If You're Angry and You Know It

Yesterday was a rough day. Ask Harry. I yelled at him for hovering around my feet as I went in and out of the sliding door to the deck in order to grill the chicken for dinner. Of course he was hovering--he's a dog, and loves grilled meat. Any kind of meat, really. Heck, he'll even munch on paper and tissues out of the garbage, if we don't empty the wastepaper cans right away.

I don't normally yell at him. Then again, Safety Bill doesn't normally snap at me when he comes home from work. He's normally very slow to get angry and long on the patience and love. And then our daughter was acting like a belligerent teenager yesterday, and got her feathers easily ruffled when normally she's very mature and sweet with me. She's 17, and we still haven't hit a stage where I wish she would go off to college and mature.  I don't want her to ever leave home. But yesterday I could actually envision it.Yesterday I wanted everyone to leave home, the dog included, and leave me alone.

Pressure. Frustration. Disappointment. Anger.Oh, I felt all these things yesterday. There was a lot going on under the surface too. Everyone is dealing with challenges and decisions to make. Each one of us is facing important decisions that have to be made. And we've all been praying. A lot, really. We've all been seeking God, seeking His will, trying to step out in faith, trying please Him with our actions of faith.


But remember, if you're stepping out in faith, then you're stepping out of your comfort zone. And there's only so long that you can deal with being out of your comfort zone before you realize you are, and you freak out a bit. Sometimes we've been trying so hard to please God, and going that extra mile, and then we hit a wall--it's a wall that we know God could have easily removed for us. We feel almost slighted by God. It's like we're a child that gets up early to surprise their parent by cleaning up the kitchen, and the parent walks out into the sparkling clean kitchen and....merely nods. Doesn't say a word. Oh, it's a pleasant nod of acknowledgement, but we were expecting so much more than that!

Well, I'm that child. And I felt close to a throwing a tantrum yesterday. I was frustrated. Bewildered, a bit.
 How much more could I show God that I was trying to change and grow in Him? I felt dejected. Angry, really. I didn't want to be angry with God. It's not a good feeling. Most people aren't even sure that you can be angry with God. 

But every healthy relationship includes an honest sharing of emotions and feelings and thoughts, one to the other.Actually the healthiest of relationships have a "safe zone" where each person can share their feelings without fear. With "safe" people, we can afford to let our anger out. We can risk being vulnerable. We can say, "I feel so angry with you right now."

Of course, there are healthy ways of expressing anger, and then there are dysfunctional, abusive ways of dealing with anger. Let's be clear on that. Let your anger out--but don't shoot it out. Don't shoot it out like an arrow with a poisonous tip!

"BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger," Ephesians 4: 26 tells us.
Would somebody care to explain how that's done, I always used to think the minute I'd read that verse. Because I don't know about you, but I don't know many people who know how to be angry and yet not sin. Getting angry, and not sinning, is like getting on and staying on a balancing beam that's a 1/4" wide-- would you know how to stay on perfectly and not fall off??

I really don't think, though, that God would tell us something that's impossible to do. I wonder if we've misunderstood what the sin is, in anger, and what's acceptable, when angry.

Anger builds up the more we've felt slighted, frustrated, misused, ignored, hurt.....The point is, that Anger builds up. And maybe we shouldn't let it. Maybe we should learn to quickly acknowledge the first sign of it and admit it, right away. Of course some of us are more prone to getting angry at the first sign of anything, and some of us have to be prodded to express our feelings. You know which one you are.

Here's the GOOD NEWS: God is the very first person you can safely go to, when angry. In fact, He is the best one to go to when angry so that your anger doesn't grow volcanic and explosive and out of control. Because, you see, you can tell God what you're feeling and you can talk it out with Him. Even if HE is the One you feel angry with, tell Him what you're feeling.

But here's a warning that you need to be aware of when you feel angry with Him: Don't curse God, or accuse God, when you're angry. Just tell Him how the situation looks to you, how it feels to you--don't malign Him, though, and attribute evil motive to Him. Be very careful with what you indirectly are saying.

That's what Job understood. That's how Job prevailed through one of the worst trials a person can go through. Job experienced an unexpected series of losses, when he'd been living right with God, and he didn't understand why. In fact, Job had been going out of his way to show God that he respected His ways. He even made sacrifices to God on behalf of his partying children who apparently didn't worry about living right with God like their father, Job, did.

And when faced with unexpected, horrific tragedy that Job didn't see coming, he still refused to accuse God of evil motive. "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing."(Job 1:22)

Oh, Job was hurting! He was frustrated and angry. He was in shock, almost, astounded at what God had apparently allowed, or caused, to happen to him. You see he didn't know what God had in mind or why this had happened but he knew one thing, for sure: that though it looked like God was out to kill him, Job would still trust God's motive and plan for him.(Job 13:15)

Can you do that? You can if you have really come to know God, know His heart, know what He was willing to do in order that you could be made right with Him. You see, if you truly understand that God loves you with a sacrificial love, a merciful love, a love that says "Come unto Me all ye that labor and I will give you rest," then you would never accuse God, or curse Him, or charge Him with wrong doing.

Instead, you would say,

"God, I don't understand!"
"Lord, it feels like you're ignoring my prayers"
"God, I feel so angry!"
"Lord, it looks like You are not with me!"
                              and God would say, "I can see why you say that. Tell me more. Let's talk about it."

We will not always get a Birdseye view of what's going on, or why God is allowing something in our life. We will not always get a clear answer from Him, even after hours of tears and prayer and journaling and petitioning and sharing of our feelings. What will we get is the knowledge that He hears us--and cares. "I love the LORD because he hears my voice, my pleas for mercy," the psalmist writes. He bends down, and listens to us. He's willing to hear your heart. He wants to answer you. And He is... answering you.

Job kept his trust in the Lord, even though it looked like he had no reason to. It almost looked like God was out to get Job, that's how bad the situation was. Why trust someone who's out to hurt you? Can you trust someone who doesn't have your wholeness and well-being in mind? Exactly.

You see, the reason why Job did trust God is that he leaned on something more than circumstantial evidence: he knew the motive of God's heart. He knew the God of Covenantal Promise, the God who would send a Savior to earth that we might have life, and have it more abundantly. That's God's motive.That's His heart. That's why He's trustworthy. That, and so much more. He's the number One most Trustworthy Being I know.

Now go back to your anger. Wait, you're not feeling so angry and frustrated? Yeah, me neither. Do you now have a bit of quiet hope that your situation is not shrouded in retributive punishment--but in grace? Do you see, now, how God desires to turn your situation around, to turn your mourning into dancing? To turn your anger and frustration into chortles of delighted laughter at how big He is, how much He loves you, and how NOTHING will ever stop Him from being the God of the Universe, your Heavenly Father, the One who truly cares...for you.

The Real Thing

Peace to you all!

I feel like a hippie from the sixties, when I say that. But they didn't have a monopoly on the concept of peace, nor a perfect understanding of it. I refuse to let it be an expression pertaining to only them.

Jesus said, "I am leaving you at peace. I am giving you my own peace. I am not giving it to you as the world gives. So don't let your hearts be troubled, and don't be afraid." (John 14:27)

If you get a moment's peace from your kids' fighting and bickering, it might really be just a moment. If your marriage enjoys some peace, it might be because there have been no "issues" that have recently arisen. And if the world experiences a ceasefire in some region of some country, the fighting will cease for a season, but just for a season.

There is no lasting peace in this world. There is no lasting peace created by the world. There's only One person who not only holds continual peace for you, but who IS actual Peace, Himself. But if you feel frustrated that you haven't tapped into His peace, remember: He doesn't give it the way the world gives it.

