If You're Angry and You Know It

Yesterday was a rough day. Ask Harry. I yelled at him for hovering around my feet as I went in and out of the sliding door to the deck in order to grill the chicken for dinner. Of course he was hovering--he's a dog, and loves grilled meat. Any kind of meat, really. Heck, he'll even munch on paper and tissues out of the garbage, if we don't empty the wastepaper cans right away.

I don't normally yell at him. Then again, Safety Bill doesn't normally snap at me when he comes home from work. He's normally very slow to get angry and long on the patience and love. And then our daughter was acting like a belligerent teenager yesterday, and got her feathers easily ruffled when normally she's very mature and sweet with me. She's 17, and we still haven't hit a stage where I wish she would go off to college and mature.  I don't want her to ever leave home. But yesterday I could actually envision it.Yesterday I wanted everyone to leave home, the dog included, and leave me alone.

Pressure. Frustration. Disappointment. Anger.Oh, I felt all these things yesterday. There was a lot going on under the surface too. Everyone is dealing with challenges and decisions to make. Each one of us is facing important decisions that have to be made. And we've all been praying. A lot, really. We've all been seeking God, seeking His will, trying to step out in faith, trying please Him with our actions of faith.


But remember, if you're stepping out in faith, then you're stepping out of your comfort zone. And there's only so long that you can deal with being out of your comfort zone before you realize you are, and you freak out a bit. Sometimes we've been trying so hard to please God, and going that extra mile, and then we hit a wall--it's a wall that we know God could have easily removed for us. We feel almost slighted by God. It's like we're a child that gets up early to surprise their parent by cleaning up the kitchen, and the parent walks out into the sparkling clean kitchen and....merely nods. Doesn't say a word. Oh, it's a pleasant nod of acknowledgement, but we were expecting so much more than that!

Well, I'm that child. And I felt close to a throwing a tantrum yesterday. I was frustrated. Bewildered, a bit.
 How much more could I show God that I was trying to change and grow in Him? I felt dejected. Angry, really. I didn't want to be angry with God. It's not a good feeling. Most people aren't even sure that you can be angry with God. 

But every healthy relationship includes an honest sharing of emotions and feelings and thoughts, one to the other.Actually the healthiest of relationships have a "safe zone" where each person can share their feelings without fear. With "safe" people, we can afford to let our anger out. We can risk being vulnerable. We can say, "I feel so angry with you right now."

Of course, there are healthy ways of expressing anger, and then there are dysfunctional, abusive ways of dealing with anger. Let's be clear on that. Let your anger out--but don't shoot it out. Don't shoot it out like an arrow with a poisonous tip!

"BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger," Ephesians 4: 26 tells us.
Would somebody care to explain how that's done, I always used to think the minute I'd read that verse. Because I don't know about you, but I don't know many people who know how to be angry and yet not sin. Getting angry, and not sinning, is like getting on and staying on a balancing beam that's a 1/4" wide-- would you know how to stay on perfectly and not fall off??

I really don't think, though, that God would tell us something that's impossible to do. I wonder if we've misunderstood what the sin is, in anger, and what's acceptable, when angry.

Anger builds up the more we've felt slighted, frustrated, misused, ignored, hurt.....The point is, that Anger builds up. And maybe we shouldn't let it. Maybe we should learn to quickly acknowledge the first sign of it and admit it, right away. Of course some of us are more prone to getting angry at the first sign of anything, and some of us have to be prodded to express our feelings. You know which one you are.

Here's the GOOD NEWS: God is the very first person you can safely go to, when angry. In fact, He is the best one to go to when angry so that your anger doesn't grow volcanic and explosive and out of control. Because, you see, you can tell God what you're feeling and you can talk it out with Him. Even if HE is the One you feel angry with, tell Him what you're feeling.

But here's a warning that you need to be aware of when you feel angry with Him: Don't curse God, or accuse God, when you're angry. Just tell Him how the situation looks to you, how it feels to you--don't malign Him, though, and attribute evil motive to Him. Be very careful with what you indirectly are saying.

That's what Job understood. That's how Job prevailed through one of the worst trials a person can go through. Job experienced an unexpected series of losses, when he'd been living right with God, and he didn't understand why. In fact, Job had been going out of his way to show God that he respected His ways. He even made sacrifices to God on behalf of his partying children who apparently didn't worry about living right with God like their father, Job, did.

And when faced with unexpected, horrific tragedy that Job didn't see coming, he still refused to accuse God of evil motive. "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing."(Job 1:22)

Oh, Job was hurting! He was frustrated and angry. He was in shock, almost, astounded at what God had apparently allowed, or caused, to happen to him. You see he didn't know what God had in mind or why this had happened but he knew one thing, for sure: that though it looked like God was out to kill him, Job would still trust God's motive and plan for him.(Job 13:15)

Can you do that? You can if you have really come to know God, know His heart, know what He was willing to do in order that you could be made right with Him. You see, if you truly understand that God loves you with a sacrificial love, a merciful love, a love that says "Come unto Me all ye that labor and I will give you rest," then you would never accuse God, or curse Him, or charge Him with wrong doing.

