When You're Down...But Not Out

Yesterday I folded laundry, made a pot roast, worked on a chapter in the book I am writing. If anybody had been watching me do all this, they might have thought it was pretty insignificant, my day. Nobody would have been able to tell I was doing all this...by faith. Because the truth is, I felt like lying down, pulling the covers over my head and going to that murky place of dream land. Any dream I could have slipped into would have been better than the reality I was experiencing.

I'm not going through any severe trial or catastrophic circumstance. What I am experiencing, though, is the doldrums, the spirit of heaviness. I feel exhausted but more than that I feel helpless, incapable. There are a number of reasons why I've lost confidence in my God-given abilities, but the point I want to make here is this: sometimes people are acting on the last bit of energy, faith, and hope that they have.

You see them doing a load of laundry, and really they are doing an incredible feat of accomplishment because they would rather just go to bed and forget everything. You see them walking their dog, but really they are taking step by step, in faith, because they are trying. Period.

We have no idea of what some people are experiencing because we don't always see what they are feeling. We see them as capable and talkative, and in reality, they are mustering their last bit of strength and faith just to talk to you.

Yesterday there was a knock on my door. Harry went ballistic with his barking. I could barely hear the guy, when I opened the door, because I had Harry by the collar and was trying to restrain him. He's a sweet dog but don't mess with his territory or threaten his masters. This guy was no threat, but Harry didn't know that.

"Would you like to see the seafood and meat we have for sale?" he asked me hopefully. I couldn't even hear the name of the company, but even if it had been legitimate and known for delicious food, I already had a freezer full of meat. And we're not much for seafood, except for in the summer time. So I told him no thank you, and I hope he heard the sincerity in my voice. He might not have because Harry had not ceased to growl and bark.

He left and I went back downstairs to work on the laundry. But immediately I felt something in my spirit for this man- and it was compassion. What a hard job he had, I thought. I wouldn't like to have to go door to door-- not in this day and age, not in this economy. But the operative words were "have to." He probably had no other choice. He probably had a family to feed. He probably had something better to do in previous years, but wound up with this job to do--because it was the only thing he could do.

So I prayed for that man. Oh I prayed a thunderbolt of blessing to come and hit him. I prayed for a flood of encouragement and provision into his life. It was too late for me to go call him back to my house, and I really couldn't have bought much from him other than maybe a steak for that night. But it wasn't too late for me to reach him through prayer.

Maybe it was good that I was feeling so low yesterday, so dispirited and discouraged. That allowed me to relate to someone else who literally had a hard road ahead of him. That caused me to pray for, and bless, that man. And believe me, we do have the power to bless, and not curse.

It is no small thing to ask God to bless someone. God loves it when we pray for others and want others to have what we would want to have. So I wanted this man to be lifted up. I wanted this man to know hope and strength. I wanted this man to get a break and get a better way to make a living. I wanted his family to see him come home and say to them, "I don't know why- it was a crummy day in sales- but I feel encouraged. I feel hopeful." And then out of that encouragement, he may try to send out a resume again. He may try to start that business. He may decide to go back to school and get that degree that everybody told him he was too old to get. He just might decide that he can keep going.

Friend, no matter how down you feel, God will send someone to encourage you or pray for you. Be assured that He will not let you stay down when you feel down. He wants to lift you up. He wants to answer prayers that are spoken over you by someone else who saw you struggling to do things...by faith.

In Judges 6, we read the account of an Angel greeting Gideon with an amazingly positive proclamation, "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior." Gideon did not feel like a mighty warrior. He didn't even look like one. But the Angel is there to tell Gideon about the mission assigned to him of saving Israel from the Midianites. And here's the incredible thing the Angel says to him,"Go in the strength you have." The little that you have, use it. The bit of strength you have, fight with it. It might be more than you realize.

Today, please know that if YOU are reading this, and you need encouragement, I care about your predicament. But more than that GOD CARES. He cares about salesmen out on the road, about stay at home moms who are exhausted, about teenagers overwhelmed with choices, about men who are out of work and out of hope as far as they can see. He cares about you doing the ordinary things that are taking seemingly extraordinary strength to do. HE sees you trying to take the next step of faith. He sees you using the bit of strength you have-- and He wants to multiply that strength.

So, go throughout your day, you mighty warrior!! There is more strength on its way to you. More blessing. More power.

There's just, simply...MORE.

Spiritual Exhaustion

This post is for exhausted people only. If you're pumped up about life and you've got everything figured out, enjoy your day and God speed. See you next post.

Okay, if you're still here reading, it could be that you've had a hard week so far, or maybe a rough month, or maybe it's been a really long winter. You might feel beyond tired-- you're actually weary. You feel like a wet noodle,maybe. If you're floppy and you know it, say amen.

But I've got some good news for you, friend. You can be weary and weak and just about out of steam. In fact you might have one last little prayer of "Help, God!" in you and you're about to utter it pleadingly- and even then you're not sure it will availeth much.

Can I tell you something about spiritual exhaustion? It happens. It happens to the best and the brightest and the strongest and the most well-intentioned of us. The fact that it happens is not the thing I want to tell you. That's just what I want to establish as our base line truth. Here's what I want to tell you though: spiritual exhaustion is not necessarily evidence that you've done anything wrong. In fact you may have been doing many things right, lately. You've prayed up a storm. You've read your Bible faithfully. You helped someone and never bragged about it. You've tried to utter blessing and not cursing when you've been hurt or rejected. You've tried to do good and not cause pain. You've tried, period.

Last summer, on vacation, my son tried and tried to skim board. Skim boarding is when you take a board and "skim" across the surface of the water-- but it's shallow water. You can't drown in it. You're just supposed to glide across it. Glide, I said. Not pound the surface. Not fight the current.

And now let's enter the "deep" end, here: you were not meant to always be pounding the surf, hitting against hard wave after wave. You were also meant for gliding. You were made for "easy" times too.

Don't get offended about that word easy. So many Christians do. I can hear all the pulpit pounders telling me that life is hard and the life of a disciple is harder and get ready to fight the good fight. And fight again. And fight to the end.