If Jesus left you with peace, HE LEFT YOU WITH PEACE. Don't let anyone take it away from you. He gave you peace of heart and mind. It is flavored and imbued with His essence. Christ was never alarmed or fretful when He walked this earth. He was presented with many opportunities and reasons to be anxious or upset, but He did not give in to anxiety or agitation. So if He says He gave you peace, this is a quality Peace He has given you! This is an abiding powerful peace that you can rest upon and lean on and cling to and soak in!

It's YOURS-- He gave it to you. And He hasn't changed His mind. It's still yours. You see, the world and your kids and your daily problems will give you a moment's peace or a bit of peace now and then, but they can't give you lasting peace. They really can't even GIVE you peace, period, because they did not create the concept of peace nor are they able to hand you the actual substance of peace.

HE IS OUR PEACE, the Bible tells us. If I want God's continual presence in my life, then I should also expect the manifestation of peace. I can walk in peace even in unsettling circumstances. I can lay hold of this peace with my mind set on receiving what has already been given to me.

I will not be anxious or troubled. Say that again. I will not fear. I will not be anxious or troubled. I HAVE HIS PEACE.

"Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble," Psalm 119:165 tells us. What kind of peace have you been given? Great peace. Abundant peace. You're in good standing. You won't fall or stumble about. You are not orphaned or without resources. You are not in hot water! If you have Peace, you have the promise of His love, His favor.

You've got the peace that passes understanding, which means that people won't be able to figure out why you're so relaxed, so expectant of good, so capable of not only making it through the day, but making it through the day like the day was made just for you.

This is the day the Lord has made, and yes, we can be glad in it-- because we've got peace like a river. I know the source of the river. But as to where my peace goes, that remains to be seen.

You see, I'm taking it with me, wherever I go.

The Invisible Ceiling Above You

It all depends on your perspective- but there could be a ceiling of limitation above you, whether you see one there or not. According to Wikipedia, "A ceiling is an overhead interior surface that covers the upper limit of a room. It is generally not a structural element, but a finished surface concealing the underside of the floor or roof structure above"(italics mine).

You may not see this ceiling but it could be there: it's the limitations that you, or others, put on you. Try to break through that invisible ceiling and you'll see what I mean, because you'll sense resistance and pressure and limitation. Perhaps, in your family, no one has ever gone beyond a high school diploma. Or maybe you're facing a career change and it doesn't make sense to those who know you, but deep down inside, you're yearning to break through that barrier that says you don't deserve to be that fulfilled in a job. Maybe there's a ceiling on your finances or a blockage in your ability to do that one thing you know you need to do- and it's scaring you.

Of course there may be some people who don't feel like they have any limitations on their lives and maybe some are exploding through their limitations even as I write this. But chances are, if you're reading this, you might have an invisible ceiling above you, and you're realizing it now.

Let me help you get this negative covering off you. It's not really a structural element anyhow. It conceals things more than it supports things. We have dear friends who have entertained royally for months, maybe years, with a big gaping hole in their kitchen ceiling. We sip our coffee, standing underneath the exposed beams. We love their gutsy, loving hospitality that says they don't have to have a pristine perfect kitchen before they can invite people in.

Take a deep breath and ask yourself what, exactly, is your ceiling made of? What's blocking your view of God's resources, His available help? Why does it seem like problems are so big and God's promises, well, don't seem bigger? It's your ceiling. It's that limited faith: you want to believe, you try to believe, b ut you just can't believe big enough, sometimes.

Jesus addressed the issue of our limited faith in Matthew 17: 20 and said, "For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” He didn't say it won't seem impossible, just that it won't be impossible.

Ah, you have seen your invisible ceiling when you address the word seem. What things seem to be are, many times, imposing, impossible, impenetrable. When things seem overwhelming, you're hitting your head against that ceiling of limited faith or constricted faith. Yes, you can start with a mustard seed of faith, but you won't get too far in your journey of doing great exploits if it only stays the size of that seed. Start with a mustard seed of faith, yes; but LET that mustard seed GROW, because when it does, the mustard seed explodes into a plant incredibly huge in proportion to its size at the beginning. I would venture to say that the mustard seed explodes through its ceiling of limitations.

And you know what's on the other side of the ceiling of man's limitation? Heaven's floor. Remember, the ceiling conceals the underside of the floor above you. If your mustard seed of faith is growing, you'll start to hit the ceiling of resistance and then go through. You'll go from the constraints of this earthly life to the principles of the kingdom of heaven. You'll discover more and more that what things seem to be are inconsequential compared to the truth of what Jesus says they will not be: they won't be impossible.

So speak to your ceiling. It's probably yellowed with age and cracked, anyhow. It's not serving a good purpose. And when you walk around with an invisible ceiling above you, you really can't see the forest for the trees. Or I should say, you can't see heaven above you. But if you pull down the rest of the crumbling plaster above you, pull down those strongholds of resistance to new things and resistance to new journeys, you'll see God's arms opened wide, and the smile on His face. They've been there all along.

Above It All

I just launched a missile...I mean, wrote a lengthy missive to my 21 year old son, just now. It was one of those letters where you're trying to get things off your chest, so to speak, and trying to communicate love and acceptance at the same time. I felt like I was going through this hole in the rock, and didn't know how I was going to come out or come across.

I've been operating, lately, out of the dregs of my post-winter reserves. Which is to say, I've got about a quarter ounce of grace left. It's time for a big gulp of joy and some rolling-on-the-floor laughter which would rekindle my sense of humor, my sense of perspective.

I feel like there's going to be the clash of the titans, what with my son coming home for the summer. He's like a tornado of creativity and joy--but a tornado, no less. There'll be a lot of flying debris, a lot of stormy discussions, much laughter, a lot of pizza making, and probably some exclamations of exasperation on my part. The four of us are all adults (well, my daughter is 16--but 16 going on 26 as far as maturity) with well-formed opinions and personalities and preferences. Harry, our dog, is the only amenable one of the bunch. He will acclimate to every situation. He is the one with grace.

I don't know when I felt my reserves running dry. Obviously Old Man Winter took the majority of my joie-de-vivre. But it's also due to the fact that my son will be graduating from college in a little over a year, and my daughter is working a summer job and talking about college choices and ready to go off to college in two years.

And here's the thing about raising children: you never see when they become adults. Oh, technically they become adults when they turn 18 and then especially at 21. But there are so many times along the way that you have to intervene and coach them through things. And there is no clear end to when you'll feel relieved enough, or settled enough, about them and the decisions they are making and the experiences they are going through.

Safety Bill and I were sitting on the couch one morning last week and I had my feet in his lap and he had his coffee mug in hand and we both had our kids on our mind. We were talking about our daughter --who rarely makes us worry about anything major. But of course we're always concerned about her emotional state, her spiritual journey, her physical health, her academic choices. And then just when we had finished discussing one particular little issue in her life, it occurred to us that every choice in her life would then affect us. It wouldn't stop at college or marriage or career. We'd never be done parenting-- or with the concern, I should say, that parents feel.

I don't know how God does it: how does He handle the weight of the world, the numerous requests coming to him night and day, day and night? I would be so weary. I AM weary, right now, just thinking about it. I'm weary and....relieved-- that He is NOT weary.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."Is 40:28

Maybe contemplating that mystery alone--that God does not ever grow tired or overwhelmed-- will help renew my strength. Because my strength is in Him. My ability to go the distance, whether its in parenting or any other task or responsibility, can be tied into His ability to not grow weary-ever. He's fresh on the scene of our life, night and day. He refreshes weary parents. And weary wanderers.

I poured my heart out, in that letter to my son; telling him things I wanted him to know, reminding him of things I didn't want him to ever forget: things like I love him, like I believe in his ability to persevere and succeed, and that therefore I'm looking forward to what he's going to choose. I challenged him but I also reminded myself of some things as well. He's at a cross-roads of choices. But really, so am I, the biggest one being that every day I've got to choose to renew my strength or pay the price of running on empty.

