FAITH FUEL

NEED a SPEAKER for an Event?

2012-01-25T15:55:00.004-05:00

I have taken a break from posting here at FAITH FUEL in order to pursue other possibilities of communicating the Good News to my friends far and wide. While I am transitioning to new avenues of communicating with you all, please know that I am available to speak at Women's Events, Retreats, and Conferences.

Please see my Speaking site for more information:

http://laurencaldwell.wordpress.com/

God bless you all richly!

Just Down the Road

2011-05-29T18:19:00.004-04:00

My posting has been less frequent--and let's face it: It appears I'm winding down, closing up shop, moving onward, and heading down the road to the point that I'll soon be out of sight. And probably out of mind. Out of your mind, hopefully--not mine!

Maybe it's just a summer sabbatical I need or maybe I need a complete overhaul of my life. But in any case, I think a break from writing will be good for me. I think I need to try some new things and contemplate some new ideas and simmer them deep within me before I share them out loud or on paper or on this blog.

So you might not hear from me for a while. You can always read some of my old posts on topics that interest you. Or you can step out on the road, like me, and venture down the road, beyond familiar territory, and explore the unknown and wander into some unexpected blessing or an unexpected place of peace or ministry. The world is waiting for your unique touch. God has meaningful and surprising work for you to do.

You'll discover it....as you go.

The No and the Nod of God

2011-05-01T17:29:00.004-04:00

I haven't been posting as much, lately--I know. But I've been having a sort of mini revival--all thanks to recently discovering anew that God's No is not the same as God's frown. I suddenly feel so loved and protected, in spite of all the No's I've had.

God's No is not such a bad thing, I've been discovering. But No is not a word we normally enjoy or appreciate.

Think of it: when you were a child and you reached out for something and heard a severe "No!" it was probably not an enjoyable experience. There might have been a No to dessert, a No to getting a toy, a No to going to a party. We remember the No's. And yes, of course, your parents (hopefully) said No to protect you: No to touching hot stoves, No to walking alone at Night, No to staying past curfew, etc etc. But still, a No is not a word we heartily embrace.

The word "No" has gotten a bad rep. And lately I've been discovering that when God says No, He might just be saying "I love you too much to let you go through that door....at least right now." Sometimes No is "Not yet" and sometimes God's No is a resounding Alarm not too unlike the clanging fire alarm that goes off because a call comes into the local fire station that some bo-bo has set their kitchen on fire because they had their dish towel too close to the stove (I have never done that, but I have set my hair on fire when I leaned too close to the candle, once. But no fire truck was needed, thank you).

When God says No it could often mean an indirect Yes to something else--something you don't YET have in mind, but God does. God always has your Best in mind when He answers you. Because He knows the plans He has for you (Jer. 29:11).

Lately I've had a renewed enthusiasm in coming to God in prayer and discovering that I really don't care whether he says No or nods Yes--I just care that He cares, that He bends down to listen to me...and that His Answer is always perfect, always in my best interest. Sometimes it takes me awhile to figure out His answer.

But one thing I know for sure: I'm begining to appreciate and love the No and the Nod of God...because I know that He loves me.

2011-04-23T08:51:00.002-04:00

Have a Blessed Celebration of Resurrection Sunday!

May you live the life of an overcomer because of the One who overcame death.

Above It All

2011-04-14T08:25:00.004-04:00

I just launched a missile...I mean, wrote a lengthy missive to my 21 year old son, just now. It was one of those letters where you're trying to get things off your chest, so to speak, and trying to communicate love and acceptance at the same time. I felt like I was going through this hole in the rock, and didn't know how I was going to come out or come across.

I've been operating, lately, out of the dregs of my post-winter reserves. Which is to say, I've got about a quarter ounce of grace left. It's time for a big gulp of joy and some rolling-on-the-floor laughter which would rekindle my sense of humor, my sense of perspective.

I feel like there's going to be the clash of the titans, what with my son coming home for the summer. He's like a tornado of creativity and joy--but a tornado, no less. There'll be a lot of flying debris, a lot of stormy discussions, much laughter, a lot of pizza making, and probably some exclamations of exasperation on my part. The four of us are all adults (well, my daughter is 16--but 16 going on 26 as far as maturity) with well-formed opinions and personalities and preferences. Harry, our dog, is the only amenable one of the bunch. He will acclimate to every situation. He is the one with grace.

I don't know when I felt my reserves running dry. Obviously Old Man Winter took the majority of my joie-de-vivre. But it's also due to the fact that my son will be graduating from college in a little over a year, and my daughter is working a summer job and talking about college choices and ready to go off to college in two years.

And here's the thing about raising children: you never see when they become adults. Oh, technically they become adults when they turn 18 and then especially at 21. But there are so many times along the way that you have to intervene and coach them through things. And there is no clear end to when you'll feel relieved enough, or settled enough, about them and the decisions they are making and the experiences they are going through.

Safety Bill and I were sitting on the couch one morning last week and I had my feet in his lap and he had his coffee mug in hand and we both had our kids on our mind. We were talking about our daughter --who rarely makes us worry about anything major. But of course we're always concerned about her emotional state, her spiritual journey, her physical health, her academic choices. And then just when we had finished discussing one particular little issue in her life, it occurred to us that every choice in her life would then affect us. It wouldn't stop at college or marriage or career. We'd never be done parenting-- or with the concern, I should say, that parents feel.

I don't know how God does it: how does He handle the weight of the world, the numerous requests coming to him night and day, day and night? I would be so weary. I AM weary, right now, just thinking about it. I'm weary and....relieved-- that He is NOT weary.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."Is 40:28

Maybe contemplating that mystery alone--that God does not ever grow tired or overwhelmed-- will help renew my strength. Because my strength is in Him. My ability to go the distance, whether its in parenting or any other task or responsibility, can be tied into His ability to not grow weary-ever. He's fresh on the scene of our life, night and day. He refreshes weary parents. And weary wanderers.

I poured my heart out, in that letter to my son; telling him things I wanted him to know, reminding him of things I didn't want him to ever forget: things like I love him, like I believe in his ability to persevere and succeed, and that therefore I'm looking forward to what he's going to choose. I challenged him but I also reminded myself of some things as well. He's at a cross-roads of choices. But really, so am I, the biggest one being that every day I've got to choose to renew my strength or pay the price of running on empty.

But if I do remember to renew my strength in Him, this will refresh my perspective, which will give me a second wind. Sure, I'll also get pushed out further and further into the mainstream of life where the challenge of complex choices might tax me some. I'll get weary, often. But God never will-- and He's sustaining me. So, I know that there will also be those times where, once in a while, I'll get to soar on eagles' wings, above it all.

Happy New Day to You

2011-04-07T14:05:00.002-04:00

I'd like to say this is a picture of an elegant birthday party that I threw for my husband this week. But the photo is from Traditional Home- not from my home, mainly because I didn't take any photos when we celebrated Safety Bill's Birthday. We forgot to do that. Or actually, I guess we just didn't plan on taking photos.

What we did have was a nice simple birthday dinner for him and there was chocolate cake for dessert. No candles. Come to think of it, we didn't even sing happy birthday to him. It was just my daughter, Safety Bill, and I celebrating his big day. Our son is still away at college. Harry was under the table hoping for scraps of steak.

So yeah, there wasn't a lot of hoopla or singing or decorating. But there was peace. And I gave him lots of kisses. And our daughter made him a little card. And Harry curled up on his lap later, like he was a fluffy cat instead of an old dog.

I love the fact that both Safety Bill and I have come a long way when it comes to Expectations. Life is simpler and more peaceful when your expectations are realistic. This was a mid-week birthday. Safety Bill was tired from the hard work on the job site. I wasn't feeling all that peppy myself. It's been a long winter. So we three centered in on the one good thing we could expect: being together, at the table, eating a meal, relishing the peace.

I may go all out for his birthday next year. It all depends on where we're at. But for now, each new day we get to be together is a celebration. I treasure the little things now, more than ever; things like peace, laughter, a good long talk in the morning as the sun rises, hot coffee, Harry at our feet, our daughter singing in her room, our son texting us that he did well on an exam, a cup of hot tea at night, a soft pillow, my husband's hand in mine. Sometimes I celebrate big and loudly and sometimes I enjoy the quiet celebration of another birthday, a small victory (like finally folding three baskets of laundry) and the possibilities of another new day.

Higher Ground

2011-03-30T08:20:00.002-04:00

I had one of those light bulb moments this morning; you know, your brain is foggy, you're dutifully eating your pasty but good-for-you oatmeal, and you're looking at a Scripture verse for minutes on end while your mind is somewhere else, and then....Blink! The light is turned on.

First, though, there was coffee and a bit of "discussion" with Safety Bill this morning. I like to say we discuss things, but anyone listening in might say "That sounds more like arguing." But that's only because when I "discuss" things, I tend to get a little vehement, a little heated, and Safety Bill gets more quiet and goes on high alert--like he's thinking that the boiler pressure relief valve might let go. His thinking is Safety first. Mine is Make Way for Truth. We try to meet in the middle.

But there's no middle ground when God is pruning you. That's what I've been thinking about lately. John 15:2 alludes to some kind of "pruning" that God does in our life--like you're an apple tree and God is going to lop off a few branches. NOT! If that were the case, you would know what was going on when God was pruning you. It's easy to see the branches come off--if that were pruning.

But the Greek word here has to do with God purging your life. It's more of a vicious cleansing than a lopping off. He takes what is mixed-up in your life and un-mixes it. He removes things. He peels things away. And I'm convinced that when God is pruning, you feel more of a panic and dismay than a non-chalant attitude of "Oh, that's just God pruning me."

I don't think we have to go around pretending that we like being pruned. When we're going through a confusing, botched up situation and things are falling apart in our life, and we feel a little uncertain about what the heck is going on, and someone asks you how you're doing, we don't need to give some spiel about how wonderful it is to walk with God and be pruned. It's better to say, "I feel like I'm in a storm. I'm a bit confused as to what God is doing in my life right now. It's all a b it murky right now."

But hold on for the light bulb moment! Because at some point down the road, it WILL come on. Matthew 5:8 says, "Blessed are the PURE in heart, for they will see God." And in this case, the word PURE has the same Greek root word meaning as PRUNED: you're PURE because God has purged you, He's made you clean in your motives, He's removed undesirable elements from your life. And if you've ever prayed to see God more clearly, He'll take you up on that prayer. He'll shake up your staid life, purge things from it, remove the impure motives, and make you look like a mess all the while it's happening. (Ask Job.)

But hang in there, friend. Because blessed are the pure (and pruned and radically purged)--they're going to see God. When God has messed up your organized life a little, and torn apart your nest, and re-arranged relationships and purged addictions from your life, get ready for some major light-bulb moments. You're about to see things in a whole new light. You're about to see God. And when you do, you'll be glad that when you were this close to giving up, you didn't. Because like Job, though He slay you and purge you, yet you trust Him... to see you through.

Between Two Worlds

2011-03-23T13:11:00.005-04:00

I've just spent the last hour trying to clean out my email inbox. (I'm still getting these warnings that the mailbox is precariously full, though.) This is more a statement about my inability to make quick decisions about what is necessary and what is superfluous in life, than it is a question of pressing the delete button over and over. These are the things that weigh us down in life--I'm convinced of that. When your garbage cans and email inboxes are overflowing, it means things have caught up with you.

I've got more than spring cleaning on my mind, lately. It seems like it's time for me to do a little soul searching too; or maybe you would call it a re-balancing, like the way they re-balance the tires on your car so that uneven weight distribution doesn't cause noticeable vibrations.

I've spent a bit of time over the last week reviewing some news stories and videos about the Japanese people and their state of emergency after the earthquake and tsunami. They are not dealing with petty things like cleaning out email inboxes. They are dealing with issues of survival. They are trying to find someplace solid on which to stand. They're looking for lost loved ones and dealing with a death toll that some say is hovering near 22,000.

What can I learn from the Japanese? They are going through hell right now. They are learning to cope, to endure, to overcome. Everything is critical in their life right now.

I do not face these same challenges. But I'm called to the same actions of persevering, enduring, overcoming. In light of their overwhelming pain right now, the light bulb has gone on in my brain: it's called Perspective. I see things differently. I realize that I have some challenges in life, but I am not challenged to the point of death and despair. I realize that there are things I don't want to do in life, but I am not dealing with the daunting undesirable task of searching through dead bodies so that I can identify a loved one. I'm not in a season of crisis. I'm not, in any way, at the end of my rope, so to speak.

So on behalf of those who are in crisis, I contribute to the Red Cross relief efforts through my local grocery store. But more than that, I pray--for divine help, miraculous strength, a way...where there seems to be no way. And then I also set my mind about how I will deal with the challenges in my life. I want to have the right attitude, the right undercurrent of thought about every big and small problem: this is just an obstacle, a minor issue, a relational blip, a financial challenge; and I can deal with this.

It's not a feeling of guilt that teaches me this perspective. And it's not so much relief either--relief that I'm not living through the aftermath of catastrophe-- but it's the understanding that in between those two opposing worlds of guilt and relief is the healthy balance of an appreciation for Life, sweet and full, messy and frustrating, challenging and precious.

I think our Japanese friends would tell us this, that when all is said and done, a hand in yours, an embrace of comfort, an understanding look, a listening ear--these are the things we all cherish, no matter what season of life we're in. This is what Life is--the flow and the undertow, the crisis and the calm after the storm, and everything else in between that makes us look up for help and then reach out for those around us.... gratefully.

Book Review: Skipping a Beat

2011-03-17T09:32:00.004-04:00

Speaking of timing, here's a book that explores what happens when someone suddenly wakes up to the truth of how fleeting this life's journey is. As we empathize with the Japanese people in the aftermath of catastrophe, we certainly have a higher sense of the brevity of life, the preciousness of time with loved ones, and the question of what really matters in this life.

Sarah Pekkanen explores some of these questions in her latest novel, Skipping a Beat. I eagerly began reading the book and was hooked right from the beginning. The story centers in a prosperous thirty-smething aged couple who has it all--after having had little as children-- and what happens when the main character, Julia Dunhill, finds that after a cardiac arrest, her husband, Michael has come back to life, but not exactly in the same frame of mind as before.

This is a beautiful story. I probably related more to Michael than to Julia at times, throughout the story, but there was ample backstory and exploration of character nuances to get anybody tied in to the unfolding of the story and the ultimate outcome. Some reviewers have discussed the ending as surprising, but I wasn't surprised by the resolution of the story. The only thing I couldn't relate to at all had to do with what you call the theology of Michael's experience and his viewpoint of the afterlife.

But this novel certainly explores some of the more impacting experiences of life. It's no picnic in a fairytale world, but a thoughtful look at a marriage in trouble, a man with a new outlook on life, and a woman who has never forgotten her past. Sarah Pekkanen's SKIPPING A BEAT is aptly named. More than that, it's a moving story; a treasure chest of reality and hope.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I receive books free from publishers. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I express are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Have You Got the Time?

2011-03-08T10:50:00.003-05:00

My timing has been a bit off here at Faith Fuel--I've been writing sporadically and posting from time to time but not with any degree of regularity. Getting the timing right on something is always a bit of a challenge, isn't it?

I love how the Psalmist writes, "My times are in your hands" (Psalm 31:15). He's referring to the seasons of opportunity and the timing of certain events being directly in God's powerful hands. It's a good thing that divine timing is not left up to me, I can't even get human timing right!

The thing is, if our seasons and windows of opportunity are in God's hands, then chances are (timing, again) that we're going to be in the dark about things until they're made clear. And most people who are "in the dark" feel somewhat afraid, a bit tenuous about their sense of security.

For example, I'm in the dark as to when I'll hear from my college-aged son, what exactly he is doing down south, what he is up to. I'll get a text message from him from time to time, but I basically don't know what he is doing, if he's getting to classes, sleeping at all, or remembering that college is about getting an education and not about having an extended vacation. He's a creative, wild type, my son; prone to taking a hair-raising adventure like Mr. Toad in the Wind in the Willows. It's best if I am kept in the dark about what he's up to because my heart rate might accelerate out of control if I know all the things going on in his life.

But maybe there's a correlation with how God works as well: I don't think I could handle knowing everything that is coming my way, or what "adventure" God is lining up for me to experience next. I thought I wanted to know more about what God is doing in the dark so that I can take a more definitive stance to what I am doing in the light. But God does not play fair--mainly because He doesn't play with our lives and He has a different standard for what fair is.

If I cast my bread upon the waters, as it says in Ecclesiastes, I may have to wait days, weeks, months, years before I see what happens. A better way to understand this verse and see that it doesn't have to do with soggy bread but Timing, instead, is to read the verse in the New Living Translation: "Send your grain across the seas, and in time, profits will flow back to you." So you're really casting your ships on the water, over tumultuous seas, where they sail out until you can't see them anymore. They've disappeared into the horizon. You don't know when they'll return, and if they'll return full or empty.

My Dad didn't want me to major in English, back when I was in College, because he couldn't see that there would be a very good return for me career-wise. Where do English majors wind up? In various and sundry places, I can tell you that from experience. I completely understand, now, why he wanted to guide me into calmer waters where smooth sailing--at least career-wise--was a bit more possible.

There have been a number of ventures and adventures that I've taken over the years and when I look back, I can see where I would have taken a different turn or where I would have changed course, depending on what I saw coming my way, at that time. But all my seasons of life are woven together, working together for good; they're held in God's hands and He has promised to make sense of them all.

And after recently having a pivotal birthday, I'm obviously wondering if I've got the time, still, to make my life count, make my mistakes count even. Mistakes go hand in hand with risk. And risk is an ingredient in Faith. And without Faith, it's impossible to please God, says Hebrews; because God is looking for people who send out their ships on the waters and release them to the wind and to the chance of storms and danger. There's a chance an endeavor you've gotten involved in may start to go south. There's a chance that you can't quite reach that goal that you've set for yourself. But there's one thing I'm sure of: you've got the time, still, to reach out and go for the impossible. It's still the opportune season for taking a faith adventure because it is always God's will to press onward, press toward Him, and reach for something that would take His power, in you and on you, to do.

Don't stand too long looking at your ship sailing into the purple strirated horizon and wondering how long it will take till you see a return. It's probably a better usage of our twenty-four hour time to pour ourselves into the work at hand and leave the timing of it all, the outcome of it all, in God's hands where mysteries lay concealed... until the opportune time.

O Happy Day

2011-03-01T08:44:00.005-05:00

Harry's fan club is growing, mainly because as he ages, his adorableness does not seem to wane. I, on the other hand, experienced a rather traumatic event in February that has to do with the accounting of time in a chronological manner. Yes, the dreaded birthday. I really was having a hard time with this one in particular and wasn't even going to write about it. I was going to try to pretend that it hadn't occurred.

But that's cowardly. We don't "do" cowardly here at Faith Fuel. So let me share what went on in my head and heart over the last week and a half. I tried to be plucky about this new decade and age category I was entering. I tried not to be so shallow that getting a year older should upset me so.

But it really wasn't the birthday that was getting to me. It was the fact that a year had passed and I had not accomplished anything significant--at least in my mind. Which is the place where age matters, really--it's all in your mind. That's where a lot of our problems are as well, or the magnification of our problems, I should say. In our mind's eye, everything looms large and threatening when it might just be a whisper of a problem.

I was not happy on February 21st, the day of my birthday. I went to bed that night and felt listless, defeated, deflated. I woke up the next day and things were still gray: the skies, my mood, my outlook. I think God had had enough of my pity party because that afternoon as I was driving around doing errands, I felt that whisper of tender inquiry, "What's really bothering you, Lauren?"

So I told God, "It's that I don't feel like I'm 50. I feel like I'm 41 or 42. I wish I could still be in my forties. That would just feel like I have more time to, you know, 'get there.' "

I felt like God was in a forbearing mood when He countered with, "So then, do you want to turn back time and go back seven or eight years. That would mean your son is back in middle school, having that rough year, and you would be without the church family that you're connected with right now."

"Oh, no, I don't want to go back to that season of my life" I thought. "How about 45 then? I'd like to at least be in my forties."

"Well then you'd be experiencing that delightful transitional stage with your son. Remember that period of time where there was a lot of yelling and asserting of independence and storming around the house and slamming of doors- and it wasn't just him doing all that??" God reminded me.

I flushed with embarrassment. This was not going well. I saw where God was going with this. I saw that to survive somewhat-trying seasons, you had to pay the price of time. You gave up minutes, hours, days, months of your life. But you also got the reward of having gotten THROUGH that time. And once you get through a difficult time, why would you want to go through it again?

I felt a sudden wave of deep appreciation for where I was in life, at that very moment, at that very age I was. It's not really your age that defines you anyhow--though society wouldn't exactly agree with that.

I think of Abraham in the Bible. "Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people."(Genesis 25:8) This is the man we affectionately and respectfully refer to as Father Abraham. You don't get to be a father unless you pay the price of years spent. You don't get to be a grandparent unless you are "full of years."

I want to get to the point where I can view advancing age, old age, as something that is GOOD, something that is a Reward. After all, ask anyone battling a life-threatening disease if they are worried about getting a year older. They want to get to the point where the possibility of living to "a good old age" is a reality.

And so, on behalf of them, and on behalf of those who are trying to get THROUGH trying times, I embrace this new age, this birthday I just had. This was my reward. I didn't just make it through another year, I completed a level. I passed some tests. I have made it into a new season of life. I've got a brilliant son in college who will be graduating in a little over a year. I've got a teenaged daughter who has excellent judgment and such perspective for a sixteen year old. My husband and I will celebrate 27 years of marriage this August. My mind is still clear. My dreams are still alive.I've got a lot going for me, even though gravity and the passing of time might defy my body.

You know what a birthday really is? It's a Door. Each Year that Comes is an Open Door that leads to many things. I turn the doorknob and step into a new year mindful that I get the opportunity to explore and question and grow. I get to experience the grace of God, and if anything, I think I see His grace more clearly the older I get. Hopefully I am more grateful than I was last year, more thankful than ever to be alive- because this is Life, moving fast and faster. I step into the flow of wonder and awe expectant and eager to live to a good old age.

DEVOTION by Dani Shapiro

2011-02-22T10:22:00.006-05:00

Oh, what a searingly honest memoir! This is not just one woman's story of her search for truth and for permanence in a transitory, troubled world, but it's every mother's experience with fear and protectiveness, every daughter's questioning look at her relationship with her parents. In a way, this is my story--even though it's not my faith journey.

I am a lot like author Dani Shapiro, in that I have a questioning mind--no, actually, it's almost obsessively virulent in its grasping for answers. I read her story and I'm nodding my head over and over, even though I have never tried Buddhist practises or meditative rituals. But I've searched, I've questioned. I've stood in massive cathedrals, the year I lived in Spain, and felt a stab of yearning for what the Catholics knew that I, an evangelical Christian, didn't. Things like the sense of kneeling in pews and reciting certain novenas that reduced you to smallness while God loomed majestically before you. As Dani writes, "It was a lesson I needed to learn over and over again: to stop and simply be. To recognize these moments and enter them--with reverence and an unprotected heart--as if walking into a cathedral."

And the year we lived up in the mountains of New Hampshire in a Jewish populated community-- oh, what a glorious time that was and I absorbed and questioned and made friends with the conservative, the orthodox, those of reform faith. There was Seymour and Ethel, and Mort and Adele, my Jewish neighbors who were dear friends. And of course our Catholic and slightly ballistic neighbor, Mr. Kaminski, who thought the world of my husband and me but chafed at the questionable boundary line between himself and his neighbors, Mort and Adele.

Religious discourse, or talking about what we believe, seems to bring up boundary lines--seen or unseen. Fear arises when people ask questions that a tightly compacted faith cannot answer. But Dani Shapiro, while honestly conveying the anxiety she battles, isn't afraid to go there. Neither is her son. "Jacob piped up from the back seat:'How do we know we're not dreaming right now?' The idea that we might be dreaming frightened him. He wanted to know what was real." And so do I.

And that, in a nutshell, is Shapiro's quest: it's not just for a life of devotion, but for the depth of a a true faith, a solid foundation of awe and yet security that perhaps we all long for. This is a beautifully written book for those who grapple and grasp for truth. I opened the pages of this book and heard her heart, saw her anxious questioning mind and her courage. "I've set myself on a course that doesn't allow me to be a coward" she writes; and yet she has no problem almost boldly telling you of the panic attacks and problems that plague her.

This is a memoir, not a didactic guide book for those used to going directly from A to B. This is an ongoing conversation and a journey. I explored with her--and I'm still asking my questions without pulling back.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I receive books free from publishers. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I express are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

The LIVING Room

2011-02-19T09:22:00.004-05:00

Thanks to House Beautiful, I can stare at this photo for hours, wondering why it has such a hold on me. I love the bright pink here--the punch of color that jolts you out of winter doldrums and into contemplation of the colors of Spring that are on their way.

We lived with a lot of gray this winter- gray skies, gray rooms, gray salted slush piling up on all the sidewalks.

You endure a winter--unless you're an outdoor enthusiast whizzing down the mountain or cross country skiing through the woods. (Good for you, if that's you!)

Me--I take the hole-up-and-hibernate route and venture out for long walks when the snow has melted and the sun warms my skin. I've got another month or two till that happens.

Harry is wearing a cute little collar I made out of an old cashmere sweater. Safety Bill thinks he looks ridiculous in it. But I've had scissors in my hand and old magazines and old sweaters piled in my room, and my sewing box at my feet, and this is what you get from me during the winter: candles that wear custom little sweaters and Harry wearing a little blue bow-tie collar around his neck. This is me making it through winter. You do what you gotta do.