Do that. Fight when you need to. Contend for things when it's a matter of faith verses sight. But don't forget to glide....when you can. When there's a wave of ease and opportunity, by all means, take it! When Christ offers a yoke that is "easy" and a burden that is light, He is talking about ceasing from trying so hard and accepting the suitable and comfortable yoke of obeying what He's asked you to do. And sometimes obedience requires such perseverance and denying of self. And sometimes God sends a wave of refreshment and He expects you to take it ...and glide. Step out into the Spring air and breathe deeply. Enjoy that late evening walk. Take the hand that is offered to you instead of saying, "Oh, no, I'm fine."

Psalm 46:10 tells us to "Be still and know that I am God...." Stop all the strenuous exertion and get a revelation of how powerful He is and how weak and floppy you are. It's okay to be blown away by the contrast. One commentary on this verse digs deep into the meaning of "be still" and explains that it has to do with casting down or letting something fall. "...to be relaxed, slackened, especially the hands: It is also employed in the sense of not making an effort; not putting forth exertion; and then would express the idea of leaving matters with God, or of being without anxiety about the issue."

I'm all about persisting in prayer, persevering in prayer. I believe in contending for the promises of God. I believe Scripture tells us, over and over, that we must be bold and strong and obedient and faithful. But it also tells us that when we are weak, HE is strong. When we are "relaxed" He is still powerful--and not at all offended by our taking a glide across the water and shouting "weeee!" as we go.

Stop striving to make things happen. Let God see you relaxed and expectant at the same time. I can raise my hands to heaven and pray and I know this pleases God. But I can also let my hands hang down in exhaustion and marvel at the fact that God is never weary. I can honor Him even in my weakness; perhaps because when I know I am weak, I might just realize, in a greater way, how strong and powerful and capable God is. When I understand this, really understand this, that's my faith in God showing. I might even display more faith in God when I am going through a time where I'm weak and exhausted-- if I can admit He is not offended by my fatigue and I am not resistant to His offering of help and grace.

Be still before Him. Let go. Let your hands flop down in fatigue if you have to. Rest easy in the knowledge that He's got a wave of refreshment coming to you. It's for you. It's yours for the taking. Glide on it.

There's more where that came from.

The No and the Nod of God

I haven't been posting as much, lately--I know. But I've been having a sort of mini revival--all thanks to recently discovering anew that God's No is not the same as God's frown. I suddenly feel so loved and protected, in spite of all the No's I've had.

God's No is not such a bad thing, I've been discovering. But No is not a word we normally enjoy or appreciate.

Think of it: when you were a child and you reached out for something and heard a severe "No!" it was probably not an enjoyable experience. There might have been a No to dessert, a No to getting a toy, a No to going to a party. We remember the No's. And yes, of course, your parents (hopefully) said No to protect you: No to touching hot stoves, No to walking alone at Night, No to staying past curfew, etc etc. But still, a No is not a word we heartily embrace.

The word "No" has gotten a bad rep. And lately I've been discovering that when God says No, He might just be saying "I love you too much to let you go through that door....at least right now." Sometimes No is "Not yet" and sometimes God's No is a resounding Alarm not too unlike the clanging fire alarm that goes off because a call comes into the local fire station that some bo-bo has set their kitchen on fire because they had their dish towel too close to the stove (I have never done that, but I have set my hair on fire when I leaned too close to the candle, once. But no fire truck was needed, thank you).

When God says No it could often mean an indirect Yes to something else--something you don't YET have in mind, but God does. God always has your Best in mind when He answers you. Because He knows the plans He has for you (Jer. 29:11).

Lately I've had a renewed enthusiasm in coming to God in prayer and discovering that I really don't care whether he says No or nods Yes--I just care that He cares, that He bends down to listen to me...and that His Answer is always perfect, always in my best interest. Sometimes it takes me awhile to figure out His answer.

But one thing I know for sure: I'm begining to appreciate and love the No and the Nod of God...because I know that He loves me.

One Year Sabbatical

It's been almost a year of silence. (Okay, I've only been silent in the blog world, but I'm still yammering away here at home. Ask my kids. Ask my husband. Ask Harry).

I can't tell you how good it's been for my internal storehouse. It is now replenished. Very much so.

I hope to catch up with many of you and plan on visiting your sites.

More posts to come.
I'm back!

If You're Feeling Empty....Relax!

I've been rather quiet lately. At home, I mean. I still talk when I get together with people, friends, acquaintances, but then it seems like I'm done. Done talking. Done projecting my ideas and my conclusions. I really don't have too many of those anymore. I'm kinda empty. But in a good way.

I never realized that there are different kinds of emptiness. There's the emptiness you feel when you've lost a loved one, or you've lost a job, or you've lost your savings. There's also an empty feeling when you've been demeaned or despised. You can feel rather value-less and empty. It's a terrible feeling.

But then there's a kind of empty feeling when you've gone through a lot of stuff, dealt with a lot of junk, and now you're healed, possibly, but not exactly full of hope. Not yet. This is the time when dreams are germinating inside....again. This is the time when you're ready for a BIG idea from God- a new one- 'cause you're out of your own ideas. You're not feeling despair, just empty. Just ready for the New, cause you're done with the Old.

"Behold, I will do a NEW THING" God says to our empty hearts. We perk up and we sense how true that it is, and how ridiculous we've been to think we, ourselves, could usher in the new thing. We've been in our past and we are currently living out our present day. But we have not yet seen our future. God has, though. He's seen it all. And He's got a lot of new ideas that are bound to surprise us.

I haven't been very creative lately, although my cooking hasn't been terrible either. (But I am rotating the same dishes over and over.Last night was Grilled London Broil and Mashed Potatoes and Green beans. Nice, but not anything exciting).

I'm not writing anything amazing in my journal,either, and I haven't cooked up any crazy ideas lately, nor have I tried to entice my good friend, Mu, to do some kind of crazy adventure. She might just be a little empty herself- or at least a little tired. She certainly did a lot of energetic coaching and encouraging this past winter. It was a long winter, and I needed her help. She was there for me. She was really there.

Every time I try to pick myself up and get myself all energized to dream up some good career plans or income ideas or a potential house renovation, I feel God whispering to me "Relax." And implied in His message is the sense that I really couldn't do much more than relax and sink back into contemplation of the fact that the boundless possibilities I need to perceive are all going to come from Him anyways. So relax.

