well with it. That's not an easy thing you just learn to immediately do after reading one or two books. But it's a good thing for me to learn.

I just don't hear the Lord telling me that I'm in danger if I read Joel Osteen's books. I haven't looked at him as the Messenger of all heavenly wisdom. He's far from that. I'm not suddenly transported to a false heaven either, if I read his book.

I'm still just a woman journeying onward in a crazy place on a whacked out earth, rubbing elbows with some people trying to stick to the path of peace that Christ alone made possible.

The MuLu Connection

The MuLu Connection occurred again yesterday. I know, it sounds like a Swahili train station or something. But instead, it's what Mu and I call our time together. (The term doesn't make sense unless you knew beforehand my nickname, "Lu" and how her name came to be "Mu").

Over coffee and quiche, we covered the "issues" of life we were dealing with, and reviewed our obstacles of the week. It's like the Oval Office -meets-coffee shop, or the War Room where the generals meet. She and I mean business about getting to the truth of the matter- whether that's something heavy, like Why Does God Allow Suffering?"(after this past Sunday's service where a cancer survivor and current sufferer shared her powerful testimony.It opened up a lot of theological complexities and concerns) or Why Do our Teenage Sons Drive us Crazy? The Good, the bad, and the Ugly. We like to deal with it all. But we also laugh a lot, and loudly.

She has the most amazing knack of confronting me pointedly and lovingly without getting me offended and up in arms. I almost relish what targeted insight she will deliver to me next. She's direct, kind, and honest. I hope this is the way I can challenge and encourage women with hard truths, illuminating insights into God's Word, and hilarious highlights from my past that grant an ounce of perspective that might grant someone a reprieve from pain.

I am known as the confronting type in my family. I don't think my extended family members relish my approach or perspective. Perhaps I do get militant in my stance or maybe pound the pulpit, so to speak. I'm not sure exactly how I come across to various family members- except that I am often seen as a radical, a crusader for the lost, and a contentious bull dog. I know how I want to come across: as someone who will not back away from the ugly truth, as someone who doesn't want to pretend or play games, as someone who learned the long hard way to stand up for truth even if you stand alone. There's quite a tension between what I'm aiming for and what certain family members think I actually accomplish.

Just to let you know how badly I need a PR team helping me with looking "good" in my extended family's eyes, here's a snippet of something that happened a week or so ago.

I called my parent's house to reply to my mom. (She leaves me lots of messages, tying to cajole me into calling her so that we can chat about this and that, and how I should be taking ball room dance lessons from Dad because I do need to learn grace, and why don't I go back to wearing contact lenses because I look better without glasses, she'll say). I usually try to call back when I've eaten and am relaxed, and remember that my mother IS a saint who gave birth to five children and lived to talk about it. (So what if she wants to talk about so many other things as well!)

I held the phone, waiting for someone to answer. My Dad picked up.

"Hi, Dad. It's Lu. Can I talk to Mom?" I said nicely.

"She's on the war path, Mil," I heard my father say as he handed the phone to my mom.

Really, help me out here. Was that a militant thing I said?! I just asked to speak to Mom! But my directness is a bit of a problem with my family. For some reason, though, it's often the thing that other people enjoy about me. (Someone please tell my parents this!)

I've met with confused people, people who have lost sight of some basic truths or who have gotten confused in their theology. (Who isn't?!) While I am no expert in exegesis and hermeneutics, I do have a discerning, questioning mind that once was more of a curse to me than it was a help. In those years, long ago, what I SAW and what I detected just didn't get dealt with because it didn't get spoken. Authority figures- Spiritual authority figures- were always right, and you were wrong to question. In those olden' days, to question or to consider that someone might not have all the answers would be akin to sins of doubt or defiance.

What good was discernment and an active, healthy mind that perceived something "amiss" yet had to ignore it all in the name of "faith"? And now that we have enormous personalities on the scene, in the Christian realm, many still stumble about,wondering if popularity or notoriety is a good indicator that we should listen to them, hook ,line, and sinker?

Oh dear, I'm stirring up trouble again. I'm on the war path. But let me tell you, I spent way too many years on the "Lost" path of confusion and fear.And part of the reason I was on the dark path was that I was not allowed to say what I thought, use discernment and ACT on it, confront, or reject something if it resonated with impure motives, bits of Scriptural truth mixed in with a lump sum theology that could not work for all things at all times. I love to share Scripture verses, but I also get concerned lest something I share be taken out of context, misapplied, or seen as a be-all to end-all. Even a testimony can inspire - and yet do damage, if someone misunderstands your point, your key Scripture reference.