Like the other day when I went over to stay with my mom while her two main caregivers were out. We had a song fest in the living room (which looks nothing like the picture above!) On the old out-of-tune piano, I pounded away, plinking out rusty chord patterns and trying to keep the melody.

"This is what you get, Mom, after five years of me taking lessons" I called out with a sheepish smile.

She didn't care about the out-of-tune sound or the missed notes. She just wanted to sing. We sang Christmas carols and the theme song from Love Story and a couple of those old glory hymns. My mother clapped at the end of each song like I had finished a recital for the queen. That's how we passed the morning hours that day, making a joyful noise--emphasis on the word "noise."

The living room looks nothing like the picture above. The furniture is faded, mismatched. The old oriental rug pummeled to death. The only color is the plethora of green plants placed all over the room. The piano is chipped, and several keys have the ivory missing. It's not exactly a showcase of a room. But it's where I spent my childhood and teen years. It's where I practiced the piano for hours, not exactly thinking I would become proficient but thinking that it was a good thing to do.

I'm glad my mother never said to me, "This is what I get out of all those years we paid for lessons?!" Because what she got was a terrible piano player who can barely read music. But I think she hears something different when I play. I think she hears, not the botched chords or the awkward sounds of wrong notes, but instead, the years of me practicing away with her covertly perched by the sliding door listening to the comforting sound of someone just trying to get it right.

Same Life, New Story by Jan Silvious

2011-02-15T17:16:00.007-05:00

Same Life New Story is more than a ten-week Bible Study for Women. It's a handbook for those looking to create a powerful life that's been kept on hold, a life that involves having a new perspective, a new hope, and new patterns of behavior.

Oh, beware the fickle mood! One minute you see no value, but the next minute the proverbial light bulb goes on. Or in my case it took a week or so.

When I first got the book Same Life, New Story: Change Your Perspective to Change Your Life, I flipped through the pages and thought darkly, "Another boring devotional." (Just keeping it real here, folks). I put it aside and went on to other books.

Then a couple sleepless nights occurred. Last night especially--I woke up at 3:30am and could not go back to sleep. Harry saw me tiptoe into the office and wanted to be let out but I hissed at him, "Go back to sleep!" because one of us should have been snoring away. (I don't snore--just for the record).

I opened up Jan Silvious's book and found out that she was talking straight to me, in my language, addressing my deepest concerns. "Have you ever been stuck because you had to prove a point?" she writes. Uh, now that you mention it, Jan, yes. And I've been thinking about this very thing, lately. (You'll have to read chapter 1 to see what she means by this).

Every chapter begins with a pithy saying--straight to the point. And then it only goes deeper as she delves into subjects dealing with self-sabotage, and victim mentality and all those other topics that we really, really should be done with in our life, don't you think??

She's an excellent writer, a professional life coach, and if you take your time with this book, she'll become like a friend--the very best kind, the kind who wants the best for you even when you've forgotten what that is. She wants us to learn that "changing your perspective can truly change your life." God's been dealing with me about this: how I see things, how HE sees things.

I want to get a mountain top viewpoint. And for me, I began the climb upward when I got out of bed, sleepless and weary, but oh so ready to see things in a whole new way.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I receive books free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I am not required to write a positive review. The opinions I express are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Be Still, My Beating Heart

2011-02-10T15:36:00.004-05:00

Knight in Shining Armour Card, katespaperie.com

I was rummaging around in a cupboard and found an old photo of my husband (otherwise known as Safety Bill). I think it's his high school graduation photo.

High School is a point of contention between us because he liked me back then and I didn't know that he did.

Years later he got his chance to make his move when I needed a ride home from college for Thanksgiving break, and he gave me one.

I've been riding with Safety Bill ever since. And from looking back at old posts here, you know that he looks like a hunky contractor but drives like a ninety-year-old man. Another point of contention-- but we won't go into that one either.

All this to say....Valentine's Day is coming. For the calendar-impaired among us, it's this Monday, February 14th.

This year I'm not doing any fancy dinner for Safety Bill but I did buy him a soft wool scarf and he bought me a beautiful hard cover book (though he doesn't know, yet, that he did.) He's not the greatest in the gift giving department but I've gotten over that, finally. I had to account for the good foot rubs he gives, the way he does the dirty pots and pans that I hide in the oven (without complaining) and the fact that after twenty-six years of marriage, I still like what I see.

Sheltered from the Storm

2011-02-04T09:20:00.005-05:00

Last night was the first meeting of a group I've formed called Writers & Readers. Five of us gathered in my home, three Readers and two Writers. The idea for this group started after I had an "interesting" experience with an initial writers group I went to. I tried to join in there, I tried to grow, to learn and receive critique but the experience was rather like wading into the deep end of the shark-infested ocean with steak juice smeared all over you. After a couple times there, and feeling like I needed to toughen up some, I relayed my experience with this group to my best friend. Her response: DONT GO BACK THERE! Now, my friend "Mu" obviously likes me and didn't want to see me hurt or battered about, but more than that, she was concerned that I would lose all sense of accomplishment or ability if I went to a group that seemed to breed bitterness and frustration in the members and relished beating the hope out of any newcomer-writer that they could do anything right.

So Mu became my writers group: it was just us two meeting weekly over the months. Some would say that she was biased , being my best friend, and how could she offer good feedback and objective critique? But Mu always shoots pretty straight with me, and at the same time, has a way of couching all her critique in a crème brulée coating of tenderness (without the flame).

Also during this time, I picked up an interesting book about Toxic Feedback by Joni B. Cole. It's not just budding writers that have to worry about this problem because I've seen this everywhere: among sisters, among supposed best friends, at the workplace, in the Church, and even on the playground. Toxic Feedback is any kind of response to a question that sends a double message-- a sort of of yes followed by a debilitating No. It's a response that is meant to make you doubt yourself, or make you question your capabilities.

It seems like there are two kinds of people in this world with power: those who have the power to make you doubt yourself and those who have the power to encourage and build up. (There are those who don't do either, but then that's why they don't affect your life). It's not like you have to lie and fudge and gloss over reality in order to encourage someone when giving a critique. There's always something of value in any man's work; you can always find something positive or noteworthy to highlight. You don't always have to go for the jugular--unless you're the kind of person who feels stronger when you make others feel smaller.

So this new group met last night, and boy did we have fun! It helps that we had lots of chocolate and coffee and tea. And it didn't matter that one member got stuck in our snow crowded driveway. And even though the women didn't all know each other, we felt like instant friends within minutes. We were there to discover new talent, to hear the beginning of a story, to approve the good, to note the noteworthy, to concentrate on spurring one another onward. We had a great time; so much so, that we ran late.

I keep thinking about all the things my Dad did right, lately. As he becomes a man softened by age, less powerful in stature, the things of his life are evident: the five children he raised, the players he coached, the students he taught, the message he continually spoke. In our home, you weren't allowed to criticize someone without first giving two compliments. It was my Dad's way of tempering the harshness of the dagger we wanted to throw at someone first. Usually we'd toss out something like "Your hair is nice, you've got got nice teeth- but you're a jerk for taking stuff from my room!!" It kind of defeated Dad's purpose, the way we'd rush through the two compliments to get to the meat of our criticism or attack.

But I know what he was getting at--I see this now, more than ever. There's a great need in this world for safe places and safe people. We have shelters (and not enough of them) for battered women. But there are too few shelters for battered souls. Real Encouragement is needed--not the frosting of random compliments. Encouraging someone has to do with noting their heart's desire to use talents and gifts to the best of their ability. It's pointing out what they did right-- or what they wanted to achieve, even if they didn't. It's seeing beyond--and in spite of--the flubbed attempt. It's seeing behind the string of dis-attached words, the very meaning... the message they were hoping to convey.

Two Words: Jane Austen

2011-02-01T12:50:00.004-05:00

Another quazi-blizzard is here. This is a good day to go to England--not that the weather is any better there, and even in the summer time, I hear its iffy about getting any sunny days with blue skies and no rain in sight. But its England--land of teatime and Jane Austen. What more could you ask for??

And if you open the pages of Cindy Jones' debut novel, MY JANE AUSTEN SUMMER: A Season in Mansfield Park, you'll get to travel to England, participate in a literary festival's reenactment of Mansfield Park, and meet an enigmatic and intriguing potential love interest that you wouldn't expect.

The main character, Lily is no silly bird, and this story is not a lilting romp through superficial relationships. Slightly darker and deeper in nature, MY JANE AUSTEN SUMMER is a thoughtful reflective look at one woman's physical journey as well as her inward progress in coming to terms with the nature of true happiness.

As it snows outside, I'll just stay curled up in a chair and read through the book again-- if I can get past just staring at the beautiful cover! I was the lucky recipient of this book because of a blog giveaway, but it'll be on sale late March.

So, any Jane Austen lovers out there?

It's Coming

2011-01-27T10:44:00.005-05:00

This is what I love to see in the dead of winter: a bit of color. Makes me think that Spring has a chance of getting here after all.

I've been a bit contrary this year--haven't been posting as regularly, didn't do any New Years Resolutions, haven't made any lists. And I have to say I've never felt happier. I feel like this room from Elle Decor- bright, a bit wild,even. The older I get, the less I want to play it safe.

Now there's being safe and there's playing safe: two different things. I'm not talking about being stupid or taking foolish risks; but taking risks will never feel good. It will never feel safe to step out into the unknown.

So yeah, I think I'll try adding a punch of color into my life today, this winter, this year. I just have to envision myself sitting here on this lime-green love seat (which I've now decided is one of my favorite colors), put my feet up on this glass coffee table , and stare up at the ceiling--which I imagine soars pretty high-- and contemplate the possibilities.

I do believe they're endless.

A Delightful Look into the Mind of a Writer

2011-01-24T18:04:00.001-05:00

Storyland

2011-01-23T09:30:00.002-05:00

I'll be reading this book next, among several others. Why? One reason:

The title alone says it all.

Books, Books, and more Books

2011-01-19T16:17:00.004-05:00

Books....from the library, in big piles. I carry them to the car with a greedy smile. No one realizes I almost, literally, feast on words--and that some words are precious to the soul, fortifying. Undergirding-- which is a word you seldom hear.

I reflected on Psalm 37 all day. Beautiful words. And more than that, you feel God upholding you as you read; telling you, "Now, see? This is the way to look at your situation. Trust in me. Don't fret. Let Me handle it." Now those are words to take you through the day.

Books... that I'm writing; a second one in the works. The first one, a novel, that I marvel at still-- it rushed out of me in four and half months. I've had one Agent offer of representation, and though we almost matched in our goals, I declined. I look crazy, I know- but I didn't have peace about the contract, you see. And without peace, I'll stumble. I'll draw back, freeze up. So I'm still searching for the right agent. Trying to stay patient.

Books....that I'm reading. Getting ready to review. Jane Austen lovers- get ready! Those looking for some devotional depth, I've got a very interesting book coming my way and it'll get reviewed here. Books of all kinds, stories, words that will evoke a spark in us. And we need a bit of fire now that we're in the dead of winter.

Make a fire. Brew some tea. Draw close...and read.

Pavarotti "nessun dorma"

2010-12-31T11:08:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T10:51:00.005-05:00

This is just a quick shout-out to all my friends far and wide, near and dear. I have so much to share but for now can only take a minute to pause here, on this New Year's Eve and look at my life, look at my world, treasure the good memories, be glad that the bad ones are over, and step expectantly into the New Year with you all.

We go to bed tonight (well, the riotous ones will party all night, but I'll be snoozing by 12:02 I'm sure) and we wake up in a whole New Year. Amazing, isn't it?

So as I head off to bake some goodies for a party tonight at a friend's house, I'll be thinking of the wonders that lie ahead, the grace of God that will see me through another year, and the joy of the journey. (I hope I don't get too deep in thought or I'll burn whatever I've put in the oven.)

I'll probably be belting out the words to Nessun Dorma, attempting to hit the high notes, and thinking of you all ...because nobody shall sleep tonight.

Snoozing under the Christmas Tree

2010-12-22T14:45:00.005-05:00

As you can see by this picture taken last night, Harry is exhausted. Joy can tire you out, you know. And so can a college student who comes home for the holidays and stays up till the wee hours of the morning.

Harry is elated that Alex is home; elated and tired. He hasn't driven all over town or done any Christmas shopping or baking or decorating, but he's flat out pooped, just the same.

And now that his "boy" is back, Harry is shadowing Alex's movements, not wanting to miss a thing. He's had two late nights already and I can tell that by the time Alex returns to school, Harry will need a day at the spa. And so will I.

But neither us will get there.

Still, it'll be the merriest of Christmases!

May yours be bright with hope and scented with grace!

An Amish Love- Book Review

2010-12-18T14:32:00.005-05:00

An Amish Love is a beautiful book of three novellas by authors Beth Wiseman, Kathleen Fuller, and Kelly Long. This is a great gift book, perfect for Christmas or even for Valentine's Day. The stories are about old fashioned courtship and close-knit communities, and the book is full of Pennsylvania Deitsch expressions. Ach, you have to read the book to see what I mean!

Healing Hearts by Beth Wiseman is the story of a couple reunited but facing trust issues. A Marriage of the Heart, by Kelly long, is my favorite of the three stories because it's about marriage first, then the experience of falling in love! What the Heart Sees by Kathleen Fuller is a lovely story of triumph over tragedy.

I'm not the biggest fan of these types of love stories, but I know many women who are. In fact, there's a certain someone I'm thinking of who is going through a hard time and this book will be perfect for her to get her mind off her situation and step into a softer world of community and quilts, morning chores out in the barn, pancake breakfasts, and love...invincible love.

An extra sweet bonus is the section of Amish Recipes at the back of the book. I haven't tried baking them yet but they seem to be sehr gut!

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Sigh

2010-12-16T14:38:00.006-05:00

Here's my Christmas Wish List:

1. A little corner nook to curl up in with a good book and a cup of tea (PG Tips).

2. This bathroom here, if this was mine- I would never leave this room!

3. And here's where you and I would have our little chat. All we need is Harry lying at our feet!

4. And lastly, if my husband, Bill, can't get to building my dream house in time for Christmas, I guess I'll just take a subscription to House Beautiful!

To the Point

2010-12-14T09:46:00.007-05:00

A couple years ago when my husband Bill was doing some carpentry work for this sweet Italian man named Vic, Bill came home from work one day with a little saying of Vic's that we still use to this day. Bill had been telling him about a project he was working on and how he was almost done with it. Vic slapped him vigorously on the shoulder and said, "Good for you!"- but he meant this. He really did.He was beaming as he said it. His eyes lit up, Bill said.

Now Bill and I say this a lot. Over little accomplishments and big ones. To our children, to our friends. It's probably the modern day equivalent of that Scripture verse about rejoicing with those who rejoice.

I like things that get right to the point; sayings that are short and sweet... and powerful.

Back when I was pregnant with my son and we were living up in the White mountains of New Hampshire, there was another sweet, funny man in our life- Mr. Kaminsky. He lived below us on a little hill- you could see his house from our picture window. We had a hyper Springer Spaniel named Spenser who got loose quite frequently or would pull out of our grasp and go running through the streets and jump on people. But Mr. Kaminsky loved Spenser, and every morning there Mr. Kaminsky would be, tottering on his cane, very unsteady on his feet, standing out in his front yard and calling up to us, "Let 'em go!! Just let him go!!"

That's what we say to each other when we're flooded with worries or concerns- "Let em go!" That's what we encourage our loved ones with when they've got that anxious look on their face- "Just let 'em go!"

And then this week, I read Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird for the umpteenth time. I told Bill I'm in love with Anne Lamott. She can say the most brilliant of things in the most self effacing way. She gets right to the point about things, and in dealing with her own insecurity and pettiness, she touches on mine. Like the way she talks about criticism and how some people relish giving it to you. If someone is "too strident or adamant, ditch the sucker," she says, only partially tongue-in-cheek.

Then she shares the story of how she went shopping for a dress to wear on a date, and her friend Pammy went with her. Pammy was dying of cancer, in a wheelchair, wearing a wig. Annie kept trying on dresses , asking what every normal woman asks, "Do you think this makes my hips look too big?" and Pammy answered, short and sweet, to the point- "Anne? I really don't think you have that kind of time."

It just might be that these three pithy sayings are all you need to respond to someone. No matter what the problem is, what you're facing, what you're rejoicing over, what you're going through, one of these saying is appropriate.

For those celebrating today, for those who've won a victory- "GOOD FOR YOU!!"

For those of my readers overwhelmed with worries- "Let 'em go! Just let 'em go!!"

And for anyone dealing with spiraling morale or diminishing confidence, or for those questioning their sanity or capability (like I am), just look in the mirror and admonish yourself, "I really don't think you have time for that."

Christmas Gifts for the Taking

2010-12-09T12:04:00.003-05:00

Anyone having a tough time finding the right gift for someone? Financial problems keeping you from giving freely? Need some creative Gift Giving Ideas?

Well, welcome to my Boutique of Gift Ideas- all from the heart and not from the wallet:

1. One sixty minute counseling session. I'm serious about this: therapy is not cheap, and everyone has problems they need to work through (some of us more than others). Now remember, the best counseling is the quiet kind- where your mouth is shut, your heart is open and so are your ears. This kind of gift would involve you letting someone talk, get it all out, and then giving them a very big hug at the end. I would love this gift. And actually I get it, almost every morning when my husband lets me get it all out over coffee. But I probably couldn't give this gift unless someone taped my mouth shut.

2.Decision Maker for the Day- Yes, this is a weird gift but there are some indecisive people out there who can't get through the day without asking, "Now, what do you think? Should I?" and so, in this case, you'd spend the day nodding and naying, advising, and selecting. This works best when you've got an Opinion Giver with an Opinion Needer. Seriously, some people want input and some of us (ahem) have a lot of input to give.

3.Feature them in a Story This works for kids- of all ages. Who doesn't want to star in a movie or be the main character in a book? This gift idea works great for all you creative people. If the gift is for a child, make them the hero of a little adventure story. If it's for an adult, depict them in the way you know they want to be seen: wise, strong, bold, or caring. It doesn't have to be a long story. But it's very doable to put together a descriptive account of someone shining in all their strengths. Especially if you know someone going through a hard time, write a story featuring them, show them rising to the occasion, and give it a triumphant ending. Let them know you see them for who they really are.

Thanksgiving Discoveries

2010-12-02T09:48:00.007-05:00

We had a very quiet Thanksgiving Dinner- my son wound up not being able to get home for Thanksgiving Vacation, and it was just the three of us. Well, four- if you count Harry under the dining room table waiting for any scraps to fall.

Quiet doesn't mean bad- just different. Like the fact that the turkey had a different taste to it- slightly odd taste. Couldn't figure it out for the life of me. And then as I was cleaning up and getting ready to make some soup from the leftover bird, I found a small white waxy package of undesirable contents. Apparently my husband hadn't cleaned out the bird's cavity entirely when we were first prepping the turkey.

I'm doing a Roast Beef Dinner next Thanksgiving.

One is the Loneliest Number

2010-11-07T13:30:00.003-05:00

I'm reading a ton of books on the craft of writing fiction and enjoying myself immensely- not to mention, driving my husband and daughter crazy as well. I love all these helpful exercises ( just like I love to take those personality tests, strengths assessments, funny quizzes- like "what vegetable are you?" which we will have to do another day).

Anyhow, a recent exercise was to write about your earliest memory of happiness or your earliest accomplishment. I'm sure one of my earliest accomplishments was that of getting heard- as I was one of five children. But the memory that came to my mind was one from Kindergarten.

One day, Mrs. Zigo, my teacher, told us to come up to the blackboard, one by one, and write a number. Simple exercise, I thought. I went up and carefully drew a "2" and apparently it was more than elegant. The woman went bezerk over it, commending me liberally in front of the whole class and then telling me to go down the hallway and get my father to come and see this grand work of art(?) I'd just written. My father was a fifth grade teacher in the school. And he came in and nodded, yes, it was a nice "2" and then he left. His lack of ecstasy did nothing to diminish my joy because if Mrs. Zigo thought it was the most perfect 2 in the world, then it had to be.

So there are several conclusions you can draw from this story if you want to.

1. Teachers have the incredible ability of making a kid feel absolutely competent and alive with hope- and even if its kindergarten, you never forget how high you soared on the day you were noticed for the wonder you really are.

2. Two is, obviously, my favorite number. Has been ever since kindergarten. Just a bid of odd info for you here.

3. Lastly- In a world where Looking Out for Number One has been the norm, the number two can sometimes be the preferred number. Here's an example- on a picnic, would you like it be just yourself- or you and someone else? (Forget how hungry you are, we're trying to get at something profound here.) Would you like one scoop of Thanksgiving Day Mashed Potatoes or two? I thought so.

A wise man said it best: "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed." (Eccl 4:9)

So there's my earliest accomplishment. But really, it was Mrs. Zigo's accomplishment- she took the number two and turned it into something so much more.

Making Room for the Turkey

2010-11-04T19:23:00.003-04:00

This was the Thanksgiving table at my sister's house ...from last year. (There must have been another table nearby not shown in the picture because we are a huge extended family).

But everything changes, and this year we will be a rather disjointed bunch scattered across the map. I'm trying not to mourn this but its going to be a challenge doing the Thanksgiving Dinner at my house.

My problem is I have no room for a Turkey in my freezer or fridge. I've got more than just house cleaning to do now- I've got to start organizing and thinning out and using up the contents of my freezer to make way for the bird! So I'm baking up a storm again- bread puddings (to use up all the frozen loafs of bread), pumpkin chocolate chip cake (just because it's delicious), and baked macaroni and cheese (to use up all the shredded cheddar in the freezer).

So, again, if it takes me awhile to do another post, you'll know where I am and what I'm doing!

Imagine

2010-10-21T19:51:00.004-04:00

Okay. I'm not on top of things, at all- domestically speaking. You should see my kitchen sink, the counters, the oven (where I hide whatever dirty pots and pans that can't fit on the counters). You should see my home office- but I can't even find the camera to take a picture to show you.

So imagine. Imagine a mess, every where you look.

It's been four, almost five months of this. It's been several years in the making: a character who wouldn't leave my head, ideas that came to me in the night, mid morning, and especially when driving- when I had to scribble, one handed, on a corner of a coffee stained envelope or sometimes even on the back of my arm, and try not to kill anyone at the same time.

But- I'm three quarters of the way done with the first draft.

I'm writing a novel.

And since I don't have a photo up, imagine this: try to envision my face, because there's a big grin there. Huge satisfaction. Not that there's days when I'm not saying, "Oh this is just plain crap, crap, crap."

But for the most part, I'm on to something. I'm extremely, insanely satisfied.
The house can wait. (Well, it has to. Because I'm the boss, not the house. Just a hint for those of us who sometimes getting a little obsessive about our cleaning. Comment here if you want any tips on how to let go- in that particular area!)

More later!

Victory

2010-10-07T17:32:00.006-04:00

Okay, so I was going to start faithfully writing here again. But there have been things (distractions) conspiring against me. Bugs in my computer. Technical problems. A myriad of things. I could go on, but you get the idea- I've been relieved for this reprieve. Went back into my little chipmunk hole.

But the reason I came back to blogging here at Faith Fuel was to keep myself accountable. Otherwise, I might entirely disappear. (That's what happens to introverts when given too much free reign).

I hope to make these posts less intermittent. I hope to get down to the nitty gritty and talk about the things that have been happening, the ideas I've had, the challenges we've all been facing, the victories we've won. A victory can be seemingly small- like hauling myself over to the keyboard and writing this post.

But it feels good, however slight its ramifications.

So, there you have it. One small step ...in the right direction.

One Year Sabbatical

2010-10-01T07:50:00.004-04:00

It's been almost a year of silence. (Okay, I've only been silent in the blog world, but I'm still yammering away here at home. Ask my kids. Ask my husband. Ask Harry).

I can't tell you how good it's been for my internal storehouse. It is now replenished. Very much so.

I hope to catch up with many of you and plan on visiting your sites.

More posts to come.
I'm back!

The Last Post and The First Step

2009-10-09T19:44:00.005-04:00

Okay, so we are finally here at this moment of saying...well, not so much "good-bye", but "God Speed, my friend". I hope you don't mind that I dragged out getting to this point of the last post. I needed time to ease out of this and ease my heart over parting with blogging...for now.

It's the last post, but its the first step. It's my chance to decompress and de-web-ize myself. It's the first step back to anonymity and quietness and another step towards being still and knowing that, yes, He is God. He's in control. He's not that far away. Closer than you think. He makes us able to close doors and open new ones...without fear.

For those visiting, ironically perhaps, for the first time here, I'd like to suggest you browse through my old posts topically. Faith Fuel is still here to encourage, inspire, and help revive your faith, your confidence that God loves you and is looking out for you.

On the right side here, you can look through all my posts by clicking on the topic that most interests you. Whatever I share, and whatever I have shared, I do -and did- with the desire that you feel your faith being revived- if you ever feel weary.

And now I'm off to experience the abundant life. I'm pressing onward. I trust you all will too. And if I ever get stirred up to start a new blog, you can be sure I will post here any updates- in the future- if that should happen.

For now, I'm off to experience some quiet time. It isn't my voice that you need anyhow. His voice will always ring out clearly. It's amazing how sometimes you can even hear God in the most unusual of places, and at critical times.

I have loved chatting with you all. You all know that I'll miss you, my blog friends.

