Two weeks from today my first child, my son Alex, leaves for college- and not a college in a nearby town but in a southern state 13 hours away by car. This is the child who was born 3 1/2 weeks premature, weighing 4 lbs. 14 ozs, and who didn't weigh what a normal new born would weigh till he was three months old. My husband kept saying "He looks like a little squab" as we looked at baby photos of him the other day.
This is the child who has aged me considerably these last two years. He was only doing what he had to do- which was asserting himself, trying out independence and autonomy; and I was only doing what a mother does- which was letting go, or trying to learn to let go while watching over him fiercely like the mother hawk that I am. I don't know how to love casually and dis-interestedly. But I had to learn to love from an increasing hands-off distance. I would give myself a C, so far.
At least I am not failing the Course "How to Be the Mother of a Teenage Son". The only mother who fails that course is the mother who gives up...permanently. I have given up many times. Usually at the dinner table. My son reminded me of that last night. My level of frustration will rise as the level of my son's humor-turned-into-sarcasm sometimes rises, and I'll throw my hands up, and retreat to the bedroom for some peace. (I normally did this when the supper turned out to be dry or burnt. It was easier to retreat then.)
But I only gave up temporarily. You're allowed to do that. Some nice people call it surrendering. Some Christians- the gracious kind- will murmur how you are wise to give up, to let go, to walk away. Even if I yelled out, "I quit! I'm not going to mother you anymore. Do your own laundry and make your own meals!", I meant it...for only an hour or so. Then that need to love and care for someone who tried my patience would return and I would buck up and brace myself to go on clumsily mothering my soon-to-fly-off little chickadee. Only this chickadee grows a beard in a day and walks like a man and sometimes comes back home for a quick hug and a whisper of encouragement to me: "You're not so bad, Mom".
That's what will ring in my ears as he and his Dad fill the car with all his stuff and drive off to take him to his college, to take him to his future. I might feel a bit teary eyed but then I'll think of all that awaits him: the challenges, the fun, the growing, the discovery of it all. And then when I walk into the house and see the silent drum set in the garage, and hear no raucous music blasting from his room, and see no dirty clothes lying around the bathroom floor, I'll whisper to myself, "It's not so bad." And then I'll know that he and I can do this thing called Letting go.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
How Do You Spell S-U-C-C-E-S-S?
Saturday my Dad threw a party. My brother Mark and my two sisters and all the grandchildren gathered over at my parents' house to eat lobster and sweet corn from my brother's organic garden. Only my brother Joe and his family were not there (because they live in Pennsylvania). But we added in Laurenzo, my cousin, from my Dad's side of the family, and his daughter. When I introduced my daughter to his daughter, I tried to explain that she was a second (or was it third?) cousin, but Laurenzo gently rebuked me and said, "In South America, there are no second or third cousins. It is simply primo, cousin; you are family, and there are no second or thirds."
So we feasted and of course, we danced. Or I should say, they danced. I'm not into the salsa and tango and mambo or anything else that requires me to whirl around the dance floor shaking my hips. I must have missed out on that gene when it was passed out. Instead, I wound up out in the screened in porch overlooking the garden, discussing choice of majors, colleges, and careers with my nephews and one of my brothers-in law. I started to recall the days when I did recruiting and personnel placement. I wanted to help my nephew zero in on his heart's desire rather than choose a college major and a career based on what pays, who is hiring, and where the majority go.
Later, after we got home, I felt restless. And the restlessness didn't go away. What kept surfacing in my mind was the whole issue of how we navigate the major crossroads of our lives, the turning points when you have to make a choice, or by not making a choice to do something, you have inadvertently chosen something by default. The whole issue of success- or what is success- has been on the back burner of my mind, constantly simmering, never coming to full boil, but not cooling down either.
How we define success will influence our level of peace and contentment. And what, exactly, is success? Should the Christian have a different definition of success than the world does? According to wordnet, success is:an event that accomplishes its intended purpose;
an attainment that is successful;
a state of prosperity or fame;
achiever: a person with a record of successes; (wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)
Now that last one-"a person with a record of successes"- can be a real doozy. If I choose the Lord Jesus Christ as my role model, and I look at His life, I find that He has successes and yet He has what looks like... failures. After all, in one town, "He could do no miracle there except that He laid His hands on a few sick people and healed them" (Mark 6:5). For Jesus, doing a "few" miracles is an apparent failure compared to the great success He had in other towns. And we could go on and on about the many times Christ looked like a failure, when Jesus withdrew from the crowds (Conquerors never withdraw), when Jesus looked like a bloody, broken mess dying on the cross (Successful people avoid looking bad at all costs, don't they?).
"God called Jesus to what seemed absolute disaster...His life was an absolute failure from every standpoint except God's" writes Oswald Chambers. And that's the word we have to remember: standpoint. It's not a common word. It has to do with viewpoint, stance, mental attitude. It's a position you take from which you make your decision: is this the right thing to do? Is this what it means to succeed?
To succeed means to prevail and to win the victory. That's how I define success. "And this is the victory that overcomes the world-- even our faith" (1 John 5:4). Our faith in Him leads us to obey Him. Successful is the one who obeys. Successful is the one who trusts Him even though it looks like your ship is sinking. Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" and He was talking about what it felt like, what it looked like, when his world was falling apart. It can look like you are a failure- from the standpoint of one who trusts in attainment and fame. Or it can look like your world is shaky, your trophies have fallen, and yet your faith is still in the One who defines what success is for us.
Each time I trust when I want to fear, I am successful. Each time I reach out when it would be easier to pull back, I am successful. Each time I say, "Yes, Lord- even though I don't understand what You're doing", I have won the victory.
So we feasted and of course, we danced. Or I should say, they danced. I'm not into the salsa and tango and mambo or anything else that requires me to whirl around the dance floor shaking my hips. I must have missed out on that gene when it was passed out. Instead, I wound up out in the screened in porch overlooking the garden, discussing choice of majors, colleges, and careers with my nephews and one of my brothers-in law. I started to recall the days when I did recruiting and personnel placement. I wanted to help my nephew zero in on his heart's desire rather than choose a college major and a career based on what pays, who is hiring, and where the majority go.
Later, after we got home, I felt restless. And the restlessness didn't go away. What kept surfacing in my mind was the whole issue of how we navigate the major crossroads of our lives, the turning points when you have to make a choice, or by not making a choice to do something, you have inadvertently chosen something by default. The whole issue of success- or what is success- has been on the back burner of my mind, constantly simmering, never coming to full boil, but not cooling down either.
How we define success will influence our level of peace and contentment. And what, exactly, is success? Should the Christian have a different definition of success than the world does? According to wordnet, success is:
Now that last one-"a person with a record of successes"- can be a real doozy. If I choose the Lord Jesus Christ as my role model, and I look at His life, I find that He has successes and yet He has what looks like... failures. After all, in one town, "He could do no miracle there except that He laid His hands on a few sick people and healed them" (Mark 6:5). For Jesus, doing a "few" miracles is an apparent failure compared to the great success He had in other towns. And we could go on and on about the many times Christ looked like a failure, when Jesus withdrew from the crowds (Conquerors never withdraw), when Jesus looked like a bloody, broken mess dying on the cross (Successful people avoid looking bad at all costs, don't they?).
"God called Jesus to what seemed absolute disaster...His life was an absolute failure from every standpoint except God's" writes Oswald Chambers. And that's the word we have to remember: standpoint. It's not a common word. It has to do with viewpoint, stance, mental attitude. It's a position you take from which you make your decision: is this the right thing to do? Is this what it means to succeed?
To succeed means to prevail and to win the victory. That's how I define success. "And this is the victory that overcomes the world-- even our faith" (1 John 5:4). Our faith in Him leads us to obey Him. Successful is the one who obeys. Successful is the one who trusts Him even though it looks like your ship is sinking. Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" and He was talking about what it felt like, what it looked like, when his world was falling apart. It can look like you are a failure- from the standpoint of one who trusts in attainment and fame. Or it can look like your world is shaky, your trophies have fallen, and yet your faith is still in the One who defines what success is for us.
Each time I trust when I want to fear, I am successful. Each time I reach out when it would be easier to pull back, I am successful. Each time I say, "Yes, Lord- even though I don't understand what You're doing", I have won the victory.