I've always had an issue with relaxing. The early bird gets the worm, not the relaxed bird. And I've somehow equated laziness with being relaxed. I'm sure some of this has to do with having a very industrious father who was an immigrant to this country.How many relaxed immigrants do you know? Nobody ever gets anywhere without a lot of hard work, diligent effort, striving, and persevering, right?

But then do these kind of hard working people know how to relax? And when do they relax? And do they struggle with feeling guilty when they relax? These are the things I want to know- and I think they are some of the best kept secrets.

I know very few relaxed Christians. It's a terrible indictment of us- as a people group. Nothing is more unattractive than a stressed out, uptight frowning Christian who tells you to put your trust in God and then you can have what they have- an uptight, stressed out life, but with salvation thrown in for good measure.

Lately it seems to me that to be relaxed, at peace, confident of God's love for you, that you would need the utmost of Faith. You would need to be someone who has heard God's heartbeat and you would need to be perceptive of God's good will for you. You would then anticipate good- not evil- from God. You would be able to be empty, and see it as a good thing- because you would anticipate that God loves to fill empty people- not empty them out further.

God doesn't deplete us. The world can do that. Unhealthy relationships can do that. Crises and problems can help to deplete you. But God fills you up. At least He desires to. Whether or not He can fill you to overflowing with love and hope may just depend on you and I seeing that He wants to.

And when we realize that we're empty, but we're reaching out to God for more-by Faith- then something good is about to happen. So relax. Loosen your shoulders. Take a deep breath. Act like your world is not collapsing, even if it feels like it is. And when someone asks you why you are so relaxed, tell them that you have no answers, no hope- apart from God- and therefore, you've got it made! You're more than fine. You're relaxed. Empty. And about to be filled to overflowing.

At the Car Wash

Continuing on with paradoxes and the problems and peculiarities associated with paradoxes, Harry desperately needs to go to the groomer- and the groomer is the last place he should go right now. Harry is too anxious to be separated from me for even one moment. I know this for a fact. The way Harry handles problems is to completely reveal how upset he is in whatever way seems natural to him. That's all I'll say there. He's a wreck.

But he's always been a sensitive dog. That's why he had three owners and one foster mother before he came to be our sweet furry boy. Sensitive dogs (and people) need sensitivity. And Life just doles out punches, kicks, hard times, good times, anxious times, Instability. Harry feels unstable. Yet he's matted, needs a good bath and a complete clipping- and he'd need to go to that dreaded place, the groomers, to get it all done.

Hmmm. What should I do? I'm tempted to ask the pet store where he goes to get clipped if I could leave him in the grooming room, yet croon a soothing tune to him over the store loudspeaker and see if my voice keeps him calm enough to bear the unbearable.

I got my car oil changed yesterday, and that means my car got a free car wash at the same time. I just love the place where I take my car- they made it so easy to get routine work done on your car by sweetening the venture with free hot coffee, news on the overhead T.V. in the waiting room, and then a free car wash after your oil is changed. I always watch the car go through the different stations and never tire of the seeing the process of something grimy transforming into something sparkling clean.

The last small chunk of snow in my front yard is about to disappear today. The sun is out and it should get warm enough today (in the 40's?) to melt that last bit of winter away. I feel like a kid again with all the possibilities that Spring brings. I hope to impart that sense of hope and excitement to Harry- enough to get him through the process of being transformed, himself, from smelly matted dog to the clipped little lamb that he is. At least in my eyes he is. I see him for the sweet sensitive soul that he is.

What we have to go through in order to become sweet smelling and beautiful may be a bit arduous. I think of the different brushes and cleaning wands and hanging cloths at the car wash whirling around and soaping and buffeting the car and then buffing it until its clean and I can feel like that car at times. There can be an agony and an angst as all this buffing and cleaning and purifying goes on.

Perhaps as we go through the process of getting cleaned up, God delights in not only seeing what emerges in the end, but in how beautiful the process, in and of itself, is. It's called Transformation. Redemption. Renewal. Hope.

And if we can see this process as a beautiful one, it just might be because we can hear God's voice whispering to us, or even singing to us over the heavenly loudspeaker, even as we're getting buffeted and cleaned and blessed enough to come out of the mess into the Son shine.

What Would You Do Next?

I actually think I am getting younger. At least I feel like I am getting younger. This must be what it's like to let years of junk roll off you as you slip into a new skin that is fresh, soft- yet not so soft that it is tragically hurt all the time. There's a certain resiliency you need along with tenderness and compassion.

I've been watching the American Idol tryouts on television. Aside from the TV producer's need to focus in on strangely untalented people, there are times when they highlight someone with a real voice, with a real story of having to overcome to get where they are. These fresh new voices stir me. Their story stirs me. I tear up. Abby pokes me and says, "Mom, you're not crying, are you?" I am. I am often tearing up at someone who is stepping into the light and singing and shining. I feel excited for their future.

Call me sentimental. Or call me youthful. Cause that's what young people often feel: optimistic and hopeful and alive. I think us "old folk" can also feel this too- but we have to let the spring breezes of God flow into our lives for that to happen.

So if springtime were to come early this year- real early- and you were feeling full of hope and alive and young, what would you do next? Because it may be that while winter rages on and the ice has not melted, there are aspects of Spring that are touching us. God is Someone who is big on New Life. It's surging within us. And the bold and the crazy and the tender hearted children who know their heavenly Father are ready to frolic.

Travel Plans

I drove up to my bank's drive-up teller window and there was Lou, my favorite bank teller. I handed him my deposit forms and asked him how his new year was going so far.

"Ask me again in March and I'll know by then" he answered with a half smile.

It's only 9 days into the New Year and he, perhaps, didn't feel qualified to say how good the year was, so far, because maybe he needed to compare these first nine days to the next months ahead, and then he would know by comparison.

I know all about making a conclusion (or a projection) based on a comparison. That's how we often decide how we are doing. "Well, compared to yesterday, I'm fine" or "Well, compared to last year, this year hasn't been that bad."