Instead, you would say,

"God, I don't understand!"
"Lord, it feels like you're ignoring my prayers"
"God, I feel so angry!"
"Lord, it looks like You are not with me!"
                              and God would say, "I can see why you say that. Tell me more. Let's talk about it."

We will not always get a Birdseye view of what's going on, or why God is allowing something in our life. We will not always get a clear answer from Him, even after hours of tears and prayer and journaling and petitioning and sharing of our feelings. What will we get is the knowledge that He hears us--and cares. "I love the LORD because he hears my voice, my pleas for mercy," the psalmist writes. He bends down, and listens to us. He's willing to hear your heart. He wants to answer you. And He is... answering you.

Job kept his trust in the Lord, even though it looked like he had no reason to. It almost looked like God was out to get Job, that's how bad the situation was. Why trust someone who's out to hurt you? Can you trust someone who doesn't have your wholeness and well-being in mind? Exactly.

You see, the reason why Job did trust God is that he leaned on something more than circumstantial evidence: he knew the motive of God's heart. He knew the God of Covenantal Promise, the God who would send a Savior to earth that we might have life, and have it more abundantly. That's God's motive.That's His heart. That's why He's trustworthy. That, and so much more. He's the number One most Trustworthy Being I know.

Now go back to your anger. Wait, you're not feeling so angry and frustrated? Yeah, me neither. Do you now have a bit of quiet hope that your situation is not shrouded in retributive punishment--but in grace? Do you see, now, how God desires to turn your situation around, to turn your mourning into dancing? To turn your anger and frustration into chortles of delighted laughter at how big He is, how much He loves you, and how NOTHING will ever stop Him from being the God of the Universe, your Heavenly Father, the One who truly cares...for you.

Letting Go and Holding On

Okay, this is my last book review here on Faith Fuel- and what could be more appropriate than to review Sheila Walsh's book, Let Go ?

Sheila writes in chapter 9, "One of the scariest things to do on this earth is to voice that we have a problem. Shame tells us to keep the secret, but then who is holding the keys to our prison? When we decide that it is time to tell, we find that the keys have been in our hands all along."

Well, here at Faith Fuel, its always been about sharing what's on my mind, sharing what I think is on God's heart for us, sharing with each other what we're struggling with.

I don't think any of us should ever stop sharing what we're going through. Sheila Walsh is right- that it's time to let go of the burdens and let go of the things that hold us back from experiencing the abundant life.

She is gutsy and in this book, and particularly in chapter17, she shares honestly her personal situation that prompted the writing of this book. That it involves tight finances, unforgiveness, and the flat emotions of depression easily helps any reader identify with the author- no matter how famous a speaker or Christian personality she is.

This is the gift right here in this chapter- the opening up of herself, her struggle to let go of "fixing" everything (I know all about that), to let go of mentally rehearsing what a good plan would be (my mind is exhausted, frequently, because of this very thing).

"When from the depths of our hearts we can tell God, 'I trust you,' heaven celebrates, hell shudders, and we are at peace." She's right. And one way I am expressing my trust in God is to re-examine where I need to march on, and where I need to wind down, close up shop, and be still. Just be still. Just keep my mouth closed and in silence contemplate the wonder of it all.

I'm letting go of baggage, of blunders I've made, of botched up plans. But I'm grabbing on to God's love even tighter. I'm holding on for dear life- but He says its for my own dear life that He is really the One holding on...to me.

Back to Business

Okay, I've stabilized. Not as close to tears all the time. I think watching My Fair Lady on DVD, with my daughter the other night, really helped cheer me up. I can't believe I still remember all the songs, all the words.

I've even danced around the house a little bit, in a light hearted way with heavy clumsy feet. But the key thing is to give in to joy any time it wants to spill out of you. And a couple of text messages from my son have given me the sense that we're really not miles and miles apart emotionally even if we are physically.

I have the feeling that this is going to be a wonderful year (and for me, the year seems to start in September with all the back to school, back to business type of movement that takes place). I'm already thinking of apple picking, making Chili, baking pies, Thanksgiving dinner new recipes that I can try- and I do try new recipes, much to my husband's chagrin, the day I have company over. I'm a daredevil. I'm adventurous. I'm up for a challenge. (That's my inner mantra going on).

God is giving me the spirit of an overcomer. And even though life is not just about overcoming obstacles and challenges, it does seem like you can't be too much of an Overcomer. There's no such thing as too much victory, I think.

