If You're Angry and You Know It

Yesterday was a rough day. Ask Harry. I yelled at him for hovering around my feet as I went in and out of the sliding door to the deck in order to grill the chicken for dinner. Of course he was hovering--he's a dog, and loves grilled meat. Any kind of meat, really. Heck, he'll even munch on paper and tissues out of the garbage, if we don't empty the wastepaper cans right away.

I don't normally yell at him. Then again, Safety Bill doesn't normally snap at me when he comes home from work. He's normally very slow to get angry and long on the patience and love. And then our daughter was acting like a belligerent teenager yesterday, and got her feathers easily ruffled when normally she's very mature and sweet with me. She's 17, and we still haven't hit a stage where I wish she would go off to college and mature.  I don't want her to ever leave home. But yesterday I could actually envision it.Yesterday I wanted everyone to leave home, the dog included, and leave me alone.

Pressure. Frustration. Disappointment. Anger.Oh, I felt all these things yesterday. There was a lot going on under the surface too. Everyone is dealing with challenges and decisions to make. Each one of us is facing important decisions that have to be made. And we've all been praying. A lot, really. We've all been seeking God, seeking His will, trying to step out in faith, trying please Him with our actions of faith.


But remember, if you're stepping out in faith, then you're stepping out of your comfort zone. And there's only so long that you can deal with being out of your comfort zone before you realize you are, and you freak out a bit. Sometimes we've been trying so hard to please God, and going that extra mile, and then we hit a wall--it's a wall that we know God could have easily removed for us. We feel almost slighted by God. It's like we're a child that gets up early to surprise their parent by cleaning up the kitchen, and the parent walks out into the sparkling clean kitchen and....merely nods. Doesn't say a word. Oh, it's a pleasant nod of acknowledgement, but we were expecting so much more than that!

Well, I'm that child. And I felt close to a throwing a tantrum yesterday. I was frustrated. Bewildered, a bit.
 How much more could I show God that I was trying to change and grow in Him? I felt dejected. Angry, really. I didn't want to be angry with God. It's not a good feeling. Most people aren't even sure that you can be angry with God. 

But every healthy relationship includes an honest sharing of emotions and feelings and thoughts, one to the other.Actually the healthiest of relationships have a "safe zone" where each person can share their feelings without fear. With "safe" people, we can afford to let our anger out. We can risk being vulnerable. We can say, "I feel so angry with you right now."

Of course, there are healthy ways of expressing anger, and then there are dysfunctional, abusive ways of dealing with anger. Let's be clear on that. Let your anger out--but don't shoot it out. Don't shoot it out like an arrow with a poisonous tip!

"BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger," Ephesians 4: 26 tells us.
Would somebody care to explain how that's done, I always used to think the minute I'd read that verse. Because I don't know about you, but I don't know many people who know how to be angry and yet not sin. Getting angry, and not sinning, is like getting on and staying on a balancing beam that's a 1/4" wide-- would you know how to stay on perfectly and not fall off??

I really don't think, though, that God would tell us something that's impossible to do. I wonder if we've misunderstood what the sin is, in anger, and what's acceptable, when angry.

Anger builds up the more we've felt slighted, frustrated, misused, ignored, hurt.....The point is, that Anger builds up. And maybe we shouldn't let it. Maybe we should learn to quickly acknowledge the first sign of it and admit it, right away. Of course some of us are more prone to getting angry at the first sign of anything, and some of us have to be prodded to express our feelings. You know which one you are.

Here's the GOOD NEWS: God is the very first person you can safely go to, when angry. In fact, He is the best one to go to when angry so that your anger doesn't grow volcanic and explosive and out of control. Because, you see, you can tell God what you're feeling and you can talk it out with Him. Even if HE is the One you feel angry with, tell Him what you're feeling.

But here's a warning that you need to be aware of when you feel angry with Him: Don't curse God, or accuse God, when you're angry. Just tell Him how the situation looks to you, how it feels to you--don't malign Him, though, and attribute evil motive to Him. Be very careful with what you indirectly are saying.

That's what Job understood. That's how Job prevailed through one of the worst trials a person can go through. Job experienced an unexpected series of losses, when he'd been living right with God, and he didn't understand why. In fact, Job had been going out of his way to show God that he respected His ways. He even made sacrifices to God on behalf of his partying children who apparently didn't worry about living right with God like their father, Job, did.

And when faced with unexpected, horrific tragedy that Job didn't see coming, he still refused to accuse God of evil motive. "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing."(Job 1:22)

Oh, Job was hurting! He was frustrated and angry. He was in shock, almost, astounded at what God had apparently allowed, or caused, to happen to him. You see he didn't know what God had in mind or why this had happened but he knew one thing, for sure: that though it looked like God was out to kill him, Job would still trust God's motive and plan for him.(Job 13:15)

Can you do that? You can if you have really come to know God, know His heart, know what He was willing to do in order that you could be made right with Him. You see, if you truly understand that God loves you with a sacrificial love, a merciful love, a love that says "Come unto Me all ye that labor and I will give you rest," then you would never accuse God, or curse Him, or charge Him with wrong doing.

Instead, you would say,

"God, I don't understand!"
"Lord, it feels like you're ignoring my prayers"
"God, I feel so angry!"
"Lord, it looks like You are not with me!"
                              and God would say, "I can see why you say that. Tell me more. Let's talk about it."

We will not always get a Birdseye view of what's going on, or why God is allowing something in our life. We will not always get a clear answer from Him, even after hours of tears and prayer and journaling and petitioning and sharing of our feelings. What will we get is the knowledge that He hears us--and cares. "I love the LORD because he hears my voice, my pleas for mercy," the psalmist writes. He bends down, and listens to us. He's willing to hear your heart. He wants to answer you. And He is... answering you.

Job kept his trust in the Lord, even though it looked like he had no reason to. It almost looked like God was out to get Job, that's how bad the situation was. Why trust someone who's out to hurt you? Can you trust someone who doesn't have your wholeness and well-being in mind? Exactly.

You see, the reason why Job did trust God is that he leaned on something more than circumstantial evidence: he knew the motive of God's heart. He knew the God of Covenantal Promise, the God who would send a Savior to earth that we might have life, and have it more abundantly. That's God's motive.That's His heart. That's why He's trustworthy. That, and so much more. He's the number One most Trustworthy Being I know.

Now go back to your anger. Wait, you're not feeling so angry and frustrated? Yeah, me neither. Do you now have a bit of quiet hope that your situation is not shrouded in retributive punishment--but in grace? Do you see, now, how God desires to turn your situation around, to turn your mourning into dancing? To turn your anger and frustration into chortles of delighted laughter at how big He is, how much He loves you, and how NOTHING will ever stop Him from being the God of the Universe, your Heavenly Father, the One who truly cares...for you.

The Invisible Ceiling Above You

It all depends on your perspective- but there could be a ceiling of limitation above you, whether you see one there or not. According to Wikipedia, "A ceiling is an overhead interior surface that covers the upper limit of a room. It is generally not a structural element, but a finished surface concealing the underside of the floor or roof structure above"(italics mine).

You may not see this ceiling but it could be there: it's the limitations that you, or others, put on you. Try to break through that invisible ceiling and you'll see what I mean, because you'll sense resistance and pressure and limitation. Perhaps, in your family, no one has ever gone beyond a high school diploma. Or maybe you're facing a career change and it doesn't make sense to those who know you, but deep down inside, you're yearning to break through that barrier that says you don't deserve to be that fulfilled in a job. Maybe there's a ceiling on your finances or a blockage in your ability to do that one thing you know you need to do- and it's scaring you.

Of course there may be some people who don't feel like they have any limitations on their lives and maybe some are exploding through their limitations even as I write this. But chances are, if you're reading this, you might have an invisible ceiling above you, and you're realizing it now.

