Autumn Aspirations

Because Fall is coming, soon- and you can almost feel it in the air-
I may just start:

-posting recipes for apple crisp and apple pie and apple turnovers

-getting out my boxes of fall/winter clothes and remembering what I have (it's like Christmas 'cause you're pulling things out of the box and exclaiming, "Oh, I love this sweater! I forgot I had it!"

- looking at new recipes for chili

- baking bread, again, daily- and not caring that the kitchen is steaming hot

- making a Christmas shopping list

- getting back to work on my book (it's a novel)

- thanking God that through every season we go through in life, He is there, with us, leading us ... onward.

From One Season to the Next

I'm sporadic in my posting lately, I know. It's just that I've been busy, racing around, involved in a lot of things. Instead of the lazy hazy days of summer, I am experiencing more of a Spring time renewal. Things are growing: like some new relationships I have, possibilities for income, my Meyer Lemon tree sapling my brother Mark gave me, and my appetite (for some reason I want corn on the cob almost every night for supper, and then lots of salty popcorn later on in the evening).

In less than a month, our daughter will celebrate her 15th birthday, my husband will drive our son back to college (a lo-o-o-ng 14+ hr journey) and my husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. I'll probably be playing that song "Celebrate good times" loud and clear.

I'm encouraged by the newly found interest my son, Alex, has in good health- and hoping that we won't have any trips to the emergency room this coming year because of his asthma or bouts with pneumonia. Not if my Dad can help it: he has loaded Alex up with bottles of vitamins and fish oil pills, and I'm sure the bags of nuts, seeds, and dried fruits will be coming next. It's a good feeling when others are aiding you in your pursuit to strengthen your child- even if your pursuit is practically pushing good nutrition down their throat (it's all out of love, trust me).

It's almost mid August, and I'm not sorry at all that summer is coming to an end. It's been a good summer, a healing summer. We never did get to the ocean for our annual vacation. It was tight financially for a while. But it was never tight or thin with lack of love. There's been a lot of joy, togetherness, pizza making, celebrating (even if its just celebrating the little things). It's been a rich summer, golden and bright with hope.

And Fall being the Harvest season, and somewhat visible already, has me feeling very expectant, very alive with hope, and very much glad to be alive.

Oh Happy Day

What I loved about today:

1. Bill and I slept till 9:00am- an absolutely miraculous event. We normally get up every single blessed day at 6am- can't seem to stay asleep past that. But this morning we snoozed and snored past the normal time and we woke up smiling at our achievement.

2. This afternoon our family went on a hike up Prospect Mountain and the views were so amazing that we remembered how tiny we were and how big God was. The sky was blue, the clouds were pierced with brightness, and we were all in a mood to receive and take in all the beauty. So we did. We took it in. We snapped photos everywhere. (I'll try to get them posted this week).

3. We came home hungry and feeling creative. So we did what we do best and made pizza. I got the dough just right. Alex used enough cheese to feed an army of mice. Bill loved the pepperoni I bought for the first time. Abby decorated her pizza as though she was beautifying it for a pageant. We blasted the music, opened the doors to let the breezes in, and we ate and laughed and ate and laughed. Can it get any better than this? I thought.

Hope you had an absolutely memorable day!

Pizza, Polls, and Potential

What a beauty! Yes the picture is a bit blurry, but the taste was superb. The yellow peppers, particularly, were sweet and juicy and mixed well with the sweet onion and olive oil drizzled all over it.

Alex made a calzone that had so many layers of cheese, we estimated the cost for the cheese alone to be over $10! So remember, making homemade pizza is not always cost effective- but who says everything has to be economical?!

Now this post has nothing to do with the deep things of life, and is not about wrestling with fear, or probing the underworld of subconscious thought, or dealing with the intricate issues that come up when you explore what faith is.

This post is simply about the kind of joy that you taste with your mouth. It's about taking time to do things like make homemade pizza and make a mess while you're at it. Staying neat and clean is over rated!

(P.S. Have you taken the poll on the right side column of the blog? Step right up and vote for your favorite pizza topping. Vote now! Not because it's going to cause world peace or create some huge change for good, but simply because its your vote, its your opinion...and it matters!)

Alive and Kicking

What a week! Yesterday was the first day I did not have a doctor's visit scheduled for my son, Alex. This was a scary Asthma attack- the worst he's had in a long time. But the strangest thing about this stressful week was that it was also blissful. Really.

Part of the bliss was that our family was together. Having our son home from college- even if he was very sick and half out of it, at times- was like finding something that I had lost and didn't know I lost. I missed my son this year- terribly. And I didn't know how much I missed him; didn't know how much our home needed him here to make us all feel alive and together and blessed.

So yes- my week was blessed and stressed. But as he got better, day by day, my joy increased. Our laughter rang out. Harry, the couch potato that he is, got even more relaxed. The house got messier. Our schedule revolved around asthma treatments and medicine and cooking the most nutritious meals I could think of. And our home swelled with love.