Sweet Victory. Sweet Memories. Bright Hope. New Day. A Promising Tomorrow.

And throw in a luscious piece of chocolate cake (which I just ate), and you've got the makings of a happy camper who's about to take on another mountain...and with gusto.

Can't Write Much, I'm Cleaning

I'm a yo-yo lately: I keep swinging between an overall sense of well being and a sense of sadness that won't go away. I've had a great summer. Surprisingly, it might have been one of the best summers our family has had. Not because of taking any big vacations (we didn't) but because we had a lot of togetherness all summer- harmony, peace. Never has it felt sweeter to be a family. Joyous. Creative.

Of course now that our son is back at college, we don't have that "together" feeling anymore. Thus, the sadness. It aches. And I thought it wouldn't- because this is his second year away at college.
But I still miss him so. Terribly.

He tried to help me not miss him. The last two days before he left were a bit stressful and Alex did his best to remind me of what a pain in the butt he can be. But he's a beautiful, wonderful pain in the butt- and I miss him. Still.

So I can't write anymore otherwise the sadness will engulf me. I've got to get busy. Start cooking. Vaccuum. Those things always distract me. And if I clean long enough, it'll soon be Thanksgiving and then we'll all be together again. Family. Joyous. Creative. Making Pizza. Wonderfully Together.

Can You Tell What I Believe?

I'm going from reading a beautiful and rather soothing book, The Noticer, to reading a book that is so direct and caustic in tone that the author, Larry Winget, is described as "the pit bull of personal development". You might ask if I'm crazy for selecting his book to read or if I just have a mini death wish. But it's for the very fact that I don't want to be crazy or at all unstable or imbalanced that I deliberately choose books to read that are outside of my comfort zone.

It's good for me to not have everything delivered to me on a silver platter. (But if I could have Tea and toast with marmalade, delivered to me on a silver platter once a week, I'd take it in a heartbeat!). And if Truth needs to come at me disguised in tough words and sharp, straight shooting observations, so be it. The main thing is that you get more and more of the truth; that your eyes get opened, that light and revelation come.

Everyone knows that famous speech Martin Luther King Jr. gave, "I Have a Dream"- but not everyone knows what your particular dream is- do they? Everyone has a dream. Even the most placid and methodical of us have a dream deep inside- even if they don't think they do.

Some people just have a dream that they will one day be free from anxiety. Some people have a dream of something more concrete- like owning a BMW Convertible. Both those dreams sound good to me, but one of them is more crucial to a prosperous life- and it isn't the dream of the BMW. You can live without a BMW but you can't live with anxiety and fear choking the life out of you. That is not living it up. That is not the abundant life.

Just the subtitle of this book makes me remember the truth that we, as humans, sometimes sabotage ourselves- though we forget that truth, ignore that truth, or rebel against the thought of it being true. And I think self-sabotage might come from the root of not wanting to love yourself. To really love and care for your soul, you have to free yourself to receive God's goodness and to believe His promises of provision and care. You can't have a bent in you that rejects good- even if its at a tiny almost invisible level.

My best friend, Mu, and I chatted by phone yesterday morning and we wound up discussing mental health and the battle that today's Christian has to not only hold his or her steadfast convicitions, but to also live this abundant life Christ talked about. And to live an abundant life you have to be healthy in your spirit. "Out of you shall flow rivers of living water" Christ said, but sometimes instead its rivers of tears and weeping over what troubles us, what we're anxious about, what assails our spirit and makes us unwell.

For all the proclamations we Christians make about God's Love, and God Bless You, and Thank God, and God is Good- we really might not be believers- true believers- of these statements. Whether we are real believers of these truths will show up in not only what we give to others of ourselves, but in what we are willing to receive- directly from the hand of God, and from the hand of God expressed through others.

Lately I care very little about details of doctrine, and I am caring much more about the reality of what I believe as it is expressed in not only my words and actions but in my thought life and mind-peace in particular. This is my latest thought- that the best witness I can be for the reality of Christ in me, the Hope of Glory- is that troubled people, anxious people, worried people (and I think there's a lot of them in this world, don't you?) that these people, if they were hanging out with me for a day, would say that their experience with me resonated with grace, peace, soundness of mind, healthiness of spirit.

This experience I'm having with knowing the reality of the peace and grace of God so concretely that I am healthy in my emotions and thinking- this experience is powerful. It's powerful not just because it is Abundance, it is Strength all the way to my bones- but it's powerful because it touches others. It can cause a ripple effect that surges into waves of blessing. It's powerful because a healthy mind at peace and at rest is going to wind up being sought after and prized more than having a convertible or a million dollars.

That's what I'm thinking today. Do you see what I'm talking about here? I'd love to know your thoughts.

And may your thoughts today be sound and healthy and stayed on Him.