Let me help you get this negative covering off you. It's not really a structural element anyhow. It conceals things more than it supports things. We have dear friends who have entertained royally for months, maybe years, with a big gaping hole in their kitchen ceiling. We sip our coffee, standing underneath the exposed beams. We love their gutsy, loving hospitality that says they don't have to have a pristine perfect kitchen before they can invite people in.

Take a deep breath and ask yourself what, exactly, is your ceiling made of? What's blocking your view of God's resources, His available help? Why does it seem like problems are so big and God's promises, well, don't seem bigger? It's your ceiling. It's that limited faith: you want to believe, you try to believe, b ut you just can't believe big enough, sometimes.

Jesus addressed the issue of our limited faith in Matthew 17: 20 and said, "For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” He didn't say it won't seem impossible, just that it won't be impossible.

Ah, you have seen your invisible ceiling when you address the word seem. What things seem to be are, many times, imposing, impossible, impenetrable. When things seem overwhelming, you're hitting your head against that ceiling of limited faith or constricted faith. Yes, you can start with a mustard seed of faith, but you won't get too far in your journey of doing great exploits if it only stays the size of that seed. Start with a mustard seed of faith, yes; but LET that mustard seed GROW, because when it does, the mustard seed explodes into a plant incredibly huge in proportion to its size at the beginning. I would venture to say that the mustard seed explodes through its ceiling of limitations.

And you know what's on the other side of the ceiling of man's limitation? Heaven's floor. Remember, the ceiling conceals the underside of the floor above you. If your mustard seed of faith is growing, you'll start to hit the ceiling of resistance and then go through. You'll go from the constraints of this earthly life to the principles of the kingdom of heaven. You'll discover more and more that what things seem to be are inconsequential compared to the truth of what Jesus says they will not be: they won't be impossible.

So speak to your ceiling. It's probably yellowed with age and cracked, anyhow. It's not serving a good purpose. And when you walk around with an invisible ceiling above you, you really can't see the forest for the trees. Or I should say, you can't see heaven above you. But if you pull down the rest of the crumbling plaster above you, pull down those strongholds of resistance to new things and resistance to new journeys, you'll see God's arms opened wide, and the smile on His face. They've been there all along.

Have You Got the Time?

My timing has been a bit off here at Faith Fuel--I've been writing sporadically and posting from time to time but not with any degree of regularity. Getting the timing right on something is always a bit of a challenge, isn't it?

I love how the Psalmist writes, "My times are in your hands" (Psalm 31:15). He's referring to the seasons of opportunity and the timing of certain events being directly in God's powerful hands. It's a good thing that divine timing is not left up to me, I can't even get human timing right!

The thing is, if our seasons and windows of opportunity are in God's hands, then chances are (timing, again) that we're going to be in the dark about things until they're made clear. And most people who are "in the dark" feel somewhat afraid, a bit tenuous about their sense of security.

For example, I'm in the dark as to when I'll hear from my college-aged son, what exactly he is doing down south, what he is up to. I'll get a text message from him from time to time, but I basically don't know what he is doing, if he's getting to classes, sleeping at all, or remembering that college is about getting an education and not about having an extended vacation. He's a creative, wild type, my son; prone to taking a hair-raising adventure like Mr. Toad in the Wind in the Willows. It's best if I am kept in the dark about what he's up to because my heart rate might accelerate out of control if I know all the things going on in his life.

But maybe there's a correlation with how God works as well: I don't think I could handle knowing everything that is coming my way, or what "adventure" God is lining up for me to experience next. I thought I wanted to know more about what God is doing in the dark so that I can take a more definitive stance to what I am doing in the light. But God does not play fair--mainly because He doesn't play with our lives and He has a different standard for what fair is.

If I cast my bread upon the waters, as it says in Ecclesiastes, I may have to wait days, weeks, months, years before I see what happens. A better way to understand this verse and see that it doesn't have to do with soggy bread but Timing, instead, is to read the verse in the New Living Translation: "Send your grain across the seas, and in time, profits will flow back to you." So you're really casting your ships on the water, over tumultuous seas, where they sail out until you can't see them anymore. They've disappeared into the horizon. You don't know when they'll return, and if they'll return full or empty.

My Dad didn't want me to major in English, back when I was in College, because he couldn't see that there would be a very good return for me career-wise. Where do English majors wind up? In various and sundry places, I can tell you that from experience. I completely understand, now, why he wanted to guide me into calmer waters where smooth sailing--at least career-wise--was a bit more possible.

There have been a number of ventures and adventures that I've taken over the years and when I look back, I can see where I would have taken a different turn or where I would have changed course, depending on what I saw coming my way, at that time. But all my seasons of life are woven together, working together for good; they're held in God's hands and He has promised to make sense of them all.

And after recently having a pivotal birthday, I'm obviously wondering if I've got the time, still, to make my life count, make my mistakes count even. Mistakes go hand in hand with risk. And risk is an ingredient in Faith. And without Faith, it's impossible to please God, says Hebrews; because God is looking for people who send out their ships on the waters and release them to the wind and to the chance of storms and danger. There's a chance an endeavor you've gotten involved in may start to go south. There's a chance that you can't quite reach that goal that you've set for yourself. But there's one thing I'm sure of: you've got the time, still, to reach out and go for the impossible. It's still the opportune season for taking a faith adventure because it is always God's will to press onward, press toward Him, and reach for something that would take His power, in you and on you, to do.

Don't stand too long looking at your ship sailing into the purple strirated horizon and wondering how long it will take till you see a return. It's probably a better usage of our twenty-four hour time to pour ourselves into the work at hand and leave the timing of it all, the outcome of it all, in God's hands where mysteries lay concealed... until the opportune time.

When You're Unclear ........................... about Faith, Doubt, Fear

On a more serious note (well, certainly more serious than how to avoid baking disasters - see last post) I never realized how many forms of unbelief were out there. And not just "out there" but in me as well. Seeds of doubt and seeds of faith have been germinating deep inside me and now I'm paying the price for this ruinous combination.

You just can't go forward in life- when you're taking steps backwards at the same time. Without realizing it, I have been participating in a dance where confident belief takes the first step, doubt and hesitation take the next, reproach for my unbelief takes another forward step, and then downright skeptical and harsh unbelief go next. This is an ugly dance. (What can I say? Not since my disco days have I been noted for any grace on the dance floor.But back in the late '70s and early '80's, I was quite the thing, whirling around on the dance floor and feeling alive while I dance to "Staying Alive").

It isn't just making a decision about my daughter's place of schooling that has got me in a tizzy, but add to that employment and financial decisions, not to mention our house on the market and whether we should "push" harder to get it sold, and I've got a number of decisions to make. My husband and I, together, have these joint decisions, and then we each, separately, have our individual career paths to consider.

So I've been praying. Slightly pleading. And proclaiming a lot of God's promises. And then perjuring myself when I doubt and reconsider whether God is really on my side. Oh, I know He loves me and all that, but sometimes there's something in me that suspects God's love is a tortuous type that majors in trials and minors in grace.

I've been studying these words, trying to get to the root of them: Faith, Doubt, Unbelief. I never knew there were so many ways one could disbelieve God- but there are. You can downright refuse to believe, or you can start out believing and then waver in unbelief, or you can believe God and then reconsider whether you were right to believe a certain thing, or you can reconsider and suspect that God is after something else in you.

The more introverted type- such as I am- tend to do a lot of inner thinking that surges and rises and torments, and nobody knows that you are exhausting yourself to death in trying to figure out what to do, what to believe, what decision means you are operating in Faith.