"Mu, in the Old Testament, there was a prophet, who walked around with his buttocks exposed as a sign to the people of pending judgment. (Micah 1:8) Does that mean we should take that one verse and apply it as a specific directive for our life today? " I asked her. Then we laughed hysterically, picturing that. Naked prophets, the need for dance lessons, trying teenage sons- we'll tackle it all.

Cause we're on the war path. Watch out.

A Spacious Place

My daughter and I play a lot of mind-stretchers. That's what I call these mental exercises that we do where I'll ask her questions like, what kind of a man she thinks she would want to marry someday, or where would she want to live if she could live anywhere- near the lake or ocean or in the mountains? I want her to consider and ponder the possibilities. I want her to be active in choosing good for her life. I want her mind to be open to where God might take her.

Open minds are good places for the thoughts and plans of God to take root and flourish. A closed mind is, instead, a dry wasteland, and nothing can grow there. And that's not a good place to be.

There is such a thing as the right place to be. Some would say, be careful when you talk about trying to get to the right place that you don't forget to be content where you are. While "godliness with contentment is great gain", there are those who major in that scripture only, camping in one place their whole life, quoting it while they encircle a mountain in confusion and lack of clarity concerning their destiny, their source of provision, their purpose.

Isn't that why the Israelites were admonished that they "had dwelt long enough at this mountain"? Isn't that why they were admonished to break camp and advance...finally? (Deut. 8:6,7)

Any place that is at odds with your destiny is no place to remain. It's one thing to pass through the valley of the shadow of death, it's another thing to decide you like it and want to stay there.

While I can not always exactly tell where I belong, I can discern where I don't. I may not know if I should live in a beautiful palace or a budget, pop-up tent, but I do know that I shouldn't live in a brothel. There's a lot more that we know that we should remind ourselves we know.

I know for sure that while I want to remain faithful and remain in a state of grace, I do not want to remain in the past. I don't want to envision where God is taking me- and then forget I have to let go of where I am.

Now I know I have had the glorious, nomadic advantage of having moved a lot in life- 2o times in 23 years of marriage. (Can you hear my gentle sarcasm?!) Most of these moves were required- due to housing constraints in seminary, going to little pastorates in New England, and then remodeling houses and selling them, necessarily making a living. (You really can't just live on love).

But I realize God has been putting me through the exercises of discernment of God's call, releasing of the past, taking hold of the future, and sometimes being like Abraham, going out "not knowing where he was going." This has built faith in me- faith for the journey, and an expectation that the journey is costly. It costs you a sense of security, stability, and status. Notice I said "a sense of". Because you DO have stability and security when God is moving you onward- you just may not feel it.

My son filled out a college application last week and had to write an essay. Of all the things he picks to write about, he wrote of the seven moves (of our 20) that he has participated in. He wrote proudly of this fact- and at first I wondered why. Then as I read, in his essay, of his plans for the future, his profession of his gifts and calling (to be involved in media communications and film making), I realized he was describing why he confidently felt he would make this journey-into his future.

He was confident that he knew how to move...onward. He could have been scarred by these moves, felt like he never had a home base long enough, or stayed long enough in one place to be with best friends all his life.

But instead my son felt advantaged and blessed to be someone who knows, already, that life is a journey. He knows we may go through fire and flood (Psalm 66), but that your future is always one where you have to go forward, and onward, to be in that spacious place God has called us all to.

The Right People

I joked with the people at the housewarming party Saturday night, as we were leaving, "This was so much fun! Bill doesn't let me out of the house much!" We don't go out much- that's true- but more because we are homebodies and just don't get invited out that much.

But this was an elegant dessert social we were invited to, at a couple's house who were revitalizing an old house with a million rooms in it. As we toured the house and saw their progress, seeing some rooms painted and decorated, and other rooms in transition, we were almost salivating at the possibility of doing a project like this. In another time, we would have looked at each other and read each other's mind- "Let's go get us one of these and start work!"

We used to renovate houses, live in them a bit, and sell them. It was a good plan, for approximately ten years, when we first left pastoral ministry and Bill didn't know what to do for a living. We had not wanted to leave full time ministry, but going into old churches with fixed values of "just be there in the town"- that wasn't going to be our plan for the church we would lead. God's plan is for life, and life more abundantly- and for new life preached to those who walk in old patterns of decay and denial. After ten years of trying to "bring renewal" we were led out of full time ministry, by God.

At the party, at one point, Bill and I were sipping punch, sitting in this elegant sitting room with a chaise angled in the middle of the room, a deer's head looking out at us from the wall, exotic deep red painted walls around us. Some people came in, sat with us, started talking about nothing in particular. More people were milling around, and a few others walked in. Soon we got talking about what were our experiences in the church, what we were reading.