And now, I'm off, heading onward, higher, and always taking that first step... every single day.

Letting Go and Holding On

2009-09-28T16:27:00.005-04:00

Okay, this is my last book review here on Faith Fuel- and what could be more appropriate than to review Sheila Walsh's book, Let Go ?

Sheila writes in chapter 9, "One of the scariest things to do on this earth is to voice that we have a problem. Shame tells us to keep the secret, but then who is holding the keys to our prison? When we decide that it is time to tell, we find that the keys have been in our hands all along."

Well, here at Faith Fuel, its always been about sharing what's on my mind, sharing what I think is on God's heart for us, sharing with each other what we're struggling with.

I don't think any of us should ever stop sharing what we're going through. Sheila Walsh is right- that it's time to let go of the burdens and let go of the things that hold us back from experiencing the abundant life.

She is gutsy and in this book, and particularly in chapter17, she shares honestly her personal situation that prompted the writing of this book. That it involves tight finances, unforgiveness, and the flat emotions of depression easily helps any reader identify with the author- no matter how famous a speaker or Christian personality she is.

This is the gift right here in this chapter- the opening up of herself, her struggle to let go of "fixing" everything (I know all about that), to let go of mentally rehearsing what a good plan would be (my mind is exhausted, frequently, because of this very thing).

"When from the depths of our hearts we can tell God, 'I trust you,' heaven celebrates, hell shudders, and we are at peace." She's right. And one way I am expressing my trust in God is to re-examine where I need to march on, and where I need to wind down, close up shop, and be still. Just be still. Just keep my mouth closed and in silence contemplate the wonder of it all.

I'm letting go of baggage, of blunders I've made, of botched up plans. But I'm grabbing on to God's love even tighter. I'm holding on for dear life- but He says its for my own dear life that He is really the One holding on...to me.

Thank You, Alex

2009-09-25T19:03:00.005-04:00

It was almost 4 years ago that my son mentioned to me one day that I should write a blog.

"What in the world is that?" I asked him.

He told me it was like having a place of your own, on-line, where you share your thoughts and write about whatever you want to. He kept urging me to do one, to do a blog. I was going to say "Little did he know" but I think it was a lot that he knew.

And then instead of just explaining the blogosphere to me, he went a step further and set this one up- the one you see here. It was all because of my son that I opened up, came out of my shell, and talked to people all over the world about the things in life that confound us, the faith we want to capture for ourselves, and the connections we want to make with people and with God- if only we knew how.

Faith Fuel began because my son introduced me to not only blogging, but the part of myself that I would find here in these blog posts. Sometimes I would start writing about something, not knowing that I was wrestling with it deep inside. Sometimes I would find a great release, like a wind under me lifting me, if I went a little deeper, shared a little more honestly and out loud and here- on this blog.

My son reads this blog and has the posts automatically sent to him every time I update the blog. One thing that I feel truly sad about- about ending this blog soon- is that this connection between my son and I, this on-line connection, is coming to an end.

Maybe in the last couple months, when I first realized I didn't want to continue Faith Fuel anymore, maybe this is why I kept writing, kept pluggin away. It wasn't- and it isn't- a chore. But it is something that has come to an end, to a close. Just like the way my son brought his high school years to a successful close, and is now away, far away, at college.

When he first left for college, it wasn't just deep sadness I felt. It was fear- because I thought I was losing him. I felt the world calling him out of my arms and into its frenzy and its fun. You can't hold a child forever in your arms- even if you can always love him.

I feel sad about ending Faith Fuel only in the sense that I don't want to lose the connections I have made with so many of you. I don't want you to think I am pulling out of your lives. I am, instead, taking a quiet sabbatical, and finding not just my voice again, but the deepest desires of my heart.

My son, Alex, knew, and still knows, about the desire of my heart to encourage others through my writing. I'm so glad he introduced me to blogging, because in reality, he was introducing me to all of you who have visited Faith Fuel.

If you leave a comment today, please leave it for my son. Tell him that you're glad he got me started on blogging. Or tell him that he has a very opinionated mother and how in the world does he stand her?! Or tell him that you wish he could get his mother to be quiet! Or tell him that he's a wonderful, insightful, loving son who makes his Mom smile even when she's holding back the tears.

Greetings from Somewhere Near the Yukon

2009-09-22T18:47:00.005-04:00

Every year I have more admiration and empathy and respect for my parents, who raised five very different and opinionated children who are now extremely different and highly opinionated adults.

On top of all that child rearing, my dad was a fifth grade teacher. He taught young squirmy pre-pubescent kids for over 30 years. So on those days when he'd come home from school in a particularly bad mood, and something we did set him off, and he'd yell, "That's it, I'm leaving! I'm going to the Yukon"- I didn't blame him in the least. For wanting to leave. I just didn't understand the attraction that the barren Yukon had for him.

But I have had my days where I was ready to leave my house in a mess, my kids in their bad mood, and get me to someplace- anyplace- as long as it wasn't stuck where I was. So I began to understand the attraction the Yukon had for my Dad. Not to mention the fact that I got interested in the Iditarod and found the idea of racing sled dogs in an icy wilderness a most attractive idea.

But just to let you all know, I am not going to the Yukon. Not exactly. I am not marching off in a huff or in a disgruntled mood or even in a sense of relief that I get to get away from the blogging world. (Okay, I take that back- I think there is a little bit of relief at the idea of getting away from the Blogging world and getting very quiet and very unknown, if only for a little bit of time).

Instead of me marching off to the vast Unknown, think of me sailing off in a canoe, dozing and relaxing, while I wind up getting further away from shore and unafraid to do so. I'm sailing into Change, into Closure, into something way better than the Yukon. It's just that I don't know what it is called.

Ending Well

2009-09-20T11:45:00.004-04:00

There's a ton of courses and books out there about how to start a business, start a new career, start a promising relationship. But there's so little that teaches us how to end well. No one wants to talk about endings anymore, other than how to get a divorce, how to file bankruptcy, or something sad or difficult like that.

But what about how to end a blog? Or how to end a career to start a new one? How do we do that? How do we learn how to end well? Like Job, who died when he was old and full of days, I want to know how to end well.

Let me tell you a few things about this blog. This has never been a highly trafficked blog. It's had bits and spurts of traffic, and its had lots of inquiries about advertising. I only added the advertisements you see here, recently, because it was part of a potential writing relationship that required my blog to be monetized and set up for advertising.

Sometimes I think people have wanted to have the success they thought I had here. I have maintained a rather healthy life span of over four years writing this blog- and I know that many blogs don't make it that long. I have enjoyed the comments and the questions from readers. I love to know what people are thinking, how they are feeling, what they are dealing with.

I started Faith Fuel because I really wanted to inspire and champion the spiritual and concrete dreams we all have. There are not enough people cheering each other on, in this world. There is a lack of camaraderie and fellowship and encouragement. We need more of this.

But Faith Fuel was also started as a way for me to put into words what I struggle with, in my journey of faith, and what I know many of us struggle with. We all have fears. We all have times of doubt, and sometimes long seasons where all is dry as dirt.

How do I end Faith Fuel? I'm not ever removing the blog from the web. It will always be here, I think. But I will be ending, soon, in a month or two, the daily and weekly postings. How do I end this well?

I'm not ending it because it is flawed or because it has failed. I don't think this blog ever had a plan to succeed, but more of a plan to just be. I'm ending this blog because it has come to the end of its life span, of its usefulness in your life and in my own.

I'm not ending this blog with sadness. There's a smile on my face. But its like the smile my Mom has on her sweet face. She is falling more and more. Her health is failing. She is frail. And she is strong. Her life creeps to a close here on earth but its bursting into life at the same time as she sets her sights on heaven.

I want to watch movies all the time, lately. Not sure why except that I'm looking to see how something ends. Does it end well? I always ask that when someone tells me about a movie I should see. "How was the endingl?" I ask. I want to know if the movie ended abruptly or tragically or without hope- cause if it did, I don't want to see it.

I want to know about endings where things come together that you didn't see happening in the middle of the movie. I want to know how to succeed in finishing ...strong. The best movies I've seen lately, I am cheering inside throughout, and I see at the end a beautiful occurrence of grace. I might sigh and wipe the tears from my eyes, but I am smiling at the end.

Beginnings and Endings and the Important In-Between

2009-09-16T19:38:00.007-04:00

It's not unusual, that at a time that everything and every one is off to a fresh start (my son back at college down south, my daughter at a new public high school) , that I feel in need of one myself. A fresh start. It's like I'm an overgrown flowering plant, and I need a pruning and dead-heading (I believe that's what its called- not sure, because I don't have a green thumb. My nickname is plant killer).

I have loved writing this blog, and have never regretted the name of the blog. We all need fuel for our faith. We need shots of inspiration and doses of encouragement and buckets of grace to live a victorious life.

But lately, I just have this feeling like I am stuck in a rut, with not only my writing, but also what I write about. Sometimes I feel like there are new avenues for me to explore and I am holding on to too many things, too many roads that I've already traveled.

Faith Fuel is not ending. Not yet, at least. Not today at least. But I can't say that I will always be here, under this title, with that little fireplace widget flaming and brightening the page. I think there's new subjects, deeper explorations of various intriguing life matters that I may want to get into.

I'm getting old. But I don't want to age. I don't want to get set in my ways or set in stone, or God forbid, forget that when the stone was rolled away,that Life burst forth and is calling us onward, upward, higher...and to new terrain.

Let's Chat about That

2009-09-08T18:29:00.005-04:00

Fearless. Just the word itself makes you stand tall and boldly. Read Max Lucado's new book, Fearless, and you'll really get charged up. If he never did anything more than feel the need to address this crushing tidal wave that infiltrates society and our homes and our lives, he did a good thing. But of course Max Lucado did more than contemplate the topic of fear- he went on to write another solid book that many will love and savor and return to, time and again, when the force of fear strikes.

Chapter One was my favorite. I love how he depicts the story of Jesus and the disciples in the boat, and Jesus' "premeditated slumber...In full knowledge of the coming storm, Jesus decided it was siesta time...". Can you grasp that fact without seeing Jesus as heartless? If anything, maybe it was in view of our becoming bold and stout hearted that Jesus slumbers through a storm so our fears will arise and speak out and be known. He does want to know what we are afraid of. He can handle it. And He will handle it- whatever it is that is crushing us with fear.

One of the best lines of the book, and it's in chapter one, is when Lucado voices for us our problem with how fear takes hold of us- sometimes even as we are calling out to God. "We begin to wonder if love lives in heaven."

"If God can sleep in our storms, if his eyes stay shut when our eyes grow wide, if he permits storms after we get on his boat, does he care?" Yes, He cares- and somehow we've got to ask for Him to demonstrate this. He does not get offended when we do this.

For us to know that Love does indeed live in heaven, and that this Love will see us through what we go through on earth, we've got to tell God everything we fear. It's not just your blessings that you should count, it's also your fears- and perhaps its best if we "Name them one by one."

We've been told that what you concentrate on grows bigger. But it's also true that what you hide in the corner of your mind and heart surges in reality. Nothing goes away by pretending it is not there.

So tell God your fears. Talk about them with Him. It just may be that the more you tell God everything on your heart, that you will wind up being the one slumbering blissfully as He handles the raging storm around you.

Are You Hungry?

2009-09-02T19:58:00.004-04:00

I noticed that the happier I get, the more I talk about baking and recipes and cooking. And if you look closely at me, you''ll see that I don't really eat all that much (well, for the most part, I don't)- but that doesn't stop me from thinking of food and sustenance when I'm thinking of good times.

My Mom doesn't cook anymore. She doesn't do much of anything anymore except to smile and love you with those blue eyes of hers looking at you with quiet joy. But Mom used to fill our house, growing up, with food- lots of food, hot food, weird recipes, cream of wheat hot breakfasts, hot apple crisp for dessert. Mom cooked and cooked her way through all our ups and downs of family life. And she made me think that nothing could be better than to be loved well and be well fed.

I try to do that. I try to love my kids and my husband and feed them as though I had no other way to show love than to cook and bake for them. When I'm especially burden-free, I cook up a storm. The kitchen becomes a mess. I'm covered in flour. But I'm happy and there's something good to eat at the end of it all.

And at the end of a day, I want my loved ones to feel full: full of happiness, full of peace. I can't bear the thought of children starving anywhere. And I can't bear the thought of a child starved for attention either. There's something haunting about someone who aches for love and cries out to be noticed.

That's why I love that old hymn about "Bread of Heaven, feed me till I want no more... Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole". I realize that God is not only in the business of feeding His children, but He loves to feed us; He delights to feed us. We can open our mouths to heaven like little birds chirping in a nest and know that something good is coming every time we cry out to Him for whatever it is that we are, deep down, hungering for.

Back to Business

2009-08-31T18:44:00.002-04:00

Okay, I've stabilized. Not as close to tears all the time. I think watching My Fair Lady on DVD, with my daughter the other night, really helped cheer me up. I can't believe I still remember all the songs, all the words.

I've even danced around the house a little bit, in a light hearted way with heavy clumsy feet. But the key thing is to give in to joy any time it wants to spill out of you. And a couple of text messages from my son have given me the sense that we're really not miles and miles apart emotionally even if we are physically.

I have the feeling that this is going to be a wonderful year (and for me, the year seems to start in September with all the back to school, back to business type of movement that takes place). I'm already thinking of apple picking, making Chili, baking pies, Thanksgiving dinner new recipes that I can try- and I do try new recipes, much to my husband's chagrin, the day I have company over. I'm a daredevil. I'm adventurous. I'm up for a challenge. (That's my inner mantra going on).

God is giving me the spirit of an overcomer. And even though life is not just about overcoming obstacles and challenges, it does seem like you can't be too much of an Overcomer. There's no such thing as too much victory, I think.

Sweet Victory. Sweet Memories. Bright Hope. New Day. A Promising Tomorrow.

And throw in a luscious piece of chocolate cake (which I just ate), and you've got the makings of a happy camper who's about to take on another mountain...and with gusto.

Can't Write Much, I'm Cleaning

2009-08-28T18:13:00.003-04:00

I'm a yo-yo lately: I keep swinging between an overall sense of well being and a sense of sadness that won't go away. I've had a great summer. Surprisingly, it might have been one of the best summers our family has had. Not because of taking any big vacations (we didn't) but because we had a lot of togetherness all summer- harmony, peace. Never has it felt sweeter to be a family. Joyous. Creative.

Of course now that our son is back at college, we don't have that "together" feeling anymore. Thus, the sadness. It aches. And I thought it wouldn't- because this is his second year away at college.
But I still miss him so. Terribly.

He tried to help me not miss him. The last two days before he left were a bit stressful and Alex did his best to remind me of what a pain in the butt he can be. But he's a beautiful, wonderful pain in the butt- and I miss him. Still.

So I can't write anymore otherwise the sadness will engulf me. I've got to get busy. Start cooking. Vaccuum. Those things always distract me. And if I clean long enough, it'll soon be Thanksgiving and then we'll all be together again. Family. Joyous. Creative. Making Pizza. Wonderfully Together.

Short and Sweet... and Sad

2009-08-26T18:33:00.001-04:00

I miss my son.

Special Arrangements

2009-08-20T19:36:00.005-04:00

I love Country Home Magazine and other Home and Decorating magazines for this very reason you see here: this gorgeous photo of a floral arrangement I doubt I could ever "arrange." But I'm good at staring at beauty and salivating over it.

I'm also good at arranging things such as dates, appointments, reservations when making a trip, prompt bill paying, and packing.

You should see the great job I did of packing up my son for college. He doesn't care about things like clean boxers and contact solution and medicines all labeled in a box. But I care. I care about these things. And I know he'll care when he gets a cold or runs out of clean laundry or when I get the phone call and he'll ask if I packed his contact solution because he can't find it. And I'll tell him, "Yes, Alex, I took care of all that. It's all there. It's all been arranged."

I'm a Mom- and like the title of this Country Home photo "Special Arrangements"- I make special arrangements every day. I'm proud to do so. I don't see them as menial tasks. These are the profoundly simple but beautiful things I do to show that I care. They don't have to see it this way- the people for whom I make all these special arrangements. I just have to remember that these simple tasks I do are for special people I love and arranged out of love.

Back to School

2009-08-15T16:58:00.004-04:00

This is going to be one busy week. I don't know why I am doing all this laundry and sorting and packing because when my son gets back to his college campus down south, it'll be the end to all that neat organized arrangement of things. His clothes will be everywhere. He will be everywhere (on campus and off campus on his jaunts to concerts). And I will be back here, up north, missing him, and wondering how he is doing.

But hey, I'm a veteran now. This is his second year away from home, at college. This is my second year of missing him but also enjoying the fact that my son is launched, off and running, on his way, and all those other cliches that let you know one era of life has ended and another has begun.

But I'm happy. I'm not crying or mourning the fact that he's leaving. He's as much part of my heart as ever, even though we spend more and more time apart. This is what it means for him to be an adult, and this is what it means for me to be the mother of a child-now-adult.

What it also means is that my praying has changed. How I pray for my son, now, as opposed to when he was a child, is so different. I pray for him to have wisdom, good judgment, sober thinking- because I don't need to pray that he'll enjoy life and grab it by the tail, cause he's already doing that.

And so I'm going to live well and strong as well. There's a lot more for me to learn and experience- even if I'm not at a college campus.

Autumn Aspirations

2009-08-10T19:08:00.006-04:00

Because Fall is coming, soon- and you can almost feel it in the air-
I may just start:

-posting recipes for apple crisp and apple pie and apple turnovers

-getting out my boxes of fall/winter clothes and remembering what I have (it's like Christmas 'cause you're pulling things out of the box and exclaiming, "Oh, I love this sweater! I forgot I had it!"

- looking at new recipes for chili

- baking bread, again, daily- and not caring that the kitchen is steaming hot

- making a Christmas shopping list

- getting back to work on my book (it's a novel)

- thanking God that through every season we go through in life, He is there, with us, leading us ... onward.

From One Season to the Next

2009-08-07T19:48:00.003-04:00

I'm sporadic in my posting lately, I know. It's just that I've been busy, racing around, involved in a lot of things. Instead of the lazy hazy days of summer, I am experiencing more of a Spring time renewal. Things are growing: like some new relationships I have, possibilities for income, my Meyer Lemon tree sapling my brother Mark gave me, and my appetite (for some reason I want corn on the cob almost every night for supper, and then lots of salty popcorn later on in the evening).

In less than a month, our daughter will celebrate her 15th birthday, my husband will drive our son back to college (a lo-o-o-ng 14+ hr journey) and my husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. I'll probably be playing that song "Celebrate good times" loud and clear.

I'm encouraged by the newly found interest my son, Alex, has in good health- and hoping that we won't have any trips to the emergency room this coming year because of his asthma or bouts with pneumonia. Not if my Dad can help it: he has loaded Alex up with bottles of vitamins and fish oil pills, and I'm sure the bags of nuts, seeds, and dried fruits will be coming next. It's a good feeling when others are aiding you in your pursuit to strengthen your child- even if your pursuit is practically pushing good nutrition down their throat (it's all out of love, trust me).

It's almost mid August, and I'm not sorry at all that summer is coming to an end. It's been a good summer, a healing summer. We never did get to the ocean for our annual vacation. It was tight financially for a while. But it was never tight or thin with lack of love. There's been a lot of joy, togetherness, pizza making, celebrating (even if its just celebrating the little things). It's been a rich summer, golden and bright with hope.

And Fall being the Harvest season, and somewhat visible already, has me feeling very expectant, very alive with hope, and very much glad to be alive.

Dangerous Prayers

2009-08-04T07:16:00.007-04:00

These last couple days I feel like I've been galloping on a fast horse, hanging onto my hat, and yelling out, "Whoa!" as I go thundering through interesting terrain at a hundred miles an hour. I'm not calling out Whoa so that the horse will stop- it's actually more an exclamation of surprise, wonder, exhilaration and a bit of mystical fear- all at the same time. Amazing things have been happening in my life lately. Absolutely amazing and surprising things. It's been an exhilarating ride.

It could be that I have been praying dangerous prayers, not realizing that they are dangerous. I don't mean dangerous as in bad, but dangerous as in risky, explosive, powerful. I didn't think of myself as a Risk Taker with a capital R, but I've stepped into the realm of Faith and miracles and unexplainable occurrences. And it all started when I delved into the real meaning of faith, doubt, skepticism, and unbelief. I found out where I am in that rushing current- and discovered that though I am prone to being skeptical and mistrusting, I don't want to be that way- and that counts. It counts as being one step closer to walking in Faith.

It really does matter what you want to be- even if you are not already expressing that reality. I want to be a trusting child, quick to perceive and believe the good that God has in store for me. I am becoming that trusting child- even if I am forty something years late in the process.

I looked back through my journal this morning and discovered that over the last couple weeks I was praying about Faith and deciding to walk in Faith; deciding to not only be a believer but be a big, bold believer. Here's some of the prayers I've been praying:

"I believe in Your perfect timing, Lord. I trust that You arrnage things perfectly. Please be pleased with my faith, Lord"

"I'm going to declare, Lord, that 'I hear the sound of abundance of rain' even though I'm speaking this in the midst of a drought." (1 Kings 18:41)

"Open my eyes to see the unseen realm of Your resources, Lord"

"I am ready to believe you Lord" (John 20:27)

"I am going fishing, Lord- even though I am discouraged" (John 21)

"I will launch out into the Deep- because I believe You, Lord"

"I will pursue knowing you, Lord" (Hosea 6:3)

And the most dangerous and explosive of prayers is when you declare this- because you really, suddenly, truly believe it-

"I really do believe that with You anything is possible!"

(And by the way, these are just the prayers that I've been praying. Who knows what others have been praying for me?!! Oh, the things we don't know and the things we don't yet see!!)

And You Shall Receive

2009-08-01T13:45:00.004-04:00

Yes, it's true: we often have not because we ask not. But then again, we often find when we're not even looking- because sometimes we just don't know what we're looking for.

I am always looking for answers, I know that. It's just that sometimes I don't know the questions I am subconsciously asking God- and thankfully, He does. He does know what I am always looking for, what I am in need of, what I need right now.

After my phone call, the other night, from my friend who was in need of some serious prayer, I got thinking about how her problem with her teenager began, at some point, and she probably didn't know a problem was beginning. She couldn't really "see" something bad beginning.

But lately I have seen that I don't often see when my Answers are beginning- the Answers that I have been praying for, as well as the Answers that I didn't know I was requesting.

God reads our signs for "Help" no matter how misspelled they are or how misplaced they are. He can see when we are asking for help even when we don't realize we are. I am seriously encouraged by that.

I've begun to get quite comfortable with asking God, approaching Him, requesting help from Him. I'm becoming an Ask-er. No, that's not right. What do you call a person who asks God for help...a lot? What do you call someone who goes speedily to Him without worry that they are bothering God? What do you call someone who has no problem approaching God with every little thing that is on their mind?

Maybe you just call this person His child- His very loved and precious child. And that's what every single one of us can be. Just ask Him -and He'll tell you it's so.

(Photo credit: freerangestock.com)

For Her

2009-07-29T18:10:00.004-04:00

I'm still kinda reeling from my phone call last night with a friend who I haven't heard from in a year or so. We became close, years ago, when I was living in her town (see, it was never my town because I had a feeling I was not going to be living there forever).

She and I are nothing alike and yet very much kindred spirits only because I care about family and my relationship with God with the same intensity she does. She called me last night because she was at the end of her rope. I loved how she did not even try to make small talk and try to catch up with me first before she plunged into the details of the agony and the trial she was going through- all because of a child, one of her children. It might as well have been one of mine- that's how I groaned inside over what her daughter was going through.

We talked for a long time. There weren't any answers to be given, or any recognized solutions, except the request I made that she try to talk more with her daughter about what the root of her pain was.

At the root of it all, at the bottom of it all- that's what we have to get to. We have to. Because if we never get down to the deep dark dirt of what we're really reacting to or running from, we don't know anything except that we are flailing and falling and nobody knows why.

I told her I would pray. And I don't mean the kind of prayers that are neat and nice and sweet. I mean the kind of prayers where you are warring, travailing, beseeching God, not letting Him forget for a teeny tiny second that we need His help, that we have to have His help, and that there must be a way for Him to make a way...for her.

My Favorite Thomas

2009-07-27T07:39:00.005-04:00

I have a nephew named Thomas who is the most agreeable teenager- always cheerful, capable, successful in his studies and athletic pursuits. I wonder, sometimes, if his temperament is prone to being basically trusting, optimistic, and therefore, a bit happy-go-lucky. This type of temperament probably has its weaknesses in other areas, perhaps; but certainly not in the area of being agreeable and quick with good will toward others.

I don't know what the historic famous Doubting Thomas was like, temperament wise- but we all know, from here to eternity, that he doubted. He really had a hard time acknowledging the risen Jesus as just that- risen.

Jesus told him "Stop doubting and believe" and I've been thinking, then, that maybe it's been quite unfair to always refer to him as Doubting Thomas when in reality, he became a real Believer. A big believer. So much so that they say he was the only Apostle to go outside and beyond the Roman Empire in order to proclaim the good news of the Gospel. Now, that's what I call a believing believer!

To go from being doubtful and not trusting to being trusting and believing is no small thing. It might just be one of the most herculean of accomplishments. It might just be the thing that I want most, right now, in my life. This is where I want to grow. I'm a believer- but I want to really believe, be quick to believe, and be ready to believe.