Friday, August 01, 2008
The Opportunity Before Me
I thought when I got back from vacation that I would be able to retain the newfound peace and sense of refreshment...but it's been a battle. Life comes at you with appointments, errands to run, children's needs to take care of, and you're flying all over the place taking care of these things when all of a sudden you realize your heart is racing, you're a bit agitated, and the sunny, peaceful beach days of vacation are long past. You could almost think you have to let go of what you gained. Almost. But I've decided that its mine to keep- the rest, the refreshment, the sense of contentment.
Even though this month of August is the THE month for change, for good-byes, for traveling, for visits, and for starting new things, it is still summer vacation. I've got to make sure I glean all I can out of the sun and the laughter and the taste of watermelon and the smell of sunscreen and sweat. "Summertime and the living is easy" that jazzy song tells us- but it's really not that easy to relax. It's doable, but not easy.
In about three weeks, my husband drives our son down to Kentucky for the beginning of his life away at college. Then a week after that, I fly down to Nashville to visit my niece. Then a week after that, I begin homeschooling our daughter. We have decided to go back to homeschooling her after two years of middle school education at a Christian school. It's going to be an interesting year, and possibly a bit quieter- with our son gone. (No more beating drums and blasting music). But one thing it will not be is routine. Everything is changing. There are more changes I will tell you about. And I've got to flex with it all.
"If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish- His purpose is the process itself" (My Utmost for His Highest 7/28). Now that "calm, faithful, and unconfused" part is a real mouthful. I normally don't major in calm (my husband does). I struggle with being faithful (but my dog, Harry, doesn't). But the unconfused part- well, that I am getting better at. I am no longer dismayed and floored by the changes and the suddenness of how life throws something new at you. This part- life's ups and downs- this part I expect. More than ever.
One life changing thing I learned from reading The Success Principles was to look at problems as an opportunity to learn something. And where there are problems, there's stress. And where there's stress, there's a need for surrender. "If you want to remain calm and peaceful as you go through life, you have to have high intention and low attachment. You do everything you can to create your desired outcomes, and then you let it go" writes Jack Canfield. And he is absolutely right.
But the letting go part is the killer. Acting as if you can trust God to take care of what you cannot is a beautiful expression of faith. But this is not beautiful as in "sittin' pretty". This is beautiful as in the praying, releasing, worrying and then praying and releasing all over again. This is work. This is the beautiful work of the Christian- "letting it go" into the hands of God.
When we let go of what is happening and our expectation of how something should turn out, we can look for the surprise God had in mind for us, rather than the expected Outcome we had wanted. Canfield says it best when he writes, "Instead of getting upset when things don't unfold as you anticipated, always ask yourself the question, 'What's the possibility that this is?'"
So many changes occurred in these last months that I could be very confused about what God wants from me. Or I could view all these changes and problems as opportunities, possibilities. There's always the possibility that God has something different in mind- different than what you were thinking.
I am quite uncertain about what God is doing, right now, in my life. But I am not confused as to his motive and His plan: God wants me to learn to "appropriate risk and uncertainty" (The Shack) and by learning to live with all that I don't know or understand, still be certain of His love, still be completely unconfused as to the fact that he is FOR me. He leads me. There's no doubt about that in my mind. He loves me- there's occasional bits of doubt about that, yes; because there are times that are not so loving and comfortable. But oh, the opportunity to grow and trust Him!
Even though this month of August is the THE month for change, for good-byes, for traveling, for visits, and for starting new things, it is still summer vacation. I've got to make sure I glean all I can out of the sun and the laughter and the taste of watermelon and the smell of sunscreen and sweat. "Summertime and the living is easy" that jazzy song tells us- but it's really not that easy to relax. It's doable, but not easy.
In about three weeks, my husband drives our son down to Kentucky for the beginning of his life away at college. Then a week after that, I fly down to Nashville to visit my niece. Then a week after that, I begin homeschooling our daughter. We have decided to go back to homeschooling her after two years of middle school education at a Christian school. It's going to be an interesting year, and possibly a bit quieter- with our son gone. (No more beating drums and blasting music). But one thing it will not be is routine. Everything is changing. There are more changes I will tell you about. And I've got to flex with it all.
"If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish- His purpose is the process itself" (My Utmost for His Highest 7/28). Now that "calm, faithful, and unconfused" part is a real mouthful. I normally don't major in calm (my husband does). I struggle with being faithful (but my dog, Harry, doesn't). But the unconfused part- well, that I am getting better at. I am no longer dismayed and floored by the changes and the suddenness of how life throws something new at you. This part- life's ups and downs- this part I expect. More than ever.
One life changing thing I learned from reading The Success Principles was to look at problems as an opportunity to learn something. And where there are problems, there's stress. And where there's stress, there's a need for surrender. "If you want to remain calm and peaceful as you go through life, you have to have high intention and low attachment. You do everything you can to create your desired outcomes, and then you let it go" writes Jack Canfield. And he is absolutely right.
But the letting go part is the killer. Acting as if you can trust God to take care of what you cannot is a beautiful expression of faith. But this is not beautiful as in "sittin' pretty". This is beautiful as in the praying, releasing, worrying and then praying and releasing all over again. This is work. This is the beautiful work of the Christian- "letting it go" into the hands of God.
When we let go of what is happening and our expectation of how something should turn out, we can look for the surprise God had in mind for us, rather than the expected Outcome we had wanted. Canfield says it best when he writes, "Instead of getting upset when things don't unfold as you anticipated, always ask yourself the question, 'What's the possibility that this is?'"
So many changes occurred in these last months that I could be very confused about what God wants from me. Or I could view all these changes and problems as opportunities, possibilities. There's always the possibility that God has something different in mind- different than what you were thinking.
I am quite uncertain about what God is doing, right now, in my life. But I am not confused as to his motive and His plan: God wants me to learn to "appropriate risk and uncertainty" (The Shack) and by learning to live with all that I don't know or understand, still be certain of His love, still be completely unconfused as to the fact that he is FOR me. He leads me. There's no doubt about that in my mind. He loves me- there's occasional bits of doubt about that, yes; because there are times that are not so loving and comfortable. But oh, the opportunity to grow and trust Him!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Awards and Acknowledgments
I'm a bit behind on acknowledging and accepting some beautiful blog awards recently given to me. In fact, I'm a bit behind on a lot of things. So that's what I've been doing since we came home from vacation: I've been catching up on odds and ends, things that must be done, and things that haven't been done that I've put off for quite a while.
One thing about the blog world that is so inspiring is the immediate communication and responses you get to your writing, to your thoughts. Being the mother of a semi-comatose (at times) 18 year old son who graces me with his appreciative responses to my acts of loving service (my mothering and my hovering over him) about once a year, I am touched by these two blog awards I've recently been given. Besides the awards, thank you just for talking to me!
Gi at You Can Hope2
has awarded me a beautiful award with a jazzy Spanish name- Arte Y Pico, which originated here at http://arteypico.blogspot.com/
"What is the meaning of the expression: Arte y Pico
What is the meaning of the expression: And basically, ironically, it translates into a wonderful phrase in Mexico, “lo maximo.” LOL! It will never find its counterpart in English, but if it HAD to, it would be something like, Wow. The Best Art. Over the top."
I'd like to pass this award on to four beautiful blogs that never fail to inspire, encourage, or wow me with their insights and their honesty (and ask that they pass the award on to 3-5 other blogs):
Random Redheaded Ramblings
Weighty Thoughts
Sonflower
This I Do
Then I received from Random Redheaded Ramblings
a colorful award called Robin's Red Award which came out of a personal experience she had with being noticed and identified as the creative, beautiful person she is. This award touched my heart, because I also had an experience with a teacher that changed my life because it changed how I viewed myself. I'll tell you about it sometime.
Thanks for the award Robin!
One thing about the blog world that is so inspiring is the immediate communication and responses you get to your writing, to your thoughts. Being the mother of a semi-comatose (at times) 18 year old son who graces me with his appreciative responses to my acts of loving service (my mothering and my hovering over him) about once a year, I am touched by these two blog awards I've recently been given. Besides the awards, thank you just for talking to me!