I can't compare this start to the New Year to any other years because I don't think I've ever begun a New Year the way I've started this year: decidedly not making any New Year's resolutions of my own, and feeling like God wanted to show me what resolutions He has in mind for me. He has been showing me, day by day.

I joked with the postal clerk at the post office, the other day, about what New Year's Resolutions he made this year.

"I didn't make any- because I always break them. Better not to make them at all, and then I won't feel guilty" he said.

See, that's exactly how I didn't begin this year: with pressure, with guilt, with a sense of let-see-how-this-year-goes-but-I'm-already-not-too-optimistic. No wonder it's been such a good journey so far, like breathing in a lot of good clean air as you make progress at a nice pace. (God sets the pace for you, so there's no need to compare your progress and pace with someone else).

I'm not sure if it's optimism I feel (but I wouldn't discount that), or if it's relief I feel at not having commenced a rigorous regime of New Year's Resolutions Fulfillment. It's more that I feel like I am on a journey and the ticket that I received says that this is a "Good" trip I've signed up for. I clutch the ticket in my hand and keep going.


How's your year going so far?!

Simply Irresistible!

Another winter storm has hit our area and we have yet to find out if this will be anything significant or if it will just be a day of shoveling and ice removal and then we're back to normal. Normal, for us here in the North, is a variety of things, but one thing it's not is sunshine and sweet breezes. Not in the winter, at least.

When I brought up the topic of vulnerability the other day, I guess I was indirectly trying to grapple with the issue of "What is normal or healthy?" concerning vulnerability, and there was some resulting comments that made us look at two things. There's our vulnerability to people, and then there's vulnerability with God.

I'm not so sure the word transparency is exactly equal in meaning with the word vulnerability, and I bring that up only because Christians seem to value some degree of transparency and accountability with each other. Scripture seems to indicate we should have the type of relationships where there is some give and take going on in what we see in each other, how we help each other (remembering to take the plank out of our own eye first before we remove the splinter in some one's eye, for example).

I've been transparent with people, some times more than others, in some settings more than in other settings. I've been glad I've been transparent, and then there have been times I wasn't rosy with joy at the outcome when I shared freely. That's life. That's how the cookie crumbles, I think. But I've never really doubted that transparency and relational honesty isn't good for me. I know its a good thing.

Being vulnerable with people is, I think, a whole 'nother thing. The word suggests a complete openness and exposure of self as in the case of a deer out in an open field on the first day of hunting season. Nothing glorious or good would happen to that deer based on its vulnerability to the hunters.

But with God, I would dare to be that deer in the open field and let Him be the hunter. He doesn't hunt with a gun. God is the Hound of Heaven after our heart. He's the lover of our soul and I don't think we're aware of that enough. If we were, we would be freely open and trusting and expose all of who we are to Him.

I don't think we make ourselves vulnerable with God unless we are absolutely assured that nothing negative can come from this act. If we make ourselves vulnerable with friends or family, or are exposed to human opinion and perspective, our vulnerability can result in some negative, terrible outcomes as well as positive beautiful results.

But there is nothing negative, hurtful or damaging- ever- that occurs when we make ourselves vulnerable with God. It is absolutely impossible to receive harm from Him when we are drawing close to Him. And one thought that I recently had due to something I heard in one of Dave Schmelzer's sermons is that God is attracted to our faith exerted, to our reaching out for Him. He finds our faith almost "irresistible".

Perhaps one aspect, one flavor of faith, is vulnerability. God might just find our vulnerability irresistible. I expose my weaknesses in God's sight and I bring myself before Him without any hiding, fudging, twisting of the truth. I make myself vulnerable and open before God. I do this out of faith. I might initially want to shrink back and not do this (make myself vulnerable) if I fear a "Holy God of Wrath" and do not see Him as the Abba Father who makes us right in His sight, who knows all about my weaknesses before I have verbally shared with Him what I painfully "see" about myself. But we are not of those who shrink back and are afraid, Scripture says. We are not.

We are bold as a lion, and as wide open before Him as trusting children who fear absolutely nothing from the One who loves them without end. It's a joy to be vulnerable when you are with Someone who can not, in their own nature, take advantage of your state and make you rue the day you trusted Him. THAT will never happen when you make yourself vulnerable to God.

All this to let you know that I have enjoyed the most amazing week or two. I've had more joy and lightness of being than I've had in a long time. Not that any major big things have happened, but there's been an increasing pull towards God's perspective of me and an accompanying willingness on my part to go for broke, loosen up and let it all out. With God. I'm not sure that I'm sharing any more than I normally do, or that I'm being any more honest with Him than I normally am.

It's more that I'm sharing everything with Him in a way that speaks boldness and trust even as I am wide open and exposed. I'm conscious that I am willingly making myself vulnerable in His presence. And yet there's a sense that He drew me in with absolute reassurance that nothing but good would come from this type of engagement with Him.

God made it a win-win situation for me. He's just too amazing for words.

Get with the Plan!

A roaring fire in the fireplace and mugs of hot tea and real, true fellowship- what more could you ask for? Nothing more. It was enough for me; more than enough.

Yesterday afternoon was one of those experiences that become a deep, good memory that you later will draw upon- if you remember and fix it in your soul, if you take it in and feast upon it while it is happening. And that's what I did. I just kept gulping in all the warmth in the room like a woman drinks in a mug of hot tea on a day when everything is so cold. Two wise women, experienced in living long and loving God, invited me into their home again, and into their hearts. They connected me with a new friend, an old acquaintance really, who understood some of the journey "issues" that I've been dealing with.

There was such warmth in the room, such sharing and transparency, that my spirit felt fed and fattened with gladness. Later I thought of the verse, My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips (Ps 63:5). That's how rich a time it was.

And that just shows how previously dry and bony I felt. Frustration will do that to you. Frustration will suck the life out of you till you feel as dry and thin as a toothpick. Now, I knew I was going through a frustrating time these last months. I knew I was battling the leanness of soul that you can feel when you don't understand what God is doing with all the 'No's" He's saying to you. You want to believe God for "more" but you start to get to the point that you think the "more" has to do with "more problems, more trouble ahead". So you put up a flashing warning sign in your soul: Caution! That's all it says. And one word says it all.

