Greetings from Somewhere Near the Yukon

Every year I have more admiration and empathy and respect for my parents, who raised five very different and opinionated children who are now extremely different and highly opinionated adults.

On top of all that child rearing, my dad was a fifth grade teacher. He taught young squirmy pre-pubescent kids for over 30 years. So on those days when he'd come home from school in a particularly bad mood, and something we did set him off, and he'd yell, "That's it, I'm leaving! I'm going to the Yukon"- I didn't blame him in the least. For wanting to leave. I just didn't understand the attraction that the barren Yukon had for him.

But I have had my days where I was ready to leave my house in a mess, my kids in their bad mood, and get me to someplace- anyplace- as long as it wasn't stuck where I was. So I began to understand the attraction the Yukon had for my Dad. Not to mention the fact that I got interested in the Iditarod and found the idea of racing sled dogs in an icy wilderness a most attractive idea.

But just to let you all know, I am not going to the Yukon. Not exactly. I am not marching off in a huff or in a disgruntled mood or even in a sense of relief that I get to get away from the blogging world. (Okay, I take that back- I think there is a little bit of relief at the idea of getting away from the Blogging world and getting very quiet and very unknown, if only for a little bit of time).

Instead of me marching off to the vast Unknown, think of me sailing off in a canoe, dozing and relaxing, while I wind up getting further away from shore and unafraid to do so. I'm sailing into Change, into Closure, into something way better than the Yukon. It's just that I don't know what it is called.

Beginnings and Endings and the Important In-Between

It's not unusual, that at a time that everything and every one is off to a fresh start (my son back at college down south, my daughter at a new public high school) , that I feel in need of one myself. A fresh start. It's like I'm an overgrown flowering plant, and I need a pruning and dead-heading (I believe that's what its called- not sure, because I don't have a green thumb. My nickname is plant killer).

I have loved writing this blog, and have never regretted the name of the blog. We all need fuel for our faith. We need shots of inspiration and doses of encouragement and buckets of grace to live a victorious life.

But lately, I just have this feeling like I am stuck in a rut, with not only my writing, but also what I write about. Sometimes I feel like there are new avenues for me to explore and I am holding on to too many things, too many roads that I've already traveled.

Faith Fuel is not ending. Not yet, at least. Not today at least. But I can't say that I will always be here, under this title, with that little fireplace widget flaming and brightening the page. I think there's new subjects, deeper explorations of various intriguing life matters that I may want to get into.

I'm getting old. But I don't want to age. I don't want to get set in my ways or set in stone, or God forbid, forget that when the stone was rolled away,that Life burst forth and is calling us onward, upward, higher...and to new terrain.

From One Season to the Next

I'm sporadic in my posting lately, I know. It's just that I've been busy, racing around, involved in a lot of things. Instead of the lazy hazy days of summer, I am experiencing more of a Spring time renewal. Things are growing: like some new relationships I have, possibilities for income, my Meyer Lemon tree sapling my brother Mark gave me, and my appetite (for some reason I want corn on the cob almost every night for supper, and then lots of salty popcorn later on in the evening).

In less than a month, our daughter will celebrate her 15th birthday, my husband will drive our son back to college (a lo-o-o-ng 14+ hr journey) and my husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. I'll probably be playing that song "Celebrate good times" loud and clear.

I'm encouraged by the newly found interest my son, Alex, has in good health- and hoping that we won't have any trips to the emergency room this coming year because of his asthma or bouts with pneumonia. Not if my Dad can help it: he has loaded Alex up with bottles of vitamins and fish oil pills, and I'm sure the bags of nuts, seeds, and dried fruits will be coming next. It's a good feeling when others are aiding you in your pursuit to strengthen your child- even if your pursuit is practically pushing good nutrition down their throat (it's all out of love, trust me).

It's almost mid August, and I'm not sorry at all that summer is coming to an end. It's been a good summer, a healing summer. We never did get to the ocean for our annual vacation. It was tight financially for a while. But it was never tight or thin with lack of love. There's been a lot of joy, togetherness, pizza making, celebrating (even if its just celebrating the little things). It's been a rich summer, golden and bright with hope.

And Fall being the Harvest season, and somewhat visible already, has me feeling very expectant, very alive with hope, and very much glad to be alive.

And That's How HE Sees it

I've put it off long enough, and if I put it off any longer I will be a walking menace to society. Or a driving menace, rather. I need to get new lenses. Which requires an eye exam. Which requires me making the appointment and then realizing that I should pick out new frames while I'm at it. And frankly, the choices of eye glass frames are too many. So I'm tempted by my stay-in-the-safe-zone nature to just keep my old glassess and muddle on as I am- out dated and out of focus.

Except that I really do want to see clearly. I can't stand being in the dark about things. Lately I realize that the term "walking by faith" is not that accurate a description. Sometimes Faith is more of a frantic groping for something firm, stumbling in the dark, walking into No Where Land. When you "see" nothing before you, and you still remember your convictions of God's Love and His promised presence, that's when you are carrying the torch of Faith. It's blazing and it's bright- but it still doesn't light the path before you. You still may be in the dark about a lot of things.

I was reading through one of my favorite chapters, Hebrews 11, when I noticed how often the term "did not see" was mentioned or alluded to. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen...so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible...must believe that HE is (even though you can't see God)...By faith, Noah being warned of things not yet seen....Abraham...went out, not knowing where he was going (He didn't see "Homeland" in blazing lights before him.Probably all he saw was dust in the wind!).

There's more and more references to this factor of trusting God and hearing Him though you don't see Him. Though you don't see how He can get you to where you need to be. Though you don't see the solution or even see how there could possibly be one.