All Quiet on the Home Front

There was actually some sunshine today, believe it or not. The great Northeast is still cold and snowing on and off and there's ice everywhere...but there was also some sunshine. Thank God.

That's my big celebration for today: the fact that the sun came out. So instead of me playing the part of Annie and singing, "The sun'll come out tomorrow..." I can sing that it came out today. But it's better if I just tell you this news- and not sing it. Everyone is much happier if I stick to writing my thoughts and not singing them!

There's no earth shattering news today other than my little weather report. But I expect I will have more things to share in the months to come. For now, it's quiet at home base. Sometimes it's nice just to let people know that you are well, of sound mind, stable, and at peace. In this world, that's a lot.

Your Choice of Words

What a week this past week was. I had tried to write a post here, had written a couple sentences, and had asked my husband if he thought I sounded too negative, too drained of life, as I recounted what this past week was like.

"Do you have to use the word grueling to describe it?" he asked me.

"Well, yes, " I answered back, surprised that he didn't see the aptness of the word. "This past week was one of the most grueling weeks in this entire year."

I know what he was thinking, though. A lot of good things happened this week- why should it be a grueling week? We had our son home this week, on Thanksgiving break from college. We had just been down to our niece's wedding in Nashville over the weekend. Then we drove home and celebrated Thanksgiving with a delicious feast at my sister's house on Thursday. And yesterday we got to go to church and worship and hear a message shared by a man who described himself as a pilgrim. I had poked Bill in the arm when the speaker said that word. That word has particular meaning for us.

So we had a meaningful week; a week of celebration and connection with loved ones. But it was emotionally grueling (and even physically, because of all the days of driving and the fact that I don't think we had a single night where we got to sleep more than six hours). And this morning when we got up at 4am ( yes, four o'clock in the morning), and drove to the airport to send our son back to college in Kentucky, we found out, once there, that he couldn't get his connecting flight. Holiday delays and bad weather were mounting an assault on our best laid plans. The next available flight for him would be tomorrow.

Forget about having all your ducks in a row. "For you have need of endurance" (Hebrews 10:36) comes to my mind. But what I'm craving and calling out for, right now, is refreshment- not the ability to endure. Refresh me, God- give me a second wind! Or at least 8 hours of sleep tonight, and maybe I'll see that the second wind is always available.

When you're weary or worn out, you are open to discouragement and depression. And I'm well aware of that creeping enemy of our soul that loves to capitalize on our times of being flat out of fuel. All week long I had a terrible running inner dialogue going that showed I was starting to talk myself down. I was not encouraging myself. I was not building myself up. And sometimes, sometimes, you just have to build yourself up if others don't see that you're fatigued in spirit and flailing and falling. Sometimes you just have to say the words, to yourself, that you need to hear:

He's with you.
HE is able to save.
He rules.
He reigns.
And He loves you- even when you feel tired and flat as a pancake.
He loves you.

Food for the Soul

Something was bothering me yesterday. I think a lot of it has to do with working on the launching pad of a rocket. You didn't know I was launching a rocket into outer space? Well, neither did I- until a couple years ago. That's when I found out that helping a teenager find their place in the world (perhaps beginning with leaving home and getting to the college of their choice) feels like you are launching a rocket.

Some days I do not like this kind of work. I'm fed up, some days, with encouraging and prodding and staying silent so I don't frustrate a teen who already knows so much (supposedly). Some days I want to shout out all I have done to help this teen, and somehow get this teen to see what I've done so he gives me just a little credit. Just a crumb. Just a morsel of motherhood commendation. Some days I'll just take a smile of gratitude- and occasionally I get that. Such bliss.

And then some days all I want is to eat dinner by myself, with a good book in hand, and forget the drama and hard work of rocket launching. So that's what I did last night. I made dinner for the family: lemon garlic chicken, cheddar-broccoli rice, and mixed vegetables. I had Abby set the table and then called everyone to the table. But then, after grace, I went downstairs, retrieved the bed tray, brought it to my room and set it up. I took my dinner plate and a glass of water to my room, as I called out "Enjoy your meal." They did not even try to stop me. They knew better than to deprive mom of a few moments of peace. And if I decided to not eat with the family (which happens maybe twice a year or so), then the signal was clear: Mom needs to be alone. They happily ate their meal while I was in a mini, temporary paradise of peace and quiet.

I wasn't alone, though. (No, I didn't even let Harry come in and sup with me, though he scratched on the bedroom door for the hour I was in there). I felt God's comforting presence, and I listened to the words of a friend, the author of The Journey of Desire.

The peace and quiet changed to the sounds of a revival taking place. I am not a quiet reader. I fully involve myself with what I am reading. "Yes!" I'll shout when the author states something that I have found to be true. "Sooo true," I'll say, shaking my head in agreement. "Oh, this is so good!" I'll say when I reach the end of a chapter. This is what I was doing when I got to chapter ten and eleven; that- and underlining all over the place.