Caution!- because you feel like you're on slippery ground- even if its as dry as a desert. Caution- because you want to love and embrace and give and hope- but your spirit says to you that you don't have enough left inside you to do all that. Frustration will dry out your bones and dry up your hope- even when you're working so hard to make this not be so.

And that "working so hard" part may just be the problem. You can't work for moments of grace. You can't work and strive for peace and relaxed enjoyment of another person's friendship. You can't work for love and encouragement. There has to be a spark of God's breath on the situation for all that to occur. There's has to be the divine touch of God and the child-like response of simply receiving-opening yourself up- for all that beauty to occur.

So now I feel well fed, fresh and full, green and vibrant with life. God gave me an afternoon of just what I needed- when I didn't know what I needed. I thought I needed Answers. He thought I needed life and relational honesty. I thought I needed a better Plan. He said He already made one for me. And maybe its better if I stop striving so hard, and just get with the plan. His plan.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for" (Jer. 29:11, The Message)

When the Power Returns

Now here is when you don't need to care what you look like: when it's dark, cold, and you're in the middle of a storm. Literally. The blizzard (well, more of an ice storm) hit us Thursday late at night. At 4:46am the power went off. The cold began- both outside the house and inside.

Friday morning I stumbled around the house, in the early morning hour, dressed in pajamas (mismatched), an aqua fleece robe, and Bill's coffee-stained white robe on top of that. I looked huge, Abby told me when she woke up. I felt warm, though- and that's what mattered. We heard the sleeting ice outside and the cracking sound of falling tree limbs everywhere. It was time for a pioneer type of survival, and the three of us relished the change of pace. This is what we do best. This is something we know- how to make do in a quasi-emergency of sorts.

Bill went to the family farm to pick up our generator we had in storage. This is the generator we bought back when we built our house, our dream house- not the house we are in now, but the one we always talk about like the way fishermen talk about the one that got away.

Abby and I holed up on the couch with more blankets over us and tons of books around us. We ate chunks of cheddar cheese (opening the fridge just once, lest we lose the remaining cool air left inside) and Pepperidge Farm Snack Sticks- toasted sesame baked with a touch of garlic. Delicious. (We also found juice boxes in the pantry downstairs and brought them up to our little fort). Then we cocooned into the couch and we read. And read.

When Bill got back with the generator, he rigged up a system where we could have heat and the coffee maker going at the same time. It was around 3pm when I first got that blissful cup of coffee. Then we heard the mailman roar up to our mailbox and we looked at each other in amazement. That old adage is true about neither sleet nor snow nor rain nor hail will keep you from getting your U.S. mail (or something like that).

And guess what was in the mail? The first of those two books I was waiting for!And this is the greatest part of our whole adventure with this Northeast Blizzard- that in the midst of it all, something I waited for, something I really needed to read- arrived! I had already read through a whole novel earlier in the day and was in need of something else to read. What I had eaten for the day, so far, was crackers and cheese. Later I would eat half a baked potato for my dinner and then a piece of leftover blueberry pie. That's what I had as far as food for the stomach.

But as for food for the soul....ah, now that's another matter. This book- Think and Make it Happen- sounds so cheerful and almost shallow by its title. It might even sound, to some, to be rather carnal- as though we replace God with the power of our mind and then we are all hunky dory.

But that's not what Dr. Augusto Cury is writing about. He is intent on addressing a very sad conclusion: that humans are living way beneath our God-given potential. And when it comes to thinking correctly, you have to deal with emotions and personalities because "the mind is really our control tower- the source of every word we speak, every action we take, every emotion we feel, and every thought we have."

Now, I never consciously realized that I had an unspoken rule about which books I read when it comes to self-help; but I realized as I read the first couple pages of this book that I did have a rule- an important one- that made me continue on with a book or made me toss it aside. Here's the rule: I have to see that the motivation for the book came out of a personal experience where the author triumphed over something and thereby wanted to share with others that victory. I can't stick with a book if I read it and see pride or arrogance splayed across the page. I can't read a book if legalism or fear of transgressing a law makes the author rigidly adhere to a certain success formula and then he wants to "share" it with me, the reader.

But that's not what I saw here in this book. I saw that the author, a learned and degreed gentleman, had an experience with depression while in medical school and that it was probably excruciating. He faced something dark and bitterly cold in his soul. Maybe he wasn't at all prepared for this type of ice storm that hit him. But he was prepared, years later, to share what he learned through it all, "that when the world abandons us, the loneliness can be overcome, but when we abandon ourselves, the loneliness is almost unbearable".

Don't abandon yourself, Lauren- I whispered to myself as I read the first couple pages. I've been so frustrated lately, so overcome with a sense of feeling unable and inept. And here, when I read these words, and outside the trees kept creaking and groaning under the weight of all the ice, I suddenly realized how I don't really need answers from God as much as I need a new perspective of myself, our situation, our past, our future.

I need a pick-me-up in my spirit, the way that a fighter needs a pep talk from his trainer after a particularly long, grueling fight where he looks like ground up sausage and feels worse than that. The ice storm is about over. Power is starting to be returned to households across the area, across the state, across the entire Northeast. And power has been given even unto me, to overcome, to run and not get weary, to rise up, and to rise up again and again every time I fall.

Can't wait to start reading chapter 2. I'm restricting myself with this book: there's so much to take in that I can't race through it. I'm savoring the journey. I'm dressed for the cold. And I'm ready for the sunshine...whenever it may come.

Fashion Advice for the Spiritually Weary

It's official. My 14 year old daughter is now my fashion consultant. All the parties involved agree that this is best. I was getting a little drab in my choices, zeroing in on black and more black when it came to getting dressed or adding a new sweater or top here and there when the situation warranted it.

The deciding day, though, was one in which she saw me looking in the mirror, pursing my lips in indecision over what I had on. It was not a pretty sight.

"Come with me, Mom" she said, taking my hand and bringing me to her room. She grabbed my jewelry box first and then in her room, in a flurry of color, quickly revamped my outfit. I was in total agreement that she knew what would look best on me. You see, if you're going to have a personal shopper or a fashion consultant, you've got to completely trust who's dressing you.