But if I do remember to renew my strength in Him, this will refresh my perspective, which will give me a second wind. Sure, I'll also get pushed out further and further into the mainstream of life where the challenge of complex choices might tax me some. I'll get weary, often. But God never will-- and He's sustaining me. So, I know that there will also be those times where, once in a while, I'll get to soar on eagles' wings, above it all.

Happy New Day to You

I'd like to say this is a picture of an elegant birthday party that I threw for my husband this week. But the photo is from Traditional Home- not from my home, mainly because I didn't take any photos when we celebrated Safety Bill's Birthday. We forgot to do that. Or actually, I guess we just didn't plan on taking photos.

What we did have was a nice simple birthday dinner for him and there was chocolate cake for dessert. No candles. Come to think of it, we didn't even sing happy birthday to him. It was just my daughter, Safety Bill, and I celebrating his big day. Our son is still away at college. Harry was under the table hoping for scraps of steak.

So yeah, there wasn't a lot of hoopla or singing or decorating. But there was peace. And I gave him lots of kisses. And our daughter made him a little card. And Harry curled up on his lap later, like he was a fluffy cat instead of an old dog.

I love the fact that both Safety Bill and I have come a long way when it comes to Expectations. Life is simpler and more peaceful when your expectations are realistic. This was a mid-week birthday. Safety Bill was tired from the hard work on the job site. I wasn't feeling all that peppy myself. It's been a long winter. So we three centered in on the one good thing we could expect: being together, at the table, eating a meal, relishing the peace.

I may go all out for his birthday next year. It all depends on where we're at. But for now, each new day we get to be together is a celebration. I treasure the little things now, more than ever; things like peace, laughter, a good long talk in the morning as the sun rises, hot coffee, Harry at our feet, our daughter singing in her room, our son texting us that he did well on an exam, a cup of hot tea at night, a soft pillow, my husband's hand in mine. Sometimes I celebrate big and loudly and sometimes I enjoy the quiet celebration of another birthday, a small victory (like finally folding three baskets of laundry) and the possibilities of another new day.

Higher Ground

I had one of those light bulb moments this morning; you know, your brain is foggy, you're dutifully eating your pasty but good-for-you oatmeal, and you're looking at a Scripture verse for minutes on end while your mind is somewhere else, and then....Blink! The light is turned on.

First, though, there was coffee and a bit of "discussion" with Safety Bill this morning. I like to say we discuss things, but anyone listening in might say "That sounds more like arguing." But that's only because when I "discuss" things, I tend to get a little vehement, a little heated, and Safety Bill gets more quiet and goes on high alert--like he's thinking that the boiler pressure relief valve might let go. His thinking is Safety first. Mine is Make Way for Truth. We try to meet in the middle.


But there's no middle ground when God is pruning you. That's what I've been thinking about lately. John 15:2 alludes to some kind of "pruning" that God does in our life--like you're an apple tree and God is going to lop off a few branches. NOT! If that were the case, you would know what was going on when God was pruning you. It's easy to see the branches come off--if that were pruning.

But the Greek word here has to do with God purging your life. It's more of a vicious cleansing than a lopping off. He takes what is mixed-up in your life and un-mixes it. He removes things. He peels things away. And I'm convinced that when God is pruning, you feel more of a panic and dismay than a non-chalant attitude of "Oh, that's just God pruning me."

I don't think we have to go around pretending that we like being pruned. When we're going through a confusing, botched up situation and things are falling apart in our life, and we feel a little uncertain about what the heck is going on, and someone asks you how you're doing, we don't need to give some spiel about how wonderful it is to walk with God and be pruned. It's better to say, "I feel like I'm in a storm. I'm a bit confused as to what God is doing in my life right now. It's all a b it murky right now."

But hold on for the light bulb moment! Because at some point down the road, it WILL come on. Matthew 5:8 says, "Blessed are the PURE in heart, for they will see God." And in this case, the word PURE has the same Greek root word meaning as PRUNED: you're PURE because God has purged you, He's made you clean in your motives, He's removed undesirable elements from your life. And if you've ever prayed to see God more clearly, He'll take you up on that prayer. He'll shake up your staid life, purge things from it, remove the impure motives, and make you look like a mess all the while it's happening. (Ask Job.)

But hang in there, friend. Because blessed are the pure (and pruned and radically purged)--they're going to see God. When God has messed up your organized life a little, and torn apart your nest, and re-arranged relationships and purged addictions from your life, get ready for some major light-bulb moments. You're about to see things in a whole new light. You're about to see God. And when you do, you'll be glad that when you were this close to giving up, you didn't. Because like Job, though He slay you and purge you, yet you trust Him... to see you through.

Sheltered from the Storm

Last night was the first meeting of a group I've formed called Writers & Readers. Five of us gathered in my home, three Readers and two Writers. The idea for this group started after I had an "interesting" experience with an initial writers group I went to. I tried to join in there, I tried to grow, to learn and receive critique but the experience was rather like wading into the deep end of the shark-infested ocean with steak juice smeared all over you. After a couple times there, and feeling like I needed to toughen up some, I relayed my experience with this group to my best friend. Her response: DONT GO BACK THERE! Now, my friend "Mu" obviously likes me and didn't want to see me hurt or battered about, but more than that, she was concerned that I would lose all sense of accomplishment or ability if I went to a group that seemed to breed bitterness and frustration in the members and relished beating the hope out of any newcomer-writer that they could do anything right.

So Mu became my writers group: it was just us two meeting weekly over the months. Some would say that she was biased , being my best friend, and how could she offer good feedback and objective critique? But Mu always shoots pretty straight with me, and at the same time, has a way of couching all her critique in a crème brulée coating of tenderness (without the flame).

Also during this time, I picked up an interesting book about Toxic Feedback by Joni B. Cole. It's not just budding writers that have to worry about this problem because I've seen this everywhere: among sisters, among supposed best friends, at the workplace, in the Church, and even on the playground. Toxic Feedback is any kind of response to a question that sends a double message-- a sort of of yes followed by a debilitating No. It's a response that is meant to make you doubt yourself, or make you question your capabilities.

It seems like there are two kinds of people in this world with power: those who have the power to make you doubt yourself and those who have the power to encourage and build up. (There are those who don't do either, but then that's why they don't affect your life). It's not like you have to lie and fudge and gloss over reality in order to encourage someone when giving a critique. There's always something of value in any man's work; you can always find something positive or noteworthy to highlight. You don't always have to go for the jugular--unless you're the kind of person who feels stronger when you make others feel smaller.

So this new group met last night, and boy did we have fun! It helps that we had lots of chocolate and coffee and tea. And it didn't matter that one member got stuck in our snow crowded driveway. And even though the women didn't all know each other, we felt like instant friends within minutes. We were there to discover new talent, to hear the beginning of a story, to approve the good, to note the noteworthy, to concentrate on spurring one another onward. We had a great time; so much so, that we ran late.

I keep thinking about all the things my Dad did right, lately. As he becomes a man softened by age, less powerful in stature, the things of his life are evident: the five children he raised, the players he coached, the students he taught, the message he continually spoke. In our home, you weren't allowed to criticize someone without first giving two compliments. It was my Dad's way of tempering the harshness of the dagger we wanted to throw at someone first. Usually we'd toss out something like "Your hair is nice, you've got got nice teeth- but you're a jerk for taking stuff from my room!!" It kind of defeated Dad's purpose, the way we'd rush through the two compliments to get to the meat of our criticism or attack.