Now, don't think I'm forgetting how much my son turns me gray! He still likes to push the envelope, stress me out, assert his individuality, stay up late, play his music loud. But you might say I am also going through a new stage in my life, in my faith: I am launching out into the deep, radically choosing right things for me, purposefully carving out a path that I would want to stay on and not just try out temporarily. I'm asserting myself, too- and I might just blast my music loudly!

I've been taking deep breaths and sighing with contentment lately. There's a sense of God's goodness all around me that I am more aware of than I ever have before. And the opportunity to choose Good, choose well and choose wisely, is before me in clear sight. There's a lot of things I have to make decisions about, but I am not feeling that stressed about these choices.

So while my college-aged son may live life loud and messily this summer, he is also going to have a mom who is feeling her youth being renewed, her stamina recharged, her sense of adventure whetted and ignited. Life is for the living. I'm alive and well. And more than that, I'm glad that I am.

Simply Sensational

The dog is clipped, the house is clean, and there's even a warm coffee cake cooling on the counter- a sign that I felt enterprising (and hungry enough) to bake. I came back with a load of groceries this afternoon, and while I was out earlier, I even ran in the parking lot while I was returning my shopping cart to the stall. This elderly gentleman smiled at me and I think I knew what he was thinking- go ahead and run, run while you can. Run while you're strong enough to run.

It's good to feel like a weight is lifted from your shoulders. Today I decided to just enjoy life- and in particular, this day. This is the only day I can claim, right now. And today I have a strong and young enough body to prance across a parking lot and vigorously stir up a thick coffee cake batter. Today is what I tackle and what I enjoy- if I dare to.

So it's a simple Saturday. Hope your Saturday is sensational as well- even if you're not doing sensational things. Sometimes just doing some simple things, and doing them with a light heart, makes all the difference.

The Hardest and Easiest Thing to Do

Mu, my dear friend, says I've gotten a little flabby in my writing here. "Where's all that angst, agony, and anguish? Where's the deep ponderings and philosophical musings you usually share?"
she asked me over lunch the other day.

"I'm happy," I said as I took a big bite of my grilled panini with chicken breast, yellow peppers, and other colorful ingredients that should, right now, be making your mouth water.

"Can't you be happy and still write deep things?" she asked.

I took another bite, thought about it, and said, "Nope. Don't think so."

When you're happy, you're relaxed. And when you're relaxed you do things like note the color of flowers, eat grilled paninis with your mouth overjoyed, wiggle your toes and think about painting them, and marvel about how good it is to be alive.

When you're not happy,...well, that's when you agonize, maybe strategize more intensely or pray more intensely. You wail or you hold back tears or you sit alone and welcome the darkness.

Of course, there is a happy medium between the two. It's just that I'm not sure most of us live in that Happy Medium as a normal routine.

Lately I sense that I'm in the center of God's will- and it's not because I'm giving thousands to charity (I'd like to) or that I've gone on long long prayer walks or that I've fasted for a week, or that I've been so pious and good that I know for sure God thinks highly of me and therefore will favor me. No, it's more because I've been finding out that being in God's will isn't all that hard.

In a nutshell, here's the big things God, I think, wants us to do:

Love, Give, Live, Forgive.

And also Eat, Weep, and Keep... the Faith.

God's will isn't easy- but it's not impossible. It's not for the faint of heart, certainly- but it's not for the heroic, bold, and herculean of us, because really, is anybody all that strong? Is there anybody who is immune from doubt, weakness, fear? We wrestle. We struggle. We overcome.

We eat our evening meal, hopefully with a thankful heart. We weep when we feel broken- or we notice someone who is hurting and broken, and our heart goes out to them. We keep on keeping on. Eat, weep, Keep.

We love- and sometimes have to ask God to help us remember what love is. We give- and hopefully more and more with a willing heart. We live- and if we are graced with powerful acute sense of timing, we remember that LIFE is now, and it's for the living, and it's a gift. And we forgive, over and over- and if it isn't over and over, then we know something needs to change in us. Love, Give, Live, Forgive.

Yes, it's good to be in God's will, and to know that straying from His will is not a good thing. A bit of fear that we'll miss God's will is good. But a bit of joy that we can, most definitely, be in His will, is good also.

So, I'm happy. Hope you are too. My eyes are looking up. My knees might start trembling cause I am only human. But my heart is yearning to be on fire with Faith.

It's good to be alive.

Clam Chowder and Sunshine

We've been on vacation this week. I did not realize how shallow my breathing had become, how frantic and frenzied my pace was, how ready I was to take a week and slow the pace down to the thick slow drip of New England Clam chowder dripping off a spoon. That we've done nothing but read, sit at the beach, eat, play cards, laugh, eat, and read is a testament to the perfection of this vacation. Our family didn't really need a lot of entertainment or roller coaster rides or crowds of people. What we needed was family time, food, fun, and life at the pace of a hot summer day when you feel like your only responsibility is to live and love.

Instead of a phone constantly ringing in the background, I hear my kids cheerfully discussing the choice of ice cream or slushies. Or I should say that Abby, my daughter, is cheerfully discussing the choices and Alex is nodding slightly and without regard for her question because he has his headphones on and a book in his hand. His job, as a kid going off to college in a month, is to accommodate our time together as a family without letting on too much that he is enjoying himself.