For an hour I had revelation, epiphanies, solace for my soul, and encouragement for my weary spirit. I had an experience. It was more than just head knowledge. There were breakthroughs: revelations of where I had struggled with the same thing the author was talking about, where I "saw" myself and "saw" what the struggle was. I had moments of wonder and gratitude that God saw to it that I found this book to read. I smiled and laughed and cried- all because I had sequestered myself away for a moment so that I would not break into yelling, or worse, break down and quietly give up.

There is such a difference between giving up and surrendering. There's a difference between boldness of request and arrogance. There's a difference between asking God to grant you the desire of your heart and asking God to take away the pain of something by allowing you to be temporarily intrigued with something that you think is a "desire" of your heart.

There's a difference between rejecting the company of your beloved family, and deciding to remove yourself from their presence so that you might come back to them recharged, refreshed, and...ready to go onward with them.

In Spite of the Mess

My living room, right now, is crammed full of boxes and shopping bags. It's not a large room and it looks even smaller right now. But soon, within four or five hours, there may be a decorated Christmas tree with twinkling lights, and a few presents wrapped and situated under the tree. Just to start with. I will have Christmas carols playing, and I might even get adventurous enough to tackle a baking project today. (It won't be dinner rolls, I can tell you that for sure).

It's bitter cold out today and we're all holed up in our little house, and none more so than Harry, our dog. He still has not recovered from his trip to the groomers and the shearing he underwent. He's nervous and skitzy, shaking himself constantly, running from room to room, and going out to pee constantly. My blonde mop of a dog is gone and in his place is this skinny thing that is acting neurotic and inconsolable.

When he's unsettled, I feel a bit more unsettled. So it will fall to me to speak soothingly to him, pet him a bit more softly and put some kisses on his forehead and keep telling him, "You're alright. You're okay. Really." I'm hoping he will believe me- even though he could be secretly seething with resentment for me having taken him to the place that was his undoing. But that's the sad thing. Dogs don't seethe with resentment. They bear the injustices quietly, their big eyes looking at you with a question of "How could you?"

He doesn't understand that this was a necessary thing. The clipping had to be done. The cleaning out of his ears, the shampooing and the brushing- it was all necessary. And then he would, of course, come home to me. He should know that by now- he always comes home to us. But he came home different than when he left. He came home troubled and fretful. And it's going to take him some days to get his old relaxed feeling, his equilibrium, back.

I completely understand that. Anytime I experience change- positive or negative- it takes me a bit to process what just happened. Just as I feel adept at coping with a situation, I get the news of something new that will affect me. It can be good news or bad news. I still have to adapt to the changes it will bring to my life.

If we go back to the subject of the apostle Paul's contentment with abundance as well as with times of lack, we see that the apostle really had a divine enablement in coping with not just these two extremes, but just coping with change, period.

For some people, going from Thanksgiving Day one day, and waking up the next day into the whoosh of full blown Christmas shopping, festive plans for merry making and holiday baking- it can be a little much to process. It's a change that can be a bit hard on the system- and that is not insulting the meaning of Christmas. It's simply explaining our human, physical reality.

I don't want to aim for perfection in setting the physical scene for Christmas. Because even if I decorate beautifully, the kids will throw the pillows on the floor, the dog will probably throw up on the couch, and I will bake something, at some point, and leave it too long in the oven. As the smoke fills the room and the smoke detector goes off, shrieking its outcry of judgment that I have burned something yet again, I will look around and survey the mess. I don't want to conclude, incorrectly, that I have failed to welcome Christ into our home, just because of the mess around me. I want to acknowledge my reality, but then I want to anticipate something more than what I see.

The original Christmas Day- the day of Christ's birth- did not contain detailed menu planning, shopping, decorating, Christmas tree decorating, dealing with relatives.... The scene, instead, was a hay encrusted manger, smelly animals, a woman in physical pain - giving birth, and then....wonder.

Wonder can be experienced, quite literally, in spite of the mess we're in. Or maybe it's precisely because we are in such a mess, that the wonder of God's miracle comes to us.

Who's the Counselor You See?

There were about 75 women at the Women's LIFE Workshop last night. They gathered to hear me share "The Answer to Runaway Emotions". I shared the good news that there was Someone who could handle the wide range of emotions they experienced. The bad news, though, was that we have to be honest about what we feel, whether its fear, anger, disappointment, jealousy. To be honest with God - about what we're not only going through, but what we're feeling- we have to call a spade a spade. We've got to throw away the mask, take off the pious smile of bravery and bluffing, and get real. With God.

Emotions are "a complex reaction pattern..." defines Wikipedia. "A conscious mental reaction (such as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling..." Websters online dictionary relates.