I've known my daughter for over 14 years, and in the last couple years have seen such wisdom, confidence and joy of expression come from her. I used to think shopping for clothes was all about getting the best bargain. I would go for a slightly damaged orange well-made sweater (even though I hate orange) because it had $9.99 on the tag, and miss the whole point of dressing in color and texture that makes you feel good.

So now, it being Christmas, I have had to make a little list for my husband and kids because they want to know my "wish list". But this year I said, "Whatever Abby thinks is good, is fine with me" and I can't wait to see what she thinks is right. If you think I sound like an eighty year old who has given up on decorum and self-esteem, I haven't. It's just that I need a new fresh wind in my life- of all sorts- and when it comes to fashion, why not let someone I love and trust pick the style, pick the colors? Why not let that person who is trying to find the best look for me- dress me?

I'm trying to do this with God also- let Him dress me. Scripture tells us that we can be dressed in robes of righteousness because of what Christ has done for us on the cross. But there's more fashion choices in the Bible than you would first think.

If God decides to give you a robe of multi-colors, as did Joseph's father , that colorful robe could cause problems in your life for a long time. You might rue the day that you received that robe because of all the jealousy and experiences of pit and prison that you wind up having because of the robe. But then the day could come that you're in a place of honor and responsibility and you suddenly appreciate that your Father saw fit to give you that robe.

You could also come to the day, in your life, that you feel at your end. Maybe you've gone through a time of mourning because you lost a loved one, or maybe you've lost your life savings, or maybe you've lost your confidence in God, in His love for you. That's when you would be so glad to receive "the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness"(Is. 61:3). If God said, "Let me dress you in something that causes your soul to wake up and sing" and you haven't sung in a very, very long time, that would be quite an experience.

I used to go around belting out that old song based on Scripture "Put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, life up your voice and sing..." in times when I needed to rouse my soul to action and faith. Now I see that what I could do, instead, is call out and ask my Heavenly Fashion Consultant to dress me in the garment of His choice, for the season I'm in- and let me know that this is completely for my good.

If I trust Him- really trust Him- I'll tell him to have His way with me, and then I'll get ready to be dressed in such a way that I shine or sparkle or sing...or maybe I'll just know that what He chose for me was only, and completely, out of love.

Clam Chowder and Sunshine

We've been on vacation this week. I did not realize how shallow my breathing had become, how frantic and frenzied my pace was, how ready I was to take a week and slow the pace down to the thick slow drip of New England Clam chowder dripping off a spoon. That we've done nothing but read, sit at the beach, eat, play cards, laugh, eat, and read is a testament to the perfection of this vacation. Our family didn't really need a lot of entertainment or roller coaster rides or crowds of people. What we needed was family time, food, fun, and life at the pace of a hot summer day when you feel like your only responsibility is to live and love.

Instead of a phone constantly ringing in the background, I hear my kids cheerfully discussing the choice of ice cream or slushies. Or I should say that Abby, my daughter, is cheerfully discussing the choices and Alex is nodding slightly and without regard for her question because he has his headphones on and a book in his hand. His job, as a kid going off to college in a month, is to accommodate our time together as a family without letting on too much that he is enjoying himself.

I'm so relaxed. You would be too- if you were sitting at the beach and listening to the roar of the ocean, and feeling very small but loved. You see the ocean, hear it roar, wonder at its presence, and then remember that the God who created it is the God who has a plan for your life. You sit at the beach and see all the people, hear them, feel the sun beat down on your skin- and yet you are miles away in thought. You're feeling hope and you're starting to dream bigger. You're letting go of hurts and confusion. There are possibilities, endless possibilities, when you feel refreshed, rejuvenated...and loved.

What Happens When Women are Expecting

I'm not talking about swollen ankles and gestational diabetes and craving for chocolate. I'm talking about what happens when women are expecting God to move mightily in their midst. I'm talking about the retreat I was at this past weekend. I'm talking about how it's possible to pour yourself out to others- and yet leave filled to overflowing.

The ladies of Grace Chapel invited me to come and be their Speaker this past weekend at their annual retreat up in the quiet place of Speculator, NY. But really I was invited into the presence of God, the joy and feasting that God spreads out for His children who need Him...and know that they need Him.

Some of the things that occurred over the weekend were expected. I prepared four teachings and the women prepared their hearts prayerfully. The two Worship Leaders, Robyn and Diane, prepared- bringing their keyboard and guitar and their rich voices ready to sing out God's praises. (Listen to their inspiring song, God is here at their website.) The kitchen help prepared great meals. The prayer team prepared to intercede continually for the whole weekend.

But who could have prepared for all the joyous unexpected things such as the warm welcome they gave me and my "Whirling Dish Towel Worship Dance"? (All I can tell you ,blog readers, is that you had to be there- and that I'm not that shy about sharing what I do when I get desperate to connect with God!!) (See the first comment here for a more detailed account-against my better judgment!)

Who could have prepared for the close knit fellowship of so many women from all ages, different churches, and carrying different burdens when they came in?But nobody went home carrying those burdens.We cast them off- with laughter, with tears, with open sharing, with open hands that told God we were in need of a real big filling of our cup.

And boy did He fill us up.

Wow

I just got back from teaching at a women's retreat this weekend and all I can say is....WOW. God always does "abundantly above what we can ask or imagine", doesn't He? He refills the empty cup. He splashes color on pale, dry ground. He energizes those who need to continue onward and upward, and who think that maybe they can't go another step. They find out, though, that they can.

You can always take a step further with God. Even if the miles stretch before you, you only have to think about a step at a time. You only have to rest your mind on the goodness of God displayed all around you; shown in the "land of the living".

I'll share more later. But for now, I have to unpack, hug my family, refill an empty fridge, and walk around with a big smile on my face because of all the wonderful things that God is up to. That He joyfully let me catch a glimpse of some of these things makes me just smile even more.

I'm physically exhausted, but I've never been more ready to go onward with Him.

Even Now

My husband has been so sick with a bad upper respiratory infection, my son is fighting a cold, and we all are sleeping rather poorly at night. I wake up feeling older and exhausted lately. The only one who is spring-like and frisky is our dog, Harry. He seems to be sensing the newness of Spring and feeling his vitality renewed. But even as I cuddle with my blond mop of a dog, I feel two lumps on his back and I feel....concerned. The Vet checked him out a couple weeks ago and said she thought it was nothing serious, but that we should monitor him and bring him back in a couple months for a re-check.