Another version words this admonition this way "Be not ready to disbelieve but to believe" giving us the understanding that there is an inner preparation we can do to become the kind of person who is quick to believe the things of God. Are you ready to believe? Or are there suspicions and fears in you that get activated every time you hit a faith situation requiring something more than rote procedures?

If God is moving in your life, one way you'll know He is has to do with the number of opportunities you seem to get to either believe for good, trust Him that He wants to help, see Him make a way where there seems to be no way. Count the number of problems you're facing, and you can also count the opportunities for miracles, for faith being activated, for God being pleased- because it's either trust Him that He's ready to take you successfully across this mountain of a problem or pull back in unbelief, think twice about all those verses proclaiming His love and care, and keep your eyes on the looming problem, and not on Him.

I can easily be a Doubting Thomas- but I've lately decided that I can also be- if I choose- the Thomas who went beyond the safe regions to go where no Apostle had gone before. I could be the one who started to doubt easily and decided that what good does that do? Doubting is easy. Doubting is something that comes naturally to us. But believing and trusting is for those who want something more powerful than every day mundane living.

I'm ready to believe God in such a way that I won't miss out on the chance to become something I know I should be: fierce in faith, committed to a higher path, in need of godly oxygen- because it's onward and upwards and there's no turning back. I have decided.

When You're Unclear ........................... about Faith, Doubt, Fear

2009-07-22T08:29:00.008-04:00

On a more serious note (well, certainly more serious than how to avoid baking disasters - see last post) I never realized how many forms of unbelief were out there. And not just "out there" but in me as well. Seeds of doubt and seeds of faith have been germinating deep inside me and now I'm paying the price for this ruinous combination.

You just can't go forward in life- when you're taking steps backwards at the same time. Without realizing it, I have been participating in a dance where confident belief takes the first step, doubt and hesitation take the next, reproach for my unbelief takes another forward step, and then downright skeptical and harsh unbelief go next. This is an ugly dance. (What can I say? Not since my disco days have I been noted for any grace on the dance floor.But back in the late '70s and early '80's, I was quite the thing, whirling around on the dance floor and feeling alive while I dance to "Staying Alive").

It isn't just making a decision about my daughter's place of schooling that has got me in a tizzy, but add to that employment and financial decisions, not to mention our house on the market and whether we should "push" harder to get it sold, and I've got a number of decisions to make. My husband and I, together, have these joint decisions, and then we each, separately, have our individual career paths to consider.

So I've been praying. Slightly pleading. And proclaiming a lot of God's promises. And then perjuring myself when I doubt and reconsider whether God is really on my side. Oh, I know He loves me and all that, but sometimes there's something in me that suspects God's love is a tortuous type that majors in trials and minors in grace.

I've been studying these words, trying to get to the root of them: Faith, Doubt, Unbelief. I never knew there were so many ways one could disbelieve God- but there are. You can downright refuse to believe, or you can start out believing and then waver in unbelief, or you can believe God and then reconsider whether you were right to believe a certain thing, or you can reconsider and suspect that God is after something else in you.

The more introverted type- such as I am- tend to do a lot of inner thinking that surges and rises and torments, and nobody knows that you are exhausting yourself to death in trying to figure out what to do, what to believe, what decision means you are operating in Faith.

There are at least four words, in the New Testament, that have to do with the word doubt or unbelief- but that have distinct definitions. You can't just tell someone not to doubt without explaining what Doubt looks like, and what Faith would mean in their situation.

There's lack of faith or being uncertain in faith- before you make a decision. Then there's a type of unbelief that has to do with lacking confidence in God's will to help you, or His ability to help you. Then there's skepticism- which causes you to reconsider your faith , your prayers that you sent up with smoke signals and lots of pleading. And then, of course, there's the worst kind of unbelief which is the obstinate refusal to believe God, a superior type of thinking that mocks God's abilities when compared to your own.

I imagine there's countless ways to believe and to disbelieve God. But at the root of our expressed faith or unbelief are the reasons why we will, won't, choose to, can't, wish we could, BELIEVE GOD. Everyone has a unique set of circumstance, personal history, mounting inner conflicts, and reasons why they are where they are- when it comes to walking in faith and moving mountains by faith.

Here's where I encourage myself. It seems God deals more stringently with those who refuse to believe or are skeptical to believe. (Repentance is the prescribed cure for these nasty expressions of arrogance or bitterness). Then there's God's gentle wooing ways with those who are confused (and we do a great job of confusing ourselves), and with those who are vacillating- like Peter who confidently stepped out of the boat, in faith, and began walking on water and THEN realized he wasn't a water-walker by birth. Faith rises up and tells us we can be more than what we were- and Doubt reminds us that what we were was, at least, safe.

So what I am now doing is every time I am battling doubt, fear, unbelief, as I try to make some big decisions, I question what is at the root of it all. Is it an issue of what I can do, or an issue of my estimation of God's ability and His will or intention towards me? Am I dragging my feet when it comes to trusting Him or am I refusing to trust? Cause where I fall and stagger, He is merciful. But where I stand and fold my arms across my chest in stubborn refusal to believe or even try, He is not pleased. He is not running towards me- because I am not running towards Him.

So never mind the actual decisions I need to make. I gotta get down to the nitty gritty root of my decision-making system. It beeps a red alert when Doubt rises and Skepticism grows. And I've got to pay attention to how I decide, not the where and the when. Because the question of Faith (do I operate by it?) is the question that's answered by how we're living right now.

What a Recipe!

2009-07-21T09:03:00.004-04:00

It was a work of art: a triple layer, homemade apple spice cake with layers of frosting and a an extra thick coating of frosting on top. I was kinda proud of my accomplishment. And of course, as usual, I had not exactly followed the directions to a T. Which of course yielded a variety of reactions.

"Delicious!" my friend Mary Ann said (and it sounded sincere- her praise). She asked for the recipe and began copying it down.

My daughter took a bite and said bluntly, "The frosting has a funny taste to it."

My son ate it. Downed it, is more like it. And asked for seconds.

My appraisal of it? Well, come to think of it, the cream cheese frosting did have a slight kick to it. A bite to it. I didn't think anyone would notice if I added a little sour cream to the frosting when I was whipping it up. I had run out of cream cheese, and didn't think I had time to get my son to drive to the grocery store and buy some for me. So on my own (belligerently independent and crazily creative) I add a big dollop of sour cream, thinking that "it's white, thick, creamy in texture- this should work!".

I won't do that again- add a bit of sour to something sweet. At least, not if I can remember in time not to do so. But realistically speaking, I'm sure this will happen again.

Not with a cake recipe, but with a relationship. One sour remark can affect a sweet relationship. But here's where I take heart: no relationship is ever that sweet, that perfect, that it cannot withstand a bit of sour reality.

The relationships I value the most are exactly the ones that have withstood the tough times. These relationships have seen me at my best and my worst- my sweetest moments of grace and composure, and my sour moments of impatience and sharp critique.

Lately I've been valuing these dear ones in my life. They are the ones who eat my crazy botched up recipes (thanks, family), come over and hang out with my husband and I (thanks Tony and Mary Ann), meet me at a cafe for coffee and conversation that always gets me back in my saddle again (thank you, Mu).

These people share with me their painful moments so that I am not alone in mine. They let me know that as imperfect as I am, there's something worth pursuing when they see me, contemplate knowing me, and decide the sweet and the sour are all part of the recipe.

The Wisdom of Solomon

2009-07-16T08:30:00.004-04:00

I have a decision to make about one of my children. Nothing big. Just a decision that will affect the rest of her life. Just a decision that will affect her level of confidence, her outlook, her sense of self. She's 14 going on 15. Ask yourself this: what was the most pivotal time period in your life? What time period would you most want to re-do and get right? Where did the hurt and handicaps come in? Chances are it was the period in your life between age 12 and 20: the teenage years.

My husband and I need to decide where our daughter should go to school next year. Where should she spend her high school years? Should we continue homeschooling? Should we try the local but humongous public high school in town? If we could come up with the money, should we go back to private Christian school?

It's not a question, so much, of where would she get the best education. Your teenage years are not just about getting the best education. Ask anyone who had a hard time as a teenager- "Yes you felt suicidal and you had no friends but did you get a good education?!!" and they'll look at you like the nutcase you are.

Healthy minded people value education as much as they value a sound mind and an active, normal social life. Navigate the teenage years, again, and tell me what you want to get right this time. Do you want to memorize more Shakespeare quotations or do you want to be the kid with the friends and the smile on his face? Do you want a higher GPA or do you want to make better choices in relationships and involvements? Do you want more courses this time, or more positive experiences where you grew in confidence and strength of purpose?

Is it just me, or were our teenage years more powerful, problematic, and pivotal than our parents first realized? Back when I was a teenager, everyone went to public school. You just put up with what ever was going to come your way. No parent wrestled with choices of education and things-that-can-go-wrong like we do now.

Of course the catastrophes, back then, were somewhat limited to teenage pregnancy and drug addiction. Now you can add in a huge increase in teenage suicide, anorexia and bulimia, cutting and self-mutilation, all kinds of sexually transmitted diseases, bullying to the point of inducing suicide. Oh, it's a beautiful life.

Now I'm not saying this runs rampant in every high school. There's a lot of wonderful things happening in school as well. It's just that there's a lot we parents see and there's a lot we don't see or don't hear about. You really need the wisdom of Solomon to help navigate your teen through the teenage years.

You need to be pro-active and discerning- but you mustn't be paranoid and overly protective. You need to challenge your kid to stand up and grow in confidence- but you also need to know when the bruised reed is breaking. I know so many parents where their child broke under the strain of something, and they did not see it happening till the final crack.

Apparently this wisdom of Solomon is something we can also have- according to James 1. If we lack wisdom, we're supposed to ask God for it. He's supposed to give it to us- and give it to us without ridiculing us or mocking us for how uninformed and unprepared we are to deal with things. The one caveat is that we are supposed to ask in such a way that our belief of receiving it is evident. No fooling God.

This kind of wisdom we are asking for is not a mystical crazy eight ball that helps us make our choices with a flick of the wrist. It's a practical wisdom. It's prudence (an old fashioned word). It's having the right application of knowledge. It's insight into the situation you are facing.

It's not just the teenage years that are so critical. Anytime you are dealing with a situation of many sides, many challenges, many chances for error- you need wisdom. You need it badly.

I often think of King Solomon and all his splendor (and all his wives- no wonder he needed wisdom). I think of the times in which we live. I think of all the choices and all the catastrophes and crises that people face. I think of how we need wisdom more than ever. And then I contemplate how much wisdom do I already have? Is wisdom really even quantifiable? Can I even tell when I am operating in wisdom?

These are the questions I have that I'm not even sure Solomon himself could answer. I need to make some decisions. I'd like to know the future outcome of what I decide before I decide it- but that's not gonna happen. So what I'll do for now is keep holding my hand out, my head up, my eyes open, and ask and search for that wisdom like a hound on a rabbit scent.

The hope I have is in the generosity of God's plan to give that wisdom. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

I think God's going to hear from me a lot more than He ever did from Solomon.

So You Think You Will Dance?

2009-07-15T07:55:00.005-04:00

Maybe it's because he's seen my mother , his grandmother, so shaky and frail that he got a bit alarmed at what happens as we age. Or maybe my son is going to be a future fitness tyrant enthusiastically barking out orders to flabby flailing people trying to get in shape. Whatever the reason, Alex has decided that I must get in shape; that my bones are weak, my muscles minuscule, and nothing will change about this unless he helps me.

Help me, he does. He texts me throughout the day, "Have you done your exercises? Have you done your push ups?".

I text him back- "Leave me alone. I'm reading". And I smile, shake my head, get up, and then drop- and do 10 push ups.

Ah, the joys of doing what you should do- because someone is making you do it.

I'm glad, though, that he's gotten me into this daily habit. I feel stronger. I'm flexing my little arm muscles a lot and gleaming with joy over my accomplishment. I am woman. I am strong. I am under house arrest if I don't do my exercises.

At least I can accomplsih this. Even if I can't navigate the career path, the Path to Your Success- at least I can become less flabby and more firm, resolute, fixed on being a muscular mom and not a marshmallow of a thing that ages more rapidly than I should.

I'm exercising. I'm working out. And it only happened because someone made me do it. Someone harassed and hounded me to do it- and it was for my sake that my son did all that prodding. It's for my good. The more I work out, and see the results, the more I'm glad I'm doing it.

I think that this happens a lot, in our lives. Sometimes we start doing something we never intended to do. We wound up doing it because someone intervened, the circumstances became such that we had to, or we were given a loving push off the cliff and found out we could...fly. Or rejoice, if we had to. That's what the prophet Habakkuk tells us.

^{3: 17,18} Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.

Because of the devastation due to the Babylonian invasion, this was a bleak time for the believers. I think of the devastating economy and unemployment figures and notices of plants closing and I think, yes, it seems like an invasion. Bad news poured in and pillaged our land. Nothing is blossoming and blooming- like it used to.

And then we read the prophet saying, "YET...". Yet will I rejoice. And more than that, he says, "I will joy in the God of my salvation." Literally, it translates out to something like "I will dance for joy in the God of my salvation."

I've seen people holding signs, "Will work for food" when I've visited spots in the inner city, and even when I was living in Spain, years ago. The things we will do- when we're hungry. When we're out of luck, out of hope.

But in this passage, it's like the prophet is saying, "Things are bad. They're so bad and so bleak, that I'm out of hope. YET, I'm that desperate for a morsel of goodness, a mouthful of sweet sustenance, that I'll do anything. I could say, 'Will work for food'- but there's none to be had. So instead, I'll declare, 'Will dance for joy'- cause I may just need joy more than anything else."

I consider doing this. I think of how I've been working out... for the sake of getting muscles. And then I think, no, that's not right. I've been working out for love's sake. My son cares about me. He worries about me getting old and frail and falling. He wants me to be strong. So he prods me to work for muscles. Work out for strength. So I do. I post a sign as I start exercising: "Aging woman. Will work for muscles. "

Then I put on some loud boisterous music and stretch out some more, take a deep breath and exhale. I look up. Heavenward. I post another sign- that I want God to read. "Tired Christian. Will Dance for Joy."

And then I start dancing with great expectation at what will come next.

Take a Deep Breath

2009-07-13T08:14:00.004-04:00

Wonderful things and terrible things happen in the middle of the night. Every mother knows this. Oh, the thoughts that run through your head at that time of the night- namely 3am- when your 19 year old son is not home yet: you think of the worst, pray for the best, and get ready to give that kid of yours a real talking to when he finally does drive in at 4am.

Only as soon as I heard his car pull in, I turned over in bed, heaved a sigh of relief and a prayer of thanks, and decided to give him the talking-to at lunch time. Or whenever he was going to wake up and tell me all about the concert he went to and how great it was and didn't-I-like-his-t shirt and all that. He'll smile at me and kid me about my overwhelming concern for him, and I'll sigh and roll my eyes at him and care only that he is alive and well and testing the boundaries of freedom, safety, and life. That kid of mine keeps me hurdling through life, yelping out prayers, looking upward with frantic eyes at times, and stumbling...forward...hopefully.

Now my soon-to-be-15 year old daughter does just the opposite. She organizes me. Prods my memory. Reminds me to take the bread out of the oven before I burn it. Cleans her room routinely and smiles while she does it. Tells me not to forget the doctor appointment. And all that. Her way of grabbing life by the throat and engaging it is not quite the way my son does it. Hallelujah for the small reprieves God throws our way.

But I do learn from both my kids. My son teaches me to take the foot off the brake and press on the gas. My daughter reminds me of the safety of stop signs. It's like I have two voices reminding me to "Get going!" and "Go safely" all at the same time- and I'm not sure you can always do both.

You can't always navigate safely and avoid all danger. Sometimes you can avoid a good amount of trouble- but you shouldn't think you'll never have a sleepless night or a frantic day of waiting for good news. But nor should you think that careful planning and good thinking can't help you sail on a little more safely and surely- even as you sing "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life".

Good mental health is the awareness that life is a bit dangerous- and that you don't develop a sick love for danger, but maybe a bit of respect for the way that danger makes your heart beat faster to the point that you remember how very alive you are. Too much safety and sameness can make you as powerful as a clogged drain and as dull as an overstuffed cat.

Speaking of cats, my gardener brother is thinking of getting one (or a dog) so that his garden won't be overun with voles. But after yesterday, I think I wouldn't mind having a couple of those cute mice-like creatures in my backyard (especially since I have nothing growing there but weeds).

I saved the life of a vole yesterday. As soon as I spotted it in my brother's garden, I regretted exclaiming what I saw because my brother protected his green organic paradise with a vengeance. I pleaded for its life.

"We'll have to move it far away from the garden, then- if you don't want me to kill it" he said.

I grabbed an empty pail and he prodded it and plopped it in the pail. It was still.

"You gave it a concussion!" I wailed.

"Nah, he's just staying quiet cause he's afraid".

Fear not, I thought compassionately- trying to convey to this creature that it would not end badly. But how do you let a little vole know that though he feels in great danger, that the hand holding the bucket is a gentle one- not a striking one.

We drove down the street, pulled into a little parking lot next to some woods, opened the car door, and turned over the bucket. The vole sat there. Stunned. Dazed. Afraid. Delirious with joy, perhaps. He was alive. The moment of danger had passed. He would go on another day.

And that's what I'm doing today.

So Tell Me About Yours

2009-07-09T09:02:00.005-04:00

It's a bit misleading: the photo, in the last post, with "Family" staring out at you, and me talking about "throw it away, throw it away". I wasn't alluding to throwing away your family- but there are times when I've wanted to run away from them. From my family. The one I grew up in- not the one I have now.

The family I have now is of my own choosing, for the most part. There's my husband, Bill, and my two kids, and our dog, Harry- otherwise known as Harry Berry, Boo Bear, or just Boo. This is my family. And while God picked out the two kids He gave us, I am in complete agreement with Him that these are the two children I would most want to have out of the heavenly pickings that I suppose there were.

But the family I grew up in- well, I had nothing to do with selecting them. And they would say amen to that too. We're a motley bunch. There's five of us kids- now grown adults with kids of our own, except for my one bachelor brother who, I doubt, will ever marry and have kids. His choosin', you know. One of us is a strong choleric leader, one is a quiet gardener, one is bossy and loyal, one is tender and opinionated, and one is helpful and needy of attention.

The older I get, the more I don't really get along with them that well; we don't see eye to eye on things. But I see, now, why this is so: it's because I'm still changing and they've changed and we keep forgetting that fact. We keep wanting to see each other as we once knew each other, instead of getting used to learning who each other is becoming.

Sometimes it's a bit lonely being surrounded by people who supposedly know you, and at the same time, don't know you. With the exception of one brother, we all live within five miles of each other. But we're not the Brady Bunch or Little House on the Prairie.

I loved those T.V. shows when I was little. I have always loved the Ideal: the idea of an Ideal Family, an Ideal life. There seemed to be no end of families I knew that were ideal or almost perfect. Or so I thought. Then as the years passed, the idea of the Ideal got tarnished, thank God.

I think one reason why people tend to confide in me about their sorrows or struggles or strained homelife is that I don't ever get surprised at what can go wrong in a family. I'm not surprised, very often, at what can go wrong in any enterprise, any group or church or unit of people. If there's a bunch of people, there will be a bunch of opinions, ideas, and varying expressions of thought.

Expect variety and expect the unexpected when it comes to family life. Forget the idea of there being a black sheep in every family; cause most likely there'll also be a polka dotted one too. Sometimes I'm the rebel in my family and sometimes I'm the peace maker. And sometimes I forget who I am, when I'm with them, and sometimes I remember who I am because of being with them.

One thing I'll always be is a part of them. That's because it was God's choosing- many years ago- and lately He keeps telling me it's time that it was my choosing as well.

Throw it Away, Throw it Away

2009-07-03T07:50:00.007-04:00

(photo by Organize.com)

I've been organizing- if you can call it that- my email in-box by trying to unsubscribe to the many emails that are coming in that I don't want. I call this pruning, or streamlining. I got an email from Organize.com which has a tag line, "Clean. Neat. Easy." and that one I decide to keep subscribing too.

It makes me feel good, momentarily, to get rid of junk and unneeded things. But this temporary feeling is just that- temporary. Soon I feel overwhelmed by clutter- both in my inbox and in my house.

I know where I get this from- this need to prune and purify my surroundings. I grew up in a small house overflowing with people: five kids, several cats, a cousin living with us, and two parents. When we moved to a larger home, when I was in second grade, it felt like we were moving into a mansion. I took deep breaths of privacy and peace. But these bits of privacy and peace were always temporary as well, because I shared a room with a sister, and because no matter how big a house is, it does not mean all will be at peace.

One habit my father developed, that I now realize was in reaction to this chaotic brood of his, was to mandate a weekly streamlining of our lives. This happened almost every Saturday, or when things started to feel crazy in our home: my Dad would make us go to our rooms and throw away 20 items,...or 100 items if he was really stressed that week! My sisters and I learned how to count a piece of thread as an item, or a rubber band, or a button, so that we could retain as many of our belongings as we could. We really didn't have a lot of stuff. We didn't own much junk. We shared our clothing. So what could we possibly need to throw away?

This need to suddenly cleanse and purify our supposedly cluttered surroundings has never gone away. I'll visit my Mom and Dad and it will usually come up. I'll be sitting in my Mom's room and smiling at here as she's resting in bed. She's so frail, now. She smiles a lot, but she sleeps a lot too. Her life long battle with depression has worn her out. She still looks heavenward, but I can see that she has an increasing connection with the Lord and a decreasing connection with us, here on earth. It's obvious that we are not going to have her forever.

And in the midst of thinking that, while my Dad is sitting there in the room with us, he'll suddenly say "Your mother's room needs cleaning. Her closet needs someone to go through it and throw away the junk. Will you do that?"

I'll look around the room. There might be a few articles of clothing on the rocking chair, and a few toiletries arranged on the dresser. Her closet has some clothing in it, all hung nicely on hangers. Where's the junk, I think? What do I need to throw away?

But I already know the answer to that. I can remember painful times, sad times ( throw them away, throw them away) and I can remember times where stress reigned in our home and not peace- in spite of the fact that there was never a family more committed to each other, more intent on being a family (throw that away, throw that away). I know why my Dad goes on these de-cluttering binges. I know why I get a momentary high after I've cleaned my house, wiped the countertops clean of crumbs and dust and the things that speak of dirt and decay.

I want peace and order in my life. I want a mind that is clean and clear. I want a heart that is free from bitterness and regret. But you don't get that from clearing your home of debris and junk. You don't even get that by going once or twice to counseling or a therapist or a priest. It takes endless forgiving and releasing, and forgiving and keeping that which is good and letting the rest go.

There's nothing wrong with a clean, organized, beautiful home. It's just that the only way it can stay perfectly clean perfectly organized and decluttered, is for people to live in it perfectly. Neatly. Robotically.

Our homes reveal our pain and our promise for hope. Our homes reveal the strain and stresses of the challenge of living. Our cluttered desks reveal that we get more information and details from bill collectors than we often do from those we love.

But this is life. And life is messy and clean, chaotic and peaceful. It all depends on where and how and who and when...and then it starts all over again. Throw it away, throw it away- the junk, the pain, the bitterness. But I can't throw away the evidence that I am alive and imperfect and hopeful, all at the same time.

I want gleaming counters and clean bathrooms. But I've decided messy kitchens are good too. And closets stuffed with gifts and mismatched clothing and odds and ends are not going to make me fall apart. I'll go for clean and order, whenever I can, but I'll also go for the grace to be able to cope with clutter and chaos- because it does happen every now and then. And I'm done with trying to make it not be so.

Ta-Da!!

2009-07-02T08:32:00.007-04:00

Sometimes when you wearily ask God to point out a way, where there seems to be no way, He does something different instead: He gives you a moment of refreshment so that you can get back on track. Cause you find out, later, that you're doing just fine- it's just that you were getting a bit stale and worn.

I have been feeling, lately, about as creative as a turtle going through menopause. Sluggish. Slow. Unenlightened.

And then I get this award. (Sigh). It's beautiful. Undeserved, I think, but certainly appreciated. Just what I needed.

And the fact that the award itself- the design and the color- is so much up my alley of what I love, decorating style-wise, makes me think how much God wanted to cheer me up. (I'd love to walllpaper my bedroom in that pink toile-like pattern in the award).

Thank you, C. Nick at A Provision of God . I am touched and smiling inside. And feeling creative again.

Okay, now I have to list 7 things that I love and then pass the award along to 7 of my fellow bloggers.

THINGS I LOVE:

1. When God surprises me with a big, fat, huge YES when I was expecting a No.
2. When someone says "I understand"- and they really do.
3. A foot rub with peppermint lotion
4. Pizza Night with my family
5. Reading a Good Book that takes me into another world and returns me to my own with increased hope and understanding
6. When someone stands up for someone in need, at the risk of their own comfort
7. Inner Peace (Peace like a river)

Now this is the part of getting an award that always gets to me. I hate to select only a few people to receive something that many people deserve to get.

Can I do it this way? Can I expand the award base?

I'd like to pass this award on to the 38 Readers ("Followers") listed on my side panel here. These readers, of their own volition, chose to follow the postings here on Faith Fuel. They're like fragrant pineapple-scented chewing gum that sticks to you- and I'm glad they've stuck to Faith Fuel and want to follow what happens here.