I'm so relaxed. You would be too- if you were sitting at the beach and listening to the roar of the ocean, and feeling very small but loved. You see the ocean, hear it roar, wonder at its presence, and then remember that the God who created it is the God who has a plan for your life. You sit at the beach and see all the people, hear them, feel the sun beat down on your skin- and yet you are miles away in thought. You're feeling hope and you're starting to dream bigger. You're letting go of hurts and confusion. There are possibilities, endless possibilities, when you feel refreshed, rejuvenated...and loved.

Celebrating the Victory

There were ups and downs, highs and lows, over the weekend- but there was no rain on Sunday, the day we all gathered to celebrate a milestone in our son's life. The days preceding the party were emotionally charged and there were a couple upsetting incidents that clouded our joy. So on Sunday morning, early in the morning, as I laid in bed and looked at at the cloudy sky, I whispered a pleading prayer, "Please God, please- don't let it rain today. Let it be a sign that everything is not always all uphill."

Now that's a dangerous prayer. First of all, because God doesn't have to stop the rain just to make you feel better. Someone may be praying for rain in the house next door to you, and then what does God do?! Secondly, I was asking out of weariness and frustration- not necessarily out of faith.

But God can handle how and why I ask Him for what I do- and God parted the clouds and allowed the sun to come out. There wasn't a drop of rain. Mu, my best friend, arrived at the party early in the evening and told me it was raining at her house (several miles away)- but it wasn't raining at my house.

People gathered on our deck outside, talking and sipping cold drinks. My son was beaming with happiness at the number of people who kept coming. There were new friends, neighbors, school friends and family members. Old friends of our family arrived early, and looked forward to meeting with my parents. But would my Mom come? She's been battling depression and it has been fierce. But there she was, frail and beautiful, smiling tentatively, walking through my front door with loved ones at her side holding her up.

That's what we do when we fall down- we hopefully get held up by love, by loved ones who come rushing in when the wind goes out of our sails. Or in my case, when the knees grow suddenly weak and you're about to faint. I got sick right int he middle of the party. One minute I was chatting with people, feeling a bit ill, and the next minute I was rushing to the bathroom. Due to the heat and having not eaten all day and the emotional upheaval I had been through prior to the party, I suddenly felt the world swim. I became violently ill and wound up lying in bed. Different people came rushing in to check on me. My younger sister took over and began serving food. A dear friend started washing dishes that had piled up in the sink. My husband went out and chatted with guests after I whispered, "Just say that I'm resting for a minute. I'll be right out."I was weak, but people were strong for me. The party went on.

I thought it was heat exhaustion and nausea due to not eating all day and then drinking a few sips of too-sweet-iced tea. But today, several days after the party, I am still feeling ill. It feels like I have Mono again. I'll go get checked out at the doctor's. It's not that big of a deal.

What was a big deal was the day we celebrated my son's graduation from high school. That day was a challenge and it was wonderful. That day was exhausting and it was exhilarating. That day there were people in and around my house, pulling into the driveway, playing music down in our opened garage, milling around the yard, smiling and feasting on food that disappeared quickly. In fact, I ran out of food. But we never ran out of victory. We never ran out of grace. The skies held back the rain, but God let grace, like rain, fall down and we celebrated the victory of being loved by Him.

Delighted to Know You

I don't just relish the sun and the warmth of a glorious, bright day. I also love dark, gray, rainy days- such as the one today. These are days for pondering and contemplating, for cups of hot tea and a homemade scone if you care to quickly throw the ingredients together (they're surprisingly simple to make).

This Thursday is the last Women's LIFE Workshop for the year. We're concluding our year with the topic of Surrender: "Successful Women Wave a White Flag". I prayerfully picked out these monthly topics almost a year ago, and its so amazing to see how each month I have been seeing the application of each topic for my own life.

The Free Dictionary defines Surrender this way:
sur·ren·der (s-rndr)

1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.

2. To give up in favor of another.

3. To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right.

4. To give up or abandon: surrender all hope.

5. To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.

6. Law To restore (an estate, for example), especially to give up (a lease) before expiration of the term.

Number 4 is one aspect of the word that we think of first: to give up or abandon. It's interesting how the example given for #4 is a rather negative one-to "surrender all hope". We first think of surrender when we think of the losing battle, the one who is about to collapse on the battle field and decides to wave the flag and admit defeat.

From the biblical perspective, it's almost the opposite, I think. When we surrender, we are giving ourselves to the One who ensures our victory, who redeems our life, who enhances our perspective with clarity and insight. We surrender because we TRUST Him- and He is the only One worthy of our complete and total trust.

There's so much more we can say about surrender, but we'll get to that Thursday night. For now, I'm thinking about this quote from My Utmost , April 20th's entry: "And once you do get to the point of total surrender to Him, you will be the most surprised and delighted person on earth."