Gi at You Can Hope2
has awarded me a beautiful award with a jazzy Spanish name- Arte Y Pico, which originated here at http://arteypico.blogspot.com/
"What is the meaning of the expression: Arte y Pico
What is the meaning of the expression: And basically, ironically, it translates into a wonderful phrase in Mexico, “lo maximo.” LOL! It will never find its counterpart in English, but if it HAD to, it would be something like, Wow. The Best Art. Over the top."
I'd like to pass this award on to four beautiful blogs that never fail to inspire, encourage, or wow me with their insights and their honesty (and ask that they pass the award on to 3-5 other blogs):
Random Redheaded Ramblings
Weighty Thoughts
Sonflower
This I Do
Then I received from Random Redheaded Ramblings
a colorful award called Robin's Red Award which came out of a personal experience she had with being noticed and identified as the creative, beautiful person she is. This award touched my heart, because I also had an experience with a teacher that changed my life because it changed how I viewed myself. I'll tell you about it sometime.
Thanks for the award Robin!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Quote for the Day
"Ah, that is the risk of faith, Mack.
Faith does not grow in the house of certainty."
-The Shack by William P. Young
Faith does not grow in the house of certainty."
-The Shack by William P. Young
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Clam Chowder and Sunshine
We've been on vacation this week. I did not realize how shallow my breathing had become, how frantic and frenzied my pace was, how ready I was to take a week and slow the pace down to the thick slow drip of New England Clam chowder dripping off a spoon. That we've done nothing but read, sit at the beach, eat, play cards, laugh, eat, and read is a testament to the perfection of this vacation. Our family didn't really need a lot of entertainment or roller coaster rides or crowds of people. What we needed was family time, food, fun, and life at the pace of a hot summer day when you feel like your only responsibility is to live and love.
Instead of a phone constantly ringing in the background, I hear my kids cheerfully discussing the choice of ice cream or slushies. Or I should say that Abby, my daughter, is cheerfully discussing the choices and Alex is nodding slightly and without regard for her question because he has his headphones on and a book in his hand. His job, as a kid going off to college in a month, is to accommodate our time together as a family without letting on too much that he is enjoying himself.
I'm so relaxed. You would be too- if you were sitting at the beach and listening to the roar of the ocean, and feeling very small but loved. You see the ocean, hear it roar, wonder at its presence, and then remember that the God who created it is the God who has a plan for your life. You sit at the beach and see all the people, hear them, feel the sun beat down on your skin- and yet you are miles away in thought. You're feeling hope and you're starting to dream bigger. You're letting go of hurts and confusion. There are possibilities, endless possibilities, when you feel refreshed, rejuvenated...and loved.
Instead of a phone constantly ringing in the background, I hear my kids cheerfully discussing the choice of ice cream or slushies. Or I should say that Abby, my daughter, is cheerfully discussing the choices and Alex is nodding slightly and without regard for her question because he has his headphones on and a book in his hand. His job, as a kid going off to college in a month, is to accommodate our time together as a family without letting on too much that he is enjoying himself.
I'm so relaxed. You would be too- if you were sitting at the beach and listening to the roar of the ocean, and feeling very small but loved. You see the ocean, hear it roar, wonder at its presence, and then remember that the God who created it is the God who has a plan for your life. You sit at the beach and see all the people, hear them, feel the sun beat down on your skin- and yet you are miles away in thought. You're feeling hope and you're starting to dream bigger. You're letting go of hurts and confusion. There are possibilities, endless possibilities, when you feel refreshed, rejuvenated...and loved.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Watch Me Dance
Sometimes just the sight of someone rejoicing and celebrating will provoke you to do the same- even if you think you don't currently have reason to celebrate. As one of my Mom's dear friends used to say, "It is never hypocritical to act the way God would want you to feel."
And so, last night, when my daughter and I returned from the movies (having used our two free tickets to see a musical that excelled in celebration even if it lacked in content), I waltzed into the house singing loudly and off-key and unashamedly. It felt so good to belt out a joyous sound, and I realized it's been a while since I majored in joy rather than in problem-solving.
Some people easily celebrate the little things in life, while others have to purpose in their heart to celebrate and rejoice. For some of us, celebrating and rejoicing can seem like a selfish, frivolous thing to do. But lately I've been learning that there is power in celebration. Mainly, I think, because celebration does not have to be done with all your ducks in a row, all your victories in plain sight. In fact, if you wait till you really think you have reason to celebrate, you might be waiting too long. You might go a long time without the wells of rejoicing springing up in your soul. And I know that I can't afford to be dried out. I can't make it if God's life-giving power to celebrate and overcome isn't manifesting in my life.
It's just like the verse that begins with "Believe in the Lord your God and you shall be established;..."(2 Chron. 20:20). The word "believe", here, means to be firm, stable, established. It's basically saying "Establish yourself in the Lord and you will be established." That's how powerful our belief, our conviction, is: it brings us in touch with the One who establishes us, who makes us stand tall and firm.
But you can apply this to the principle of celebration; especially the idea of celebrating by faith. Celebrate what God is doing in your life (even if you don't "see" it all) and you will feel like celebrating! Rejoice and you will be rejoicing. This isn't acting. This isn't fabricating the truth. This is manifesting the truth of which we do not yet see or feel. Because, remember:"It is never hypocritical to act the way God would want you to feel."
So today I'm celebrating breakthroughs and victories of all kinds. Things I don't even know yet. Because God is always up to something good in my life. It's just that sometimes you have to shout and rejoice and celebrate before you even see the victory.
And so, last night, when my daughter and I returned from the movies (having used our two free tickets to see a musical that excelled in celebration even if it lacked in content), I waltzed into the house singing loudly and off-key and unashamedly. It felt so good to belt out a joyous sound, and I realized it's been a while since I majored in joy rather than in problem-solving.
Some people easily celebrate the little things in life, while others have to purpose in their heart to celebrate and rejoice. For some of us, celebrating and rejoicing can seem like a selfish, frivolous thing to do. But lately I've been learning that there is power in celebration. Mainly, I think, because celebration does not have to be done with all your ducks in a row, all your victories in plain sight. In fact, if you wait till you really think you have reason to celebrate, you might be waiting too long. You might go a long time without the wells of rejoicing springing up in your soul. And I know that I can't afford to be dried out. I can't make it if God's life-giving power to celebrate and overcome isn't manifesting in my life.
It's just like the verse that begins with "Believe in the Lord your God and you shall be established;..."(2 Chron. 20:20). The word "believe", here, means to be firm, stable, established. It's basically saying "Establish yourself in the Lord and you will be established." That's how powerful our belief, our conviction, is: it brings us in touch with the One who establishes us, who makes us stand tall and firm.
But you can apply this to the principle of celebration; especially the idea of celebrating by faith. Celebrate what God is doing in your life (even if you don't "see" it all) and you will feel like celebrating! Rejoice and you will be rejoicing. This isn't acting. This isn't fabricating the truth. This is manifesting the truth of which we do not yet see or feel. Because, remember:"It is never hypocritical to act the way God would want you to feel."
So today I'm celebrating breakthroughs and victories of all kinds. Things I don't even know yet. Because God is always up to something good in my life. It's just that sometimes you have to shout and rejoice and celebrate before you even see the victory.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The Way He Does It
I had a dream last night. That may not sound like an earth shattering event, but it can be a turning point in my life. You see, God often talks to me through dreams, and I usually dream almost nightly. But its been about a month or more since I've had a dream. It's been a month of so many changes and disappointments and momentous celebrations that signal a turning point in our life. During this time things got very quiet inside me. I was wrestling with hope and despair, clarity and confusion. I had not anticipated that I was going to go through such a strange season of strained relationships and radical changes.
"There is nothing miraculous or mysterious about the things we can explain. We control what we are able to explain, consequently it is only natural to seek an explanation for everything"(My Utmost for His Highest). But when we can't control whats happening around us, when we don't have an authoritative explanation or proclamation to calm the turbulent waters, things can get very troubled. We want everything we go through to be meaningful and useful for our spiritual growth. But often we don't see what's happening. We don't understand what's happening. We feel things are out of control and therefore that we are in a very precarious situation.