It seems God really gets psyched about our belief in His ability to be Everything we need- to the point that what we see-or don't see before us- becomes irrelevant. God loves people who not only walk by faith, but live by faith, stumble ahead by faith, keep the faith.

There's a fine line between being faith-filled and being filled with foolishness and stupidity. Frankly, the account of Noah building an ark, by faith, doesn't help us walk this fine line. I don't know that I would hang out with any Noahs today. I don't like crazy Christians, weird religious people, extreme fanatics. They scare me. They probably scare you too.

But I don't care for drippy drab middle-of-the line-believers either. There's nothing powerful or inspiring about someone who never takes risks, never believes big, and never gets near to looking ridicuolous- because they were moved by faith. And it seems God isn't too big on these kind of people either.

He's ready to reward those who believe in His amazing power and love. He's looking for those radicals who will draw nearer to Him at the risk of becoming a little too risky in their behavior. He's not looking to make anyone become a weirdo or a nutcase. It's just that in this strange world we live in, people moved by faith look even stranger.

But remember, what you see is not everything. We have yet to see and experience the wonder of what God wants to do in our lives if we will just rely less on what we see and instead hang on to the One who sees it ALL.

Quote for the Week

"The word progress comes from the Latin progredi, which means 'to step forward'. Life is not about being perfect; it's about having the courage to move forward one step at a time."

-Noah St. John, Author

Guy with the Guitar- You Know Who You Are

What a great Easter celebration we had yesterday. At church, in the middle of worship with a choir backing up the main worship leader, they started a new song and there was a voice singing- an incredible true beautiful voice- and we didn't know where it was coming from.

"Who's singing?" my husband asked. "It's a different voice. It's not the main worship leader- but I can't see who it is that's singing because there's so many on the stage".

"It's the guy with the guitar, I think. The electric guitar," I whispered back. Or maybe it's a bass guitar- I don't know much about those instruments. But I do know a good voice when I hear it.

It wasn't a good voice as in trained, professional, or even superior sounding. It just rang out so true and so clear and so haunting that it drew us into worship. This guy was talented. But he was more than that. He has been hidden. He's still a bit hidden- at least to us. We don't know his name. We don't know his background. We don't know if he has a desire to pursue a career in singing- or if his own talent and beauty is hidden even from himself.

I hope he knows what a gift God has given him. I wanted to say something to him after church, but I didn't see him until we were walking out the building. I'm going to try to find him next week and let him know how touched I was by his part in the worship team. I want to let him know he has something rare and true and honest and soul searing; that his voice may have a rare anointing on it. That even though he may have tried to pursue a singing career or a segue way into the music industry and maybe met with some obstacles, to not give up!

Or maybe he is already on his way. Maybe the doors are wide open and he has experienced favor and success and encouragement all over the place. I kinda doubt it (being the pessimist that I am! Well, a reformed pessimist who is open to being optimistic). Most people meet with more defeat than they do success. At least early on. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

But I'm not about to let that influence me entirely. I love to see people find their way, pursue their dream, get on track, or get back on track if they are off track. I love to see a gift make way for someone- and this young guy has a gift.

Guy with the Guitar, you might not know who you are....yet. You might not realize what a talent you have and that its worth pursuing that uphill course to fulfilment of your God given dream.

But I know who you are: you are amazing, talented, gifted. And you touched my heart this past Easter Sunday. A song rose in my own heart, right after you sang. And this song is still ringing out today.

I"m Certain of This

I told my husband over coffee, this morning, that he wasn't as good a listener as he used to be. He sipped his coffee, listening to my little rant, and said nothing.

"See? That's what I mean!" I said with a bit of exasperation in my voice. (Okay, more than a bit). "You used to comment more on what I commented on. I need your feedback. I feel like I know more of what I'm thinking if you comment on what I'm thinking 'cause then I can see if what I'm thinking is clear and sound or if it's crazy."

You're probably thinking to yourself, That poor man- what he has to put up with! But really, this guy knew exactly what he was getting into 20 something years ago because I was this verbal and this overly analytical when he knew me then!

I like to hear what my husband is thinking about what I'm thinking. He's very sound and sensible, and he's slow to speak but when he says something, he means it.

I always thought that the Apostle Paul was kind of like this too. But lately I've been seeing him in a whole new light. People who know God can know His will, but that doesn't mean we know the Whole will of God and are cognizant of it at every moment. Our minds would split open if that were the case because God's will is overwhelming...for us , not for Him.

I was reading in 1 Corinthians 16 about the collection of money for the Christians in Jerusalem, and was looking at Paul's instructions when I started to note something interesting. As spiritual and strong in the Lord as Paul was, he was still a man, and therefore he was often in the dark about God's will even when he was walking in the light.

Notice the wording here from verse 4 through 7: "And if it seems appropriate...I am planning to travel through Macedonia... It could be that I will stay a while, perhaps all winter... I want to come and stay awhile if the Lord will let me...". If you feel like commenting under your breath, Make up your mind, Paul- don't worry. That's what I felt like doing too.

Making up your mind about what you are doing and where you are going and if God wants you to do something, is a another aspect of God's will- His forward looking will. There's the sense of God's will for you today: don't lose your temper, give grace, be slow to anger, be abounding in love. That's God's will for you right now.

But then there's also the sense of what is God's will for you tomorrow and next year? Because you have to make certain choices in life that affect the rest of your life ( choice of college, choice of career, choice of spouse, choice of friends) you do need to know God's will. As we can see in this 1 Corinthians 16 passage, Paul seemed a bit fuzzy on what and where he would be next week and next year. But the good news is that I don't think he made those fuzzy sounding statements with a heart of anxiety and fear.

God will make it clear ...where you need to be next year.