So each of you Blog FOLLOWERS, please receive this award and post the 7 things you love. Let's visit their blogs and get to know each other more! These are some of the Followers of this blog:

Kelly's Ideas
K.Frangeskos, Jesus Knows You Best
Jeremy Belter, Fitness in the Fast Lane
Shanchere, The Cracker Lady

and more ...............................................................................................>>>>>

Have fun visiting these great people. And thanks again, C. Nick. Now I'm off to have a very creative, fruitful, inspiring day!!

The Big D

2009-06-30T08:22:00.004-04:00

Can I just say one thing-only one- about the show, The Bachelorette, which was on last night? I promise that I'll get back to more serious, noble pursuits and not discuss any more such trite and foolish things as how a woman chooses a future mate, how she sifts through the personal information these men present to her, how she discerns who is really there for her and who is using this moment of fame to further their fortunes. NOT!

This IS serious stuff. This is not fluff. I know, I know- it's a T.V. show. It's a reality show. It's produced and edited and reformatted to entice viewers and to sell advertising and all that. But I'm talking about the main verb here of what Jillian is doing in this show: she is deciding.

There is nothing frivolous about decision-making. How you decide on something is how you either live, thrive, suffer, survive. Decision making is Key. Good Decision making ability is a key to a successful, fruitful, prosperous life. Read the book of Proverbs and you'll see it's all about the wisdom and foolishness of man's decision making.

HOW you choose something (or someone) and WHY you choose something (or someone) says a lot about you. I belabor this point a lot, I know. And it's because I look back at my own life and see that the majority of painful times I went through had to do with not only the decisions I made, but more importantly, the liberty I felt- or constraint- in making those decisions.

If there's anything I want for my teenage daughter, it's wisdom and the ability to choose wisely. Even when it comes to Faith, and understanding God's love for us, you have to choose your response to God's Love: will you accept it? Will you decide it's real and that you can believe it and rely on it?

"Choose you this day..." and the choices are many each day we live. Forget Reality TV for a moment. Forget the foolish drama that is played up on these shows. The real drama of life is already occurring every time we decide what we will do, what we believe, who we trust. I'm just glad that the Who I Trust Decision was settled along time ago.

Forward, March!

2009-06-25T08:36:00.004-04:00

I'm famous! At least I was for a moment. Well, only if you happened to be watching our local news, and only if you watched it at approximately 5:15pm yesterday. For one moment, there I was, in living color: me, the introvert, on T.V.

I had gone to a local career fair, yesterday, and there was a TV news crew filming the participants. I kept trying to step out of sight of the camera, but somehow, when I wasn't looking, they zoomed in on me, smiling, shaking hands with a Human Resource Rep, and looking very intent on what the person was saying to me.

I was intent on our conversation. This meant more to me than being on T.V. because what does a moment of fame get you? Nothing, really. (Especially since my family and my best friend didn't even get to see me on T.V.). But a new job, a new career,...now, that will get you somewhere!

I'm one of those people who know what I love doing, but don't exactly know the name of the job I should have. I could probably enjoy a number of different types of jobs, and I have, over the years, done a number of interesting things. So, it's been a little hard, over the years, getting on a career track and staying on track.

My bigger goal has been to stay on track spiritually and emotionally and to have a healthy mind. What can you do, for a job, if you are crippled in your thinking, hampered by debilitating fears, held back by self sabotaging behaviorial patterns? Not much.

I'm never going to stop writing and speaking and teaching, when the situation calls for it. But I have been seriously considering going back to school and getting my Masters Degree in Counseling. It's funny how we use the term "going back to school" as if this is a step backwards.

I probably have missed many steps forward precisely because of this: that they seemed like they were a step backwards rather than a step forward. Onward Ho! Forward, March! These are all the expressions that need to be in the vocabulary and mindset of anyone who wants to make significant progress in their life. There'll be many opportunities to advance- but they're often disguised as something else. And this is where I ask the Lord for a clear mind, a discerning spirit, and tons of courage to take the next step forward, no matter what that looks like.

Surprise, Surprise!

2009-06-22T16:47:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I should join a Support Group called Introverts Anonymous. The reason why this group would meet anonymously and be known by first name only is because everyone in the group, including myself, is an introvert disguised as an extrovert. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them I'm an introvert.

"But you're so cheerful and outgoing!" (Because most people think introverts are morose and ominously quiet!)

"But you're so talkative!" (As if introverts don't like to share what's on their mind!)

I share what's on my mind all the time. Maybe you can tell that- if you've visited here off and on over the months. I can easily articulate what's on my mind, what's bothering me, what I'm thinking about, what I'm hoping for. I've been articulating my thoughts for 40+ years. It's just that for the first 14+ years of my life, my diary was the main recipient of my thoughts.

Even then, being a quieter kid did not make me more of an introvert. An introvert is someone who refuels by being alone- or refuels better by having enough time alone as opposed to being with people all day long. Introverts can be very sociable- trust me on this. We can be pleasant and conversant. It's just that if we have to converse TOO much, we'll soon want to withdraw and get some time alone. We want to recalibrate our inner thermostat.

Give me a quiet beach and some good sunscreen and an iced tea and a good book- I will be one happy camper. (No, don't take me camping, please. I did enough of that when I was younger and in my mind, it's an arduous type of enjoyment, if you ask me. And remember, if you ask me, I will tell you what I think!)

Why am I bringing this up? Recently we were chatting with a couple that we've been getting to know better, and one of them could not believe me when I told him I was an introvert. His mouth hung open in disbelief. (Apparently we were doing enough chatting, and I was doing enough expressing of my opinions, that I did not look like the quintessential introvert!)

But you can always find tell tale signs of my introversion. For example, good bloggers post a lot of photos, and in particular, a lot of photos of themselves doing things, doing crazy things, smiling at the camera, etc. I don't like to post photos of myself. I'm an introvert, remember?!

Sometimes I want to share some thoughts with the world, and then leave the world behind and just be alone. Sometimes I want to hang out with loved ones and hear all their thoughts and laugh and joke around. But then I'll feel a need to get some time alone, by myself, later on. Maybe it's my way of getting my stability, getting my base line.

The only reason I bring this up is to mention that Christians can be introverts or extroverts. Surprise, surprise. And one of these is not holier than the other. Don't be over impressed by the gregarious hospitality of someone who invites someone to come stay with them for a week. If this person is an extrovert, they may not be straining at all in doing this. They're not more pious than an introvert who goes out of his way, out of his comfort zone, to reach out to someone and spend the day listening to them.

You really can't always tell when people are operating out of their comfort zone. Sometimes people are doing something that takes a great deal of faith and effort- and you would never know it. And sometimes people are doing wonderful things that everyone can see, and maybe they already have their reward, as Jesus said.

Now, I don't want anyone clapping their hands for me or commending me- BUT if I decide to post some photos, particularly of myself, I just want you to know it was a big step for me, being the introvert that I am! And if I don't wind up posting more photos here, well...it's cause I'm an introvert. I kinda want to stay hidden.

But I'll still keep chatting with you all here- even if you don't see my face, you'll hopefully see my heart. Everyone is welcome here at Faith Fuel- whatever your burden, whatever your hang up is, whatever your social orientation is. Extroverts, Introverts...God calls us all to Himself and we all shed our layers of protection the closer we get to Him.

Cooking Up a Great Father's Day

2009-06-21T21:45:00.005-04:00

I love Saveur magazine's tantalizing recipes. These appear in my email inbox every day and tempt me to think I can make every day...gourmet.

I asked my husband, yesterday, what he wanted for father's day, as far as food goes. I was thinking Lobster because I noticed our local supermarket had lobster on sale. I think it was 5.99 a pound. (I just wanted the claws and the tail, drenched in melted butter, and ...wait, I'm getting ahead of myself).

He said a thick steak on the grill, or shish-ka-bobs with lots of sweet grilled onion and green peppers. He's definitely a meat and potatoes type of guy. So that's what he was thinking about yesterday.

We wound up making our homemade pizza, though- and it was probably the experience of making it, together, that my husband wanted- more than the taste of pizza itself. Maybe this is when we really feel like a family and look like one. (We're a messy family, for sure. The cheese was everywhere!)

Hope all you Fathers out there had the best Father's Day Ever!

Oh, That Smells Good!!

2009-06-18T08:54:00.004-04:00

Sometimes in trying to fix a problem, you create another one. It happens all the time, in high and low places. Or in the case of our house, which is situated rather high on a hill, the problem occurred in the lower level of our housel.

I'm remembering this problem because yesterday we had another showing on the house. I was careful to clean and neaten up the house but at the same time, not create the problem that I did when we first listed the house.

We were having a Broker's Open House and I was getting the house ready for what would be a real hard nosed critique by these savvy brokers who were coming. I thought I did everything right, until the written critique came in a couple days later. There were some glowing comments about our house having a lovely "alpine setting" and some other nice comments. But there were two comments that referenced something similar to Marcellus' comment: "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark".

I had vacuumed the carpets with a borrowed vacuum cleaner (ours was broken) that had not had the filter changed in a while. A long while. There was a dank musty odor left over after the vacuuming that I had not really detected in my frenzy to get the house ready. Here I had freshly vacuumed carpets (yeah!) but a nasty musty odor at the same time (oh no!).

This seems to happen a lot in life. You try to do something good but you sometimes cause a problem in the process. I think God has a lot of compassion for us when this happens. In fact, I would venture to say God has more compassion and grace for us, when this happens, than we do for ourselves.

But I think one thing God is not too compassionate about is when we deliberately disobey, or faithlessly want to retreat or return to old addictions, old problems and patterns of the past. And I think God has to be very firm with us when this happens. He has to thunder at us, in warning, when we want to sabotage our progress.

When the Israelites were in the desert, they really got God's dander up when they complained of His lack of provision and referenced that they, at least, had some food back in Egypt. God rains down a new type of food, called Manna, and He gives them the provision they had complained He doesn't give. But he does test them, as well. (It's for God to test us, not for us to ever test God).

He tells them, through Moses, not to gather more than what they need for that day. In other words, every day now, they were going to have to believe and trust and have faith that He would rain down the manna. And some did not want to trust Him. Some did not want to have faith that He would provide. So they gathered extra manna to hoard it for another day. "And it bred worms and it stank".

This odor of unbelief is a lot different than the bad smell of a botched up plan to do something good. I try to comfort myself with this revelation every time I start to do something good and wind up failing at it or fumbling around. Maybe I could even look at my botched up progress as something that still smells like a beautiful fragrance to God. God loves it when His children step out in faith- even if they later fall and skin their knees.

But if I do something out of fear, out of unbelief, out of a deliberate refusal to trust what God has already proven Himself faithful in doing and providing, over and over- then I not only disappoint God, I also have a musty odor. To Him. It could be that sometimes God sighs and says, "Something is rotten in the state of Lauren's mind- because she doesn't trust me". Ouch! I don't want that said of me either. (I know, I also said in one of my recent posts that I don't want it said of me that I'm so heavenly minded, I'm no earthly good. So now I'm accumulating things I don't want said of me!)

Some of you might be saying, "Lauren, just go out and buy a new vacuum cleaner and you won't go into these ruminations!". But just for the record, my broken vacuum cleaner was a brand new one that I just bought! Not new enough to be under warranty and return it, but new enough that it made me mad it wasn't working already.

Still, after cleaning out the filter and the bag of the borrowed vacuum cleaner, it still has a bit of a musty odor. I need a brand new vacuum cleaner. (I might get that one with the ball that easily glides around corners. How's that for how advertising gets you!). Whatever I get, I not only need a new vacuum cleaner, but I need new faith for each day. It's a gutsy faith- not the kind with a serene smile and a passive stance.

Because while my house had a momentary problem with this, I don't want any unbelieving stench coming from me. I want God to not only see me approaching Him, but to smell me a mile away! He'll take a whiff of my operative faith and instead of scrunching up His nose in displeasure, He'll smile at the fragrant aroma of my fresh Fiery Faith.

Next!

2009-06-16T18:59:00.005-04:00

I really don't have anything against this guy personally. But I don't care for Wes too much. But it's not because this guy is shady or dishonest. He seems to be pretty clear about his goal of becoming a country music star. I just don't think, though, that Jillian is hearing this guy when he talks about his music career and the needed publicity and the fact that he's getting some very good publicity by being on the show, The Bachelorette.

Most of us who are watching this Reality Show are well aware of Wes' ambition. He's not exactly writing it in big letters on a billboard for Jillian to see, but he is fairly clear about his desire to be a famous singer. If he sings that song, "They say that love- it don't come easy" one more time, I might throw something at the screen! But Jillian just loves it when Wes sings. She thinks he's singing for her. He's not.

This is where the "wise as a serpent" admonition comes in. This is where we need to think on our feet, and not just let our heart beat...in rhapsodic hopes of love. This is where we need to dig a little deeper when it comes to assessing someone's intentions, their ambitions, their addictions.

My teen age daughter and I get to do a lot of discussing when we watch this show (and I get to do a lot of editing too! Not everything that takes place on the show is what we accept as normative for our lives). We talk about how you have to go a little deeper when it comes to seeing someone's true colors. And it's perfectly acceptable to be somewhat reserved, somewhat appraising when it comes to evaluating what someone wants from you, who they are, what they are offering. You don't have to hug everyone the minute you meet them. You can look for substance, depth, honesty, integrity- and when you find it, the hug you give someone means so much more.

Here's to hoping Jillian takes another long hard look at Wes. Here's to her seeing how much he wants a music career- maybe more than anything else. More than he wants her. And here's to Jillian, and every other person who has had to realize a painful truth, but then because they did, they were better off. Much better off.

You've Come a Long Way, Baby!

2009-06-15T08:53:00.006-04:00

Bill and I had friends over Saturday night and we had a rousing good time: lots of talking and conversing and questioning and debating and eating. One issue that came up was whether or not Christians do better deliberately trying to do business with other Christians. My personal point of view was that if I have a business matter at hand, I seek out the best business advice, the best rep, the best firm- I don't care what their religious beliefs are. I sounded very "secular", I know.

Our friend had a different feeling on the matter. He thought that you would do better doing business with someone who held godly convictions, and that they would deliver the goods, so to speak, more so because of their spiritual convictions and beliefs. That you could, as brothers or sisters in the Lord, hold each other accountable to God's higher standard of doing things.

I just think it muddies the water. I've become more pragmatic in my golden years (!) and by that I don't think "less spiritual". I think it's godly to be practical. I think it's godly to do business in an excellent manner- and yet I've met and known outstanding business people who did not hold my "godly" beliefs, and I had a better experience, sometimes, than if I had done business with a Christian.

I'm not saying all Christians are lousy business people. Really, I'm not. But I've known a lot of Christians who were trying and sincere, and yet fumbling and mixed up at the same time, just as many non Christian business people can be. I've also known atheistic business people who had integrity and clear objectives, and I've known well meaning Christians who tried to evangelize and manage contractual obligations, poorly, all at the same time.

Why am I bringing this up? Who knows?! But maybe this conversation we had with friends is more of an important life matter, to me, than I realized at first.

When I visited the Yahoo Finance page this morning, I saw this article headline "7 Signs a Stock is Ready to Slide"- and it made me think of how people slide and fall and how we don't always see it coming. It made me remember the times I've gone to do business with a Christian, expecting the experience to be smooth and clear, and I was shaken up by how screwed up the relationship got and by how bad the business advice was or how inept the person was. I didn't see the signs that the transaction was getting botched up royally. And I was mad or hurt or shocked because I thought that the person, being a Christian, would then be an ideal person to do business with.

No one is ideal, though. No One. Sometimes I feel like apologizing to the world at large for all we've botched and bullied in the name of Christianity. And sometimes I feel like yelling at the world and telling it to give us a break for being human, fallible, stupid at times, and dim witted. Sometimes I'm embarrassed by how much I've grown and matured because it means that I was so stupid and dull and slow to see. It means I had a long way to go- if I am now more mature. A long way.

But everyone has a long way to go. It's just that I think we Christians sometimes forget to remind ourselves, and the world, that we're in that category as well. We have not arrived. Just because we "know Jesus" or we've "seen the light" doesn't mean that we are not still, often, sitting in the dark and thinking it's bright enough.

So if you have a business matter today to attend to, my advice is to seek someone who is grounded in the facts, and more than sincere in their aim to help you. Sincerity is not enough. You have to be clear about how cloudy you can be. You have to remember that the best help is given when the objectives are met, the transaction is straight forward, and the outcome is that you feel you were helped, not defrauded, not preached to, not short changed.

I want to be a better business woman. I want to be a clear minded citizen. I want to be sane and cogent and clear on all matters- religious or practical. Because the last thing I want said about me is that I'm so heavenly minded I'm no earthly good.

Oh Happy Day

2009-06-14T20:21:00.003-04:00

What I loved about today:

1. Bill and I slept till 9:00am- an absolutely miraculous event. We normally get up every single blessed day at 6am- can't seem to stay asleep past that. But this morning we snoozed and snored past the normal time and we woke up smiling at our achievement.

2. This afternoon our family went on a hike up Prospect Mountain and the views were so amazing that we remembered how tiny we were and how big God was. The sky was blue, the clouds were pierced with brightness, and we were all in a mood to receive and take in all the beauty. So we did. We took it in. We snapped photos everywhere. (I'll try to get them posted this week).

3. We came home hungry and feeling creative. So we did what we do best and made pizza. I got the dough just right. Alex used enough cheese to feed an army of mice. Bill loved the pepperoni I bought for the first time. Abby decorated her pizza as though she was beautifying it for a pageant. We blasted the music, opened the doors to let the breezes in, and we ate and laughed and ate and laughed. Can it get any better than this? I thought.

Hope you had an absolutely memorable day!

Dating Advice for Anyone Who's Ever Listened to Willie

2009-06-10T19:04:00.008-04:00

If this was Monday night, I'd be watching the Bachelorette. I'm fascinated by that reality show, even if it has some stuff in it that's not exactly kosher. I'm always interested in why people choose what they do, and in particular, why women choose what they do when it comes to dating and potential marriage. I'm hoping that the bachelorette, Jillian, will choose substance, and not flash. But these shows have not always yielded promising results. I've narrowed my list down to a couple favorites who I think are good, solid men- but I don't know if Jillian will see what I see.

Speaking of favorites, for some reason my husband is not only playing a lot of old favorites, like Kenny G and BB King, but now he's also adding in....Willie Nelson. Yup. The King of Twang was crooning to us while we ate our dinner tonight. I managed to do a beautiful pork tenderloin roast- not undercooked (oh no, trichinosis!) but not overcooked either (oh no, we're eating leather for dinner!).

I was so enjoying the old crooner. He can really sing. But when Julio Iglesias joined him on that song "To All the Girls I've Loved Before", I started to notice the words. The chorus, in particular. Then I was laughing. Then I was disgusted. Then I thought of all the women who've bought this type of ridiculous reasoning, and I was mad.

There's nothing I hate worse than to be taken. Fooled. Like the way Eve was fooled by the serpent. Like the way men "worm their way into homes of weak willed women". Like the way people actually buy the stupid reasoning, which Willie and Julio sang, about why there were so many girls in their life and why they couldn't stay with one of them:

The winds of change are always blowing And every time I try to stay The winds of change continue blowing And they just carry me away

The thought of the wind sweeping a 200+ lb. man out the door and away from a loving woman is...well, ridiculous. I don't think the man tried hard enough to stay.

Love stays. Love sticks it out. Period.

Now, there are winds of change. That part of the verse is true. People change. Our ideas change. Our plans change. But what does that have to do with sticking it out with someone you profess to love?

Don't know why I'm ranting and raving about this, except to say that for almost 25 years I have been married to a man who does a lot of beautiful loving things to show he loves me:

He washes the dirty pots and pans that I hide in the oven (and there are some there, right now, as I write this!).

He listens to me- really listens to me when I talk to him.

He sees me as capable of doing anything I set my mind to.

He is patient when I'm not, and silly and humorous when I'm cranky.

He loves our two kids fiercely and fathers them in such a way that I don't think they'll have issues trusting that a Father God loves them eternally.

He does a lot. He loves me a lot. And most of all, no matter how the winds of change are blowing, he doesn't have to work hard to try and stay with me. He's practically glued to my side. He's a keeper. He's a Lover. He's my Everything.

And I didn't see all this when I first met him. I didn't know the depth of his character and his staying power....not right away. Not at first. But over time, it became clear what this man of mine was made of.

So here's a little dating advice for any single people who might be reading this: Hold out for the one who stays and keeps staying. Hold out for someone who wants to keep drawing nearer, who wants to get to know you. Look for sincerity not only in his words but in his actions as well.

Hold out for someone who will stay with you through thick and thin. Because any man who lets the winds of change carry him away is too much of a light weight for you.

Why Middle Aged Women Love GM

2009-06-09T07:10:00.006-04:00

I saw a GM commercial the other night and I had to give it to them: they know how to re-posture themselves. General Motors sounds brave. Their commercial talked about "this not being the end. This is only chapter one".

Oh, the things middle aged people could learn from GM! Or at least, the things we could learn from their advertising agency! They're pitching General Motors as brave, enterprising, and as a company that is ready to find a new position- a winning position-again.

In the face of financial catastrophe, they are "reinventing the automobile and our company". Wow. That's quite a feat. It'd be like a 48 year old woman getting a face lift and hiring a life coach at the same time. You can't just deliver a new product without delivering a new company that the product comes from.

Now, I'm not thinking of getting a face lift. But instead of hiring a life coach, I am deciding to be my own best life coach and direct myself into fruitful ventures, enterprising situations, fertile ground. You can do that, you know. You really can choose the best way to go- even if it takes many tries to find the best way.

The key thing is to not turn back. BE BRAVE. Take it from GM- and in the words of Hebrews 10:35 Contemporary English Version -"Keep on being brave! It will bring you great rewards".

Or in the words of T. Harv Eker- "Try this. The next time you are uncomfortable, uncertain, or afraid, instead of shrinking and retreating back to safety, press forward."

Sometimes pressing on is more of a messy stumbling forward than it is walking confidently with a fully planned route exposing all pitfalls. The reason we don't stumble forward enough is that we look around and we see so many composed Christians with smiles on their faces and the Word of God in their hands- as though this book had a million detailed maps contained within it and you just had to whip out the right one every time you were confused.

I'm a bit confused as to why Christians should be composed and all packaged together nicely. It seems to me that if we are growing and stretching and relying on God, that we will be, therefore, in all kinds of uncomfortable situations that stretch us and yes- make us a bit bewildered at times. I don't think Eker meant this advice directly for professing Christians, but it could be the best advice I've heard in a while:

"From now on, whenever you feel uncomfortable, instead of retreating back into your old comfort zone, pat yourself on the back and say 'I must be growing,' and continue moving forward."

So that's what I'm doing. I'm moving forward even though I don't feel comfortable at all. But that's not to say that I don't feel confident. I told my husband that I have never felt more sure that I have the God-given skills and abilities to help me triumph and prosper- and yet, I have never looked more the opposite. I'm not getting any younger. I'm 48, soon to be an empty-nester (in just a couple years), and I'm not in any concrete career track. I'm not on a direct certain route to Inspirational Identity, and I'm certainly not on a Fast-Track Career Track- or any track at all. (This is exactly what my father feared when I told him I wanted to be a writer, and wanted to major in English).

But like GM, I I know that I can start again. Or at least I know that I need to. I know it's a new chapter and I need to think on my feet even as I plan for a new product line that will dazzle the world.

What's my product that I offer to the world? Every time I hold onto my beat-up dreams, I tell the world that they have not seen the best of me yet. Just give me a minute. Give me a chance. And if the world doesn't want to give me that, I'll just take it anyhow- because it's mine for the taking.

Sunlight, Grace, and Itchy Skin

2009-06-08T08:24:00.007-04:00

I woke up at midnight, itching all over, having gone to bed early last night, at 9:30pm. I'm sure that the itching was not just a reaction to sunscreen, sun light, and bug bites. I do have a problem every summer with adjusting to direct sunlight and I seem to get a type of skin poisoning where I itch all over and feel like I want to tear my skin off. It's a lovely feeling, let me tell you.

The first time this happened was when I was in Spain, at the age of 14. We were there on a two week vacation- my mom and dad and younger sister and myself. I laid out by the hotel pool one day and soaked in all the sun- and then later in the day went back to the room and started to writhe in agony as my skin reacted violently to the sun. I'm not a pale skinned blond, and I don't know why I suddenly couldn't handle all the sun.

So last night, after we got home from visiting with some friends (sitting outdoors in their backyard and eating fruit and talking and talking), I went to bed a little itchy, fell asleep, and woke up a LOT itchy. Maybe I had gotten a few more bug bites. Maybe it was adding in more sun exposure. And maybe it's the new soap we are using in the shower, cause we ran out of the gycerin Bath and Body Works soaps that we always use. I don't know what it was, but my skin was reacting.

But I didn't wake up just because of my skin itching all over. I also woke up because my mind was alert and stimulated by the honest and invigorating conversation my husband and I had earlier that day with our friends. I ate the cherries and strawberries that they beautifully laid out on a tray, and I ate up the honesty and the candor of our conversation. It's not so much that we aired our dirty laundry as it was that we all admitted we had dirty laundry that needed airing. We had "issues" and we all knew we did. But we're working on our issues. And we smiled at each other in relief of knowing that, really, that's all you can do. The sense of relief and lack of pretense was precious. Powerful. And I didn't know that it meant great grace was there.

When I say I'm "working" on my issues, on my deep seated thought patterns that are helpful and not so helpful- I mean it. It is work. It's a type of labor that goes against the norm of maintaining status quo. I'm changing the way I look at things, the way I frame my questions, the way I see myself, even.