There are at least four words, in the New Testament, that have to do with the word doubt or unbelief- but that have distinct definitions. You can't just tell someone not to doubt without explaining what Doubt looks like, and what Faith would mean in their situation.

There's lack of faith or being uncertain in faith- before you make a decision. Then there's a type of unbelief that has to do with lacking confidence in God's will to help you, or His ability to help you. Then there's skepticism- which causes you to reconsider your faith , your prayers that you sent up with smoke signals and lots of pleading. And then, of course, there's the worst kind of unbelief which is the obstinate refusal to believe God, a superior type of thinking that mocks God's abilities when compared to your own.

I imagine there's countless ways to believe and to disbelieve God. But at the root of our expressed faith or unbelief are the reasons why we will, won't, choose to, can't, wish we could, BELIEVE GOD. Everyone has a unique set of circumstance, personal history, mounting inner conflicts, and reasons why they are where they are- when it comes to walking in faith and moving mountains by faith.

Here's where I encourage myself. It seems God deals more stringently with those who refuse to believe or are skeptical to believe. (Repentance is the prescribed cure for these nasty expressions of arrogance or bitterness). Then there's God's gentle wooing ways with those who are confused (and we do a great job of confusing ourselves), and with those who are vacillating- like Peter who confidently stepped out of the boat, in faith, and began walking on water and THEN realized he wasn't a water-walker by birth. Faith rises up and tells us we can be more than what we were- and Doubt reminds us that what we were was, at least, safe.

So what I am now doing is every time I am battling doubt, fear, unbelief, as I try to make some big decisions, I question what is at the root of it all. Is it an issue of what I can do, or an issue of my estimation of God's ability and His will or intention towards me? Am I dragging my feet when it comes to trusting Him or am I refusing to trust? Cause where I fall and stagger, He is merciful. But where I stand and fold my arms across my chest in stubborn refusal to believe or even try, He is not pleased. He is not running towards me- because I am not running towards Him.

So never mind the actual decisions I need to make. I gotta get down to the nitty gritty root of my decision-making system. It beeps a red alert when Doubt rises and Skepticism grows. And I've got to pay attention to how I decide, not the where and the when. Because the question of Faith (do I operate by it?) is the question that's answered by how we're living right now.

Oh, That Smells Good!!

Sometimes in trying to fix a problem, you create another one. It happens all the time, in high and low places. Or in the case of our house, which is situated rather high on a hill, the problem occurred in the lower level of our housel.

I'm remembering this problem because yesterday we had another showing on the house. I was careful to clean and neaten up the house but at the same time, not create the problem that I did when we first listed the house.

We were having a Broker's Open House and I was getting the house ready for what would be a real hard nosed critique by these savvy brokers who were coming. I thought I did everything right, until the written critique came in a couple days later. There were some glowing comments about our house having a lovely "alpine setting" and some other nice comments. But there were two comments that referenced something similar to Marcellus' comment: "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark".

I had vacuumed the carpets with a borrowed vacuum cleaner (ours was broken) that had not had the filter changed in a while. A long while. There was a dank musty odor left over after the vacuuming that I had not really detected in my frenzy to get the house ready. Here I had freshly vacuumed carpets (yeah!) but a nasty musty odor at the same time (oh no!).

This seems to happen a lot in life. You try to do something good but you sometimes cause a problem in the process. I think God has a lot of compassion for us when this happens. In fact, I would venture to say God has more compassion and grace for us, when this happens, than we do for ourselves.

But I think one thing God is not too compassionate about is when we deliberately disobey, or faithlessly want to retreat or return to old addictions, old problems and patterns of the past. And I think God has to be very firm with us when this happens. He has to thunder at us, in warning, when we want to sabotage our progress.

When the Israelites were in the desert, they really got God's dander up when they complained of His lack of provision and referenced that they, at least, had some food back in Egypt. God rains down a new type of food, called Manna, and He gives them the provision they had complained He doesn't give. But he does test them, as well. (It's for God to test us, not for us to ever test God).

He tells them, through Moses, not to gather more than what they need for that day. In other words, every day now, they were going to have to believe and trust and have faith that He would rain down the manna. And some did not want to trust Him. Some did not want to have faith that He would provide. So they gathered extra manna to hoard it for another day. "And it bred worms and it stank".

This odor of unbelief is a lot different than the bad smell of a botched up plan to do something good. I try to comfort myself with this revelation every time I start to do something good and wind up failing at it or fumbling around. Maybe I could even look at my botched up progress as something that still smells like a beautiful fragrance to God. God loves it when His children step out in faith- even if they later fall and skin their knees.

But if I do something out of fear, out of unbelief, out of a deliberate refusal to trust what God has already proven Himself faithful in doing and providing, over and over- then I not only disappoint God, I also have a musty odor. To Him. It could be that sometimes God sighs and says, "Something is rotten in the state of Lauren's mind- because she doesn't trust me". Ouch! I don't want that said of me either. (I know, I also said in one of my recent posts that I don't want it said of me that I'm so heavenly minded, I'm no earthly good. So now I'm accumulating things I don't want said of me!)

Some of you might be saying, "Lauren, just go out and buy a new vacuum cleaner and you won't go into these ruminations!". But just for the record, my broken vacuum cleaner was a brand new one that I just bought! Not new enough to be under warranty and return it, but new enough that it made me mad it wasn't working already.

Still, after cleaning out the filter and the bag of the borrowed vacuum cleaner, it still has a bit of a musty odor. I need a brand new vacuum cleaner. (I might get that one with the ball that easily glides around corners. How's that for how advertising gets you!). Whatever I get, I not only need a new vacuum cleaner, but I need new faith for each day. It's a gutsy faith- not the kind with a serene smile and a passive stance.

Because while my house had a momentary problem with this, I don't want any unbelieving stench coming from me. I want God to not only see me approaching Him, but to smell me a mile away! He'll take a whiff of my operative faith and instead of scrunching up His nose in displeasure, He'll smile at the fragrant aroma of my fresh Fiery Faith.

If You're Feeling Empty....Relax!

I've been rather quiet lately. At home, I mean. I still talk when I get together with people, friends, acquaintances, but then it seems like I'm done. Done talking. Done projecting my ideas and my conclusions. I really don't have too many of those anymore. I'm kinda empty. But in a good way.

I never realized that there are different kinds of emptiness. There's the emptiness you feel when you've lost a loved one, or you've lost a job, or you've lost your savings. There's also an empty feeling when you've been demeaned or despised. You can feel rather value-less and empty. It's a terrible feeling.

But then there's a kind of empty feeling when you've gone through a lot of stuff, dealt with a lot of junk, and now you're healed, possibly, but not exactly full of hope. Not yet. This is the time when dreams are germinating inside....again. This is the time when you're ready for a BIG idea from God- a new one- 'cause you're out of your own ideas. You're not feeling despair, just empty. Just ready for the New, cause you're done with the Old.

"Behold, I will do a NEW THING" God says to our empty hearts. We perk up and we sense how true that it is, and how ridiculous we've been to think we, ourselves, could usher in the new thing. We've been in our past and we are currently living out our present day. But we have not yet seen our future. God has, though. He's seen it all. And He's got a lot of new ideas that are bound to surprise us.

I haven't been very creative lately, although my cooking hasn't been terrible either. (But I am rotating the same dishes over and over.Last night was Grilled London Broil and Mashed Potatoes and Green beans. Nice, but not anything exciting).

I'm not writing anything amazing in my journal,either, and I haven't cooked up any crazy ideas lately, nor have I tried to entice my good friend, Mu, to do some kind of crazy adventure. She might just be a little empty herself- or at least a little tired. She certainly did a lot of energetic coaching and encouraging this past winter. It was a long winter, and I needed her help. She was there for me. She was really there.

