You know, I normally don't avoid writing on my blog. I usually have a lot to say. (My poor sweet husband can verify this truth). But today, with my two kids at school- their first day back, and my son in his final, senior year- there is a feeling I have of being....blank. Like a blank page. And I think it's because God is going "next". I've said a lot lately, pondered, questioned, pursued and initiated...and now God has some things to say to me.
I don't want to have a scene, like Job and his friends did, where God shows up and says, in effect, "My turn to talk. Now you'll all answer MY questions." If God did that, I would be in a faint on the floor- me and my flabby heart all a dither. I don't think I have a pretty swoon- (I've never fainted and feel a bit defrauded of the opportunity to be a damsel in distress).
But the distress of my soul right now has to do with me feeling tired and not wanting to feel guilty about that.I need a reprieve. I'd like a period of my life to begin where everything just floats along, no big decisions need to be made, no financial pressures arise, no scenes of conflict occur...just peace. Doesn't everyone?! We're all in some stage of a battle. Where are you at?
The heat of the battle is where soldiers faint, not so much from physical exhaustion as they do from mental and emotional weariness-to-the bone.
Depression can begin when we don't know what we're dealing with, nor know the weight of what we carry. Often we don't realize our load has been getting heavier and heavier. Someone should shout out- 'Hey, that's too much for you!" or we should say to ourselves, "I'm going to roll this burden off on Him- HE can handle it!" But that would take a cognizant awareness of our state, a thermometer into our soul which we pull out and say, "Hmmmm, I see...."
Often we DON'T see. We think we must be brave and strong and forget to remind everyone, ourselves included, that we're only as brave as we should be. Should I take on one more load and break the camel's back? Should I add one more burden when I should really roll them off - all off- my shoulders?
We should speak to the enemy of our soul who seeks to make us unaware of our condition, of our need for liberation, of our need for refreshment, that we've seen his strategy to make us blind to our condition. When the well is dry, it must be refilled. When our shoulders are drooping, we need to hear a good word. And if we can't find someone to speak that good word to us, then we must say it to ourselves:
"Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise; Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD is a light for me" Micah 7:8
I can't even think "I WILL rise" if I don't know I have fallen. It's okay to have fallen down under the pressure, to get depleted. While It's not okay to make that your permanent state, it is something we go through at times.
I think people who get depleted can be the ones who are most ready for God to do a miracle in their lives. He can display His power and glory- and not just in renewing our strength but in reviving our soul so that it laughs again and is ready to fight onward. I feel the warrior spirit within me,rising, even now, just thinking about how God will revive my soul- make it feistier and bolder than what it was before.
The book of my life is open. God is about to write a new thing on the page. I lean over to see what it is- curious, hopeful, renewed even by the thought that GOD is going to do something in me. He smiles at me, commending me for wanting to know.
We should always want to know the truth...that sets us FREE.