Here's how God speaks to my heart when it is beating fast and my eyes are looking heavenward with hope and confusion: He speaks to me through a dream. Last night's dream was about me explaining to a woman what had been going on in my life these last number of years. And I was not recounting my successes and my glorious moments. I was telling her about where we had felt lost, where we had failed, what moments we had wondered where God was.
This woman was an old acquaintance that I never knew that well. But I knew she represented spiritual integrity. She and her husband had been influential people in our life. My husband and I had connected with this couple in their passion to serve Christ, to take chances, to be authentic, and therefore to come across as very real, very human, and without all the answers.
So as we spoke to each other in my dream, there was this sense of me not having to explain why I was not further along than I was. There was a sense of peace about having had problems, delays, and times of disappointment. She asked me a couple of insightful questions that made me ponder a bit. And then we talked about what her needs were, what her hopes were, and she and I were smiling as she did this. Neither of us had all the answers. But we both had God as our guide. We felt good about that. We felt victorious about that.
So this morning I woke up and felt a burden lifted from my shoulders. God had arranged a very helpful counseling session for me, and it happened in a dream. It was miraculous. It was mysterious. I can't explain how I absorbed the grace, the hope, the clarity that God offered to me in this dream. But I can tell you that I love the way God loves me. When I feel like things are out of control, He mysteriously and miraculously comes to me and whispers insight and peace to my soul.
"There is nothing miraculous or mysterious about the things we can explain. We control what we are able to explain, consequently it is only natural to seek an explanation for everything"(My Utmost for His Highest). But when we can't control whats happening around us, when we don't have an authoritative explanation or proclamation to calm the turbulent waters, things can get very troubled. We want everything we go through to be meaningful and useful for our spiritual growth. But often we don't see what's happening. We don't understand what's happening. We feel things are out of control and therefore that we are in a very precarious situation.
Here's how God speaks to my heart when it is beating fast and my eyes are looking heavenward with hope and confusion: He speaks to me through a dream. Last night's dream was about me explaining to a woman what had been going on in my life these last number of years. And I was not recounting my successes and my glorious moments. I was telling her about where we had felt lost, where we had failed, what moments we had wondered where God was.
This woman was an old acquaintance that I never knew that well. But I knew she represented spiritual integrity. She and her husband had been influential people in our life. My husband and I had connected with this couple in their passion to serve Christ, to take chances, to be authentic, and therefore to come across as very real, very human, and without all the answers.
So as we spoke to each other in my dream, there was this sense of me not having to explain why I was not further along than I was. There was a sense of peace about having had problems, delays, and times of disappointment. She asked me a couple of insightful questions that made me ponder a bit. And then we talked about what her needs were, what her hopes were, and she and I were smiling as she did this. Neither of us had all the answers. But we both had God as our guide. We felt good about that. We felt victorious about that.
So this morning I woke up and felt a burden lifted from my shoulders. God had arranged a very helpful counseling session for me, and it happened in a dream. It was miraculous. It was mysterious. I can't explain how I absorbed the grace, the hope, the clarity that God offered to me in this dream. But I can tell you that I love the way God loves me. When I feel like things are out of control, He mysteriously and miraculously comes to me and whispers insight and peace to my soul.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Verse for the Week
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden,
and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28
and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Quote for the Day
"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.
What we need is to love without getting tired."
-Mother Theresa
What we need is to love without getting tired."
-Mother Theresa
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
He Leadeth Me
It often comes down to one word- expectation. What we expect, we look for. What we expect to receive, we get ready to receive: our hands are out, our hands are open, our eyes are raised heavenward.
My expectation, lately, has been that I will get through "this"; "this" referring to the flood of small take-downs that have occurred these last couple months. I got a call from the doctor the other day and he said, "You don't have Mono again; but you do have a very low red blood cell count. I can see why you almost fainted the other day." It was nice to have someone confirm that you are not a wilting violet of your own volition, but rather, sometimes life comes at you hard and you fall down.
"We fall down and we get up, we fall down and we get up; and the saints are just the sinners who fall down...and get up." Yes, that's the song for me, right now. That beautiful chorus is going through my mind- and with that soothing chorus going through my mind I won't let my heart be troubled by the events and disturbances I recently went through.
You see, I had asked God, several months ago, to confirm what direction I should take, where to go and what to do. I thought God was going to answer my request by leading me directly TO the right place, the right setting. But no, God decided to confirm the direction for me to take by confirming where I don't belong, what I should not be concentrating on, what isn't working in my life.
I never requested that God lead me through only positive events- but that's because I just didn't think that leading someone onward and upward would ever necessitate leading them through painful or negative circumstances. I just simply,and maybe naively, asked Him to lead me- and then some surprising encounters happened, some upsetting events occurred, and I was dismayed and surprised and floored by it all. I shouldn't have been. I should have expected that I would wind up quoting what Job said: "But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10).
Why God deems it necessary to refine and try us, I'm not real sure. I do see that something glorious does happen when we are roughed up by upsetting events and difficult circumstances: I see that the troubling events we go through cause us to trust Him MORE. During these difficult times we often see Him more clearly because we are desperately looking for Him. These tough times are, indeed, tinged with His glory, and therefore could even be called glorious- because HE is WITH us, and He has something good in mind when we are tried and refined. He has a glorious outcome in mind.
God is not a Sadist. He takes no pleasure in our suffering. But He does take pleasure in seeing us learn to differentiate good from evil, and in our learning to value His help, value His perspective, and therefore not be dismayed when trouble rocks our boat. Trouble may rock our boat, but He guides the boat.
My boat has been rocking, lately. I've been surprised by difficult times- and my health is the least of the problems. Feeling faint and weak (part of being Anemic) only adds to me feeling needy and ready for God's help.
But feeling expectant that His help is coming- and that even though the going has been rough, that His help has already come- well, that makes me stay in my rocky boat with my hands stretched out, my eyes heavenward, expectant of His whisper of a wind that will nudge my boat onward, safely, to the shore.
My expectation, lately, has been that I will get through "this"; "this" referring to the flood of small take-downs that have occurred these last couple months. I got a call from the doctor the other day and he said, "You don't have Mono again; but you do have a very low red blood cell count. I can see why you almost fainted the other day." It was nice to have someone confirm that you are not a wilting violet of your own volition, but rather, sometimes life comes at you hard and you fall down.
"We fall down and we get up, we fall down and we get up; and the saints are just the sinners who fall down...and get up." Yes, that's the song for me, right now. That beautiful chorus is going through my mind- and with that soothing chorus going through my mind I won't let my heart be troubled by the events and disturbances I recently went through.
You see, I had asked God, several months ago, to confirm what direction I should take, where to go and what to do. I thought God was going to answer my request by leading me directly TO the right place, the right setting. But no, God decided to confirm the direction for me to take by confirming where I don't belong, what I should not be concentrating on, what isn't working in my life.
I never requested that God lead me through only positive events- but that's because I just didn't think that leading someone onward and upward would ever necessitate leading them through painful or negative circumstances. I just simply,and maybe naively, asked Him to lead me- and then some surprising encounters happened, some upsetting events occurred, and I was dismayed and surprised and floored by it all. I shouldn't have been. I should have expected that I would wind up quoting what Job said: "But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold" (Job 23:10).
Why God deems it necessary to refine and try us, I'm not real sure. I do see that something glorious does happen when we are roughed up by upsetting events and difficult circumstances: I see that the troubling events we go through cause us to trust Him MORE. During these difficult times we often see Him more clearly because we are desperately looking for Him. These tough times are, indeed, tinged with His glory, and therefore could even be called glorious- because HE is WITH us, and He has something good in mind when we are tried and refined. He has a glorious outcome in mind.
God is not a Sadist. He takes no pleasure in our suffering. But He does take pleasure in seeing us learn to differentiate good from evil, and in our learning to value His help, value His perspective, and therefore not be dismayed when trouble rocks our boat. Trouble may rock our boat, but He guides the boat.
My boat has been rocking, lately. I've been surprised by difficult times- and my health is the least of the problems. Feeling faint and weak (part of being Anemic) only adds to me feeling needy and ready for God's help.
But feeling expectant that His help is coming- and that even though the going has been rough, that His help has already come- well, that makes me stay in my rocky boat with my hands stretched out, my eyes heavenward, expectant of His whisper of a wind that will nudge my boat onward, safely, to the shore.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Quote for the Day
"The Christian life is gloriously difficult,
but its difficulty does not make us faint and cave in-
it stirs us up to overcome."