Every time I try to pick myself up and get myself all energized to dream up some good career plans or income ideas or a potential house renovation, I feel God whispering to me "Relax." And implied in His message is the sense that I really couldn't do much more than relax and sink back into contemplation of the fact that the boundless possibilities I need to perceive are all going to come from Him anyways. So relax.

I've always had an issue with relaxing. The early bird gets the worm, not the relaxed bird. And I've somehow equated laziness with being relaxed. I'm sure some of this has to do with having a very industrious father who was an immigrant to this country.How many relaxed immigrants do you know? Nobody ever gets anywhere without a lot of hard work, diligent effort, striving, and persevering, right?

But then do these kind of hard working people know how to relax? And when do they relax? And do they struggle with feeling guilty when they relax? These are the things I want to know- and I think they are some of the best kept secrets.

I know very few relaxed Christians. It's a terrible indictment of us- as a people group. Nothing is more unattractive than a stressed out, uptight frowning Christian who tells you to put your trust in God and then you can have what they have- an uptight, stressed out life, but with salvation thrown in for good measure.

Lately it seems to me that to be relaxed, at peace, confident of God's love for you, that you would need the utmost of Faith. You would need to be someone who has heard God's heartbeat and you would need to be perceptive of God's good will for you. You would then anticipate good- not evil- from God. You would be able to be empty, and see it as a good thing- because you would anticipate that God loves to fill empty people- not empty them out further.

God doesn't deplete us. The world can do that. Unhealthy relationships can do that. Crises and problems can help to deplete you. But God fills you up. At least He desires to. Whether or not He can fill you to overflowing with love and hope may just depend on you and I seeing that He wants to.

And when we realize that we're empty, but we're reaching out to God for more-by Faith- then something good is about to happen. So relax. Loosen your shoulders. Take a deep breath. Act like your world is not collapsing, even if it feels like it is. And when someone asks you why you are so relaxed, tell them that you have no answers, no hope- apart from God- and therefore, you've got it made! You're more than fine. You're relaxed. Empty. And about to be filled to overflowing.

And That's How HE Sees it

I've put it off long enough, and if I put it off any longer I will be a walking menace to society. Or a driving menace, rather. I need to get new lenses. Which requires an eye exam. Which requires me making the appointment and then realizing that I should pick out new frames while I'm at it. And frankly, the choices of eye glass frames are too many. So I'm tempted by my stay-in-the-safe-zone nature to just keep my old glassess and muddle on as I am- out dated and out of focus.

Except that I really do want to see clearly. I can't stand being in the dark about things. Lately I realize that the term "walking by faith" is not that accurate a description. Sometimes Faith is more of a frantic groping for something firm, stumbling in the dark, walking into No Where Land. When you "see" nothing before you, and you still remember your convictions of God's Love and His promised presence, that's when you are carrying the torch of Faith. It's blazing and it's bright- but it still doesn't light the path before you. You still may be in the dark about a lot of things.

I was reading through one of my favorite chapters, Hebrews 11, when I noticed how often the term "did not see" was mentioned or alluded to. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen...so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible...must believe that HE is (even though you can't see God)...By faith, Noah being warned of things not yet seen....Abraham...went out, not knowing where he was going (He didn't see "Homeland" in blazing lights before him.Probably all he saw was dust in the wind!).

There's more and more references to this factor of trusting God and hearing Him though you don't see Him. Though you don't see how He can get you to where you need to be. Though you don't see the solution or even see how there could possibly be one.

It seems God really gets psyched about our belief in His ability to be Everything we need- to the point that what we see-or don't see before us- becomes irrelevant. God loves people who not only walk by faith, but live by faith, stumble ahead by faith, keep the faith.

There's a fine line between being faith-filled and being filled with foolishness and stupidity. Frankly, the account of Noah building an ark, by faith, doesn't help us walk this fine line. I don't know that I would hang out with any Noahs today. I don't like crazy Christians, weird religious people, extreme fanatics. They scare me. They probably scare you too.

But I don't care for drippy drab middle-of-the line-believers either. There's nothing powerful or inspiring about someone who never takes risks, never believes big, and never gets near to looking ridicuolous- because they were moved by faith. And it seems God isn't too big on these kind of people either.

He's ready to reward those who believe in His amazing power and love. He's looking for those radicals who will draw nearer to Him at the risk of becoming a little too risky in their behavior. He's not looking to make anyone become a weirdo or a nutcase. It's just that in this strange world we live in, people moved by faith look even stranger.

But remember, what you see is not everything. We have yet to see and experience the wonder of what God wants to do in our lives if we will just rely less on what we see and instead hang on to the One who sees it ALL.

Your Turnaround is NOW

It has been very strange- the way I have been feeling encouraged by God at a time when things are more than discouraging. Nationally, things are a bit depressing. Personally and economically, things have been tight. Very tight. Come to think of it, I haven't run into anyone, lately, who- when asked how they are- replies "Fantastic! Never better! Things are wonderful."

But that doesn't mean that things are worse for me. They're not. I've never been better. There's wind at my back, now- and that is something I haven't had in a long time.

I'm not sure where that phrase exactly comes from but I expect it is a maritime term, and any boat sailing along on a long journey wants wind at their back- not in their face. We all want support from behind us and open doors ahead of us. And surprisingly, I think that's exactly what I have right now.

I do also have problems. Or let's call them challenges or hurdles. My son, away at college, has been sick again with a bad cold and struggling with Asthma. My husband is temporarily between remodeling jobs. Issues about insurance, security, income, dwindling accounts- these are all real issues for us, and probably for many of you as well.

But there is a source of wealth (and I do mean wealth) that has recently appeared to me. Without this kind of wealth, you are in a real pickle. Some call it the favor of God. Some call it an inner knowing that everything will be okay. I call it a turnaround. And it's not ahead of me. It's now. Right now.

I had to look up this post I wrote, and I knew it was sometime last year that I wrote it. But I didn't know it was almost exactly a year ago that I wrote this. When I wrote about Your Turnaround is Just Ahead I had no idea that I needed to hang with this thought, marinate it for a year, and then "see" it come to pass.

It's not that I see fruitful fields right now and everything I have is multiplying. I don't see that yet. But I did hear God. And I keep hearing Him. He's speaking to my heart, and there doesn't seem to be a gray murky screen between us anymore. I'm not sure why He had to sort of keep me in the dark for so long. I knew He was real. I knew He was God, all these years. But I just didn't feel like I was in a vibrant personal relationship with Him where He was longing to chat with me as much as I was longing to talk with Him.

Who knows- maybe I knew too much about God, knew too much Scripture and too much about church life and even the M word (ministry)- for my own good. It's sometimes good to to get reduced to the absolute God-honest facts. It's sometimes good to get whittled down and pared down- if it means the rebuilding will be a more solid promising thing.

When Job's turnaround occurred, after he was whittled down and reduced to some desperate means, we think of what lay ahead of him: green fertile fields, livestock multiplying, more children, his wealth increased. But I think this true wealth began- this turnaround began- precisely at a point that Job chapter 38:1 indicates- "Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said...".

During Job's trial of misery and questions, he wasn't hearing God speak to his soul. He had no idea what his trial was all about. Friends tried to answer that question but they were only simple humans with a tiny, tiny bit of insight compared to the whole picture that God sees and God knows. During this awful time for Job, he was trying to declare some good things- as I was trying to declare good things myself, these past dry dusty years. That's where we get Job's famous "though he slay me, yet will I trust Him" phrase that has become a rallying cry for the disheartened and despairing when things are going all wrong and you don't know why and what's worse- you can't see or hear God. But you still believe in Him.