On the other hand, I'm also recently consciously practising a type of non-work- which I now realize is called grace- where I deliberately don't allow myself to strain and strive in order to accept good things. And this is where the itchy skin comes in.

Sometimes Grace is so against the norm of what we humans think we should receive, that it's like getting too much sunlight. Grace can make you itchy, uncomfortable, fidgety. Flowing in a state of grace is rare. I think people who grasp what grace is expect to find it mysteriously powerful and almost overwhelming- like the way sun light can actually overwhelm your body if you get too much of it.

There are warnings when it comes to taking in the sun. There's sun burn and sun poisoning and even skin cancer. Watch out for too much sun light. But when it comes to Grace, can there be such a thing as too much? When the Bible mentions about "great grace" being "upon them all"- did it cause problems? Itching? Fidgeting?!

What would happen if we lavished grace on people, problems, and predicaments? What would happen if we gave ourselves grace when we hit a wall? What would happen if we were quick to give grace? What would happen if we admitted that we're still a bit fuzzy on what Grace is? I'm sure that we would have to keep redefining what grace is, just like I have to keep figuring out what is really making my skin react, cause there's so many things the skin reacts to.

Grace comes in a variety of expression and flavors. Grace changes how you react in a situation. I think grace is a balm that calms inflamed situations, shattered self esteem, and raw emotions. Grace doesn't just blanket things and hide their reality- instead, it helps you to cope and see the thing that scares you.

And maybe grace doesn't mean that no one is wrong or that nothing needs to be done. Rather, grace could mean "we've got a lot of work to do, this is a mess, and boy is this itchy and agonizing." Then Grace becomes the hand that restrains yours from scratching your skin so hard that you hurt yourself- even though Grace is also what is making you so itchy and fidgety.

Maybe I came home from our time spent with our friends, feeling like I had been more honest than I had cautiously intended to be. I was itchy and uncomfortable because I had been seen, known, and loved- warts and all. My friends drew me in with their accepting love and their own candid sharing. But then more than that, great Grace was upon us. So we all dared. We all shared. And even though we knew we couldn't really handle too much of it, we took a step closer to the Son light.

Another Open Door

2009-06-05T16:56:00.003-04:00

I'd like to say that I haven't been posting as much because I've been too busy "doing" my faith (and not just praying about matters of faith)- but it's not quite true. I've been contemplative. That's a scholarly way of saying you're not doing much; that you're "simmering" your thoughts as you contemplate making decisions. Concrete decisions.

I'll tell you more, later, about the decisions I'm faced with, but I want you to know that when I say "that I'm faced with" that these are not grim-faced decisions I have to make. Not at all.

Lately I've been thinking about the gift of Choice, and how glad I am that I don't have to be a robot or a spiritual puppet or a meek mouse. I'm a grown woman and I get to act like one. This is the positive side of aging: you get to become more wise, and you should be getting wiser, even if you're getting more wrinkled.

That's nothing better than having a choice, or a say-so, in an important matter. And anything, really, having to do with your life, your values, your hopes, your children, your dreams- is an important matter.

So I'm feeling wealthy (again) because of the richness of Choice. I'm feeling inspired, again, because of the possibilities.

It's Friday, and it's the weekend. And just planning what we'll eat for dinner tonight is making me smile like a mischievous cat. If you haven't felt mischievous or felt like frolicking, maybe you haven't been feeling like you have many choices or many opportunities.

Tonight, instead of counting your blessings and naming them one by one, try counting the choices before you- even if it's only what you'll eat for dinner, when you'll go to bed, what you would like to dream about. Maybe by the time you wake up and the sun shines on you and infuses you with warmth, maybe you'll keep counting all the opportunities and choices you have before you. Maybe you'll see more and more. And then you'll wonder, like me, why you never saw them before.

When Prayer is Not Enough

2009-06-02T08:24:00.005-04:00

I know, I know: the title of this post sound sacrilegious. But I'm not trying to be. I'm saying this respectfully when I say that I've recently become aware that I'm praying too much and not acting enough. ( I don't mean acting as in pretending or prancing around on the stage, either).

Here's just a little example of when praying could mean laziness or foolishness. We have our house listed for sale. There's a nice little sign out front telling the world that we're interested in selling our house. We are also Christians, so that means we are probably also praying that our house sells. Christians are supposed to "let our requests be made known to God"(Phil. 4:6). I think most Christians are pretty good about talking to God about all their problems and requests. I do that type of thing pretty well.

But what we also need to be doing, beyond praying about our house selling, is making it sell-able. I don't think God is going to do that part for us, no matter how much we request that He do. Though we did a lot of work on the interior, it's not the interior of the house that you first see when you drive by. Our driveway needs patching and a new top coating. We have more landscaping to do. One nice agent said that it has "a rather alpine feeling to it". That's a nice way of saying that we're covered in brush and trees.

We've got work to do if we want to get this house sold. That's just the plain hard truth. And that hard truth has recently been showing up in our life over and over again. Many of the things we want to progress in and change about our life have to do with the actions we will be taking, not the prayers we will be praying.

I do mean that literally. Most of the things that will physically change in our life ( our weight, our bank account, our jobs, our meals that we eat) all have to do with physical actions we take. Prayer might motivate these actions, or prayer can even sometimes spiritually hinder our actions. Well, not exactly Prayer itself- but what we think Prayer is and what Prayer does.

When I read Self-Help books, I'm always reading with an eye for what "the Christian" would say when reading statements about progress, change, behavior, action, goal setting. For many Christians, these words shock us or offend us. These words don't sound spiritual. They sound man-oriented, and we know we are supposed to be God-oriented, Faith filled, spiritually minded people. Do spiritually minded people make goals, plan ahead, make money, grow businesses? There's a debate about that. There's so much spiritualizing that goes on whenever talk turns to money, earning money, planning for business success, etc.

Want to make people squirm a bit? Try telling them that you are a committed Christian and you are a seeking to make more money. Or try telling them that you are reading the Bible and also reading 101 Ways to Grow a Multi Million Dollar Business- and that you're getting a lot out of both books. (And no,I'm not reading that book...yet- I just made it up. But something close to that title probably exists).

In this Chapter that T Hard Eker writes about playing the role of victim, he talks about Victim Clue #2: Justifying. He's a straight shooter. Listen to this:

"Rich people understand the importance of money and the place it has in society. On the other hand, poor people validate their financial ineptitude by using irrelevant comparisons. They'll argue, 'Well, money isn't as important as love.' Now is that comparison dumb or what? What's more important, your arm or your leg? Maybe they're both important."

I immediately thought of the many times I've prayed about something or heard about a friend praying about something- as though only prayer were needed. Have you ever heard a Christian say they're praying about a problem- and then months later you ask them how they're dealing with that problem, and they tell you they're still praying about it?! Maybe prayer and action are both needed here! But that's sometimes a tough thing for Christians to deal with.

She's so heavenly minded, she's no earthly good- ever hear that saying? It's a terrible indictment of any faith-professing Christian. Earth is where we need to be doing some good, 'cause Heaven doesn't need our help. Earth is where we need to be praying up a storm- and acting, in faith, because we have prayed.

Let me put another little blurb from Eker here: "Listen up, my friends: Money is extremely important in the areas in which it works, and extremely unimportant in the areas in which it doesn't work. And although love may make the world go round, it sure doesn't pay for the building of hospitals, churches, or homes. It doesn't feed anybody. Not convinced? Trying paying your bills with love."

Or in my case, try fixing my driveway with Prayer. Or try "bathing it in prayer", as we like to say. Hmmm. It still looks like a mess. The sink hole at the end of our driveway still is there. It's not as bad as the huge hole in the library's parking lot. That hole is so big they put orange cones around it and I don't even think that is warning enough, because if your car drove over that hole, you'd wind up in China- that's how bad it is!

So all this to say that Prayer is always good. Always. It's just that Prayer, by itself, is not always enough. At least, by that I mean, what we think Prayer is. We think it's talking to God about things and then God starts his heavenly fixing and arranging and orchestrating of events while we wait patiently- and maybe put a few orange cones around the problem so no one falls into it while we are waiting for our answer to prayer.

But that's a bit infantile of an understanding. Just like we can't deposit "love" into a bank account and expect to receive green bills in return, we can't just pray about things and then expect an answer to drop from the heavens.

We need to pray. And then we need to get to work. Whatever the work is, that's involved in the answer, you'll know. You'll know by the size of the problem and by the way it screams out for you to do something. Start with something simple, like seeing that the problem is there. Add some protective cones circling around it while you debate and pray and think about what to do. But don't wait too long. The hole will not fill itself.

The smelly problem does not get bathed in prayer and then miraculously stink no longer. No, the problem requires an answer. An answer usually involves action, of some kind. And maybe that's where we can start to see that not only though we prayed, but because we prayed, that we have work to do.

Judgment Day is Already Here

2009-05-29T08:32:00.004-04:00

The good thing about this past year of economic distress and upheaval is that many of us have done a re-evaluation of what's important to us, what we need, what we can let go of, what really matters in the end.

If you didn't lose your job this year, you probably know someone who did. If you didn't tighten your belt, you probably know a family who has had to. But even if the nation's economic crisis hasn't hit home hard with you, undoubtedly it has affected you in some way.

My first instinct, when any type of crisis occurs, is to get through it. But after I've gone through a crisis- whether it's a health crisis or a financial crisis- then there's a need I have to know what I've gained from this tense situation. Did I learn anything? Is there something I needed to know- that I didn't know when the crisis was occurring? Is there something I gleaned from the situation?

Because, really, in my mind, why not at least benefit, in some way, from a crisis? Especially if you did not bring the crisis on yourself (that's a whole 'nother story), then why not get something good out of something painful? Why not really believe that "all things work together for good...." as Romans 8:28 explains.

This past year, my husband and I have hurdled over some tough times, blazed through some mental barricades, and struggled with some issues within us and around us that we knew we needed to deal with. We needed to not only make some decisions, but we actually had to make some judgment calls.

Oh, but that's a bad word to use around the Christian community! "Judge not that ye be not judged" will ring out before you can even explain what you're making a judgment on. You might even start to think that anything remotely having to do with making a judgment is bad- and therefore you could start to think you should never: make a decision, reach a conclusion, draw a boundary line in a relationship, or do anything related to deciding, discerning, evaluating, examining.

There's no basis for that type of erroneous thinking, though, if you look at 1 Corinthians 2: 9-16. The one line from this passage that make s a lot of Christians shudder is "But he who is spiritual judges all things, yet he himself is rightly judged by no one." The CEV version words it this way, "People who are guided by the Spirit can make all kinds of judgements....".

Really? We can? We can make judgments on things that happen to us, situations we're in? God has given us His Spirit and this Spirit is a light within us, it's a lamp unto our feet, yes, and also a sword that slices through situations. It's not a kiddy light made of cheap plastic, that only works for a moment and then it's worthless.

I love how the CEV version highlights the benefit of having God's Spirit within us: "we can recognize the blessings that God has given us". Oh, I see! And if, by God's discerning Spirit within you, you can recognize the good blessings He means for you to have, by this very same Spirit you will also discern and see what is NOT God's will, what is not good for you, what is not advisable or helpful or instrumental in you growing in faith.

We make judgments so that we can conclude correctly what is of God and what is not of God or not God's will (or at least conclude that we're not sure what His will is, in certain situations). We make judgment calls because if we don't we become people who never have an opinion, a conclusion, or the ability to close a door that should be closed. We are people who CAN make judgments, who've been freed to make judgments, and therefore we will be "scrutinizing, examining, and investigating spiritual value and implications" (CEV commentary).

If something has value in your life, you have to see it, decide it's worth or recognize it's worth. The implications of what you choose and what you do not choose to think, do, believe, accept, reject- are vast. Your mental health is at stake. Your faith is at stake. Your understanding of God's will, His love, His ways of dealing with us, are all at stake here. These are the implications of everything we choose and don't choose. And no choice is made without a judgment call first.

If You're Feeling Empty....Relax!

2009-05-27T09:00:00.004-04:00

I've been rather quiet lately. At home, I mean. I still talk when I get together with people, friends, acquaintances, but then it seems like I'm done. Done talking. Done projecting my ideas and my conclusions. I really don't have too many of those anymore. I'm kinda empty. But in a good way.

I never realized that there are different kinds of emptiness. There's the emptiness you feel when you've lost a loved one, or you've lost a job, or you've lost your savings. There's also an empty feeling when you've been demeaned or despised. You can feel rather value-less and empty. It's a terrible feeling.

But then there's a kind of empty feeling when you've gone through a lot of stuff, dealt with a lot of junk, and now you're healed, possibly, but not exactly full of hope. Not yet. This is the time when dreams are germinating inside....again. This is the time when you're ready for a BIG idea from God- a new one- 'cause you're out of your own ideas. You're not feeling despair, just empty. Just ready for the New, cause you're done with the Old.

"Behold, I will do a NEW THING" God says to our empty hearts. We perk up and we sense how true that it is, and how ridiculous we've been to think we, ourselves, could usher in the new thing. We've been in our past and we are currently living out our present day. But we have not yet seen our future. God has, though. He's seen it all. And He's got a lot of new ideas that are bound to surprise us.

I haven't been very creative lately, although my cooking hasn't been terrible either. (But I am rotating the same dishes over and over.Last night was Grilled London Broil and Mashed Potatoes and Green beans. Nice, but not anything exciting).

I'm not writing anything amazing in my journal,either, and I haven't cooked up any crazy ideas lately, nor have I tried to entice my good friend, Mu, to do some kind of crazy adventure. She might just be a little empty herself- or at least a little tired. She certainly did a lot of energetic coaching and encouraging this past winter. It was a long winter, and I needed her help. She was there for me. She was really there.

Every time I try to pick myself up and get myself all energized to dream up some good career plans or income ideas or a potential house renovation, I feel God whispering to me "Relax." And implied in His message is the sense that I really couldn't do much more than relax and sink back into contemplation of the fact that the boundless possibilities I need to perceive are all going to come from Him anyways. So relax.

I've always had an issue with relaxing. The early bird gets the worm, not the relaxed bird. And I've somehow equated laziness with being relaxed. I'm sure some of this has to do with having a very industrious father who was an immigrant to this country.How many relaxed immigrants do you know? Nobody ever gets anywhere without a lot of hard work, diligent effort, striving, and persevering, right?

But then do these kind of hard working people know how to relax? And when do they relax? And do they struggle with feeling guilty when they relax? These are the things I want to know- and I think they are some of the best kept secrets.

I know very few relaxed Christians. It's a terrible indictment of us- as a people group. Nothing is more unattractive than a stressed out, uptight frowning Christian who tells you to put your trust in God and then you can have what they have- an uptight, stressed out life, but with salvation thrown in for good measure.

Lately it seems to me that to be relaxed, at peace, confident of God's love for you, that you would need the utmost of Faith. You would need to be someone who has heard God's heartbeat and you would need to be perceptive of God's good will for you. You would then anticipate good- not evil- from God. You would be able to be empty, and see it as a good thing- because you would anticipate that God loves to fill empty people- not empty them out further.

God doesn't deplete us. The world can do that. Unhealthy relationships can do that. Crises and problems can help to deplete you. But God fills you up. At least He desires to. Whether or not He can fill you to overflowing with love and hope may just depend on you and I seeing that He wants to.

And when we realize that we're empty, but we're reaching out to God for more-by Faith- then something good is about to happen. So relax. Loosen your shoulders. Take a deep breath. Act like your world is not collapsing, even if it feels like it is. And when someone asks you why you are so relaxed, tell them that you have no answers, no hope- apart from God- and therefore, you've got it made! You're more than fine. You're relaxed. Empty. And about to be filled to overflowing.

To That Man in China

2009-05-24T17:12:00.006-04:00

This guy is not falling- he was pushed. PUSHED, mind you. At an hour and time in his life when he was debating the merit and value of his soul, his life- and someone pushes him off because he's frustrated and tired of the traffic jams that this suicidal man, standing on a bridge, was causing. This AP Photo tells a lot already, but you can read more about it here.

What's wrong with people that they can't seem to find empathy for someone in trouble- if it means that their own life will be inconvenienced or troubled momentarily?? Have we really come down to this- selfish anger over someone else who we feel is "selfishly" in trouble?

It seems that this is the underlying issue in this extreme case. One man is fed up and tired of those who are not stable and strong and successful. And maybe there's an underlying attitude here that the Pusher, in this story, felt- that if you're going to cause problems in society by not pulling your own weight, then at least fall apart quietly and away from my view and my route so that I am not hindered or inconvenienced by your agony!

Yes, according to Sir Walter Scott, its a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive, but it's a muddy, very deep hole we fall in when second we practise to add to some one's despair! From what I understand of the story, the Pusher guy was first going to try to talk the man down, but then he got fed up with it all, slipped through the police barricade, went up to the man and shook his hand- and then pushed him.

He survived the fall- but will he survive what happened to him? He was already battling mental illness of some kind, but maybe what he was battling was that he saw cruelty and meanness in the world and maybe nobody was agreeing with him. Maybe people made light of the heaviness and depression in his soul. His personal financial crisis was also enough that the man contemplated what no one should ever get to the point of contemplating. But we do. We sometimes get to a place in life where things look so bleak, so dark, so uncertain that we are not only beside ourselves, we are sick of our self, perhaps. And that's a scary place to be- if you have no friend, no dear one, to talk you down from your perilous perch on the top of a bridge.

Last night we got together with a couple I've known for a couple years, and my best friend Mu also, and we had a feast of fellowship. There was no pushing anyone over the edge. There was simply a lot of understanding, of "getting it", of camaraderie, of intuitive listening and a lot of nodding of head in agreement. We've experience some tough times, each of us, and we understood what the other was sharing.

I haven't felt that wealthy in a long time. You are rich when you have dear loving friends, when you have people who " get you", who know you, who see your value and your heart. You are not alone- when you are known.

I wish I could get a message to the man who was pushed from the bridge. I'd tell him that what happened to him was horrible beyond belief. But I'd also tell him that I'm so sorry that he got to the point in his life that he was so despairing of life and found himself on that bridge. I'd tell him that many times, many people have gotten to crisis points in their life, and we've all been on a type of bridge, at some point in our life.

The Apostle Paul, himself, had battled despair. At one point, Paul stated that “we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of our life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9).

But did you see that little tiny word in the above passage? Did you note that he said "we were burdened beyond measure"? There's nothing worse than being burdened and alone. But if we can go through tough times and crisis points with the arm of fellow comrade or friend around our shoulders, how blessed we are- even if we are blessed and burdened at the same time.

I'm so sorry, dear sir in South China, that you were burdened beyond belief. But I'm even more sorry that you felt so alone. I hope you feel the love and the prayers of those of us who have decided you shall not be alone anymore. We bathe you in our prayers. We uphold you with loving support, and we tell God- help this man, please. Overwhelm him not with trouble, but with your love. Let him know he is not alone.

And That's How HE Sees it

2009-05-19T08:46:00.005-04:00

I've put it off long enough, and if I put it off any longer I will be a walking menace to society. Or a driving menace, rather. I need to get new lenses. Which requires an eye exam. Which requires me making the appointment and then realizing that I should pick out new frames while I'm at it. And frankly, the choices of eye glass frames are too many. So I'm tempted by my stay-in-the-safe-zone nature to just keep my old glassess and muddle on as I am- out dated and out of focus.

Except that I really do want to see clearly. I can't stand being in the dark about things. Lately I realize that the term "walking by faith" is not that accurate a description. Sometimes Faith is more of a frantic groping for something firm, stumbling in the dark, walking into No Where Land. When you "see" nothing before you, and you still remember your convictions of God's Love and His promised presence, that's when you are carrying the torch of Faith. It's blazing and it's bright- but it still doesn't light the path before you. You still may be in the dark about a lot of things.

I was reading through one of my favorite chapters, Hebrews 11, when I noticed how often the term "did not see" was mentioned or alluded to. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen...so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible...must believe that HE is (even though you can't see God)...By faith, Noah being warned of things not yet seen....Abraham...went out, not knowing where he was going (He didn't see "Homeland" in blazing lights before him.Probably all he saw was dust in the wind!).

There's more and more references to this factor of trusting God and hearing Him though you don't see Him. Though you don't see how He can get you to where you need to be. Though you don't see the solution or even see how there could possibly be one.

It seems God really gets psyched about our belief in His ability to be Everything we need- to the point that what we see-or don't see before us- becomes irrelevant. God loves people who not only walk by faith, but live by faith, stumble ahead by faith, keep the faith.

There's a fine line between being faith-filled and being filled with foolishness and stupidity. Frankly, the account of Noah building an ark, by faith, doesn't help us walk this fine line. I don't know that I would hang out with any Noahs today. I don't like crazy Christians, weird religious people, extreme fanatics. They scare me. They probably scare you too.

But I don't care for drippy drab middle-of-the line-believers either. There's nothing powerful or inspiring about someone who never takes risks, never believes big, and never gets near to looking ridicuolous- because they were moved by faith. And it seems God isn't too big on these kind of people either.

He's ready to reward those who believe in His amazing power and love. He's looking for those radicals who will draw nearer to Him at the risk of becoming a little too risky in their behavior. He's not looking to make anyone become a weirdo or a nutcase. It's just that in this strange world we live in, people moved by faith look even stranger.

But remember, what you see is not everything. We have yet to see and experience the wonder of what God wants to do in our lives if we will just rely less on what we see and instead hang on to the One who sees it ALL.

Pizza, Polls, and Potential

2009-05-17T17:30:00.003-04:00

What a beauty! Yes the picture is a bit blurry, but the taste was superb. The yellow peppers, particularly, were sweet and juicy and mixed well with the sweet onion and olive oil drizzled all over it.

Alex made a calzone that had so many layers of cheese, we estimated the cost for the cheese alone to be over $10! So remember, making homemade pizza is not always cost effective- but who says everything has to be economical?!

Now this post has nothing to do with the deep things of life, and is not about wrestling with fear, or probing the underworld of subconscious thought, or dealing with the intricate issues that come up when you explore what faith is.

This post is simply about the kind of joy that you taste with your mouth. It's about taking time to do things like make homemade pizza and make a mess while you're at it. Staying neat and clean is over rated!

(P.S. Have you taken the poll on the right side column of the blog? Step right up and vote for your favorite pizza topping. Vote now! Not because it's going to cause world peace or create some huge change for good, but simply because its your vote, its your opinion...and it matters!)

Swimming WITH the Tide

2009-05-16T14:52:00.004-04:00

It's pizza night tonight. Our creative juices are flowing and we are anticipating the feel of the pizza dough in our hands, the taste of the cheese melting in our mouth, the music playing loudly (I think it will be Kenny G tonight) and the sense of satisfaction we get from eating something delicious that we know how to make. We started out with some doughy crust, wrong sauce, not enough onions or mushrooms, and over time, we developed our pizazz with pizza- and boy are we glad!

We're pretty good at making pizza. And we're good at other things too. And of course, there's some things we're not too good at: like washing windows ( I do them intermittently- not regularly, like my mother did), keeping our car clean inside (it's more of a traveling trash and storage bin), and taking better care of Harry's ears (they should be cleaned regularly, but he dreads this, I dread doing it, and so...it doesn't get done that often).

I can tell you the things we're not good at- that I know we're not good at. But I can't tell you about the things we are failing in if I'm not yet aware of those things. And lately, I've been noticing how a lot of people's relationships, and sense of confidence and self awareness, have to do with our competencies and with our awareness of our competencies. And vice versa- cause you don't know what you don't know.

That's why I've thoroughly enjoyed reading Noah St John's book, The Secret Code of Success, because he delves into the some interesting issues having to do with success, competence, the sub conscious, and choice. He talks about the factor of being "unconsciously competent at allowing yourself to succeed". There are many people doing amazing things and doing them well- and yet they are not necessarily applying themselves more or working harder than someone else who is not succeeding in their attempt at something. They might just be unconsciously competent at something you can't, for the life of you, do.

Our family, for example, does not diligently work at making pizza night a success (but perhaps you might find it a lot of work and too much mess). It just is a Success because of many reasons: 1) I come from a long line of cooks/chefs (not professional ones, just people who loved to eat, knew how to work with food, and enjoyed doing it every day), so my husband and children have acclimated to this syndrome of always "working with" our food and enjoying the process, 2) This is how we cut loose and be loud and crazy and it really is good for our family to express itself this way, and 3) we love to taste the fruit of our labor- literally.

This is just an example- our pizza night- of one of our successes. Success has to do with flowing in a gift, reaping the fruit of your labor, and enjoying the process. Success is NOT about straining and striving and trudging up hill, against the grain, against the flow. Success is about Releasing your gift, Rejoicing in how God made you, and Remembering that God invented the whole process of sowing and reaping, of planting and harvesting. A successful day is a day lived fully. A successful family is a family being who they are, realizing their uniqueness, treasuring their time together.

I'm just thinking about that word a lot, lately. I'm seeing Success in a whole new light- and I'm seeing myself in a whole new way too. I've looked at certain so-called successful people, in the past, and thought they were successful because they were amazingly good at certain things that I could not do or achieve, like they did. Now I see that they may have simply- not heroically- been flowing in a gift, swimming with the tide- not against it.

It may be that I've spent too much time swimming against the current. I may have needlessly climbed too many mountains- instead of skiing or coasting down the mountains and yelling out deliriously with joy as I did. Maybe Success is more at my fingertips than I realized. It's like God- He's right there. He's not far away. And what a joyous discovery we make when we discover this truth!