I shared about the book I'm reading Right People, Right Place, Right Plan by Jentezen Franklin. I was excitedly sharing how fascinating it was to learn of all the scriptures concerning being with the right people (or avoiding "bad company" which "corrupts good character"), the right place (Go to the brook Cherith, God told Elijah, and THERE God would provide for Elijah), and the right plan.

"I can't tell you too much about how to know the right plan for your life because I'm just getting to that section of the book!" I told them. But I know this book IS the right book for me to be reading right now- of that I'm sure!

I've already been sharing with my niece about how to know the right people to be with. We've been talking on the phone a lot lately. And not only are accounts from the book coming to my mind, but other things I've read, and other experiences I've had are coming back to me. Its a lot to think about.

The right people- The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkinson, deals with this pivotal person in the first half of the book which is an allegory. Ordinary, the main character, is traveling onward with God. He wants to live out his dream. He gets to a place where he can't go any further and he could be at the end of his rope, so to speak. But a guy named "Champion" leaves him a boat with oars in it at the edge of the river, with a note in the boat that says, "I thought you might need this". (Maybe you see why I have my blog address- Champion your dreams?!)

The right people always help you cross your raging river of confusion. The right people do not stumble you. Instead they help make a way possible for you to progress. The right people are people of peace- internal peace and wholeness- and if you "stay with them" you're okay. They will receive you- receive who you are, your ministry, Luke 10:6,7 tells us.

Franklin recounts this verse in his book. It's an excellent verse to ponder -"You ran well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth?" Galatians 5:7

We get hindered by a lot of things in this world. We can stumble about like a drunk in the street if we are filled with confusion because of conflicting voices, viewpoints, and values that we have received from others. The right people do not hinder you in your walk or add confusion to your life. Instead, they- because they are people of peace- help bring about peace to your inner, raging waters. More than likely they know what it is to wrestle through strongholds, deal with their inner demons of the past, and have come out into that land of abundance (Psalm 66) and don't ever want to have anything to do with shame, confusion, despair, and bondage- again. SO they will not do anything to intentionally cause these things in your life.

They know the truth that "He who the Son sets free is free indeed"and they walk in the liberty of the Holy Spirit. Not perfectly. Not arrogantly. But gratefully and with a recollection of the past- enough so that they want to avoid anything that would cause them to return to their past of regret and shame.

I married the right person. Not a perfect person (and boy, do I let my husband know that!!) But he is the right person for me. God showed me that 23 years ago. I realize more and more how grateful I am that God showed me how to "connect" with someone who would help change my life for the better- instead of taking me in circles, spiraling me downward.

My best friend is the right person to be called my "best friend"- I have not suffered harm from her counsel, her perspective, her challenging me to live out my dreams. We have laughed and cried together- and have been choosy when it comes to the places get to enjoy our patronage. After all, we are women who are looking for the right place to get together and challenge each other onward. As for the right plan we each should follow, we are pursuing that. We don't want to miss that.

So as I talk with my niece, lately, I realize these three things are so pivotal in our lives: connecting with the right people, being in the right place at the right time, and knowing that GOD has a plan for our life- even if we don't have the full picture of what that is yet.

The right person, at this time in your life, could be the person who brings you good news from afar- the message of the Good News from God that you are going to be okay. All is well.

The right person for you to hang out with in this season of your life had better be a person who will not stumble you, make you fall. You've fallen enough on your own without someone else helping you go down.

And if you're considering the person who you should marry- think long and hard about the type of person he or she is: do they KNOW the plans that God has for them- that they are good, healthy, and of a higher sort than those they could come up with on their own? Do they know you are a precious being who should be loved and helped- because that's what God desires for you, and God's plan is "not to harm you, but to give you a hope and a future"? (Jeremiah 29)

I'm in a lovely honeymoon season with my husband right now- we are in sync, and laughing a lot, and his muscles have grown big from heavy labor- and that doesn't look too bad to me! But even when we are in a dark season of friction and power struggles and miscommunication, I can look at him and be mad at him, and frustrated with him- but still know he was the right person for me to marry.

That was something that I did cry out to God over twenty three years ago- "God let me know who I should marry." I did not trust my own judgment. I knew I was prone to changing my mind, choosing the lesser instead of the greater thing God had in mind. I'm remembering, now, how it was hard to walk into the commitment to marry with the weight of knowing that I had asked God to choose for me- and did I trust Him to choose well? I can say with assurance, He most certainly did.

But on so many days of my life, where I forget to ask God who I should be talking with, where I should be, what His plan is, I mistakenly put myself back in the driver's seat- and run straight into a wall. Then, bruised or battered a bit, I'll slide out of the seat with a sheepish grin, turn it over to God, and say with conviction,

"Okay, God- now, let's go onward."