But if God starts talking to you out of the whirlwind, you have now begun your turnaround. Before you see good things happen, the best of all things has already occurred: God has spoken to you. You are not in the dark anymore. You are not alone- because you can hear God whisper to your soul or speak to your mind or however you hear Him best. This is good. It's a good thing when the God of the heavens is chatting with you, talking to you, girding you with encouragement and His perspective of things.

So if you're in a whirlwind of some type of catastrophe or financial distress or emotional upheaval, even though you want answers and you want relief, I think you may want, even more so, that God speaks to you. I know that when I can hear Him, I am suddenly sailing onward with the wind at my back, an oar in my hand, and an expectancy of good things to come.

Almost There

"Almost" is a powerful word. It packs an incredible punch of hope or dismay. A marathon runner who is almost at the finish line will often get his second wind. But a woman who is almost ready to give birth is often not encouraged at all with the thought of almost. Almost means nothing when the pain is great, so great that you forget what you were trying to birth.

That's what happened to me when I had my first child. I forgot that I was giving birth to my son because I suddenly was in the midst of a pitocin induced roaring pain that felt like a freight train ripping through my body. So when the doctors in the delivery room (there were several due to Alex's preemie status) kept saying "You're almost there", I heard nothing but "Pain! Pain! And more pain!". I didn't hear an end in sight. I didn't see a finish line. I was in the midst of a searing "now" with no end.

I'm thinking about all this because that's what I was battling this past week: the almost verses the now. This past week was about the quiet but powerful influences that sap us of our strength, not the noticeable stresses we all have to deal with, such as travel and finances and logistical hurdles like delayed planes and traveling college students.

It was stressful- me trying to get our son back to Kentucky, but not something that many don't deal with every day. But because this was only his second time flying, his first time flying alone, and my first time walking him through it, it was a bit of a challenge. Thanksgiving holiday delays and overbooked seats caused him to get cancelled out of his planned return on Monday morning. Then yesterday when we went in, confident that we were getting him off on time, we found this second planned flight had a glitch with a delayed incoming plane that would cause him to miss his connecting flight. So he would have to be rerouted to Atlanta, which is one of the largest airports in the U.S., and there he would have to connect with the second flight and then get to Kentucky. He had to re-arrange a pick up at the airport (to get to his college campus) for the third time.

But he did get there. He called me last night after I had left a message asking, did you finally make it?

"I'm here in Kentucky, but we were hit by a tsunami so I'm underground with nothing to eat but peanuts and I think I'm having an allergic reaction- but other than that, I'm fine" he calmly told me.

"Ha-ha" I answered him back and smiled. If he was joking with me, then he had made it back safely. Alex always teases me when there is nothing to worry about. So he made it back to college. And I slept last night like a woman who had just run a marathon.

Now I'm back to a quiet house. No weddings, airline travel, hours of driving, or big social events in sight. These aforementioned things were not in and of themselves terribly hard to bear. It was more the unseen dynamics of the battle and the condition I was in when I had to stretch myself this week.

Since Bill and I are both at a career crossroads, and both feeling not only financial pressure but dream pressure, we both are feeling a little dried out- not vigorous and bursting with confidence like a body builder does when he looks at the 100 lb weights he's about to lift. I feel skinny, emotionally, and yet fat with apprehension about the next round I may have to go.

I see the rising economic pressures, the societal unease, and I feel the circumstantial evidence of a world bent on deterring weary travelers and a God who expects weary saints to overcome. If the world even agrees that what you're working towards is a worthy pursuit, it will not tell you that you can make it. The world tells you- you might make it- and might is meant to inflict doubt.

And if you're about to conquer a mountain or reap a harvest, the world will have to admit that you're almost there- but they'll say almost as in "anything could happen, though; and maybe you'll have to go back".

But God keeps telling me "You're almost there"- and by that He doesn't mean making it through the holidays. Beyond the logistics and the financial challenge of a festive holiday celebration, there's another challenge of sorts, having to do with your dream, your heart's passion, your call.

When you look at this kind of challenge, the question is always about the route you are traveling (whether you are on track or not), the distance you have made (are we making progress? Cause if we haven't then we're on a mountain circling round and round). The challenge is also about how much further you have to go and about the response of your spirit when God tells you that you are almost there.

Maybe you feel you are going nowhere. (You might have well meaning dear ones who indirectly let you know that you are going in that direction). God says Nowhere can turn into Somewhere- and don't be so sure you're going nowhere based on the landscape around you. Dry terrain, deserts- these are the places where God loves to shout out in laughter with surprising springs bursting up out of the ground.

I know I look like I am going nowhere. And yes, I feel like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. But my feeling is not confirmation of reality.

I am certain, now, that some of the best progress we make is indiscernible to the natural eye. I am certain that some of my recent victories have looked rather pathetic to many, but not to God. He tells me "You're almost there, Lauren"- and God says that with Him, almost there is as good as there. Because He's with you en route, He was with you at the beginning, and when almost there turns to there, He'll tell you He already knew that it was.

All Kinds of Victory

The last couple nights I have slept terribly. I wake up with a throbbing heavy head, feeling exhausted and confused. Can't remember what I dreamt. There are no symbols or images in my mind to help me understand what I was grappling with in my sleep. Whatever answer I was trying to find, I didn't find it in my dreams.

I spent yesterday sighing a lot. Not good. For me that is the tinge of something near to depression. But its just a tinge; like a spot of mold on your cheddar cheese, and you decide it's only a spot and wipe it off...and then eat the rest of the cheese. And so yesterday I kept wiping off that tinge of darkness that hovered near me. I kept going over lessons with Abby, giving her a vocab test, making us a healthy lunch, running out to the post office and then grocery store later in the afternoon. But I did all this with the sheerest of determination and grit- like a cowboy on a dry dusty trail who finds out the trail is longer than he expected and so he digs in, he keeps going, but he feels lost.


It didn't help that in the morning I was reading the early news about the election results, and I was scanning forums and sites where people were writing words of exultation as well as scathing words of hostility, viciousness, and attack . One man won a presidency, there was a victory-and yet there was a lot of alarm, fear, and despair. I tried not to let this plague of distress enter my newly found grateful-thankful mindset...but it did. I felt my optimism and my happy outlook burst like a balloon that was shot at by a nasty little boy with a slightly evil grin. Even at the grocery store, it seemed like people were rude and mean, and children were out of control and screaming and flailing. One little boy was threatening to run out in the road and the mother was nervously trying to placate him as well as keep him alive at the same time.

"I never had to do that," I told Abby as we headed to the car with our groceries.

"Never had to do what?" she asked.

"I never had to worry about Alex acting up and throwing tantrums and terrifying strangers who passed by. He was a pretty mild kid," I paused in my reverie and then smiled at her. "But he made up for all that in his teenage years, didn't he?!". I wanted her to know that I try not to idealize the past. There are all kinds of pasts: the recent past, the real past, the long-ago past, the past that never really occurred but we keep thinking it did.

Here's why I often return to the past- cause that's when I can see God's hand, His presence, a lot better than I can see it in my "now". Like right now, I know He's with me, that He's for me, but is He in front of me paving the way? Because I often feel like I am in uncharted territory, stumbling forward only to look back for His approval of my direction and seeing that He is not there.

"Why do you look for the living among the dead?...He is not here" the angel said (Luke 24). Why do I keep looking back to see if I can find answers for my future? My past can't help me go forward- especially if I am often repeating it! And if I repeat a lesson that I already learned, that I thought I learned, then where exactly am I- in the past, or in the future regretfully remembering the past?

Either way my feet are dogged by memory, by the good memory of seeing how God intervened, and by regret over how bad it was, over how bad I was. But at least I am pretty clear on what happened in my past. I am not clear on what is happening now. If God is in front of me paving the way, I can't see Him, that's for sure. I can't always feel His presence. I only feel my frantic beating heart on those days where I wake up in a hostile world and remember that I have to go out into it. I do hear His words, though, calling to me from up ahead: Do it afraid, Lauren. Do it afraid.