(My Utmost for His Highest)
but its difficulty does not make us faint and cave in-
it stirs us up to overcome."
(My Utmost for His Highest)
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Celebrating the Victory
There were ups and downs, highs and lows, over the weekend- but there was no rain on Sunday, the day we all gathered to celebrate a milestone in our son's life. The days preceding the party were emotionally charged and there were a couple upsetting incidents that clouded our joy. So on Sunday morning, early in the morning, as I laid in bed and looked at at the cloudy sky, I whispered a pleading prayer, "Please God, please- don't let it rain today. Let it be a sign that everything is not always all uphill."
Now that's a dangerous prayer. First of all, because God doesn't have to stop the rain just to make you feel better. Someone may be praying for rain in the house next door to you, and then what does God do?! Secondly, I was asking out of weariness and frustration- not necessarily out of faith.
But God can handle how and why I ask Him for what I do- and God parted the clouds and allowed the sun to come out. There wasn't a drop of rain. Mu, my best friend, arrived at the party early in the evening and told me it was raining at her house (several miles away)- but it wasn't raining at my house.
People gathered on our deck outside, talking and sipping cold drinks. My son was beaming with happiness at the number of people who kept coming. There were new friends, neighbors, school friends and family members. Old friends of our family arrived early, and looked forward to meeting with my parents. But would my Mom come? She's been battling depression and it has been fierce. But there she was, frail and beautiful, smiling tentatively, walking through my front door with loved ones at her side holding her up.
That's what we do when we fall down- we hopefully get held up by love, by loved ones who come rushing in when the wind goes out of our sails. Or in my case, when the knees grow suddenly weak and you're about to faint. I got sick right int he middle of the party. One minute I was chatting with people, feeling a bit ill, and the next minute I was rushing to the bathroom. Due to the heat and having not eaten all day and the emotional upheaval I had been through prior to the party, I suddenly felt the world swim. I became violently ill and wound up lying in bed. Different people came rushing in to check on me. My younger sister took over and began serving food. A dear friend started washing dishes that had piled up in the sink. My husband went out and chatted with guests after I whispered, "Just say that I'm resting for a minute. I'll be right out."I was weak, but people were strong for me. The party went on.
I thought it was heat exhaustion and nausea due to not eating all day and then drinking a few sips of too-sweet-iced tea. But today, several days after the party, I am still feeling ill. It feels like I have Mono again. I'll go get checked out at the doctor's. It's not that big of a deal.
What was a big deal was the day we celebrated my son's graduation from high school. That day was a challenge and it was wonderful. That day was exhausting and it was exhilarating. That day there were people in and around my house, pulling into the driveway, playing music down in our opened garage, milling around the yard, smiling and feasting on food that disappeared quickly. In fact, I ran out of food. But we never ran out of victory. We never ran out of grace. The skies held back the rain, but God let grace, like rain, fall down and we celebrated the victory of being loved by Him.
Now that's a dangerous prayer. First of all, because God doesn't have to stop the rain just to make you feel better. Someone may be praying for rain in the house next door to you, and then what does God do?! Secondly, I was asking out of weariness and frustration- not necessarily out of faith.
But God can handle how and why I ask Him for what I do- and God parted the clouds and allowed the sun to come out. There wasn't a drop of rain. Mu, my best friend, arrived at the party early in the evening and told me it was raining at her house (several miles away)- but it wasn't raining at my house.
People gathered on our deck outside, talking and sipping cold drinks. My son was beaming with happiness at the number of people who kept coming. There were new friends, neighbors, school friends and family members. Old friends of our family arrived early, and looked forward to meeting with my parents. But would my Mom come? She's been battling depression and it has been fierce. But there she was, frail and beautiful, smiling tentatively, walking through my front door with loved ones at her side holding her up.
That's what we do when we fall down- we hopefully get held up by love, by loved ones who come rushing in when the wind goes out of our sails. Or in my case, when the knees grow suddenly weak and you're about to faint. I got sick right int he middle of the party. One minute I was chatting with people, feeling a bit ill, and the next minute I was rushing to the bathroom. Due to the heat and having not eaten all day and the emotional upheaval I had been through prior to the party, I suddenly felt the world swim. I became violently ill and wound up lying in bed. Different people came rushing in to check on me. My younger sister took over and began serving food. A dear friend started washing dishes that had piled up in the sink. My husband went out and chatted with guests after I whispered, "Just say that I'm resting for a minute. I'll be right out."I was weak, but people were strong for me. The party went on.
I thought it was heat exhaustion and nausea due to not eating all day and then drinking a few sips of too-sweet-iced tea. But today, several days after the party, I am still feeling ill. It feels like I have Mono again. I'll go get checked out at the doctor's. It's not that big of a deal.
What was a big deal was the day we celebrated my son's graduation from high school. That day was a challenge and it was wonderful. That day was exhausting and it was exhilarating. That day there were people in and around my house, pulling into the driveway, playing music down in our opened garage, milling around the yard, smiling and feasting on food that disappeared quickly. In fact, I ran out of food. But we never ran out of victory. We never ran out of grace. The skies held back the rain, but God let grace, like rain, fall down and we celebrated the victory of being loved by Him.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Amazing, Truly Amazing
Just found out it may rain off and on most of Sunday, and that's when I'm having over fifty people over to celebrate our son's high school graduation. I had hoped there would be sunshine, flowers blooming, music playing, people strolling over the grounds with a cold soda in hand, teenagers playing volleyball in the backyard. But no, I think we may instead hear rumbles of thunder, see the rain pour down, and feel very very connected that day- perspiring, hot people crammed into our small house, balancing a plate and a drink in hand, smiling and sweating and intently trying to celebrate this milestone in our lives. What loved ones do for each other- it's amazing.
But loved ones also often hurt each other. We bicker, quarrel, bring up the past and resurrect certain "issues"- hot spots if you want to call them that- and these issues can resurface and have to be dealt with over and over again. It can be a hurt from the past, a memory of someone failing you, or a sensitive spot in your heart when a certain word is brought up. Sometimes Family Get Togethers are like volcanoes that decide to suddenly erupt- and you thought it would, you tried to warn those around you that you had a feeling it would erupt- and then, sure enough, it does. What loved ones do to each other- it's amazingly painful.
I keep telling myself- sometimes in a voice of wonder and sometimes in a trembling voice- "God can handle it." I know He is never shocked by outbursts and break downs and fights and fears. He is the One you can go to and say, "I feel a volcano in me about to erupt, and I know its better that we talk first before I talk with anyone else." That's when you'll feel God's hand of approval on you: not because you came to Him all clean and perfect and in complete control, but because you came to Him with a mess on your hand and fear in your heart and stumbling feet...but you came to Him nevertheless. You came to Him because that declaration of faith was running though your mind, firing up your heart in belief- "God can handle it." What God does for us- it's truly amazing.
"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jer. 32:27
But loved ones also often hurt each other. We bicker, quarrel, bring up the past and resurrect certain "issues"- hot spots if you want to call them that- and these issues can resurface and have to be dealt with over and over again. It can be a hurt from the past, a memory of someone failing you, or a sensitive spot in your heart when a certain word is brought up. Sometimes Family Get Togethers are like volcanoes that decide to suddenly erupt- and you thought it would, you tried to warn those around you that you had a feeling it would erupt- and then, sure enough, it does. What loved ones do to each other- it's amazingly painful.
I keep telling myself- sometimes in a voice of wonder and sometimes in a trembling voice- "God can handle it." I know He is never shocked by outbursts and break downs and fights and fears. He is the One you can go to and say, "I feel a volcano in me about to erupt, and I know its better that we talk first before I talk with anyone else." That's when you'll feel God's hand of approval on you: not because you came to Him all clean and perfect and in complete control, but because you came to Him with a mess on your hand and fear in your heart and stumbling feet...but you came to Him nevertheless. You came to Him because that declaration of faith was running though your mind, firing up your heart in belief- "God can handle it." What God does for us- it's truly amazing.
