When I Tell You What I Think

My mind was going at 5am this morning. I woke up, at the end of an interesting dream, wondering about its imagery and symbolism. I went out to the kitchen, made coffee, and then woke my husband up a half hour earlier than normal. The saint that he is, he came out to the living room couch where I handed him his mug of coffee and a plate loaded with questions , thoughts, observations, and ....more questions.

In our twenty three years of marriage, my husband has never uttered those dreaded, terrible words to me: "You think too much." And he certainly would be within his right to say so.

All my boyfriends did. I couldn't go out with a guy for more than a day or two, when coming home from a date, they would listen to my questions and musings and then look at me and say with a puzzled look on their face, "You think too much."

It was the worst thing someone could say to me. If they had said "You dress funny" that I might be able to change. (If I wanted to). Or if they said I was comical, I could stop cracking jokes. But think too much? I can't stop thinking. My mind has a life of its own. (A very colorful life, I would add).

I never understood the value of my mind, the value of having a sound mind, until recently. After years of affirmation from my husband about how my mind works (he finds it "fascinating"), I have come to be rather protective of my mind and my thinking. I would never tolerate any pubescent young man mocking the beautiful workings of my active mind, now.

"A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body,..." says Proverbs 14:30 Amplified. I can't say my mind has always been undisturbed. But one reason why it is more calm than it was years ago is that I cooperate with its questionings, investigations, discerning, and probings. I believe the Holy Spirit can speak to me, and touch my thinking to perceive things I might not "see" on my own.

But I can't get there if I shut down my mind, turn off the questions, or refuse to wrangle with the things that trouble me or upset me. I leave no stone unturned when it comes to thinking things out with the Lord. I will bring ALL my thoughts and questions to Him. I will write in my journal, the wrestlings of my mind. I will contemplate the meaning of my dreams, wondering if God is speaking to me through them, or if the pizza I ate the night before is doing the talking. But sometimes I am talking to myself, through my dream. Sometimes I just have to hear what I am honestly thinking.

I value my thoughts. In years past, my thoughts ran more in the camp of the terrorized and the troubled. But I am a free woman now. With my "mind stayed on Thee" I have gained entrance into that equitable, hospitable territory of the land of the free. In this land, you can question anything. You can go to the Lord, the God who says "Come now, let us reason together...". It is not by reasoning that I gain full insight. Its just that I don't have to throw out reasoning, either.

It's not an emotional experience- my faith in Christ. But it's not without emotion. It's not solely an intellectual experience- but it's not without reasoning and investigating. My journey is one where all travelers are allowed to use their mind. Even more so, we don't check our thoughts at the door and jump into a valley of blind faith, thoughtless drivel, naive hopeful wishing, and a wing and a prayer. (Although we do do a lot of praying).

My faith in Christ's power to redeem lives, cleanse hearts, and heal troubled minds- well, that faith is based on experience. I've seen Him work mightily in others. I've seen what He's done in me. I am certain of His existence, certain of His Perfect Perspective. And I utterly rejoice over the certainty of His perfect thoughts that He thinks towards me- thoughts of peace, not to harm me, but to give me a hope and a future. (Jer. 29:11)

But even with the certainty of all that He is, still my prayer time is filled with my observations, thoughts, questions and ideas. Sometimes I will even make suggestions to God or offer my idea of how He could move in our midst. I'll share what my hope filled ideas or desires are. But then, at the end of it all, at the end of all I pour out in clear thinking and even in confusion, all these thoughts are laid at His feet.

And then He has the final Word.