God will make a way...when you feel you can't even make it through today.

I can say those statements with certainty- even if I am uncertain about what He will do and what He wants for you- as far as particulars. It just could be that He wants you to feel as uncertain as you do about what you will do- but certain of His love and His will to guide you.

I am planning to write more on this subject...if it seems appropriate. It could be that I will write more tomorrow...or perhaps the next day. I'm not sure yet.

But whatever I eventually decide to do, however meandering a path I take, or however uncertain I feel, I'm certain of this: God WILL make a way. And I'm also certain of this: today is a good day to KNOW that you can know not only His will, but the God of Heaven and Earth, Himself- Savior, Way Maker, Everlasting Father, Almighty God.

Nomads - and the God Who Leads Them

Harry's not doing well, lately. It could be he has an ear infection, or it could be he's upset due to all the commotion of getting the house ready for showings. We're selling the house and we're moving...but we haven't decided where, exactly, we are moving to. (We've done this before- don't worry. I think we have nomadic blood).

D o we want to do another fixer upper? (We've done...hmmm, let's see, five...six of them so far. Now that Bill is doing a big remodeling job for a client, it's got him hankerin' for another big project of his own). Do we want to move down the street? To the town next door and switch school systems? Or do we want to try a move down south again- because perhaps we really are southeners at heart and just don't know it yet? We may have many months to decide in this slower market, and that's fine with me.

Stay tuned to find out what we do, where we go. It's all a mystery right now. These are the kind of mysteries I like. The kind where there is an unfolding of a plan, a sleuthing out of God's hand (where might His blessing be? What is God pointing to, specifically, in our life?) and an answer at the end. A good Answer.

I'm ready for another challenge, and particularly the kind where my husband puts his hands and his carpentry skills to a house and in a year it looks like a completely different place. Obviously it's not a great Real Estate market right now, but in my mind its always a good time to update, remodel, make brighter and bigger and more beautiful. I think God Himself is "into" renovation and remodeling and building. It's just that He is a Foundation specialist at heart, and we forget that. You've got to get your foundation right or everything else will be wrong. Shaky. Prone to crumbling.

So combine the fresh smell of Spring in the air with the idea of moving onward and add to that not knowing exactly where you're going and you get a real good sense of the adventure I'm having. Some days its all so exhilarating. And some days its overwhelming.

And on those overwhelming days , when Harry is anxious and needs me to calm him down, we cuddle on the couch and I drink some hot tea, and I take a deep breath and tell Harry in my most soothing convincing voice, "Everything will be okay". He believes me. I believe God. And that's how it's got to be when Life is an adventure and God is at the helm of your ship.

What You Need to Know

There's something to be said for keeping some information close to your chest. I say that not referring to being overly private or snobbish but because I just watched the newer BBC version of Jane Austen's Persuasion, for the second time, and I noticed something for the first time.

Between sipping my vanilla ice cream and banana milkshake that my daughter made for us, and being wedged in between my husband and daughter and Harry, who was lying on my feet, I suddenly saw this issue in the movie- this sub theme having to do with what we know and what we don't know.

People, back then, had a certain decorum when it came to releasing information or news. There was a certain timing to when you shared things and how you released the news, and this was seen as a good thing. You didn't just announce to the world at large certain updates in your life. No, there was a certain timing for when you'd share with a larger audience what was going on in your life, what was going on in your heart, even.

This did cause certain problems though. In the case of Captain Wentworth and his undying love for Anne Elliot, because he was misinformed, "utterly misinformed" about his conclusion that she was going to marry her cousin, his hope for declaring his love to her (for the second time) was dashed to smithereens- for a brief moment. He was wrong about what he thought was going to happen because while nobody had announced Anne's engagement to her cousin, society had seen the signs of a pending union and had intimated that it was to take place.

Dashed hopes occur when you think you have no chance of something you long for. But you just might be misinformed about the situation. It seems to me that while God is not particularly known as as having a style of 19th century behavior, He does tend to keep certain information close to His chest, close to His heart. He doesn't just share any old thing with you, whenever you want to know it, for whatever reason you think you need to know it.

God discloses certain needed information to you at just the right time. The thing is, the Right Time is His time, and its not tied in with common societal expectations, social customs, or anything like that. For the most part, we have no idea about what motivates Him to share important information with us. We've heard He is motivated out of love to guide and help us and answer our prayers. But God is also a God of wisdom. Wisdom has to do with timing, strategy, insight, knowledge, perception, discretion...shall I go on?

How much insight and knowledge can we actually handle? Apparently we can handle little of it. We'd like to be worthy of God bending down and sharing secrets with us, but we may not be ready for God to share too many things with us. It could cause problems for us because we're not ready to know what God knows about us and what God knows about our future.

So I sipped my frothy banana shake last night and contemplated how God might just love me so much that He is telling me little. And when He does disclose certain needed information to me, He loves me that much too.

He always knows just what I can handle.

It's in His Will

I'm not sure where I first heard the saying, "Where there's a will, there's a way" but I imagine it was something I heard from my parents or an older friend of the family. It's a true saying, I think. But it's a bit misleading.

Now that I have a son in college, and a teenage daughter, I have had plenty of practise dealing with wills. I have a strong will, myself- or at least my husband tells me that. For the most part, when you talk about someone's will, we tend to look at it in a negative light. I think Dobson had a book dealing with strong-willed children, and I think it sold a ton of copies.

Lately as I'm driving along doing errands and talking to God at the same time, I have not been aware of my will, that much, and yet I'm not pleading and begging, as much, for God to show me His will. I've had a bit of an epiphany in these last couple months. Finding God's will (which seems to me to be a strong will) is not all that hard. I've had so many No's and Closed Doors in the last year that it was clear what God's will wasn't. And so I started to conclude that while I didn't know exactly why he was closing certain doors, at least I knew that by not trying to push my way through those closed doors that I was in His will. It became less important to know what His exact, perfect will was and more important that I get it through my thick head what wasn't His will.

