Monday, September 08, 2008

One Day at a Time

I'm still missing my son, I've started homeschooling my daughter, and I'm just taking everything "one day at a time, sweet Jesus." Everything is scaled down in my life, scaled down to the basics, the necessary, the fundamentals. This is not a time for dreaming big or even for reviewing my personal goals. It's more a time for just looking up, every so often, and asking God, "Remind me why I am doing this?". And the answer will come, every time: Because He leads me there, to that point, that place, that situation where HE thinks I should be. So nothing is about me, anymore, really. It's more about Him than ever before. And for that, I feel more at peace than I have in a while. More at peace yet completely in the dark. And its not a scary place to be after all.

I'm getting used to talking to my son by phone (very, very brief phone calls, on his part), brief emails, and with my every day look at his senior photo in the living room when I look into those deep brown eyes and whisper to him, I miss you. He says nothing back, because photos can't talk, but I still feel better talking to him that way every day.

I'm getting used to homeschooling my daughter again, and the even the joy of learning with her, learning more about her, and learning from her. It's just the three of us at the dinner table, now, with Harry hovering at our feet, and we have great conversations about how my cooking has not improved, the house is messier than ever, and how we miss Alex and can't wait to see him at Thanksgiving.

Fall is definitely almost here. The weather is getting crisp and cool in the evenings- just the way I like it. I also like that I feel younger than ever, somehow, and I think its because I am more unsure of everything and more confident in His provision, His care. Instead of feeling wise and mature, I feel young and so aware of all I don't know. Yet He is constantly telling me that this is how a believer feels and lives: you walk by faith while you feel lost in the dark, all the while telling yourself that its not what you feel that counts. It's more what you know, for sure, that matters.

8 comments:

~Robin said...

once again i want to just hug you Lauren.
Surely a touching post for me today. god bless you~

Angie said...

I relate to this more than you can understand. I desire to homeschool my children (but DH does not). I'm home alone while they are at school. Yes, I have short moments of volunteering at their school, but I still have to look at their photos during the day. I do have the company of our little Zoey (new pup), but it sure sn't the same. Keep enjoying the time with your daughter. It sounds so nice.

Farrah said...

"Yet He is constantly telling me that this is how a believer feels and lives: you walk by faith while you feel lost in the dark, all the while telling yourself that its not what you feel that counts. It's more what you know, for sure, that matters." So true...so true...

Farrah from...
www.wifeandmomof3.net
www.tbfreviews.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

Lauren,
I just want to thank you for the honesty and vulnerability in your posts. This last post has really hit home for me. The last few months, I have woken up angry, and sad, and almost bitter, because I have not been choosing to believe what God has for me is good. I appreciate the way you actually just ask God when you are doubting (sweetly and with vulnerability). Thank you for posting that. I have been able to do that the last day or so, and His peace has prevailed. PRAISE GOD. Thank you. Praying for you and your family.

LAUREN at Faith Fuel said...

Thanks for your verbal hugs and understanding, my reader friends.

LAUREN at Faith Fuel said...

By the way, anonymous, I don't always ask God "sweetly"- sometimes I ask Him what is happening with tears or loud, angry scribbling in my journal or even looks that tell Him I don't like what is going on!

But thank God, He can handle the state I am in, when I come to Him, as long as I am coming TO Him...and not walking away in anger or despair.
If I walk away from God, I can't see the look of compassion on His face, I can't remember that He "knows we are dust", that He is the Father, Abba, that I need so desperately.

Mike said...

Nice post.Sounds like you are in a good place. And I agree, I love the crispness of Autumn too! Blessings :)

judysteapot said...

When my son went away to Uni - I missed him and certainly Nigel & I were suddenly 'Derby & Joan' (we only have the one son)and the house was so so so quiet. He's back home and, although, he's working and spends weekends with his friends it's just comforting to know that he is there.