And if I stumble ahead and go grocery shopping and grade a test and make dinner- even though I'm thinking Does any of this matter- if I do all this feeling wretched and dry and short on air, I find that this pleases Him. This. It's so ironic. I feel queasy and unstable- but He sees, instead, a beautiful sight. He calls it....Faith.

"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him"(Hebrews 11:6). It's just that it seems God always wants to reward me with more opportunities to get to know Him, more chances to stumble ahead, and that's not exactly the Reward I had in mind.

I had in mind a warm blanket and a soft chair; a chance to exult in my recent victory of faith (Lord, I was grateful and optimistic for three whole days!). I had in mind a soothing, "Well done, my child". And instead I hear Him say- from ahead- "Now let's go onward, shall we?".

And so that's what I do.

At the Sound of His Voice

Harry is no longer in mourning. The daily accidents have stopped. He's no longer looking depressed as he lies on the couch, just sleepy and bored. He'll come up to us now and put a paw on our lap and sit there waiting for us to do something. "You want to go out?" I'll ask him, hoping he'll do his potty time outside instead of these erratic and pungent episodes he'd been having indoors.

But no, he doesn't want to go out. Now, instead, he's bringing us into the living room where his stuffed orangutang is lying on the carpet. He looks up at us and then throws the orangutang into the air and starts horsing around. He wants to play. Harry wants to play because he's happy and no longer mourning over our son's absence.

This happened, I think, because of us skyping with our son on Friday nights. We go into Alex's old bedroom which has been semi converted into an office. We all sit in front of the computer screen with the little camera on it and then -presto- Alex comes on the screen and his voice fills the room.

Harry can't actually see Alex. They say dogs can't see TV or computer screen images. But Harry hears Alex's voice. He hears Alex say, "Ha-a-a-r-ry! How ya doing!" Harry looks around the room, his floppy ears alert and inching upwards in anticipation of seeing Alex. He still won't see Alex for another month or so, but he's heard his voice. Just hearing Alex's voice every Friday night has changed Harry's disposition from gloomy melancholy to joy and prancing around the house.

Now Harry is daily playing with the orangutan, which is really Alex's old stuffed animal. We took it out of Alex's boxed up things and gave it to Harry the week after Alex left for college. Harry looked at it and then sighed. Several weeks later he was still just looking at the stuffed orangutan. But now, in the last couple weeks, he plays with that thing daily. I mean really plays with it- tossing it in the air, chewing on it like a steak bone, and then ferociously growling while he whirls it around the room. Oh, he's fierce. He's alive. He's out of mourning- all because he has heard the sound of his master's voice.

And that reminds me that maybe that's all I need too, to go from mourning to dancing around the room like I have no cares at all. I don't need to "see" God or see how He is going to work everything out. I just have to listen, hearken unto Him- if you want to get all King James-y. And when I hear His voice echo in my heart, everything in me perks up and my bones feel strong and I feel alive and willing to be fiercely steadfast in my faith.

Taking Inventory

Today is very dark and gray. I don't want to think about world events or national headlines or even my own dilemmas and decisions I need to make. Today I just want to make homemade bread and something sweet, listen to my daughter turn the pages of her book (she is really "into" reading, lately) and contemplate how I can make a decent supper without continually glancing over at my son's empty spot at the table and sighing repeatedly cause I miss him so much.

"He was a pain, Mom," Abby reminded me this afternoon as we headed out to the library.

"I know- and I miss that Pain, very much. " I smiled at her and she saw that I really hadn't forgotten how much trouble he was at times, but nor had I forgotten how much joy, laughter, and craziness he brought into our family. Oh, and loud music too- he brought a lot of that into our home. And tall, lumbering friends who were always hungry.

I am already anticipating Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, and the sounds of him being home. I don't care how bad this economy gets or if we have roasted mouse for dinner. What matters is that we'll be at one table, with one objective in mind- and that's to give thanks for being together again. So I'm beginning my Thanksgiving mood right now. I'm going to capitalize on the fact that the bad economic news lately has actually caused me to take inventory of what I do have.

There are some things that a bad economy and plunging stocks cannot take away from you. Actually there's a lot that can't be taken away from you- no matter how dire the times. "I've got peace like a river", "joy like a fountain", "faith for today and bright hope for tomorrow"- and that's just a couple things that immediately come to mind thanks to all the good hymns and spiritual songs that went into me all these years.

I'll spend the rest of the day thinking of some more things I've got going for me. I'll think about all these real blessings as I get ready to bake Madeleines- these little French cakes that look like sea shells. They're sweet and spongy and they go great with a good cup of tea. I'm so glad that when times are tough, the tough start baking. Or singing. Or dancing a victory dance in spite of the dark gray skies.

Read the Headlines

I wonder if we Americans are really in touch with the raging undercurrent of economic anxiety this nation is feeling. This past week I was dealing with my own situational concerns: a son sick with potential pneumonia based 13 hours away at college, a highly sensitive dog who had to be clipped down to the skin at the Groomers, a home schooled teenage daughter in need of more social interaction and who was just plain tired of me being her teacher- after only three weeks of home schooling.

I was aware of the news headlines, the dire straights that certain banks were in, the predicament that we all are in- but I couldn't do anything about these big, huge economic concerns. My own concerns were in front of me, and I was just trying to figure out what was required of me. What was I supposed to do, and what was I supposed to let God handle?

In the end, I saw my son miraculously recover from what would normally have taken chest x-rays and antibiotics to deal with. I saw my daughter end the school week yesterday with a smile on her face after a jaunt to the local mall with a friend and then an easy supper of pizza and wings where Bill, Abby and I enjoyed what I call our "happy meal" and Harry calls his sad meal- because he doesn't get a scrap of anything. When I say that this dog is delicate, you have no idea. The least bit of a change to his diet, and we all know in a very pungent way that he can't handle the change.

The changes in our nation right now are so upsetting and nauseating to so many that I imagine many have not been able to sleep or eat, much less have a happy meal. Our family already lives at a higher risk level than some families do because my husband is self-employed, we have no pension or retirement fund, and we've journeyed this way for so long now that I am used to the constant underlying pressure of living close to the edge financially. I don't enjoy it nor do I ever welcome it with open arms, but I have fully accepted that this is how we travel, so to speak- a bit like vagabonds living in a comfy suburban world with strange, out-of-this world beliefs that are best expressed in verses from melodies like "God will make a way, where there seems to be no way" and "Jehoval Jireh, My Provider, His Grace is sufficient for me".

But I still feel the tension and the wobbliness of what's going on nationally, economically, politically. There's a great amount of fear in our nation that's trying to go undetected so that the tidal wave of crisis and change doesn't become unnecessarily bigger than what it has to be. I think we want to be brave and stoic but many of us feel vulnerable, at risk more than ever, and shaky- whether we're employed, retired, unemployed, self-employed or just starting out.

I think this might be a good place to be- in touch with reality, in touch with the fact that we've never been so high and mighty that we've eliminated Risk and secured the big Guarantee. We don't want to feel vulnerable, but since when have we not been exposed to situations bigger than our control, mountains seemingly impossible to climb, rough choppy seas that should overwhelm a tiny boat?

This is walking-on-water time. Being in your little boat isn't any safer when you're in the midst of a turbulent, thrashing storm. I think walking on water may just be the thing we were born to do. It may just be exactly what God has called us to do- anytime we are tempted to hold back and hole up. Instead, God says, Hold On...to Me.