But I know what he was getting at--I see this now, more than ever. There's a great need in this world for safe places and safe people. We have shelters (and not enough of them) for battered women. But there are too few shelters for battered souls. Real Encouragement is needed--not the frosting of random compliments. Encouraging someone has to do with noting their heart's desire to use talents and gifts to the best of their ability. It's pointing out what they did right-- or what they wanted to achieve, even if they didn't. It's seeing beyond--and in spite of--the flubbed attempt. It's seeing behind the string of dis-attached words, the very meaning... the message they were hoping to convey.

To the Point

A couple years ago when my husband Bill was doing some carpentry work for this sweet Italian man named Vic, Bill came home from work one day with a little saying of Vic's that we still use to this day. Bill had been telling him about a project he was working on and how he was almost done with it. Vic slapped him vigorously on the shoulder and said, "Good for you!"- but he meant this. He really did.He was beaming as he said it. His eyes lit up, Bill said.

Now Bill and I say this a lot. Over little accomplishments and big ones. To our children, to our friends. It's probably the modern day equivalent of that Scripture verse about rejoicing with those who rejoice.

I like things that get right to the point; sayings that are short and sweet... and powerful.

Back when I was pregnant with my son and we were living up in the White mountains of New Hampshire, there was another sweet, funny man in our life- Mr. Kaminsky. He lived below us on a little hill- you could see his house from our picture window. We had a hyper Springer Spaniel named Spenser who got loose quite frequently or would pull out of our grasp and go running through the streets and jump on people. But Mr. Kaminsky loved Spenser, and every morning there Mr. Kaminsky would be, tottering on his cane, very unsteady on his feet, standing out in his front yard and calling up to us, "Let 'em go!! Just let him go!!"

That's what we say to each other when we're flooded with worries or concerns- "Let em go!" That's what we encourage our loved ones with when they've got that anxious look on their face- "Just let 'em go!"

And then this week, I read Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird for the umpteenth time. I told Bill I'm in love with Anne Lamott. She can say the most brilliant of things in the most self effacing way. She gets right to the point about things, and in dealing with her own insecurity and pettiness, she touches on mine. Like the way she talks about criticism and how some people relish giving it to you. If someone is "too strident or adamant, ditch the sucker," she says, only partially tongue-in-cheek.

Then she shares the story of how she went shopping for a dress to wear on a date, and her friend Pammy went with her. Pammy was dying of cancer, in a wheelchair, wearing a wig. Annie kept trying on dresses , asking what every normal woman asks, "Do you think this makes my hips look too big?" and Pammy answered, short and sweet, to the point- "Anne? I really don't think you have that kind of time."

It just might be that these three pithy sayings are all you need to respond to someone. No matter what the problem is, what you're facing, what you're rejoicing over, what you're going through, one of these saying is appropriate.

For those celebrating today, for those who've won a victory- "GOOD FOR YOU!!"

For those of my readers overwhelmed with worries- "Let 'em go! Just let 'em go!!"

And for anyone dealing with spiraling morale or diminishing confidence, or for those questioning their sanity or capability (like I am), just look in the mirror and admonish yourself, "I really don't think you have time for that."

Back to Business

Okay, I've stabilized. Not as close to tears all the time. I think watching My Fair Lady on DVD, with my daughter the other night, really helped cheer me up. I can't believe I still remember all the songs, all the words.

I've even danced around the house a little bit, in a light hearted way with heavy clumsy feet. But the key thing is to give in to joy any time it wants to spill out of you. And a couple of text messages from my son have given me the sense that we're really not miles and miles apart emotionally even if we are physically.

I have the feeling that this is going to be a wonderful year (and for me, the year seems to start in September with all the back to school, back to business type of movement that takes place). I'm already thinking of apple picking, making Chili, baking pies, Thanksgiving dinner new recipes that I can try- and I do try new recipes, much to my husband's chagrin, the day I have company over. I'm a daredevil. I'm adventurous. I'm up for a challenge. (That's my inner mantra going on).

God is giving me the spirit of an overcomer. And even though life is not just about overcoming obstacles and challenges, it does seem like you can't be too much of an Overcomer. There's no such thing as too much victory, I think.

Sweet Victory. Sweet Memories. Bright Hope. New Day. A Promising Tomorrow.

And throw in a luscious piece of chocolate cake (which I just ate), and you've got the makings of a happy camper who's about to take on another mountain...and with gusto.

So Tell Me About Yours

It's a bit misleading: the photo, in the last post, with "Family" staring out at you, and me talking about "throw it away, throw it away". I wasn't alluding to throwing away your family- but there are times when I've wanted to run away from them. From my family. The one I grew up in- not the one I have now.

The family I have now is of my own choosing, for the most part. There's my husband, Bill, and my two kids, and our dog, Harry- otherwise known as Harry Berry, Boo Bear, or just Boo. This is my family. And while God picked out the two kids He gave us, I am in complete agreement with Him that these are the two children I would most want to have out of the heavenly pickings that I suppose there were.

But the family I grew up in- well, I had nothing to do with selecting them. And they would say amen to that too. We're a motley bunch. There's five of us kids- now grown adults with kids of our own, except for my one bachelor brother who, I doubt, will ever marry and have kids. His choosin', you know. One of us is a strong choleric leader, one is a quiet gardener, one is bossy and loyal, one is tender and opinionated, and one is helpful and needy of attention.

The older I get, the more I don't really get along with them that well; we don't see eye to eye on things. But I see, now, why this is so: it's because I'm still changing and they've changed and we keep forgetting that fact. We keep wanting to see each other as we once knew each other, instead of getting used to learning who each other is becoming.

Sometimes it's a bit lonely being surrounded by people who supposedly know you, and at the same time, don't know you. With the exception of one brother, we all live within five miles of each other. But we're not the Brady Bunch or Little House on the Prairie.

I loved those T.V. shows when I was little. I have always loved the Ideal: the idea of an Ideal Family, an Ideal life. There seemed to be no end of families I knew that were ideal or almost perfect. Or so I thought. Then as the years passed, the idea of the Ideal got tarnished, thank God.

I think one reason why people tend to confide in me about their sorrows or struggles or strained homelife is that I don't ever get surprised at what can go wrong in a family. I'm not surprised, very often, at what can go wrong in any enterprise, any group or church or unit of people. If there's a bunch of people, there will be a bunch of opinions, ideas, and varying expressions of thought.

Expect variety and expect the unexpected when it comes to family life. Forget the idea of there being a black sheep in every family; cause most likely there'll also be a polka dotted one too. Sometimes I'm the rebel in my family and sometimes I'm the peace maker. And sometimes I forget who I am, when I'm with them, and sometimes I remember who I am because of being with them.

One thing I'll always be is a part of them. That's because it was God's choosing- many years ago- and lately He keeps telling me it's time that it was my choosing as well.

Throw it Away, Throw it Away

(photo by Organize.com)

I've been organizing- if you can call it that- my email in-box by trying to unsubscribe to the many emails that are coming in that I don't want. I call this pruning, or streamlining. I got an email from Organize.com which has a tag line, "Clean. Neat. Easy." and that one I decide to keep subscribing too.

It makes me feel good, momentarily, to get rid of junk and unneeded things. But this temporary feeling is just that- temporary. Soon I feel overwhelmed by clutter- both in my inbox and in my house.

I know where I get this from- this need to prune and purify my surroundings. I grew up in a small house overflowing with people: five kids, several cats, a cousin living with us, and two parents. When we moved to a larger home, when I was in second grade, it felt like we were moving into a mansion. I took deep breaths of privacy and peace. But these bits of privacy and peace were always temporary as well, because I shared a room with a sister, and because no matter how big a house is, it does not mean all will be at peace.

One habit my father developed, that I now realize was in reaction to this chaotic brood of his, was to mandate a weekly streamlining of our lives. This happened almost every Saturday, or when things started to feel crazy in our home: my Dad would make us go to our rooms and throw away 20 items,...or 100 items if he was really stressed that week! My sisters and I learned how to count a piece of thread as an item, or a rubber band, or a button, so that we could retain as many of our belongings as we could. We really didn't have a lot of stuff. We didn't own much junk. We shared our clothing. So what could we possibly need to throw away?