So yeah, tonight is Pizza Night. It's an expression of who we are as a family. It's a night when our creativity flows. We're in the groove. We're in the Zone. We'll celebrate all that comes easily to us, all that we know how to do and that we thank God we know how to do. We rejoice in our competencies. Cause there's plenty of time to be aware of weaknesses and lack. Tonight we celebrate abundance and we celebrate Success. And it not only feels good to do so, but it sure tastes good too.

Alive and Kicking

2009-05-15T09:41:00.004-04:00

What a week! Yesterday was the first day I did not have a doctor's visit scheduled for my son, Alex. This was a scary Asthma attack- the worst he's had in a long time. But the strangest thing about this stressful week was that it was also blissful. Really.

Part of the bliss was that our family was together. Having our son home from college- even if he was very sick and half out of it, at times- was like finding something that I had lost and didn't know I lost. I missed my son this year- terribly. And I didn't know how much I missed him; didn't know how much our home needed him here to make us all feel alive and together and blessed.

So yes- my week was blessed and stressed. But as he got better, day by day, my joy increased. Our laughter rang out. Harry, the couch potato that he is, got even more relaxed. The house got messier. Our schedule revolved around asthma treatments and medicine and cooking the most nutritious meals I could think of. And our home swelled with love.

Now, don't think I'm forgetting how much my son turns me gray! He still likes to push the envelope, stress me out, assert his individuality, stay up late, play his music loud. But you might say I am also going through a new stage in my life, in my faith: I am launching out into the deep, radically choosing right things for me, purposefully carving out a path that I would want to stay on and not just try out temporarily. I'm asserting myself, too- and I might just blast my music loudly!

I've been taking deep breaths and sighing with contentment lately. There's a sense of God's goodness all around me that I am more aware of than I ever have before. And the opportunity to choose Good, choose well and choose wisely, is before me in clear sight. There's a lot of things I have to make decisions about, but I am not feeling that stressed about these choices.

So while my college-aged son may live life loud and messily this summer, he is also going to have a mom who is feeling her youth being renewed, her stamina recharged, her sense of adventure whetted and ignited. Life is for the living. I'm alive and well. And more than that, I'm glad that I am.

Thank You for the Present

2009-05-11T08:48:00.003-04:00

Dear Bill, Alex, Abby- and of course, Harry- and all the rest of you precious ones,

Thank you for a most interesting and precious Mother's Day. The fact that we were all together- at home, at the hospital emergency room, back at home again- well, that's what made the day so valuable, even if it was stressful at times.

Of course we started the day right, didn't we? I made the best french toast ever- even if I almost burned the bacon. But that was right after you told me, Alex, that you didn't feel well and wanted to see the doctor. Then I knew you were really sick. So we ate our breakfast and hurried off to the doctor appointment I made. Thank God, literally, that our pediatrician's office was on call this weekend. And that they're only a two minute trip away by car. And that they know you and your history of asthma and pneumonia, and that they take such good care of you always. Thank God.

And of course when they told us we needed to take you to the emergency room, thank God they called ahead and requested that you be seen immediately upon entering the Emergency room. We had packed a bag of snacks and water bottles because we thought it might be a long day at the emergency room. Dad packed the snacks because he thought ahead. he always does. And Abby was organized and efficient as ever- like a second junior mother. I told her she'd be a great nurse, while we were waiting for the doctor's assessment of Alex's breathing, but that I didn't want her to be a nurse because the job was so hard and stressful and grueling. She assured me she didn't want to be a nurse either- but then we thanked God for those people who did. Thank God for nurses.

The X-ray showed Alex did have pneumonia- and I thought it would be the case. Mother's intuition. I felt relieved that antibiotics would soon be doing their incredible work in your body and that you'd respond to them and start to improve. The breathing treatments and steroids had already worked their wonder on you, Alex, and I suddenly remembered that I should remember to breathe. I hold my breath a lot, unconsciously, when I'm stressed out. Abby patted my hand a lot while we were at the emergency room- but we also laughed together over the funny and often sarcastic comments that you often make, Alex. We knew you'd be okay because you had enough strength to be your witty wonderful self- even if you do like to push the envelope and my hot buttons all at the same time.

When we got home, Harry was there, waiting for us, all placid and calm. I felt like a wreck- especially after I got all the prescriptions filled at the nearby pharmacist. Thank God for pharmacists. I talked with our doctor by phone to decide which medicines Alex needed more of and assured her we would call again in the morning and come in to have them check on Alex again.

So we did what we always do if we're feeling happy to be together as a family, and hungry as well- we made homemade pizza. Probably the best pizzas we ever made. Or was it because everyone ( but me) ate them so gratefully and hungrily- and with relief. I ate with relief, at least; the little I could eat. I was just glad we were all well- or at least on our way to being well.

Bill folded laundry- because Alex had only come home the night before (he came home sick, exhausted, and with a ton of dirty laundry), and already my husband found a way to accomplish several loads of wash during the stressful day we just had. So Bill folded laundry and I collapsed on the bed.Abby gave me a foot rub. Then I coaxed Alex to lie down and relax and he finally gave in and collapsed on the bed next to me. Harry jumped up on the bed and joined us. And we were one happy family. I felt such bliss- cause we made it through the day and even had some fun delicious moments interspersed through the day.

So what if I spent my Mother's Day at the doctor's office and then Emergency room and then finally back at home. We spent it together.My kids are with me. I had incredible help and support from all kinds of wonderful people throughout the day.

You might just say that it was probably the best Mother's Day I've ever had. Cause all throughout the day I was so aware of how so many people do so much to help so many. Mothers need these kind of people in their lives. Every one needs helpful people in their life. And they are out there.

So thank you, everyone who touched our life yesterday; thank you for the best present I could have on Mother's Day. You all helped me survive as a mother- and more than that, I triumphed. Cause love conquers all. And there was a lot of love yesterday. An awful lot of love.

Quote for the Week

2009-05-08T09:27:00.002-04:00

"The word progress comes from the Latin progredi, which means 'to step forward'. Life is not about being perfect; it's about having the courage to move forward one step at a time."

-Noah St. John, Author

Every Time I Eat an Avocado

2009-05-04T18:47:00.006-04:00

I stuffed myself with more fajitas than I should have eaten, really- but only because I had put chopped avocado in the fajitas I custom designed, and I just can't say no to avocado or anything that has avocado in it. Sprinkle salt and pepper on a half a ripe avocado and eat it right out of the skin. Delicious.

I never eat an avocado without thinking of my Dad. Never. He was the one who introduced me to the taste of avocado- as well as to any other interesting, exotic, foreign flavor. Dad would be eating an avocado with a spoon and glancing over at me (well, glancing down at me, because I was little) and he would purse his lips and murmur how delicious it was and how I could not have any avocado.

But maybe someday I might be able to taste it, he would add. Someday. And so one day after he thought I had waited long enough, had longed for it long enough (because that was what he was trying to do- get me to long for something I wouldn't have normally longed for), he gave me a taste of it. And of course, I loved it. Mission accomplished.

So tonight, like several nights a week, I ate half an avocado, thought of my Dad, remembered how he wanted to always introduce me to the best and brightest of flavors and experiences. He still wants me to have the best of experiences. I thought of him tonight, and I thought of how he was trying so hard to be tender and caring with my Mom the other day.

Mom's not doing too well. It's getting bad again- the depression, her desire to stay in bed, the fear. I didn't handle it well. I had gone over for a visit and tried to get my Mom to enjoy the new clothes we had bought her: soft, pastel cotton tops, comfortable velour sweat pants, a sweater with pockets for her tissues. But that kind of comfort and beauty wasn't going to meet her need that day.

Dad was patient. He tried to talk to her and get her to accept our love, our help, our interest in trying to make things nicer for her. We wanted her to come for a drive with us, and get a bite to eat. She wanted to stay in bed. She wanted to sleep and let the world fade away- let whatever was bothering her fade into dreamland. She closed her eyes and took her nap. We took a deep breath...and went out for a quick lunch. And the world went on. I came home. Went to sleep. Got up today. Went about my day. Enjoyed the sunlight. Ate an avocado tonight.

This has been a long journey. Our whole family is on an interesting bumpy, uphill, sometimes downhill journey. It's a long journey spiced with good memories and sometimes sad ones, and flavored with love, salty tears, trying times, special times, and yes, the wonderful taste of avocado.

Swine Flu and The Things That Matter to You

2009-04-30T08:18:00.006-04:00

Education is good, but too much information- which can come through education- might be overwhelming. If you want to be an informed, upstanding good citizen, you should listen to the nightly news. If you want to be sane, sober minded and healthy with peace and perspective, you might not want to listen to the nightly news- at least not listen to it too much. It's a coin toss, really.

Wow, what a ride we are having in this nation. It's been a roller coaster. Between the upheaval in the economy, the drastic downturn in the stock market, the escalating unemployment rate, the horrific housing market, and now the threat of swine flu, we are all asking ourselves if we mistakenly woke up in the middle of a nightmare! And if that is the case, it seems we're trying to find a way to get back to restful sleep so that we can possibly wake up in a better part of this dream. When will things get better? Can they get better?

I'm not a medical expert, and I'm not a financial seer, and I'm not a prominent government leader with power to make some fast concrete changes that would affect the masses, so I may not seem to be anyone you should listen to. And you shouldn't listen to me if I speak from my own insight and human perspective.

But let's just see if we can tap into the great mysterious underground of God's Wisdom and Love and see if we can find something very concrete to stand on here. Nobody is looking for another Kum-by-ya song or some rote prayer or some foolish human proclamation of peace when there is no peace. It seems we're all looking for the most concrete, most grounded thing we can stand on- at least in these times.

This is not what we were looking for years ago. Years ago what we were looking for was an exhilarating ride into greatness or wealth. We were looking for fast trips and luxury and more and more things to satisfy our longing for More. Some of us were looking for career advancement, recognition. Some of us were looking for romance or for Mr. Right- and the T.V. show, The Bachelor, became a great fun way to vicariously help someone find their true love. In years past, rock solid BORING stability was not what we were looking for.

But that's what many of us are looking for now. Peaceful days. A Cook out with true friends and loved ones by our side. A glance at our kids and a sigh of relief that they're all healthy and safe. A look at our bank account and a feeling of peace that there's enough- not much- but enough, enough to pay bills. A job to go to- never mind it being a great job or having a promising future. These are the things that we are finally content with. And we're content with these simple things, now, because we're in scary times. And scary times make people take inventory of what is the most needed in their life.

I think, then, that we might possibly be in the best of possible times- only because we are grounded into reality, called upon to take an account of our life and of what is true and what is necessary and what is loved; only because we are experiencing tremors and rumblings and de-stabilizing events and so we want the most rock solid thing that we can find now. We want Stability. We want Strength. We want Security... and where is it??!

It's Here. HE IS here, I should say. God is with us.

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom,
courageous in seastorm and earthquake,
Before the rush and roar of oceans,
the tremors that shift mountains.

Jacob-wrestling God fights for us,
God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. Psalm 46:1-3

I love how Brenda Waggoner brought up a powerful quote from Oswald Chambers, in her book Fairy Tale Faith: "Oswald Chambers says that if we are to have 'staying power during the alarm moments of life,' we have to be grounded in God's basic truths." We are experiencing the "alarm moments of life." Right now.

Well some of us have been spouting off Bible quotes about God's love for years, some of us have been writing about how God is Powerful and that we should believe in Him, and some of us have been aware that there is a God who created the world and that He supposedly is Able to Keep us From Falling- but now we are going to have to live those beliefs as purposefully and intently as a marathon runner trains and zeros in on that last mile.

We've got to be pit bulls of the Faith, not pampered and spoiled poodles. We've got to laugh in the face of danger, not at any one's misfortune and not because we are insane or foolish- but because when our laughter rings out, by faith, God laughs too. Joy electrifies a troubled situation. Peace permeates the prison and the locked doors split open. People walk out into the sun shine and declare they are not going to be afraid. Not while they know the most amazing truth that God not only will reign and be Strong- but that He will reign in their life and be Strong on their behalf.

Can You Tell What I Believe?

2009-04-29T07:54:00.004-04:00

I'm going from reading a beautiful and rather soothing book, The Noticer, to reading a book that is so direct and caustic in tone that the author, Larry Winget, is described as "the pit bull of personal development". You might ask if I'm crazy for selecting his book to read or if I just have a mini death wish. But it's for the very fact that I don't want to be crazy or at all unstable or imbalanced that I deliberately choose books to read that are outside of my comfort zone.

It's good for me to not have everything delivered to me on a silver platter. (But if I could have Tea and toast with marmalade, delivered to me on a silver platter once a week, I'd take it in a heartbeat!). And if Truth needs to come at me disguised in tough words and sharp, straight shooting observations, so be it. The main thing is that you get more and more of the truth; that your eyes get opened, that light and revelation come.

Everyone knows that famous speech Martin Luther King Jr. gave, "I Have a Dream"- but not everyone knows what your particular dream is- do they? Everyone has a dream. Even the most placid and methodical of us have a dream deep inside- even if they don't think they do.

Some people just have a dream that they will one day be free from anxiety. Some people have a dream of something more concrete- like owning a BMW Convertible. Both those dreams sound good to me, but one of them is more crucial to a prosperous life- and it isn't the dream of the BMW. You can live without a BMW but you can't live with anxiety and fear choking the life out of you. That is not living it up. That is not the abundant life.

Just the subtitle of this book makes me remember the truth that we, as humans, sometimes sabotage ourselves- though we forget that truth, ignore that truth, or rebel against the thought of it being true. And I think self-sabotage might come from the root of not wanting to love yourself. To really love and care for your soul, you have to free yourself to receive God's goodness and to believe His promises of provision and care. You can't have a bent in you that rejects good- even if its at a tiny almost invisible level.

My best friend, Mu, and I chatted by phone yesterday morning and we wound up discussing mental health and the battle that today's Christian has to not only hold his or her steadfast convicitions, but to also live this abundant life Christ talked about. And to live an abundant life you have to be healthy in your spirit. "Out of you shall flow rivers of living water" Christ said, but sometimes instead its rivers of tears and weeping over what troubles us, what we're anxious about, what assails our spirit and makes us unwell.

For all the proclamations we Christians make about God's Love, and God Bless You, and Thank God, and God is Good- we really might not be believers- true believers- of these statements. Whether we are real believers of these truths will show up in not only what we give to others of ourselves, but in what we are willing to receive- directly from the hand of God, and from the hand of God expressed through others.

Lately I care very little about details of doctrine, and I am caring much more about the reality of what I believe as it is expressed in not only my words and actions but in my thought life and mind-peace in particular. This is my latest thought- that the best witness I can be for the reality of Christ in me, the Hope of Glory- is that troubled people, anxious people, worried people (and I think there's a lot of them in this world, don't you?) that these people, if they were hanging out with me for a day, would say that their experience with me resonated with grace, peace, soundness of mind, healthiness of spirit.

This experience I'm having with knowing the reality of the peace and grace of God so concretely that I am healthy in my emotions and thinking- this experience is powerful. It's powerful not just because it is Abundance, it is Strength all the way to my bones- but it's powerful because it touches others. It can cause a ripple effect that surges into waves of blessing. It's powerful because a healthy mind at peace and at rest is going to wind up being sought after and prized more than having a convertible or a million dollars.

That's what I'm thinking today. Do you see what I'm talking about here? I'd love to know your thoughts.

And may your thoughts today be sound and healthy and stayed on Him.

What You've Possibly Been Searching For

2009-04-27T09:04:00.008-04:00

This book is a bit confusing at first (is it a memoir? fiction? a self help book phrased as a parable?), somewhat pedantic and preachy at times, but possibly one of the best books I've ever read- as far as it being A LIFE CHANGING READ. And frankly, that's why I read books.

Yes, there's times when I read for an enjoyable breezy ride that distracts me from my momentary troubles. And then there's times when I read memoirs, in particular, and am engrossed in the pain and the beauty of someone's actual life and thereby moved and provoked to appreciate my own life.

But for the most part I read hungrily, thirstily- like a woman in the desert searching for a spring of water. And what I'm searching for is Truth. Revelation. Wisdom. Something concrete and foundational to stand on- cause I don't like feeling shakey or sketchy in my thinking.

The Noticer, by Motivational Speaker Andy Andrews, is a book for someone like me, then. Perhaps its because the author of the book might have just taken a similar route in life as I have: he's gone through some good and some painful times, has questioned about what it all means, has read voraciously and with intent to learn and glean, and now he wants to share the bounty in his basket.

This book is not sensational or sizzling, or intricate in plot and character development. It might be slow moving at times, or it might be a little too fairy tale like. What's with this character, Jones? Is he an angel? Did this really happen as Andrews writes it? How embellished is the story or how much has it been crafted with poetic license in order to turn it into a living parable? These are the issues I have with the book.

But the blessings in this book make me say- who cares about all of that? Does a drowning man care about the saving person's background and style? No, he only cares about the rope being tossed. And this is what Andy Andrews throws out to the reader: his own wealth of experience and his accumulation of insight and PERSPECTIVE from having read thousands of books, biographies, historical accounts of people in crisis and what these people learned. Andrews then presents to the reader a simple story that has a prophetic undercurrent.

If you know how to put your ear to the ground, so to speak, and listen for the rumbling of God's voice or feel the presence of God through someone's words, then you will love this book. I say that firmly and I say that prophetically. If you're hungering for the beautiful peace and hope that come from getting a new look at life, at yourself, you will feast your way through this book.

I went through this book with a pen and marked the statements that spoke to my heart. I marked up the book a lot. I felt certain statements and insights were directed at me specifically. For example, when I read "I say to you that, as you lay your head down tonight, you are sleeping on fertile ground" -I felt as if I had received a blessing and a proclamation. It was true. It is true. I suddenly saw it and believed it in a way I couldn't have agreed with before.

People who struggle with worry, and fear, regret over old age, questions about making right choices- you'll read this book and think it is a gift from God that you did. At least that's what I think you would feel. And if you didn't feel blessed and surprised by this book's influence on your life, maybe it would be because you had discovered some of these truths and powerful principles already. Maybe you are filled with a lot of wisdom already.

If so, please write a book and share with us all this bounty of blessed insight and perspective. 'Cause that's what Andy Andrews did- he prepared and set out for the reader to enjoy all that had brewed within him, all that he had learned from having been burdened and then blessed to have been relieved of. He shared his life and he shared all that he has read over the years, through the words of a character named Jones.

And more than that, he shared a key. Take it if you want. Use it to open the door. The door to what, you ask? Well, only you could know that.

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*I am a member of Thomas Nelson's Book Review Blogger Program. Check it out: Thomas Nelson

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Opening the Treasure Chest of Wisdom

2009-04-24T09:01:00.005-04:00

I'm having the time of my life, lately. That it coincides with Spring, warm weather and sunshine (we're going to hit the high 70's today!! woo-hoo!!) just adds icing to the cake. A lot of this joy I'm feeling has come from my perspective changing on things, and my perspective has changed because of who I'm talking to and what I'm reading.

Let me tell you- I am one wealthy person! Well, at least when it comes to access to books and ideas. I have a great huge public library (well, I don't have it as in own it, but I might as well own it with the way I have complete access to all the benefits of it and none of the responsibilities that go with ownership except that of returning my books on time). This library is literally within a couple miles of my house, and I practically salivate at the thought of going to it- which happens to be at a rate of 3-4 times a week, usually.

I'm a book hog- and I don't make any apologies. Now my daughter has joined the rank of Book Hogs United and we both plan our trips to the library and what we're picking up when we get there as if we were miners talking about a pending gold strike.

I'm about to update my reading list (side column) but for now, let me say that I'm reading 3-4 books at the same time and I don't want to get through these too fast. I don't want the journey to end too quickly.

Here's a brief nugget of wisdom that came to me today after reading just a bit in two of the books. You might say that I'm coming up with a few enlightened conclusions of my own after compiling the honesty and wisdom and truth and perspective that I get out of these books: I am a person who has battled through some trials, but I never realized that in battling so long and so hard, that I might get to the point where I might not be able to just relax and enjoy Times of Refreshing- if they came.

And they have come- these times of refreshing, this season of coming out of the trench and realizing that its not all about battles and challenges. Sometimes its about laughing and living and loving and lightening up. Seriously- I need to be a bit more frivolous and light hearted and....dare I say...irresponsible. I only say that because I know myself- and for me, leaning towards irresponsibility, instead of tightly clenched and stoic responsibility, is a good thing. Its needed. It's high time. Enough of adversity. It's time for....Hmmmm. Time for something else.

If God uses adversity and trials to polish us and purify our hearts, then what is the opposite of adversity and what does this Opposite accomplish in our lives? I think the opposite of Adversity is Prosperity- and in this time of political and economic unease and despair, even- how the heck do I think I should be feeling prosperous, much less actually be prosperous?

Well, I'll get to that. For now I just want to tell you, my readers, that I feel like a kid in the candy shop. I'm finding out that God hides joy under heavy boulders. That there are surprises- good surprises- ahead of me, and not just calamity, catastrophe, and cautious times.

I want to tell you about one excellent book, in particular, that I'm reading- but I'll be writing a thorough review of that in a couple more days. For now, you might say I'm a walking review of it. See me grinning ear to ear and my shoulders relaxed and my eyes sparkling and reflecting a zest for life again. It's not always uphill.

And by the way, nothing big or significant has happened in my life these past couple days. I didn't inherit a million. I didn't win a trip to Bermuda (but I 'd like to!). I just dove into some great reading, opened my heart, felt God touch me through these authors- through what they were saying, and what I was then saying to God- and now I'm just walking with a lighter step and a sunnier outlook.

You might say I feel like a prosperous woman. And that's probably the first step to prosperity after all.

The Winning Combination

2009-04-20T08:40:00.002-04:00

Last night was pizza night. Normally Friday night is the night we make homemade pizza, but we moved it over a couple nights due to other events happening, as well as the fact that you have to be in a creative, fun loving, happy mood when you make pizza at our house.

First, my husband Bill puts on some Michale Buble or Tony Bennett and the music gets us feeling light hearted. Then the homemade pizza dough gets divided into 3 pieces ( 4 pieces when our son is home from college) and Bill, Abby, and I each start stretching the dough in our pans. Abby makes a cheese pizza and will add bits of buffalo chicken. Bill does a veggie style pizza with lots of onion and green pepper and mushroom. I love doing a mushroom and sweet sausage pizza- when I remember to buy the sausage earlier in the day.

The flour flies, the music plays loudly, the dog gets under our feet, and in the end- twenty minutes later- we have 3 gorgeous pizzas coming out of a hot oven. We feast on them and feel creative and well fed and full. Life is good. Our pizza night is always a success.

But we have other nights when we are out of sorts, not creative, and the meal is slightly burned or flat tasting. it could be that our Pizza night always turns out to be successful because we've been at this for a couple years now. We've tried different sauces, I've doctored the pizza dough recipe, and we've been getting sillier and more wild as we make them. We look forward to Pizza Night because we've come to expect a great experience and great flavor.

The winning combination of success and more success is hard to find. Usually what we experience is success, then failure, then a bit of success, then lots of failure- and if we stop there, it could be a long time before we experience success again.

Trying something for the first time, and then trying it again, is an important ingredient of Success. So you could also say that Risk taking is essential to Success Making. You try something, and therefore you risk something. There's not a lot of sure things in this life. Instead, there's a lot of Maybe-but Perhaps Not-Then Again Maybe.

So many Christians try to make the Christian life sound like its a sure thing- that you get instant peace with God, a fulfilled life, great sleep at night, and no worries because you've now Got God. I don't know that we ever "get God". We don't get what He's up to. We don't get why He allows things to happen in our life. We don't get the full benefits of knowing Him- because we rarely know Him fully. We know Him in part. We see Him in glimpses and in rare wonderful moments. And then we lose sight, or we lost perspective, or we lose the joy of risking and reaching out and trying to find Him again.

I've had some incredible successful moments in my walk with God, where I had epiphanies and revelations and experiences that were intense, meaningful, satisfying- as in cold water given to a sun scorched soul. I've also had some failures in my walk- times when I felt frustrated with God, when I thought God was all about the gain that you get from only pain. I've had times when I couldn't see Him or feel His presence, and I felt deep in darkness and despair, only to suddenly get a sighting of Him that lit up my day and my heart and made me feel wonderful and sad at the same time- because I doubted that He would ever show up again. We're both sad whenever I doubt Him.

The winning combination of success and failure, knowing God and then forgetting what you knew of Him, gaining ground and then losing ground- this combination is our life. Failure can be a stepping stone to success. Going through dark times can mean that experiencing the wonderful times is even sweeter and more fulfilling.

All the nights I've burned dinner, or over cooked the chicken till it was leathery and dry, are forgotten on Pizza Night. On pizza night we live it up. We relish the taste, the experience, the joy of trying to get the winning combination. WE eat the fruit of the labor of our hands and we're glad we got the chance to try something, fail, succeed, and in the end get a mouthful of something so good that we want to do it again.

Simply Sensational

2009-04-18T18:49:00.003-04:00

The dog is clipped, the house is clean, and there's even a warm coffee cake cooling on the counter- a sign that I felt enterprising (and hungry enough) to bake. I came back with a load of groceries this afternoon, and while I was out earlier, I even ran in the parking lot while I was returning my shopping cart to the stall. This elderly gentleman smiled at me and I think I knew what he was thinking- go ahead and run, run while you can. Run while you're strong enough to run.