"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jer. 32:27
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
You Won't Be Disappointed
The next couple weeks involve a LOT of running around, events, appointments, trips, decisions. I am gearing up for all this by not only doing a lot of shopping, event planning, stocking of the fridge, and making lists, but also by mentally preparing myself for good times, for celebrating and rejoicing. Just planning the graduation party for my son, alone, is a big feat of strategizing, facing parking challenges, selecting menu choices and preparing myself to run around serving food but at the same time run around with a big smile on my face. I can get so task-oriented that I forget why I am doing the task: that I am celebrating a milestone in my son's life and in our family's life as well. I can forget to enjoy the moment.
Whenever I get ready for an event, I am hopeful. I want to be hopeful. And I should be. But there's always that tinge of "But what if something goes wrong?". And for mothers, there's always that quick-to-action instinct that we have where we are ready to jump in at a moment's notice to fix anything that goes awry. We're ready to do damage control. We are hawk-eyed, on the look out for the least bit of unhappiness in someone, ready to turn that frown into a smile- as if we were a magician. We are often dealing with disappointed people, temporarily forgetting that we have our own disappointments as well.
But lately I have been thinking about this whole concept of disappointment. I have had a number of disappointments in my life- big ones and small ones. Everyone has had disappointments. But not everyone is aware of how these former disappointments have become the bedrock of their perspective. We often take one disappointment, add it to another one we've had, and we begin to have this inner attitude of "See? It never works out when you hope for more". We can develop a negative perspective of things, but tell ourselves that we are just being careful, guarded.
That's why I love how God challenges the Israelites in Isaiah 54. Israel complains of being forsaken, of being disappointed, and God tells them to, instead, prepare for hope, prepare for expansion. He speaks to the barren Israel and tells her to let go of the disappointment. "Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame..."(Is. 54:4a).
I love how, in the CEV version, it says it loud and clear: "You won't be disappointed". A lot of our disappointments come from missed appointments- times when we thought God would move and we took action...and fell flat on our face. Then there were times when God moved radically and quickly in our life and we stepped back into our comfort zone and refused to take the key, the open door He offered, because it led to the unknown, to the New, to the rough terrain of unexplored promised land. Everyone wants the promised land, but not everyone realizes that God often says, "You develop it". When He challenges us to receive something good that involves our rigorous stewardship we often answer with that age old excuse, "I can't".
Why is "I can't" an excuse rather than a plain admission of our capability? Because anything God calls us to, or leads us through, we can, most assuredly, do. We can prevail. We can enjoy the challenge. We can overcome. We can make it.
And that expectation of a good adventure with God is the beginning of us already connecting with hope and faith. Now we're on track. We've had our appointment with God's perspective and we see a bit more clearly, now. We see possibilities. We see God's hand ready to move on our behalf. We know, now, that we will not be disappointed.
So here I go into the day, a long list in hand, a flurry of activity ahead of me. I expect that it may be a challenging day, a very busy week. But I also expect there to be amazing moments where I "see" God nodding His head in approval as I open my mouth and laugh and rejoice in the midst of it all.
Whenever I get ready for an event, I am hopeful. I want to be hopeful. And I should be. But there's always that tinge of "But what if something goes wrong?". And for mothers, there's always that quick-to-action instinct that we have where we are ready to jump in at a moment's notice to fix anything that goes awry. We're ready to do damage control. We are hawk-eyed, on the look out for the least bit of unhappiness in someone, ready to turn that frown into a smile- as if we were a magician. We are often dealing with disappointed people, temporarily forgetting that we have our own disappointments as well.
But lately I have been thinking about this whole concept of disappointment. I have had a number of disappointments in my life- big ones and small ones. Everyone has had disappointments. But not everyone is aware of how these former disappointments have become the bedrock of their perspective. We often take one disappointment, add it to another one we've had, and we begin to have this inner attitude of "See? It never works out when you hope for more". We can develop a negative perspective of things, but tell ourselves that we are just being careful, guarded.
That's why I love how God challenges the Israelites in Isaiah 54. Israel complains of being forsaken, of being disappointed, and God tells them to, instead, prepare for hope, prepare for expansion. He speaks to the barren Israel and tells her to let go of the disappointment. "Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame..."(Is. 54:4a).
I love how, in the CEV version, it says it loud and clear: "You won't be disappointed". A lot of our disappointments come from missed appointments- times when we thought God would move and we took action...and fell flat on our face. Then there were times when God moved radically and quickly in our life and we stepped back into our comfort zone and refused to take the key, the open door He offered, because it led to the unknown, to the New, to the rough terrain of unexplored promised land. Everyone wants the promised land, but not everyone realizes that God often says, "You develop it". When He challenges us to receive something good that involves our rigorous stewardship we often answer with that age old excuse, "I can't".
Why is "I can't" an excuse rather than a plain admission of our capability? Because anything God calls us to, or leads us through, we can, most assuredly, do. We can prevail. We can enjoy the challenge. We can overcome. We can make it.
And that expectation of a good adventure with God is the beginning of us already connecting with hope and faith. Now we're on track. We've had our appointment with God's perspective and we see a bit more clearly, now. We see possibilities. We see God's hand ready to move on our behalf. We know, now, that we will not be disappointed.
So here I go into the day, a long list in hand, a flurry of activity ahead of me. I expect that it may be a challenging day, a very busy week. But I also expect there to be amazing moments where I "see" God nodding His head in approval as I open my mouth and laugh and rejoice in the midst of it all.
Monday, June 23, 2008
And There Arose a Storm
There's nothing quite so exciting as driving through a major downpour and then hearing on the radio that there is a tornado watch and you are about to drive through the critical danger zone. That was my afternoon yesterday. My daughter and I prayed up a storm as we drove through the storm...and we made it through.
Got home and pulled up to the opened garage door where my husband was waiting for us. We ran into the house and my daughter kept saying, "We've got to get down to the basement! That's the only safe place." But there was no tornado- or at least there wasn't one near us.
What there was, however, was a big tree that decided to come down right in front of our house, crashing onto the road and dragging the power lines down with it. Then everything got semi-dark and quiet. I called in our emergency to 911 because we were worried about the live wires being down on the road and about oncoming traffic who might round the curve and run right into the tree and power lines.
After a while we decided it was best to set the best atmosphere possible. My kids dragged out their guitars, and my son and my husband worked on tuning and stringing Alex's guitar. I read my book, lying on the couch and petting our dog to keep him calm. I was half thankful for the family time the storm brought about, and yet also concerned for the families that had more critical situations due to the storm.
You just never know what the day brings. I guess that's why Jesus told us to not worry about tomorrow for today has enough challenges of its own. But sometimes these challenges- these storms- come in with a roar and go out quietly, leaving behind a contemplative heart that ponders how good it is know the goodness of God in the land of the living. And in the land of the living storms may rage, but there's One who can quiet that storm with just one word..."Peace."
It's a blessing, it's a command, and its a declaration: "Peace!".
Got home and pulled up to the opened garage door where my husband was waiting for us. We ran into the house and my daughter kept saying, "We've got to get down to the basement! That's the only safe place." But there was no tornado- or at least there wasn't one near us.
What there was, however, was a big tree that decided to come down right in front of our house, crashing onto the road and dragging the power lines down with it. Then everything got semi-dark and quiet. I called in our emergency to 911 because we were worried about the live wires being down on the road and about oncoming traffic who might round the curve and run right into the tree and power lines.
After a while we decided it was best to set the best atmosphere possible. My kids dragged out their guitars, and my son and my husband worked on tuning and stringing Alex's guitar. I read my book, lying on the couch and petting our dog to keep him calm. I was half thankful for the family time the storm brought about, and yet also concerned for the families that had more critical situations due to the storm.
You just never know what the day brings. I guess that's why Jesus told us to not worry about tomorrow for today has enough challenges of its own. But sometimes these challenges- these storms- come in with a roar and go out quietly, leaving behind a contemplative heart that ponders how good it is know the goodness of God in the land of the living. And in the land of the living storms may rage, but there's One who can quiet that storm with just one word..."Peace."
It's a blessing, it's a command, and its a declaration: "Peace!".
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Free Indeed
Last night my daughter and I watched Dr. Phil ( on T.V.) address the problems of Anorexia and Bulimia. It was agonizing to watch. The stories of these young women were enough to make you wonder if anyone, in this world, feels safe, loved, and hopeful.