Now, I love surprises- good surprises, I should say. And the idea that I can and should be so delighted with God, so surrendered to Him that my heart's desires are- of course- only the godly desires I should want, makes me want to get to this state of mind and heart. As Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

That command (that admonishment ) from Psalm 37:4 begins with a wonderful word- delight. And the complex subject of Surrender ends with this description of your state of being when you've surrendered all: that you are the most surprised and delighted of all people. Why? You're surprised because as agonizing as the process of surrender SEEMED to be, it was surprisingly simple- though hard- in laying it all down before Him. And you're delighted because everything about God is fresh and clear in your mind now that you are completely His, now that you're satisfied to be known as His child, redeemed, valued, encouraged, and bright with hope for all He is, and will do, in your life.

The minute we are endeavoring to release, let go, surrender- to God, something surprisingly delightful is about to happen!

Under the Sunlight

Yesterday Mu and I met for breakfast. We tried to not overstay our welcome at the restaurant, and after an hour or so, we took our conversation out into the parking lot. We stood there, talking, letting the sun warm us from the tips of our heads to our toes.

"Now I know why the Druids- was it the Druids?- worshipped the sun. I mean, isn't this sunlight incredible after a long winter?" she said.

I teased her about going pagan on me but I could laugh about this because my friend Mu is very sincere about digging into God's truth, asking good questions, searching for wisdom.

We were feeling light-hearted and happy yesterday. She celebrated the resolution our family had come to: our son, Alex, was going off to the college of his choice, far away, down south- and right where he should be. It all came together. God closed some doors and opened wide this door- and though this college is 13 hours away by car, it is dear to my heart already. When Alex and I visited in January we felt "at home" there, and the Media Communications program there is tops. My son is going to "go for it" and I'm whooping it up and celebrating this open road before him. I'll cry, later, when I miss him. But now it's time to anticipate how good it will be.

In the afternoon, I visited "Mother Joy"- a woman on our Women's LIFE Ministry Team. This lady is an older woman of faith, a bold explorer, a joy and a delight. She is recuperating after a fall. But this woman- though she is ...shall we say "advanced in years"?- is young at heart. I came to visit her and encourage her in her recovery, but she bolstered my spirits, my resolve to be a trooper for the Lord. I won't even list all the things she's been through, and yet she sits there, smiling, proclaiming how good God has been to her. Her joy is evidence that she has experienced the "goodness of God in the land of the living"- because this woman is alive in her faith, her expectation of good. And because she believes that she will receive good from God, she is quick to perceive it.

One of my favorite verses having to do with joy and fruitful living is Psalm 128:2 -
"You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be happy, and it shall be well with you."

Obviously there are seasons in our life that we feel more well than at other times. There are times when we are reaping after years of sowing- such as parents who after 18 years are seeing their child go off to college, full of hope and expectation.

Then there are seasons in our life that we just want to get through. Sometimes I am about to rejoice over a victory and I remember a problem that I have. That's when I admonish myself, "Lauren- you shall be happy, and it shall be well with you." My part in the picture is to fully relish being a child of God who has no doubt that God can work it all out...in His timing...in His perfect plan.

My active faith sometimes requires me to spend time out in the sunshine, relishing the warmth and the joy I feel in that moment, knowing that it's part of God's plan for me to know how good I have it. I have a good God who loves me, is watching over me. I can trust Him. My responsibility is to perceive how His light makes the path before me become clear. I'm not supposed to live in darkness. And every chance I get to experience the sunlight, to lift my face to its warmth in gratitude, I'm supposed to remember the God who thought up the whole idea of light, of a shining sun that warms the earth. I'm supposed to remember that I haven't even begun to understand the warmth and the generosity of His loving heart toward me.

Spring Break

This week is Spring Break and we have had more than Spring-like weather here in New York. Today it felt like the middle of summer. The sun warmed my skin and eased my muscles so that I walked along, with my daughter, as though I was a kid again, carefree, smiling, and free. We spent the afternoon in a picturesque nearby town, ate gelatto, walked miles (it seemed) and came home with a riproaring appetite for tonight's supper of fajitas. My husband and son were thrilled when we laid out all the fixings on the table, and Harry waited hopefully by my feet in case anything was dropped. But nothing came his way. We ate it all.

Monday I am taking my son to visit one more college and then he is making his final decision. Spring is here, summer is on its way, then college starts in late August, and life is changing for us with this momentous event. I will be the mother of a college student- one who will most likely be hours away from home, in a whole new region of this country.

But for today, I still have both my chicks in the nest, my dog sprawled at my feet, my husband near by, and my heart full of gratitude. I feel very rich today. It's as if my eyes were opened wide- and I really saw all the blessings in living color.

Satisfying Solutions

My dog has been to the Groomers and is now looking like a new born lamb, milky white and soft and relieved to be done with the experience. He actually handled it quite well. This was a new groomer I took him to. I felt he deserved a kinder, gentler place- and that's what he got.