It's good to feel like a weight is lifted from your shoulders. Today I decided to just enjoy life- and in particular, this day. This is the only day I can claim, right now. And today I have a strong and young enough body to prance across a parking lot and vigorously stir up a thick coffee cake batter. Today is what I tackle and what I enjoy- if I dare to.

So it's a simple Saturday. Hope your Saturday is sensational as well- even if you're not doing sensational things. Sometimes just doing some simple things, and doing them with a light heart, makes all the difference.

Home Base Bliss

2009-04-17T09:27:00.003-04:00

Thank God for the birds chirping outside or I would forget it's Spring. Sometimes I'm wrestling with issues from my past like someone dealing with snow removal and the snow never stops coming. There's got to be a time and place when you just forget "dealing" with stuff and you decide to just breathe, take a deep breath, smile, relax, and be -what feels like to you- slightly irresponsible and carefree.

Harry is content and at peace- and that is amazing because he got clipped and shorn the other day, like a sheep at the shearers. But this was a different experience for him. The truth is, the grooming place where I had been taking him really didn't care to have Harry return. They said they would groom him if I really needed to bring him in, but there was a sound of resignation in the woman's voice when she said it. I knew what she meant: don't bring that skitzy, nervous, pooping dog in here, please!

So I didn't. I found someone who comes to your home, parks in your driveway, and clips and cleans your dog from the little shelter of her minivan equipped with doggy bath, generator, air conditioner, grooming table. And this sweet woman was not some battle ax of a woman, but a sweet talking blonde wisp of a thing. Harry loved her.

She spent three hours in her van with him and when he emerged, he looked like a little lamb, and acted like one too. He wasn't cowering and acting neurotic and rushing to a corner to hide for three days, like he would have if I had taken him somewhere to get groomed.

"He kept staring out the van window and he knew where he was, so he didn't seem to be that scared" she told me.

It's good to feel like you know where you are- that you're safe at home base. I do happen to know several people who struggle with fear of leaving home, fear of open spaces, fearing of treading new ground in new places. I have a lot of empathy for anyone who struggles to come out of their shell, out of their home, out of their past.

It's a lot of work to clip a nervous dog- and its a lot of work to stabilize someone who is nervous and full of anxiety but maybe doesn't have all the words to aptly describe why they're experiencing what they're experiencing.

My husband and daughter and I are celebrating our dog's recent experience with Success. This past grooming experience was successful. The dog is no longer matted and dirty and his ears are clean and healthy now. But more than that, he's not traumatized or further induced to avoid the groomer with even more hysteria. No, he might just walk out, the next time, and greet the groomer happily, and jump into her doggy spa van and let her do her thing.

So I'm thinking that maybe I should also try to deal with the things that scare me or trouble me by deciding if I really do need to deal with them head on, feet first, plunging into them like a scared swimmer jumping into ice cold water. Maybe there's a way to find better places, better relationships, better scenarios. Maybe I can spend more time authorizing myself to choose better and choose wisely so I spend less time as a victim or as a unwilling participant in a scene that I didn't have to enter.

All this wisdom and musing can be attributed to the fact that I got to observe my dog go through something that, this time, wasn't an ordeal. This time it was palatable. Next time it might even be enjoyable.

And that's what I'm heading for: enjoying life, enjoying the fruit of the labor of my hands, enjoying the journey. Because there's choices along the way. And I want to make good ones. I don't always get to choose what I'm going to go through- but when I do, I want to choose well.

Now I'm off to walk the dog and notice the birds chirping. It's a good day.

Stale Marshmallow Bunnies and New Thoughts on Grace

2009-04-14T07:45:00.006-04:00

The marshmallow bunnies are all on clearance and there's rainbow colored jelly beans everywhere you look. Easter is over. We're in the midst of Spring. This should be a bright sunny season of our life. But just because its Spring and just because Christ rose from the dead and we can, potentially, have a life of victory and overcoming power, doesn't mean we do. Well, we do- and we don't. It's that already-but-not-yet syndrome of the Christian life that we're always wrestling with.

Just because I celebrated Christ's resurrection on Sunday, doesn't mean that I live a life of new thoughts, new hopes and new dreams. I don't. A lot of old stuff creeps into my life and I deal with moldy thoughts and decaying dreams. I sort through a lot of stuff, mentally, and am always trying to figure out what is outdated, what is lost or futile, and what is locked in lack of grace. I should probably be concentrating on more on where the grace is, where the light is- but its human nature to mourn and regret and look back.

I'm reading Jon Katz's latest book and its beautiful and sweet and troubling. He had a troubled childhood. He loves animals. He's a gifted writer. So what results from that combination is a story about his life on a farm with his animals and the underlying feelings and memories we have when we're stroking the top of our dog's head, or feeling soothed by their weight as they lean against us, sighing with contentment. We're comforted by our animal companions, but we're sometimes enjoying their companionship while feeling alone at the same time because these pets know nothing of the weight of pressures and responsibilities we face.

My dog, Harry, is usually contented and at rest. He lives to be near me- and if I'm not available, he'll take my husband or kids as second choice. He mourned my son's absence for a while- when he went off to college- but now Harry has adjusted to the changes in our household.

That's the key thing- isn't it?- adjusting to the changes that take place in our life, however small or large they may be. Seems to me that those who are agile and quick to adjust to change do better than those of us who wrestle with why the change is occurring instead of getting with the reality that Change has occurred.

If you're going through a trial or challenge right now, a dog's warm furry body pressed against you as you stare vacantly out a window might comfort you some. But it can't take away the feeling of weight or worry. And meditating on the power God has to raise the dead can help you lift your eyes and ask Him for help- but it can't take away the scenario you face. You're going to walk through the valley of the shadow of death: maybe death of a dream or a hope you had, maybe death of innocence or naivete, or maybe its the death of a plan you had to get you someplace- any place but where you are.

I take comfort in the fact that for everyone who heard the news of Christ's resurrection, there was disbelief, a sense of incredulity, doubt even, and denial. How can it be? How can LIFE occur when all is lost, gone, or without breath? How can I think it's not over when I was told it's all over?

God likes to rattle our cages. He loves to cheer up the downtrodden. And He especially likes to prove me wrong when I tell Him I'm too weary to get excited about anything because life is too uphill.

That's when God turns the tables, turns my world upside down, and makes me go flying deliriously downhill like a skier shooting down the mountain- only now its not a terrifying trip but a coasting down over the very mountains that I had just been trying to climb. God decides when you can't take anymore- and He's a very good judge of our actual abilities to cope.

And when we feel like we're at the edge of what we can stand, He has an experience in mind that changes what we think about ourselves, our God, our trial, our life. It's an experience of grace. And it will be there when you need it most.

Guy with the Guitar- You Know Who You Are

2009-04-13T09:18:00.004-04:00

What a great Easter celebration we had yesterday. At church, in the middle of worship with a choir backing up the main worship leader, they started a new song and there was a voice singing- an incredible true beautiful voice- and we didn't know where it was coming from.

"Who's singing?" my husband asked. "It's a different voice. It's not the main worship leader- but I can't see who it is that's singing because there's so many on the stage".

"It's the guy with the guitar, I think. The electric guitar," I whispered back. Or maybe it's a bass guitar- I don't know much about those instruments. But I do know a good voice when I hear it.

It wasn't a good voice as in trained, professional, or even superior sounding. It just rang out so true and so clear and so haunting that it drew us into worship. This guy was talented. But he was more than that. He has been hidden. He's still a bit hidden- at least to us. We don't know his name. We don't know his background. We don't know if he has a desire to pursue a career in singing- or if his own talent and beauty is hidden even from himself.

I hope he knows what a gift God has given him. I wanted to say something to him after church, but I didn't see him until we were walking out the building. I'm going to try to find him next week and let him know how touched I was by his part in the worship team. I want to let him know he has something rare and true and honest and soul searing; that his voice may have a rare anointing on it. That even though he may have tried to pursue a singing career or a segue way into the music industry and maybe met with some obstacles, to not give up!

Or maybe he is already on his way. Maybe the doors are wide open and he has experienced favor and success and encouragement all over the place. I kinda doubt it (being the pessimist that I am! Well, a reformed pessimist who is open to being optimistic). Most people meet with more defeat than they do success. At least early on. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

But I'm not about to let that influence me entirely. I love to see people find their way, pursue their dream, get on track, or get back on track if they are off track. I love to see a gift make way for someone- and this young guy has a gift.

Guy with the Guitar, you might not know who you are....yet. You might not realize what a talent you have and that its worth pursuing that uphill course to fulfilment of your God given dream.

But I know who you are: you are amazing, talented, gifted. And you touched my heart this past Easter Sunday. A song rose in my own heart, right after you sang. And this song is still ringing out today.

I Smell Roses

2009-04-10T08:50:00.004-04:00

It's Good Friday. I told my daughter, yesterday, that today, Good Friday, was going to be a day we would treat differently. We wouldn't spend the day trying to do what we wanted, when we wanted to, as though we had all control and power over our life, as though we were in complete control over our destiny and there was No One who held our life in Their Hands.

So I started my day, after my husband left for work, feeling a bit puzzled as to what I should do next. I found myself drawn to the book of Ecclesiastes, and I do mean, literally, the book. I read it through- from chapter 1 to Chapter12. It reads like a friend talking to you, who has questions about life, advice gleaned from experience, and a great respect for the unknown and the unseen things of God. It addresses so many issues of life and then, in the end, answers none of these issues- because, really, it's all a mystery.

I knew a pastor who spent every New Years Eve at the local Garbage Dump, reading the book of Ecclesiastes. He said that was the best way for him to start the New Year. He was a melancholy contemplative sort of guy, and I loved how he addressed the agonies in life and answered so few of my questions and how I had more questions than ever after he preached. Not more confusion, mind you- just questions. And I think that's the sign of a good pastor and a wise man.

Maybe Good Friday is my New Years Eve. I'll skip going to the dump because our town dump is not a quiet place to be. I'll commemorate this day that Christ was crucified by recognizing my life begins because of His death. I can have a Happy New Year and a joyful new day because of what He did for me. This is one thing I know for sure. This is not a mystery- the fact that He died and rose again. It's truth. But it is a mystery why He loved us so, why He loves us still. It is a mystery how He leads us and how He guides us and where we are going and why we are where we are.

Here's what I gleaned from today's reading: "Truth is beyond us. It's far too deep" (Eccl 7:24)- but that doesn't mean I shouldn't seek the Truth. I also contemplated what the Writer was alluding to: that what God does and what I actually see happen may be two different things. What I think I see God doing in my life may not be what is actually occurring! (Eccl 8:17). If I share with you my plans for this week and then tell you next year that I never wound up doing what I planned to do, you shouldn't be surprised.

It's like sitting at the local Dump and thinking you smell roses. Life can be that way. You can think you are heading toward a God ordained thing- and find out you don't see God anywhere in the picture. Or God can be definitely at work in your life and you don't see a single blessed thing.
Or you may think you are so on the right path and suddenly find yourself at a dead end.

The writer of Ecclesiastes would probably nod his head and say, "Yes." Yes to our misunderstanding what God is doing in our life. Yes to the fact that we could smell roses at a Dump. Yes to the hunger we have to know what is going on. Yes to the fact that we glimpse a bit of His Hand at work, here and there, now and then- and don't realize what a privilege it was to have had that glimpse into majesty.

I also found out that in addition to spiritual things like respect for God and right living, the writer of this book thinks you also need some very practical things to make it in this life. Things like hard work, good food to eat, real guts, courage, and the nerve to do something even when you are not even sure it will make any difference at all. "You never harvest what you didn't have the nerve to plant" he writes (Contemporary English Version).

It's a holy day today. But its also just another day. It's Friday- but it's also New Years Eve for me. Because something new is happening. I see some things, and then again, I don't know what the heck is going on in my life at all. As in the dark as I am, I'm also wise- for knowing that I know barely anything at all, except for the most important thing, the fact that HE LIVES. And everything else in my life can take its place under that Fact.

Harry's Close Call

2009-04-09T07:28:00.004-04:00

Harry is lying on the floor, stretched out, sound asleep, exhausted. He had a close call this morning. A very close call. We were supposed to slip him in to the Groomers at 7am for what they call an express grooming. This way he would be in and out in less than 2 hours, and he wouldn't be upset or agitated, supposedly.

But we got to the groomers at 7am and she wasn't there. Harry was yanking at the leash, panting, having accidents on the floor, frantic to get out of there as soon as we got there. And lucky for him, the groomer called in sick.

So we came right home and Harry is out for the count. He will probably sleep all day, that's how relieved and exhausted he is from the sheer terror of an almost-appointment at the Groomers. Never mind that I had prayed over him all day yesterday. Never mind that I talked to him in my most soothing voice and tried to convey that his appointment with a very light and momentary affliction would be for a moment but that the benefits of a shampooing, clipping, cleaning, shaving (etc) would be for a ...well, not a lifetime, certainly, but at least it would last for a couple months before the agony would have to take place again.

The things we have to go through...and go through....again and again. Not that every trial is supposed to be cyclical. I'm convinced that I go through some trials too many times, and that if I could learn my lesson- or at least learn what I'm doing wrong or what I'm failing to do- maybe I wouldn't have to go through some of the trials I go through so often.

Then again, there are some trials that are very much part of life and part of growing and part of learning. Some trials you cannot avoid. Some trials you can. And this is where many of us ponder and reflect on what we're experiencing: is this an unavoidable lesson in life I had to learn or is this an agonizing trial I'm going through because I made a stupid mistake or I took a wrong turn and now I am going down a bumpy road and hating this agonizing experience?

I wonder if Harry looks at me with those soulful eyes of his and questions why I would torture him at the groomers every three to four months. (It should be every 2 months but you see, there I am, trying to help him avoid the trial). I'm not trying to make him go through a trial. I'm trying to help him stay clean and free of ear infections and painful matting. But he might think I'm just trying to make him go through a painful trial. I'm not- but there seems to be no other way to get him to this improved healthy state of post-grooming other than to go through the grooming experience- the trial that it is- to get to the results of the grooming.

I don't think God is big on trials. I don't think it's His modus operandi for all our growth and learning. But trials seem to be the route we often have to take to get to the results God has in mind for us. Trials come. We go through them. We kick and scream or cry or agonize. But God is not singing a happy tune the whole time, relishing our pain. He may just be singing a calming soothing tune, like I do to Harry, to help us as we go through the trial.

Let's get to the other side of this trial, shall we?- the Lord says. He is not going to leave us as orphans in a storm. He is not going to enjoy watching us agonize or struggle. He's not a Sadist. He is the Lord of the Harvest. He has fruit in mind. Beautiful fruit. Wonderful outcomes. Lasting joy. And I've got to keep that in mind...especially in the midst of any trial.

It's Right Under Your Nose

2009-04-03T08:50:00.005-04:00

Our son, away at college, misses home- but not that much. He's enjoying his life down south, his classes, his social times with friends. I couldn't be happier about his happiness. As he approaches the end of his freshman year at college, it's clear he is in the right place, he sees that he is, and we are all feeling the results of that truth: peace, contentment, a sense of satisfaction and relief and thanksgiving to God.

Sometimes you can tell what is making you happy. Sometimes you don't know what is causing your unhappiness and frustration. And sometimes things are good- but you just don't realize it- and the answer is right under your nose.

I was so touched by this Scripture passage I was reading this morning because Jesus is lamenting over His people not seeing, not realizing, what they have when they have it. He's their Answer. He's their Prince of Peace. And yet they missed this truth. He cries out to the city,"..."If you had known in this day, even you, the things which make for peace! But now they have been hidden from your eyes" (Luke 19:42).

What makes for peace in your life? For me, it's a day when my dog is not disturbed and causing problems, my daughter's home school lessons are going smoothly, my bills are paid, my creativity is unleashed and my possibilities are still open, my future looks bright, my health is good, my loved ones are well,... I guess it does take a lot to make me happy! Maybe happiness isn't the word, but it does seem to take a strong combination of things to give me a real sense of peace and well being.

Or I could just focus on the Lord, and see Him for who He is and Where He is in my life - which is everywhere- and take a deep breath and feel so blessed about what I know, what I really know.

What do you know, right now, about what brings you peace? What do you see in front of you- and what don't you see? Because the reason I ask this is that I'm starting to realize there are many things I haven't been seeing yet they have been right in front of me. And apparently this is an age-old problem that humans have. We're slow to perceive the blessing and the presence of God. Jerusalem, the city of God's favor, missed the greatest Eternal Favor of all time: Jesus Christ Himself sent to be their Redeemer.

It's one thing to sort of see something, it's another thing to absolutely know it and therefore you live as though you know this truth. That's what that word means in the verse "If only you had known...". And the things which lead to peace, quietness, and inner well being and a sense of rest and relief from anxiety- well, these things are all wrapped up in One being. He is Our Peace.
He brings us peace. The things which lead to peace are not hard to find. He is not hard to find.

And that's what I'm seeing, right in front of me, today. That's Who is knocking at the door of my heart- and I see Him, and I'm taking a deep breath of peace. It feels good.

I"m Certain of This

2009-04-01T08:00:00.004-04:00

I told my husband over coffee, this morning, that he wasn't as good a listener as he used to be. He sipped his coffee, listening to my little rant, and said nothing.

"See? That's what I mean!" I said with a bit of exasperation in my voice. (Okay, more than a bit). "You used to comment more on what I commented on. I need your feedback. I feel like I know more of what I'm thinking if you comment on what I'm thinking 'cause then I can see if what I'm thinking is clear and sound or if it's crazy."

You're probably thinking to yourself, That poor man- what he has to put up with! But really, this guy knew exactly what he was getting into 20 something years ago because I was this verbal and this overly analytical when he knew me then!

I like to hear what my husband is thinking about what I'm thinking. He's very sound and sensible, and he's slow to speak but when he says something, he means it.

I always thought that the Apostle Paul was kind of like this too. But lately I've been seeing him in a whole new light. People who know God can know His will, but that doesn't mean we know the Whole will of God and are cognizant of it at every moment. Our minds would split open if that were the case because God's will is overwhelming...for us , not for Him.

I was reading in 1 Corinthians 16 about the collection of money for the Christians in Jerusalem, and was looking at Paul's instructions when I started to note something interesting. As spiritual and strong in the Lord as Paul was, he was still a man, and therefore he was often in the dark about God's will even when he was walking in the light.

Notice the wording here from verse 4 through 7: "And if it seems appropriate...I am planning to travel through Macedonia... It could be that I will stay a while, perhaps all winter... I want to come and stay awhile if the Lord will let me...". If you feel like commenting under your breath, Make up your mind, Paul- don't worry. That's what I felt like doing too.

Making up your mind about what you are doing and where you are going and if God wants you to do something, is a another aspect of God's will- His forward looking will. There's the sense of God's will for you today: don't lose your temper, give grace, be slow to anger, be abounding in love. That's God's will for you right now.

But then there's also the sense of what is God's will for you tomorrow and next year? Because you have to make certain choices in life that affect the rest of your life ( choice of college, choice of career, choice of spouse, choice of friends) you do need to know God's will. As we can see in this 1 Corinthians 16 passage, Paul seemed a bit fuzzy on what and where he would be next week and next year. But the good news is that I don't think he made those fuzzy sounding statements with a heart of anxiety and fear.

God will make it clear ...where you need to be next year.

God will make a way...when you feel you can't even make it through today.

I can say those statements with certainty- even if I am uncertain about what He will do and what He wants for you- as far as particulars. It just could be that He wants you to feel as uncertain as you do about what you will do- but certain of His love and His will to guide you.

I am planning to write more on this subject...if it seems appropriate. It could be that I will write more tomorrow...or perhaps the next day. I'm not sure yet.

But whatever I eventually decide to do, however meandering a path I take, or however uncertain I feel, I'm certain of this: God WILL make a way. And I'm also certain of this: today is a good day to KNOW that you can know not only His will, but the God of Heaven and Earth, Himself- Savior, Way Maker, Everlasting Father, Almighty God.

The Hardest and Easiest Thing to Do

2009-03-30T12:31:00.005-04:00

Mu, my dear friend, says I've gotten a little flabby in my writing here. "Where's all that angst, agony, and anguish? Where's the deep ponderings and philosophical musings you usually share?"
she asked me over lunch the other day.

"I'm happy," I said as I took a big bite of my grilled panini with chicken breast, yellow peppers, and other colorful ingredients that should, right now, be making your mouth water.

"Can't you be happy and still write deep things?" she asked.

I took another bite, thought about it, and said, "Nope. Don't think so."

When you're happy, you're relaxed. And when you're relaxed you do things like note the color of flowers, eat grilled paninis with your mouth overjoyed, wiggle your toes and think about painting them, and marvel about how good it is to be alive.

When you're not happy,...well, that's when you agonize, maybe strategize more intensely or pray more intensely. You wail or you hold back tears or you sit alone and welcome the darkness.

Of course, there is a happy medium between the two. It's just that I'm not sure most of us live in that Happy Medium as a normal routine.

Lately I sense that I'm in the center of God's will- and it's not because I'm giving thousands to charity (I'd like to) or that I've gone on long long prayer walks or that I've fasted for a week, or that I've been so pious and good that I know for sure God thinks highly of me and therefore will favor me. No, it's more because I've been finding out that being in God's will isn't all that hard.

In a nutshell, here's the big things God, I think, wants us to do:

Love, Give, Live, Forgive.

And also Eat, Weep, and Keep... the Faith.

God's will isn't easy- but it's not impossible. It's not for the faint of heart, certainly- but it's not for the heroic, bold, and herculean of us, because really, is anybody all that strong? Is there anybody who is immune from doubt, weakness, fear? We wrestle. We struggle. We overcome.

We eat our evening meal, hopefully with a thankful heart. We weep when we feel broken- or we notice someone who is hurting and broken, and our heart goes out to them. We keep on keeping on. Eat, weep, Keep.

We love- and sometimes have to ask God to help us remember what love is. We give- and hopefully more and more with a willing heart. We live- and if we are graced with powerful acute sense of timing, we remember that LIFE is now, and it's for the living, and it's a gift. And we forgive, over and over- and if it isn't over and over, then we know something needs to change in us. Love, Give, Live, Forgive.

Yes, it's good to be in God's will, and to know that straying from His will is not a good thing. A bit of fear that we'll miss God's will is good. But a bit of joy that we can, most definitely, be in His will, is good also.

So, I'm happy. Hope you are too. My eyes are looking up. My knees might start trembling cause I am only human. But my heart is yearning to be on fire with Faith.

It's good to be alive.

Quote for the Day

2009-03-27T08:36:00.003-04:00

"Faithfulness to Jesus means that I must step out even when and where I can't see anything...faithfulness to my own ideas means that I first clear the way mentally. Faith, however, is not intellectual understanding; faith is a deliberate commitment to the Person of Jesus Christ, even when I can't see the way ahead."

Oswald Chambers MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST 3/28 (italics mine)

It's that when and where that always get me! How about you?

The M Word

2009-03-26T09:12:00.003-04:00

With the house on the market, I have never been cleaner and neater. Things are rather sparkling and orderly around here, and it's amazing how it affects your spirit. Not that I'm going to quote that Cleanliness is next to Godliness, but I will say that order is a lot better than chaos- and I think God would agree with that.

Every time we have a showing, though, whatever project I'm involved with has to be suddenly packed up and hidden away behind closet doors. I can't get into any big baking binges, with flour flying everywhere, or start a sudden overhaul of my bedroom closet. No, I've got to maintain order and cleanliness- and maintenance hasn't never been one of my "things".

I love to start projects and I'm never at a loss for ideas. I'm even pretty adept at ending things and walking away from unhealthy relationships or involvements. But maintaining something is a whole 'nother story. Maintenance is boring. At least in my mind it is.

That's why I'm in awe at how God maintains the world. I'm astounded at how He deals with our constant prayers rising up to Him. He maintains and sustains us- and from what I understand, He isn't bored or irked by having to do this.

I see this beautiful characteristic in my husband, Mr. Steady Eddy. He really is good at maintenance- of all kinds. He stays on top of all the household fixing and repairing and updating- even while doing this for a living and taking care of so many other people's house projects. He doesn't seem to tire of all that has to be maintained here at home base.

I could almost get a little down on my own lack of perseverance and steadiness, except that the other day my daughter reminded me of a type of maintenance I apparently do that I never realized I did. Abby hadn't been feeling all that well the other day and I busied myself with making hot tea for her, plumping her pillows, rubbing her back, brushing the hair away from her flushed cheeks.

"Mom, you take such good care of me," she murmured. I thought nothing of that statement at first because I know she said it out of gratitude. But I thought about it later and realized how when we're motivated by love, we can maintain and sustain the ones we love with no thought to the work involved. There's a cost to our labor. There's time involved. There's sacrifice. Yes to all that. But we're not thinking I must maintain this person as we are bent over their bed and putting a washcloth on their forehead. We're thinking, Oh, the poor thing, I hope she feels better, how I hate to see her suffer.

And so it makes me think that there's a whole lot more to Maintenance than I realized. Maybe Auto Mechanics who service our cars and Lawn Mowing Services who tackle overgrown yards and Groomers who clip our matted dogs- maybe all these people are doing a bit more than maintenance. Maybe they're loving and serving and helping out in mundane routine tasks that God sees as tasks of kindness, service, and love.

I just felt like saluting anyone who does a routine job involving maintenance of some kind. You might not get thanked much for what you do. You might not get a lot of praise. But today my eyes are opened wide to the magnitude of what you do and the partnership you have with God who loves and sustains and maintains us so well that we often forget the wonder of that beautiful M word.