Anorexia and Bulimia are two kinds of battles people have with not just the desire to be thin, but really, more the desire to be in control, to be safe, to be loved, to distract yourself with a ritual of purging or exercising or counting every calorie so that the real enemy inside you is temporarily quieted. I know. This is what I battled a long time ago.
Sometimes I even think that it really wasn't me, couldn't have been me, who frantically ran miles every day, ate a bit of cauliflower and some water for her main meal, and did exercises on her bed, at night, for hours. Sometimes it seems like this confused young woman was someone else- because I don't feel the terror or the frantic searching for control that I once felt. But I know it was me. I have photos to prove it was me.
The most memorable photo is the one where I am standing in front of our home and my sister has put up a sign that says "Welcome Home" and I am there, a smile on the face but not in the heart, and standing there-stick thin. I had just returned from my year of study abroad in Spain, but I had also returned having battled something that sprang up, supposedly, out of nowhere. Anorexia was its name but I could have called it so many other things as well: terror, a sudden realization that I was alone, culture shock, isolation, the need to control one tiny thing in my life even if everything else seemed out of control.
That's all I want to say for now about this problem I had so many years ago. I only bring it up now because last night was the first time I talked about it with my thirteen year old daughter. I wanted her to know that I had battled Anorexia, yes; but that I had also battled Fear, Anxiety, Depression, and Self Hatred. I wanted her to know that my strong confidence, now (which sometimes breaks down) is something that comes out of weakness. That "when I am weak, then He is strong" and God is strong enough to get you through the times when you don't even want to be strong, when you don't even want to succeed. God is adept at dealing with our self-sabotage.
Because I feel strong (for the most part), because I feel safe (very much so) and because I am certain of God's love for me, His desire for good for my life, I now look back and wonder how I could not have known these liberating truths. But I remember that its easy to get lost, its common to know hurt and pain and by not dealing with it, let it fester within and then manifest outwardly, someday, on a day you least expect, in a way you never thought.
I remember. God tells us to remember. How many times, just in Deuteronomy 8 alone, does He tell us to remember what we've gone through, remember what He has brought us out of, remember WHERE we are going. We are going to a promised land. And in this land, fear does not reign, sickness does not reign, and hearts are at peace, minds are at rest, because in this land, faith shall be sight. For me, I have decided that it is possible to used to the fact that this land is to be my homeland. That I am to be at peace, even now- and nothing shall rob me of my birthright.
"He who the Son sets free is free indeed." In getting free, I must remember that staying free is also the goal. It's the reality I should know. And I fix my sights on that. He tells me to do so. I want to agree with God, agree with what He has for me.
He'll always make a way for me to get there.
Anorexia and Bulimia are two kinds of battles people have with not just the desire to be thin, but really, more the desire to be in control, to be safe, to be loved, to distract yourself with a ritual of purging or exercising or counting every calorie so that the real enemy inside you is temporarily quieted. I know. This is what I battled a long time ago.
Sometimes I even think that it really wasn't me, couldn't have been me, who frantically ran miles every day, ate a bit of cauliflower and some water for her main meal, and did exercises on her bed, at night, for hours. Sometimes it seems like this confused young woman was someone else- because I don't feel the terror or the frantic searching for control that I once felt. But I know it was me. I have photos to prove it was me.
The most memorable photo is the one where I am standing in front of our home and my sister has put up a sign that says "Welcome Home" and I am there, a smile on the face but not in the heart, and standing there-stick thin. I had just returned from my year of study abroad in Spain, but I had also returned having battled something that sprang up, supposedly, out of nowhere. Anorexia was its name but I could have called it so many other things as well: terror, a sudden realization that I was alone, culture shock, isolation, the need to control one tiny thing in my life even if everything else seemed out of control.
That's all I want to say for now about this problem I had so many years ago. I only bring it up now because last night was the first time I talked about it with my thirteen year old daughter. I wanted her to know that I had battled Anorexia, yes; but that I had also battled Fear, Anxiety, Depression, and Self Hatred. I wanted her to know that my strong confidence, now (which sometimes breaks down) is something that comes out of weakness. That "when I am weak, then He is strong" and God is strong enough to get you through the times when you don't even want to be strong, when you don't even want to succeed. God is adept at dealing with our self-sabotage.
Because I feel strong (for the most part), because I feel safe (very much so) and because I am certain of God's love for me, His desire for good for my life, I now look back and wonder how I could not have known these liberating truths. But I remember that its easy to get lost, its common to know hurt and pain and by not dealing with it, let it fester within and then manifest outwardly, someday, on a day you least expect, in a way you never thought.
I remember. God tells us to remember. How many times, just in Deuteronomy 8 alone, does He tell us to remember what we've gone through, remember what He has brought us out of, remember WHERE we are going. We are going to a promised land. And in this land, fear does not reign, sickness does not reign, and hearts are at peace, minds are at rest, because in this land, faith shall be sight. For me, I have decided that it is possible to used to the fact that this land is to be my homeland. That I am to be at peace, even now- and nothing shall rob me of my birthright.
"He who the Son sets free is free indeed." In getting free, I must remember that staying free is also the goal. It's the reality I should know. And I fix my sights on that. He tells me to do so. I want to agree with God, agree with what He has for me.
He'll always make a way for me to get there.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Taste and See
I have lost my touch in the kitchen. I used to be a pretty good cook, and very good at baking. But somewhere in these last months I have botched up so many meals and served too many dried out tasteless things that I have to wonder what has happened. It's probably because my mind is on so many "closing" details: my son finishing his senior year, planning a graduation party for him, contemplating necessary moves we have to make in different areas of our lives. I am not focused on turning out moist delectable banana breads and muffins. Instead I am intent on making progress, having breakthroughs in areas of my life where I have not yet "gained the victory".
So if you were to come for tea and a snack at my house, I'd be offering you a muffin that is dry, tasteless, and has a chunk of mushy fruit in the middle. I would apologize that it tastes so bland- but I'd be smiling as I say it. It is what it is. You see, I'm not that broken up over my bad cooking and baking skills. I have made progress in other areas of my life, and that matters more to me than being a good cook. At least right now that's the way I feel.
There is something wonderful, though, about biting into something that looks delectable and tasting it, and finding out that it is, indeed, delicious. Anticipating the taste of a fudge covered cookie, biting into it, and letting the buttery shortcake texture of the cookie mix with the fudge flavor in your mouth, is a treat to the senses. The expectation that something will taste good and then the experience of it being better than you thought is one of those "beautiful" experiences in this life.
And that's what I've been reflecting on lately. Especially last night, when hearing over and over that chorus based on the verse- "Taste and see that the Lord is good"(Psalm 34:8). Taste...and then see that the Lord is good. Take a step, take an action of experiencing God's grace, and find out that He is better than you realized, that He is more merciful and kind and loving than you even knew.
I kept thinking about this- that even though we walk by faith, and not by sight, that there are times when God wants us to not only know a deeper experience of Him, but that He invites us to this experience. He sends out an invitation to know more of His mercy, to see Him more clearly, and He is confident that you will not be disappointed.
Now if I invited you to an afternoon snack at my house, I might be hopeful that you'll enjoy it, and there are some days that I might even be close to confident that what I baked tastes good. But it's a bit of a gamble for you to come and taste what I offer.
God, on the other hand, is never half-confident that what He offers you will amaze you. God has no doubts that when you respond to His invitation to experience His goodness that you will be amazed at how good He is, how much more He has planned for you. He is certain that you can experientially know more of His goodness. That's why the psalmist says, we "go from strength to strength" (Psalm 84:7) because there is an increasing revelation of what God is about, how He is FOR us, how He loves us. And this revelation is increasing in our lives.
Every time we take God at His word and reach out to taste His faithfulness and His forgiveness and His mercy, we savor it and say, "Oh, it's so good."
So if you were to come for tea and a snack at my house, I'd be offering you a muffin that is dry, tasteless, and has a chunk of mushy fruit in the middle. I would apologize that it tastes so bland- but I'd be smiling as I say it. It is what it is. You see, I'm not that broken up over my bad cooking and baking skills. I have made progress in other areas of my life, and that matters more to me than being a good cook. At least right now that's the way I feel.