Here's my new outlook as Spring approaches: God has a way for me to go, it isn't all that hard to figure out what isn't the right way, and if I cooperate with God- through patience and an optimistic attitude toward the No's- I'll soon have and see all the Yes's I can handle. Because "... all the promises of God in him are yes, and in him Amen, to the glory of God by us" (2 Cor 1:20).
And that word "promise" refers to a divine assurance of good, a pledge.

The only reason why I would struggle with God's pledge to me- to treat me with grace and give me a hope and a future- is if I struggle with the underlying will of those promises. Is it God's will to give me open doors and grace and goodness? Is He quick to want good for me- or is He a God bent on hard times and hard knocks so that we will not get too hopeful for our own good?!

Oswald Chambers comments on this problem of understanding someone's will: "And beware of exhibiting religious deceit by saying, 'Oh, I have no misgivings about Jesus, only misgivings about myself.' If we are honest we will admit that we never have misigivings and doubts about ourselves, because we know exactly what we are capable or incapable of doing. But we do have misgivings about Jesus."

The misgiving we have has to do with: will He or won't He? We know He is capable of holding the world in His hands, but will He hold our own personal world upright and steady when it seems to be crumbling about us? Will He come to the rescue just in time or will He wait as long as He desires to let us stew in our mess or sink in our hole or languish in misery or freeze up in fear?

To believe in God's Almighty Power is to also believe in His power and will to give. He desires to help us. He wants to intervene. He's ready to assist. He has a strong healthy will- and that means that His will is linked to grace, and motivated by love, and fixed on restoration and redemption and release from bondage.

It's a good will. All the time. And that's what I love about Him. And that's what I'm thinking about today.

Travel Plans

I drove up to my bank's drive-up teller window and there was Lou, my favorite bank teller. I handed him my deposit forms and asked him how his new year was going so far.

"Ask me again in March and I'll know by then" he answered with a half smile.

It's only 9 days into the New Year and he, perhaps, didn't feel qualified to say how good the year was, so far, because maybe he needed to compare these first nine days to the next months ahead, and then he would know by comparison.

I know all about making a conclusion (or a projection) based on a comparison. That's how we often decide how we are doing. "Well, compared to yesterday, I'm fine" or "Well, compared to last year, this year hasn't been that bad."

I can't compare this start to the New Year to any other years because I don't think I've ever begun a New Year the way I've started this year: decidedly not making any New Year's resolutions of my own, and feeling like God wanted to show me what resolutions He has in mind for me. He has been showing me, day by day.

I joked with the postal clerk at the post office, the other day, about what New Year's Resolutions he made this year.

"I didn't make any- because I always break them. Better not to make them at all, and then I won't feel guilty" he said.

See, that's exactly how I didn't begin this year: with pressure, with guilt, with a sense of let-see-how-this-year-goes-but-I'm-already-not-too-optimistic. No wonder it's been such a good journey so far, like breathing in a lot of good clean air as you make progress at a nice pace. (God sets the pace for you, so there's no need to compare your progress and pace with someone else).

I'm not sure if it's optimism I feel (but I wouldn't discount that), or if it's relief I feel at not having commenced a rigorous regime of New Year's Resolutions Fulfillment. It's more that I feel like I am on a journey and the ticket that I received says that this is a "Good" trip I've signed up for. I clutch the ticket in my hand and keep going.


How's your year going so far?!

New Year's Resolutions

SUNDAY December 29th, 2008

"That was the longest church service I've ever been to" my nephew told me after church today. He and his family were visiting from out of town, and I had the blessing of having him for an overnight at our house and then after church getting him back to his parents. I smiled at him in empathy and amusement. When you're young and restless, long isn't good- unless it's a long night of video gaming! But when you're older and hungry for more, long can be good. A long service can be like a long soothing backrub for tired achy muscles- no one wants that to stop.

I love Christmas time, but like many, I am okay with it ending- the season of shopping, and wrapping, and cooking and shopping. But that's why I love the period of time between Christmas Day and New Year's Day. For me, this is a time of anticipation. For others, it's a time of excitement or ...dread.

For some, the dread is because of the dreaded resolutions- "I have to make a resolution". So some will immediately think of pounds needing to come off, exercise that must be done daily, or a new healthy habit they need to now employ in their life. No one is relishing the work that comes with the resolution.

Maybe one reason why people fear making a resolution is because they know they are not resolute in what they're about to attempt. We know we easily turn back when the going gets tough because hey, when the going gets tough and the tough get going...we find ourselves often with the group that is not "going". We decide we are not made up of that kind of strong fiber- as though we were made of soft fluffy wool, instead of steel.

I have not forgotten a lot of the insight that came to me when reading Dr. Augusto Cury's book, Think and Make it Happen. And I am not forgetting what I am learning about Fasting, after having read Jentezen Franklin's book. The two can go hand in hand, and the one word that can join these two seemingly dissimilar books is the word Breakthrough.

Breakthroughs occur when ground breaking revelations and sweat producing actions and heart thumping mental resolutions combine together and culminate in something NEW. Yet in spite of how we clamor for the new, we avoid it. New terrifies many of us. "We follow the same schedules, eat the same food, drive to and from work the same way, follow the same patterns of communication with our spouses and children, and meet our needs with the same solutions. In other words, we do not live life very creatively," writes Dr. Cury.

