Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Midnight Battles and Morning Convictions

You don't have to have a child going off to a college far away to feel anxious. There are so many things that can cause that nervous undercurrent where you are breathing rapidly and feel slightly nauseous. Then the mind kicks in with those circular thoughts that never come to a conclusion, and you realize you are worrying.

For me, this usually occurs at 3am. I don't know why, but this is when I suddenly wake up and have to admit that I am feeling anxious. It happened again last night. And the Fight is always harder at night time. This is when things look bleak and your resources seem to be a tiny, tiny cup of hope. This is when you could even think that God is far away and that your battle is yours, alone, to deal with. But its not.

I've gotten more adept at these night time battles. I no longer expect to float through life without getting attacked by Anxiety. Anxiety is a voracious lion always looking to enter into the land of your mind and feed off your fears. But now I expect that I can win this battle every time I start to feel the erratic palpitations of my heart.

God wants me to win this battle, because every time I do, I am reasserting my proclamation that God is My Provider, My Healer, My Deliverer. This is what is at stake: who is God when we feel weak and afraid? Is He as weak as our quivering will to survive or is He as mighty and strong as the One who just whispers an order and a violent storm is stilled and quieted? I have to answer that every time I battle anxiety, every time I feel afraid. I have to keep reasserting Who He IS and How I want to know Him.

How I know Him determines how well I sleep at night, determines how much I am willing to take a risk or even make a mistake. "He gives more grace", always more grace, to the ones who not only ask for it, but by their need are constantly aware that its by grace that they stand (James 4:6).

Now today I see a very dark sky. It's raining and it will probably thunder. It looks bleak and it feels as dark as it looks. But I also see a reason to smile, even as I look around the messy house and as I think of the last minute errands I have to run. I battled an enemy last night, and I came out ahead. I'm farther along in trusting Him, and I think I could even say He is proud of me that I am contending for all that He wants for me: to live in peace, to breathe in hope and give out love, and never ever fear what lies ahead.


Anonymous said...

praying for you all today. thanks for sharing your life with us.

Twinkle Mom@Sunflower Faith said...

Bless you Lauren...Praying for you and this new leaf in life and God is going to deliver you and your family. It's a huge step (I'm crying to think eventually I'm going to reach that step in life one day), but you are so strong in your love for your famiy and your faith in God.