At this grooming section of a large pet store franchise, they keep the howling and barking dogs who have been bathed, back in the room away from the clipping station. This way the dogs who are up on the tables, with a suicidal-looking noose around their neck to hold them place, are able to get sheared and clipped within a relatively non stressful environment. The last place I took Harry to was chaotic and loud. I would bring him home from that former grooming salon, and he would flop on the couch and not move for days at a time. He was devastated from the experience. A wreck.

So on Friday I took him to this new place and he came home with a jaunty little handkerchief around his neck, took a long afternoon nap, and rebounded quickly- enough so that he chowed down his evening meal and then looked for the customary popcorn we should have been having with the movie. But there was no popcorn last night. Still, he was happy. I think we'll keep going to this new grooming salon.

The Movie we watched last night- Bill, Abby, Harry and me- was delicious. I mean delightful. It's called No Reservations, and it's about two culinary geniuses in a New York City restaurant. There's romance, there's drama, there's delicious looking food (except for the plates of fish. Who can eat when something is staring at you?!). The movie ended and we went to bed happy and feeling like we had eaten a second round of dinner.

We're expecting a bad storm today. The sky is gray and moody. My kids are still sleeping, and I get a quiet house to work in. Bill is off trying to buy a valve or something like that for one of the toilets that broke. Thank God he can fix literally anything that breaks down in this house. I never fuss when the toilet overflows or the smoking oven sets off the fire alarm or the garage door opener goes wacky and the garage door keeps going up and down. I just call, "Bill!" and Mr. Fix-It comes to my rescue.

Not everything gets fixed that quickly in our lives, I know. But when we do get to experience a quick resolution to something that disturbs us, oh how good it is. Little miracles. Little solutions- such as switching to a new groomer or getting your toilet fixed by someone who knows what they're doing- are like butter on toast. I love to crunch into my peasant bread toasted to perfection, but when the butter drizzles down the side of my mouth, that's when I think, "Oh, this is sooo good."


"When you eat the labor of your hands, you shall be happy, and it shall be well with you." Ps.128:2

Be Still, My Beating Heart!

Masterpiece Classic, March 9 p.m. EST

Emma is not one of my favorites of all the Jane Austen books. The character, herself, is privileged and protected. She is also so unaware of her lack of wisdom and discernment. That's just my take on the story. The funny part about this story is the matchmaking gone awry. I've attempted to play matchmaker a couple times in my life, too. (And oh, what a mess I made!).

I think a lot of women enjoy seeing a match made, and feeling like they had part in something good happening. I'm not sure men get into this, though. (Any male readers, please comment!) I don't know if men understand or think about the mystery behind two souls being drawn to each other. For women, it seems like we need to hear the story over and over- the story of love prevailing, love making a way, love conquering all.

I've gone through periods where I read intensely all kinds of non fiction: how-to's, devotionals, memoirs, and biographies. Then I'll go through a period where I need some fiction: I need a story to take me away from it all. I need a light hearted romance where I can laugh at the character's silliness or their stumbling and bumbling around. Then there are also the stories that touch my soul, are deeply moving, sad and profound. These stories remind me to allow myself to feel pain, embrace the experiences I am going though, and keep moving on into fresh new ideas and hope and dreams.

All this to say, ( I feel like a kid about to tell you my wonderful new secret)-I'm heading over to our local Library's Used Book Sale today. $1.00 for hardcovers, .50 for paperbacks. That's a whole lot of joyous feasting for my soul. I'm going to walk out of there laden with books, my shoulders aching from hauling off my bounty, my soul reveling in the new ideas and stories that await me when I open the cover of the next book I read.

Austen Mania Explained

Masterpiece Classic, February 10, 17, & 23 at 9 p.m. EST

I only watched part of Masterpiece Theatre's Pride and Prejudice last night. I've seen this movie so many times I can repeat the lines from several scenes, word for word. Next to Persuasion and Sense and Sensibility, this movie is one of my favorites.

Whether you're into Jane Austen's books and regency romances or not, you should notice that there's a bit of mania going on lately about this world of quiet romance, bucolic countryside, and grand houses filled with people dining or dancing. I've read a couple of Austen-like novels recently. And I think there'll be more coming- more books and movies and maybe even T shirts that read "Austen Addict" or "Give me Mr. Darcy or I'll Die!".

I'm not saying that I'm an Austen Addict, but I can see why people are flocking to these books and these movies, eager to escape this world we are in. In our world, houses are not filled with beautiful sculptures and long dining room tables with the help waiting to serve you your tea. In our world, we don't have men in white ruffled shirts who know how to politely converse with a woman, watching their language and their tone of voice lest some damsel feel distraught.

Yes, there were a lot of horrific things happening in the days of Jane Austen, but those were not highlighted in her books. Instead, we see scenes of lively conversations and strolls through the vast fields behind grand houses. We feel the love that is expressed between a certain two who are aware of something between them. We get to be enveloped in a beautiful world where it is quiet, at times, and slower paced.

Maybe,more than anything, it's this quieter life that we long for. Whispered conversations while sitting on a bench, chatting with a friend while walking arm in arm, sipping tea with a loved one and not having to rush off to our next appointment.