There is something wonderful, though, about biting into something that looks delectable and tasting it, and finding out that it is, indeed, delicious. Anticipating the taste of a fudge covered cookie, biting into it, and letting the buttery shortcake texture of the cookie mix with the fudge flavor in your mouth, is a treat to the senses. The expectation that something will taste good and then the experience of it being better than you thought is one of those "beautiful" experiences in this life.
And that's what I've been reflecting on lately. Especially last night, when hearing over and over that chorus based on the verse- "Taste and see that the Lord is good"(Psalm 34:8). Taste...and then see that the Lord is good. Take a step, take an action of experiencing God's grace, and find out that He is better than you realized, that He is more merciful and kind and loving than you even knew.
I kept thinking about this- that even though we walk by faith, and not by sight, that there are times when God wants us to not only know a deeper experience of Him, but that He invites us to this experience. He sends out an invitation to know more of His mercy, to see Him more clearly, and He is confident that you will not be disappointed.
Now if I invited you to an afternoon snack at my house, I might be hopeful that you'll enjoy it, and there are some days that I might even be close to confident that what I baked tastes good. But it's a bit of a gamble for you to come and taste what I offer.
God, on the other hand, is never half-confident that what He offers you will amaze you. God has no doubts that when you respond to His invitation to experience His goodness that you will be amazed at how good He is, how much more He has planned for you. He is certain that you can experientially know more of His goodness. That's why the psalmist says, we "go from strength to strength" (Psalm 84:7) because there is an increasing revelation of what God is about, how He is FOR us, how He loves us. And this revelation is increasing in our lives.
Every time we take God at His word and reach out to taste His faithfulness and His forgiveness and His mercy, we savor it and say, "Oh, it's so good."
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Review Sessions with My Father
Things are winding up, settling down, ending. The school year is ending, and for my son, his life as a high school student is over and his life as a college student begins in a couple months. But those are not the only big changes in our lives. We are going through transitions of various kinds. And when you're moving forward into new things, its good to review your past to see how you transitioned into new things before.
These last couple months I have been taking a bit of a journey into my recent past by looking through my old journals. I wanted to evaluate my weak spots- to look at where I was blind about things. Amazingly, this has been very encouraging as I have reviewed the last three years of my life and have "seen" where I fell, where I stayed down too long. I have had my eyes opened about my weak spots, yet I have not felt pummeled by God. It's been like a Review Session that God has graciously consented to oversee, but I'm the one who is choosing to bring these things up. As we begin going over where I have failed- there's revelation, there's regret, but there's no shame or agony that I can never change. I can change. He tells me all the time that I can.
The kind of Father that God is ...well, who can really understand the perfection of His identity as Father God. He is the perfect Father. He encourages and He corrects- and its done perfectly. When He admonishes us it is not for any reason other than to get us back in line with being under grace, walking in love, walking away from sin, and keeping our eyes on Him. He wants good for us and not evil. When we really understand that, it is not an excruciating thing, then, to ask God to review where you have gone wrong. You are asking Him this so that you can go right, so that you can get an "aha!" moment of understanding about where you may have been beating your head against a wall, and God was wincing as you did so because there was no gain in that kind of self-induced pain. God never gets a kick out of our suffering- for if He did, He would not be the pure hearted God that He is.
I found this passage in the book of Judges and was astonished over how God's heart is characterized here. In Judges 10:6 we find out that the Israelites were botching it up again, that "the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the Lord." God can't stand it when we're picking evil instead of good, when we spurn His help and seek after a man made substitute that will supposedly help us- be it alcohol, drugs, whatever you think is going to get you out of your predicament. If it's not God who you think is Your Answer, then you have chosen an idol. And so the Israelites are returning to God, finding a measure of peace, then botching it up and returning to sin, and living in bondage to their enemies. They then remember to cry out to God, after they have been beaten down, and here is where we get this amazing verse-
"...And His soul could no longer endure the misery of Israel" (Judges 10:16). The CEV version words it this way, "Finally, there came a time when the Lord could no longer stand to see them suffer." What they were going through was agonizing for God to watch. Those who are parents know what its like when we see our kids choose wrongly, and worse, when they choose what brings them down into the grips of something dangerous. It is agonizing to watch someone you love make themselves miserable, choose something dangerous, and yet refuse to choose the good you offer.
God, the Father, has a heart that loves and that grieves over our bad choices, our waywardness. God is not cool and aloof and detached from us. He loves us and that means that love "bears all things" even if its agonizing to see the one you love go plunging down into bad territory.
I've learned, then, that I can bring up my past times of waywardness- whether in thought or in deed- with God. We can talk about it. We can review my past, together. He's not eager to point out how badly I failed and to gloat over it. He does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices when I come to understand the truth. He wants me to choose well, to choose LIFE, to choose....HIM.
And the times when I have not done so,well...we need to talk about this. I can't sweep it under the rug and pretend that I lit up His face with joy when I went down into the dark and stayed there. So I'm looking at my past so that I can look forward. I'm trying to see what I may not want to see, but what I need to if I'm going to progressively walk in the light. Part of that light just may be the glow of joy that emanates from God when He sees us walking wisely, loving Him, ... choosing well.
These last couple months I have been taking a bit of a journey into my recent past by looking through my old journals. I wanted to evaluate my weak spots- to look at where I was blind about things. Amazingly, this has been very encouraging as I have reviewed the last three years of my life and have "seen" where I fell, where I stayed down too long. I have had my eyes opened about my weak spots, yet I have not felt pummeled by God. It's been like a Review Session that God has graciously consented to oversee, but I'm the one who is choosing to bring these things up. As we begin going over where I have failed- there's revelation, there's regret, but there's no shame or agony that I can never change. I can change. He tells me all the time that I can.
The kind of Father that God is ...well, who can really understand the perfection of His identity as Father God. He is the perfect Father. He encourages and He corrects- and its done perfectly. When He admonishes us it is not for any reason other than to get us back in line with being under grace, walking in love, walking away from sin, and keeping our eyes on Him. He wants good for us and not evil. When we really understand that, it is not an excruciating thing, then, to ask God to review where you have gone wrong. You are asking Him this so that you can go right, so that you can get an "aha!" moment of understanding about where you may have been beating your head against a wall, and God was wincing as you did so because there was no gain in that kind of self-induced pain. God never gets a kick out of our suffering- for if He did, He would not be the pure hearted God that He is.
I found this passage in the book of Judges and was astonished over how God's heart is characterized here. In Judges 10:6 we find out that the Israelites were botching it up again, that "the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the Lord." God can't stand it when we're picking evil instead of good, when we spurn His help and seek after a man made substitute that will supposedly help us- be it alcohol, drugs, whatever you think is going to get you out of your predicament. If it's not God who you think is Your Answer, then you have chosen an idol. And so the Israelites are returning to God, finding a measure of peace, then botching it up and returning to sin, and living in bondage to their enemies. They then remember to cry out to God, after they have been beaten down, and here is where we get this amazing verse-
"...And His soul could no longer endure the misery of Israel" (Judges 10:16). The CEV version words it this way, "Finally, there came a time when the Lord could no longer stand to see them suffer." What they were going through was agonizing for God to watch. Those who are parents know what its like when we see our kids choose wrongly, and worse, when they choose what brings them down into the grips of something dangerous. It is agonizing to watch someone you love make themselves miserable, choose something dangerous, and yet refuse to choose the good you offer.
God, the Father, has a heart that loves and that grieves over our bad choices, our waywardness. God is not cool and aloof and detached from us. He loves us and that means that love "bears all things" even if its agonizing to see the one you love go plunging down into bad territory.
I've learned, then, that I can bring up my past times of waywardness- whether in thought or in deed- with God. We can talk about it. We can review my past, together. He's not eager to point out how badly I failed and to gloat over it. He does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices when I come to understand the truth. He wants me to choose well, to choose LIFE, to choose....HIM.
And the times when I have not done so,well...we need to talk about this. I can't sweep it under the rug and pretend that I lit up His face with joy when I went down into the dark and stayed there. So I'm looking at my past so that I can look forward. I'm trying to see what I may not want to see, but what I need to if I'm going to progressively walk in the light. Part of that light just may be the glow of joy that emanates from God when He sees us walking wisely, loving Him, ... choosing well.
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