I've been sensing the battle, not for our physical health so much, but a battle over our joy and our ability to rejoice. Winter can wear you out, but there's so much more that also weighs us down. The economic picture hasn't been good lately,and I don't think anybody listening to the nightly news is going to walk around laughing and smiling afterwards. Pressures and concerns are mounting for many people. If you yourself are not feeling a bit unsettled by things, you probably know someone who is.

Next weekend is the Easter celebration. For the Christian, this is the highlight of our year. This holiday is more than just religious or spiritual, though. It affects us physically and emotionally as well. After all, the Resurrection account was spiritual, literal, physical, and it affected the societal and spiritual landscape of that time, and it affects our time, our life, today.

I need some Resurrection power in my life right now. The thing that I've recently been made aware of is that I really can't tell when God is at work in my life. Not always. Sometimes I get circumstantially encouraged or I "see" myself making progress, or I "feel" faith arise in me. And then there are those times when I don't feel a thing happening in me or around me. I don't see progress and I don't feel any breakthroughs occurring. I might even feel like I am lapsing, regressing, or breaking down. But God's Resurrection Power works best in situations where all looks hopeless or bleak. His power is for those who are weary or for those who are "done"- as in, "having done all....stand." (Eph 6:13).

Whether I feel down or I feel depleted is not the critical thing. It's what I KNOW about my situation that matters. I have to know that there is a Savior, and that He saves...continually. Present tense. Present progressive. He will not stop saving me. He will not stop "redeeming the years the locusts have eaten".

I think about that and I get a second wind. I get a touch of what initially feels like Spring Fever, and then I realize it's much more than that. It's His Resurrection Power- and the power has first touched my mind, renewed my thinking, so that even though I feel weak, even though I see....nothing, yet I will powerfully rejoice in Him, as an act of my will, as an assertion of my belief. I will do this, because He is saving me...even now.

Fig trees may no longer bloom,

or vineyards produce grapes;

olive trees may be fruitless,

and harvest time a failure;

sheep pens may be empty,

and cattle stalls vacant--

but I will still celebrate

because the Lord God

saves me.

The Lord gives me strength.

He makes my feet as sure as those of a deer,

and he helps me stand on the mountains.

(Hab.3:17-19)

Fill 'er Up

My dog has put his foot down (I mean, paw) about something and it doesn't look like he's budging on this. Harry has decided he will not drink water from the tap. Our water is from a well, and maybe he can smell the minerals or the residue of clay in the water. Either way, he has decided that when we fill up his water bowl he is not going to partake of it.

Instead, he goes to the door something-like twenty times a day, begging to be let out so that he can...eat snow. That's his beverage of choice. Fresh snow. White fluffy snow. Anything but tap water in his bowl.

Now I don't know what he is going to do when Spring comes and the snow melts. He may decide to rescind his strange gourmet taste for snow and go back to tap water in the bowl. He will have to. Because I am not importing snow for him just so that he is not thirsty.There's plenty of water right at hand. He drank it before winter came with its fluffy snow to partake of, and he will drink it again when the snow has melted.

I think I am perturbed with Harry because his fussiness reminds me of myself. Every time I start to tell God I am in need, He asks me if I've had a drink of His living water. When I want to recount my problems or my challenges, He just hears me tell Him I'm thirsty for more of Him. He knows when I am thirsty before I even do. And His offer of refreshing water still stands. "... 'Anyone who is thirsty may come to me! Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart’” John 7:37,38.

It's not that His Word and His presence do not satisfy us. They do. It's that I generally, initially, want other things first: I want answers, I want miracles, I want evidence of His working on my behalf. When I'm done telling Him what I want, He then tells me what I need: You're thirsty, Lauren. You want Me. You want a drink of Me.

So I take a drink of His goodness. Sometimes I don't like the initial taste of the living water. I can be fussy, like a colicky baby. But even if water tastes like river rock or tastes like clay, it still quenches my thirst. That's the whole point of sipping it,gulping it down, swirling it around our mouth and swallowing. We need water. We are so thirsty. Continually thirsty. And thank God for that- because then I remember the answer for my continual thirst, I need you, Lord. I need You.

Staying Around for More

Lingering at the table after a good meal, for the sake of just talking, is something you don't see much of. Every one's busy nowadays and it's rare that families eat meals together as a usual thing. Because it was such a major component of my life when I was growing up, I just planned that it would be the same for our family of four- and it has been a pretty sure thing that we eat supper together every single night.

Now, I try to do my part in making the kids want to be there by not doing some of the things that my mother did when I was growing up. Like, for example, serving a strange looking dish with something brown and firm looking centered on the plate, and me asking her, "Mom, what's this?". She answered me in a light breezy way, "Oh, that's just...meat" and went back to puttering around on the stove. My suspicions were definitely raised, because if it was ground beef or chicken or steak she could have just said so. But since she tried to sneak venison or squirrel or God-only-knows what animal onto my plate, I was even more on guard every time I came to the dinner table. That's how it was at my home when I was growing up: my parents were determined to get us eating very strange, healthy things- and we kids were determined to find out what these things were before they entered our mouths.

It's stressful having dinner and playing "Name that Animal on Your Plate". But for some families, the stress of the family meal has to do with what's missing. It's uncomfortable to hang around and talk after a meal because...well, we don't talk to each other before meals or between meals, so why start now?

I thought about this during Church this morning. Actually, I thought about it after the service was over, and we were invited to linger as the Worship Team played on. Many of us stayed in the sanctuary. We stayed in our seats, some of us with our head in our hands, some standing and clapping, some sitting quietly as the worship team stayed and the band played on. And on.

It was so good. I didn't want to leave. It was like we had just been given a very good meal- adequate and nutritious. But then we decided to stay and linger. And by lingering around the table of bounty, the table of fellowship, everyone became more aware of just how good a spiritual meal we had just received. Interestingly, statistics tell us that it takes twenty minutes after we've eaten a meal to feel full- and I think there may be a spiritual correlation as well. Those who lingered were starting to experience the fullness, the weighty presence of God. Our cup was getting filled and filled. Right then. Our faith reservoir was being refreshed.