As it is, it's supper time and there is no hired help, so off I must go to make the meal. Harry is barking loudly, outside, wanting to come in. I have to do several loads of laundry. And I promised I would make a banana bread for Bill and the kids. So no more musing here about Jane Austen's blissful world.

Besides, true bliss is having your future secured, your past forgiven, your today covered with His overflowing grace. I'm sure that the Lord is the One I should turn to- not Jane Austen- to get what my heart is longing for.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul..." Psalm 23:2,3

Love Lifted Me

I love the feeling of pleasant exhaustion as opposed to that feeling of fatigue and despair when you gave your all and it wasn't enough. It was enough, all my efforts and my endeavors to make Christmas Day special and full of hope. I've never been more proud of my extended family. It wasn't just good behavior I saw yesterday-it was grace and freedom and love.

After opening our gifts to each other early in the morning, the four of us sat down to a pancake breakfast with bacon and sausage, orange juice and coffee made with the Dunkin Donuts blend my daughter bought for her Dad. Then it was countdown to 1:30pm when my parents and my brother Mark would arrive for dinner. I rubbed the roast with salt and pepper and fresh thyme and let it sit on the counter. Then I went on to do the apple pie.

This pie had to come out reasonably well. I have not been doing that well in the baking department, lately. You see, I overcooked the bread pudding I made for my father-in-law and the saint that he is, he ate it with such a smile of delight that he could have almost fooled me. But since I kept a small bread pudding at home (I had made three), when I got home from leaving him the bread pudding, I took a bite of the one I had and thought, "Oh, that suffering saint. This bread pudding is dry." I thought of our old neighbor, from years ago, who would always say "I'm dry as a deuce."

But the apple pie came out well, the roast smelled wonderful in the oven, and when my parents and brother arrived with the squash puree (from their organic garden), the table was all set and ready. The Christmas Dinner was about to begin. But not before we said grace, and then popped open our Christmas Crackers- a new English tradition I've started. Inside every cracker is a little toy, a paper crown, and a joke. Dad and Mom looked dignified in their paper crowns, while my brother Mark and my husband clowned around. Alex had his camera on the tripod and was capturing memories for us to feast on later.

Abby's favorite part was eating the cheesecake and apple pie, later on in the day; but only after we played a round of Survival- a game which asks questions about what you would do in a wilderness or survival situation. We played in teams: Mark and Abby, Alex with Nana and Papa, and Bill and I. I surprised everyone by knowing the correct thing to do the first three rounds we played. Some of the questions were hysterical- like how to remove skin caught in a zipper (ouch!) and how to make soap out in a wilderness setting. Other questions related to avoiding shark attacks or avoiding bears. Usually my father answers every question perfectly. That man has the sharpest mind and the most interesting outlook on things.

As Mom, Dad, and Mark were getting ready to leave later,Mark helped my Mom on with her coat, trying to hold her steady. She is unsteady on her feet, frail, but vigorous with joy when she is feeling well. Mark let go of her for one minute and we all watched as in slow motion she started to fall backwards. I scrambled to catch her, but she fell down slowly, onto her bottom, on the carpeted floor. Since she did not fall from too high a starting point, and she almost eased into the fall, she was not hurt.

With relief, we gathered around her to help her up, but we couldn't get her up without her slippered feet sliding across the carpet. My husband said, "I've got her," stepped behind her, and lifted her to her feet , in one swoop, as if she was ten pounds. My mother looked like a giddy school girl rescued by the football player, beaming and a little pink in the face from the quickness of it all.

"Love lifted me" was all I could think of. Do you know that beautiful hymn?

Love lifted me! Love lifted me!
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me!

Everyone takes a tumble now and then. But not everyone is ready to accept help in getting up. "Love does not parade itself, is not puffed up" says 1 Corinthians 13:4b. You can't be puffed up and arrogant when you've taken a fall and need help. But you can be the recipient of an exhilarating ride upwards to "on your feet" again.

Dad commented on Bill's big back and how he has grown more powerful with all the construction work he has been doing. We were all glad that Bill's muscular arms had come in handy. My husband has remodeled houses, swinging a hammer, lifting sheet rock, carrying loads of lumber. He has physically labored in turning a house into a beautiful home. But on Christmas Day, this time, his strong arms had been used for the work of love, lifting someone up, literally. We saw love in motion, swooping in at a person's lowest moment, lifting up that loved one to standing.

Then we all stood together, laughing and talking while we hugged good bye. Our Christmas celebration ended on a good note, everyone on their feet, standing tall,... feeling loved.

All Clear

photo by Alexander Caldwell

I would think that this post should be a proper Thanksgiving message where I admonish myself (and anyone who cares to listen) that we should be thankful, thankful, thankful. But I'm pretty sure everyone has gotten the message to be just that, already. Be ye thankful.

Some families have that mandatory "sharing time" when you go around the dining room table with each one sharing, in turn, why they are thankful. In some Christian homes it can get very intense or competitive, statistical or laden with Scripture, or lengthy as Uncle Egbert shares the very detailed history of Thanksgiving. By the time it gets to you, you wonder what to say.