Just listing some emotions can make you feel woozy: anger, bitterness, confusion, happiness, embarrassment, fear, frustration, grief, hate, jealousy, pride, remorse. We could call emotions the volcano of our innermost being or the bane of our existence.

But since God came up with the idea for us to have emotions- He created us- we can have full confidence that when others can't handle us because of our complex, emotional state, God CAN. He can handle it all. Especially the ugly feelings. Nothing shocks Him. If you pour out your heart to Him, He can handle hearing your reality without His perfect character and viewpoint getting affected by your hindered state.

Beth Moore shares in her book, Praying God's Word- "One of the wonderful things about God's immutable character is that we're not going to tempt Him to sin when we take our negative feelings to Him. He can take our frustrations without being harmed by them."

I shared how throughout Scripture various figures expressed their feelings to God. Elijah had his despondent, almost suicidal moment in 1 Kings 19. David pours out all his emotions throughout the Psalms. Then there's my favorite, Jonah. Yeah, the guy who was swallowed by the whale. That's usually how we remember him.

But the great message of the book of Jonah is that this ugly acting, pouting, proud, angry prophet- while not a role model for us, as a whole- was an honest man. He excelled at honesty, in his "inner most parts". And for that we may need to give him credit for at least... authenticity.

The prophet Jonah is sent to a pagan city to preach a call to repentance. But more than that, the book of Jonah is also about God dealing with a petulant, angry prophet who can't deal with God's mercy to "those people". God listened to this prophet's expression of anger, displeasure and pain at seeing his former enemies receive God's mercy. An angry man talked with God- the King and Ruler of the Universe- and he lived to talk about it. God doesn't strike you down, dead, if you express your hurt, your rage, your pain. He can handle it. Perfectly. He's the Only One who can.

As we wound up last night, a young woman approached me. "What was that thing you said at the end, about how when people ask you 'Who's the Counselor you see?' and you said tell them 'It's the Lord Jesus- He handles my runaway emotions'? How do I get to see this counselor? How do I get to go to Him?" she asked, her eyes wide with longing.

So I sat down with her and her friend, and answered her. I told them about the incredible opportunity we have to not only cast all our cares upon Him, but the opportunity we have to go running to Him, without shame or fear, and call Him, "Father." I told her how we "change our mind" about who would be in control of our life. I shared about how we exchange our lost, sinful state for an eternal condition of "accepted and redeemed"; how we receive a robe of righteousness that Christ alone could put on us, because of what He did on the cross.

They both said they wanted "all that". I nodded my head in response to their request, recognizing their longing, thinking to myself-what soul would not want all that mercy spilled out for them? I want it, Lord. I want it fresh in my life, all over again.

We prayed together. They repeated a prayer after me- not because it was a magic formula and the words had to be just right, but because this was the first time they were talking directly to God.

But once you've been introduced to the merciful Savior and Lord, you know Him now as Your heavenly Father. You can talk to Him about what you're going through, what you're feeling, what flipped your world upside down that day.

If we've understood the magnitude of this access we have- to all of His counsel and His merciful love, there won't be a thing or a soul who can get in the way of us going straight to Him, every time, with every matter. If we're breathing, we'll always have something to say, something on our mind or something heavy on our heart.

But we now know Someone who will lovingly receive our tainted offering- our outpouring of who we are and what we feel. He receives us. He receives us as we are- feeling afraid, maybe angry or in grief. We can go to Him, knowing that we are not eternally lost, but perhaps temporarily "misplaced". Maybe we've wandered off course, emotionally spent or confused by the storm we're feeling. When we don't know what to do next, He does.

And with a sigh of relief we realize- we've got Someone who can handle it...all.

Authenticity

Now that my husband is back (from the men's retreat this weekend), I have someone to talk to in the early morning, over hot steaming mugs of coffee. When I hear myself talk to my husband- when I hear what I have to say- I realize that I'm processing a lot. It's the way my mind works. I'm glad my husband can handle the fact that I always have something to say. (He knew what he was getting into when he first dated me- I was not the silent type, even back then).

But I was as a child. Perhaps I am making up for a childhood where I kept so much inside of me, other than the bit I revealed to my secret diary that I named "Holly". Holly was my imaginary, best friend- never shocked at what I had to say, never surprised by the vehemence of my feelings. She was the best "friend" a girl could have. She could handle it all- hook, line and sinker. And I did a lot of sinking in those days.

As I prepare to teach this month's Women's LIFE workshop at my church, I am addressing the topic of "Runaway Emotions". Nothing major- just addressing the reality of fear, anxiety, depression, happiness, jealousy, euphoria, shame, confusion.....all part of the Christian's life.