And Jentezen Franklin would contribute his agreement -"Anybody can be normal. Normal is overrated. Someone has to say, 'But I want more! Lord, I'm hungry! I'm going to have to push tradition aside! I'm going to have to push religious rules aside!" He says this because when we fast, we are doing something out of the norm. I would add that maybe we are being creative when we fast. Not that we're intending to be creative by going on a fast- but we have broken the routine, the daily norm, and we are breaking through to deeper communication with God when we fast. We are creatively communicating with Him in the newness of hunger and unfamiliar physical weakness, and with a mind that is starting to clear and a spirit that is magnetized more to God's heart.

Today as I sat in church, I suddenly realized that this year, the new thing for me is that I am not going to make any New Years Resolutions. This could be the first time ever that I am not making a list of resolutions. But there will be Resolutions, make no mistake about that. It's just that I am not creating them.

These Resolutions have already been written for me in Scripture, and I see them now in a whole new light. For instance, "I have set my face like flint, and I know I will not be ashamed" Isaiah 50:7 declares. That's a resolution. I've decided that should be my resolution as well. I didn't write it. I didn't author that thought. God did. But God wants that to be my resolution.

I think God has a number of important resolutions for me. They are HIS resolutions. He is resolved that His children should know His love and His mercy in a whole new way. He is resolved that we should not live as orphans. He is resolved that redemption and renewal should occur in our lives. I am in agreement. Or at least, I want to be in agreement. I want to join in with His New Year's Resolutions for me. He even has New Day Resolutions for me, because every day that I wake up there is new grace, fresh hope, a new slate.

So my journal is devoid of New Year's resolutions this year, as far as resolutions that I compose, dream up, decide upon. I've asked God to let me join in with His work not only in the world, but His special work He is doing in me. He has resolutely declared so many truths in His Word about who He is, what I should know, how I should know Him, that I don't think its wise for me to come up with New Year's resolutions of my own. He's written resolutions that come from His heart, flow out of His will, and are meant to touch my life in such a way that they become my own resolutions.

I'm resolved. I've set my face like flint. I'm strong in Him. I'm not going to be ashamed. And that's just a few that He's speaking to me about. Let the New Year come. It's going to be a good one.

All Kinds of Victory

The last couple nights I have slept terribly. I wake up with a throbbing heavy head, feeling exhausted and confused. Can't remember what I dreamt. There are no symbols or images in my mind to help me understand what I was grappling with in my sleep. Whatever answer I was trying to find, I didn't find it in my dreams.

I spent yesterday sighing a lot. Not good. For me that is the tinge of something near to depression. But its just a tinge; like a spot of mold on your cheddar cheese, and you decide it's only a spot and wipe it off...and then eat the rest of the cheese. And so yesterday I kept wiping off that tinge of darkness that hovered near me. I kept going over lessons with Abby, giving her a vocab test, making us a healthy lunch, running out to the post office and then grocery store later in the afternoon. But I did all this with the sheerest of determination and grit- like a cowboy on a dry dusty trail who finds out the trail is longer than he expected and so he digs in, he keeps going, but he feels lost.


It didn't help that in the morning I was reading the early news about the election results, and I was scanning forums and sites where people were writing words of exultation as well as scathing words of hostility, viciousness, and attack . One man won a presidency, there was a victory-and yet there was a lot of alarm, fear, and despair. I tried not to let this plague of distress enter my newly found grateful-thankful mindset...but it did. I felt my optimism and my happy outlook burst like a balloon that was shot at by a nasty little boy with a slightly evil grin. Even at the grocery store, it seemed like people were rude and mean, and children were out of control and screaming and flailing. One little boy was threatening to run out in the road and the mother was nervously trying to placate him as well as keep him alive at the same time.

"I never had to do that," I told Abby as we headed to the car with our groceries.

"Never had to do what?" she asked.

"I never had to worry about Alex acting up and throwing tantrums and terrifying strangers who passed by. He was a pretty mild kid," I paused in my reverie and then smiled at her. "But he made up for all that in his teenage years, didn't he?!". I wanted her to know that I try not to idealize the past. There are all kinds of pasts: the recent past, the real past, the long-ago past, the past that never really occurred but we keep thinking it did.

Here's why I often return to the past- cause that's when I can see God's hand, His presence, a lot better than I can see it in my "now". Like right now, I know He's with me, that He's for me, but is He in front of me paving the way? Because I often feel like I am in uncharted territory, stumbling forward only to look back for His approval of my direction and seeing that He is not there.

"Why do you look for the living among the dead?...He is not here" the angel said (Luke 24). Why do I keep looking back to see if I can find answers for my future? My past can't help me go forward- especially if I am often repeating it! And if I repeat a lesson that I already learned, that I thought I learned, then where exactly am I- in the past, or in the future regretfully remembering the past?

Either way my feet are dogged by memory, by the good memory of seeing how God intervened, and by regret over how bad it was, over how bad I was. But at least I am pretty clear on what happened in my past. I am not clear on what is happening now. If God is in front of me paving the way, I can't see Him, that's for sure. I can't always feel His presence. I only feel my frantic beating heart on those days where I wake up in a hostile world and remember that I have to go out into it. I do hear His words, though, calling to me from up ahead: Do it afraid, Lauren. Do it afraid.

And if I stumble ahead and go grocery shopping and grade a test and make dinner- even though I'm thinking Does any of this matter- if I do all this feeling wretched and dry and short on air, I find that this pleases Him. This. It's so ironic. I feel queasy and unstable- but He sees, instead, a beautiful sight. He calls it....Faith.

"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him"(Hebrews 11:6). It's just that it seems God always wants to reward me with more opportunities to get to know Him, more chances to stumble ahead, and that's not exactly the Reward I had in mind.