Remembering What Counts

What a day. 9/11 is a day Americans will never forget, but it's also a day we don't particularly want to remember. Nobody wants to call upon sad or bad memories, painful times, days of trouble and scarring just for the sake of remembering Pain. But for some, a bad memory or sad memory is still a way to link with someone you loved; its still a way to stay in touch with someone you lost.

Last night we were able to do some kind of video-cam thing on the computer where we could see our son and talk to him at the same time. The reception was a bit choppy and we sometimes missed each other's words, but the gist of our conversation was there. My son looked well and there was nothing like looking into those dark eyes of his and seeing life. He is loving what he is learning and I have to say- so am I.

I am learning that sometimes we go through a long rough period in the trenches where we are fighting a battle of some kind, and then when God takes you out of the trenches and gives you a leave of duty from the battle, you find yourself feeling a bit out of sorts. You think you were trained only for war (and Scripture does tell us that He trains our hands for war), and you forget that He also trains you to be quiet and at rest, and maybe I would add - a bit bored. Not that I always loved putting out fires, but I never realized how active, full-time mothering of a teenage boy was so exhausting. Exhausting and never boring.

It's not that my daughter is a complete walk in the park, but she is more compatible with my temperament, and we don't clash much. Being with her I find myself laughing a lot, chuckling over her funny sayings and her honest assessment of things. I don't have to threaten her that her savings will have to buy hair coloring for me because she is not turning me gray. But that-kid-who-turned-me-gray is my son, my first born, and I am aware that he took a big turn down a road leading away from me. And now I don't care that he made my hair go gray. I only care that he is well, that he is safe and sound.

I only care about a couple things right now, in my life. I cared about a lot more, a whole lot more, a year ago. But right now what matters to me is that my daughter has a happy year learning what an 8th grader should learn, that our dog recovers from his anxiety over missing Alex and wondering why that boy is not where he should be- which my dog considers is here, with us, in that messy room of his that is now so quiet and still.

I only care that the few things I have put my hand to are done with simple obedience, no drama, and no fanfare. Now I am getting close to understanding what that passage was about when the household servant was to have this attitude: "The servant should not get any special thanks for doing his job. He is only doing what his master told him to do. It is the same with you. When you do all the things you are told to do, you should say, 'We are not worthy of any special thanks. We have only done the work we should do" (Luke 17).

It's not a false humility. It's simply a realization that you are called to do certain things. They are laid out for you. There is a simple obedience required- and it is good for you to have things simplified down to the Necessary, the Good, the Essential. Too often we get caught up with the fluff and the frills and the failures of trying to produce these things. I've had enough failures to know that many of them happened because I was caught up in trying to produce something significant out of the banal, the trite, the stupid, if I really get honest with myself.

So God is freeing me up, in a way, by winnowing me down. It's the brass tacks of Obedience 101. God knows what He is doing, He has a way for us to take, and when we come forth we will be shining as gold, even if we don't see how we shine.

One Day at a Time

I'm still missing my son, I've started homeschooling my daughter, and I'm just taking everything "one day at a time, sweet Jesus." Everything is scaled down in my life, scaled down to the basics, the necessary, the fundamentals. This is not a time for dreaming big or even for reviewing my personal goals. It's more a time for just looking up, every so often, and asking God, "Remind me why I am doing this?". And the answer will come, every time: Because He leads me there, to that point, that place, that situation where HE thinks I should be. So nothing is about me, anymore, really. It's more about Him than ever before. And for that, I feel more at peace than I have in a while. More at peace yet completely in the dark. And its not a scary place to be after all.

I'm getting used to talking to my son by phone (very, very brief phone calls, on his part), brief emails, and with my every day look at his senior photo in the living room when I look into those deep brown eyes and whisper to him, I miss you. He says nothing back, because photos can't talk, but I still feel better talking to him that way every day.

I'm getting used to homeschooling my daughter again, and the even the joy of learning with her, learning more about her, and learning from her. It's just the three of us at the dinner table, now, with Harry hovering at our feet, and we have great conversations about how my cooking has not improved, the house is messier than ever, and how we miss Alex and can't wait to see him at Thanksgiving.

Fall is definitely almost here. The weather is getting crisp and cool in the evenings- just the way I like it. I also like that I feel younger than ever, somehow, and I think its because I am more unsure of everything and more confident in His provision, His care. Instead of feeling wise and mature, I feel young and so aware of all I don't know. Yet He is constantly telling me that this is how a believer feels and lives: you walk by faith while you feel lost in the dark, all the while telling yourself that its not what you feel that counts. It's more what you know, for sure, that matters.

How to Make Him Smile

You never know when something is an opportunity or a distraction until you do a bit of investigation. We received a letter in the mail, recently, saying that someone referred my daughter, Abby, to a local girl's pageant. It was a bit confusing, the letter. It seemed like it was talking about a type of beauty pageant- only they made references to it being a pageant based on personality. Hmmmm. Only one way to find out what this was all about: we decided to go to the information meeting. It was set for Saturday.

It turns out that it was not something we would get involved with- for many reasons. But we did have an enjoyable experience watching what was presented, listening to the details, and investigating what the bottom line was all about.

As we drove home, my daughter explained what the personal interview was like. She was told she needed to walk towards the panel of judges with her eyes on them, projecting confidence, and then sit down while they asked her three questions. It all happened within a couple minutes, she said. (And they were going to evaluate on just that?)

"Did you maintain eye contact with the judges as you walked toward them?" I asked.

"Yes, " she said. "Only they weren't looking at me. They were scribbling notes on a piece of paper, probably notes about the girl who had just gone before me. They didn't see that I was looking at them." My daughter is pretty discerning about the way life is: that first impressions are noted, that people do judge a book by its cover, and that she really isn't into "all that". So we headed to the community pool for some fun in the sun, and put all this pageant stuff behind us.

It was interesting, though, this morning, when I was reading in Hebrews chapter 4 and 5. We are not to have "an evil heart of unbelief". And with confidence, we are told to "come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need". To come boldly means to come without reservation, with unreserved utterance, candor, cheerful courage. Why would we be cheerful and courageous in approaching God with our requests for help? Why would we have our eyes on Him, expectant and hopeful, as we walk towards Him- just as my daughter did when she approached the panel of judges?

Could it be that cheerful courage is the sign, the external evidence, that we know Whom we have believed in and are persuaded that He is able to keep that which we have committed to Him- our faith, our trust, our reliance on Him?(2 Tim. 1:12) Now, those judges did not see my daughter looking confidently at them. They are human. They miss things. We all do.

But God never misses a saint looking expectantly at Him- never! But sadly true as well is the fact that He sees when we have averted our eyes, when we have failed to trust Him, failed to believe that He is our Help in times of trouble. "'...O you of little faith!' What a stinging pain must shoot through the disciples as they surely thought to themselves, "We missed the mark again!'. And what a sharp pain will go through us when we realize that we could have produced complete and utter joy in the heart of Jesus by remaining absolutely confident in Him, in spite of what we were facing"(My Utmost for His Highest 8/12).

The thought that I could produce joy in the heart of Jesus by letting Him see my eyes are on Him, my confidence is in Him, and I am walking towards Him expectant of His available help- well, that makes my day! I'm all set to go out and bring a smile of joy to Him by simply letting Him see that no where but Him do my eyes rest, no One but Him do I trust in to make me able to run this race and not be weary, to walk courageously onward and not faint.

The Opportunity Before Me

I thought when I got back from vacation that I would be able to retain the newfound peace and sense of refreshment...but it's been a battle. Life comes at you with appointments, errands to run, children's needs to take care of, and you're flying all over the place taking care of these things when all of a sudden you realize your heart is racing, you're a bit agitated, and the sunny, peaceful beach days of vacation are long past. You could almost think you have to let go of what you gained. Almost. But I've decided that its mine to keep- the rest, the refreshment, the sense of contentment.