Yes, in spite of the fact that you know the Creator and Savior of the World, you are still a person with emotional reactions to many things. And emotions don't quietly subdue themselves at the singing of a hymn in church. Emotions don't disappear at the sound of a Bible opening. No, you've got to deal with them. Or at least find someone who can deal with them. The perfect person, of course, who can handle it all is God Himself. "Casting ALL your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7) He can handle your runaway emotions- and not even be flabbergasted by the depth and the range of what you feel.

I did not have that as a basic premise back when I was a child. Few people even discussed the word "authenticity" and what it meant. In my family, I wish we could have validated the good, the bad, and the ugly, more frequently and fairly. Back then, most Christians were stuck in the "go to Church and what ever you do, look good!" thing. No one shared their downfalls, their messy scenes of family life, or their awkward moments of falling apart. Most of all, you didn't discuss among yourselves how awful it felt to be afraid, or what you "saw" when you looked around you- if it wasn't good- or how ridiculously uncomposed we really were when the guard was let down and the need to look good was gone. And when we talked to God, we often told Him...what we thought He wanted to hear. Not the reality of what we felt or were dealing with.

My kids are experiencing a different environment, I think. Life at home, here, is... interesting. Often messy, but real. My husband and I have gone out of our way to make sure that our kids know that what you feel and what you think can change, can get modified, or debated and discussed. We don't want them to learn to package themselves up nicely and have raging emotions on the inside, not dealt with, never expressed.

Yes, there is a need for propriety and self control. And there is Truth that does not change. But what we want is for our kids to search for the Truth. When it comes to the Truth of Christ Alone, Christ the Lord- each one must decide for themselves. A conviction about the Christian faith? We want it to be their conviction, not ours- shoved onto them.

That's why my kids can yell out, "Mom, TD Jakes is on TV" knowing he inspires me, while deciding that they get nothing out of watching him. I won't make them watch. But sometimes my son will come in and lay on the end of my bed and listen for a minute. I think he may be considering what it is that I'm getting out of this guy's sermon. He's considering the merit of the message I am personally celebrating.

But it's not just a guy preaching on T.V. It could be a book I'm reading. Or maybe the sermon we just heard at church. We're talking about it. We're expressing our view points.

We are each a work in progress.

Oh, Happy Day.

I'm on a new little streak, here. Humor me. It's called happiness. It's why I've chosen this new song- Jose Happy- (scroll down a bit to activate it) to play here as you read this. It reminds me of my year spent in Spain, over 20 years ago, a time when I was tossed about in my emotions, my perspective, my sense of who I was. Being happy wasn't my pursuit then. I wanted something way more than that. I wanted to know the way out of confusion and darkness. I wanted a miracle to settle the turbulence within me.

But today, I'll settle for being happy, as trite as that sounds. It's a beautiful fall day. My daughter and I just purchased two cans of pumpkin, planning to make pumpkin-chocolate chip cake. And we bought a bag of honey crisp apples. She bit into one, handed it to me, and I took a bite. "It does taste like honey," I said in amazement. Apples advertised correctly. What a novelty. Such happiness.

But happiness is relevant. It depends on whether you catch yourself in the moment, smiling, relaxed, noticing the fall colors, or humming along to a song. It's not a monumental life changing emotion. For some, it's a controversial emotion. Many Christians even fear it. After all, it sounds shallow, wanting to be "happy". Many of us have been trained to be stoic and long suffering. Some of us have had to major in endurance and perseverance. For some, happiness is an insult- when you're going through a tragedy and grief is a blanket around your shoulders. I understand that.

But when happiness truly touches you on the shoulder, I think we should just welcome it, accept it. Not broadcast it in the face of someone who is suffering, but not deny it when we're near those who despise the sound of the word- for no reason they're aware of.

I dare to be happy. Trust me, it's not that hard to be happy, but it seems hard to let other people know you are.

When you're happy and smiling, the world wants to know a couple things: Why are you happy? and Do you deserve to be happy?

Well, of course I don't deserve it. Anymore than I deserve to see the sun rise or to experience unending grace all the days of my life because of a Savior who loves me. Of course I don't deserve it. And that's exactly why I am happy, today, in this moment. Cause I've had a glimpse of powerful grace in a calm day of simple pleasures.

That's all. And that's more than enough.


"Blessed is every one who fears the LORD, who walks in His ways. When you eat the labor of your hands, you shall be happy, and it shall be well with you." Psalm 128:1,2

Even if Your Heart Isn't in It

There are things that disturb our lives- such as mice living in our walls- that are needlessly there. We have authority over certain realms: our home, our physical bodies, our thoughts. Yet we allow certain things to exist in our lives that do nothing but trouble and unsettle us- and we do nothing about their removal. Maybe because we don't "feel like it".

Then there are other realms where supposedly "God reigns" because we declare it to be so, and yet we climb in the driver's seat, rev it up a notch, and off we go- our agenda at the wheel, ourselves in control, and in danger of ruining our lives.