I had in mind a warm blanket and a soft chair; a chance to exult in my recent victory of faith (Lord, I was grateful and optimistic for three whole days!). I had in mind a soothing, "Well done, my child". And instead I hear Him say- from ahead- "Now let's go onward, shall we?".

And so that's what I do.

Not Just Today

It's Tuesday and it's Election Day, and already it seems as if things are being written about this day like it was a done deal, like it's over already. Wall Street was raring for an Election Day rally Tuesday, sending stock futures soaring as millions of Americans battered by tumbling home prices, tight credit and an uncertain job market headed to the polls. And even as we headed to the polls, there was no solace there- no matter who you were voting for. (And trust me, there is one particular jowl ed presidential candidate that I am voting for).

Change may be found at the polls, but not solace, not comfort; it's not a place to rest your heavy heart. You'll place your vote and then you'll walk away and your future may seem to be in the hands of the one who got the most votes- but it's not. It never has been. I'm trying to remember that today.

My future does not lie in this president's future choices. They will affect me greatly- his choices- but that's not where my whole future lies- in what he decides, in what he chooses. I have my own choices to make, and while my choice in the voting booth is important, it is not the most important thing I am voting for. Cause all my votes eventually add up.

I vote daily. I vote with my purchases at the grocery store, with my contributions to certain things, with my selections of food, with the businesses I decide to frequent- or not frequent. There's a store at the mall in town that I detest. It has the word Toys in its name and its signage and you think its meant for children. But its a twisted combination of novelties, some toys, and some vulgar stuff. You might go in there with your child and suddenly realize you made a very bad choice to enter that store. And when that happened to me a while ago, I voted with my mouth and told the shop owner I was surprised by his audacity to sell the stuff he does in a family-looking place. I voted against the place when I walked out of there.

I intend to keep voting even after today, Election Day, ends; and people will have to deal with the results of my votes as well as the fact that I will have to deal with political leaders' decisions and votes. I'm not afraid of what the future president will choose. I'm not afraid of the direction our nation may take- although I'm greatly concerned. Let me be concerned with how I exercise my will, my vote, every day.

Cause it all adds up. Each vote matters. Yours and mine. Today...and every day.

Enough IS Enough!

I'm simmering right now. No, I'm not steaming hot and angry. What I mean is- I feel like I've been working on something, in my subconscious, and its starting to form, starting to come up into my consciousness as an idea, a sentence, a direction. Lord knows I need direction right now. I've been praying for direction, for guidance. And Monday, during the day, a word came to me. Just a word. But I let it simmer in me for a while, like the chicken soup I made last week. (First time I had made homemade chicken soup in years. And I suddenly remembered that the longer you simmer it, the deeper the flavor, the richer the taste).

Here's the word I've been thinking about- Enough. That's all I got on Monday. And then I met with Mu, my dear friend who always cuts to the main point without any need to placate me or prepare me for truth. She knows that as agonizing and unpleasant as Truth is, I still always crave it. It's the only way I know I'm dealing with Reality- if I feel like I've heard the truth. Mu always shares fragments of truth with me, like little odd snapshots she takes of me and I go home and look at these pictures and see something about myself that I've never seen before.

By Tuesday morning I started to think about a passage in Proverbs 30 that is not very well known or loved. It talks about the leech and how it has two "daughters" that always cry out for more- Give me more. And then it says "There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!'". And then it lists these four things that are never satisfied: the grave, the barren woman, dry land, and fire. And I could almost swear I heard my name being added to that list, as if God had an afterthought upon looking down at me. "And add Lauren to that list. She is never satisfied. She never says, 'Enough!'. She forgets to say, 'Oh Thank You Lord! That's enough for me, more than enough' ".

Talk about getting Truth spoken to you. And no one was in the room. No One but me and the whisper of the Holy Spirit which can sometimes feel not so light and whispery but more like a heavy belt of truth that He puts around and it pulls you down to the ground of Reality. Cause sometimes you have to go down before you can go up.

This passage, the commentators say, is talking about covetousness and greed. But I saw something here in this passage that I never saw before. I saw that greedy, complaining, selfish people don't start out looking that way. They start out just not being satisfied, ever, with whats given to them. They would be the one at your tea party who would forget to say "enough" (with a pleasant tone of voice) when you're pouring their tea. And then because they didn't say they had enough you kept pouring and then the tea went everywhere and made a mess. And the mess would be your fault, not theirs- or that's how they would see it.


When is it ever enough? I'm asking myself that. See, my son just got through his second bad cold since he left for college. And he didn't lapse into a major asthma attack or have to go to the hospital because it turned to pneumonia. This is wonderful news. This is a miracle. Is it enough for me to be happy about this? Or will I quickly wave that aside and say, "Now, about the next problem; about the checkbook, Lord, and the bills we have to pay, and the jobs Bill needs....About that, Lord" and act like its not enough that He spared my son from major sickness.

What about the bills we have to pay? Yes, they're looming before us. But at least I spread out the bills on the kitchen table which is in my nice little kitchen which is in the house we own (okay, the bank owns it with us), and the house is solid and dry and situated on a wooded lot in a safe town with lots of state troopers and security cars that patrol the area, keeping little old me safe and ...satisfied? Is it enough? It is enough for me?

I suddenly realize that the challenges before me do not have to do with bill paying, employment, self-employment, financial security, whether or not to pursue writing or go get a full time job in sales...These are not my real challenges, my problems. My problem is that behind all these challenges and obstacles and questions, I have a heart that quickly forgets what God did for me yesterday, last week, last year. I forget all these breakthroughs and miracles and grace moments because in the very moment I am in, I look around and forget to say, "This is enough for me, Lord. It's more than enough."