Even though this month of August is the THE month for change, for good-byes, for traveling, for visits, and for starting new things, it is still summer vacation. I've got to make sure I glean all I can out of the sun and the laughter and the taste of watermelon and the smell of sunscreen and sweat. "Summertime and the living is easy" that jazzy song tells us- but it's really not that easy to relax. It's doable, but not easy.

In about three weeks, my husband drives our son down to Kentucky for the beginning of his life away at college. Then a week after that, I fly down to Nashville to visit my niece. Then a week after that, I begin homeschooling our daughter. We have decided to go back to homeschooling her after two years of middle school education at a Christian school. It's going to be an interesting year, and possibly a bit quieter- with our son gone. (No more beating drums and blasting music). But one thing it will not be is routine. Everything is changing. There are more changes I will tell you about. And I've got to flex with it all.

"If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish- His purpose is the process itself" (My Utmost for His Highest 7/28). Now that "calm, faithful, and unconfused" part is a real mouthful. I normally don't major in calm (my husband does). I struggle with being faithful (but my dog, Harry, doesn't). But the unconfused part- well, that I am getting better at. I am no longer dismayed and floored by the changes and the suddenness of how life throws something new at you. This part- life's ups and downs- this part I expect. More than ever.

One life changing thing I learned from reading The Success Principles was to look at problems as an opportunity to learn something. And where there are problems, there's stress. And where there's stress, there's a need for surrender. "If you want to remain calm and peaceful as you go through life, you have to have high intention and low attachment. You do everything you can to create your desired outcomes, and then you let it go" writes Jack Canfield. And he is absolutely right.

But the letting go part is the killer. Acting as if you can trust God to take care of what you cannot is a beautiful expression of faith. But this is not beautiful as in "sittin' pretty". This is beautiful as in the praying, releasing, worrying and then praying and releasing all over again. This is work. This is the beautiful work of the Christian- "letting it go" into the hands of God.

When we let go of what is happening and our expectation of how something should turn out, we can look for the surprise God had in mind for us, rather than the expected Outcome we had wanted. Canfield says it best when he writes, "Instead of getting upset when things don't unfold as you anticipated, always ask yourself the question, 'What's the possibility that this is?'"

So many changes occurred in these last months that I could be very confused about what God wants from me. Or I could view all these changes and problems as opportunities, possibilities. There's always the possibility that God has something different in mind- different than what you were thinking.

I am quite uncertain about what God is doing, right now, in my life. But I am not confused as to his motive and His plan: God wants me to learn to "appropriate risk and uncertainty" (The Shack) and by learning to live with all that I don't know or understand, still be certain of His love, still be completely unconfused as to the fact that he is FOR me. He leads me. There's no doubt about that in my mind. He loves me- there's occasional bits of doubt about that, yes; because there are times that are not so loving and comfortable. But oh, the opportunity to grow and trust Him!

Quote for the Day

"Ah, that is the risk of faith, Mack.
Faith does not grow in the house of certainty."
-The Shack by William P. Young

Watch Me Dance

Sometimes just the sight of someone rejoicing and celebrating will provoke you to do the same- even if you think you don't currently have reason to celebrate. As one of my Mom's dear friends used to say, "It is never hypocritical to act the way God would want you to feel."

And so, last night, when my daughter and I returned from the movies (having used our two free tickets to see a musical that excelled in celebration even if it lacked in content), I waltzed into the house singing loudly and off-key and unashamedly. It felt so good to belt out a joyous sound, and I realized it's been a while since I majored in joy rather than in problem-solving.

Some people easily celebrate the little things in life, while others have to purpose in their heart to celebrate and rejoice. For some of us, celebrating and rejoicing can seem like a selfish, frivolous thing to do. But lately I've been learning that there is power in celebration. Mainly, I think, because celebration does not have to be done with all your ducks in a row, all your victories in plain sight. In fact, if you wait till you really think you have reason to celebrate, you might be waiting too long. You might go a long time without the wells of rejoicing springing up in your soul. And I know that I can't afford to be dried out. I can't make it if God's life-giving power to celebrate and overcome isn't manifesting in my life.

It's just like the verse that begins with "Believe in the Lord your God and you shall be established;..."(2 Chron. 20:20). The word "believe", here, means to be firm, stable, established. It's basically saying "Establish yourself in the Lord and you will be established." That's how powerful our belief, our conviction, is: it brings us in touch with the One who establishes us, who makes us stand tall and firm.

But you can apply this to the principle of celebration; especially the idea of celebrating by faith. Celebrate what God is doing in your life (even if you don't "see" it all) and you will feel like celebrating! Rejoice and you will be rejoicing. This isn't acting. This isn't fabricating the truth. This is manifesting the truth of which we do not yet see or feel. Because, remember:"It is never hypocritical to act the way God would want you to feel."

So today I'm celebrating breakthroughs and victories of all kinds. Things I don't even know yet. Because God is always up to something good in my life. It's just that sometimes you have to shout and rejoice and celebrate before you even see the victory.

Celebrating the Victory

There were ups and downs, highs and lows, over the weekend- but there was no rain on Sunday, the day we all gathered to celebrate a milestone in our son's life. The days preceding the party were emotionally charged and there were a couple upsetting incidents that clouded our joy. So on Sunday morning, early in the morning, as I laid in bed and looked at at the cloudy sky, I whispered a pleading prayer, "Please God, please- don't let it rain today. Let it be a sign that everything is not always all uphill."

Now that's a dangerous prayer. First of all, because God doesn't have to stop the rain just to make you feel better. Someone may be praying for rain in the house next door to you, and then what does God do?! Secondly, I was asking out of weariness and frustration- not necessarily out of faith.

But God can handle how and why I ask Him for what I do- and God parted the clouds and allowed the sun to come out. There wasn't a drop of rain. Mu, my best friend, arrived at the party early in the evening and told me it was raining at her house (several miles away)- but it wasn't raining at my house.

People gathered on our deck outside, talking and sipping cold drinks. My son was beaming with happiness at the number of people who kept coming. There were new friends, neighbors, school friends and family members. Old friends of our family arrived early, and looked forward to meeting with my parents. But would my Mom come? She's been battling depression and it has been fierce. But there she was, frail and beautiful, smiling tentatively, walking through my front door with loved ones at her side holding her up.

That's what we do when we fall down- we hopefully get held up by love, by loved ones who come rushing in when the wind goes out of our sails. Or in my case, when the knees grow suddenly weak and you're about to faint. I got sick right int he middle of the party. One minute I was chatting with people, feeling a bit ill, and the next minute I was rushing to the bathroom. Due to the heat and having not eaten all day and the emotional upheaval I had been through prior to the party, I suddenly felt the world swim. I became violently ill and wound up lying in bed. Different people came rushing in to check on me. My younger sister took over and began serving food. A dear friend started washing dishes that had piled up in the sink. My husband went out and chatted with guests after I whispered, "Just say that I'm resting for a minute. I'll be right out."I was weak, but people were strong for me. The party went on.

I thought it was heat exhaustion and nausea due to not eating all day and then drinking a few sips of too-sweet-iced tea. But today, several days after the party, I am still feeling ill. It feels like I have Mono again. I'll go get checked out at the doctor's. It's not that big of a deal.

What was a big deal was the day we celebrated my son's graduation from high school. That day was a challenge and it was wonderful. That day was exhausting and it was exhilarating. That day there were people in and around my house, pulling into the driveway, playing music down in our opened garage, milling around the yard, smiling and feasting on food that disappeared quickly. In fact, I ran out of food. But we never ran out of victory. We never ran out of grace. The skies held back the rain, but God let grace, like rain, fall down and we celebrated the victory of being loved by Him.