This need to suddenly cleanse and purify our supposedly cluttered surroundings has never gone away. I'll visit my Mom and Dad and it will usually come up. I'll be sitting in my Mom's room and smiling at here as she's resting in bed. She's so frail, now. She smiles a lot, but she sleeps a lot too. Her life long battle with depression has worn her out. She still looks heavenward, but I can see that she has an increasing connection with the Lord and a decreasing connection with us, here on earth. It's obvious that we are not going to have her forever.

And in the midst of thinking that, while my Dad is sitting there in the room with us, he'll suddenly say "Your mother's room needs cleaning. Her closet needs someone to go through it and throw away the junk. Will you do that?"

I'll look around the room. There might be a few articles of clothing on the rocking chair, and a few toiletries arranged on the dresser. Her closet has some clothing in it, all hung nicely on hangers. Where's the junk, I think? What do I need to throw away?

But I already know the answer to that. I can remember painful times, sad times ( throw them away, throw them away) and I can remember times where stress reigned in our home and not peace- in spite of the fact that there was never a family more committed to each other, more intent on being a family (throw that away, throw that away). I know why my Dad goes on these de-cluttering binges. I know why I get a momentary high after I've cleaned my house, wiped the countertops clean of crumbs and dust and the things that speak of dirt and decay.

I want peace and order in my life. I want a mind that is clean and clear. I want a heart that is free from bitterness and regret. But you don't get that from clearing your home of debris and junk. You don't even get that by going once or twice to counseling or a therapist or a priest. It takes endless forgiving and releasing, and forgiving and keeping that which is good and letting the rest go.

There's nothing wrong with a clean, organized, beautiful home. It's just that the only way it can stay perfectly clean perfectly organized and decluttered, is for people to live in it perfectly. Neatly. Robotically.

Our homes reveal our pain and our promise for hope. Our homes reveal the strain and stresses of the challenge of living. Our cluttered desks reveal that we get more information and details from bill collectors than we often do from those we love.

But this is life. And life is messy and clean, chaotic and peaceful. It all depends on where and how and who and when...and then it starts all over again. Throw it away, throw it away- the junk, the pain, the bitterness. But I can't throw away the evidence that I am alive and imperfect and hopeful, all at the same time.

I want gleaming counters and clean bathrooms. But I've decided messy kitchens are good too. And closets stuffed with gifts and mismatched clothing and odds and ends are not going to make me fall apart. I'll go for clean and order, whenever I can, but I'll also go for the grace to be able to cope with clutter and chaos- because it does happen every now and then. And I'm done with trying to make it not be so.

If You're Feeling Empty....Relax!

I've been rather quiet lately. At home, I mean. I still talk when I get together with people, friends, acquaintances, but then it seems like I'm done. Done talking. Done projecting my ideas and my conclusions. I really don't have too many of those anymore. I'm kinda empty. But in a good way.

I never realized that there are different kinds of emptiness. There's the emptiness you feel when you've lost a loved one, or you've lost a job, or you've lost your savings. There's also an empty feeling when you've been demeaned or despised. You can feel rather value-less and empty. It's a terrible feeling.

But then there's a kind of empty feeling when you've gone through a lot of stuff, dealt with a lot of junk, and now you're healed, possibly, but not exactly full of hope. Not yet. This is the time when dreams are germinating inside....again. This is the time when you're ready for a BIG idea from God- a new one- 'cause you're out of your own ideas. You're not feeling despair, just empty. Just ready for the New, cause you're done with the Old.

"Behold, I will do a NEW THING" God says to our empty hearts. We perk up and we sense how true that it is, and how ridiculous we've been to think we, ourselves, could usher in the new thing. We've been in our past and we are currently living out our present day. But we have not yet seen our future. God has, though. He's seen it all. And He's got a lot of new ideas that are bound to surprise us.

I haven't been very creative lately, although my cooking hasn't been terrible either. (But I am rotating the same dishes over and over.Last night was Grilled London Broil and Mashed Potatoes and Green beans. Nice, but not anything exciting).

I'm not writing anything amazing in my journal,either, and I haven't cooked up any crazy ideas lately, nor have I tried to entice my good friend, Mu, to do some kind of crazy adventure. She might just be a little empty herself- or at least a little tired. She certainly did a lot of energetic coaching and encouraging this past winter. It was a long winter, and I needed her help. She was there for me. She was really there.

Every time I try to pick myself up and get myself all energized to dream up some good career plans or income ideas or a potential house renovation, I feel God whispering to me "Relax." And implied in His message is the sense that I really couldn't do much more than relax and sink back into contemplation of the fact that the boundless possibilities I need to perceive are all going to come from Him anyways. So relax.

I've always had an issue with relaxing. The early bird gets the worm, not the relaxed bird. And I've somehow equated laziness with being relaxed. I'm sure some of this has to do with having a very industrious father who was an immigrant to this country.How many relaxed immigrants do you know? Nobody ever gets anywhere without a lot of hard work, diligent effort, striving, and persevering, right?

But then do these kind of hard working people know how to relax? And when do they relax? And do they struggle with feeling guilty when they relax? These are the things I want to know- and I think they are some of the best kept secrets.

I know very few relaxed Christians. It's a terrible indictment of us- as a people group. Nothing is more unattractive than a stressed out, uptight frowning Christian who tells you to put your trust in God and then you can have what they have- an uptight, stressed out life, but with salvation thrown in for good measure.

Lately it seems to me that to be relaxed, at peace, confident of God's love for you, that you would need the utmost of Faith. You would need to be someone who has heard God's heartbeat and you would need to be perceptive of God's good will for you. You would then anticipate good- not evil- from God. You would be able to be empty, and see it as a good thing- because you would anticipate that God loves to fill empty people- not empty them out further.

God doesn't deplete us. The world can do that. Unhealthy relationships can do that. Crises and problems can help to deplete you. But God fills you up. At least He desires to. Whether or not He can fill you to overflowing with love and hope may just depend on you and I seeing that He wants to.

And when we realize that we're empty, but we're reaching out to God for more-by Faith- then something good is about to happen. So relax. Loosen your shoulders. Take a deep breath. Act like your world is not collapsing, even if it feels like it is. And when someone asks you why you are so relaxed, tell them that you have no answers, no hope- apart from God- and therefore, you've got it made! You're more than fine. You're relaxed. Empty. And about to be filled to overflowing.

Every Time I Eat an Avocado

I stuffed myself with more fajitas than I should have eaten, really- but only because I had put chopped avocado in the fajitas I custom designed, and I just can't say no to avocado or anything that has avocado in it. Sprinkle salt and pepper on a half a ripe avocado and eat it right out of the skin. Delicious.

I never eat an avocado without thinking of my Dad. Never. He was the one who introduced me to the taste of avocado- as well as to any other interesting, exotic, foreign flavor. Dad would be eating an avocado with a spoon and glancing over at me (well, glancing down at me, because I was little) and he would purse his lips and murmur how delicious it was and how I could not have any avocado.

But maybe someday I might be able to taste it, he would add. Someday. And so one day after he thought I had waited long enough, had longed for it long enough (because that was what he was trying to do- get me to long for something I wouldn't have normally longed for), he gave me a taste of it. And of course, I loved it. Mission accomplished.

So tonight, like several nights a week, I ate half an avocado, thought of my Dad, remembered how he wanted to always introduce me to the best and brightest of flavors and experiences. He still wants me to have the best of experiences. I thought of him tonight, and I thought of how he was trying so hard to be tender and caring with my Mom the other day.