It's your turn and you want to share how you're thankful and really, more relieved than than thankful if you're honest- for all that God has done in your life. You want to communicate how you're just starting to "see" how He loves you, how it's all becoming so clear to you now. You could quote verses pointing to this new found freedom and grace. But instead you simply say:

"I'm just so thankful that it's all clear...as I look up."

It's About Time

I dreamt last night that I returned to college, and went back to living in a dorm. I didn't even get to pick my roommates. I felt surprised by this "reversal of fortune" I was experiencing. When I woke up, I told my husband about my dream and questioned out loud what it meant. Weird dream.

The house is quiet now and I can think about it. Bill is off to work, my son is at school, my daughter is sleeping after coming home from school, sick, yesterday. It's a dark, gray rainy morning- more somber looking than yesterday, but I know this day is filled with potential. I felt tempted to be agitated in spirit over several upcoming events, and then I let that burden go. Just let it go, with a smile. Happy people do not worry about things. If you keep things simple- what is my job today, and what is God's?- you decide you really can do your small little part.

"God is more glorified by a man who uses the good things of this life in simplicity and with gratitude than by the nervous asceticism of someone who is agitated about every detail of his self-denial," Thomas Merton wrote.

Getting agitated is easy to do. Sticking to the simple plan of living in grace is rather hard to do- unless you just decide to accept the grace, simply and thankfully. Why get agitated if the choice before you is a clear one: agitation, because you think "it's all up to me" or happiness, because you think "God can handle this."

Which leads me to my dream. I didn't have to return to the past. That's my conclusion of the matter. I don't have to go back to college. I don't have to live in a dorm of college girls who are nice, mean, competitive, striving, lost, happy and raging with confusion. I did that. I was one of those girls. Didn't mean to be so messed up and confused, but frankly, you don't have much choice when you're 19 or 20.

But now, I'm ...(not going to tell you my age, for one thing) ...mature. Wise enough to be careful that I don't self sabotage. Stable enough to admit I'm only "safe" if I'm centered on His grace while my thinking gets solidified in and on His promises. I'm so glad to be where I am, now- and I'm not going back to those college days of excitement and confusion. I've got something better.

A sober expectation of good- not a giddy one, that's what I have. It's based on hindsight and on perspective. I "see" all around me. Yes, something good is on the horizon. I'm getting adept at delighting in happy moments. I am willing to be blessed, if you want to use a more spiritual term. Or to put it plainly,

I think I could handle being happy. And I think I hear God say, it's about time.

To Sum It All Up

On this gray, windy morning, I feel a bit like a flat pancake. Not because of the weather. Just my human condition flaring up again. While I found out yesterday I won a little blogging award relating to communicating truth, today I found out I have to make amends for a miscommunication of mine. Someone misunderstood my "tone of voice" in an email I sent. (A word of advice: I guess those smileys come in handy and I should use them more often. If I focus on communicating complex administrative details in an email, I can't be too much to the point- I've got to interject warmth and sweetness into the tone of the email, somehow). And there are other areas where I feel I have stumbled around. So I let God know this morning how frustrated I am that I can't carry out the good I want to do without botching things up all the time.

My Quiet Times with God, in the morning, are not usually quiet. I talk, out loud, to the Lord, as well as scribble furiously in my journal. I felt relieved to know that no matter what I said to God this morning, He understood my meaning. He can handle me, how I say things, and get the gist of it all, perfectly well. There was no miscommunication.

Though I feel a bit like clay this morning, I also sense the sweetness of the grace of God. How? Well, lately God is talking to me as if I was a little child and couldn't handle too many big words. (King Solomon rightly answered God when he said he was just a little child and didn't know how to go out or come in).

God is condensing the big truths into manageable nuggets for me. I'm not doing any long word searches throughout Scripture or intense studying, lately. It seems God wants me to just dial down a bit. I've just been listening and sensing the loving correction of God coming to me in a couple words, a couple phrases.

When I heard these little phrases over and over, I realized they are the same gentle but challenging instructions I have for my own kids, if I had summed it all up- which I forget to do.

Be well.
Stay warm.
Do Good.
Be happy.
Come home.

Be well. Don't fall into confusion or despair over your own failings or over the dark meanness in the world. Ask God for forgiveness as soon as you know you erred. Be real about what you did wrong, and about how God lavishly forgives and restores you. Be well in spirit, clear in your mind, alive with hope. (3 Jn 1:2)

Stay warm. No one should ever be alone in the world, and no baby should go uncovered at night. It's God's will that our heart not grow cold. That no one cry alone in the dark without the warmth of someone's arm about their shoulder- and if no person can be there, then may the Almighty Arm of God be felt around you.(1 Thess 2:7 talks about the gentleness we should have, like that of a nursing mother who keeps her baby "warm" or cherished.) Receive and share the comforting blanket of God's love.

Do Good. The good you know to do, do it. The good you're trying to do and botch up, well, God knows what you were aiming for. If God prods you or provokes you to do keep doing the good things, thank Him for it- even if you don't like His methods. Keep going.