Cause if I did look around and saw all that I have, I would realize my cup overflows, that He is my Shepherd, that surely goodness and mercy follow me around like a hound dog on a trail and there's no way I will ever get goodness and mercy to stop following me all the days of my life. He has said it is so. And that's enough for me.

Wild Turkeys and Wisdom

This is exactly what I saw yesterday afternoon. Well, not in this caricature form- it was the real thing. A huge wild turkey was pounding away at the basement window of our house, looking like he was frantically trying to come into the house!

But I didn't know that this is what it was, at first. It was such a racket and such a pounding noise that I heard, that I soberly told Abby, "Wait here, and if I don't come back up in five minutes, call 911". I was going to go downstairs and check out what I heard. I honestly thought it was either a bold thief or that the UPS guy had gotten stuck in my garage or something and was hysterically pounding on the door.

So I went downstairs and there in front of me was this huge wild turkey. I have to tell you that they are the most ridiculous looking of all birds: tiny, tiny head, flubbery red thing rolling around their neck, huge wings waving but getting them no where really- just short little distances. This turkey was apparently in a crazed panic, that's all I could think. While the others (there were about twenty of them in my backyard) kept their distance and strolled around the yard eating whatever specks they saw on the ground, this bird was slamming himself against the window and going for...what? Did he think if he came into the house that I would offer him a cup of tea and a foot massage? This silly bird's cousin was going to be on our Thanksgiving dinner table in another month or so! So why was he approaching our house and pounding on the window to come in?

The things we do when we're flustered- you don't want to know. We've all been there. If I get upset and panicky, I lose all sense of the ground under my feet. I know all about flapping my wings only to get a few inches further into my panic than I already am. I know all about persistent, frantic action that not only gets me no where but actually takes me into dangerous territory. So when I looked at that wild turkey repetitively pounding himself against the window, I thought, you poor silly thing. Please, God, don't let that be me.

I had actually just quoted this verse to a friend recently, and it suddenly came back to me, "He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm" (Prov 13:20). I had mentioned this verse to my friend when we were discussing how to choose the right advisors, the right financial experts, to listen to. In this crumbling economy, how do you know who really has the right advice? Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Yet there's the sense that we have to do what we can, when we can, to preserve our assets and protect what little we may have. That's why everyone's sense of alarm is up. Some of us are so riled up by panic that we could look crazy and act rashly. I don't want to do that. And Mr. Turkey was kind enough to remind me of that.

I think the Wise are those who do walk, and not race about frantically. The Wise are able to take step by step through dangerous and critical times because they don't carry the weight of the world-or the future of the world- on their shoulders. They walk with Him, the One who holds the future. And anyone who knows Him well can walk steadily when the times get crazy and people start to act like wild turkeys.

Thanks to Mr. Turkey, I have gotten a picture of what I could look like if I "lose" it. I don't want to lose it. I don't want to panic or fear. I want to walk, wisely, and trustingly- even if I have to keep taking a deep breath every step I take.

Vocabulary and Vacation Time Lessons

Okay, so I did want to hole up this morning, like a turtle cloistered in its shell, but I made myself shower and then make the bed. I did it, by faith, and then I was glad.

Next I'll be going over new vocabulary words with Abby, thankfully saying good-bye to last week's words of holocaust, annihilate, recluse, cloister, pandemonium. There's been enough pandemonium, nationally and world wide, to last us for quite a while. But we also had two important vocabulary words that I treasure right now: omnipotence and omnipresent. And even though I don't literally see God everywhere, He is- and He's powerful and capable of taking us through any kind of storm that comes our way.

I've decided to also mentally and pictorially re-visit our vacation time we enjoyed this summer because I think there's more lessons for me to glean. I remember coming home from our week at the North Shore feeling changed; not just refreshed, but literally renewed. I had a new way of looking at things, and a new hope that I was not as lost as I had felt I was.

And now with the way things are in the political and economic world, I need to know, more than ever, that I am not lost, that I am not rising or falling in security and strength according to the world's estimation of how things are. One minute the news tells us that we've passed a bill and things should go well, the next minute the headlines shout out that all is plunging like a roller coaster car falling off its tracks. I could feel very lost right now- if the news, the world markets, the leaders of this world dictate my future. But they don't.

So here I am, ready to go through Abby's lessons for the day, and it seems God has a lesson plan for me as well. According to those wonderful memories of our vacation, He is taking me through the simple steps of seeing something in its reality and acknowledging the application for my life.

God is reminding me of the turtle we fell in love with on our vacation. We picked him up and held him, and he didn't creep back into his shell in fear. He poked his head out and I think he was actually smiling. He must have known that the strong loving hands that held him would never let him fall or crash.

And that's all you have to know, sometimes: that when the world is shaky, God's hands are not. He holds you, firmly, lovingly, and you are therefore more than okay.

Ride it Out

If you feel like you're in a sea of trouble, you just might be. It doesn't ever help for someone to tell you that you're not at risk... when you really are. I haven't even read the headlines this morning nor has the stock market opened and plunged further. But I already know I'm at risk. We all are.

That's why I'm remembering how my daughter Abby tackled the waves on a cold, gray day this past summer vacation- and how my husband and my son and I sat on the beach and watched her. My idea was to stay safe on the beach, dry but not warm, because the wind was fierce and angry that day. Her idea was to go right into the foam and fuss of it all and experience it that way.

I think that's all I can say today. It's another cold, gray fall morning, and I'm remembering that cold, gray summer day at the beach not too long ago. I'm remembering that the beach was almost deserted, that the wind chilled us down to the bones, and that my daughter entered in to the sea and rode the waves and smiled because she was not afraid.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Is. 41:10

Read the Headlines

I wonder if we Americans are really in touch with the raging undercurrent of economic anxiety this nation is feeling. This past week I was dealing with my own situational concerns: a son sick with potential pneumonia based 13 hours away at college, a highly sensitive dog who had to be clipped down to the skin at the Groomers, a home schooled teenage daughter in need of more social interaction and who was just plain tired of me being her teacher- after only three weeks of home schooling.