Mom's not doing too well. It's getting bad again- the depression, her desire to stay in bed, the fear. I didn't handle it well. I had gone over for a visit and tried to get my Mom to enjoy the new clothes we had bought her: soft, pastel cotton tops, comfortable velour sweat pants, a sweater with pockets for her tissues. But that kind of comfort and beauty wasn't going to meet her need that day.

Dad was patient. He tried to talk to her and get her to accept our love, our help, our interest in trying to make things nicer for her. We wanted her to come for a drive with us, and get a bite to eat. She wanted to stay in bed. She wanted to sleep and let the world fade away- let whatever was bothering her fade into dreamland. She closed her eyes and took her nap. We took a deep breath...and went out for a quick lunch. And the world went on. I came home. Went to sleep. Got up today. Went about my day. Enjoyed the sunlight. Ate an avocado tonight.

This has been a long journey. Our whole family is on an interesting bumpy, uphill, sometimes downhill journey. It's a long journey spiced with good memories and sometimes sad ones, and flavored with love, salty tears, trying times, special times, and yes, the wonderful taste of avocado.

Swine Flu and The Things That Matter to You

Education is good, but too much information- which can come through education- might be overwhelming. If you want to be an informed, upstanding good citizen, you should listen to the nightly news. If you want to be sane, sober minded and healthy with peace and perspective, you might not want to listen to the nightly news- at least not listen to it too much. It's a coin toss, really.

Wow, what a ride we are having in this nation. It's been a roller coaster. Between the upheaval in the economy, the drastic downturn in the stock market, the escalating unemployment rate, the horrific housing market, and now the threat of swine flu, we are all asking ourselves if we mistakenly woke up in the middle of a nightmare! And if that is the case, it seems we're trying to find a way to get back to restful sleep so that we can possibly wake up in a better part of this dream. When will things get better? Can they get better?

I'm not a medical expert, and I'm not a financial seer, and I'm not a prominent government leader with power to make some fast concrete changes that would affect the masses, so I may not seem to be anyone you should listen to. And you shouldn't listen to me if I speak from my own insight and human perspective.

But let's just see if we can tap into the great mysterious underground of God's Wisdom and Love and see if we can find something very concrete to stand on here. Nobody is looking for another Kum-by-ya song or some rote prayer or some foolish human proclamation of peace when there is no peace. It seems we're all looking for the most concrete, most grounded thing we can stand on- at least in these times.

This is not what we were looking for years ago. Years ago what we were looking for was an exhilarating ride into greatness or wealth. We were looking for fast trips and luxury and more and more things to satisfy our longing for More. Some of us were looking for career advancement, recognition. Some of us were looking for romance or for Mr. Right- and the T.V. show, The Bachelor, became a great fun way to vicariously help someone find their true love. In years past, rock solid BORING stability was not what we were looking for.

But that's what many of us are looking for now. Peaceful days. A Cook out with true friends and loved ones by our side. A glance at our kids and a sigh of relief that they're all healthy and safe. A look at our bank account and a feeling of peace that there's enough- not much- but enough, enough to pay bills. A job to go to- never mind it being a great job or having a promising future. These are the things that we are finally content with. And we're content with these simple things, now, because we're in scary times. And scary times make people take inventory of what is the most needed in their life.

I think, then, that we might possibly be in the best of possible times- only because we are grounded into reality, called upon to take an account of our life and of what is true and what is necessary and what is loved; only because we are experiencing tremors and rumblings and de-stabilizing events and so we want the most rock solid thing that we can find now. We want Stability. We want Strength. We want Security... and where is it??!

It's Here. HE IS here, I should say. God is with us.

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.

Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. Psalm 46:1-3

I love how Brenda Waggoner brought up a powerful quote from Oswald Chambers, in her book Fairy Tale Faith: "Oswald Chambers says that if we are to have 'staying power during the alarm moments of life,' we have to be grounded in God's basic truths." We are experiencing the "alarm moments of life." Right now.

Well some of us have been spouting off Bible quotes about God's love for years, some of us have been writing about how God is Powerful and that we should believe in Him, and some of us have been aware that there is a God who created the world and that He supposedly is Able to Keep us From Falling- but now we are going to have to live those beliefs as purposefully and intently as a marathon runner trains and zeros in on that last mile.

We've got to be pit bulls of the Faith, not pampered and spoiled poodles. We've got to laugh in the face of danger, not at any one's misfortune and not because we are insane or foolish- but because when our laughter rings out, by faith, God laughs too. Joy electrifies a troubled situation. Peace permeates the prison and the locked doors split open. People walk out into the sun shine and declare they are not going to be afraid. Not while they know the most amazing truth that God not only will reign and be Strong- but that He will reign in their life and be Strong on their behalf.

Can You Tell What I Believe?

I'm going from reading a beautiful and rather soothing book, The Noticer, to reading a book that is so direct and caustic in tone that the author, Larry Winget, is described as "the pit bull of personal development". You might ask if I'm crazy for selecting his book to read or if I just have a mini death wish. But it's for the very fact that I don't want to be crazy or at all unstable or imbalanced that I deliberately choose books to read that are outside of my comfort zone.

It's good for me to not have everything delivered to me on a silver platter. (But if I could have Tea and toast with marmalade, delivered to me on a silver platter once a week, I'd take it in a heartbeat!). And if Truth needs to come at me disguised in tough words and sharp, straight shooting observations, so be it. The main thing is that you get more and more of the truth; that your eyes get opened, that light and revelation come.

Everyone knows that famous speech Martin Luther King Jr. gave, "I Have a Dream"- but not everyone knows what your particular dream is- do they? Everyone has a dream. Even the most placid and methodical of us have a dream deep inside- even if they don't think they do.

Some people just have a dream that they will one day be free from anxiety. Some people have a dream of something more concrete- like owning a BMW Convertible. Both those dreams sound good to me, but one of them is more crucial to a prosperous life- and it isn't the dream of the BMW. You can live without a BMW but you can't live with anxiety and fear choking the life out of you. That is not living it up. That is not the abundant life.

Just the subtitle of this book makes me remember the truth that we, as humans, sometimes sabotage ourselves- though we forget that truth, ignore that truth, or rebel against the thought of it being true. And I think self-sabotage might come from the root of not wanting to love yourself. To really love and care for your soul, you have to free yourself to receive God's goodness and to believe His promises of provision and care. You can't have a bent in you that rejects good- even if its at a tiny almost invisible level.

My best friend, Mu, and I chatted by phone yesterday morning and we wound up discussing mental health and the battle that today's Christian has to not only hold his or her steadfast convicitions, but to also live this abundant life Christ talked about. And to live an abundant life you have to be healthy in your spirit. "Out of you shall flow rivers of living water" Christ said, but sometimes instead its rivers of tears and weeping over what troubles us, what we're anxious about, what assails our spirit and makes us unwell.

For all the proclamations we Christians make about God's Love, and God Bless You, and Thank God, and God is Good- we really might not be believers- true believers- of these statements. Whether we are real believers of these truths will show up in not only what we give to others of ourselves, but in what we are willing to receive- directly from the hand of God, and from the hand of God expressed through others.

Lately I care very little about details of doctrine, and I am caring much more about the reality of what I believe as it is expressed in not only my words and actions but in my thought life and mind-peace in particular. This is my latest thought- that the best witness I can be for the reality of Christ in me, the Hope of Glory- is that troubled people, anxious people, worried people (and I think there's a lot of them in this world, don't you?) that these people, if they were hanging out with me for a day, would say that their experience with me resonated with grace, peace, soundness of mind, healthiness of spirit.

This experience I'm having with knowing the reality of the peace and grace of God so concretely that I am healthy in my emotions and thinking- this experience is powerful. It's powerful not just because it is Abundance, it is Strength all the way to my bones- but it's powerful because it touches others. It can cause a ripple effect that surges into waves of blessing. It's powerful because a healthy mind at peace and at rest is going to wind up being sought after and prized more than having a convertible or a million dollars.

