I didn't think so at first, but I really do have a lot in common with those professional bull riders. I realized that after watching Sunday afternoon's broadcast on T.V. I sat there with my eyes glued to the screen, coughing up a storm due to this terrible cold we've been battling here these last couple days. I felt weak and and like I had been stomped on. But these bull riders don't just feel like they've been stomped on. Many of them actually have been stomped on, beat up, and pulverized by a snortin', whirling bull. And yet they often walk, or limp, out of the arena with a grimace of dignity and hope. Hope- because they're still alive, even if some bones are broken, and dignity, because at least they dared to try to ride a bull.
I'm trying to be daring, myself, lately. Daring and brave about anything that intimidates me or makes me feel like I want to turn back. And I've been holding on to a new principle, lately; and that is that sometimes holding on for dear life is about all you can do. In the bull rider's case they hold on to the rope with a gloved hand and muscles pulsing in their arm like fireworks going off. I have to hold on to God, grasp hold of what and Who He is, at the same time that I accept His plan for my life for the season I'm in. This kind of acceptance is equivalent to sitting on top of a snorting bucking bull and reminding yourself that you chose to get on it. You accepted the challenge.
I've gotten used to the schedule of homeschooling my daughter and answering questions while forgotten, wet laundry mildews in the washer, and more dirty pots and pans get hidden in the oven till I can get to them. If I make it sound like my house is messy, it really is. I just can't get on top of everything and do it all well. The old me got bothered by situations like that.
Now I am accepting what I cannot accomplish. I am accepting where I am, and where I am not. I'm not advancing in measurable things, right now. Success has a whole new meaning for me. Success means contentment, yielding of my will, a relaxing of my high standards for proving that "I am woman, hear me roar". What I am is a bit tired, a bit more apt to say, "let it go" and a bit more quick to smile at the mess I am in. The mess I am in, literally. Bill is wiring something so he tore apart the living room, and Alex's room has been turned into a quasi-office/homeschool room, and my bedroom is as congested as ever (as Bill and I are, physically, also).
This is not how I like things to be. I like order and I like to feel unashamed of my surroundings- as if a neat, orderly home really reflects a true, terrific person. A neat orderly home could, actually, reflect a fanatic and a fiend, I think. So, lets get off the subject of housekeeping and get to the things that affect our heart.
I have been asked to take a route in my life that I didn't think I'd be taking. And this is not just referring to me homeschooling my daughter. There are so many things going on in my life right now that I didn't expect- and so many things that are not going on that I had hoped would be happening. I have been asked, in effect, to ride a scary bull that wants to throw me off. And all that is required of me is to look that situation in the eye- as if staring into the eyes of a bull- and get on that bull as though this is what I normally do.
Because everyday that I follow the path and the plan of God, I wind up going where I do not want to go, only to experience something I'd never dreamed of- the exhilaration of seeing God take me onward and higher. I get to face Fear and say good-bye to Regret and hold on to God for all I've got.