I was aware of the news headlines, the dire straights that certain banks were in, the predicament that we all are in- but I couldn't do anything about these big, huge economic concerns. My own concerns were in front of me, and I was just trying to figure out what was required of me. What was I supposed to do, and what was I supposed to let God handle?

In the end, I saw my son miraculously recover from what would normally have taken chest x-rays and antibiotics to deal with. I saw my daughter end the school week yesterday with a smile on her face after a jaunt to the local mall with a friend and then an easy supper of pizza and wings where Bill, Abby and I enjoyed what I call our "happy meal" and Harry calls his sad meal- because he doesn't get a scrap of anything. When I say that this dog is delicate, you have no idea. The least bit of a change to his diet, and we all know in a very pungent way that he can't handle the change.

The changes in our nation right now are so upsetting and nauseating to so many that I imagine many have not been able to sleep or eat, much less have a happy meal. Our family already lives at a higher risk level than some families do because my husband is self-employed, we have no pension or retirement fund, and we've journeyed this way for so long now that I am used to the constant underlying pressure of living close to the edge financially. I don't enjoy it nor do I ever welcome it with open arms, but I have fully accepted that this is how we travel, so to speak- a bit like vagabonds living in a comfy suburban world with strange, out-of-this world beliefs that are best expressed in verses from melodies like "God will make a way, where there seems to be no way" and "Jehoval Jireh, My Provider, His Grace is sufficient for me".

But I still feel the tension and the wobbliness of what's going on nationally, economically, politically. There's a great amount of fear in our nation that's trying to go undetected so that the tidal wave of crisis and change doesn't become unnecessarily bigger than what it has to be. I think we want to be brave and stoic but many of us feel vulnerable, at risk more than ever, and shaky- whether we're employed, retired, unemployed, self-employed or just starting out.

I think this might be a good place to be- in touch with reality, in touch with the fact that we've never been so high and mighty that we've eliminated Risk and secured the big Guarantee. We don't want to feel vulnerable, but since when have we not been exposed to situations bigger than our control, mountains seemingly impossible to climb, rough choppy seas that should overwhelm a tiny boat?

This is walking-on-water time. Being in your little boat isn't any safer when you're in the midst of a turbulent, thrashing storm. I think walking on water may just be the thing we were born to do. It may just be exactly what God has called us to do- anytime we are tempted to hold back and hole up. Instead, God says, Hold On...to Me.

Accepting the Ride of Your Life

I didn't think so at first, but I really do have a lot in common with those professional bull riders. I realized that after watching Sunday afternoon's broadcast on T.V. I sat there with my eyes glued to the screen, coughing up a storm due to this terrible cold we've been battling here these last couple days. I felt weak and and like I had been stomped on. But these bull riders don't just feel like they've been stomped on. Many of them actually have been stomped on, beat up, and pulverized by a snortin', whirling bull. And yet they often walk, or limp, out of the arena with a grimace of dignity and hope. Hope- because they're still alive, even if some bones are broken, and dignity, because at least they dared to try to ride a bull.

I'm trying to be daring, myself, lately. Daring and brave about anything that intimidates me or makes me feel like I want to turn back. And I've been holding on to a new principle, lately; and that is that sometimes holding on for dear life is about all you can do. In the bull rider's case they hold on to the rope with a gloved hand and muscles pulsing in their arm like fireworks going off. I have to hold on to God, grasp hold of what and Who He is, at the same time that I accept His plan for my life for the season I'm in. This kind of acceptance is equivalent to sitting on top of a snorting bucking bull and reminding yourself that you chose to get on it. You accepted the challenge.

I've gotten used to the schedule of homeschooling my daughter and answering questions while forgotten, wet laundry mildews in the washer, and more dirty pots and pans get hidden in the oven till I can get to them. If I make it sound like my house is messy, it really is. I just can't get on top of everything and do it all well. The old me got bothered by situations like that.

Now I am accepting what I cannot accomplish. I am accepting where I am, and where I am not. I'm not advancing in measurable things, right now. Success has a whole new meaning for me. Success means contentment, yielding of my will, a relaxing of my high standards for proving that "I am woman, hear me roar". What I am is a bit tired, a bit more apt to say, "let it go" and a bit more quick to smile at the mess I am in. The mess I am in, literally. Bill is wiring something so he tore apart the living room, and Alex's room has been turned into a quasi-office/homeschool room, and my bedroom is as congested as ever (as Bill and I are, physically, also).

This is not how I like things to be. I like order and I like to feel unashamed of my surroundings- as if a neat, orderly home really reflects a true, terrific person. A neat orderly home could, actually, reflect a fanatic and a fiend, I think. So, lets get off the subject of housekeeping and get to the things that affect our heart.

I have been asked to take a route in my life that I didn't think I'd be taking. And this is not just referring to me homeschooling my daughter. There are so many things going on in my life right now that I didn't expect- and so many things that are not going on that I had hoped would be happening. I have been asked, in effect, to ride a scary bull that wants to throw me off. And all that is required of me is to look that situation in the eye- as if staring into the eyes of a bull- and get on that bull as though this is what I normally do.

Because everyday that I follow the path and the plan of God, I wind up going where I do not want to go, only to experience something I'd never dreamed of- the exhilaration of seeing God take me onward and higher. I get to face Fear and say good-bye to Regret and hold on to God for all I've got.