That's what I'm thinking today. Do you see what I'm talking about here? I'd love to know your thoughts.

And may your thoughts today be sound and healthy and stayed on Him.

What You've Possibly Been Searching For

This book is a bit confusing at first (is it a memoir? fiction? a self help book phrased as a parable?), somewhat pedantic and preachy at times, but possibly one of the best books I've ever read- as far as it being A LIFE CHANGING READ. And frankly, that's why I read books.

Yes, there's times when I read for an enjoyable breezy ride that distracts me from my momentary troubles. And then there's times when I read memoirs, in particular, and am engrossed in the pain and the beauty of someone's actual life and thereby moved and provoked to appreciate my own life.

But for the most part I read hungrily, thirstily- like a woman in the desert searching for a spring of water. And what I'm searching for is Truth. Revelation. Wisdom. Something concrete and foundational to stand on- cause I don't like feeling shakey or sketchy in my thinking.

The Noticer, by Motivational Speaker Andy Andrews, is a book for someone like me, then. Perhaps its because the author of the book might have just taken a similar route in life as I have: he's gone through some good and some painful times, has questioned about what it all means, has read voraciously and with intent to learn and glean, and now he wants to share the bounty in his basket.

This book is not sensational or sizzling, or intricate in plot and character development. It might be slow moving at times, or it might be a little too fairy tale like. What's with this character, Jones? Is he an angel? Did this really happen as Andrews writes it? How embellished is the story or how much has it been crafted with poetic license in order to turn it into a living parable? These are the issues I have with the book.

But the blessings in this book make me say- who cares about all of that? Does a drowning man care about the saving person's background and style? No, he only cares about the rope being tossed. And this is what Andy Andrews throws out to the reader: his own wealth of experience and his accumulation of insight and PERSPECTIVE from having read thousands of books, biographies, historical accounts of people in crisis and what these people learned. Andrews then presents to the reader a simple story that has a prophetic undercurrent.

If you know how to put your ear to the ground, so to speak, and listen for the rumbling of God's voice or feel the presence of God through someone's words, then you will love this book. I say that firmly and I say that prophetically. If you're hungering for the beautiful peace and hope that come from getting a new look at life, at yourself, you will feast your way through this book.

I went through this book with a pen and marked the statements that spoke to my heart. I marked up the book a lot. I felt certain statements and insights were directed at me specifically. For example, when I read "I say to you that, as you lay your head down tonight, you are sleeping on fertile ground" -I felt as if I had received a blessing and a proclamation. It was true. It is true. I suddenly saw it and believed it in a way I couldn't have agreed with before.

People who struggle with worry, and fear, regret over old age, questions about making right choices- you'll read this book and think it is a gift from God that you did. At least that's what I think you would feel. And if you didn't feel blessed and surprised by this book's influence on your life, maybe it would be because you had discovered some of these truths and powerful principles already. Maybe you are filled with a lot of wisdom already.

If so, please write a book and share with us all this bounty of blessed insight and perspective. 'Cause that's what Andy Andrews did- he prepared and set out for the reader to enjoy all that had brewed within him, all that he had learned from having been burdened and then blessed to have been relieved of. He shared his life and he shared all that he has read over the years, through the words of a character named Jones.

And more than that, he shared a key. Take it if you want. Use it to open the door. The door to what, you ask? Well, only you could know that.

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*I am a member of Thomas Nelson's Book Review Blogger Program. Check it out: Thomas Nelson

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Opening the Treasure Chest of Wisdom

I'm having the time of my life, lately. That it coincides with Spring, warm weather and sunshine (we're going to hit the high 70's today!! woo-hoo!!) just adds icing to the cake. A lot of this joy I'm feeling has come from my perspective changing on things, and my perspective has changed because of who I'm talking to and what I'm reading.

Let me tell you- I am one wealthy person! Well, at least when it comes to access to books and ideas. I have a great huge public library (well, I don't have it as in own it, but I might as well own it with the way I have complete access to all the benefits of it and none of the responsibilities that go with ownership except that of returning my books on time). This library is literally within a couple miles of my house, and I practically salivate at the thought of going to it- which happens to be at a rate of 3-4 times a week, usually.

I'm a book hog- and I don't make any apologies. Now my daughter has joined the rank of Book Hogs United and we both plan our trips to the library and what we're picking up when we get there as if we were miners talking about a pending gold strike.

I'm about to update my reading list (side column) but for now, let me say that I'm reading 3-4 books at the same time and I don't want to get through these too fast. I don't want the journey to end too quickly.

Here's a brief nugget of wisdom that came to me today after reading just a bit in two of the books. You might say that I'm coming up with a few enlightened conclusions of my own after compiling the honesty and wisdom and truth and perspective that I get out of these books: I am a person who has battled through some trials, but I never realized that in battling so long and so hard, that I might get to the point where I might not be able to just relax and enjoy Times of Refreshing- if they came.

And they have come- these times of refreshing, this season of coming out of the trench and realizing that its not all about battles and challenges. Sometimes its about laughing and living and loving and lightening up. Seriously- I need to be a bit more frivolous and light hearted and....dare I say...irresponsible. I only say that because I know myself- and for me, leaning towards irresponsibility, instead of tightly clenched and stoic responsibility, is a good thing. Its needed. It's high time. Enough of adversity. It's time for....Hmmmm. Time for something else.

If God uses adversity and trials to polish us and purify our hearts, then what is the opposite of adversity and what does this Opposite accomplish in our lives? I think the opposite of Adversity is Prosperity- and in this time of political and economic unease and despair, even- how the heck do I think I should be feeling prosperous, much less actually be prosperous?

Well, I'll get to that. For now I just want to tell you, my readers, that I feel like a kid in the candy shop. I'm finding out that God hides joy under heavy boulders. That there are surprises- good surprises- ahead of me, and not just calamity, catastrophe, and cautious times.

I want to tell you about one excellent book, in particular, that I'm reading- but I'll be writing a thorough review of that in a couple more days. For now, you might say I'm a walking review of it. See me grinning ear to ear and my shoulders relaxed and my eyes sparkling and reflecting a zest for life again. It's not always uphill.

And by the way, nothing big or significant has happened in my life these past couple days. I didn't inherit a million. I didn't win a trip to Bermuda (but I 'd like to!). I just dove into some great reading, opened my heart, felt God touch me through these authors- through what they were saying, and what I was then saying to God- and now I'm just walking with a lighter step and a sunnier outlook.

You might say I feel like a prosperous woman. And that's probably the first step to prosperity after all.

The Winning Combination

Last night was pizza night. Normally Friday night is the night we make homemade pizza, but we moved it over a couple nights due to other events happening, as well as the fact that you have to be in a creative, fun loving, happy mood when you make pizza at our house.

First, my husband Bill puts on some Michale Buble or Tony Bennett and the music gets us feeling light hearted. Then the homemade pizza dough gets divided into 3 pieces ( 4 pieces when our son is home from college) and Bill, Abby, and I each start stretching the dough in our pans. Abby makes a cheese pizza and will add bits of buffalo chicken. Bill does a veggie style pizza with lots of onion and green pepper and mushroom. I love doing a mushroom and sweet sausage pizza- when I remember to buy the sausage earlier in the day.

The flour flies, the music plays loudly, the dog gets under our feet, and in the end- twenty minutes later- we have 3 gorgeous pizzas coming out of a hot oven. We feast on them and feel creative and well fed and full. Life is good. Our pizza night is always a success.

But we have other nights when we are out of sorts, not creative, and the meal is slightly burned or flat tasting. it could be that our Pizza night always turns out to be successful because we've been at this for a couple years now. We've tried different sauces, I've doctored the pizza dough recipe, and we've been getting sillier and more wild as we make them. We look forward to Pizza Night because we've come to expect a great experience and great flavor.