I've had several conversations with different people over the last couple weeks where the issue of what we want to do "to take charge" has come up. And what we often want to do is look good, and sound good, even as we're doing something "not good."

One person I know is deliberately pursuing something out of the will of God and yet desperately trying to find some scriptural back-up to support her as she goes driving off, pursuing her own wayward agenda.

"I just don't feel like doing it anymore, " she said to me, regarding the "right" path she had been on.

"So what? God doesn't care what you feel like when you're pursuing something against His will," I said. (Lovely affirming counselor, aren't I?!)

The interesting thing is, my next topic for my Women's LIFE workshops is all about emotions. I'll address how God wants us to bring all our feelings to Him, wants us to sort through and sift through- with HIS help- what we feel- because it matters to Him what we feel.

But while it matters what we feel, it's not an excuse,to God, as to why we do what we do. If I don't "feel like" telling the truth, God doesn't excuse me from the task of honesty just because I don't feel like it. God doesn't care that "your heart isn't in it"- He cares that you obey. Yes, for some of us, we may have to even do it kicking and screaming and God will be pleased- that we did it.

Our pediatrician has known my two kids since Abby was one year old. Alex is my strong silent warrior. He has had his back covered in 30+ needles- twice- for allergy testing, and then for years, 4 shots weekly. He accepted it all quietly and with a stoic look. Abby, on the other hand- and much to my pediatrician's delight- is another story. Abby's doctor had to call in three nurses to hold her down as she kicked and screamed, just to get one little vaccination done. Every time. For several years. And he'd say, "That's my girl!" and look at her with such pride. Was he nuts? I realize now he was proud of her fighter spirit- but, regardless, he was going to make her conform to what was good for her (the vaccination) even if she didn't feel like it. He knew some day she'd be glad she did. So he ignored her fury and her outcry.

Yet there's such a thing as holy fervor. A fervent passionate faith expressed in zeal and fervor that almost looks like you're doing something out of feelings alone. But something- Someone- bigger than you is behind that fervent expression.

Fervor is an intensity of feeling or expression. I think that holy fervor is God's passionate heart towards something expressed through us- and THAT is Someone's feelings that I SHOULD care about! It isn't just the thoughts of God, the plans of God, that we should be thrilled He thinks toward us (Jer.29:11). It's His Zealous heart beat for something that I want to agree with.

I think that's why, lately, I have not minded getting lovingly rebuked (which is a nice way of saying someone is passionately saying "you're wrong, you blockhead!"). I can be "thick" about something, self-sabotaging or negligent in doing my part to carry out what God has called me to. I can be pig headed and belligerent- and I'm not getting away with it, thank God.

But I also will challenge others to the truth of the integrity and counsel of God's Word- not the nice soothing current counsel of "you get to "feel good and still 'do' bad and it will all come out in the wash."

No, when you mix a good plan- from God- and a bad, stubborn course you set out upon, you get the murky, muddy brown mess of a....mess.

Some worry that they will not get a slap on the wrist from God when they're going wayward, and that maybe it will take a horrible calamity to get their attention and so they continually try to convict themselves over every little thing to avoid the vengeance of God. I should know- I spent years doing this when I was in my teens.

But God is perfectly capable of getting through to you- if you want to be spoken to. If you really want to know the truth that sets you free. If you search for Him, you WILL find Him- and His plan for you, His correction, if needed, His warning. How can you assure yourself of hearing Him?

Every time He speaks, answer Him with "Here I am" -even if you're in the middle of stealing cookies, committing adultery or walking inadvertently into the enemy's trap. If the whisper of God comes- the conviction, the knowledge that you KNOW you're doing the wrong thing- agree with Him . Agree with Him even as you are caught in that sin. (He saw it all. He can handle what you did- but you can't handle what you did if you don't receive correction, make a change of mind and heart, turn around, go the other way, close the door behind you and don't look back).

Let God disturb your false sense of peace. It's a blessing you'll come to realize, later.

When the finger of God touches that pulse point of pain and impurity- accept it. Nod your head in agreement, climb out of the driver's seat, and ignore the protest of your feelings at that very moment.

Instead, embrace the fervor and jealousy God has for the things of His heart to be at work in you. Let it all come to a head in your life. Get passionate about what He feels about you, wants for you. It's love that doesn't exactly feel so good, at that moment. But it's a time of glorious gain.

Later, it's seen as the harvest you almost lost-if you had gone with your feelings. But you responded to Him, nevertheless, to what He thought and planned for you. You responded to His correction, valuing Him over your feelings.

It'll be a harvest you'll later rejoice over ....with holy fervor. And those are feelings - a passionate conviction maybe expressed in shouts of joy- that you don't want to ignore.