I heard God whisper to my spirit, "Just linger here at my table." And I did. I just gave in and lingered in the beautiful enveloping peace of His presence. I realized many times God has offered me sustenance and refreshing and I took a bite or a sip and then rushed off- and I could have had more. So much more.

So Bill and I lingered. We stayed. "Thou preparest a table before me..." the psalmist writes- and not just when your enemies are around you. He also prepares a table at every point you need more. It's good to linger at the table where God is there with food for your soul, wind for your sails. By lingering on, you're telling God you believe He has more for you.You're showing God that you see Him as Your Provider, Your Sustainer, Your Bread of Life. And there's more, always more, for those who wait on Him.

Quiet Time

Call it a Quiet Time Out ...for Grown Ups. No, I haven't been bad. (Well, by that I mean I haven't been bumbling around in my human failing any more so than usual). But I have been asking God to speak to my heart, to speak to the issues I have brought before Him. And I think that before I can hear Him, I have to dial down, quiet my heart, and welcome a silent period where I finally have nothing to say, but a lot to learn.

I'm not sure if my husband has noticed that lately I am asking fewer questions when we have our morning coffee. I am not even writing much in my journal. Ideas for books and articles, and for new teaching workshops have quieted down to a whisper. I don't have a million ideas running through my mind like I normally do. I especially don't have the physical energy, now that my back muscles are slo-o-owly healing. So maybe this is what God is "working together for good"- my bad back, my tongue becoming silent, my eyes on Him- because where else do Answers come from?!

When we were kids, my family watched the movie, The King and I, starring Yul Brenner, and I swear that my father learned way too much from that King of Siam. It was around that time that my Dad started to adopt pithy phrases that quickly let us know the main point he was making. One phrase he would say as sternly and majestically as the King of Siam did was, "If you listen, you will learn!" We joke about it, even to this day.

But on a serious note, that's not how God is speaking to me. It's not like He is severely admonishing me to cease talking and sit up straight if I want to hear the secrets of life. It's more like God is saying, "Lauren, are you done talking, done trying to figure it all out?Because if you're done projecting and analyzing possibilities, I have a few things I'd like to share with you."

He knows that there comes a time when we have to run out of steam and come to the point where we voluntarily say, I really do want to listen, Lord. I have no ideas of my own anymore. He knows that what I desperately want more than anything is wisdom. I want to be discerning of the hand of God in my life, and to "see" the open doors He provides even though they don't look open in the way I would have thought.

"For those who love what you reveal, everything fits—
no stumbling around in the dark for them. " Psalm 119:165 The Message

God is not short on desire to reveal His will for our lives. We have the general will of God in Scripture.But then there are times in our lives when we need a little more guidance in specific areas. In these areas I want to do all I can to hear God's counsel and to appropriate it, benefit from it, and rejoice that God doesn't want us stumbling around in the dark.

One Scripture that my younger sister quoted to me, over twenty years ago, when Bill and I were first embarking on pastoral ministry in small New England towns, was a Proverb that has always made me take a deep breath of hope and peace.

"But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day" Prov.4:18.

So even if I get quieter and quieter as I wait on God to speak, to clarify, to point me in the way I should go, I know that my path will get brighter and brighter. I think that's a good exchange. And my family is quite happy about the arrangement as well.

Excuses, Excuses!

Let me tell you, I am one hot mama. Literally. The heating pad is under my back and I am burning up. But the heat feels so good that I don't care if I'm burning hot. Sometimes to get through the pain you have to go through some hot times, you know?

I think I know how this back of mine got out of whack. A week and a half ago I was down in Kentucky with my son, visiting a college. It was bitterly cold. We walked all over the place, from dorm to cafeteria to admissions hall and back to the B&B I was staying at down the road. I walked everywhere for two and half days straight. I had on new shoes- nothing fancy like spiked heels. Just a pair of rubber soled wedged clogs. They were comfortable- but they did have about an inch and a half of a rise in the heel. Normally I run around in these wool flat slip ons with rubber soles, but a woman has to dress up once in a while, you know? So I did.

But when you're on heels, you lean forward, walk putting pressure on your pelvic area, and use different leg muscles. Add in to that the fact that I was constantly cold and tightening all my muscles in reaction to the bitter cold. I returned home without seeing any effect from this, and I think I'm hunky dory. (Wherever did that term come from?!)

Then this past Saturday as I spent the whole day running around, at the mall with my daughter, walking on cement floors, my bodily suddenly protested. My back said this feels different, and wham! the muscles seize up and the lower back goes out. Now this is just my take on what I think happened. I mean, I know my body and I should know what is too much for it,or what causes it to break down.

I know that if I go too many nights without sleep that I can get hysterical. I remember with baby #2 (our Abby) that I went so many months (nine, ten, eleven?) without a full night's sleep that I started to get desperate and hysterical.

"I'll never sleep through the night again the rest of my life," I sobbed to my husband. Mr. Stick-to-the-Facts Himself thought I was being ridiculous and that of course the baby would eventually sleep through the night and therefore so would I. But to me, it felt like my body would never get that reprieve ever again.

I have to admit that I got a bit dramatic yesterday with Bill and was starting to get fearful about this body of mine not being able to take a simple thing like two and a half days of walking around without having my back fall apart.

"If I can't take that now, it's only going to get worse as I get older," I said to my husband, sighing.

"You have to exercise and take better care of your body. You're small, but you don't have much muscle tone. You need to work out with weights more," he said.

"But you were going to be my trainer," I retorted in protest, remembering that he did offer to help me work out with weights. "It's up to you to get me downstairs, to the weight machine, and motivate me to workout, tell me I'm doing it right, and cheer me on and..."

"And anything else you'd like?" he asked me, staring at me with those blue eyes that know me so well, that see through all my excuses.

"No," I said smiling, "Nothing else. That'll do."


"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..." Isaiah 30:15


So who's with me? Do I have any strength training buddies out there ready to pump some iron, ready to trust God for more strength, ....ready to learn to be quiet when you don't have a good enough excuse?!!