Be Happy. It'll be a sign to the world that God reigns. Be happy and be joyful. Smile- by faith. And when life is hard and catastrophe strikes, hold onto the hope of how God will create something better than happiness in your heart- its called assurance that nothing can separate you from God's love. Nothing can destroy your eternal hope and destiny.

And then when all is said and done, I know this is what I long for at the end of the day- that my kids come home. Whether they walk in the door recounting their successes and their triumphs, or whether they come home sharing their pain, I want them with me. God feels the same way. He's the author of the Nesting Syndrome. He's the Eagle hovering over His nest of kids, jealous that none think they will find a better parent elsewhere. Cause you won't. He's the Loving Father. He's more protective than a nursing mother. He'll keep you warm. Eternally.

I hope no one misunderstands me here. But if you do, I hope, at least, that you don't misunderstand God's love and His plan for you. Maybe Scriptures have been hard to understand. Maybe you just started to read the Bible and its a bit much to get through. Maybe you've read the Bible for fifty years and you know so much but need to remember the little phrases of truth that you can cling to, like:

Be well.
Stay warm.
Do Good.
Be happy.
And always,always,no matter where you went wrong, or even if it's at your last hour-
.....Come Home.

Fare Well

Farewell my friends. No, don't worry. I'm not ending my blog or going away on a long trip. I'm just going out into the world today, and so are you. It's a bit rough out there. I hope today is good for you. So I'm wishing you well today. I'm taking my cue from the apostle Paul who wrote, in conclusion of his letter,

"Finally, brethern, farewell. Become complete. Be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you." 2 Cor. 13:11

Farewell. May it go well with you. My son would particularly enjoy it if I reduced all my love and my instructions for him, into one little phrase, such as fare well. It would save him a headache, and me a lot of verbal rehearsing of what is going on for the day- our family's schedule- only to have him tell me at the end of the day, "I don't remember you saying that." Men.

This morning everyone left, fairly on target for the day, equipped with lunches, sports uniforms, cell phones, homework, and oral instructions as to who was finishing work or practise at what time and who would be getting picked up by whom and where. Once everyone leaves, then it's just Harry, our dog, and me, the hum of my computer, the sound of the washing machine going, and during this week, the fans on in the basement because we had a tiny leak again and the carpets got soaked. Bill is drying it all out again, found the leak, repaired it, and is on top of it all. I'm so thankful for a husband who is my 24 hour a day handyman as well. There isn't anything he can't fix, I don't think. I'm a happy woman.

I'm at peace. I'm looking forward. I have a hazy, distant memory of past mistakes and problems. (Some things you should not try to remember so distinctly- let them be a dull memory). I have an expectation of good, and that's healthy.

But it's also a bit dangerous. It's like you have a target on you when you're happy or when you're experiencing a bit of success. There's a running undercurrent of competition, jealousy, and ego that is a mainstay in much of our world- in so many areas. It's so rare to have someone root for you. Maybe they'll kindly cheer you on if you're stumbling around and looking haggard. But if you're doing well, if you're taking on a bigger challenge and smiling as you do so, will you find those champions of your dreams out there? Is there anyone "big" enough in heart and joy who will cheer you on- even when you're already doing well? Some don't like it when things go too well for you.

My husband, Bill, met a guy, once, when he was working on a remodeling project in a nearby town. Bill started talking with this guy- a large man of italian descent- because he seemed so genuinely interested in my husband's plans. My husband was sharing how he had just completed a small subdivision of land. We owned a couple building lots, at that time. It was a first, for us. We were attempting to progress in our Real Estate investing. We had to- because this is how we were trying to make a living, after having left the pastoral ministry.

Bill shared what he was hoping to do next. This guy looked at my husband in the eyes, smiled, and said, "Good for you!!" Bill felt so touched that this man wished him well, cheered him on, congratulated him on his bit of success. My husband came home and told me about what this man had said to him, and how he said it. My husband said, "I want to be like him.I want to make sure we always do that with other people- because we know how hard it is to go after your dreams."

This man could have knocked my husband down a few notches and said, "Well don't be so sure you know what you're doing." Or he could have rehearsed how hard life is and how we don't get to always live out our dreams. He was an older man, after all, and he could have used that against my husband. But he didn't. Instead he was glad that my husband had fared well, had accomplished something, had a fighter spirit left within him.

My husband and I can hear his "Good for you!!" still. It rings out when things seem against us. It springs up in our memory when someone has been unkind or hostile to our hopes and dreams. It cheers our soul. And I smile just remembering that day when three little words made my husband feel like a man who could conquer a mountain- or at least like a man who had a friend who wished him well if he tried to do so.

Fare well, today, my friend. I mean that. And if you're already doing well, then I hope it gets even better for you today. And if you land that job, get that raise, get invited to tour, receive a promotion, go out on that long awaited date, get your art in a show, get hugged by a child who says you're the best mom in the world-

then I hope you hear me calling this out to you today: GOOD FOR YOU!!

That about says it all.