So I skimmed through my old journals, forgetting that this always jars me. I hate to remember so vividly what I struggled with. I hate to look back and see how things floored me, when I know they should have sailed right over my head with me smiling and saying, "Oh, I'll just let God deal with that." I hate to see how I struggled to just get trusting before God and open to the people He brought into my life. The Introvert in me rears her head loudly in my journal.
Is there such a thing as the sin of guardedness? Cause I think I may have trouble with this. I am not an easily trusting person. And while I may quickly smile at you if we meet for the first time, that doesn't mean I am open to getting to know you. It's nothing personal. It's that I'm guarded. Very very guarded. Like I have a sentry posted about my heart and they've been ordered to shoot if anything invades this delicate area.
If the fact that I am a Christian as well as guarded seems like a conflict of interests, it is. I know that. God is interested in loving the world through me. I am interested in not getting hurt, not getting walked on, not getting used.So this is a problem. For me. Not for God. Because He tells me continually that I have no right to be guarded, not since I gave my life to Him.
But if you were once guarded and now you know Him, what should you then be? Free as a bird when it comes to loving people and trusting them? Vulnerable and naive as a two year old prancing out into a busy road, unaware of the opposing nature of the cars racing toward her? Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. 1 Jn 3:2.
So I'm sharing this with you just so that you, dear reader, don't give me too much credit for sharing what I do with you here on this blog. I've been honest about what I write but I still have been guarded and reserved. I like to call it being wise and prudent. But God has been telling me, lately, that I'm just being guarded. Selfish. That I need to open up and stretch further when I share what I do. That's called giving of yourself.
And I intend to practise this new understanding I have of "Give, and it shall be given unto you". In fact, I am going to get radical about giving of myself, being open to new relationships, new ventures with people I have yet to meet (Deep breath here). This may cause changes in my blog, and maybe changes in who reads my blog. But it won't change the fact that God has always been the radical One when it comes to loving people and giving His all for them. I'm just trying to keep up with Him as He opens His arms, wide, to the world.