The winning combination of success and more success is hard to find. Usually what we experience is success, then failure, then a bit of success, then lots of failure- and if we stop there, it could be a long time before we experience success again.

Trying something for the first time, and then trying it again, is an important ingredient of Success. So you could also say that Risk taking is essential to Success Making. You try something, and therefore you risk something. There's not a lot of sure things in this life. Instead, there's a lot of Maybe-but Perhaps Not-Then Again Maybe.

So many Christians try to make the Christian life sound like its a sure thing- that you get instant peace with God, a fulfilled life, great sleep at night, and no worries because you've now Got God. I don't know that we ever "get God". We don't get what He's up to. We don't get why He allows things to happen in our life. We don't get the full benefits of knowing Him- because we rarely know Him fully. We know Him in part. We see Him in glimpses and in rare wonderful moments. And then we lose sight, or we lost perspective, or we lose the joy of risking and reaching out and trying to find Him again.

I've had some incredible successful moments in my walk with God, where I had epiphanies and revelations and experiences that were intense, meaningful, satisfying- as in cold water given to a sun scorched soul. I've also had some failures in my walk- times when I felt frustrated with God, when I thought God was all about the gain that you get from only pain. I've had times when I couldn't see Him or feel His presence, and I felt deep in darkness and despair, only to suddenly get a sighting of Him that lit up my day and my heart and made me feel wonderful and sad at the same time- because I doubted that He would ever show up again. We're both sad whenever I doubt Him.

The winning combination of success and failure, knowing God and then forgetting what you knew of Him, gaining ground and then losing ground- this combination is our life. Failure can be a stepping stone to success. Going through dark times can mean that experiencing the wonderful times is even sweeter and more fulfilling.

All the nights I've burned dinner, or over cooked the chicken till it was leathery and dry, are forgotten on Pizza Night. On pizza night we live it up. We relish the taste, the experience, the joy of trying to get the winning combination. WE eat the fruit of the labor of our hands and we're glad we got the chance to try something, fail, succeed, and in the end get a mouthful of something so good that we want to do it again.

I Smell Roses

It's Good Friday. I told my daughter, yesterday, that today, Good Friday, was going to be a day we would treat differently. We wouldn't spend the day trying to do what we wanted, when we wanted to, as though we had all control and power over our life, as though we were in complete control over our destiny and there was No One who held our life in Their Hands.

So I started my day, after my husband left for work, feeling a bit puzzled as to what I should do next. I found myself drawn to the book of Ecclesiastes, and I do mean, literally, the book. I read it through- from chapter 1 to Chapter12. It reads like a friend talking to you, who has questions about life, advice gleaned from experience, and a great respect for the unknown and the unseen things of God. It addresses so many issues of life and then, in the end, answers none of these issues- because, really, it's all a mystery.

I knew a pastor who spent every New Years Eve at the local Garbage Dump, reading the book of Ecclesiastes. He said that was the best way for him to start the New Year. He was a melancholy contemplative sort of guy, and I loved how he addressed the agonies in life and answered so few of my questions and how I had more questions than ever after he preached. Not more confusion, mind you- just questions. And I think that's the sign of a good pastor and a wise man.

Maybe Good Friday is my New Years Eve. I'll skip going to the dump because our town dump is not a quiet place to be. I'll commemorate this day that Christ was crucified by recognizing my life begins because of His death. I can have a Happy New Year and a joyful new day because of what He did for me. This is one thing I know for sure. This is not a mystery- the fact that He died and rose again. It's truth. But it is a mystery why He loved us so, why He loves us still. It is a mystery how He leads us and how He guides us and where we are going and why we are where we are.

Here's what I gleaned from today's reading: "Truth is beyond us. It's far too deep" (Eccl 7:24)- but that doesn't mean I shouldn't seek the Truth. I also contemplated what the Writer was alluding to: that what God does and what I actually see happen may be two different things. What I think I see God doing in my life may not be what is actually occurring! (Eccl 8:17). If I share with you my plans for this week and then tell you next year that I never wound up doing what I planned to do, you shouldn't be surprised.

It's like sitting at the local Dump and thinking you smell roses. Life can be that way. You can think you are heading toward a God ordained thing- and find out you don't see God anywhere in the picture. Or God can be definitely at work in your life and you don't see a single blessed thing.
Or you may think you are so on the right path and suddenly find yourself at a dead end.

The writer of Ecclesiastes would probably nod his head and say, "Yes." Yes to our misunderstanding what God is doing in our life. Yes to the fact that we could smell roses at a Dump. Yes to the hunger we have to know what is going on. Yes to the fact that we glimpse a bit of His Hand at work, here and there, now and then- and don't realize what a privilege it was to have had that glimpse into majesty.

I also found out that in addition to spiritual things like respect for God and right living, the writer of this book thinks you also need some very practical things to make it in this life. Things like hard work, good food to eat, real guts, courage, and the nerve to do something even when you are not even sure it will make any difference at all. "You never harvest what you didn't have the nerve to plant" he writes (Contemporary English Version).

It's a holy day today. But its also just another day. It's Friday- but it's also New Years Eve for me. Because something new is happening. I see some things, and then again, I don't know what the heck is going on in my life at all. As in the dark as I am, I'm also wise- for knowing that I know barely anything at all, except for the most important thing, the fact that HE LIVES. And everything else in my life can take its place under that Fact.

It's Right Under Your Nose

Our son, away at college, misses home- but not that much. He's enjoying his life down south, his classes, his social times with friends. I couldn't be happier about his happiness. As he approaches the end of his freshman year at college, it's clear he is in the right place, he sees that he is, and we are all feeling the results of that truth: peace, contentment, a sense of satisfaction and relief and thanksgiving to God.

Sometimes you can tell what is making you happy. Sometimes you don't know what is causing your unhappiness and frustration. And sometimes things are good- but you just don't realize it- and the answer is right under your nose.

I was so touched by this Scripture passage I was reading this morning because Jesus is lamenting over His people not seeing, not realizing, what they have when they have it. He's their Answer. He's their Prince of Peace. And yet they missed this truth. He cries out to the city,"..."If you had known in this day, even you, the things which make for peace! But now they have been hidden from your eyes" (Luke 19:42).

What makes for peace in your life? For me, it's a day when my dog is not disturbed and causing problems, my daughter's home school lessons are going smoothly, my bills are paid, my creativity is unleashed and my possibilities are still open, my future looks bright, my health is good, my loved ones are well,... I guess it does take a lot to make me happy! Maybe happiness isn't the word, but it does seem to take a strong combination of things to give me a real sense of peace and well being.

Or I could just focus on the Lord, and see Him for who He is and Where He is in my life - which is everywhere- and take a deep breath and feel so blessed about what I know, what I really know.

What do you know, right now, about what brings you peace? What do you see in front of you- and what don't you see? Because the reason I ask this is that I'm starting to realize there are many things I haven't been seeing yet they have been right in front of me. And apparently this is an age-old problem that humans have. We're slow to perceive the blessing and the presence of God. Jerusalem, the city of God's favor, missed the greatest Eternal Favor of all time: Jesus Christ Himself sent to be their Redeemer.

It's one thing to sort of see something, it's another thing to absolutely know it and therefore you live as though you know this truth. That's what that word means in the verse "If only you had known...". And the things which lead to peace, quietness, and inner well being and a sense of rest and relief from anxiety- well, these things are all wrapped up in One being. He is Our Peace.
He brings us peace. The things which lead to peace are not hard to find. He is not hard to find.

And that's what I'm seeing, right in front of me, today. That's Who is knocking at the door of my heart- and I see Him, and I'm taking a deep breath of peace. It feels good.